Relationship ArticlesEbook Excerpts - How to Get Over Breakup Breaking Up and a New Spiritual Awareness Go Hand in Hand The Silent Treatment - A Form of Abuse How to Fall out of Love Breakup Healing Mistakes Breakup Grief and the Stages of Healing What's With All This Anti-Rebound Relationship Bunk?! When Our Emotional Issues Affect Our True Availability "Everything I've Done - I've Done for You." The 'Other Side' of the Breakup Anger, Acceptance, and Forgiveness A Letter to God How To Get Over a Break Up Excerpts From the section on Grief: It is said that the second most intense life stress is loss of love. The first is death. But I question this? Both are final. Both, in most cases, result in the physical removal of someone special from your life. Both result in the loss of a way of life we have become familiar with. Both have resulted in hanging strings of things that were never said. However with death you have the peace of knowing you were in your lost loved one's heart. You were not abandoned purposely, cast aside, or rejected. With death you can take off work and get sympathy. You are given gifts of comfort and understanding. You can go through closing rituals and you can feel contentment that they are in a better place. But with breakups, separation, or divorce, even though you have the assurance that they are still alive somewhere on this Earth, their love was intentionally withdrawn from you! They opted to leave you. We no longer have their presence, nor their care. They no longer want us. Either way, death or breakup, you had little say or control over the situation. I've often wondered if I had been able to deal with my loss easier if my ex had been taken away from me at God's will while he still loved me, instead of his intentional, direct withdrawal of his love for me on his own volition. That's not to say I wish him dead, oh my! That's just to say I think my own personal grief would have been less self-destructive and more accepted and socially supported. I have been through both the death of a loved one, and the intentional physical and emotional withdrawal of a loved one, and I would have to say grief over breakup, separation, or divorce can be equally as devastating–if not more–than grief over the death of your loved one. In death you lose your loved one's physical presence in both your present time and your future. But in the loss through breakup we haven't just lost one's physical presence in our lives, but their love, also. We experience grief over the loss of their mental, emotional, and spiritual presence, too, along with our own sense of value and self-worth, our pride, our ego, our dreams, our hopes, our security, and our feelings of being loved. We feel rejected, not good enough, not lovable, unwanted, and cast aside. We feel taken for granted and unappreciated for all we have done. We have gone from being everything to being nothing in a moment flat! But what kind of people would we be if we didn't grieve? Doesn't our grief stem from our having been loving, devoted, caring, committed, trusting and involved? Would we really want to be the type of person that is so cold, callous, without emotion, and self-centered that we could easily just dismiss such a breakup and walk away unscathed?..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~ From the section on Fighting Urges to Contact Our Ex: Habits, and urges, and addictions, oh my! They go hand in hand–what is one without the other? What is usually the hardest for someone going through a breakup is fighting those relentless urges to contact the ex. "I just need some closure. I just need some answers 'why'. I just want to explain to them, plead with them, beg them, show them how I'm sorry. I just want to hear their voice, see their face, and have them see and hear mine. Maybe they'll realize how much they miss me...blah, blah, blah....yadda, yadda, yadda...." Ewww!!!! Those urges are just so annoying. But what drives us to follow through with them? To risk our pride, our dignity, our self-esteem, and self-respect and fall crumbling to our knees to plead with them? What are they, God or something? Geez! We are sorry-sacks aren't we *grins*. But we've all done it. We've all thought about planning 'accidental' meetings, dreamed of chance encounters and hoped for final conversations. We've all come up with emergency reasons to contact our ex–we've conjured up causes, and schemed, plotted, and coerced our friends to arrange it. So why do we do it and how can we cope with them? How do we fight urges that dominate our thinking and interfere with our daily routine? WHY DO I FEEL SUCH AN OVERWHELMING URGE TO CONTACT MY EX? Your ex, and the relationship, were very important to you. It's simply an unreasonable request to expect you to just walk away without the urge to regain that importance back in your life! You crave your ex and the relationship–not just because of love, or security, but because it was a habit and habits are addictions...and addictions are fed by cravings. Without the craving there would be no addiction. It's not the object of the addiction that drives us to have to have it, it's the unbearable, never-ending craving for it that motivates us to lose all for the object of our addiction. It's not the plain, simple alcohol itself that drives the alcoholic to drink...it's that relentless craving for it. Why should breaking the love habit be any different? Only this scenario is a little different. We crave them/the relationship, as much as an alcoholic craves alcohol...however, alcohol won't deny itself to the alcoholic, it won't reject the alcoholic's attempt to drink it, it's readily available to him...but the source of our cravings will deny itself to us, therefore making our craving just a little bit more complex. We have to think of ways to manipulate our objects of addiction. Craving itself is not going to satisfy the urge. So now we're like a junkie in the street that will do just about anything to get their cravings met. We lose pride, dignity, self-respect. We trick our minds into believing that we have catastrophes so we have an excuse to reach out to our objects of addictions..." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Breaking Up and a New Spiritual Awareness Go Hand in Hand by Tigress Luv, The Break Up Guru It's only natural that you would be vulnerable and filled with raw emotions when you've just had a breakup, and there are only a few things that can help you find solace and peace of mind. Two of those things is acceptance and trust. Accepting that it is over - and trusting that you will be okay - can help you find peace of mind. And the easiest way to find acceptance and trust, is to bring a Higher Power into your life. That's why so many people end up with a new spiritual awareness after breaking up from a long-term intimate relationship. This new awareness is the blessed result of that uneasy emptiness that fills their heart with such an aching need. Spiritual awareness can help you heal those wounds caused by a lost love and enable you to emerge stronger from this personal and emotional crisis. Spiritual healing begins by shifting your attention from the pain of your breakup to the sweet memories of the past and the joyous prospect of the future. This may be difficult in the beginning but in due time you will realize that no bitterness in a relationship's ending shall take away the precious and beautiful memories of the love filled days you two once shared. When you are thankful for the gift of time you two did have together, instead of full of grief over the loss of it, your soul automatically soars, your spirit lifts, and you'll feel better emotionally and spiritually. There are many trivial issues that may consume and obsess you in the beginning stages of a breakup. Your grief tends to make these trivial matters seem more crucial and important than they really are. However, when combined with a new spiritual awakening - and a small passage of time - our obsessive thoughts clear up. The cloud of grief is no more around, and we realize that the issues that we thought were so important were never really that significant after all. Spirituality helps you look into solutions rather than problems, it helps you see the big picture of your life rather than the small transformation from couple to single. Therefore, when facing a relationship breakup, a newly discovered spirituality can be the answer and your salvation to a brighter day. Handing your grief over to a higher power instills spiritual healing after a breakup and leaves a positive feeling in your heart, making space for the appropriate balance of your 'yin and yang' forces. Spiritual awareness moves you through new and higher levels of perspectives and consciousness. This not only makes you a better person, but also helps you find a new partner who can appreciate you as you are and who will want to be with you forever. This is why we often immerge from a breakup a better, happier person. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Seven Fun Methods For "Getting Over a Bitter Break Up"! Getting over a bitter break up? Try these seven steps below! Step 1: Face reality. Consider calling your ex on that promise that they made. You know the one - when they promised to "die for you". Okay, before you do anything really stupid, such as coating the underside of your ex's car door handles with your pet poodle, Fi-Fi's, droppings, (odds are Fi-Fi doesn't produce enough do-do to do-do a thorough enough job on the scumbag's car, anyway!) realize that you are in a very fragile and irrational state. This means that you will consume mass quantities of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, cry during McDonald's tv commercials, and seriously consider dying your hair orange and getting a tattoo of a fly smack-dab at the end of your nose. Please stop and realize that these insane feelings, too, shall pass. Who wants to be reminded of a bad breakup by having their nose batted by a fly swatter for the rest of their days? Be warned: Do NOT attempt to contact your ex! Yes, you'll be tempted to call your ex during a 2 a.m. shooters-induced-tizzy, or send an anonymous letter to their mother revealing all their naughty, little bedroom habits, but what will that accomplish? Understand that there is nothing you can do to bring your ex back, or diminish your pain - short of kidnapping them, that is. No. Kidnapping is not an option! Beyond this, face it - your ex is a SOB and the sooner you tell the world, the better. And last, but not least, thank the good Lord that there is a mandatory waiting period after purchasing a firearm. Step 2: Pamper yourself! Nothing like a hot bikini-wax to get those nerves to quiet down! :) hehe Please, don't make the mistake of exaggerating your role in the breakup. For instance, it really doesn't matter that you had an affair! After all, it WAS your ex's fault for being so lousy in bed, right? If they had just read that manual you bought them for their birthday...! And you know what manual I'm talking about, the one with the stick-people gameplay diagrams, complete with the O's and the X's - and the G-spots. Some things you can do to pamper yourself: Rent some good movies, such as 'The Burning Bed', 'One Night Stand', 'Play Misty For Me', and, my personal favorite, 'Fatal Attraction'. Make two lists. The first is a list of all your great points, such as your awesome body, Menza I.Q., and sharp-as-a-tack tongue. The second list is about your ex's bad points - i.e., the way they used a blow-dryer to dry themselves (the best I've ever heard [thank you, Stacey!]), the book they bought on how to tell time like a pro, and the various methods they used for removing excess gas from their bodies. Write a sad, sappy breakup poem, such as: "Who the hell does he think he is?" This poem works especially well if your ex happens to be named 'Gregory Smith'. (okay - so I'm not in a very creative mood!). Step 3: Don't keep it all inside! Emotions denied tend to fester, so make sure you release all that built-up frustration in a constructive manner. Such as: Beat your pillow. Your ex's $700 custom-made cue stick should work perfectly for this job. Break something. For instance, that 100-year-old bottle of wine your ex was saving for a special occasion. Binge. It's perfectly okay to consume twenty-dozen Twinkies in a twelve hour period. Just make sure you stick your finger down your throat every ninth or tenth one. Scream. Best done during fantastic orgasms with your new, red-hot lover. Step 4: Stay active. Take up parasailing, tennis, or scuba diving. Leave your ex to cough in your dust as you soar right past them: go back to school, become a successful lawyer, run for the presidential office, and bash your ex all through your campaign. Sure to make them wince every time they turn the tv on. Ask yourself, "what is my ex good at that he/she also enjoys doing and does quite often?" For instance, let's say your ex is good at golf and plays regularly. Take this info, learn to play golf like a pro, show up at every one of your ex's golf games, and win! Take up yoga, or a workout regimen at your local gym. A firm, hard body is great for your ego - especially when you flaunt it around your ex whenever the chance arises! Step 5: Write your ex a letter. Tell your ex what a nasty, vehement little devil-creature they are. Hold nothing back! If you faked orgasm for the entire 22-months you were together, let them know. If you never really did like their spoiled-rotten kids, now is the time to tell them. Skip nothing! Get it all off your chest! Feel better? Good. Now throw the letter away. On second thought, send it. And copies to your ex's boss. Their mother. Their new lover. Ha-ha. Just kidding. Step 6: Get even! How to get revenge: Run for Senate. Of course, this works better if you're married to the president. If running for senate isn't an option, you can still drive your ex nuts by pretending like the breakup never happened to begin with. For example, call your ex up at work and ask what they would like for dinner, or if they could pick up some milk on their way home. Act confused by their 'bewilderment'. Hehe. Or...send everyone in his/her family greeting cards on special occasions and sign both of your names. Show up at 6:30 a.m. on Sunday morning to give the car a tune-up, or water the garden. Call your ex up at 3 a.m. and ask him/her if they remembered to turn the gas off on the stove and lock the front door before they came to bed. Actually, the best revenge? APATHY! Learn it and live it! (exes HATE apathy) Step 7: Be Cool. If all else fails, you still have denial to fall back on. What breakup? ~by Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Why a Breakup Creates a False Sense of Neediness In All of Us When you break up from a romantic and intimately close relationship, the feelings of confusion, anger, anxiety, anguish, abandonment, loneliness and worthlessness cloud your mind. You feel an emotional vacuum or void that pulls you in deeper sorrow and as a result, a false sense of neediness arises. You want something that can smoothen the creases of the heart and makes you feel better. The low self-esteem in these difficult times comes out as an unexplained need. The best way to seek revenge from an ex, who cheated on you or dumped you, is to live well and grow over your sorrows. To accomplish this you need to be in good company - which is sometimes hard to come by! So, unless you have a really terrific support network, your empty sense of neediness weighs on you. You will feel consumed by such an intense yearning to belong 'somewhere' and a have deep desire to find another relationship - one that soothes you from the feelings of vulnerability and masks your inability to get on with your life. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Will Women EVER Be Happy With Their Men? How Women Chase Their Men Away A common problem between the sexes is the way each views their relationships. As a woman I have noticed that my female friends rag more than brag about their men, or men in general, and they do this in almost every conversation. Men don't do this! Why? Well, some would say it is because men don't discuss their personal lives, their feelings, their emotions, or their intimate relationships. But that's not true! So why is it that women rag about their men, and men talk about sports, tell jokes, and discuss things—anything—other than their relationships, or women in general? Because men don't focus inside, they focus outside. Men see the world around them—women feel the world within them. Women are very emotional creatures (don't you just love 'em?). Men see the world through reason and logic—they systemize, while women feel the world through emotions and feelings—they empathize. Women have always been credited with having an inordinate amount of intuition, or 'gut feelings', but it really is just a heightened awareness of their 'feeling' senses, being so emotionally in tune to everything around them. I remember years ago taking part in a witness accuracy test. The 'Witness Test' was an attempt to test the reliability of witness's testimony in the courtroom, or related to the law at the actual scene of the crime. The test consisted of a film and a questionnaire. The film was a short clip of a crime taking place. They showed the film to both men and women, then they passed out the 'Witness Questionnaire'. The questionnaire had various questions about the scene, such as what color shirt was the man wearing; how tall was the man; any tattoos; facial features, such as did he have facial hair, or a big nose; what was his body build; what state was the license on the car registered to; etc; as well as place for the person to write a brief report describing what he or she had witnessed. Invariably the men scored very high in given accurate details—but the women, ugh! They remembered feelings and emotions... "I felt frightened" "He was sweating" "The victim was crying" "It all happened so fast, but I think he looked very mean" "She was scared, I wanted to hold her and comfort her" "I felt sorry for her"... ....Women feel or sense the world around them and men watch or observe the world around them... ....That's why women's emotional needs are very, very high, and why men may 'notice' these needs, but they notice it purely on an 'observer' level, and not on an understanding or empathetic level. For the most part, though, men tend to deal with their unpleasant emotions by—not denial—but by looking beyond them, whereas women get caught up in the web of emotions. A good example of what I am getting at is in these quotes: "The rung of a ladder was never meant to rest upon, but only to support you long enough to enable you to reach for something higher" (by Thomas Henry Huxley). This quote is suitable for men. Not for women! Here would be a more defined quote for a woman: "Life is not advancement. It is growth. It does not move upward, but expands outward, in all directions." (by Russell G. Alexander). See, women aspire to go 'deeper' whereas men aspire to reach 'higher'. Success to a woman is to delve inward, explore, and then take this exploration outward and touch the world around her. Success to a man would be to see higher and not let anything inward or outward impede his upward climb. Women need to delve inward to see outward (translate to feel). Women sense their environment. Men need to look beyond and upward in order to envision their summit (translate tosee). Men envision their environment. A man's number one priority is to achieve status, which he needs independence in order to achieve. Whereas, opposing that, a woman's number one priority is to achieve involvement, which she needs connectivity in order to achieve. This creates an ongoing battle between the sexes. The problem arises when women obsess over the details of a man's actions and behavior. Women's ever-rationalizing minds are always trying to make things more significant than they really are. They are continuously looking for certain patterns, reasons, and explanations to everything man does, and they put an over abundance of importance to each word said, falsely believing that man's every action means something significant and profound. This is why they sometimes mistake something a man does as a 'sign' that something is amiss in his life, with his feelings for her, or in their relationship itself. A simple afternoon of him going off fishing to her may mean that he doesn't want to be around her, or that he is unhappy in the relationship—but to him, hey, he just went fishing. Whereas she is at home dwelling, and obsessing, and fearing over his 'motives' to go fishing, he is just out 'fishing'. By the time he gets back from fishing she is waiting for him, all emotional—possibly either sad or angry. She may even request that they have a 'talk' about their relationship 'problems', and this utterly confuses him. What problems? He didn't know they had problems! And then he starts complaining, as all men do, that women are too 'emotional', and she will start complaining, as all women do, that men are insensitive. See a man's relationship just 'exists' to him. It's just 'there'. He doesn't have to think about it, he doesn't need to dwell on it, and he definitely doesn't feel the need to 'analyze' it to death. But she does. Her relationship is her whole world and so she must make sure it is perfect. So she obsesses and dwells and analyzes and scrutinizes and examines and worries and so on and so on—to its death. She can't ever just 'let it be'. To a man a relationship is just something that he is in, not doing or having. To a woman her relationship takes on an entity of its own. It becomes a living, breathing appendage of her, much like an offspring would be, and she must watch it very carefully and tend to it constantly to keep her 'child' alive. A funny thing happens while she is obsessing over him and their relationship, and possibly—out of fear—reading simple things like his fishing one afternoon, as a sign that things are going wrong. She starts to feel like it's all falling apart! So she then begins to feel 'incomplete', unattractive, and insecure. Another funny thing happens, too, when a woman obsesses and dwells over her partner and her relationship: The more she dwells on it, the more 'power' she gives both to her partner and to her relationship. And then the more dependent she becomes on them. When something begins to have so much power (to her), she thinks of it as being far more important to her survival than it really is. This dependency—coupled with her feelings of incompleteness, unattractiveness, and insecurity—causes her to become needy and clingy, and constantly unhappy with the relationship... whereas she then starts striving to 'fix' him or their relationship. Which, ironically, can often times be the actual cause and true onset of relationship problems. Most men will not be too happy with a partner that lacks self-esteem and is too dependent; needy; suffocating; clingy; insecure; complaining; or emotionally volatile. These are men's biggest turn-offs! And what does she do if she does get a good man? Out of fear of losing him, she becomes hypervigilant to him. She starts finding faults and flaws in him and begins her 'fixing' program. She feels that more power will be added to her self-esteem and ego if she can 'fix' him. Thus, the huge attraction to the 'bad