Marriage Problem Solving Steps
Marriage problem solving: Marriage problems need not spell the end of a marriage. Marriage problems can be viewed as a stepping stone for greater marital bonding. It is like a wake-up call to bring your marriage/marriage to the next level. Most women treat marriage problems as a sign of incompatibility; that their husbands are not fulfilling their emotional needs, they don't cherish them etc etc, but that is because they do not have the resources to overcome their marriage problems.
The Core Innergization process is designed for this purpose and it needs only one to work on solving marriage problems. Marriage problems could be viewed as opportunities for your soul evolution. Marriage problems help you become a better person, if you learn from them. We will not become better people by being with a husband who agrees with everything that we do. There is just no room for your soul growth in that. Besides most women find it hard to respect a man who agrees with everything that they do.
The Core Innergization Process for Marriage Problem Solving
The Core Innergization process is really an integration of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) a powerful, outcome oriented form of brief therapy (and beyond) and spiritual practices such as prayer, visualization and meditation. Notice that all of these tools activate the law of attraction in a positive, empowering manner.
In general, a problem of any kind is defined as the present state being different from the desired state and you doubt your resources to move from one to the other.
The following steps are designed to provide you with the widest range of choices and resources to enable you to move to your desired state and achieve your desired outcome, that is save your marriage. Note that the steps, though generic, are suited to solving marriage issues, as much as any other. I decided to keep it generic because a self-esteem/lack of self-love issue may be nested deep within a marriage problem issue, which you must handle first.
I am of the belief that solutions to problems rarely come in one-size-fits-all cheap t-shirts. That is why it is more practical to adopt an integrated approach in using tools to solve marriage problems. Some tools/approach may solve some marriage problems but not others. They may be useful in some situations but not others. So it is essential to adopt flexibility in the usage of tools/approach and in doing so, you find that you can achieve your desired outcome of saving your marriage more quickly than if you adopted a rigid approach.
A marriage involves a 'we', 'you' and your 'husband'. When saving your marriage/marriage it is best that you work on 2 components
Firstly, work on the 'we' marriage component which means how you relate to your husband. This can be done through:
Enhancing the mental, physical, spiritual and emotional compatibility between you and your husband.
Enhancing patterns that enhance the 'we'.
Changing patterns that work against the 'we'.
Improving communication skills
Secondly, work on the 'you' component, which means how you relate to yourself, by doing the following
You may work on the 'we' component only, as a matter of priority. If you feel confident that that is enough and it gives you what you want, then great. The reason for improving the 'you' component is because 'we' is a part of 'you'. Whatever positive work that you do on the 'you' can only strengthen the 'we'. Also, it prevents the 'you' from negating any good work that you have done on the 'we' down the road. When you relate to yourself better, you also relate to your husband better.
The Core Innergization Process Overview:
- Core Innergization Process - Marriage Problem Solving Worksheet
- Core Innergization Process Steps
- Marriage Problem Solving Tools Compilation
- Inspiration/Empowerment for Marriage/Marriages
You need to be in a resourceful state when you begin to work on solving your problems. Often in times of adversity, such as when faced with marriage crisis a depressed state might cause us to have difficulty in focusing our mind or on concentrating on anything but the problem. Our mind tends to runs amok with imagining the worst case scenarios. Sounds familiar? However, with the right tools, it is possible to put yourself into a more resourceful state.
Methods or tools to put you in a more resourceful state.
1) Say a prayer to receive strength and guidance from Infinite Wisdom (God, All That Is, Infinite Intelligence, Higher Self etc depending on your beliefs.) Pray for clarity.
Worry, fear and anxiety only bring more of what you worry about. When you worry, replace it with a prayer instead. Pray for Spirit to take away the worry, fear or anxiety from you, cleanse you and fill you with Love and Light. Simply pray,
“Dear God, I am feeling fear/worry/anxiety about my marriage/<any issue> at the moment. Please take this fear/worry/anxiety from me and fill me with Thy Compassion and Love. Embrace me with Thy loving arms. Surround and fill me with Thy peaceful presence. Please guide me as to what to do about my situation. Guide me so that I learn what my marriage challenge is teaching me. Guide me towards right actions that restore my marriage. Thank you Lord!”
