Communication Skills: Deepening Communication

by Gay Hendricks, Ph.D. & Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D.

Real communication and transformation occur when we feel heard and seen as we are. The experience of being understood is often what we're really after when we make contact. This activity clears the path so that the flow of communication is unimpeded.

Instructions

Each person will have two five-minute segments to communicate about anything he or she is exploring, without interruption.

1. During the first five-minute segment, the listener will focus on not interrupting verbally. Do your best, listener, to open yourself to simply hear what your partner is saying. You may notice powerful temptations to interrupt for "good reasons": to explain your side, to correct, to give an opinion or reference ("Oh, I read something about that.. ."). Be aware of what occurs inside when you don't interrupt. Notice what other kinds of information open up. Then switch roles and repeat.

2. During the second five-minute segment, the listener will focus on not interrupting verbally and nonverbally. Our bodies can be very sneaky at sabotaging. Here are just a few of the many ways we've seen couples interrupt each other: tapping fingers, looking around, fidgeting, reaching out to groom the speaker, humming, clipping fingernails, clearing the throat repeatedly, lighting a cigarette. As you are listening, focus on opening your body to receive the communication. Then switch roles and repeat.

Discussion

If we receive our partner's communication clearly, the basis for conflict becomes less powerful. Much conflict arises from our conviction that we already know what our partner is thinking and feeling. It is as if most of our awareness is looking back over our shoulder at past interactions and only a small part of us is present for what is actually occurring. An English professor described it as "finishing the song." "I developed a relationship song based on some early, bittersweet, romantic experiences. Then I wandered along humming the tune in my mind. If I met someone who began singing just one line of my song, I filled in the rest."

Discuss your listening style. See if you can discover what gets in the way of hearing clearly. See if you notice recurrent themes, such as finishing the other person's song, anticipating the punch line, or distracting your partner.

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