The Secret of How to Change Your Marriage

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a spouse to change as long as you don’t stop there. If you don’t take the next step, at some point you’ll start to feel helplessly dependent on your spouse’s choices and will be in danger of adopting a victim mentality.

Many spouses don’t know the secret of how to change a marital relationship into something different than it is currently. The temptation is to view change as rooted in the other person or “out there” somewhere outside of your control.

But, in reality, the ability to create change lies within you. You may have heard the saying, “Change is an inside job.” It’s true. And when you change yourself, then your relationship with your spouse, family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and acquaintances will also change.

This past week, I received an email from a woman I’ll call “Annie.” Annie was writing to tell me how much help she had received from the Keep Your Marriage book and bonus materials. I could tell from reading Annie’s email that she really understood the impact that making personal changes can have on a marriage.

Annie has granted her permission for me to share her email with you in hopes that it will provide help and inspiration. Here is an excerpt from her email:

“My husband moved out saying he was ‘unhappy’ but would say no more. I have spent the past few months in hell, but your advice gave me something to work on. I have now changed myself, my friends have noticed a big difference in me, and on New Year’s Eve, my husband, unprompted, told me he loved me.

“His leaving was a huge wakeup call for me, and although we still have things to work through, the important thing is that we are together. I will continue to eliminate those 21 marriage busters (I cringed when I realized I was guilty of every single one) and I have every hope that we will be celebrating many more wedding anniversaries.

Thank you again, and keep the daily email tips coming—they serve as a reminder that one can never take anything for granted, that love is precious and should be cherished, and that the key to changing your life lies not out there but within.”

Annie “gets it” that the secret to changing your marriage and your life lies within yourself. She made changes in herself that eventually made a difference in her marriage. In a follow-up email, Annie writes:

“...the important thing is to keep trying and don’t give in...I’m also now a great believer in time...often the effects of the words I said to my husband weren’t immediate, but given a little time they would sink in and they worked. Before I was the kind of person to demand answers and refuse to accept ‘I don’t know’ as valid. I would pick and chisel away until I thought I had the answer I wanted. I was chiseling away my marriage.

“There are still improvement to be made, but I have come to believe in this day and age we see films, advertising, etc. and are made to believe we should have this ideal of a marriage, and if it’s not like that then there is something wrong. They fail to mention that happy marriages take effort and work, that love isn’t always automatic but is an affirmation that should be made every day.

“I’d also like to add, before I go, that your advice has helped in other relationships too—with family and friends. I’ve become a much nicer person and a happier one too. It’s so true that you change the world about you by changing yourself.

“If I hadn’t taken your advice I could be facing a divorce right now—instead I’m starting the New Year with a loving husband and a happy life—thank you again.”

Annie deserves the credit and kudos for putting consistent, hard work into working on herself. Many spouses read words of advice suggesting changes they can make, but they never implement the changes.

Annie resisted the temptation to blame her husband or sit back passively waiting for him to change. Instead, she chose to focus on putting energy and effort into improving herself and making needed changes. By doing so, she created a win-win situation for herself and for her marriage.

Now that you know Annie’s “secret” to changing her marriage, what are you going to do with this knowledge? If your marriage is going to be substantially different at the end of this calendar year, it’s time to get moving.

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Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice.