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Relationship ArticlesEbook Excerpts - How to Get Over Breakup Breaking Up and a New Spiritual Awareness Go Hand in Hand The Silent Treatment - A Form of Abuse How to Fall out of Love Breakup Healing Mistakes Breakup Grief and the Stages of Healing What's With All This Anti-Rebound Relationship Bunk?! When Our Emotional Issues Affect Our True Availability "Everything I've Done - I've Done for You." The 'Other Side' of the Breakup Anger, Acceptance, and Forgiveness A Letter to God How To Get Over a Break Up Excerpts From the section on Grief: It is said that the second most intense life stress is loss of love. The first is death. But I question this? Both are final. Both, in most cases, result in the physical removal of someone special from your life. Both result in the loss of a way of life we have become familiar with. Both have resulted in hanging strings of things that were never said. However with death you have the peace of knowing you were in your lost loved one's heart. You were not abandoned purposely, cast aside, or rejected. With death you can take off work and get sympathy. You are given gifts of comfort and understanding. You can go through closing rituals and you can feel contentment that they are in a better place. But with breakups, separation, or divorce, even though you have the assurance that they are still alive somewhere on this Earth, their love was intentionally withdrawn from you! They opted to leave you. We no longer have their presence, nor their care. They no longer want us. Either way, death or breakup, you had little say or control over the situation. I've often wondered if I had been able to deal with my loss easier if my ex had been taken away from me at God's will while he still loved me, instead of his intentional, direct withdrawal of his love for me on his own volition. That's not to say I wish him dead, oh my! That's just to say I think my own personal grief would have been less self-destructive and more accepted and socially supported. I have been through both the death of a loved one, and the intentional physical and emotional withdrawal of a loved one, and I would have to say grief over breakup, separation, or divorce can be equally as devastating–if not more–than grief over the death of your loved one. In death you lose your loved one's physical presence in both your present time and your future. But in the loss through breakup we haven't just lost one's physical presence in our lives, but their love, also. We experience grief over the loss of their mental, emotional, and spiritual presence, too, along with our own sense of value and self-worth, our pride, our ego, our dreams, our hopes, our security, and our feelings of being loved. We feel rejected, not good enough, not lovable, unwanted, and cast aside. We feel taken for granted and unappreciated for all we have done. We have gone from being everything to being nothing in a moment flat! But what kind of people would we be if we didn't grieve? Doesn't our grief stem from our having been loving, devoted, caring, committed, trusting and involved? Would we really want to be the type of person that is so cold, callous, without emotion, and self-centered that we could easily just dismiss such a breakup and walk away unscathed?..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~ From the section on Fighting Urges to Contact Our Ex: Habits, and urges, and addictions, oh my! They go hand in hand–what is one without the other? What is usually the hardest for someone going through a breakup is fighting those relentless urges to contact the ex. "I just need some closure. I just need some answers 'why'. I just want to explain to them, plead with them, beg them, show them how I'm sorry. I just want to hear their voice, see their face, and have them see and hear mine. Maybe they'll realize how much they miss me...blah, blah, blah....yadda, yadda, yadda...." Ewww!!!! Those urges are just so annoying. But what drives us to follow through with them? To risk our pride, our dignity, our self-esteem, and self-respect and fall crumbling to our knees to plead with them? What are they, God or something? Geez! We are sorry-sacks aren't we *grins*. But we've all done it. We've all thought about planning 'accidental' meetings, dreamed of chance encounters and hoped for final conversations. We've all come up with emergency reasons to contact our ex–we've conjured up causes, and schemed, plotted, and coerced our friends to arrange it. So why do we do it and how can we cope with them? How do we fight urges that dominate our thinking and interfere with our daily routine? WHY DO I FEEL SUCH AN OVERWHELMING URGE TO CONTACT MY EX? Your ex, and the relationship, were very important to you. It's simply an unreasonable request to expect you to just walk away without the urge to regain that importance back in your life! You crave your ex and the relationship–not just because of love, or security, but because it was a habit and habits are addictions...and addictions are fed by cravings. Without the craving there would be no addiction. It's not the object of the addiction that drives us to have to have it, it's the unbearable, never-ending craving for it that motivates us to lose all for the object of our addiction. It's not the plain, simple alcohol itself that drives the alcoholic to drink...it's that relentless craving for it. Why should breaking the love habit be any different? Only this scenario is a little different. We crave them/the relationship, as much as an alcoholic craves alcohol...however, alcohol won't deny itself to the alcoholic, it won't reject the alcoholic's attempt to drink it, it's readily available to him...but the source of our cravings will deny itself to us, therefore making our craving just a little bit more complex. We have to think of ways to manipulate our objects of addiction. Craving itself is not going to satisfy the urge. So now we're like a junkie in the street that will do just about anything to get their cravings met. We lose pride, dignity, self-respect. We trick our minds into believing that we have catastrophes so we have an excuse to reach out to our objects of addictions..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv:
Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms
How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Breaking Up and a New Spiritual Awareness Go Hand in Hand by Tigress Luv, The Break Up Guru It's only natural that you would be vulnerable and filled with raw emotions when you've just had a breakup, and there are only a few things that can help you find solace and peace of mind. Two of those things is acceptance and trust. Accepting that it is over - and trusting that you will be okay - can help you find peace of mind. And the easiest way to find acceptance and trust, is to bring a Higher Power into your life. That's why so many people end up with a new spiritual awareness after breaking up from a long-term intimate relationship. This new awareness is the blessed result of that uneasy emptiness that fills their heart with such an aching need. Spiritual awareness can help you heal those wounds caused by a lost love and enable you to emerge stronger from this personal and emotional crisis. Spiritual healing begins by shifting your attention from the pain of your breakup to the sweet memories of the past and the joyous prospect of the future. This may be difficult in the beginning but in due time you will realize that no bitterness in a relationship's ending shall take away the precious and beautiful memories of the love filled days you two once shared. When you are thankful for the gift of time you two did have together, instead of full of grief over the loss of it, your soul automatically soars, your spirit lifts, and you'll feel better emotionally and spiritually. There are many trivial issues that may consume and obsess you in the beginning stages of a breakup. Your grief tends to make these trivial matters seem more crucial and important than they really are. However, when combined with a new spiritual awakening - and a small passage of time - our obsessive thoughts clear up. The cloud of grief is no more around, and we realize that the issues that we thought were so important were never really that significant after all. Spirituality helps you look into solutions rather than problems, it helps you see the big picture of your life rather than the small transformation from couple to single. Therefore, when facing a relationship breakup, a newly discovered spirituality can be the answer and your salvation to a brighter day. Handing your grief over to a higher power instills spiritual healing after a breakup and leaves a positive feeling in your heart, making space for the appropriate balance of your 'yin and yang' forces. Spiritual awareness moves you through new and higher levels of perspectives and consciousness. This not only makes you a better person, but also helps you find a new partner who can appreciate you as you are and who will want to be with you forever. This is why we often immerge from a breakup a better, happier person. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv:
Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms
How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Seven Fun Methods For "Getting Over a Bitter Break Up"! Getting over a bitter break up? Try these seven steps below! Step 1: Face reality. Consider calling your ex on that promise that they made. You know the one - when they promised to "die for you". Okay, before you do anything really stupid, such as coating the underside of your ex's car door handles with your pet poodle, Fi-Fi's, droppings, (odds are Fi-Fi doesn't produce enough do-do to do-do a thorough enough job on the scumbag's car, anyway!) realize that you are in a very fragile and irrational state. This means that you will consume mass quantities of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, cry during McDonald's tv commercials, and seriously consider dying your hair orange and getting a tattoo of a fly smack-dab at the end of your nose. Please stop and realize that these insane feelings, too, shall pass. Who wants to be reminded of a bad breakup by having their nose batted by a fly swatter for the rest of their days? Be warned: Do NOT attempt to contact your ex! Yes, you'll be tempted to call your ex during a 2 a.m. shooters-induced-tizzy, or send an anonymous letter to their mother revealing all their naughty, little bedroom habits, but what will that accomplish? Understand that there is nothing you can do to bring your ex back, or diminish your pain - short of kidnapping them, that is. No. Kidnapping is not an option! Beyond this, face it - your ex is a SOB and the sooner you tell the world, the better. And last, but not least, thank the good Lord that there is a mandatory waiting period after purchasing a firearm. Step 2: Pamper yourself! Nothing like a hot bikini-wax to get those nerves to quiet down! :) hehe Please, don't make the mistake of exaggerating your role in the breakup. For instance, it really doesn't matter that you had an affair! After all, it WAS your ex's fault for being so lousy in bed, right? If they had just read that manual you bought them for their birthday...! And you know what manual I'm talking about, the one with the stick-people gameplay diagrams, complete with the O's and the X's - and the G-spots. Some things you can do to pamper yourself: Rent some good movies, such as 'The Burning Bed', 'One Night Stand', 'Play Misty For Me', and, my personal favorite, 'Fatal Attraction'. Make two lists. The first is a list of all your great points, such as your awesome body, Menza I.Q., and sharp-as-a-tack tongue. The second list is about your ex's bad points - i.e., the way they used a blow-dryer to dry themselves (the best I've ever heard [thank you, Stacey!]), the book they bought on how to tell time like a pro, and the various methods they used for removing excess gas from their bodies. Write a sad, sappy breakup poem, such as: "Who the hell does he think he is?" This poem works especially well if your ex happens to be named 'Gregory Smith'. (okay - so I'm not in a very creative mood!). Step 3: Don't keep it all inside! Emotions denied tend to fester, so make sure you release all that built-up frustration in a constructive manner. Such as: Beat your pillow. Your ex's $700 custom-made cue stick should work perfectly for this job. Break something. For instance, that 100-year-old bottle of wine your ex was saving for a special occasion. Binge. It's perfectly okay to consume twenty-dozen Twinkies in a twelve hour period. Just make sure you stick your finger down your throat every ninth or tenth one. Scream. Best done during fantastic orgasms with your new, red-hot lover. Step 4: Stay active. Take up parasailing, tennis, or scuba diving. Leave your ex to cough in your dust as you soar right past them: go back to school, become a successful lawyer, run for the presidential office, and bash your ex all through your campaign. Sure to make them wince every time they turn the tv on. Ask yourself, "what is my ex good at that he/she also enjoys doing and does quite often?" For instance, let's say your ex is good at golf and plays regularly. Take this info, learn to play golf like a pro, show up at every one of your ex's golf games, and win! Take up yoga, or a workout regimen at your local gym. A firm, hard body is great for your ego - especially when you flaunt it around your ex whenever the chance arises! Step 5: Write your ex a letter. Tell your ex what a nasty, vehement little devil-creature they are. Hold nothing back! If you faked orgasm for the entire 22-months you were together, let them know. If you never really did like their spoiled-rotten kids, now is the time to tell them. Skip nothing! Get it all off your chest! Feel better? Good. Now throw the letter away. On second thought, send it. And copies to your ex's boss. Their mother. Their new lover. Ha-ha. Just kidding. Step 6: Get even! How to get revenge: Run for Senate. Of course, this works better if you're married to the president. If running for senate isn't an option, you can still drive your ex nuts by pretending like the breakup never happened to begin with. For example, call your ex up at work and ask what they would like for dinner, or if they could pick up some milk on their way home. Act confused by their 'bewilderment'. Hehe. Or...send everyone in his/her family greeting cards on special occasions and sign both of your names. Show up at 6:30 a.m. on Sunday morning to give the car a tune-up, or water the garden. Call your ex up at 3 a.m. and ask him/her if they remembered to turn the gas off on the stove and lock the front door before they came to bed. Actually, the best revenge? APATHY! Learn it and live it! (exes HATE apathy) Step 7: Be Cool. If all else fails, you still have denial to fall back on. What breakup? ~by Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv:
Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms
How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Why a Breakup Creates a False Sense of Neediness In All of Us When you break up from a romantic and intimately close relationship, the feelings of confusion, anger, anxiety, anguish, abandonment, loneliness and worthlessness cloud your mind. You feel an emotional vacuum or void that pulls you in deeper sorrow and as a result, a false sense of neediness arises. You want something that can smoothen the creases of the heart and makes you feel better. The low self-esteem in these difficult times comes out as an unexplained need. The best way to seek revenge from an ex, who cheated on you or dumped you, is to live well and grow over your sorrows. To accomplish this you need to be in good company - which is sometimes hard to come by! So, unless you have a really terrific support network, your empty sense of neediness weighs on you. You will feel consumed by such an intense yearning to belong 'somewhere' and a have deep desire to find another relationship - one that soothes you from the feelings of vulnerability and masks your inability to get on with your life. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv:
Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms
How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Will Women EVER Be Happy With Their Men? How Women Chase Their Men Away A common problem between the sexes is the way each views their relationships. As a woman I have noticed that my female friends rag more than brag about their men, or men in general, and they do this in almost every conversation. Men don't do this! Why? Well, some would say it is because men don't discuss their personal lives, their feelings, their emotions, or their intimate relationships. But that's not true! So why is it that women rag about their men, and men talk about sports, tell jokes, and discuss things—anything—other than their relationships, or women in general? Because men don't focus inside, they focus outside. Men see the world around them—women feel the world within them. Women are very emotional creatures (don't you just love 'em?). Men see the world through reason and logic—they systemize, while women feel the world through emotions and feelings—they empathize. Women have always been credited with having an inordinate amount of intuition, or 'gut feelings', but it really is just a heightened awareness of their 'feeling' senses, being so emotionally in tune to everything around them. I remember years ago taking part in a witness accuracy test. The 'Witness Test' was an attempt to test the reliability of witness's testimony in the courtroom, or related to the law at the actual scene of the crime. The test consisted of a film and a questionnaire. The film was a short clip of a crime taking place. They showed the film to both men and women, then they passed out the 'Witness Questionnaire'. The questionnaire had various questions about the scene, such as what color shirt was the man wearing; how tall was the man; any tattoos; facial features, such as did he have facial hair, or a big nose; what was his body build; what state was the license on the car registered to; etc; as well as place for the person to write a brief report describing what he or she had witnessed. Invariably the men scored very high in given accurate details—but the women, ugh! They remembered feelings and emotions... "I felt frightened" "He was sweating" "The victim was crying" "It all happened so fast, but I think he looked very mean" "She was scared, I wanted to hold her and comfort her" "I felt sorry for her"... ....Women feel or sense the world around them and men watch or observe the world around them... ....That's why women's emotional needs are very, very high, and why men may 'notice' these needs, but they notice it purely on an 'observer' level, and not on an understanding or empathetic level. For the most part, though, men tend to deal with their unpleasant emotions by—not denial—but by looking beyond them, whereas women get caught up in the web of emotions. A good example of what I am getting at is in these quotes: "The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon, but only to support you long enough to enable you to reach for something higher" (by Thomas Henry Huxley). This quote is suitable for men. Not for women! Here would be a more defined quote for a woman: "Life is not advancement. It is growth. It does not move upward, but expands outward, in all directions." (by Russell G. Alexander). See, women aspire to go 'deeper' whereas men aspire to reach 'higher'. Success to a woman is to delve inward, explore, and then take this exploration outward and touch the world around her. Success to a man would be to see higher and not let anything inward or outward impede his upward climb. Women need to delve inward to see outward (translate to feel). Women sense their environment. Men need to look beyond and upward in order to envision their summit (translate tosee). Men envision their environment. A man's number one priority is to achieve status, which he needs independence in order to achieve. Whereas, opposing that, a woman's number one priority is to achieve involvement, which she needs connectivity in order to achieve. This creates an ongoing battle between the sexes. The problem arises when women obsess over the details of a man's actions and behavior. Women's ever-rationalizing minds are always trying to make things more significant than they really are. They are continuously looking for certain patterns, reasons, and explanations to everything man does, and they put an over abundance of importance to each word said, falsely believing that man's every action means something significant and profound. This is why they sometimes mistake something a man does as a 'sign' that something is amiss in his life, with his feelings for her, or in their relationship itself. A simple afternoon of him going off fishing to her may mean that he doesn't want to be around her, or that he is unhappy in the relationship—but to him, hey, he just went fishing. Whereas she is at home dwelling, and obsessing, and fearing over his 'motives' to go fishing, he is just out 'fishing'. By the time he gets back from fishing she is waiting for him, all emotional—possibly either sad or angry. She may even request that they have a 'talk' about their relationship 'problems', and this utterly confuses him. What problems? He didn't know they had problems! And then he starts complaining, as all men do, that women are too 'emotional', and she will start complaining, as all women do, that men are insensitive. See a man's relationship just 'exists' to him. It's just 'there'. He doesn't have to think about it, he doesn't need to dwell on it, and he definitely doesn't feel the need to 'analyze' it to death. But she does. Her relationship is her whole world and so she must make sure it is perfect. So she obsesses and dwells and analyzes and scrutinizes and examines and worries and so on and so on—to its death. She can't ever just 'let it be'. To a man a relationship is just something that he is in, not doing or having. To a woman her relationship takes on an entity of its own. It becomes a living, breathing appendage of her, much like an offspring would be, and she must watch it very carefully and tend to it constantly to keep her 'child' alive. A funny thing happens while she is obsessing over him and their relationship, and possibly—out of fear—reading simple things like his fishing one afternoon, as a sign that things are going wrong. She starts to feel like it's all falling apart! So she then begins to feel 'incomplete', unattractive, and insecure. Another funny thing happens, too, when a woman obsesses and dwells over her partner and her relationship: The more she dwells on it, the more 'power' she gives both to her partner and to her relationship. And then the more dependent she becomes on them. When something begins to have so much power (to her), she thinks of it as being far more important to her survival than it really is. This dependency—coupled with her feelings of incompleteness, unattractiveness, and insecurity—causes her to become needy and clingy, and constantly unhappy with the relationship... whereas she then starts striving to 'fix' him or their relationship. Which, ironically, can often times be the actual cause and true onset of relationship problems. Most men will not be too happy with a partner that lacks self-esteem and is too dependent; needy; suffocating; clingy; insecure; complaining; or emotionally volatile. These are men's biggest turn-offs! And what does she do if she does get a good man? Out of fear of losing him, she becomes hypervigilant to him. She starts finding faults and flaws in him and begins her 'fixing' program. She feels that more power will be added to her self-esteem and ego if she can 'fix' him. Thus, the huge attraction to the 'bad boy' image. So now we know that most women do obsess over their men, and their relationships, and that therefore they have a constant need to fix and improve their men. But what really is happening here is that basically, and unknowingly, she is giving out the signal to her man that she is 'unhappy' with him, and that who he is isn't good enough; or that he is wrong; bad; flawed; or faulty. So now we have a man who is with a women that is not only 'over emotional', but also needy, nagging, clingy, and telling him that who he is is wrong! And she let's him know that she is unhappy. Unfortunately, a man's primary relationship goal is to keep his women happy! Her unhappiness makes him feel even more like a failure—when he is around her! While many women are lacking in self-esteem it is mostly because women feel they need to be in a relationship with a perfect and doting man in order to be 'successful' in their lives. They need these two things to feel good about themselves and their 'achievements'. Unfortunately, nobody has ever told them that they really don't need a man to feel good about themselves, they just need to become more aware of—and in control of—their emotions. And that, my friends, is how some women chase their men away. Article by Tigress Luv - An Exclusive Writer for Breakup Magazine ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv:
Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms
How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Break Up FAQ's WHY AM I SUCH AN EMOTIONAL WRECK? Rejection and unrequited love can create a very deep and personal wound. It undermines our sense of self worth and destroys our security. We may feel intense feelings of panic, anxiety, hopelessness, longing, isolation, self-blaming, anger, resentment, helplessness, unworthiness, and despair. I FEEL SICK TO MY STOMACH. IS IT NORMAL TO FEEL PHYSICALLY ILL? WHY MUST I GO THROUGH THIS PAIN? WHO CAN I TURN TO? Unfortunately, some people going through a painful break up will seek for temporary solutions to kill their pain. These can be very self-damaging and harmful methods such as drugs, alcohol, or even a one-night stand. Some will (I, for one) even go as far as getting emotionally addicted to their grief - using it as a sort of 'rebound relationship'. Depression is also very common. AM I MEANT TO BE ALONE? Take this time now to reflect back over your relationships and see if you aren't consistently attracted to those who may be emotionally unavailable (a challenge), or those who need fixing, have addictions, or other emotional problems and issues. The problem may not be that you are meant to be alone, but rather that you need to learn that you are worthy and whole with or without a partner, and then make the conscious decision to be more selective in your choice of future mates. Until you can get an understanding of yourself and what motivates you, you may be destined to be chronically heartbroken. IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME? You may feel like you are always on the outside looking in. Or feel trapped in a loneliness you did not consciously choose, forced to always feel like you are singled out for misery. Maybe you believe you're just plain incapable of being in a relationship. Maybe your deepest fear is that you will never find a mate that you can have a healthy relationship with. This just simply isn't so! You are just caught in a pattern of past hurts, a pattern you can't escape from until you identify its source and listen to yourself. Our online webBook,How to Get Over a Breakup, will shed much light on this subject, enabling to have more healthy future relationships, and recover from the grief of your current break up. CAN I GET ADDICTED TO MY GRIEF? IS THERE A 'QUICK-FIX' METHOD THAT WILL KILL THIS HORRIBLE PAIN? Holding grudges, anger, and resentments can keep you emotionally attached to the pain. You must find forgiveness in your heart for both yourself and those who have hurt you, either deliberately or unintentionally. HOW CAN I FIND FORGIVENESS FOR SOMEONE WHO HURT ME SO? Forgiveness is also about you. Forgive yourself your own role in your break up. You are human, you messed up - big deal! Haven't we all messed up? Painful lessons we learn in life are actually rewards we get paid in the end. IS IT GOOD TO CRY? If, however, you feel your pain is over-extended or out-of-control, you may excel your healing as well as gaining emotional benefits in seeking help from outside sources, such as therapy, counselling, friends, family, co-workers, or joining a support group. ~by Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv:
Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms
How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man The Silent Treatment - A Form of Abuse (parts of this article have been gathered from message boards and forum comments) I believe the silent treatment (feigned apathy; cold-shoulder; silence; distance, and ignoring you) is the worst form of emotional abuse. It is a punishment used by abusers to make you feel unimportant, not valued, not cared about and completely absent from the abuser's thoughts. It is used as a form of non-physical punishment and control because the abuser mistakenly thinks that if they don't physically harm you then they are not abusers. The truth is, they are far worse at doling out abuse than the physical abuser. Silent treatment is a form of banishing someone from the abuser's existence without the benefit of closure or a good bye or a chance at reconciliation. In a word..it's meant to torture someone you profess to love. Should I meet someone again who uses this tactic just once he will not get another chance. Because the silent treatment is something that the abuser repeats over and over again. The silent treatment is CONTROL, and a safe means for them to avoid any 'uncomfortable' topics, issues in the relationship, or issues within himself (or herself). The silent treatment is a method the abuser uses to 'kill' you for something you have done. In a sense, you have been psychologically 'murdered' by them, but your physical life goes on. In my current relationship (over as of this last abusive episode) I have spent more days getting the 'silent treatment' than not. Yes - I believe it is the 'worst' of the emotional abuse tactics - and this is where I have been most harmed and damaged, and where I will need most of my healing from. At my age I definitely don't need this. Relationships aren't supposed to be about pain and hurt. Why in goodness name I have allowed myself to suffer through all his forms of power, control, and abuse for years will be a forever question mark in my mind. I used to love him, even when I was angry with him, or hurt by him. My love stopped during the last episode - or maybe the one before. I really can't remember when my heart shut off the love valve. Maybe it was a gradual thing. However, the love is gone, truly gone - and this current episode just made me commit to not going back into the relationship. Truth be told, if I were to walk in on him today and find he had died from a heart attack or something, I think I would just be relieved, and not experience any grief or sadness at all. I know that sounds inhuman and evil, but what abused partner hasn't wished for the abuser to just stop abusing, even if it's by death? As with most abusers, they are in denial over their own abuse. They may use the excuses: I needed to have some space I thought you needed some space I was feeling depressed and didn't want to drag you down with me I thought we both need a cooling off period I felt threatened/insulted/hurt and reacted with fear and isolation I just needed some time alone to think I didn't want to fight You told me to leave you alone Problems from my past came up and I needed to sort them out Of course these excuses are just one more way for the abusers to blame somebody or something else for his abuse. Some victims of the Silent Treatment have said: "He uses it to punish me on a regular basis" "I've had times where my husband used this tactic on me so bad, that I ended up wishing that he would just hit me and get it over with-why? Because at least then I would know I existed, and that I wasn't a ghost or invisible." "I've learned to love the silent treatment. For years, it devastated me and I felt that it was the worst of the abuse...but it's not...at least not for me....and yes, I felt that it was a punishment. It made me feel not important, subhuman...like I didn't even exist." "That's all it took & he wouldn't speak for days sometimes. Then he would start talking like nothing was ever wrong. Ignore your problems & keep up a front. I couldn't live like that anymore." "There was no rhyme or reason, it could happen at any time, go on for days and usually erupted into an outburst of rage. Trying to figure it out, was mind boggling and yes, punishment!" The reality is (in most cases) that the more someone ignores you the more you actually want to resolve the problem. It's almost an involuntary need on the part of the person being ignored. And that's the whole point to the ignorer. It puts them in control AND it gets them attention. However, that's in most cases - in my case the more he pulled the silent treatment, the more I saw him as a very emotionally-sick and an immature, abusive person and the LESS I wanted to resolve our problems. I would just pray for him to leave, or sometimes I would fantasize that I was in another healthy, loving relationship, and that he and I didn't even exist as a couple, or I would pack up some clothes and try to leave myself. Of course, part of his 'control' was in knowing the fact that I couldn't leave my children or my job...which I would have had to do to leave my home. This gave him all the authority and power over me as he so chose. But that authority and control truly isn't love - that controlling power and abuse is an insecure person's way of trying to not be abandoned - by abandoning you, and probably when you needed them the most. This way they feel that they had a psychological and emotional hold on you. That you can't abandon them. The problem is, are they too stupid to realize that being abandoned is exactly the result that they will eventually get? To be abandoned by their victim? Maybe not always physically abandoned, as abused people can take abuse for years and years. But they abandon their abusers mentally and emotionally, closing their hearts and souls to them, and killing any love at all they may have once felt for the abuser. Isn't that leaving? I should think so! Abuse is abuse. And abuse is never ok. In one way though, the silent treatment is far worse than other forms of abuse, because it indirectly says to you that you are not a person, you are an object, you are invisible because they choose to make you so because you are not worthy of their time. THAT is one of the most hurtful and abusive things to do in my book. It is a horrible feeling, being ignored and denied affection. For me personally the silent treatment was dished out when I did something he didn't like, when I was wrong, or when I showed him he was wrong. The link was as clear as flipping a switch and seeing the light go out. POW, KABOOM! I got punished and he wouldn't speak with me for days on end, including choosing to not even be in the same physical area with me. He would hide away or disappear for hours, and even sleep sitting upright in a desk chair every night for up to a week (or more) just to avoid being in the same room with me. He was almost childlike in his behavior. I finally said, "screw this". I couldn't live like that anymore. Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv:
Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms
How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Personal Growth Personal Growth? Is it achievable? Yes! Yes! Yes! But unfortunately we, and we alone, often stand in our way of personal growth. We deny, avoid, blame, hide, and postpone our way to happiness. Stop denying! Quit denying that you have a problem. Don't hide your problem in alcohol or drugs, or fake a smile. Don't think that your mild depression is simply because the weather is gloomy, or your car needs tires. The funny thing about denial is when it sees itself, it denies it. By denying that you have a real problem - or issues that need to be corrected and dealt with - you are essentially being self-protective, taking a defensive action to avoid admitting that you are not perfect. It is in this stage that we often feel 'anger' towards another person. If we can successfully abolish our own shortcomings and blame it all on somebody else then we have denied having a problem, and we can deny that we are the ones that need fixing and that our issues are the ones that need solving. Sometimes we do admit we have a problem, but either place the blame for the problem on somebody else, "I wouldn't be so controlling if they weren't so distancing," or we pretend helplessness to fixing our problems and bettering ourselves. We tell ourselves things like, "I can't change my neediness because I am just not intelligent enough to be self-sufficient", "I tried to take better care of myself once but my lifestyle is just too hectic and I need to smoke/drink to relax", or "I really want to find happiness but how can I be happy when he/she refuses to change their ways?" We have mistakenly blamed others for our unhappiness, or taken a defeatist and helpless attitude towards improving or changing ourselves. We become self-righteous, pointing the blame at circumstances, outside influences, or helplessly being without options. When people are stuck in this self-righteous stage they are at the most unhappiest point in their life. As long as they are blaming circumstances, or others, for their unhappiness then their unhappiness will continue and they will never learn that it is up to them to change - not up to the world to change. Another problem is when we encounter both acceptance and responsibility, but postpone doing anything about it. "Yes, I know I am insecure, but until I lose weight I can't feel good about myself and I just am too busy now to start a diet. I'll wait until after the holidays." Although postponing some of our problems to be dealt with at a later date can stop us from becoming overwhelmed by the enormity of it all, it is not good to get stuck in the procrastination stage. We just keep postponing and postponing personal happiness. By breaking up our goals for personal growth and self-improvement into smaller steps they are more easily accomplished. Instead of saying I have to lose forty pounds, which can seem overwhelming, say to yourself. "My goal is to lose 5 pounds this month." Or, instead of saying I have to quit this nowhere job and get a better one, say to yourself, "I think I'll take a few night courses in business management. That should be fun and enlightening." Small changes, baby steps, and reachable goals are much more easily attained and administered than overwhelming, consuming jobs. When we catastrophize our problems they seem consuming and unapproachable. Resolving to let go of our issues is a huge step in improving our overall health and happiness. To let go of an issue means to stop denying and acknowledge that it does exist; to stop blaming others for it; to stop postponing facing it; to stop catastrophizing; and to accept it, justify it, and then let it go. "Yes, I do have insecurities but that is because as a child I was abandoned/rejected by my father/mother. Of course that would make one grow up to feel inferior! But right now I am going to let my insecurities go because I am a worthy human being. I give my parent's rejection back to him/her and totally accept myself. I forgive myself for my shortcomings and I forgive those who I believe have caused me pain. After all, we are just humans and human's make mistakes." ~Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv:
Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms
How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Emotionally Abusive Relationships: Are You In One? Emotionally abusive relationships can be very damaging because there is no 'concrete' thing that can be seen - and so the cause often goes unnoticed. We often just have an 'uneasy' feeling until it is too late and the damage has been done. Emotionally abusive relationships may show as little as only three, but as much as all of the following questions: Is your mate irritated, upset, or angry with you often, sometimes several times a week or more? Are they upset with you even though you had no intention of upsetting them? Are you often times surprised by their anger or sudden outburst? Is their anger directed at 'you' or something they say 'you' did or didn't do? Does he blame 'you' for his outrage, anger, or upset? Does he deny to you his being angry or upset? Do you find yourself questioning everything you do as you do it, lest it angers him? Does he refuse to discuss any upsetting issues with you, or accuse you of trying to start an argument if you bring them up? Do you feel that the issues that arise are never resolved? Do you feel uneasy, unhappy, depressed, or edgy because of these unresolved issues? Does he frequently misunderstand your intentions? Do you end up feeling perplexed and frustrated at his misconstruing your every action? Do you find yourself dismissing the bigger issues of your relationship, such as children, financial investments, or retirement planning because your daily lack of communication is consuming your emotional energy. For instance, do you often worry about him misunderstanding something he thought you said, or what you thought he said? Are the simple little day-to-day issues consuming the big picture? Do you sometimes feel like there is something wrong with 'you'? Do you sometimes feel bad and can't figure out why? Is your mate secretive? Does he rarely, if ever, share his thoughts or plans with you, or discuss issues with you? Does your mate almost always disagree with you? If you say the sky is blue do they say it is grey? If you found a movie to be good do they claim it was bad? Are you always made to feel like you are wrong and he is right? Are you punished when you say "No", or are you made to feel you haven't the right to say “Stop this”? Do you feel obligated to 'give in' just to keep peace? Does your mate get angry or pretend ignorance if you approach him to discuss an issue? Do you bite your tongue and hold things in? Do you feel like your mate holds all the power in your relationship? Do you find yourself asking for 'permission' to do something or get something, as if you were a child? Do you often apologize for your behavior? Does your mate overpower you making you feel 'needy' and 'humble' to them? Have you gradually stopped talking to or seeing your family? Have you lost contact with your friends? Does your mate criticize your friends, or belittle your family members? Does he complain when you visit them to the point where you stop just to avoid the confrontation and argument? Does your mate's behavior often embarrass you? Does your 'bowing down to him' behavior embarrass you? Do you think that everything is your fault and that if you can somehow fix your flaws that everything would be okay in the relationship? Do you often give in to his sexual demands to keep the peace? Do you have sex, or consent to unreasonable sexual demands, even if you don't want to? Does he do drugs or drink alcohol? Does his personality change when he does these? Do you find yourself having an uneasy 'sinking feeling' when you hear or see him pop open a beer? Does he make fun of you or joke around about your flaws? Can he laugh at his own mistakes, or himself, or admit to his own shortcomings and weaknesses? Does he quickly and easily admit when he's wrong? Can he apologize for his own behaviors? Does he make excuses for his behavior and blame it on someone or something else? Does he point the finger at you and make you feel like you are the reason for his upsets or to fault for his mistakes? Does he make all the decisions in the relationship? Does he plan outings, finances, vacations, retirement, children's discipline, the car, etc? Does he control, curtail, or disapprove of your spending? Has he put you on an allowance, or strict budget, yet has complete freedom to spend as he wishes? Does he keep you financially needy of him? Would you feel frightened or uneasy if he caught you reading this questionnaire, or taking this test? If you have answered yes to just three of these questions, odds are you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. You probably find yourself often depressed and wondering why. You may just feel 'unhappy' but can't put your finger on the source of your unhappiness. Or you may find yourself thinking that you are clumsy, stupid, incompetent, wrong, or no-good. These are all subtle signs of being emotionally abused. ~Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv:
Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms
How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man by Tigress Luv, The Break Up Guru For 'dumpees' the world over, the BIG question is: How in the heck am I supposed to fall out of love with my ex? The biggest mistake most people make when they breakup with their partner is to believe that they somehow have to instantly, magically "fall out of love" with their ex. That simply is just not so. Feel the love for your ex in your heart, allow the memories and good feelings to flow if you want...but just remember while allowing your heart to feel the love to also use your brain to receive feedback that it is over and will not work out. Feel free to feel the love but accept the fact that it is over, too. You can love him/her for the rest of eternity if you'd like. There is NO reason to think you have to 'fall out of love' with him/her...however you do need to go through the grief of loss, the withdrawal from that which has become an addiction if you'd like, and acknowledge and accept that the relationship is over. This is the key to getting past the grief to a point where our hearts are open and love can re-enter our lives. But...you can't just 'will' your heart to not love someone anymore than you can will your heart not to beat. It just isn't possible! What is possible, however, is to 'allow' yourself to fall out of love. If the relationship is over then stop fighting it, and learn to accept it - learn how to 'allow' your heart to stop loving your ex. To 'allow' your heart to stop loving your ex is hard - it means admitting to ourselves that the relationship is over, and that we will be okay - no matter what. To allow your heart to fall out of love means to open it back up and 'allow' others in. You can speed up this process by either getting rid of anything that reminds you of your ex, or by packing it away - out of sight. By clinging to the love you are not keeping the relationship alive - like your mind has convincingly deceived you into believing - all you are doing is keeping the grief alive. Get new interests, change something about yourself or your life that you were dissatisfied with, find new hobbies, join clubs or groups and make new friends. This is a time of rebirth for you - a second chance at life - so go for it with all the gusto that you possibly can! ~Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv:
Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms
How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Is Your Breakup Making You Feel Kinda Funky? Break ups have a way of making us feel like we're losing our minds. We have anxiety attacks at the drop of a hat, panic attacks at the thought of one more tomorrow without them. We question our lives, our love, our sanity. And most of all we feel the Earth spinning around us in real time! ONE: Get rid of ALL caffeine in your life. Buy caffeine free cola, decaffeinated coffee, etc. You would be surprised to learn just how many anxiety/panic attacks can be linked to caffeine use. If you try it (just for two days even) you will be absolutely amazed at the noticeable change in your attitude, outlook, and 'nerves'. TWO: Rearrange, or redecorate, your bedroom. Get some new sheets, blankets, comforters, and curtains. Paint the walls, and maybe even change the carpet. Rearrange all the furniture and get rid of anything (pictures, etc) that remind you of your ex. Hang new pictures, get fresh flowers - whatever you want to make it your own personal sanctuary! Plan out (in your head) your next day's goal when you lay down at night - this helps get a more peaceful sleep and helps you to get to sleep faster. Then, when you wake up in the morning it should be the FIRST and FOREMOST thing that pops into your head. All in all, there is no magic day for getting over a breakup - we just want to believe it is. A magic day is when you wake up one morning and realize you haven't thought about your ex in THREE WHOLE DAYS ~Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv:
Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms
How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man The Hereby Accused - Profile of an Abuser NOTE: The expressions, opinions, views, and impressions set forth in the following article simply represent my own estimate and attitude towards the subject of abuse. They are not known to be absolutely true, nor proven to be inaccurate either. As with anything in this world, the accuracy as to authenticity can only be logically placed solely on the credibility of implied experiences - and not on actuality of fact. Fact cannot possibly exist in psychological reasoning. "Most abusive men are likely to be extremely outgoing, charming, and likable. This is just a mask for his extreme insecurity. Abusive men have an obsessive need to control their mates, to keep them hostage, to own them. Abusers often blame the woman for causing him to be abusive, or accuses her of being unfaithful or inadequate." Profile of an Abuser: control at which anxiety, fear, and anger are at the root extreme fear of abandonment delusional thoughts of infidelity, extreme jealousy, overly jealous, possessive and insecure of wife's/girlfriend's fidelity exaggerated dependence on their partners, inability to tolerate being alone, distorted views of himself, of his partner, of relationships experienced either admitted or hidden childhood shame (shame brought on by being subjected to not being allowed to express his feelings without recourse [severe beating / punishment / ridicule], a lost sense of power or have their mastery stolen from them, or stripped of their dignity or control of their own fate) atypical childhood attachment to their mother childhood rejection, parental coldness/indifference, direct childhood abuses; parental REJECTION being the number one influence and indication as to adult abusiveness; shame as in attacks on their selfhood, humiliation, embarrassment, being shamed by one's father, punishing at random. Any kind of rejection or shame of them that may lead to the feelings of 'wrongness' for the child's whole self. Feelings of being punished for nothing, or being punished for who they are as opposed to what they did. Random, unprovoked 'sneak attack' punishments - is an attempt to punish a child for who they are - not what they have done! Public embarrassment such as in a restaurant, in front of friends, or in front of siblings who were not subjected to the same shaming techniques...leaving the child to feel wrong, unacceptable and unlovable to their main source of male identity - their father! A father figure who induces feelings of shame and wrongness in a child, usually can rest assured that their child will grow up to be controlling, insecure, and overly attached to their mates overly worried about being abandoned emotionally/verbally/physically abusive their wives are Madonna's one day, whores the next, believes that there are only two types of women - the 'good' girls and the 'bad' girls intense fear of abandonment projecting emotional, jealous outbursts of perceived infidelity the abuser tends to have life 'cycles', where he switches from the nice man, to the hard to please, fault-finding man, to the raging man, then down to the apologetic, scared, and needy man projects self-blame outwards Possible Causes: being made to feel shamed by one's father, feeling rejected by one's father. Emotionally distanced from one's father being physically and/or verbally abused by one's father feeling rejected by one's mother, or receiving mixed signals, such as a protective clinging mother one minute, and rejecting emotionally-detached mother the next a cold, absent, and intermittently abusive and/or shaming father who relays to the child the message that they are unworthy. i.e., "you're no good" "you'll never amount to anything" "you're a loser and will always be a loser" A father who doesn't give the impression, "I don't care for what you did - but I love you anyway" a false view of women and relationships Noticeable Traits of the Abuser: The abuser has the intense need for constant reaffirmation, feedback, praise, and flattery - in order to know who he is, and that who he is isokay. This results in a man who needs extreme shows of a woman's affection and proof of her love. He sees every action on her part as either proof of her love, or proof of lack of her love. His insecurities can twist even the most loving act of hers around to be a pure act of hatred and contempt for him on her part. Even though this man needs constant, positive feedback - he cannot ask for it, and he may even feel vulnerable and out of control, yet can't admit his weakness and need for her acceptance, for her love, for her. Since this need for her is so overwhelming, he feels threatened by the thought of losing her. He becomes hypervigilent to every little thing she does and he gets hurt easy. (When one cannot make the distinction between ordinary human mistakes and something directly misconstrued to wrongly judge the 'perceived wrongness' in themselves, in general, they overreact. He may get over emotional, and react with extreme hostility and anger.) When he reaches this insecure, needy stage he has the tendency to blame others for the negative events in his life. He uses anger as a 'mask' to hide shame and feelings of being 'wrong' and 'unacceptable'. Abusers are experts at projecting their imagined shortcomings onto their wives, or girlfriends. Due to an exaggerated need to protect himself, and his inflated sense of pride, his wife becomes directly responsible for the wrongness he feels in himself. He may accuse her of betraying him, of sexually hungering after others, of being embarrassing, incapable, wrong, no-good, bad, unacceptable, without class, brainless, helpless, faulty, etc. Thus, by externalizing his shame, i.e. transforming it into blame (directed at others) the abuser takes away his own hidden and unaddressed feelings of inadequacy and unwholeness, and conveniently places the blame onto others. If he were to not externalize the blame onto someone else, he would have to feel even more bad about himself, i.e., he is shameful - wrong - unacceptable as a person, and again he would feel that intense, lonely feeling of humiliation, embarrassment, and ridicule that he was made to feel as a child. He would feel all that extreme internal pain that he has so successfully learned how to mask and project onto others for years...he again would become that horrible person that has something terribly, dreadfully, wrong with them. Despite these feelings, as the psychologically abused child grows into a young adult he seeks a relationship with a woman that will somehow make him feel he is okay. But, as feeling okay is only to be found within him, this doesn't happen - and as more and more relationships fail - he begins to externalize his inner rage, mistakenly believing that all women are disloyal, untrustworthy, and controlling. However, when this same man does form an intimate relationship with a woman this closeness threatens to bare his sorry soul for all the world to see (or, at worst, her to see), he mistakenly feels that the intimacy threatens his 'shell', threatens to destroy his 'mask' and expose him for the imagined failure he is. He is scared that this closeness will invade him, penetrate him, leaving him ashamedly exposed to the discovery of his real self - the bad, shamed self he believes himself to really be - the one he successfully keeps hidden under his 'mask' to the outside world: non-intimate partners, casual acquaintances, co-workers, and strangers. Mothers of abusers play a huge role, too - although she is usually unaware of the confusing damage she may be causing her child. Most children who have lived in a house with an overpowering, controlling father figure had mothers who were trying to cope with both the father's fury and being abused themselves, whilst still being available and in tune to their childrens' needs. Thus, abused women may deal with personal issues on a 'cycle-like' level themselves. This results in a mother who is one day very attentive, somewhat over-protective, and extremely loving to their children - and emotionally cold and distant to them the