Pray for your husband.Call a friend to pray for you and your husband, if you need extra support.
2) Process to overcome fear, anxiety or worry.
3) Listen to relaxing music. Soothing music has the effect of bringing your brain waves down to an alpha state, which is a calm, worry-free state. This helps greatly in creative problem solving.
4) Get acquainted with the brainwaves ranges and their corresponding significance. This understanding helps with the rest of the process.
5) A good state to be in for problem solving is curiosity.
Imagine...that you are a green-skinned Martian in a lab-coat and you have been sent to earth to study an entity called you. So you become very curious about your behavior, thinking patterns, physiology, your husband and his thinking patterns etc.
A desirable state for goal setting is motivation and inspiration.
Core Innergization Process - Marriage Problem Solving Worksheet
Feel free to print out the following worksheet to work on. The act of writing down your desires sends a powerful message to the universe. It energetically sets your desires in motion and creates a blueprint for your success.
Fill out only sections that you wish to depending on the type of problem. For instance, for marriage communication problems, you may wish to skip section 1. I am giving as many ideas/areas to work on as possible, but you do not have to answer every question. Be guided by your intuition as to what to focus on.
1. What I like about my husband
- List all the good things you husband has done for you and how it made you feel.
- List all the qualities that you appreciate in your husband.
- List all the qualities that you admire in your husband.
- List all the qualities that drew you to your husband when you first met him/her.
- List all the feelings that your husband evokes in you in a way nobody else does.
- How are you similar with regards to your identity (who you are), values, beliefs, behavior and capability.
- What are your common interests.
Consider all of the above both during the time when you first met your husband and the present moment.
Writing down what you like about your husband, as opposed to just thinking about it, automatically changes your state to that of gratitude. It breaks your patterned thinking of always focusing on what is not going right in your marriage.
Tip 1 : Remember, your Ego focuses on differences, your Higher Self focuses on similarities.
Tip 2 : To enhance your marriage, verbalize this list/give this list in the form of a letter to your husband! Who does not like to be appreciated anyway? If you do, you may add a section called “What I don’t like about my husband”, with one harmless, funny, tongue-in-cheek item listed there. This letter might be effective in breaking a negative pattern in your marriage. Be creative in how you can use this letter.
2. Problems/Issues/Challenges In our marriage
See Step 1 of Core Innergization Process, for details.
3. What I desire in our marriage
Describe your marriage vision
See Step 4 of Core Innergization Process, for details.
4. What is standing in the way
See step 5 of Core Innergization Process, for details
5. Tools that can help me
See step 6 of Core Innergization Process, for details
6. The lesson(s) that this situation is teaching me
Look under tools for questions for reflection.
7. What I am willing to do/be for my husband
- What are you willing to be/do to save/enhance your marriage?
- What are you committed to be/do?
- Phrase each commitment as "I, <your name>, am committed to..." This sets forth your intentions to the universe.
1. What I have going well in my life now
No matter how bleak the situation seems to be, there has to be at least one thing that you may have going pretty well for you. Do you have support of a friend etc? The more items you list here, the better.
2. What I like about myself
The objective of this section is to bring to light, your own positive attributes. This is a way of offering gratitude for all that you are. It boosts your self-esteem and confidence. It is a way of loving yourself and taking good care of yourself. Success breeds success.
Be detailed as possible and leave nothing out, even if you think that they are insignificant.3. Who empowers you?
Make an inventory list of all your role models. Think about what about them inspires you.Reflect on their vision, what values they stand for, especially in times of crisis.
Complete the following statement.
In times of <difficult period> my role model stood for <value>. By standing for the same <value> in my situation, I see myself <acting more and more in an empowering manner/state empowering behavior>.
1) Determine the problem/challenge at hand.