boy' image. So now we know that most women do obsess over their men, and their relationships, and that therefore they have a constant need to fix and improve their men. But what really is happening here is that basically, and unknowingly, she is giving out the signal to her man that she is 'unhappy' with him, and that who he is isn't good enough; or that he is wrong; bad; flawed; or faulty. So now we have a man who is with a women that is not only 'over emotional', but also needy, nagging, clingy, and telling him that who he is is wrong! And she let's him know that she is unhappy. Unfortunately, a man's primary relationship goal is to keep his women happy! Her unhappiness makes him feel even more like a failure—when he is around her! While many women are lacking in self-esteem it is mostly because women feel they need to be in a relationship with a perfect and doting man in order to be 'successful' in their lives. They need these two things to feel good about themselves and their 'achievements'. Unfortunately, nobody has ever told them that they really don't need a man to feel good about themselves, they just need to become more aware of—and in control of—their emotions. And that, my friends, is how some women chase their men away. Article by Tigress Luv - An Exclusive Writer for Breakup Magazine ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Break Up FAQ's WHY AM I SUCH AN EMOTIONAL WRECK? Rejection and unrequited love can create a very deep and personal wound. It undermines our sense of self worth and destroys our security. We may feel intense feelings of panic, anxiety, hopelessness, longing, isolation, self-blaming, anger, resentment, helplessness, unworthiness, and despair. I FEEL SICK TO MY STOMACH. IS IT NORMAL TO FEEL PHYSICALLY ILL? WHY MUST I GO THROUGH THIS PAIN? WHO CAN I TURN TO? Unfortunately, some people going through a painful break up will seek for temporary solutions to kill their pain. These can be very self-damaging and harmful methods such as drugs, alcohol, or even a one-night stand. Some will (I, for one) even go as far as getting emotionally addicted to their grief - using it as a sort of 'rebound relationship'. Depression is also very common. AM I MEANT TO BE ALONE? Take this time now to reflect back over your relationships and see if you aren't consistently attracted to those who may be emotionally unavailable (a challenge), or those who need fixing, have addictions, or other emotional problems and issues. The problem may not be that you are meant to be alone, but rather that you need to learn that you are worthy and whole with or without a partner, and then make the conscious decision to be more selective in your choice of future mates. Until you can get an understanding of yourself and what motivates you, you may be destined to be chronically heartbroken. IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME? You may feel like you are always on the outside looking in. Or feel trapped in a loneliness you did not consciously choose, forced to always feel like you are singled out for misery. Maybe you believe you're just plain incapable of being in a relationship. Maybe your deepest fear is that you will never find a mate that you can have a healthy relationship with. This just simply isn't so! You are just caught in a pattern of past hurts, a pattern you can't escape from until you identify its source and listen to yourself. Our online webBook,How to Get Over a Breakup, will shed much light on this subject, enabling to have more healthy future relationships, and recover from the grief of your current break up. CAN I GET ADDICTED TO MY GRIEF? IS THERE A 'QUICK-FIX' METHOD THAT WILL KILL THIS HORRIBLE PAIN? Holding grudges, anger, and resentments can keep you emotionally attached to the pain. You must find forgiveness in your heart for both yourself and those who have hurt you, either deliberately or unintentionally. HOW CAN I FIND FORGIVENESS FOR SOMEONE WHO HURT ME SO? Forgiveness is also about you. Forgive yourself your own role in your break up. You are human, you messed up - big deal! Haven't we all messed up? Painful lessons we learn in life are actually rewards we get paid in the end. IS IT GOOD TO CRY? If, however, you feel your pain is over-extended or out-of-control, you may excel your healing as well as gaining emotional benefits in seeking help from outside sources, such as therapy, counselling, friends, family, co-workers, or joining a support group. ~by Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man The Silent Treatment - A Form of Abuse (parts of this article have been gathered from message boards and forum comments) I believe the silent treatment (feigned apathy; cold-shoulder; silence; distance, and ignoring you) is the worst form of emotional abuse. It is a punishment used by abusers to make you feel unimportant, not valued, not cared about and completely absent from the abuser's thoughts. It is used as a form of non-physical punishment and control because the abuser mistakenly thinks that if they don't physically harm you then they are not abusers. The truth is, they are far worse at doling out abuse than the physical abuser. Silent treatment is a form of banishing someone from the abuser's existence without the benefit of closure or a good bye or a chance at reconciliation. In a word..it's meant to torture someone you profess to love. Should I meet someone again who uses this tactic just once he will not get another chance. Because the silent treatment is something that the abuser repeats over and over again. The silent treatment is CONTROL, and a safe means for them to avoid any 'uncomfortable' topics, issues in the relationship, or issues within himself (or herself). The silent treatment is a method the abuser uses to 'kill' you for something you have done. In a sense, you have been psychologically 'murdered' by them, but your physical life goes on. In my current relationship (over as of this last abusive episode) I have spent more days getting the 'silent treatment' than not. Yes - I believe it is the 'worst' of the emotional abuse tactics - and this is where I have been most harmed and damaged, and where I will need most of my healing from. At my age I definitely don't need this. Relationships aren't supposed to be about pain and hurt. Why in goodness name I have allowed myself to suffer through all his forms of power, control, and abuse for years will be a forever question mark in my mind. I used to love him, even when I was angry with him, or hurt by him. My love stopped during the last episode - or maybe the one before. I really can't remember when my heart shut off the love valve. Maybe it was a gradual thing. However, the love is gone, truly gone - and this current episode just made me commit to not going back into the relationship. Truth be told, if I were to walk in on him today and find he had died from a heart attack or something, I think I would just be relieved, and not experience any grief or sadness at all. I know that sounds inhuman and evil, but what abused partner hasn't wished for the abuser to just stop abusing, even if it's by death? As with most abusers, they are in denial over their own abuse. They may use the excuses: I needed to have some space I thought you needed some space I was feeling depressed and didn't want to drag you down with me I thought we both need a cooling off period I felt threatened/insulted/hurt and reacted with fear and isolation I just needed some time alone to think I didn't want to fight You told me to leave you alone Problems from my past came up and I needed to sort them out Of course these excuses are just one more way for the abusers to blame somebody or something else for his abuse. Some victims of the Silent Treatment have said: "He uses it to punish me on a regular basis" "I've had times where my husband used this tactic on me so bad, that I ended up wishing that he would just hit me and get it over with-why? Because at least then I would know I existed, and that I wasn't a ghost or invisible." "I've learned to love the silent treatment. For years, it devastated me and I felt that it was the worst of the abuse...but it's not...at least not for me....and yes, I felt that it was a punishment. It made me feel not important, subhuman...like I didn't even exist." "That's all it took & he wouldn't speak for days sometimes. Then he would start talking like nothing was ever wrong. Ignore your problems & keep up a front. I couldn't live like that anymore." "There was no rhyme or reason, it could happen at any time, go on for days and usually erupted into an outburst of rage. Trying to figure it out, was mind boggling and yes, punishment!" The reality is (in most cases) that the more someone ignores you the more you actually want to resolve the problem. It's almost an involuntary need on the part of the person being ignored. And that's the whole point to the ignorer. It puts them in control AND it gets them attention. However, that's in most cases - in my case the more he pulled the silent treatment, the more I saw him as a very emotionally-sick and an immature, abusive person and the LESS I wanted to resolve our problems. I would just pray for him to leave, or sometimes I would fantasize that I was in another healthy, loving relationship, and that he and I didn't even exist as a couple, or I would pack up some clothes and try to leave myself. Of course, part of his 'control' was in knowing the fact that I couldn't leave my children or my job...which I would have had to do to leave my home. This gave him all the authority and power over me as he so chose. But that authority and control truly isn't love - that controlling power and abuse is an insecure person's way of trying to not be abandoned - by abandoning you, and probably when you needed them the most. This way they feel that they had a psychological and emotional hold on you. That you can't abandon them. The problem is, are they too stupid to realize that being abandoned is exactly the result that they will eventually get? To be abandoned by their victim? Maybe not always physically abandoned, as abused people can take abuse for years and years. But they abandon their abusers mentally and emotionally, closing their hearts and souls to them, and killing any love at all they may have once felt for the abuser. Isn't that leaving? I should think so! Abuse is abuse. And abuse is never ok. In one way though, the silent treatment is far worse than other forms of abuse, because it indirectly says to you that you are not a person, you are an object, you are invisible because they choose to make you so because you are not worthy of their time. THAT is one of the most hurtful and abusive things to do in my book. It is a horrible feeling, being ignored and denied affection. For me personally the silent treatment was dished out when I did something he didn't like, when I was wrong, or when I showed him he was wrong. The link was as clear as flipping a switch and seeing the light go out. POW, KABOOM! I got punished and he wouldn't speak with me for days on end, including choosing to not even be in the same physical area with me. He would hide away or disappear for hours, and even sleep sitting upright in a desk chair every night for up to a week (or more) just to avoid being in the same room with me. He was almost childlike in his behavior. I finally said, "screw this". I couldn't live like that anymore. Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Personal Growth Personal Growth? Is it achievable? Yes! Yes! Yes! But unfortunately we, and we alone, often stand in our way of personal growth. We deny, avoid, blame, hide, and postpone our way to happiness. Stop denying! Quit denying that you have a problem. Don't hide your problem in alcohol or drugs, or fake a smile. Don't think that your mild depression is simply because the weather is gloomy, or your car needs tires. The funny thing about denial is when it sees itself, it denies it. By denying that you have a real problem - or issues that need to be corrected and dealt with - you are essentially being self-protective, taking a defensive action to avoid admitting that you are not perfect. It is in this stage that we often feel 'anger' towards another person. If we can successfully abolish our own shortcomings and blame it all on somebody else then we have denied having a problem, and we can deny that we are the ones that need fixing and that our issues are the ones that need solving. Sometimes we do admit we have a problem, but either place the blame for the problem on somebody else, "I wouldn't be so controlling if they weren't so distancing," or we pretend helplessness to fixing our problems and bettering ourselves. We tell ourselves things like, "I can't change my neediness because I am just not intelligent enough to be self-sufficient", "I tried to take better care of myself once but my lifestyle is just too hectic and I need to smoke/drink to relax", or "I really want to find happiness but how can I be happy when he/she refuses to change their ways?" We have mistakenly blamed others for our unhappiness, or taken a defeatist and helpless attitude towards improving or changing ourselves. We become self-righteous, pointing the blame at circumstances, outside influences, or helplessly being without options. When people are stuck in this self-righteous stage they are at the most unhappiest point in their life. As long as they are blaming circumstances, or others, for their unhappiness then their unhappiness will continue and they will never learn that it is up to them to change - not up to the world to change. Another problem is when we encounter both acceptance and responsibility, but postpone doing anything about it. "Yes, I know I am insecure, but until I lose weight I can't feel good about myself and I just am too busy now to start a diet. I'll wait until after the holidays." Although postponing some of our problems to be dealt with at a later date can stop us from becoming overwhelmed by the enormity of it all, it is not good to get stuck in the procrastination stage. We just keep postponing and postponing personal happiness. By breaking up our goals for personal growth and self-improvement into smaller steps they are more easily accomplished. Instead of saying I have to lose forty pounds, which can seem overwhelming, say to yourself. "My goal is to lose 5 pounds this month." Or, instead of saying I have to quit this nowhere job and get a better one, say to yourself, "I think I'll take a few night courses in business management. That should be fun and enlightening." Small changes, baby steps, and reachable goals are much more easily attained and administered than overwhelming, consuming jobs. When we catastrophize our problems they seem consuming and unapproachable. Resolving to let go of our issues is a huge step in improving our overall health and happiness. To let go of an issue means to stop denying and acknowledge that it does exist; to stop blaming others for it; to stop postponing facing it; to stop catastrophizing; and to accept it, justify it, and then let it go. "Yes, I do have insecurities but that is because as a child I was abandoned/rejected by my father/mother. Of course that would make one grow up to feel inferior! But right now I am going to let my insecurities go because I am a worthy human being. I give my parent's rejection back to him/her and totally accept myself. I forgive myself for my shortcomings and I forgive those who I believe have caused me pain. After all, we are just humans and human's make mistakes." ~Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Emotionally Abusive Relationships: Are You In One? Emotionally abusive relationships can be very damaging because there is no 'concrete' thing that can be seen - and so the cause often goes unnoticed. We often just have an 'uneasy' feeling until it is too late and the damage has been done. Emotionally abusive relationships may show as little as only three, but as much as all of the following questions: Is your mate irritated, upset, or angry with you often, sometimes several times a week or more? Are they upset with you even though you had no intention of upsetting them? Are you often times surprised by their anger or sudden outburst? Is their anger directed at 'you' or something they say 'you' did or didn't do? Does he blame 'you' for his outrage, anger, or upset? Does he deny to you his being angry or upset? Do you find yourself questioning everything you do as you do it, lest it angers him? Does he refuse to discuss any upsetting issues with you, or accuse you of trying to start an argument if you bring them up? Do you feel that the issues that arise are never resolved? Do you feel uneasy, unhappy, depressed, or edgy because of these unresolved issues? Does he frequently misunderstand your intentions? Do you end up feeling perplexed and frustrated at his misconstruing your every action? Do you find yourself dismissing the bigger issues of your relationship, such as children, financial investments, or retirement planning because your daily lack of communication is consuming your emotional energy. For instance, do you often worry about him misunderstanding something he thought you said, or what you thought he said? Are the simple little day-to-day issues consuming the big picture? Do you sometimes feel like there is something wrong with 'you'? Do you sometimes feel bad and can't figure out why? Is your mate secretive? Does he rarely, if ever, share his thoughts or plans with you, or discuss issues with you? Does your mate almost always disagree with you? If you say the sky is blue do they say it is grey? If you found a movie to be good do they claim it was bad? Are you always made to feel like you are wrong and he is right? Are you punished when you say "No", or are you made to feel you haven't the right to say “Stop this”? Do you feel obligated to 'give in' just to keep peace? Does your mate get angry or pretend ignorance if you approach him to discuss an issue? Do you bite your tongue and hold things in? Do you feel like your mate holds all the power in your relationship? Do you find yourself asking for 'permission' to do something or get something, as if you were a child? Do you often apologize for your behavior? Does your mate overpower you making you feel 'needy' and 'humble' to them? Have you gradually stopped talking to or seeing your family? Have you lost contact with your friends? Does your mate criticize your friends, or belittle your family members? Does he complain when you visit them to the point where you stop just to avoid the confrontation and argument? Does your mate's behavior often embarrass you? Does your 'bowing down to him' behavior embarrass you? Do you think that everything is your fault and that if you can somehow fix your flaws that everything would be okay in the relationship? Do you often give in to his sexual demands to keep the peace? Do you have sex, or consent to unreasonable sexual demands, even if you don't want to? Does he do drugs or drink alcohol? Does his personality change when he does these? Do you find yourself having an uneasy 'sinking feeling' when you hear or see him pop open a beer? Does he make fun of you or joke around about your flaws? Can he laugh at his own mistakes, or himself, or admit to his own shortcomings and weaknesses? Does he quickly and easily admit when he's wrong? Can he apologize for his own behaviors? Does he make excuses for his behavior and blame it on someone or something else? Does he point the finger at you and make you feel like you are the reason for his upsets or to fault for his mistakes? Does he make all the decisions in the relationship? Does he plan outings, finances, vacations, retirement, children's discipline, the car, etc? Does he control, curtail, or disapprove of your spending? Has he put you on an allowance, or strict budget, yet has complete freedom to spend as he wishes? Does he keep you financially needy of him? Would you feel frightened or uneasy if he caught you reading this questionnaire, or taking this test? If you have answered yes to just three of these questions, odds are you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. You probably find yourself often depressed and wondering why. You may just feel 'unhappy' but can't put your finger on the source of your unhappiness. Or you may find yourself thinking that you are clumsy, stupid, incompetent, wrong, or no-good. These are all subtle signs of being emotionally abused. ~Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man by Tigress Luv, The Break Up Guru For 'dumpees' the world over, the BIG question is: How in the heck am I supposed to fall out of love with my ex? The biggest mistake most people make when they breakup with their partner is to believe that they somehow have to instantly, magically "fall out of love" with their ex. That simply is just not so. Feel the love for your ex in your heart, allow the memories and good feelings to flow if you want...but just remember while allowing your heart to feel the love to also use your brain to receive feedback that it is over and will not work out. Feel free to feel the love but accept the fact that it is over, too. You can love him/her for the rest of eternity if you'd like. There is NO reason to think you have to 'fall out of love' with him/her...however you do need to go through the grief of loss, the withdrawal from that which has become an addiction if you'd like, and acknowledge and accept that the relationship is over. This is the key to getting past the grief to a point where our hearts are open and love can re-enter our lives. But...you can't just 'will' your heart to not love someone anymore than you can will your heart not to beat. It just isn't possible! What is possible, however, is to 'allow' yourself to fall out of love. If the relationship is over then stop fighting it, and learn to accept it - learn how to 'allow' your heart to stop loving your ex. To 'allow' your heart to stop loving your ex is hard - it means admitting to ourselves that the relationship is over, and that we will be okay - no matter what. To allow your heart to fall out of love means to open it back up and 'allow' others in. You can speed up this process by either getting rid of anything that reminds you of your ex, or by packing it away - out of sight. By clinging to the love you are not keeping the relationship alive - like your mind has convincingly deceived you into believing - all you are doing is keeping the grief alive. Get new interests, change something about yourself or your life that you were dissatisfied with, find new hobbies, join clubs or groups and make new friends. This is a time of rebirth for you - a second chance at life - so go for it with all the gusto that you possibly can! ~Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Is Your Breakup Making You Feel Kinda Funky? Break ups have a way of making us feel like we're losing our minds. We have anxiety attacks at the drop of a hat, panic attacks at the thought of one more tomorrow without them. We question our lives, our love, our sanity. And most of all we feel the Earth spinning around us in real time! ONE: Get rid of ALL caffeine in your life. Buy caffeine free cola, decaffeinated coffee, etc. You would be surprised to learn just how many anxiety/panic attacks can be linked to caffeine use. If you try it (just for two days even) you will be absolutely amazed at the noticeable