next. This unpredictable alter in a mother's love gives off mixed signals to the child - a kind of 'come here/go away' type of message that confuses him.The emotionally distant, controlling, or manipulative mother, or 'here one minute/gone the next' mother - whether she was consciously aware of it or not - may instill feelings of frustration, fear of abandonment, and intense yearnings for love and acceptance in the child. After being continuously confused as to his mother's love and acceptance of him, mixed with the shaming of him by his father, the child eventually starts to combine his love and vulnerability to her/him with fear of rejection and anger at not getting his needs met. He now believes that - if one loves another he is vulnerable to rejection, abandonment, and shame. Consequently, the common felt (and perfectly normal ) emotion of love now becomes a misguided emotion of fear, and frustrated feelings with not being able to stop the rejection, resulted in intense anger aimed at the one they need/long for. His anger is a last minute attempt to control his parents in order for him to get what he needs. He has been set up. He is emotionally 'out of sync' and out of control, and reacts with anger to those he loves. This is how he can love while still protecting himself from being hurt, abandoned, betrayed, or rejected. This is how he thinks he gets love, too. His anger is merely a safe mask hiding his vulnerability. In other words, his anger is masked fear. Fear of being abandoned, rejected, and shamed. Additionally, if the young boy has been made to feel shamed by his father he naturally may become 'more' dependent on his mother (female figure) for acceptance, nurturing, caretaking, and survival - adding to an even greater loss of his sense of self. His fear of her rejection escalates and he soon feels the intense need to separate from her, but - at the same time - he fears the separation. So he separates his mother into two woman. There is the good mother who is loving and nurturing, and this woman is safe to love and safe to be around. Then there is the bad mother - the one who is cold, rejecting, abandoning, and distant. This is the woman that creates fear in him, the mother that makes him angry at her in order to avoid his fear of being abandoned by her. So, now the child has learned at a very early age to separate the female figure in his life into two woman. The Good Woman, and the Bad Woman. (And in doing so, he must separate himself in two, too.) This impression carries forth and remains the same throughout much of his adulthood. He realizes how important his wife or girlfriend is to him, and he feels an inner struggle for separation to avoid the pain of rejection or abandonment. By separating his wife/girlfriend into two categories he can control his feelings of being vulnerable and in need of her, by stopping those feelings once they appear and by blaming her for it. She is no longer the Good Woman, she has now become the Bad Woman. He has, essentially, successfully made his wife into two separate women. The Good wife is loving and grateful and appreciative and accepting and nurturing and faithful...but the Bad wife - ew! She is uncaring, withholding, unloving, unaccepting, unfaithful, unattractive, brainless, helpless, worthless, a lousy housewife who additionally is lacking in manners and class, and - to top this all off - she can't cook and is a whore and a liar! (Phew, the poor woman might as well crawl in a hole and die for loving him!) This belief also makes him separate himself - Jekyll/Hyde, as most abused women describe their abusers.Whereas the Good side of him (the side that's not afraid to admit his need for his wife) clings to and loves the Good Wife - the Bad side, however, does two things. One, he attempts to control her, thus ensuring himself his power over her so she can't leave him. When this doesn't work, or even when it does, he continues on. Two, when his Bad side realizes the control/power his woman has over him instead of the power he has over her, simply by his need for her, he fights these submissive behaviors by directing the fear of losing her into anger at her...she now becomes the Bad Wife and he doesn't care if he loses her, or not. In fact, he has himself become so thoroughly convinced of this that he may just say to himself, "GET RID OF HER - SHE'S JUST A WHORE AND YOU DON'T NEED A WHORE!!!" Note: At this stage, he has absolutely convinced himself of her unfaithfulness - or her attempt at unfaithfulness. This is his exaggerated fear of her abandoning him surfacing. I remember my bf saying that he feared the power women had... that men fear women because they need them. I thought that odd at the time, but now in retrospect I fully understand his fear. He was scared to death of loving and being abandoned, because he identified who he was by who he was with. He 'found himself' only through the "love" and "acceptance" of his significant others! (Such the reason why the abuser may be in intense fear of being abandoned or left alone.) The abuser experiences many uncomfortable feelings in the course of his days. Anguish, depression, anxiety, and sense of having a disconnected, or out-of-body experience, are common feelings for the abuser. These feelings - combined with an intense fear of abandonment - are the driving force behind the abuse. Unfortunately, these feeling can easily be masked by the use of drugs and alcohol, as a way to escape these unwanted emotions. However, by 'lowering' the emotional tolerance in the user, drugs and alcohol soon play a role in an abusers 'release' of his built up rage (unacknowledged fears). In his Hyde personality, his Bad side, he starts seeing his woman as the Bad Wife/GF. She can't clean, cook, she's a whore, a bitch - etc. Remember, the abuser is either overly needy and appreciative of his wife's love and specialness (the Good Wife), or frustrated and intimidated by his perceived conception of her unfaithfulness and desire to abandon him, reject him (the Bad Wife). The Good Wife he can become extremely needy of, attached to, or dependent on. This threatens his emotional security because if she were to leave him he would be abandoned - he thus would lose his sense of 'self'. This explains the somewhat panicky feeling abusers get at the thought of being left or abandoned by their wives - they fear being abandoned by their woman almost as much as they fear being 'attached' and in need of their woman. The loss of attachment and any perceived threat to this attachment creates extreme emotions to the abuser in the form of exaggerated terror, grief, and, yes, RAGE! Thus, the abuser has two distinct impressions of women - with no other possibilities. There are 'Good' girls, and there are 'Bad' girls. Period. His wife is one day a Madonna, or the next day a whore. And, the whore image is more likely if the abuser's father set the example by controlling or belittling their mother, by cheating on her, or by insinuating that all women are whores, tramps, sluts, etc . These views of women are reinforced in the abuser by society, movies, music, and their school years and peer influence. To a confused teenager he may feel embarrassment associated with dating someone who has had sex previously - although he, himself, may have slept around too...this just reinforces the notion that there are only two types of women. The Good Girls, and the Bad Girls. So, when the abuser falls in love with a Good Girl, and yet has the desire for sex with her he makes her the Bad Girl, to protect himself... he rationalizes his beliefs, projects his yearnings outward onto her, then sleeps with her - she's the whore, not him! Stages and Cycles of Abuse: Stage One: The abuser becomes overly attached to his wife or girlfriend. This is because he only feels 'whole' within an intimate relationship, because he has no sense of 'self'. When he feels this extreme attachment he begins to fear his need for her. So, to not feel the fear of being abandoned and to try and regain any kind of sense of self, he starts on his personal vendetta to make her the Bad Girl (in his mind). I have heard this likened to 'playing the bitch tape'. This is when his thoughts and reasoning start to convince himself that she is 'bad' - she is a whore, not to be trusted, she doesn't care about him, the kids, or the house, she doesn't take care of him, etc. Stage Two: After awhile he breaks out in a rage: insulting her, verbally attacking her, throwing things, or threatening her, hitting her, etc - this is the rage release, where he releases his need of her, his fear of abandonment, his feelings of unworthiness, shame, and of being shameful and no good. He has vented his rage. He now feels strangely calm and at peace. There are four influences to his rage. One: he needs to vent his inner raging turmoil in order to feel good once again. Two: he fears losing his wife more than anything in the world and this fear makes him intensely angry. The more he fears it the more angry he gets - he fears his own vulnerability to her, and his helpless need of her. Anger is just masked fear. Anger is just frustration at not being able to control a certain outcome - anger is, in itself, the fear of being out of control. Three: the more he feels needy of his wife, the more he depends on her, and the more likely he feels the need to end this dependence on her. His anger can actually push her away from him, and him away from her. This separation abolishes him from having to worry about her leaving anymore. It doesn't