2) Is it a generative problem, goal or a remedial problem? For generative problems or goals proceed straight to step 4.
Remedial problem: You are uncomfortable with your current state. You may not have set an outcome.
Generative problem: You may be comfortable with your current state. However, you like to make thingsbetter.
Goal: You have focused desire and motivation, to achieve something, irregardless of the present condition.
Marriage problem solving:
Remedial Problem: Eg. I can’t stand my husband but I do not want a divorce. I don’t know what to do.
Generative Problem: Eg. I would like to achieve better communication in my marriage.
Goal: Eg. I would like to go on a romantic vacation with my family.
3) Journal the problem statement
Here, you keep writing whatever that comes to your mind about your situation. Keep the problem statement as brief as possible.
Here are some points for reflection
- When did the problem start?
- What are your feelings?
- Who else is involved?
- What is going wrong or giving you trouble?
- What do you want to change?
- Has this problem been a pattern in your life?
- What is the positive intention of the problem? What purpose does it serve? Are there any positive consequences that result or have resulted from this problem?
- At which logical level does the problem manifest itself? At which logical level does the problem originate?
Tip: You may also write the problem in a letter to God. I have had miracles happen just by doing this.
Optional: You may connect your situation to your values by verbalizing what you see, hear or feel. When you do this, you will awaken yourself to what is most important to you. In the process, your mind will see powerful new openings for actions.
When you are done, proceed to the next step.
Applications to Marriage/Marriage Problem Solving:
Write the problems that you are facing in your marriage. Do keep it very brief, if you find doing this draining on your energy levels. Three sentences at most, in point form, would be best. Over time you may find that all you need to do is briefly go through the problem in your mind and skip this step entirely.
4) What would you prefer the situation to be? What is your desired outcome?
IMPORTANT: Do you know the difference between problem and outcome thinking?
- Pretend that you can have anything you want/a fairy godmother is granting you a wish. A good idea is to begin with the statement “If a fairy Godmother could grant me any wish I would …” “If I could have anything I wanted, I would …”
Answer the miracle question: Suppose tonight while you sleep, a miracle happens in your marriage. When you awake tomorrow morning, what will you see yourself doing, thinking or believing about yourself, your marriage and your husband that will tell you a miracle has happened in your life?
What are your dreams? What is your highest vision?What is your highest vision for your marriage? When you look into the future what do you see, hear or feel? If your marriage problems or related problems were all resolved what would you see, hear or feel? How specifically will you know you have achieved your outcome? What are the performance criteria and how will they be tested? What will be your ongoing feedback that you are moving toward or away from your goal? Ensure that your outcome is testable in sensory experience. That it has sensory evidence to prove your achievement.
Just write freely. You can always come back and edit your goal. The aim is not to censor at the creative stage.
- When do you want to achieve this goal? What is a realistic time frame?
- Under what conditions do you want/not want to implement this outcome?
- When designing your outcome, do not worry about how it is going to be achieved. It is a common habit amongst many to refrain from stating a goal, if they cannot work out the how. Or they might simply decide that the “how”, according to their perception, involves too much effort that they are not ready for. By doing this, you are imposing limitations on the universe through your own limited thinking. When you state what you want, the universe aligns circumstances, events and people to bring you the desired results. Don't stand in its way.
· Ask for what you want, rather than ask for what you don’t want or what you fear, not to happen. If you one of those people who happen to be think in “don’t wants”, that is fine. Create a table with 2 columns and fill in accordingly, the opposite of what you don’t want goes into the second column!
What I don’t want/fear
What I want instead
My husband would leave me
Loving, harmonious connection filled with light and love. A union where we have ironed out our differences and relate to each other harmoniously.
- Where appropriate, give yourself a new, more empowering label. Where appropriate, give any other person involved a new, more empowering label. Realize that people live up to the labels you give them. If you label your spouse as an incompetent person, he may take on that character, over time unconsciously. This is not fair to them.
Label to discard
Amicable, Pleasant to be with
- Phrase what you want in a positive, loving, high vibrational way. Ensure your desired outcome results in an all round win-win situation. Avoid asking for something that creates problems for others. Always, always, always ask for what is in the highest good for everyone involved. If you are not sure of that, simply add to the end of your desired outcome “This or something better manifests beautifully for the highest good for all concerned. And so it is!”
· Some questions to ask yourself regarding your desired outcome
Will my desired outcome empower me or disempower me?
Will it create an inspiring future for me or will it keep me a prisoner of my past?
Will it give me long or short term benefits?
Will my desired outcome infuse me with energy or rob me of energy?
Will it help me grow and evolve or will I stagnate and be miserable?
What will I lose or gain if I have it?
What will happen if I get it?
What won't happen if I get it?
What will happen if I don't get it?
What won't happen if I don't get it?
- Ensure that your goal is fully within your control. Eg if you want your husband to be nice to you, then design your goal in such a way that you interact with your husband in a nice way when you next have dinner perhaps.
- What will achieving this outcome get for you? If you achieve this outcome, what will it do for you?
If I get that, then I will ____. What will achieving this outcome get for you?
If I get that, then I will ____. What will achieving this outcome get for you?
Repeat asking till you have reached your highest intention.
Applications to Marriage Problem Solving:
How specifically do you want to be physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually compatible?
Emotional Compatibility – Ability to empathize with a husband’s emotion. Level of caring, love and nurturing shown towards each other.
Intellectual compatibility – Enjoying similar interests. Enjoying similar types of discussion.
Physical compatibility – Frequency and quality of sex. Tuning into each other’s sexual rhythms.
Spiritual compatibility – Seeing “eye to eye” and sharing spiritual values. It does not mean belonging to the same religion.
Overall energetic compatibility - Indicates the harmonization of the masculine and feminine energy between the couple.
5) What is preventing you from achieving your outcome?
The purpose of this step is to identify blocks. If you don’t clear your baggage or resolve unfinished business, it will stand in the way of your goals. It does not mean that you cannot attain your goals, it only means that it might take more effort and time. For instance, let's say you are competing in a race. Will you reach the finish line faster and more easily if you are carrying a 5Kg baggage or if you are free from it?
Having said all that, you may skip this step and go directly to step 5, solution generation step. Use your own discretion.
- What stops you from already having your goals?
- What would happen if you achieved your outcome?
- What resistance or interference have you encountered?
- What is currently needed or missing from the plan? What is a "How" question you could ask in relation to what is missing?
It is necessary to keep as much of your energy as possible in present time when working towards manifesting your goals.Click here to find out why.
1. Identify any negative emotions that you feel. Put yourself in a meditative state and feel in your body any emotions that arise, when you think about the issue at hand. For eg when you interact with your husband you feel overpowered, you feel stifled because you feel that he talks down to you. Write what you feel down.
Some Negative Emotions:
Anger, Fear, Sadness, Depression, Jealousy, Guilt etc
There is nothing wrong in having these so called “negative” emotions, they are there to serve a purpose. All emotions serve a higher intention, including negative ones. They alert you to something in your life that you need to resolve. The only problem is that negative emotions put you in an unresourceful state that drains you of energy. So the idea of emotional clearing is to find out what needs to be resolved and to put yourself in a resourceful state, so that you can divert your energy into achieving your goals.
2. Identify any negative beliefs that you have about yourself that is affecting your marriage eg I am not good enough, I am not worthy of love etc
What does your inner critic say? All of us conduct a dialog within ourselves. What do you tell yourself, when you talk to yourself? This can give a big clue regarding negative beliefs that you have about yourself.
Write them down. If you do not know whether this belief has anything to do with your problem, write it down anyway. Be guided by your intuition. There is no right or wrong.
Write down next to each negative belief, a positive belief that you'd like to replace it with. You may do this in a form of a table.
When you have written down your beliefs, replace the word “beliefs” with “decisions”. 'Decision' is an empowering word because you can always undo what you have previously decided. That puts power squarely within you.