change in your attitude, outlook, and 'nerves'. TWO: Rearrange, or redecorate, your bedroom. Get some new sheets, blankets, comforters, and curtains. Paint the walls, and maybe even change the carpet. Rearrange all the furniture and get rid of anything (pictures, etc) that remind you of your ex. Hang new pictures, get fresh flowers - whatever you want to make it your own personal sanctuary! Plan out (in your head) your next day's goal when you lay down at night - this helps get a more peaceful sleep and helps you to get to sleep faster. Then, when you wake up in the morning it should be the FIRST and FOREMOST thing that pops into your head. All in all, there is no magic day for getting over a breakup - we just want to believe it is. A magic day is when you wake up one morning and realize you haven't thought about your ex in THREE WHOLE DAYS ~Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man The Hereby Accused - Profile of an Abuser NOTE: The expressions, opinions, views, and impressions set forth in the following article simply represent my own estimate and attitude towards the subject of abuse. They are not known to be absolutely true, nor proven to be inaccurate either. As with anything in this world, the accuracy as to authenticity can only be logically placed solely on the credibility of implied experiences - and not on actuality of fact. Fact cannot possibly exist in psychological reasoning. "Most abusive men are likely to be extremely outgoing, charming, and likable. This is just a mask for his extreme insecurity. Abusive men have an obsessive need to control their mates, to keep them hostage, to own them. Abusers often blame the woman for causing him to be abusive, or accuses her of being unfaithful or inadequate." Profile of an Abuser: control at which anxiety, fear, and anger are at the root extreme fear of abandonment delusional thoughts of infidelity, extreme jealousy, overly jealous, possessive and insecure of wife's/girlfriend's fidelity exaggerated dependence on their partners, inability to tolerate being alone, distorted views of himself, of his partner, of relationships experienced either admitted or hidden childhood shame (shame brought on by being subjected to not being allowed to express his feelings without recourse [severe beating / punishment / ridicule], a lost sense of power or have their mastery stolen from them, or stripped of their dignity or control of their own fate) atypical childhood attachment to their mother childhood rejection, parental coldness/indifference, direct childhood abuses; parental REJECTION being the number one influence and indication as to adult abusiveness; shame as in attacks on their selfhood, humiliation, embarrassment, being shamed by one's father, punishing at random. Any kind of rejection or shame of them that may lead to the feelings of 'wrongness' for the child's whole self. Feelings of being punished for nothing, or being punished for who they are as opposed to what they did. Random, unprovoked 'sneak attack' punishments - is an attempt to punish a child for who they are - not what they have done! Public embarrassment such as in a restaurant, in front of friends, or in front of siblings who were not subjected to the same shaming techniques...leaving the child to feel wrong, unacceptable and unlovable to their main source of male identity - their father! A father figure who induces feelings of shame and wrongness in a child, usually can rest assured that their child will grow up to be controlling, insecure, and overly attached to their mates overly worried about being abandoned emotionally/verbally/physically abusive their wives are Madonna's one day, whores the next, believes that there are only two types of women - the 'good' girls and the 'bad' girls intense fear of abandonment projecting emotional, jealous outbursts of perceived infidelity the abuser tends to have life 'cycles', where he switches from the nice man, to the hard to please, fault-finding man, to the raging man, then down to the apologetic, scared, and needy man projects self-blame outwards Possible Causes: being made to feel shamed by one's father, feeling rejected by one's father. Emotionally distanced from one's father being physically and/or verbally abused by one's father feeling rejected by one's mother, or receiving mixed signals, such as a protective clinging mother one minute, and rejecting emotionally-detached mother the next a cold, absent, and intermittently abusive and/or shaming father who relays to the child the message that they are unworthy. i.e., "you're no good" "you'll never amount to anything" "you're a loser and will always be a loser" A father who doesn't give the impression, "I don't care for what you did - but I love you anyway" a false view of women and relationships Noticeable Traits of the Abuser: The abuser has the intense need for constant reaffirmation, feedback, praise, and flattery - in order to know who he is, and that who he is isokay. This results in a man who needs extreme shows of a woman's affection and proof of her love. He sees every action on her part as either proof of her love, or proof of lack of her love. His insecurities can twist even the most loving act of hers around to be a pure act of hatred and contempt for him on her part. Even though this man needs constant, positive feedback - he cannot ask for it, and he may even feel vulnerable and out of control, yet can't admit his weakness and need for her acceptance, for her love, for her. Since this need for her is so overwhelming, he feels threatened by the thought of losing her. He becomes hypervigilent to every little thing she does and he gets hurt easy. (When one cannot make the distinction between ordinary human mistakes and something directly misconstrued to wrongly judge the 'perceived wrongness' in themselves, in general, they overreact. He may get over emotional, and react with extreme hostility and anger.) When he reaches this insecure, needy stage he has the tendency to blame others for the negative events in his life. He uses anger as a 'mask' to hide shame and feelings of being 'wrong' and 'unacceptable'. Abusers are experts at projecting their imagined shortcomings onto their wives, or girlfriends. Due to an exaggerated need to protect himself, and his inflated sense of pride, his wife becomes directly responsible for the wrongness he feels in himself. He may accuse her of betraying him, of sexually hungering after others, of being embarrassing, incapable, wrong, no-good, bad, unacceptable, without class, brainless, helpless, faulty, etc. Thus, by externalizing his shame, i.e. transforming it into blame (directed at others) the abuser takes away his own hidden and unaddressed feelings of inadequacy and unwholeness, and conveniently places the blame onto others. If he were to not externalize the blame onto someone else, he would have to feel even more bad about himself, i.e., he is shameful - wrong - unacceptable as a person, and again he would feel that intense, lonely feeling of humiliation, embarrassment, and ridicule that he was made to feel as a child. He would feel all that extreme internal pain that he has so successfully learned how to mask and project onto others for years...he again would become that horrible person that has something terribly, dreadfully, wrong with them. Despite these feelings, as the psychologically abused child grows into a young adult he seeks a relationship with a woman that will somehow make him feel he is okay. But, as feeling okay is only to be found within him, this doesn't happen - and as more and more relationships fail - he begins to externalize his inner rage, mistakenly believing that all women are disloyal, untrustworthy, and controlling. However, when this same man does form an intimate relationship with a woman this closeness threatens to bare his sorry soul for all the world to see (or, at worst, her to see), he mistakenly feels that the intimacy threatens his 'shell', threatens to destroy his 'mask' and expose him for the imagined failure he is. He is scared that this closeness will invade him, penetrate him, leaving him ashamedly exposed to the discovery of his real self - the bad, shamed self he believes himself to really be - the one he successfully keeps hidden under his 'mask' to the outside world: non-intimate partners, casual acquaintances, co-workers, and strangers. Mothers of abusers play a huge role, too - although she is usually unaware of the confusing damage she may be causing her child. Most children who have lived in a house with an overpowering, controlling father figure had mothers who were trying to cope with both the father's fury and being abused themselves, whilst still being available and in tune to their childrens' needs. Thus, abused women may deal with personal issues on a 'cycle-like' level themselves. This results in a mother who is one day very attentive, somewhat over-protective, and extremely loving to their children - and emotionally cold and distant to them the next. This unpredictable alter in a mother's love gives off mixed signals to the child - a kind of 'come here/go away' type of message that confuses him.The emotionally distant, controlling, or manipulative mother, or 'here one minute/gone the next' mother - whether she was consciously aware of it or not - may instill feelings of frustration, fear of abandonment, and intense yearnings for love and acceptance in the child. After being continuously confused as to his mother's love and acceptance of him, mixed with the shaming of him by his father, the child eventually starts to combine his love and vulnerability to her/him with fear of rejection and anger at not getting his needs met. He now believes that - if one loves another he is vulnerable to rejection, abandonment, and shame. Consequently, the common felt (and perfectly normal ) emotion of love now becomes a misguided emotion of fear, and frustrated feelings with not being able to stop the rejection, resulted in intense anger aimed at the one they need/long for. His anger is a last minute attempt to control his parents in order for him to get what he needs. He has been set up. He is emotionally 'out of sync' and out of control, and reacts with anger to those he loves. This is how he can love while still protecting himself from being hurt, abandoned, betrayed, or rejected. This is how he thinks he gets love, too. His anger is merely a safe mask hiding his vulnerability. In other words, his anger is masked fear. Fear of being abandoned, rejected, and shamed. Additionally, if the young boy has been made to feel shamed by his father he naturally may become 'more' dependent on his mother (female figure) for acceptance, nurturing, caretaking, and survival - adding to an even greater loss of his sense of self. His fear of her rejection escalates and he soon feels the intense need to separate from her, but - at the same time - he fears the separation. So he separates his mother into two woman. There is the good mother who is loving and nurturing, and this woman is safe to love and safe to be around. Then there is the bad mother - the one who is cold, rejecting, abandoning, and distant. This is the woman that creates fear in him, the mother that makes him angry at her in order to avoid his fear of being abandoned by her. So, now the child has learned at a very early age to separate the female figure in his life into two woman. The Good Woman, and the Bad Woman. (And in doing so, he must separate himself in two, too.) This impression carries forth and remains the same throughout much of his adulthood. He realizes how important his wife or girlfriend is to him, and he feels an inner struggle for separation to avoid the pain of rejection or abandonment. By separating his wife/girlfriend into two categories he can control his feelings of being vulnerable and in need of her, by stopping those feelings once they appear and by blaming her for it. She is no longer the Good Woman, she has now become the Bad Woman. He has, essentially, successfully made his wife into two separate women. The Good wife is loving and grateful and appreciative and accepting and nurturing and faithful...but the Bad wife - ew! She is uncaring, withholding, unloving, unaccepting, unfaithful, unattractive, brainless, helpless, worthless, a lousy housewife who additionally is lacking in manners and class, and - to top this all off - she can't cook and is a whore and a liar! (Phew, the poor woman might as well crawl in a hole and die for loving him!) This belief also makes him separate himself - Jekyll/Hyde, as most abused women describe their abusers.Whereas the Good side of him (the side that's not afraid to admit his need for his wife) clings to and loves the Good Wife - the Bad side, however, does two things. One, he attempts to control her, thus ensuring himself his power over her so she can't leave him. When this doesn't work, or even when it does, he continues on. Two, when his Bad side realizes the control/power his woman has over him instead of the power he has over her, simply by his need for her, he fights these submissive behaviors by directing the fear of losing her into anger at her...she now becomes the Bad Wife and he doesn't care if he loses her, or not. In fact, he has himself become so thoroughly convinced of this that he may just say to himself, "GET RID OF HER - SHE'S JUST A WHORE AND YOU DON'T NEED A WHORE!!!" Note: At this stage, he has absolutely convinced himself of her unfaithfulness - or her attempt at unfaithfulness. This is his exaggerated fear of her abandoning him surfacing. I remember my bf saying that he feared the power women had... that men fear women because they need them. I thought that odd at the time, but now in retrospect I fully understand his fear. He was scared to death of loving and being abandoned, because he identified who he was by who he was with. He 'found himself' only through the "love" and "acceptance" of his significant others! (Such the reason why the abuser may be in intense fear of being abandoned or left alone.) The abuser experiences many uncomfortable feelings in the course of his days. Anguish, depression, anxiety, and sense of having a disconnected, or out-of-body experience, are common feelings for the abuser. These feelings - combined with an intense fear of abandonment - are the driving force behind the abuse. Unfortunately, these feeling can easily be masked by the use of drugs and alcohol, as a way to escape these unwanted emotions. However, by 'lowering' the emotional tolerance in the user, drugs and alcohol soon play a role in an abusers 'release' of his built up rage (unacknowledged fears). In his Hyde personality, his Bad side, he starts seeing his woman as the Bad Wife/GF. She can't clean, cook, she's a whore, a bitch - etc. Remember, the abuser is either overly needy and appreciative of his wife's love and specialness (the Good Wife), or frustrated and intimidated by his perceived conception of her unfaithfulness and desire to abandon him, reject him (the Bad Wife). The Good Wife he can become extremely needy of, attached to, or dependent on. This threatens his emotional security because if she were to leave him he would be abandoned - he thus would lose his sense of 'self'. This explains the somewhat panicky feeling abusers get at the thought of being left or abandoned by their wives - they fear being abandoned by their woman almost as much as they fear being 'attached' and in need of their woman. The loss of attachment and any perceived threat to this attachment creates extreme emotions to the abuser in the form of exaggerated terror, grief, and, yes, RAGE! Thus, the abuser has two distinct impressions of women - with no other possibilities. There are 'Good' girls, and there are 'Bad' girls. Period. His wife is one day a Madonna, or the next day a whore. And, the whore image is more likely if the abuser's father set the example by controlling or belittling their mother, by cheating on her, or by insinuating that all women are whores, tramps, sluts, etc . These views of women are reinforced in the abuser by society, movies, music, and their school years and peer influence. To a confused teenager he may feel embarrassment associated with dating someone who has had sex previously - although he, himself, may have slept around too...this just reinforces the notion that there are only two types of women. The Good Girls, and the Bad Girls. So, when the abuser falls in love with a Good Girl, and yet has the desire for sex with her he makes her the Bad Girl, to protect himself... he rationalizes his beliefs, projects his yearnings outward onto her, then sleeps with her - she's the whore, not him! Stages and Cycles of Abuse: Stage One: The abuser becomes overly attached to his wife or girlfriend. This is because he only feels 'whole' within an intimate relationship, because he has no sense of 'self'. When he feels this extreme attachment he begins to fear his need for her. So, to not feel the fear of being abandoned and to try and regain any kind of sense of self, he starts on his personal vendetta to make her the Bad Girl (in his mind). I have heard this likened to 'playing the bitch tape'. This is when his thoughts and reasoning start to convince himself that she is 'bad' - she is a whore, not to be trusted, she doesn't care about him, the kids, or the house, she doesn't take care of him, etc. Stage Two: After awhile he breaks out in a rage: insulting her, verbally attacking her, throwing things, or threatening her, hitting her, etc - this is the rage release, where he releases his need of her, his fear of abandonment, his feelings of unworthiness, shame, and of being shameful and no good. He has vented his rage. He now feels strangely calm and at peace. There are four influences to his rage. One: he needs to vent his inner raging turmoil in order to feel good once again. Two: he fears losing his wife more than anything in the world and this fear makes him intensely angry. The more he fears it the more angry he gets - he fears his own vulnerability to her, and his helpless need of her. Anger is just masked fear. Anger is just frustration at not being able to control a certain outcome - anger is, in itself, the fear of being out of control. Three: the more he feels needy of his wife, the more he depends on her, and the more likely he feels the need to end this dependence on her. His anger can actually push her away from him, and him away from her. This separation abolishes him from having to worry about her leaving anymore. It doesn't matter to him anymore. Four: he has been consistently proven and repeatedly shown from his childhood experiences that an overpowing, authoritative, controlling abusive attitude gets you what you want. His father proved to him at a very early impressionable age that anger and rage puts one in 'control'. Stage Three: Once he vents and rages, he 'lands' back on Earth. He now realizes how very important she really is to him. Then he realizes he has done wrong and may 'lose her'. So, now comes the apologetic stage where he is docile, servile, ashamed, and sorry. Now his wife again enters the Madonna phase - theGood wife phase, he is on his knees to her. Stage Four: His loving wife returns, feeling safe for a while. She forgives him. Things are, again, wonderful. The relationship is great. Everything is running smoothly. Life has never been better. But...THEY ARE LIVING IN A HOUSE OF CARDS! and so begins... Stage One: He gets just so close to her and then he starts the 'fear' of needing her too much, the fear of being abandoned by her. The fear of being exposed as the shameful person he believes he is by the intimacy of being 'known' by her. He feels vulnerable to this 'power' she holds over him. So, he starts again with the 'projecting' his perceived 'badness' onto her. He doesn't want to feel vulnerable to her love. He starts to place his own faults onto her - this way he takes the blame away from himself and avoids taking direct responsibility for his pain, upset, imposed feelings of being threatened, or helpless - and he starts on his personal vendetta to make her the Bad Girl (he runs the 'bitch tape'). He may deny his own sexual longings and desires - and projects these sexual needs and impulses onto his wife - making her out to be a wanton whore. When the abuser can't acknowledge that anything is his fault he redirects the blame to his wife. She can now do nothing right - she is the Bad Wife. And he again builds up in anger and contempt at this woman - until ...he reaches again the 'rage' stage where he releases, where he vents. And the tension is gone, and then...back to Stage Two. And so forth, and so on...Over and over and over, again. ~Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Break Up Healing Mistakes Breakups can make life miserable. Unfortunately, many of us resort to ineffective or self-defeating attempts to hasten our healing, or try to reverse the process. We only end up making matters worse. Some self-destructive things we may resort to are: Denial: Denying the breakup, or ignoring your hurt, pain, confusion, and feelings of rejection only compounds it. Like cancer, it slowly eats away at you, silently, painlessly, and unnoticed . Acknowledge your pain. Accept that the relationship is over. Attack their pride or good-character: Often times, to lessen our own painful feelings of rejection and failure, we finger-point. Placing blame on the other person. We need to learn to attack the 'issue', instead of the person. Name-calling, fault finding, or finger-pointing only builds the wall, hides the issue, and prevents us from bettering ourselves for future relationships, and salvaging our current ones. Manipulation: There are many forms of manipulation, from openly dating others to feelings of hopelessness and abandonment. Sometimes we are very much aware of our manipulative ways. Such as sending cards, flowers, or others gestures of relaying our love (need). But, more often than not, we are unaware. We may cry, beg, threaten, insult, belittle, or even blackmail our ex - all with hopes of manipulating them into helping us get what 'we' want. Our main goal is satisfying our own personal interests - we ignorantly think, 'to hell with what is good or right for them'. We only see things our way. Calling in the forces: We try to recruit friends, acquaintances, co-workers, and both our ex's and our own families as allies on our quest to 'make it stop' or 'make it all go away'. Whether our motives are to belittle and insult our ex, find out 'if they are seeing anybody', or looking for a translator to get our message of misery or woe to the ex. Eventually, all we really end up doing is losing our own self-respect and dignity. Over-analyzing: Are you dwelling on your breakup, your relationships, and the if's, and's and but's? Do you keep reliving the last moments over and over again? The problem is you are doing all this through one state of mind - that of a wounded child who did something wrong and wants to make it right. The problem is, just as with children, you aren't seeing clearly. You aren't really hearing what is being said to you. Close your prejudiced thoughts up. Empty you heart out. And open your ears. Neglect to give ourself, and our ex, time: You may instantly try to salvage the relationship, undo a breakup, change your ex's mind, or alter a certain course of events. Your thoughts are so clouded and unreliable right after