NLP and Relationships

What is Love to you?

We tend to assume that the meaning of the word 'love' means the same to all of us. We assume that what makes us feel loved is also what makes our partner feel loved. However, in reality that may not be the case.

Ask your partner:

How do you know when you are loved?
What do you see being done to you?
What do you hear being said to you?
What are the sensations that you feel?

Use the information to fulfill their criteria for being loved.

If you ever had to offer constructive criticism to your partner ...

Firstly, preview the logical levels.

Constructive criticisms are best offered at the level of environment/behavior.

Criticisms offered at the level of identity can be very disparaging. People will react defensively. Generally, criticisms are best avoided from the level of capability upwards.

What to ask when your partner tells you that the relationship isn't working?

First let's examine the following sentences

"Our relationship isn't working"

"Our relationship is going downhill"

"Our marriage isn't working"

"I am in an unhappy marriage"

"There is no communication in our relationship."

'Relationship', 'marriage' and 'communication' are process nouns called nominalizations. When a noun cannot be put in a wheelbarrow, it is called a nominalization. Nominalizations are abstract and thus give the impression that that nothing can be done about them.

To turn around a nominalization, you have to turn the process noun into a verb. Doing so enables you to phrase the question in such a way so that you can be more proactive in finding a solution.

"Our relationship isn't working"

"What is it about the way we are relating that is causing trouble?" "How would you like to relate?"

"Our relationship is going downhill"

"How exactly are we relating differently and how is that not as good as before?"

"Our marriage isn't working"

"What is it about the way we are being married that is causing trouble?" "How would you like to be married?"

"I am in an unhappy marriage"

"How exactly are we unhappily married? "How exactly would you like to be happily married?"

"There is no communication in our relationship."

"How exactly are we unable to communicate?" "How exactly would you like to communicate?"

Credit:

Meta Models of NLP

How to uncover the positive intention of your partner's behavior?

You can also use this to uncover the positive intention of your behavior

Behavior-------> What does that do for you? -----------> Intention

You have to ask "What does that do for you?" until you reach the highest intention.

Example

What does having an affair do for you?

Client:It recreates the feelings that I once felt. Intention: Recreate feeling of love, excitement etc