matter to him anymore. Four: he has been consistently proven and repeatedly shown from his childhood experiences that an overpowing, authoritative, controlling abusive attitude gets you what you want. His father proved to him at a very early impressionable age that anger and rage puts one in 'control'. Stage Three: Once he vents and rages, he 'lands' back on Earth. He now realizes how very important she really is to him. Then he realizes he has done wrong and may 'lose her'. So, now comes the apologetic stage where he is docile, servile, ashamed, and sorry. Now his wife again enters the Madonna phase - theGood wife phase, he is on his knees to her. Stage Four: His loving wife returns, feeling safe for a while. She forgives him. Things are, again, wonderful. The relationship is great. Everything is running smoothly. Life has never been better. But...THEY ARE LIVING IN A HOUSE OF CARDS! and so begins... Stage One: He gets just so close to her and then he starts the 'fear' of needing her too much, the fear of being abandoned by her. The fear of being exposed as the shameful person he believes he is by the intimacy of being 'known' by her. He feels vulnerable to this 'power' she holds over him. So, he starts again with the 'projecting' his perceived 'badness' onto her. He doesn't want to feel vulnerable to her love. He starts to place his own faults onto her - this way he takes the blame away from himself and avoids taking direct responsibility for his pain, upset, imposed feelings of being threatened, or helpless - and he starts on his personal vendetta to make her the Bad Girl (he runs the 'bitch tape'). He may deny his own sexual longings and desires - and projects these sexual needs and impulses onto his wife - making her out to be a wanton whore. When the abuser can't acknowledge that anything is his fault he redirects the blame to his wife. She can now do nothing right - she is the Bad Wife. And he again builds up in anger and contempt at this woman - until ...he reaches again the 'rage' stage where he releases, where he vents. And the tension is gone, and then...back to Stage Two. And so forth, and so on...Over and over and over, again. ~Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv:
Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms
How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Break Up Healing Mistakes Breakups can make life miserable. Unfortunately, many of us resort to ineffective or self-defeating attempts to hasten our healing, or try to reverse the process. We only end up making matters worse. Some self-destructive things we may resort to are: Denial: Denying the breakup, or ignoring your hurt, pain, confusion, and feelings of rejection only compounds it. Like cancer, it slowly eats away at you, silently, painlessly, and unnoticed . Acknowledge your pain. Accept that the relationship is over. Attack their pride or good-character: Often times, to lessen our own painful feelings of rejection and failure, we finger-point. Placing blame on the other person. We need to learn to attack the 'issue', instead of the person. Name-calling, fault finding, or finger-pointing only builds the wall, hides the issue, and prevents us from bettering ourselves for future relationships, and salvaging our current ones. Manipulation: There are many forms of manipulation, from openly dating others to feelings of hopelessness and abandonment. Sometimes we are very much aware of our manipulative ways. Such as sending cards, flowers, or others gestures of relaying our love (need). But, more often than not, we are unaware. We may cry, beg, threaten, insult, belittle, or even blackmail our ex - all with hopes of manipulating them into helping us get what 'we' want. Our main goal is satisfying our own personal interests - we ignorantly think, 'to hell with what is good or right for them'. We only see things our way. Calling in the forces: We try to recruit friends, acquaintances, co-workers, and both our ex's and our own families as allies on our quest to 'make it stop' or 'make it all go away'. Whether our motives are to belittle and insult our ex, find out 'if they are seeing anybody', or looking for a translator to get our message of misery or woe to the ex. Eventually, all we really end up doing is losing our own self-respect and dignity. Over-analyzing: Are you dwelling on your breakup, your relationships, and the if's, and's and but's? Do you keep reliving the last moments over and over again? The problem is you are doing all this through one state of mind - that of a wounded child who did something wrong and wants to make it right. The problem is, just as with children, you aren't seeing clearly. You aren't really hearing what is being said to you. Close your prejudiced thoughts up. Empty you heart out. And open your ears. Neglect to give ourself, and our ex, time: You may instantly try to salvage the relationship, undo a breakup, change your ex's mind, or alter a certain course of events. Your thoughts are so clouded and unreliable right after a breakup. Give yourself time to 'come down' from the emotional roller-coaster so that you can think, act, and even react with a more relaxed state of mind. This always gives your ex time to unwind from the pain and think more clearly, too. If they were the one to opt for the breakup, odds are they are set on leaving it and the quicker you engage them with the ideal of getting back together the more adamant they will be to leave. Allowing time to pass gives them the needed space to think more rationally and get out of that 'wanting out' state. The webBook, This Side of Good-bye, available in our library here, explains more about what kind of mode people are in when they choose to leave a relationship. Rebound: "Oh, just forget it. I'm moving on and putting this man/woman behind me!" These thoughts can be very damaging. Dating again heals your heart about the same as placing a mere band-aid on a broken arm would heal the arm. The damage will remain! Before you move on you should learn to fully understand what issues were yours, where you could use 'fixing-up', and learning to be comfortable with being by yourself - a must for any future successful relationship. Without these you will see history repeat itself over and over again. You will know that the healing is complete and you are ready to date again when you can find happiness - alone and with yourself! And when you can find that then any relationship you have after that has got to be great because you eliminate these relationship busters: ANXIETY - you are FREE from that panicky 'need' to have someone DEPRESSION - you know to create your own happiness ABANDONMENT FEAR - there is no 'fear' of being left, because even that would be okay with you CODEPENDENCY - you've healed to the point where you do not 'unhealthily' ATTACH to someone HURT FEELINGS - you learn to listen without 'defending' (yourself) and speak without 'offending' (the other person). You also learn to hear the 'fear' behind their words - and yours DISCONTENTMENT - you learn to appreciate them for who they are. You don't try to change or alter them. And you allow them to be themselves NERVOUS INSECURITY - only 'you' are the 'be-all' to your life RESENTMENT - you love unselfishly PERFORMANCE ANXIETY - sex is no longer a 'tool' ANXIETY - when you are a peace with yourself, your relationship is one of serenity and security - not anxiety, worry, hurt, and pain Alcohol, drugs, food, one-night stands: Oh, my! Argh! The pain is gone temporary, and maybe that sounds really good right now - to stop the pain...but, boy does it come back ten-fold. Additionally, we are even more depressed as a result of the chemicals we have put in our body, our loss of self-respect, fear that we may have harmed ourselves, and the realization that we are right back where we started from! In fact, we are two steps back! The best solution is to not try to end the pain, but to just go through it. Think of it as a dark tunnel you have stumbled across while journeying through a dark and dismal land. You start out in a really bad place. In fact, it is such a bad, evil, horrible place that you can't even phantom that the tunnel ends in a bright, beautiful land rich in hope, love, and laughter. But to get there you have to go through the tunnel, and right now that black, endless-looking hole doesn't look anymore inviting than the dismal land you are in. So, someone comes along, someone who has journeyed through that tunnel, and they tell you, "this tunnel ends in the land of golden sun and bright rainbows, and many beautiful things". So you look at the tunnel and it is still dark and foreboden looking, and there's no way you're going to go through that. So you try to skip around it, or hop right over it in your hurry to reach the dream land. But every time you do that, you end up even farther away from the tunnel's entrance. And you have to work even harder, fighting yourself back through the dark and dismal land of dread to reach the tunnel's entrance again. If you would just walk through it, you will soon see that the tunnel is starting to take in light. And then the light gets brighter and is laced with golden rays of sunshine. And at last you see the end. But the only way to reach the end of the tunnel is to go through it. Yes, we can make the pain of our breakup far worse than it already is. But, although these are trying times, the grief can be lessened and the healing hastened if we follow these simple rules above. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: |