a breakup. Give yourself time to 'come down' from the emotional roller-coaster so that you can think, act, and even react with a more relaxed state of mind. This always gives your ex time to unwind from the pain and think more clearly, too. If they were the one to opt for the breakup, odds are they are set on leaving it and the quicker you engage them with the ideal of getting back together the more adamant they will be to leave. Allowing time to pass gives them the needed space to think more rationally and get out of that 'wanting out' state. The webBook, This Side of Good-bye, available in our library here, explains more about what kind of mode people are in when they choose to leave a relationship. Rebound: "Oh, just forget it. I'm moving on and putting this man/woman behind me!" These thoughts can be very damaging. Dating again heals your heart about the same as placing a mere band-aid on a broken arm would heal the arm. The damage will remain! Before you move on you should learn to fully understand what issues were yours, where you could use 'fixing-up', and learning to be comfortable with being by yourself - a must for any future successful relationship. Without these you will see history repeat itself over and over again. You will know that the healing is complete and you are ready to date again when you can find happiness - alone and with yourself! And when you can find that then any relationship you have after that has got to be great because you eliminate these relationship busters: ANXIETY - you are FREE from that panicky 'need' to have someone DEPRESSION - you know to create your own happiness ABANDONMENT FEAR - there is no 'fear' of being left, because even that would be okay with you CODEPENDENCY - you've healed to the point where you do not 'unhealthily' ATTACH to someone HURT FEELINGS - you learn to listen without 'defending' (yourself) and speak without 'offending' (the other person). You also learn to hear the 'fear' behind their words - and yours DISCONTENTMENT - you learn to appreciate them for who they are. You don't try to change or alter them. And you allow them to be themselves NERVOUS INSECURITY - only 'you' are the 'be-all' to your life RESENTMENT - you love unselfishly PERFORMANCE ANXIETY - sex is no longer a 'tool' ANXIETY - when you are a peace with yourself, your relationship is one of serenity and security - not anxiety, worry, hurt, and pain Alcohol, drugs, food, one-night stands: Oh, my! Argh! The pain is gone temporary, and maybe that sounds really good right now - to stop the pain...but, boy does it come back ten-fold. Additionally, we are even more depressed as a result of the chemicals we have put in our body, our loss of self-respect, fear that we may have harmed ourselves, and the realization that we are right back where we started from! In fact, we are two steps back! The best solution is to not try to end the pain, but to just go through it. Think of it as a dark tunnel you have stumbled across while journeying through a dark and dismal land. You start out in a really bad place. In fact, it is such a bad, evil, horrible place that you can't even phantom that the tunnel ends in a bright, beautiful land rich in hope, love, and laughter. But to get there you have to go through the tunnel, and right now that black, endless-looking hole doesn't look anymore inviting than the dismal land you are in. So, someone comes along, someone who has journeyed through that tunnel, and they tell you, "this tunnel ends in the land of golden sun and bright rainbows, and many beautiful things". So you look at the tunnel and it is still dark and foreboden looking, and there's no way you're going to go through that. So you try to skip around it, or hop right over it in your hurry to reach the dream land. But every time you do that, you end up even farther away from the tunnel's entrance. And you have to work even harder, fighting yourself back through the dark and dismal land of dread to reach the tunnel's entrance again. If you would just walk through it, you will soon see that the tunnel is starting to take in light. And then the light gets brighter and is laced with golden rays of sunshine. And at last you see the end. But the only way to reach the end of the tunnel is to go through it. Yes, we can make the pain of our breakup far worse than it already is. But, although these are trying times, the grief can be lessened and the healing hastened if we follow these simple rules above. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Is there Life after being Betrayed by a Sex Addict by Tigress Luv You just found out that your partner has a sexual addiction that has kept him/her having a secret life, one that often involves one-night stands, prostitutes, and 'sex-buddies'. What should you do? Number One! Go get medically tested for STD's and then kick his/her arse to the curb! You do not need to be together at this time, as space apart is needed to work through your thoughts, emotions, and feelings. There are too many con's and not enough pro's to this situation. But I am not completely against you two trying to work this out. First, though, you have to HONESTLY ask yourself these questions... * can you ever, ever REALLY trust them again? Or will you find yourself walking on eggshells, going through his wallet or her purse, following them when they leave, checking in on him/her at work, listening in on their phone conversations, and basically never being able to relax? What a HORRIBLE way to live your life! * can you ever really feel fully committed to him/her sexually? Or will you always want to fight enjoying the sex, because you feel they have belittled what intimacy you once had. Will your body respond to him/her, or will you be fighting visions of him/her betraying you repeatedly? *do you believe that they can overcome their addiction? Or do you secretly fear that it will simmer and stew and then reappear some years and three kids down the road? *can your love conquer this? Basically, love can conquer most things - but not ALL things - and, even so, at what cost to you? Is it worth the cost? This is what you have to ask yourself...is the pain of rebuilding a life with a sex addict worth it, or will the pain be too much to bare? Seek a good support group and try to educate yourself on the subject of sexual addictions. Urge your partner to seek help for their addiction. If they refuse, you should understand that their addiction will keep resurfacing in your relationship. Most importantly realize that the truth is within you - only you know how you feel. Only you know whether you can work this situation out, or whether you cannot possibly accept this situation in your relationship. Everyone is different, and every addiction is different. Tiggy "love grows where trust is laid, and love dies where trust is betrayed" ~Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man I've Found the Good in a Bad Break Up by Tigress Luv -I've found that the one who was the dumpee is always the one who improves themselves and moves on to a better life. ~Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man A Man and His Breakup: When a Man Treats a Woman Well - and He STILL Gets Dumped! Is your breakup making you fell insane? Do you panic if you have to go out in public? Does the thought of visiting family and friends make you want to hurl? Don't worry - a man's ego can take a huge nose-dive after a woman has broken up with him. It is so natural to suffer an extreme loss of self-esteem after a breakup. After all, a breakup is based on a rejection from someone you admired and respected - and when someone you think is grand 'rejects' you, and you value their opinions - then, basically, you end up rejecting yourself, too. Don't worry, your esteem and self-confidence WILL return. As for breakups and social anxiety, it sometimes goes hand-in-hand with rejection, and I can understand that. When you reject yourself you may feel anxiety at the thought of being in public situations where you are exposed to the rejection of others. You feel open, vulnerable, and - like I said - EXPOSED. TRANSLATION: SOCIAL ANXIETY. Don't worry! This, too, shall pass. (Hint: when you feel this way just rub and massage your palms or the inside of your wrists - warm them up...it is almost impossible to feel anxiety while you have warm palms - try it right now. See?) If it gets to the point where you only feel safe cocooning in your own home with doors shut tight and drapes pulled - then I would say it's something to worry about. But a small amount of social anxiety after a breakup is normal. And, to make you feel better about it, realize this: EVERY person out there feels some kind of inner fear of being exposed and found out for all the horrors that they imagine themselves to have. That's one of things that separate us from animals - our ability to think, rationalize, and use logic. However, in the case of social anxiety we often rationalize and use our logic in an inappropriate way. Oh, argh, huh? Many men find that they treated their women great and still got the shaft. Is it possible to be TOO attentive to a woman? If you say 'yes' I think you have hit the nail right on the head. You could have been TOO available to her. If she didn't have to work for your love and attention then there is a good chance that boredom in the relationship (and with you) had probably consumed her. There were no thrills, no excitement, no adrenaline rush - something she feels she should have felt in a passionate relationship. Women are definitely stirred by the excitement of a man who makes her work for his attention. Yes, maybe in retrospect you now see how you should have been somewhat less available...somewhat less compliant or less of a rescuer...somewhat more elusive or evasive. Something that made her work for you, and that took her mind off of herself and made her dwell on you. Think about this probability for a minute - the people whom you have dated in the past that were really into themselves are probably the ones you thought about all of the time - and became the most attached to, but the women that were totally into you and appeared to have no life of their own were probably the ones you didn't think about too often, or feel that attached to or in need of. ~Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Stages of Healing Grief is a very personal thing. You can not explain it. Grief is an emotion, and like the essence of a rose, emotions are indescribable in words. Every grief is different. The way you grieve may be entirely different than the way I grieve, yet both of us will probably share many of the same grief symptoms: Sorrow, anger, loneliness, sadness, shame, anxiety, guilt pain, loss, blame, emptiness, and depression. Ways you can reach stage five more easily. ~Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Can a Relationship Survive Infidelity? I believe so. Of course, it's not easy. When someone you love and trusted has been unfaithful to you the pain is unbearable. As are all the emotions that run with it: anger, heartbreak, depression, anxiety, doubts, fear, insecurities, and a crushed ego. Add to this those torturing feelings of a loss of faith and trust in your partner and one can feel physically sick. Playing those 'love-scenes' in your head of your mate and their lover together don't help much, either. Oh, argh! Getting over these emotions, healing, learning to trust again, finding forgiveness and understanding, and rebuilding your relationship - all take time. It takes the conscious decision to save your relationship. It takes the courage to let go and learn to trust again. It takes the stamina of determination, and the strength of the commitment you have to your relationship. It also takes two. Yes, I believe a relationship can survive an affair. But both partners have to be willing to work at repairing the damage done to the relationship and to rebuilding a relationship based on commitment, forgiveness, and trust. And, yes, this is especially hard for the one who has been cheated on. However, both parties may experience the same painful feelings: shame, guilt, blame, anger, disappointment, rage, embarrassment, resentment, denial, and mistrust. I hope that within these pages you find hope, understanding, and the strength to do what you feel is best in your life - whether it be staying and working through it, or leaving and moving on. Ultimately the choice is yours. Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man How to Become a 'Non-Person' The thing you must know about your life is that you have choices. You have options. You have rights. You are not a belonging, you are not ruled by emotions, you are ruled by common sense. However, after enduring abuse we tend to disregard our common sense and logical thoughts - and let our emotions rule our life. This is the trap that keeps you hooked. Yet, there is hope. There is promise to a better life and a freedom above and beyond emotional and psychological imprisonment. If you are the victim of abuse - any kind of abuse - you should face the facts that you can't see while caught in the 'trap' of abuse....you are not responsible. The abuser may take out his rage on you, but do not make the common mistake of taking 'ownership' over their rage. It is not yours, it is theirs. Give it back to them and stop playing God! And remember, what is upsetting to the abuser goes deeper and beyond what you see. No, it isn't about how you cooked dinner, or that you forget to pick up the dry cleaning, or that the man in the corner of the restaurant 'looked' at you. You are just the doorway he needs to vent. By placing blame at your feet he is doing one of two things. One: he is attempting to control you. Two: he is attempting to turn his own shame outward by directing it onto others (you). This abolishes him from the inner turmoil and self-doubts that rage through his veins. Well, you ask, 'what about therapy?' What about it?! Therapy doesn't work in most cases. In fact, therapy is usually sought by the abuser simply as another means to 'control' you. They have absolutely no intention of seeking help, because they have absolutely no intention of doing anything - but keeping you. The sad truth is, abusers very rarely, if ever, stop their abusive ways. They swear they will, they promise anything. But usually all this means is the next time the abuse will be worse - because the next time they know that you may just leave them this time, after this 'last' and 'final' break of their promise. Fact - get out. Fiction - things can change if you just love them harder and try to get to the root of the problem. Fact - you can not get them help. You can only get you help. But how many times have you heard this? You are like the teenager who has grown up with the repeated advice that drugs are bad - yet continue to try them out anyway. Why? Could facts, experience, proof, and life's little instruction book only apply to other people? Are you special? Different? Is your abuser special and different from other abusers? Don't kid yourself! Drugs kill. Abusers kill. Those are the cold-hard facts and - yes - they do apply to you. It is up to you to take the action required to remove yourself, and your children if applicable, from any abusive situation. That is the only way possible to help the abuser. As long as you are there the atmosphere is unhealthy, the abuse escalates, the abuser becomes more aware of having a 'problem', the abuser denies responsibility for 'the problem', the abuser redirects the problem onto you. The abuser has no need to change. Do not believe the abuser when he claims the abuse is your fault. Never! And let's just say - for the sake of saying - that it is your fault. That you are a loser, a bad housewife, ignorant, stupid, forgetful, worthless, inconsiderate - whatever - does that justify abuse? NO! If my 11-year-old cousin was mentally handicapped would I be justified in abusing him? NO! My dog is not very intelligent and he chewed my slipper. Can I beat the dog? NO! Abuse is never justified. Never called for. Never excused. Never reasoned away. Abuse is abuse. Part of our rights as a human is to demand respect and to give respect in return. Physically, emotionally, verbally, or mentally abusive behavior demonstrates the highest level of disrespect. This is the man who loves you sooo much, but is just 'confused'? Quit kidding yourself. That's not love. That is an ill, sick person who clings to you with desperation one minute, and pulls you by the hair out onto the front lawn the next. Wake up! Why on Earth would someone opt to stay in a disrespectful, fearful relationship? Yes, I'm sure you do love him - at least the 'good side' of him. But what else is there to your love? Does he not make you feel embarrassed by his control and power over you - by his direct disrespect for you? Even if it was 'love' you felt for him - and not the flattery of 'his needing you' - the funny thing that you don't realize is that you can love someone and not be with them. It is sooooo possible. Of course leaving is a very difficult thing to do. The only time we really consider it is in the very throes of the abuse - the moment when we would leave barefoot and naked in the middle of a blizzard if need be. But then things calm down for a moment in time. The promises and remorse starts. The logic starts running through your head. Then the excuses - the fear, "Why leave? He'll just hunt me down and kill me." Doubtful. He may threaten, because threats have proven to be so successful in controlling you in the past. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Call the police. You can relocate, you can get protection, you can 'call him' on his suicide threat. Take my word for it, he won't start systematically 'knocking off members of your family' until you return to him. Gee! "I can't leave him. I'm the only one that understands him. I feel so sorry for him. He really doesn't want to be this way." You feel sorry for him? You mean like you feel sorry for those little, innocent children dying in the hospital? Like you feel for the parents who are watching them die? THAT'S something to feel sorry about. Not an adult man who opts to revisit his pain over and over again, heaping it all on you, instead of being brave enough to face it head-on and take direct responsibility for it. Not someone who can charmingly smile and say good-bye to houseguests, then turn around and punch you the minute they pull out of the driveway. Part of this man's hook is his 'childlike hurt'. "Life is so good when he isn't abusing, I couldn't ask for a better man." Couldn't you? Yes, the hardest thing you may ever have to do is to find the courage to leave. You can leave, and you can make it on your own. Your situation isn't any different than many others - you may think it is special, but it's not. Just look at mine - no car, no driver's license, no money, no help from anyone, four kids, systemic lupus, emphysema, and MS. If someone in my situation can do it - then most assuredly, you can, too. And stop thinking that if you somehow 'change' the abuse will stop. You mean that if you can go through the rest of your 'one-and-only' life without ever burning a meal again, that everything will be honky-dory? You don't really believe that, do you? You don't need to change - he does. You can have the very best man and have the most wonderful marriage - without the high cost. Believe me! Whether emotional, verbal, mental, physical, or a combination of all - abuse wears you down. You go from a happy, care-free woman (remember those days before him) to days of consuming feelings of resentment, anger, depression and growing insecurity. When you look into the mirror you see a shell of a person, with no life left in their eyes. Go right now and look in the mirror - you'll be surprised to see the 'life' is no longer there. You are empty. Hollow. This relationship is not making you a 'whole' person, it is making you a 'non-person'. SHOCKING FACTS: Over 1,300 women are killed each year by their husbands, ex-husbands, or boyfriends An estimated three to four million women each year silently endure abuse or travel to hospital emergency rooms following an assault by their husbands or partners In Canada, 1 woman is killed every 3 days by a man known to her Nationwide, every 15 seconds a women is beaten, every three minutes a woman is raped, every six hours a women is killed Last year, in Arizona alone, there were 21,931 crisis-shelter calls of domestic violence. A staggering fourteen percent of all homicides were domestic violence related. (Source: Arizona Republic, December 6, 2000). A woman had a better chance to become a victim by her Knight in Shining Armor, than a single woman out alone at night Domestic violence is the #1 cause of emergency-room visits by women nationwide Eighty-eight percent of women in prison are victims of domestic violence More than 3 million children witness acts of domestic violence nationwide every year Children of abused mothers are six times as likely to attempt suicide and 50 percent more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man What's With All This Anti-Rebound Relationship Bunk?! Here are five GREAT things about rebound relationships (and why you ought to get in one!) Rebounds are a great way to repair a damaged ego and to regain the loss of self-esteem that often results from the rejection of someone we loved. A shattered ego is an all too familiar after-effect left behind from a breakup, and finding someone who thinks you are the cat's meow can make a huge difference in mending your broken spirit. 2) Rebound relationships have a way of allowing you to see just how 'non-important' your ex really was. What happens is that when someone breaks up with us we tend to subconsciously give them more 'heart-power'. After all, anyone who can so turn your entire world upside down and inside out must have an upper or supreme power over us, right? Wrong! Ironically, we tend to build our exes up, instead of tear them down, when they reject us. But a rebound relationship with a GREAT new person can show you exactly what a putz your ex really was. A new hottie is exactly what you need to be able to see your ex for the real person - flaws and all - that they really are, and not the god or goddess that your broken, rejected heart has made them out to be. 3) Rebound relationships get us 'out of our cocoon'. Of course, there is nothing more depressing than moping around your home, box of tissue in one hand, quart of ice cream in the other, grieving about our loss and tenderly patting our heart on its broken little back, hoping to never see daylight again. We keep the curtains tightly drawn, the lights turned off, and cry over sad, sad movies. Well, hey YOU... it's time to get your arse outta there and start living again. (You can bet your sweet buns your ex is!) Rebound relationships come in real handy for this purpose. Let somebody who thinks you are really someone worth dating take you out on the town and away from your self-pitying, sob-fest. 4) Rebound relationships quite frequently turn into the greatest romance you'll ever have. Rebounds can and do often times bloom into great and long-lasting romances. Mine is going on six-years now! Woo Hoo! 5) Rebound relationships can often help you reunite with your ex. Even though they dumped you doesn't necessarily mean that they don't want you and that somebody else can have you! Oh, NO! Once they see you with that hot new guy or gal, or once they hear that you are dating again, and not at home whining over the loss of them, they will - most definitely - want you back! Forced jealousy does have its advantages, you betcha! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Recognizing Sour Relationships Has your relationship turned a bit...sour? Do you recognize any of these symptoms? Avoidance . Remember when you used to be each other's best friends, and you two spent every minute together?Irritability. "I love you," once spoken softly, is now "what the *#@& did you say to me?!" "Leave me alone!" "You make me sick!" "I've had it!" "Get off my back, will you!" and even "I HATE YOU!"Silence. Oh, argh! How many of us haven't resorted to the dreaded "silent treatment." We just clam up, stick our nose up in an apathetic air, and pretend like they don't even exist - and, if they did exist, are not even worthy of our attention.Enlisting allies. Yes, we turn family members, friends, co-workers, and acquaintances into our own personal army in our vendetta against them. We even view our therapists and counsellors as potential enlistees.Threats. "I'm leaving you!" "I'll find another!" "Don't make me hurt you!"Constant quarreling. Bickering back and forth. Often times neither party can even remember what the fight was about.Feelings of being unloved. The biggest sign of a deteriorating relationship is suddenly noticing that you have become insecure. You feel neglected, unloved, unattractive, incompetent, and as though you could very easily be replaced by another. Often you may feel defensive, as though you have been singled out for attack.~by Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Top Tips for an Amicable Breakup by Tigress Luv, The Breakup Guru 1 : If the two of you have children together, keep in mind that you will be in touch with each other until one of you dies. Never let your children see hostility, animosity, or any other bad feeling flow between you and your ex. Do not exchange unkind words with your ex in front of the children, and do not force your children to take sides. Never speak bad of your ex to your children! Your children have the right to reap the benefits of a joyous childhood.2. The way you handle your breakup will make a huge impact on the rest of your life, and on any other future relationships you may have. If you have strong feelings of worthlessness, anger, resentment, hopelessness, or the inability to accept the breakup, professional counselling may be necessary to help you cope with and understand these emotions. 3. Realize that you are in complete control of your responses and emotions to any situation. You have the ability to control your 'actions', simply by not allowing them to become 'reactions'. 4. Allow your grief to happen. Grief is not something you get over, it is something you get through. Cry if you feel sad. Punch your pillow. Call your mother, your best friend, or a close colleague and wail away. They'll understand. 5. Understand that most of your grief comes from the death of the dream of 'forever'. Replan your future and set some new and realistic goals to strive for. 6. Don't rush into dating again. When you were in your relationship you gave 'pieces' of yourself to your mate and to your relationship. Wait until you have regained all your pieces back before thinking about giving of yourself again in another relationship. Additionally, don't introduce new dates to your children right away. Make sure you have a solid relationship with another person before bringing them into your home and introducing them to your children. Children feel loss, too. 7. If you are getting a divorce, try to talk with your soon-to-be-ex regarding divorce settlements and visitation rights outside of your lawyers. Peaceful arrangements are much more rewarding to both you, your ex, and your children, than long, drawn-out and bitter divorces. 8. Take good care of your health. I remember looking in the mirror a couple of months after my breakup and being shocked by the Zombie staring back at me. As hard as it may be at this trying time, please try to eat healthy, get adequate rest, and plenty of exercise. ~by Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man What is Abusive-Codependency? Abusers tend to display characteristics of the codependent personality, as well as do those who stay in abusive relationships. Codependent Personality Disorder is a dysfunctional relationship with ourselves. The codependent is characterized by their obsessive and repeated attempts to live their life through another, or to live their life for another. To enable this 'switch' they attempt to control another and to control circumstances. The codependent may often feel like they are a victim, or that everything wrong in their life is another's fault. They have the tendency to blame others for wrongness within themselves, or to be hypervigilant to other's actions and opinions. They may attempt to 'fix' others, or feel an intense anxiety in a relationship. They fear intimacy, yet - self-contradicting - have an intense fear of being alone or abandoned. Ironically, as much as a codependent person may feel responsible for others, may feel the need to take care of others, or may overly relate to another's moods, they still harbor the false belief that it is the other person that is responsible for him. He often will blame others for his unhappiness or his problems. If he has an issue it is almost always because of something another person said or did, or didn't say or do. Additionally, where the codependent may feel that it is other's in their life that are 'over-controlling', it is in fact they, themselves, that are the overly controlling person. He is afraid that by allowing others to be who they are, or by allowing events to unfold as they will, that he will somehow, himself, be out of control. The codependent man believe only he knows best, he believes those around him should behave as he thinks they should behave, and he uses all kinds of little ways to get that person to do and think as he believes they should. He then becomes very controlling and if the other person fights this control, refuses to change, or remains adamant in their own beliefs the codependent will attempt to control and manipulate them even more - all the while claiming that the other one is the controlling one. He will use force, threats, coercion, advice giving, helplessness, guilt, insulting, shame, remove assets, neediness, selfishness, denial, manipulation, or domination - anything he can in his attempt to gain control over another. Emotional problems are common in the codependent. Depression, anxiety, dysfunctional relationships, insomnia, addictions, or over possessiveness in relationships are all common traits among codependents. Additionally, a codependent often has a driven compulsion for 'more', yet an anxious feeling of incompleteness or emptiness will remain - no matter what he has accomplished. Common signs that you may be a codependent abuser: Constantly seek approval and affirmation from your mate, having no sense of self identity outside a relationship Inability to feel comfortable when alone Feelings of being different or not like others Confusion, or a deep sense of inadequacy Feeling either totally responsible or completely without blame Extreme dependency on your mate, and an intense fear of abandonment Unyielding and in need of constant control over all aspects of the relationship Extremely low self esteem and may be very self-critical Difficulty in developing or sustaining meaningful relationships. Long line of failed relationships of which the codependent believes the other partner was always to blame Lies for no reason. Creates a 'false self' that the outside world sees Denies or refuses to recognize that his actions are not 'normal' behaviors Denies feelings of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, or shame with self Gets bored easily, needs to feel excitement Common signs that you may be a codependent in an abusive relationship: Difficulty in following a simple project through. Inability to concentrate Unhappy. Joyless. Unable to to relax and have fun Depression Sadness Fearful of change Intense lack of self-confidence. Inability to make even simple decisions or choices Denies feelings of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, or shame with self Inability to positively see alternatives to bad situations. Pessimism Isolation from friends and family Believe there is something wrong with you. Think you need to change to make your partner happy Fear of making mistakes Feel anxiety when faced with anger and criticism Confusion between love and pity Tendency to be a rescuer and seeks those who 'need' you ~by Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man When Our Emotional Issues Affect Our True Availability "A funny thing about codependency is that when you are so focused on another they become focused on themselves, too." Tigress Luv Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, describes co-dependency as"a specific condition that is characterized by preoccupation and extreme dependence — emotionally, socially and sometimes physically — on a person or object. Eventually, this dependency on another person [or object] becomes a pathological condition that affects the co-dependent in all other relationships" Codependents are the ultimate example of a persecution complex. They always feel victimized, oppressed, and self-sacrificial. Although codependents may feel they give an inordinate amount of responsibility, obligation, and worry for another and mistakenly feel like they are giving, in reality they are actually taking. The only thing a codependent person wants to hear from his unappreciative (of course, this is usually in his imagination) spouse is the words "I feel so guilty about everything you do for me". However, in reality, codependents do very little for the healthy betterment of their relationships, or the wholeness and completeness of their lives. Whereas they think they are doing for everyone, they are actually doing for themselves. Every time they can feel over-giving and under-appreciated (their main goal), they climb higher up in their Ivory-Tower and feel justified in hugging themselves while they hang from their self-imposed crucifix. Codependents appear to be very poor givers, so wrapped up in their imagined glories and self-sacrifices that they never really, truly give genuine love and care just for the simple reason of giving it and not for the real reason behind why they do give and give. And what is that reason you ask? Codependents give only for two causes and one reason; to cause 'self-pity', and to cause 'manipulation' of those around him, for the reason of being able to embrace, nurture, and love themselves, and to feel safe and secure. Although there are many, many books out there that attempt to explain the motives of codependent people, I have never found one that actually describes the reason behind what they do to my satisfaction! Sooooo, let me explain my theory (shut up and bear with me here!)... :) As pack animals we are all somewhat codependent. But when codependency becomes the overriding force in a person's life they begin to do the exact opposite of what they honestly believe their goal is. Where most codependents think they are sacrificing themselves for everyone around them, what they are actually doing is distancing themselves and emotionally withdrawing from those around them, so coccooned they are in themselves and their own feelings of injustice. To contradict a lot of codependent books I am going to go out on a limb here and give my analysis of codependency: A codependent person—although it may appear that they are over-conscious and over-aware of others—in reality are only conscious of their own role in other's lives and not with the actual other person themselves. They only need to pre-occupy themselves with other's emotional well-being and feelings to see what their own status is to that other person, and how they fit in that person's life. Although the experts seem to claim that a codependent person is overly involved in other's moods, feelings, and emotional being, they actually are more astute to another's moods, feelings, and emotions only when it directly relates back to themselves so that they may analyze the role they play in that person's life. Many codependents have an intense need for acceptance and validation of who they are. They can be more selfish and self-involved then fiercely independent people are, as they are so engrossed in the role they play in other people's lives that they become obsessed with others' moods and well-being only as it relates to themselves. Codependents lack in self-perception and can only identify who they are through that of a second person. They manifest 'who they are' only through another's eyes, thoughts, or views of them...and without another they are unable to find their own identity. Codependents tend to latch onto partners because of this lack of being able to self-identify through themselves. Thus, codependents become 'emotionally unavailable' or 'uncaring' to others, unless it is for the selfish reason of improving their own role in that person's life. Everything they do they do to pity themselves or to applaud themselves...nothing is done out of voluntary loving or freely given for the mere fact of truly caring for another. Everything that a codependent person does is done to further establish their self-pitying thoughts of 'overdoing' and of being taken advantage of and for granted, "I am so unappreciated around here, they treat me like their slave...", or their self-worshipping thoughts that they are perfect and well-respected for the 'good' or 'right things' that they do unto others. "I am a great person, see how I saved the day!" These thoughts are based on the fact that because they are overly concerned with the role they play in other's lives that they become more acutely aware of how others do or do not acknowledge what they do. Basically, the codependents motives are all about gaining self-pity or gaining self-respect enough so that they can feel safe and comfortable enough to embrace their own inner soul and give much needed self-love to themselves. Just below the surface of every codependent is a lost and rejected child that doesn't feel that who they are themselves is worthy of love. A codependent is so caught up in their own little "I am a self-sacrificing hero" fantasy that they have no idea that they have no real identity of their own, and are actually (and ironically) never really fully available to another (although they believe just the opposite). Codependents spend an inordinate amount of time hugging themselves and finding new ways to feel like they are abandoned and unappreciated, or acclaimed and heralded. They spend an elaborate amount of time planning ways to feel more damaged and martyred (so they can heroize themselves), and to do this they must worry more about making everyone but himself happy. They must be self-sacrificial. Although they feel that they are over-giving and over-doing, they actually do very little real emotional loving, or make themselves truly available to the people in their life. (It is hard to be there for somebody in an honest and genuine sense, when you are being bitter and indignant about the fact that you are there for them.) You can never love a codependent person enough, for they will not feel your love, they will only feel all the drummed up sacrifices they have done for others. A codependent person will not hear, "thank you, I appreciate that" but will seek out and concentrate his focus on all the non-acknowledged things that he does do, whereas most non-codependents will hear the "thank you" and not really get to worried over the fact that occasionally someone didn't acknowledge something they did for them. A codependent person very rarely recognizes genuine acts of true love and caring from their spouses, but rather is hypervigilant to their spouses negativities or requests (which the codependent person takes to mean 'more demands' on, and 'belittlement' of, them). Codependent people have a huge hole in them that needs to be fixed. They find temporary relief via another person's redemption through them, as it allows them to redeem themselves when they see themselves through the other's eyes. This may possibly be the reason why codependents almost always choose mates that have 'problems'. They can find a temporary patch for their own 'hole' by fixing others'. The simple fact is, the codependent person is an unavailable partner. He becomes this way in three respects: 1. He becomes self-absorbed: It is hard to be really there for someone else when your arms are always around yourself in feelings of grandeur, heroism, self-sacrificial claims, self pity, and indignation. 2. He feeds off his partner's character and subsequently develops none of his own: When one creates in themselves a codependent inner nature they lose much of their own identity, taking on the emotions and feelings of their partner. Although a healthy amount of codependency is good for a relationship, an overly codependent person becomes a 'non-person', and teaches his partner to not recognize him, for 'he' really, truly doesn't exist! This means that, as a codependent, one loses their own identity—and without an "I"dentity you are essentially a nobody, and how can 'nobody' be anywhere, let alone in a relationship and by their wife's side? How can one love 'nobody'? 3. He unknowingly teaches his partner that everything is about 'her': Another thing a codependent person does is to teach their partner to be selfish and self-serving. Since, to a codependent person everything is about the act of doing for the other person (remember, this is his illusion), and that nothing is about them (again, his illusion), they subconsciously condition the other person to come to expect all their needs to be met by the codependent person, in as much as the codependent person, themselves, does focus on meeting all their partner's needs—but carrying resentment about it. They subconsciously train their partner's to become selfish, expectant, and self-gratifying. On the flipside of that, when the wife is codependent she spends an excessive amount of time feeling like her actions aren't appreciated, that she is unnoticed and unacknowledged, and that she is sacrificing herself for her husband and family and not being appreciated or acknowledged for it in return. When she feels she is not getting the appreciation at home that she feels she deserves, she becomes more vulnerable to an affair. She may mistakenly believe that only another lover will understand her and appreciate her and all that she does. You can spend years trying to make a codependent person feel appreciated and loved. However, it's like filling a bucket with holes in the bottom. Codependents have this empty hole that only they can fill up. Sometimes you may be able to get it a quarter full, or even halfway full, but no matter how much you put in this bucket, it keeps falling right out the bottom. To sum it up, a codependent person unknowingly pushes their spouse into the arms of another, AND a codependent person, themselves, will willingly rush into the arms of another when they feel lonely, unappreciated, and not respected in their home life. ~by Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Tips For a Faster Breakup Recovery 1. Start a personal journal about your journey from heartbreak to 'better-than-ever'. I know one man who kept a record of his postings on our break up board, starting from his devastating beginning days, to his healed and in love again days, and then turned them into an awesome book of self-discovery and hope. 2. Get all your hurt, pain, frustration, anger, love - whatever emotions you need to release - out. Place an empty chair in front of you and imagine it to be your ex (it may help to place a picture of your ex on the chair). Talk to him/her, telling them all the pain you feel, all the resentment you harbor, or the hurt feelings, emptiness, loneliness. All the love you have for them. Get it all out! Yell, blame, cry, beg, whatever feels good at the time. 3. Take an evening course. For example: art, writing, computer, or graphic arts. 4. Take a walk. I started walking about 4 weeks into my break up because I thought I was going to go nuts! I can honestly say that, not only did I walk the break up off, I also walked off about 10 unwanted pounds, got beautiful legs, sun-streaked hair, and a great tan! 5. Make your own break up music tape. Do Not include any songs that remind you of your ex! And, try to record only insightful music (not just sappy, sad stuff!). Such as Gloria Gaynor's "I will survive". Here are some song suggestions: bonnie raitt- give it up or let me go dixie chicks- you were mine destiny's child- bug a boo cher- strong enough allure- all cried out whitney houston- it's not right but it's ok monica- ring da bell tlc- no scrubs sarah mclachlan- circles no doubt- end it on this mariah carey- i don't wanna cry madonna- the power of goodbye shania twain - that don't impress me much sheryl crow- anything but down whitney houston- heartbreak hotel all saints- never ever ben folds five- song for the dumped brandy- almost doesn't count mya- if you died i wouldn't cry cause you never loved me anyway mya- movin on cher-believe garbage-special en vogue-too gone, too long alana davis-free alanis morrisette-you oughta know jewel-foolish games fleetwood mac-dreams dixie chicks-let 'er rip mary chapin carpenter- the last word fleetwood mac-go your own way fleetwood mac-i don't want to know erykah badu-certainly 6. Try something different that you haven't experienced before. Parasailing, meditation, yoga, acupuncture, lectures, etc. Read some new-age philosopher's books and writings. 7. Write down all your different dreams of the future that you had planned around you and your ex being together. Use a separate piece of paper for each dream. Example: our dream home in Colorado, our vacation to the Bahamas next Spring, children, etc. Individually burn each one by throwing them into a fireplace or a fire pit. 8. Cry! Cry hard and long. Now stop, wait five minutes, and then cry again! 9. Set aside a certain amount of time each day that you will allow yourself to grieve - and nothing else but grieve. It is a funny thing, but when you try to grieve - and only grieve - you'll find that you don't really feel all that full of grief. It's when you try not to grieve, or when you allow other things to happen while you grieve (phone calls, television, smoking, eating) that you believe your grief consumes you. 10. Seek counselling or therapy to help you get in touch with your inner feelings. 11. If you're angry try to release it in a non-destructive way. Example: pound your pillow, go for a jog, or workout at the gym. To stop anger try to understand what exactly it is that you are angry about and try to understand the motives of the person that angered you, or the reasons behind the event that angered you. Anger usually is simply fear of losing control over a situation, event, or even yourself. 12. Start a project. Example: Remodel your bathroom, grow a garden, or get in better shape. 