With any form of negativity, be they in the form of emotions or thinking, the whole idea is to learn from them, clear them and then put yourself in a resourceful state. It is not about beating yourself up for thinking or feeling that way. The pop psychology of positive thinking attempts to simply cast away negativity with forced positivity. This inadvertently induces guilt in us when we don’t think positively. If you are angry with your husband for passing a hurtful remark, simply saying “I am happy and positive” is not going to help. You have to deal with the feeling of anger.
3. Simply identify any other blocks that you are facing, that do not belong to the first two categories. Identifying blocks is the first step to finding ways to overcoming them.
Applications to Marriage Problem Solving:
Blocks are usually resulting from something that happened in the past but is still remaining in your subconscious unresolved. A marriage block may be a result of unresolved issues with your parents. Most unresolved issues are the result of unforgiveness – both towards yourself and others.
6) Problem -> Solution (Marriage Problem -> Marriage Solution)
This is where you generate resources and options to achieve your desired state or outcome. There are several tools that can assist you in solving your problem. Let the Holy Spirit guide you to the tool that is most appropriate for your situation.
Based on your desired outcome, determine appropriate tool(s). For instance, if you stated that you would like to interact with your spouse in a loving manner. You might want to pick tools for forgiveness, tools that teach you to visualize desired outcome.
Bear in mind the following when selecting your resources and tools.
- In the physical world: What empowers you is acting within your circle of influence ie, what is within your power to change. You cannot force others to do anything that they do not desire to do. Attempting to control others in this manner will only drain you of energy.
- In the alpha level of mind, you can positively influence other people energetically and bring about changes that are meant for their highest good and the highest good of all concerned in the situation. Your influence must always be based on love and the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Avoid any form of influence that will cause problems for others as it will bounce back to you. You cannot make anyone love you. You can only make yourself lovable. Your intention is the most important factor here. An excellent example is forgiveness visualization.
Questions for generating resources
Which is the appropriate logical level for intervention?
Have you ever been able to achieve an outcome like this before? What did you do?
Do you know of someone (mentor) who has been able to achieve an outcome like this before? What did the person do?
What (behavior, state, ability, belief, support) do you have that will help you achieve your outcome?
What (behavior, state, ability, belief, support) when you get them would make the achievement of your outcome undeniable?
What (behavior, state, ability, belief, support) would it make it impossible for this problem to continue?
If you had already achieved your outcome, and were looking back what would you see you had done in order to accomplish it?
What other choices do you have that could maintain the positive intent or beneficial consequence of the problem, yet allow you to reach your desired state?
If you did have the resources you need in order to achieve your outcome, what would they be?
Value/State (eg happiness)
You can have it now
Time is involved
|Steps needed to get there (Get final step and work backwords)|
Tools for Marriage Problem Solving
Inspiration/Empowerment for Enhancing Your Marriage
OK, so how did I completely turn around my marriage in less than a month?
I have spelt out the steps in the free Emergency Marriage Rescue Mini-Course - It contains all the information that you need to start working on saving your marriage/marriage immediately. You will find the exact manifestation tools that I used and recommended to many people by word of mouth. I even show you which portion of the tool you need to focus on to achieve the quickest results.
The second part of the course focuses on bringing your marriage to a new level of intimacy. When you have 'saved your marriage' you have more time to work on yourself. Working on yourself is important because you don't want to slip back to your old ways, even unconsciously! Also, at this stage you can work on creating a stronger bonding and removing any residual negative emotions that hinder intimacy between you and your husband.
You can also re-visit the Core Innergization Process steps anytime when you are faced with a personal/marriage challenge. By then you would have become an excellent DIY coach! I now have a set of tools that I can always go back to anytime. Having these set of tools is like having my own therapist 24/7, without the same $cost$ of course!
My intention is not to put band-aid on your marriage/marriage, but to evolve your marriage/marriage to one in which you experience true happiness. Also it would be great to see you continue evolving as an individual.