Cultivating virtues is part of soul evolution. Doing so benefits all areas of our lives, including relationships. Virtues are beyond
love tactics because they operate from a higher level of truth. For instance, getting a partner to be jealous can hardly benefit a relationship, if the partner finds selfishness/lack of empathy in you.
1. Generosity
Generosity is about gratitude, giving, altruism and charity. In Buddhist texts, this principle is traditionally placed at the top of the list. That is because altruism, letting go of attachments, and diminishing self-centeredness and greed are central to spiritual growth.
There are eight levels of giving:
1. Giving unwillingly
2. Giving willingly but giving less than you could
3. Giving only after being asked
4. Giving without being asked
5. Giving to a recipient you do not know, but who knows you
6. Giving to a recipient you know, but who does not know you
7. Giving when both parties are anonymous to each other
8. Giving that enables self-reliance
Other forms of giving is paying it forward.
Altruism is doing what is in the best interests of another person, without expecting anything in return.
If all things we receive are blessings, then to give gratitude is our saving grace. "Gratitude is a sign of maturity. It is an indication of sincere humility. It is a hallmark of civility. And most of all, it is a divine principle." -- Gordon Hinckley.
2. Effort
Energy is the essence of living beings. Effort is about directing and investing our energy firmly onto the right path and keeping us free of distractions such as unhealthy cravings/addictions.
3. Patience
Develop patience, forbearance, and tolerance. Avoid harmful expectations and thinking as they can cause impatience, intolerance, and anger. Refrain from criticizing and complaining about others. Learn how to cultivate compassion for ourselves and others.
4. Ethics/Integrity
Right actions and right choices make a difference in each moment, both for our-
selves and others. Meaningful precepts can serve as guardians—protecting and preserving our relationships at home, at work, and in the community. Ethics and virtue are not something to be applied only under certain conditions. Instead, they are essential to maintaining harmony in all our daily relationships and environments.
5. Simplicity
Avoid clutter in your life. Lead a simpler, stress-free, and joy-filled life. Simplicity also help one in finding clarity.
6. Wisdom
Even with all our advanced technology, we still need wisdom to guide us. The ancient principle of wisdom ask us to look past our boundaries and judgments. It challenges us to break through hypocrisy and judgments. It urges us to become skillful in answering the needs of others. Only then can we bring the wisdom of clear vision to our decisions.
7. Truthfulness
Truthfulness centers on what it means to love a life of integrity, where truth embodies not only our speech, but all our actions.
Spiritual honesty in a mature form is different from inner-child honesty. A child may blurt out everything with no self-control or discernment. This can be hurtful and inappropriate. Many people think that this is what honesty means. This is not honesty; it is oral diarrhea. Spiritual honesty, in its mature form, is communicating what is appropriate in a loving, respectful manner. Some things are better left unsaid. Some things are between oneself and God. Some things are better dealt with in your journal.
There are six tenets for truthful speech:
1. False words that are not beneficial, and are agreeable to many.
2. False words that are not beneficial, and are disagreeable to many.
3. True words that are not beneficial, and are agreeable to many and liked by many.
4. True words that are not beneficial, and are disagreeable to many and disliked by many.
5.* True words that are beneficial, and are agreeable to many and liked by many.
6.* True words that are beneficial, and are disagreeable to some and disliked by some.
Only the levels marked with an asterisk (*) are spoken by enlightened ones.
Truthful speech is also about refraining from idle gossip and talking disparagingly behind other people's back. It is however, good to praise people behind their backs.
Also avoid harsh speech that is motivated by anger as this causes pain in another person. Such speech can come in the form of berating, attacking, loathing, rejecting, demeaning and disapproving. Sarcasm is also another form of harsh speech. When you hurt someone else through harsh speech, you damage their personal dignity as well as yours. Buddha advised to speak words that are gentle, soothing to the ear, loving, as such words go to the heart, and are courteous, friendly and agreeable to many.
8. Steadfastness
Steadfastness generates an unshakeable will toward meeting spiritual goals. Without this principle, it might be very difficult, if not impossible to climb the steep path before us. Once we experience what is needed to attain steadfastness, our spiritual, emotional, and material goals will be more easily reached.
9. Equanimity
Equanimity means a steady calmness or balance. It points the way toward approaching life's ups and downs with a sense of balance, magnanimity and neutrality. With equanimity we are not aimlessly tossed about by every pain and pleasure in our lives. The purpose of equanimity is to help us maintain and experience evenness in the midst of suffering and pleasure. It gives us an attitude of acceptance and nondiscrimination toward all beings. Once we grasp equanimity, we can be better at letting things take their own course—as opposed to compulsively trying to control and react to them.
10. Loving-kindness, Compassion
Loving-kindness is compassion in action. True loving-kindness knows no boundaries, discrimination or favoritism. Prime examples of loving-kindness are found in stories of Buddha, Jesus and Mohammed. Loving-kindness differs greatly from romantic, sentimental, and nostalgic love. It is the love between friends. Sometimes, it is depicted as harmlessness, that is, a refusal to harm others even though they wish us harm. However, loving-kindness does not mean you let anyone abuse you for that would mean that you are not showing loving-kindness to yourself. There is no one who is unworthy of receiving loving-kindness. Loving-kindness does not depend personal likes and dislikes.
Jesus taught a revolutionary kind of loving-kindness when he declared, "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" (Matt. 5:43-44). He also said, "Love your neighbor as yourself" (Matt. 19:19). Jesus' approach to love is worth examining because it forces us to think about the question "How should I love
myself so that I might know how to love a neighbor, friend, enemy, or anyone else?"
Loving-kindness requires a sense of forgiveness both toward others and ourselves.
Loving-kindness may also be expressed in the form of blessings towards ourselves and others.
May I live in safety.
May I have mental happiness (peace, joy).
May I have physical happiness (health, freedom from pain).
May I live with ease. (May the elements of daily life—work, family—go
easily, not be a struggle.)
May you live in safety.
May you have mental happiness (peace, joy).
May you have physical happiness (health, freedom from pain).
May you live with ease. (May the elements of daily life—work, family—go easily, not be a struggle.)
Experiencing this virtue of encompassing goodwill can help us tap into the unlimited and creative energy of divine love that binds us all together.
Ways to show loving-kindness/compassion towards your partner
- Think of a time when you were hurt by your partner/partner's actions. What were the consequences?
- Think of a time you hurt someone else. What were the consequences?
- Become aware of any feelings that arise in your body when your partner hurts you though their unskillful actions. Realize that this is what they feel when they are hurt or harmed.
- Become aware of feelings that arise in you when someone gives you a gift/does something nice for you. Realize that this is what your partner feels when the same thing happens to them.
Doing this enables you to easily show compassion for your partner, because you realize that they get hurt/happy by the same things that makes you hurt/happy. It connects us in a web of oneness.
- This is a good time to practice loving-kindness meditation towards your partner.
Credit:
- Living Kindness, Donald Altman
- The Force of Kindness, Sharon Salzberg
- Ascension and Romantic Relationships, Dr Joshua David Stone