13. Give yourself a hug! God made our arms long enough so that we may embrace ourselves. Try it - nobody's looking. :) ...and it feels soooo good! 14. To help you sleep keep a fantasy list close to your bedside. A 'fantasy list' is a list of things that you dream about. For instance; planting a garden, winning the lotto, building a home. Each night before you close your eyes pick one fantasy from the list. Now close your eyes and think about what you would do if your fantasy came true. Don't just 'think' about it, plan it out detail-by-detail ... see the dream unfold piece-by-piece. Example: if you were to plant a dream garden what would you have in it? What kind of flowers, what colors? What vegetables and herbs? Would you have decorations or garden ornaments? A koi pond? Bird house or birdbath? Perhaps a nature walk or cobble-stoned pathway? A resting bench? A fountain? 15. Pamper yourself. Get a massage, or a makeover. Buy new shoes, or change your entire wardrobe. Don't feel guilty - you've just been through hell, and honey, you deserve some pampering - so spoil yourself silly! 16. If you and your ex hung around with the same crowd, it's time to make new friends! Join church groups, hiking/biking clubs, singles groups, or even tournaments and sports leagues. Take dance lessons. Join committees. Look up old friends that you have lost touch with, or volunteer your services or help somewhere if you have spare time to give. 17. I've heard this great suggestion for when you are stuck 'obsessing' about your ex. What you are supposed to do (and I've tried this - it works!) is either inside or outdoors, sitting or walking, start counting every single thing you see. For instance sitting at your desk you might do something like this: Pen. One Keep counting without stopping until you feel you are done. This may be at 10, or even 200. Then your supposed to focus your attention again at the objects around you, only this time instead of counting, you are making a comment to that thing, Example: "Pen, You just sit there until I put action to you. I wonder how many words you have written, how many stories you could tell." "Coffee cup, you are plain and unattractive. A dull eggshell color." Keep this up until you feel you are finished and refocused. The object of this is to re-focus your attention outward to the objects around you, and by forcing your attention outward you stop your thoughts from being stuck 'inward'. 18. Do your very own website! That's how I got started :) Just pick your favorite subject, or even a business you wanted to always do - and upload it on to the web. The plus side to this is you will get so involved in your new website that time magically passes and when you see all your hard work start to come to life, you gain a new appreciation for wonderful you. 19. Build your own sanctuary or respite. This can be a place in your garden, a spare room, or even your porch. Place some special plants and flowers, figurines, or statues around. Decorate it in a calm, soothing color scheme. Add a soft-flowing fountain, or background music of nature tapes. Go there to re-connect with your inner spiritual self. 20. Start a self-improvement program. You can change things about yourself you don't like, and you can learn to understand and like things about yourself that you didn't before. Inner-reflection and awareness is very peaceful. 21. Check out support forums here for those going through break up grief. 22. Fall in love with yourself. Take yourself to a movie, or a lunch at a quaint little sidewalk cafe. Go on a short road trip, and pack along an awesome picnic basket. Grab a blanket and good book and make a day of it. Fly a kite! 23. Go through every inch of your home and pack up anything that reminds you of your ex. This includes pictures, gifts, or even their belongings. For each item you remove replace it with a plant or flowers! Rearrange your furniture and reclaim your house. Remodel, redecorate. Renew! 24. Buy a puppy, kitten, bird - or even a horse! Set up an awesome aquarium, or terrarium. Yes - you can buy love! 25. Invite friends over for a sleep-over! No - you're never too old for a sleep-over! Rent some awesome movies, buy some sinful snacks, get some good board games. 26. Change is good. If you have found that during the course of your relationship you got stuck in a rut, now is the time to wake up and revamp yourself. Change your car, buy a new sportier or racier one - or trade in your trusted old Betsy for a Harley. Go back to school. Throw away your polyester slacks and buy some slinky black leather pants. Change your hair color or get a new do. The world is yours, honey - it's your time now so be all that you can be. 27. Get out and enjoy life. Join a bowling league, pool tournament, or volleyball group. 28. Write. Start a book, a journal, a collection of poems, or even your favorite recipes. 29. Write your ex a letter. Say whatever you want, how ever you feel. Blame, moan, confess your love. Express forgiveness. Whatever. It is your letter, do with it as you like. When you are all finished, rip it up! 30. Profit from your break up. Design a new series of 'break up' greeting cards, or design a line of t-shirts with funny 'break up-lines' on them. Other ideas for merchandising might be purses, beach towels, book/page markers, bumper stickers, mouse pads, coffee cups, and even answering-machine recordings. ~Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man by Tigress Luv W hat are the factors that lead to an affair? Believe it or not, it's not about SEX, and it's not about Physical Attraction to the other woman. For many men who have cheated their wives or mates were far MORE attractive than the other woman, and their husbands found their wives more sexually satisfying, too. Affairs are usually the result of one single factor, but can be the accumulation of many. For most an affair was a way of meeting a certain emotional need that their partners were not providing. Although, there are often other factors as well, such as boredom; the desire to punish one's partner; excitement, risk, or challenge; and even 'power' to name a few. Usually if a man is having, or contemplating having, an affair, he is using it as a way to fill an emotional void he feels in his current relationship with his mate. Most underlying causes of infidelity are based on the person (who is doing the cheating) seeking certain needs that were lacking in their relationships.What are these needs? Men, just like women, seek certain emotional needs. These may be different needs than the ones we feel, but just as important to their fulfillment as our needs being fulfilled are important to us. What are a man's needs? Sexual fulfillment: Face it, women like affection and men like sex. A man is feeling his most free to give love for a woman when he is engaged in sex with her. It is one of the few times he can relax and feel love with-out the expectations of having to 'pay' for it. What I mean when I say 'pay' for it is when a man says I love you, or feels love, he also feels the tremendous burden of what those words mean to him. He must now provide for her. Keep her happy and secure. Provide a safe home to which they may raise a family. Seek steady and financially secure employment. Seek her approval on every single plan before putting it into action. Yes, when a man says "I Love You" his insides turn with fear and worry about being able to provide all those I just mentioned. Love to woman often means security. Love to a man often means work! When a man is having sex with a woman he is allowed to feel his love for her free of all the 'work' that comes with the word love. He can open himself up and feel not being taken, drained, or pressured to provide... but experience the pure joy of mutual giving and taking with no other reason than loving bliss. A man also seeks in his mate a buddy or a pal: This is when he feels his needs for acceptance being taken care of. A man wants his woman to be his best friend, his pal. He wants her to share an interest in his activities. This, in turn, makes him feel you are showing an interest in him! If he wants to golf, or fish, and you show no interest at all in joining him, he feels like his likes are unacceptable to you. Like you somehow don't approve of him or have interests in him. When you join him you provide his need for you to be interested, and accepting of him. He feels attractive, comfortable, and secure. He feels validated and understood (Hence the good old adultery line "She doesn't understand me!") By joining in his hobbies and activities you are showing him you are interested in him and accept everything about him, and that you trust him to make you happy. Not finding his mate physically attractive: Oh, OUCH! This one hurts, but it is true. Men are definitely creatures of visual stimulation. Note the marketable comparison in the amount of men's 'girlie' magazines (they are meant to tantalize, tease, and whet the appetite) as compared to women's 'boyie' magazines. Women sometimes forget this need because they don't have the same visual needs. Women feel love, and that bond excites them. Men see it! Unhappy or dysfunctional homelife: Calm surroundings, happy kids, dinner on the stove and a loving wife welcoming him with open arms makes a man feel appreciated and rewarded for all his hard work that he does to provide for his family. He feels acknowledged, appreciated, and compensated by a happy, grateful family. He is not a failure! An unhappy wife, messy home, and unruly children can somehow be turned around as proof to him that as a man he is a failure. He feels lack of admiration and sees no praise for his accomplishments or talents. Wow! Men are such work, and now we have to tell them they are great too? Yes, men need, I mean NEED the approval and admiration of their mates. He wants to be reassured that she thinks he is great. A master mechanic, a tower of strength, a sex god! A great provider, and the hardest working man in the world! Basically, if a man is continuously lacking in any of these above needs for any length of time, he may subconsciously fall prey to getting them met 'outside' of the relationship. What might at first had started out as an innocent lunch meet at the office with a co-worker, could eventually evolve into a relationship when he sees his emotional needs being taken care of by this other woman (who may not even be aware she is doing it!). That is not to say he set out to cheat. Most cheaters weren't even consciously aware they were getting involved with another woman until they WERE already involved. They got caught in getting their needs met and completely were unaware of the outcome. Yes, his affair with another woman can definitely lead to love for her and his mate may eventually lose him to this other woman. This is because, as the man becomes more comfortable with his lover, the void and distance subsequently placed in his marriage begins to grow. His mate and him eventually lose all but passing everyday communication...creating an even larger emotional distance. This distance just more confirms his victim status and lack of satisfaction with his mate and paves way to enhance an even more open communication between the other woman and him, resulting in more a feeling of fulfillment with her over his mate. As he becomes closer to getting his emotional needs met with his new lover and less with his mate the tables turn and he begins to fall in love with the other woman and feels less and less love for his mate. This doesn't always necessarily mean he will chose the other women over his mate--as men tend to be motivated out of guilt . This feeling of guilt may make many men remain with their mate, while still seeing his lover on the side, simply out of guilt of leaving her, hurting her, or the pain he is causing his family and his children. Many men stay in unhappy marriages, not because of obligation, or love for their mates, but rather out of guilt or feelings of shame. SIGNS THAT HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR There are certain signs men give when they are having an affair. But even before we discuss these let me just say this. If you have a history of special emotional insecurities, such as a very low self-esteem, overly strong feelings of mistrust in men, or issues with jealousy and insecurity, then suspecting your mate of having an affair may just be a result of your own issues and insecurities and less likely of his really having an affair. However, let me say this, if you are a relatively secure woman, who is generally trusting, non jealous, and have had a relatively satisfactory amount of security in your relationship with your mate and you find that you are suddenly and repeatedly dismissing 'clues' of an affair, or if you have been lately trying too hard to convince yourself that he would never have an affair, then odds are that he is having an affair. Women need to trust their intuitions and 'gut feelings'. If we are basically confident, self-assured women, with no past history of insecurities, overt jealousy, or mistrust issues, and we suddenly start to wonder, well...figure it out for yourself, SOMETHING had to place that doubt or perception of uneasiness in our minds, and most likely it wasn't us. Some of the first signs of an affair is a subtle change in your partner's behavior. You sense that "something is different" in the relationship.Your mate becomes emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable. He is no longer as supportive as he once was, and you may feel as if he is pulling away. Could he have a secret? Just like the signs of cancer, a mate having an affair will display changes in his normal patterns of behavior. He is suddenly spending more time away from you or your home. His demeanor has changed as he begins to pay more attention to his appearance. He may even begin an exercise regimen, purchase new clothes, comb his hair in a different way, or even buy a flashier car. He begins more and more to be less attentive to you, and he may either become more or less interested in sex. His character changes. All of sudden a man who was the life of the party becomes quiet--or an introvert suddenly becomes more outgoing and sociable. He may make subtle referrals or comments about dreams of what he wants to accomplish in his future where in the past he was content with his standing in life. He may become disagreeable, short-tempered, vague, or easily distracted. He may seem to be daydreaming. Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man (NOTE: The following are excerpts and notes from Tigress Luv's new book, Toxic Love) * Do you ever feel like you are losing control; imagining things; having severe mental distortions of reality; or are completely, totally out of your mind? If you answered yes to these questions then you are with a toxic man. Toxic Men slowly suck our happiness and our loving, nurturing spirit out of us. We become confused, insecure, depressed zombies...yet our Toxic Men walk around as if nothing has happened, not seeming to notice our depression and unhappiness at all, leaving us to feel unloved; unwanted; unappreciated; disrespected; invisible; abused; sad; and alone. These men are Toxic to all women that they are in a deep relationship with. A Toxic Man is a combination of a narcissistic man; a commitmentphobic man; a codependent man; a histrionic man; a man with split personality disorder; a power-hungry control freak; a martyr; a misogynist; a man with borderline personality; and an abuser, yet he doesn't really or precisely belong to any one of these groups alone. He behaves like an adult-sized wounded, selfish child. He is simply a TOXIC MAN! The Toxic Man cuts your hearts to pieces. His blatant bad thoughts and opinions of you make you feel so ashamed, ugly, and unattractive! Nothing hurts worse than to have the one you love focus on and exaggerate all your negative points (or even invent some that you don't have) and dismiss and downplay your positive points. Most people can't understand the pain associated with this, as they have never had a partner look for the bad in them so exhaustingly as the Toxic Man will. This pain can be far more severe than the pain of a broken heart, abuse, or desertion. We feel simply horrible about ourselves when we are around the Toxic Man. I mean, wouldn't it be great if you could have your Toxic Man look at you again with all that love and admiration that he did in the beginning? That very special look that he will give the new woman in his life once you finally leave him? Hurts, huh? The Many Faces of Toxic Men (Abusers) The "Demand" Man * Feels entitled, ask for more than he gives back. When he is generous and giving to you - it's only to prove to himself , and others, that he is a good person. If you need something he accuses you of being self-centered and he tells everybody how selfish and ungrateful you are, and acts hurt because of all he's done for you. He gets furious if anything is demanded of him and switches every conversation back to being about him. The "Demand Man" believes that what he is worth is who he is so he overvalues his self-worth. Just ask him! Oh yes, he will tell you! In his mind he believes he works harder, makes more money, has greater responsibilities, has better assets, has more demands put on him, has more clout, contributes more, is more generous...more, better, greater! Mr. Right (Arrogant) * Is an expert at everything. His partner will end up questioning their own intelligence. He not only knows all the answers to everything, he tells you that how you run your own life is wrong. He knows ALL your faults. Mr. Right delights in correcting you in front of others (to point out his own intelligence and his sainthood for putting up with you). He punishes you for having your own mind. He imposes his beliefs and opinions, caring little about considering yours. EWW! The Water Torturer! (Killing Me Softly With His Words!) This man knows how to get under your skin. By remaining calm and level-headed to make you look crazy. When arguing he will often have a superior or contemptuous grin on his face. He uses a low, calm, stead voice to impose his psychological superiority over you, and often mimics you, laughs at you, or insults you. Quiet calm is used by this man to disguise his abusive and controlling acts against you. Talks to you as if you were a mental patient and he the doctor in control. Talks down to you as if you were nuts. Accuses you of being abusive and out of control once he drives you to the brink. Then he claims you are irrational and acting crazy while he is in complete control and it is not he who is the one starting an argument. This Toxic Man's tactics are difficult to recognize and identify. When a woman can't make a concrete evaluation and has nothing to label their partner with they can become extremely distraught and deeply scared. If someone hits you, you know it and you can relate it to your friends, but when someone tries to drive you nuts, and appears to be sane, level-headed, rational, and innocent while doing it, you can't describe it to your family or friends and you end up feeling like maybe you are 'nuts'. You most likely aren't even aware of it, it being so subtle and appearing so sane. You can't even describe something that's going on when you don't even know it is going on. If you confront the Water Torturer he acts like he doesn't know what you are talking about. To friends and even your children, it looks like he is so laid-back and calm (low key) and that you blow up over nothing. "Kids, your mom is flipping out again..." He is oppressive and stifling. Cynical and cocky. He makes you feel like you are crazy and out of control. He acts like you get 'set off' by anything and everything and makes you look like you are the one with the problem. And, unfortunately, everybody else believes this, too. The Prison Guard CAPTIVITY! Watches you like a hawk. Denies you strength and independence. Runs every aspect of your life, from criticizing everything you do, to telling you where you can and can't go. This Toxic Man is not above dictating who you friends will be; how you should cook and clean; listening in on your phone calls; reading your emails; asking people (even enlisting the children) to spy on you when he is gone; setting curfews; fathering you; and removing your freedom. He is overly jealous, accuses you of cheating, and questions you even when you just casually look at another man. He dislikes women, and is irrationally possessive and policing. It's all about possession to him, and not fidelity - and thusly so more than likely the Prison Guard is the one having the affair himself. It is difficult to get away from The Prison Guard as he monitors your activities to the max - even quitting his job, etc, to not let you out of his sight. He isolates you from friends and family. Removes your finances. Ruins your car. Holds you virtually as a prisoner. Mr. Sensitive Mr. Sensitive is overly in touch with his emotions and feels sorry for himself, blaming you for hurting him. He thinks he is a gift to women because, unlike most men, he is in touch with his feelings. Mr. Sensitive will forget every nice thing said to him and dwell on the one insult you threw at him when you were deeply hurt by his self-focused actions. This Toxic Man takes everything to heart. If you aren't careful he will take everything you say and do the wrong way, and then be off to sit on his pity-pot for days, hugging his wounded self and reaffirming his victim status. The Player He comes on strong in the beginning and is a fantastic lover in bed, then you notice his interest in you starts to wane as he openly stares - no, make that 'ogles' - other women. You start to hear rumors... You tend to get angry at the 'other women' rather than The Player himself. He makes you feel like you are the 'special one', and that other women are jealous of you, or angry at him because he turned down their advances, or because he 'dropped' them for you. He claims all of his past women, or 'other women', were abusive, deranged, needy, or obsessed with him. You can never really be sure of his faithfulness. He tries to make you jealous, then accuses you of being untrusting and insecure. You start to feel that every woman is a threat to you; your best friend, your co-worker, your neighbor, your sister, even your very own mother! You tend to keep these other women away from you so as not to expose him to them. You feel like you are put on a shelf, ignored, forgotten, and put away until he is ready for you again. Ironically, he may get angry with you if you catch him cheating, even though he is the one that should have deserved the anger. He sees all women as playthings or toys, rather than takes them seriously. Most likely his mother "worked" for him and his father, rather than she was an equal partner. He may believe that women are strictly sexual objects and that it is totally unfair of you to expect him to not be tempted by them. Should you avoid the 'charming' man who gets defensive if you question his actions that affect you? Yes! An inability to accept disagreement and criticism is a bad sign. Not every charmer is an abuser - but many, MANY abusers are "pathological charmers". Rambo (Bully) This Toxic Man thinks he is the toughest guy in the world. He believes women need protecting and all females are inferior to men. He also believes women are put here on this Earth simply to be subservient slaves to their men. He treats women as if they were 'things' - possessions, trophies, his harem. He thinks that men need to 'keep women in line', and often makes remarks pertaining to this matter. He talks louder thank you. In fact, he over-talks you! He dominates conversations. He never hears the other side. He is pushy, stubborn, and headstrong. The Victim (Poor Me!) Life has treated him unfair. His exes were all terrible to him, and they even try to keep him from seeing his kids. He has been the sad victim of psychotic women, a corrupt legal system, and an unfair work environment. His exes are all "wicked", evil witches. Victims not only exhibit anger with their exes, but also DISRESPECT and CONTEMPT towards them. Warning signs should be heeded when a man blames his ex for the entire demise of their relationship. Even if he admits to some wrong-doing on his part ("Yes, I cheated on her, but...") he still blames it on her saying her 'evil' ways drove him to do it. She is always the reason why he did something 'wrong'. He takes no responsibility for any bad in his relationships! Most Victims will claim that their exes were abusive, when in reality he was the abusive one. Most Victims claim that their exes were controlling or wanted to wear the pants and be in power. "She was a spoiled, demanding princess!" Be warned, this is how he will describe you, should your relationship reach an end! He is all about him, poor poor him, and he wraps himself up in self-pity, licking his imagined wounds, and tries to enlist his family, friends, and even the kids, to feel sorry for him. He claims no one understands him, and he may appear to assume the blame, but, in reality, he feels totally blameless. He can easily convince others that you are cruel, controlling, abusive, mean, angry, lazy, unappreciative, disrespectful, etc., and that he is so wonderful but wrongfully wounded by nasty ol' you. You psycho bitch! He can mirror his troubles and issues onto others, easily reversing them to be the issues belonging to that of his partner. Whatever you see wrong in him, is the exact thing he 'claims' is wrong with you! "No, you're the one who..." Victims are prone to depression, which is the same as getting caught up in self-pity - the 'poor-me' mode. Victims feel so victimized at times that they become insomniac, anxiety ridden, antisocial, and even suicidal. They do not see reality, but distort it to be cruel - to him. Victims become bitter, resentful, and vengeful. Abusive Victims often assume the mantle of victimhood and martyrhood. Acting the eternal victim allows them to garner sympathy and support, abuse their victims by proxy, and still feel morally superior. The Narcissistic Abuser These Toxic Men have quite a highly distorted self-image. They are unable to accept the fact that they might have flaws or faults, and therefore are unable to imagine how other perceive them. In public Narcissistic men are charming and confident. In private they are nasty and dismissive. Clues to the presence of this toxicity includes: your partner's self-centeredness is severe, and it carries over into situations that don't involve you he seems to relate everything back to himself he is outraged whenever anyone criticizes him and is incapable of considering that he could ever be anything other than kind and generous he becomes hypervigilant to any 'negative' words that others might use he lacks compassion or sympathy for others he may have a 'fake' public self that involves a charming persona that captivates people. He holds these 'admirers' more dear to him, and treats them with more love, respect, and kindness than he does his own wife and children he's arrogant and without shame or remorse he's overly envious and may be highly insulting or critical of people whom he deems to have more than him, or be better than him in some degree, such as looks, talent, wealth, or career Nothing is ever his fault. He blames something or someone for anything that goes wrong. As time goes by, the target of his blame increasingly becomes you. This style of man also tends to make promises that he doesn't keep, coming up with excuses for disappointing you or behaving irresponsibly and perhaps taking serious economic advantage of you in the process. He is self-centered, and feels he does a lot more than he actually does. He takes more than his share of the conversation, turning every subject back around to him. He listens poorly when you speak, and chronically shifts the topic of conversation back to himself. Unfortunately, self-centeredness is a personality characteristic that is highly resistant to change, as it has deep roots in either profound entitlement (in abusers) or severe early emotional injuries (in non-abusers), or both (in narcissistic abusers). He treats you like gold when anyone is watching, is angry with you and bitter and spiteful when no one else is around to see. Tries to turn you against your family, friends, and even your children, especially if the children are from a previous relationship and they're not his children. You can place none above him! Narcissistic men are highly resistant to change, as their inflated ego makes it difficult for them to see their real selves. Narcissists are addicted to narcissistic supply (attention, admiration, adulation, being feared, etc.). They are master flirts and charmers, as the more admiration they can 'suck' out of people, the higher their own feelings of self-glory. They don't take well to criticism and/or disagreement. They are easily slighted and develop narcissistic injuries. The narcissism reacts with narcissistic rage, hatred, aggression, or violence to an infringement of what he perceives to be his entitlement. Any insinuation; hint; intimation; or direct declaration that the narcissism is not special at all, that he is average; common; wrong; imperfect; flawed; or not even sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest will inflame the narcissism. Narcissist often become abusive when faced with insults or derogatory remarks about themselves. In most people abuse is bred by fear – fear of being mocked or betrayed, emotional insecurity, anxiety, panic, and apprehension - but in the NPD man, abuse is triggered by the very thought of facing the statement that they are imperfect. This fear can be exaggerated when they are with someone who knows them well, and therefore someone who can logically point out their imperfections in a realistic and truthful way. It is a last ditch effort to maintain their delusions of grandeur that the NPD man may become physically abusive toward any individual who may provoke them by relating personal insults against their character based on truth and facts. The NPD man will often choose to not associate with anyone who has uncovered or exposed the NPD's true 'less-than-perfect' self. This type of Toxic Man does not give himself the right to be imperfect. The Toxic Man and Abuse Toxic Men almost always turn their love interest into their enemies or rivals. Normal disagreements are 'wars' to Toxic Men, and love is simply a power-struggle game with a 'winner' (him!) and a 'loser' (you!). They are notorious for turning and twisting grievances about them into them being the hero and you being the one at fault. There is no arguing with a Toxic Man because he sees arguments as all-out, no-holds-barred battles and he has to be the winner. There can be no mutually happy solution to any disagreement - one where both parties walk away feeling heard and feeling like their needs were met and understood. Oh no! This is war and only he can win. He is the complete authority. He holds a carte blanche. There can be NOTHING wrong with him, and he must make you KNOW THAT! He can twist and insult and psychologically stage a verbal assault on you that will leave you wishing for a quick and painless death. After a while the partner of a Toxic Man stops coming to him and begins to keep everything to herself, and thus so, becomes withdrawn and depressed. And, this, too, he will even use against her. "Why are you always so mopey and depressed? I was embarrassed at the party last night - you looked like it was the end of the world!" As I explain a typical situation that happened to me just recently, I'm sure you will be able to relate to it. My mate is a 'Toxic Man'. Being a Toxic Man, everything is always about him. Of course, if confronted about this Toxic Man will deny this and claim just the opposite! He may not even be consciously aware of this, as most Toxic Men are extremely codependent and believe that they do and do for others, but everything always boils down to what he gets out of it. So, each and every one of my days is about supporting him in his career, patiently and supportively listening as he talks to me about his latest work, walking in his shadow in public, kissing up to him and listening to him talk, talk, talk about him, him, him. I am - as I'm sure you all can relate to - virtually invisible in his life and in our relationship. So you can imagine how excited I was that he promised me he would read a book I had written on the following Sunday. Sunday! It was going to be a day about me! A day just about me, Tigress, and not about him, him, him! The excitement lived in me for those few days prior to Sunday. Sunday was going to be a day he actually was going to notice someone else besides him him him, or show an interest in me me me, and acknowledge that there even was a ME! Well, you guessed it. Friday comes along. Him. Saturday comes along. Him. Sunday comes along. He didn't even mention the book. Not one word. IT DIDN'T EVEN COME INTO HIS HEAD! He said he was going to work on his hobbies a little. Do some yard work. Drive to the store and get something for his hobby. Maybe download some more 'this and that' song for his massive music 'collection'. Blah, blah, blah. Oh, the hurt I went through was tremendous! I couldn't even speak. I was crushed! It wasn't going to be about me after all - not even for one day, for one afternoon, not even for one friggin' hour! I felt like I had been killed on Wednesday and he had just stepped over my decaying body as nonchalantly as if he were walking around a mud puddle. It was hard to talk to him. I got depressed. I couldn't hang around the house, but yet I couldn't find the energy to leave. It was as if my whole world had just collapsed and my will to go on sucked out of me. I know this sounds dramatic, but when you are ignored and stuck on a back 'the-annoying-bitch' burner for so very long - and then you get that hope that sometime very soon he will 'notice you' - it is devastating when that hope vanishes. Hope is what keeps us going. Our hopes and dreams are what makes us want to wake up in the morning. But Toxic Man has no clue. Because he cares not. He is completely ignorant to his hurtful ways. He just can't see beyond himself. He has no empathy, no compassion, for other's emotions. He doesn't even think they have emotions or feelings, let alone 'rights' to show them to him. He hasn't even considered that fact because to Toxic Men others are just extensions of him, him, him. Eventually, a couple days later, I mentioned to him how much he had hurt me. I regretted doing it almost immediately. Why hadn't I just kept it to myself, like I have learned to do so many times before? He denied it! He denied doing it. He denied my pain. Like he knows how I feel. He dismissed it all. Made me feel like I was the reason he didn't read it. He made up excuses off the top of his head, grasping at anything in order to NOT feel he did something wrong, and then he rationalized his excuses..."I thought you said you lost it...." He was right - I had said that, but he also knew that afterwards I had found the book, after all, and he even saw me sitting on the couch reading it! "I couldn't find it"...Huh? Did you look? Did you ask me? Wasn't it right there on the bed stand all week? Then he became all agitated and angry with me, as Toxic Men will do when you have any sort of grievance with them. He started yelling at me "Then go get the damned book and I'll read it right now!!!" Oh, ouch - would you think that that would have made me want to jump right up and go get the book? Would it have made you want to? Of course not! Later he claims to have 'begged' me 'over and over' to let him read 'the damned book'. And I'm sure he believes he did that very thing, too. Maybe when he was screaming at me like I was a baby throwing a temper tantrum. "Then go get the damned book and I'll read it right now!!!" But after living with the Toxic Man for a while you do begin to get an attitude yourself. You can't stand to look at him. You feel loathe for him more often than you feel love. You feel just so... so.... EWWWW!!!!! Why can't he ever see you or show an interest in you? I mean REAL, GENUINE interest and inquisitiveness. Not a fake, "how are you today?" and then start talking about himself before you can even open your mouth to tell him. Why can't he ever say something nice and actually feel those nice thoughts? Why is it always him, him, him? Here's an example: the other night we sat together for a long time and he talked about him, his work, his what-if's and wouldn't it be funny if he ... yadda, yadda.... the same as we do almost nightly in his 'Side of the House'. During these hours I said exactly two things that were about me. Both of the times that I opened my mouth he immediately cut me off. The first time I started to speak I said "The other day I found this old ring I had and..." and he cut me off right there and said "hold that thought" and then he left the room. I never returned to my 'thought' when he returned 30-minutes later, and he didn't seem to notice or even mention it, probably because he didn't even hear me talk to begin with. The second thing I went to say he cut me off again, and started on about him. I didn't speak again after that...as I haven't for months. Who would listen, anyway? Now I can talk, mind you - and I do talk, but never about me and never to him. That holds no special interest to him at all. He would yawn and within seconds turn the conversation back around to him. The Arguing Style of a Toxic Man Here I give you a typical argument with Toxic Man: Her: It breaks my heart that you apparently don't care about hurting my feelings. You haven't even apologized. Toxic Man (Loud, angry, and defensive [as usual] when confronted with a grievance): APOLOGIZE!? FOR WHAT? I didn't do anything! I begged you repeatedly to let me read the damned book, for crissake! Her (not wanting to get verbally slammed, like she knows, from past history, is now surely coming her way): Never mind. Forget it. Toxic Man (Still angry and sarcastic): I'm sorry... I just don't get it... I don't have a supreme ANALYTICAL SUPER BRAIN like you! Her (fully aware now of the verbal onslaught that is going to take place): "Supreme analytical super brain"? Toxic Man (still sarcastic and angry): You have to analyze everything to DEATH! It is hell living with you. You can't ever let anything rest!!! Her: I don't analyze everything to death. Toxic Man: Yes you do. And you always have an attitude. People are always coming up to me and asking me what's wrong with you. 'What's wrong with your girlfriend tonight? Is it okay if I go sit with her? She won't get mad will she?' They're even scared to go sit down by you! They are just being polite when they do. Her: They are not. You're making that up. Toxic Man: No I'm not, you're just too stuck on yourself to see. You think you are better than everybody else. And you mysteriously can switch from bad health to good health when you're mad, which you always are. You are an angry, ANGRY woman. A VERY BITTER WOMAN! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS SO ANGRY ANDBITTER?! Her (regretting the fact that she even brought it up to begin with): I'm not always angry. I'm lonely and you're always mad at me and yelling at me. Toxic Man: LONELY! HA! I'm with you all the time. What do you want me to do? Handcuff myself to you?! You are so damned controlling, everything has got to be about you and what you want. AND I NEVER YELL AT YOU, THAT'S ALL IN YOUR DAMNED HEAD! Her: Never mind. You just don't get it. Toxic Man: No, you just don't get it! You think everything is supposed to be about you, and if someone doesn't wrap themselves around your stupid life you get all in a tizzy about it. Everything has to be your way. You. You. You. Her: Let it rest, will ya? Toxic Man: Let it rest? You've had it in for me ever since you woke up this morning. You can't ever give me a restful minute without being in my face about something I did wrong again. The list goes on and on! You're always playing mind games with me. You're always on my ass about something. YOU ARE NEVER HAPPY! I'm sick and tired of you always being on my ass! You can stay here, I'm going into town, I can't stand to be around you anymore. Here I'm just the houseboy for a bunch of lazy, spoiled kids, anyway. And with that Toxic Man sulks off, feeling sorry for himself. And she feels as if she has been slapped in the face. All she wanted was him to sincerely have empathy and compassion for her; a real, genuine interest in her life; and to acknowledge that he did something that did have a negative effect on her emotions and self esteem. But what happened instead was that she was verbally and psychologically abused, and she was chastised and punished for having a grievance against him, even if it was a legitimate grievance. And to make matters worse she can't even go to her friends and get comforted because she can't even explain to herself what just happened, let alone try to explain to someone else. Seriously, what would she say? That they had an argument and he called her analytical and sulked off? It sounds so trifle. No one could possibly understand that she was just emotionally battered and left to feel uncared for and alone... and to know for a fact that he truly didn't feel he did anything wrong. And it was his Toxicity Issue that caused the argument (which she got blamed for) to begin with. A normal, non-toxic man would have felt really bad for her and bad about his part in causing her pain, and he would have sincerely apologized for his ignorance and his thoughtless behavior. To summarize this argument - and every argument with a Toxic Man - is this: first off, he denies being angry by accusing her of being full of anger herself (projection*). Secondly, he turns his having an issue with control back over to her. He accuses her of being controlling, when, in fact, he is using his anger, his insults, his loud male voice, and his male dominance over her as a means of which to control her. Thirdly, he accuses her of making everything about 'her', yet fails to realize he has turned the argument around from her having an issue with him, back to him and his issues with her almost from sentence one. Next, he patronized and belittled her by telling her that she fakes illnesses to suit the situation; that she is over-analytical; and that people don't like her, but that she's 'just too stuck on herself to see'. Then he says that she is the one that is mistreating him. And finally, he is forced to leave because of 'her mistreatment of him', putting him in the position of being the victim of her selfishness, and he can further add more to his self-pitying and self-justification by having to leave his own home and go to town just to get away from her. Now mind you, in my arguments with my Toxic Man I have recently - on occasions - become somewhat verbal, myself. I first started doing this a few months back to show him just how hurtful words can be. Now I sometimes do it just to hurt him back. I know, childish, huh? But sometimes you can just take so much. Ironically, although Toxic Man can sling a book of insults at you, he won't recognize it in himself - but say just one bad thing to him and he will go ballistic. He will stretch it way out of context and distort it just to fit his self-pitying victim justification. What this means is that if he goes on and on insulting me and I call him a name back, he will dwell on it, reword it to sound much worse than it really was, and then conveniently forget everything bad he said to me. Now I guess you can say I 'verbally abused' him too, but in reality I was doing three things: number one, trying to show him how words can hurt; number two, fighting back instead of just standing there being a victim; and number three, trying to repeal his battering of my soul. My verbal insults are not 'abuse', but rather a symptom of the disease of being abused. But Toxic Man cannot take any insult at all. You can build up his ego constantly, and tell him dozens of compliments a day, but say one bad thing once a year and he will never forgive you. My Toxic Man can slew insults and sarcastic innuendoes at me all day, but if I say one thing in return, or in self defense of my wounded and battered soul, he dwells on it forever. And I mean forever. He remembers one bad name said to him years ago, yet can't remember the thousands (millions) of good things said to him each and every week. He remembers his ex-wife called him selfish. He remembers his ex-wife called him a hypochondriac. See. Two words in 17 years of marriage and he still holds it against her. (FOUND ONLINE: Men who are Toxic rarely consider that they might be abusive, even if the stresses of the relationship lead into what might be considered reactive abuse, anyone who honestly tries to adjust to the other person's actual needs, actively listens to the other person, and makes every attempt to stop such behavior, probably is not an abuser. Abusers do not take responsibility for their own actions, and in fact often blame the abused. When the abused person reacts to the abuse, the abuser calls that reaction abuse, and will use guilt to try to get the abused to feel responsible for the arguments or difficulties, as well as for the abuser's actions [you made me do it, it is ALL YOUR FAULT!].) This is one of the reasons getting away from your Toxic Man is so important. Everything clarifies then. Silent Treatment and The Toxic Man The Silent Treatment - A Form of Abuse Silent treatment is a form of banishing someone from the abuser's existence without the benefit of closure or a good bye or a chance at reconciliation. In a word..it's meant to torture someone you profess to love. Should I meet someone again who uses this tactic just once he will not get another chance. Because the silent treatment is something that the abuser repeats over and over again. The silent treatment is CONTROL, and a safe means for them to avoid any 'uncomfortable' topics, issues in the relationship, or issues within himself (or herself). The silent treatment is a method the abuser uses to 'kill' you for something you have done. In a sense, you have been psychologically 'murdered' by them, but your physical life goes on. In my current relationship I have spent more days getting the 'silent treatment' than not. Yes - I believe it is the 'worst' of the Toxic Man's emotional abuse tactics - and this is where I have been most harmed and damaged, and where I will need most of my healing from. At my age I definitely don't need this. Relationships aren't supposed to be about pain and hurt. Why in goodness name I have allowed myself to suffer through all his forms of power, control, and abuse for years will be a forever question mark in my mind. I used to love him, even when I was angry with him, or hurt by him. My love stopped during the last episode - or maybe the one before. I really can't remember when my heart shut off the love valve. Maybe it was a gradual thing. However, the love is gone, truly gone - and this current episode just made me commit to not going back into the relationship. Truth be told, if I were to walk in on him today and find he had died from a heart attack or something, I think I would just be relieved, and not experience any grief or sadness at all. I know that sounds inhuman and evil, but what abused partner hasn't wished for the abuser to just stop abusing, even if it's by death? As with most abusers, the Toxic Man who withholds affection are in denial over their own abuse. They may use the excuses: I needed to have some space I thought you needed some space I was feeling depressed and didn't want to drag you down with me I thought we both need a cooling off period I felt threatened/insulted/hurt and reacted with fear and isolation I just needed some time alone to think I didn't want to fight You told me to leave you alone Problems from my past came up and I needed to sort them out Of course these excuses are just one more way for the abusers to blame somebody or something else for his abuse. Some victims of the Silent Treatment have said: "He uses it to punish me on a regular basis" "I've had times where my husband used this tactic on me so bad, that I ended up wishing that he would just hit me and get it over with-why? Because at least then I would know I existed, and that I wasn't a ghost or invisible." "I've learned to love the silent treatment. For years, it devastated me and I felt that it was the worst of the abuse...but it's not...at least not for me....and yes, I felt that it was a punishment. It made me feel not important, subhuman...like I didn't even exist." "That's all it took & he wouldn't speak for days sometimes. Then he would start talking like nothing was ever wrong. Ignore your problems & keep up a front. I couldn't live like that anymore." "There was no rhyme or reason, it could happen at any time, go on for days and usually erupted into an outburst of rage. Trying to figure it out, was mind boggling and yes, punishment!" The reality is (in most cases) that the more someone ignores you the more you actually want to resolve the problem. It's almost an involuntary need on the part of the person being ignored. And that's the whole point to the ignorer. It puts them in control AND it gets them attention. However, that's in most cases - in my case the more he pulled the silent treatment, the more I saw him as a very emotionally-sick and an immature, abusive person and the LESS I wanted to resolve our problems. I would just pray for him to leave, or sometimes I would fantasize that I was in another healthy, loving relationship, and that he and I didn't even exist as a couple, or I would pack up some clothes and try to leave myself. Of course, part of his 'control' was in knowing the fact that I couldn't leave my children or my job...which I would have had to do to leave my home. This gave him all the authority and power over me as he so chose. But that authority and control truly isn't love - that controlling power and abuse is an insecure person's way of trying to not be abandoned - by abandoning you, and probably when you needed them the most. This way they feel that they had a psychological and emotional hold on you. That you can't abandon them. The problem is, are they too stupid to realize that being abandoned is exactly the result that they will eventually get? To be abandoned by their victim? Maybe not always physically abandoned, as abused people can take abuse for years and years. But they abandon their abusers mentally and emotionally, closing their hearts and souls to them, and killing any love at all they may have once felt for the abuser. Isn't that leaving? I should think so! Abuse is abuse. And abuse is never ok. In one way though, the silent treatment is far worse than other forms of abuse, because it indirectly says to you that you are not a person, you are an object, you are invisible because they choose to make you so because you are not worthy of their time. THAT is one of the most hurtful and abusive things to do in my book. It is a horrible feeling, being ignored and denied affection. For me personally the silent treatment was dished out when I did something he didn't like, when I was wrong, or when I showed him he was wrong. The link was as clear as flipping a switch and seeing the light go out. POW, KABOOM! I got punished and he wouldn't speak with me for days on end, including choosing to not even be in the same physical area with me. He would hide away or disappear for hours, and even sleep sitting upright in a desk chair every night for up to a week (or more) just to avoid being in the same room with me. He was almost childlike in his behavior. I finally said, "screw this". I couldn't live like that anymore. So now we have the 'abusive' Toxic Man. Toxic Man Trait Number One: abuse. But Toxic Man doesn't just mean an abuser. Oh, no, there is more...much more! But before we get into that, let me assure you that - and as you pretty well know if you have your own Toxic Man - just like with all abusers, there are some awesome loving periods in between his Toxicity! He can be the most wonderful man in the world. But, even in those 'normal' periods you know Toxic Man is but just 'one-wrong-action-on-your-part' away, and you find it increasingly more difficult to enjoy the good times! But, you may find that as the abuse escalates, the in-between periods become shorter and shorter and eventually they just 'disappear' all together as the Toxic Man becomes more and more toxic/ Another issue that I have found escalates with you as his toxicity-level increases is that of insecurity, mistrust, and jealousy. See in the beginning - when he was in the courtship stage - you felt secure and loved. Now, when he shows so much disrespect, unkindness, and disinterest in you, it is only logical for you to feel very uncomfortable when you see another woman by him. Add to this fact, the Toxic Man, by his very nature, is a charmer and has deep needs of getting his ego stroked. Once he reveals his Toxic Nature to us, he no longer gets his ego stroked by our adoration of him, and this makes him very susceptible to getting his ego stroked by an outside source. Toxic Men often become sex addicts and chronically unfaithful mates. Ironically, they often become the ones that become jealous should you have a male friend. This is called 'projection'. PROJECTION Toxic Men often have a way of twisting things around, and turning issues around, so much so that you start to feel like you are going crazy. One of the ways they do this is called 'projection'. This is a process where they take all their own issues, faults, or flaws, and project them onto you. It is strange how well they can do this. If you think about it, isn't it more likely that what your Toxic Man accuses you of, is actually what he, himself, is guilty of? The problem is so many of us eventually begin to believe that we are horrible or crazy. This is what happens to victims of emotional, verbal, psychological, or mental abuse. We start to feel depressed, inferior, etc. You don't see it happening...it sneaks up on you so slowly that you don't even hear it coming. We walk away from the confrontation - or the relationship - feeling ugly; shameful; needy; insecure; incapable; clumsy; inadequate; can't measure up; unlovable and unloved; nagging; jealous; brow-beating; over-controlling; fat/skinny; butchy; bitchy; insulting; uncaring; stupid; unpopular; and more. Believe me, the words that are said to you by a Toxic Man can more readily apply to him... Think about it! Take every bad thing your Toxic Man says about you and then ask yourself, does that description more easily describe him or I? I bet it's him! Go ahead–try it! What does your Toxic Man accuse you of being? Controlling? Angry? Bitter? Manic-depressive? Self-centered? Self-pitying? Self-absorbed? Demanding? Never happy? Mistrusting? Unloyal? Dramatic? Out of control? Insecure? Uncaring? See! All works by Tigress Luv ~Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Everything I've Done - I've Done for You. Abandoning those you love.... Yes, it hurts like hell to get dumped, abandoned, rejected, or left for another. You have given and given and given your all to a relationship... and what do you get in return? In return you get to have the person you were most attached to, willfully and purposely withdraw their love for you, and detach from you. Getting abandoned sucks! But, I am going to write to you right now via the perspective of being the one who does the abandoning. As a 'dumper'. Let me tell you, being the one that makes the decision to leave a relationship - well, that hurts like hell, too! I am, at this moment, preparing to leave a man. And this guy is going to hurt like hell. And I know it. And I feel bad - I really, really do. And I know exactly what he is going to say - and I know how very true those words will be. He will say: "Everything I've done - I've done for you." "I give you everything I can." "I would always be faithful to you." "I care for you and worry about you." "I'm good to your children. I love them." "I love you so much I want to make you my wife." "I would never hurt you." "I only wanted you to be happy." "Your smile I live for." And, he can honestly say to himself that these things are true - because theyare true. But I am leaving him anyway. Here's why: "Everything I've done - I've done for you." Yes, this is true. You basically have become a love-slave.You sacrificed your friendships, you see them no more - lest I get a life and visit my friends, too. You quit your job - to make sure I didn't do anything or go anywhere while you were gone at work. Every move you make - you make to keep me prisoner. "I give you everything I can." Yes, you do. Unfortunately, because you have quit your job to 'watch over' me, I pay for it all out of my hard-earned money. I would rather pay the rent then have you buy me flowers with my money because you are 'sorry' about what you did 'last night'. "I would always be faithful to you." I've no doubt of that. You are so codependent on me that you can't even go to the service station without me on the passenger seat right next to you. Or is this because you are so hideously insecure that you can't 'trust' me to be alone for five minutes? Women are not cunts, whores, bitches, and sluts that are having affairs if they can't account for every second that they are 'out of your sight'. "I care for you and worry about you." How sweet. Like the time you knocked the doors off of the bedroom closet in a rage because I was too ill to have sex. The times you yelled at me and belittled me and made me feel weak and dirtied. You controlled my personal space and time. Your bedtime is not neccessarily my bedtime. "I'm good to your children. I love them" Yes, you are good to them and I do believe you love them. As a matter of fact, you are GREAT with my children. To the outside world this looks wonderful. Nobody knows the real you. But I do. You give the children a good time, take them fishing, give them hugs, do things with them, buy them treats - earn their love, trust, and faith....this is why they believe you when, as you're hugging them, you sweetly and softly whisper in their ear that their mother is a 'whore'. "If you're having a bad day, I don't mind helping you with the housework, or letting it slide for a day." How kind of you. How truly, truly kind. I remember you vehemently vacuuming the living room (even though it didn't need it). I remember you coming home with the flu and a fever and having to wash the walls in the hallway because you thought 'I was having trouble breathing'. Yes, to the outside world this might have looked grand. But to me, who knows you well, it was an act of control and martyrdom. Translation: Instill guilt on me at every opportunity. Next time I'm having a bad day I will - for sure - clean your home. "I love you so much I want to make you my wife." You want to make sure I'm unavailable to other men. If another man so much as looks at me, or talks to me, you rush over and shove your hand out to shake his, "nice to meet you. This is my girl you're talking to." Why don't you just lift your leg and piss on me? "I would never hurt you." Too bad you can't remember what you do when you are drunk. Which is like 8 days a week. "I only wanted you to be happy." Really? Yes, perhaps that's true. You wanted me to be happy 'owned' by you. You wanted me to be happy without any 'life' left in me. You wanted me to be happy in giving up my world and dying for you. You wanted me to be happily enslaved by you. If you truly wanted me to be happy, then why do you rule me, abuse me, hold me prisoner, use me, keep me? Why do you make me needy? Why do you steal all my options, all my freedom, all my independence, so I have to be totally dependent on you? Why do you deprave me of the very air I need to breathe? Why have you crushed my spirit? Why am I an empty shell where there once was life? Was not your point to enslave me psychologically? To have absolute and unrestricted control over me? To annihilate my self-esteem so I wouldn't leave you? To become more manageable of me? "Your smile I live for." Then you must be blind or dead, because - in case you haven't noticed - I haven't smiled in months. I'm physically sick every day, and the constant stress and pressure - and fear - is only making me more ill. I fear I will die if I am here with you one more day. If you want me to be happy - if you want to see me smile - then you will let me leave you without you stalking me. You will set me free and set your heart free. ....As I write this I am having an anxiety attack - after a day of deep, defeating depression. This is what abuse does to you. It is so easy for people to say, "well leave..". They don't understand how your resources can so gradually be depleted you aren't even aware of it. They don't understand how the isolation can be so enveloping that you wake up one day and realize you haven't any friends left. They don't realize how the abuser can be so subtle and crafty that you become 'needy' before you're even aware of it. They just say, "why doesn't she walk..?" and then they get angry if you don't. And you don't walk. Because. Because... Denial - Some people truly don't believe they are being abused. Financial - Not only do most women make less money than a man, a lot of abused women can't work because their partner won't let them. Abusers, too, withhold money, checking account, credit cards, etc, . leaving the abused financially needy, taking away important resources needed for her to leave. This issue is compounded when there are children involved. Fear - Making threats to kill or harm the abused party, pets, or family members - should an abused woman chose to leave - is a very effective method abusers use to keep someone in a relationship, which is the goal of the abuser. She may feel, "why leave? He'll just hunt me down and kill me." Also, threatening suicide is a common method the abuser uses to 'keep' his victim. She really, truly does not want to feel responsible for another's pain or death. Love - Most people want their relationships to work. Hope that things will improve, or believing promises of 'change', keep many women in abusive relationships. Children - It is important for children to have good relationships with their father. Most women are compelled to try and hold the family together, innocently unaware that the abusive atmosphere is actually having an adverse affecte on her children. Religion - Many religions discourage divorce. Verse has it that a woman that leaves her husband is a prostitute, and any remarriage is adultery. External Pressures (family, church) - Yes! Abusers are - surprisingly - very well-liked. That's because most abusers are master charmers and bull-shitters. "He was such a nice man." The abuser has two faces: public and private. No place to go - Sometimes, by the time a woman admits or realizes the abuse, her abuser has already succeeded in isolating her from her family, friends, financial resources, and transportation. The Abuser's Main Goal is to Make the Abused Feel Worthless - This is to ensure that she will stay with him. As many abused women state, "no one else would ever love me. I am a miserable failure. Ugly, stupid, bad lover, can't cook, lousy mother..." "I deserve this abuse, I am a bad person. It's all my fault." She's Too Compassionate - The abuser can really come off as a pathetic lost child - so misunderstood. A compassionate woman often stays with an abuser because she feels so sorry for him. "No one else understands him the way I do." She Mistakes His Abuse for Love - Face it, who could ever love you so intensely and consuming as the abuser can? Sometimes the abuse actually feels good! This is one of those 'unadmitted' facts about abuse, that the intense jealousy and need someone has on you is actually an ego boost! "Wow - does he love me! I must be great and no where else could I find someone who will ever love me this deeply. I am wonderful!" Ugh!!! Yes, I am about to abandon my man. And yes, he will grieve. And yes, he may find a breakup board, or a grief board, and write a post that says something like this: "My love of my life just left me. I am so devastated. How will I survive? I love her. Everything I did - I did for her. I gave her everything I could. I never would have cheated on that woman, I loved her so much. I worried about her. I loved her children. I miss them so much. I miss her too. This is terrible. What could have gone wrong? I was so good to her. I wanted her to be my wife. I never would have hurt her. I only wanted her to be happy. How can I go on, when I lived for her smile? Oh, won't someone please help?" And he will sound like a truly great man, grief-stricken by the woman he loved so much. Don't think this doesn't hurt me - the abandoner. It hurts like hell. But I won't die for love. I need to breathe again. To smile again. To not be sick and live in fear. I need to stop walking around on egg-shells. I need to feel safe, and accepted, and trusted, and I need to feel like I am giving my love freely - not like it is being coerced out of me by threats and guilt and fear. It's not just the abandoned that hurt. ~~Tigress Luv NOTE: To all who have answered this - Thank you for your show of support! Abuse is the unbelievable psychological horror. You can't help but initially fall in love with the abuser (before the abuse becomes evident) - abusers can be such charmers! They are the extreme of both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - however Mr. Hyde is well-hidden in the initial stages of the relationship. You almost become addicted to their intense love, but before you realize you are being abused you are suckered into the life. Abuse is so subtle, and sneaks up on you so inconspicuously, that you aren't even aware of the abuse. I know I wasn't in the beginning. I just told myself, 'he's moody' 'he's worried', 'something happened at work' 'his first wife made him distrustful' etc. But then you just wake up one morning and realize your 'innocent zest' for life - your beautiful free spirit - exists no more. And you feel empty and without hope and joy. Your eyes betray your false show of cheerfulness around your children/co-workers/friends. Your shoulders sag, and you have become hypervigilent to EVERYTHING! Thank you for your words. Yes, it does hurt. AND it's scary! Will he follow me? Stalk me? Hunt me down and kill me? Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man The Letter The following is a letter I wrote to a woman who emailed me. She had found that after gaining some weight the man who was with her had refused to 'love' her the way she was. Her letter described torrents of abuse, infidelity, and disdain from a man she proposed to 'love'. Hello, First off, let me say that when I read your letter I was so moved emotionally that I honestly had to 'put it away' for a day before I was able to even answer it. I want you to know how very sorry I am for all this emotional pain and turmoil you are going through. You must realize that this pain of yours has to 'stop', don't you? I will try to answer your letter - in my own opinion, of course. You have the right to listen to me, or to disregard what I say. Whatever your choice is, let me warn you that you probably won't like what I have to say to you - at all! I can see from your letter that you, like me, are and can be perfectly content with yourself and your own company. Unfortunately, somewhere over the course of the last year you have forgotten that. Somewhere over the course of the last year you have lost yourself into that of another. I know all about the 'soulmate' image we can create in our minds. I, myself, had always believed that there was only one true soulmate for each of us - and even that I had met mine (he died in our fourth year together). But, if you think about it, isn't it amazing that our 'one and only' not only happens to exist on our planet, and in our solar system - but in our lifetime, usually live within 100 miles of us, and are even in the same age range! What a coincidence! In other words, one and only soulmate - humbug! You seem like a very intelligent, astute woman who has a good head on her shoulders and is not easily persuaded by charm. Yet, what scares me is how much you are willing to change 'you' and how much 'garbage' you are willing to take just to have this man in your life. Another thing that amazes me is that you tend to stick up for him, completely abolishing him from any wrong-doing. You seem to have an excuse for everything he has done, i.e. it was because of depression/sexual needs/lack of physical attraction/not wanting to hurt me, etc. Why can you not see this man for the selfish liar that he has proven himself to be - over and over again? (Told you you wouldn't like what I had to say.) I don't really believe that you are that 'desperate' to have a mate that you would put up with this, but I do believe you have subconsciously put your blinders on to the true facts about him - maybe out of your 'need' to have him in your life. I often wonder why people are so willing to completely change themselves into that of another person just to 'keep' a mate? You must be 'you', or you will forever be living a lie. Your mate must love you for 'you' or you will forever be walking on eggshells, trying not to let the 'real you' slip out. Who wants to live like that? Too, there seems to be a lot of misunderstood issues in the bedroom area and I have to wonder; do you always want to spend your sex-life together worrying that you are doing something wrong, or too unaggressive, too overweight, not firm enough, not assertive enough - or that any minute he could put a 'sex ad' in the paper looking for more because you didn't satisfy him? In fact, I really have to question the faithfulness of this man from day one. Obviously, this man does not want to communicate with you on a serious level. He wants to keep things light and airy - in other words, he wants his cake and eat it too. He wants to have you in his life, but not have to feel obligated or committed to you. It's always been my opinion ( and proven to me time and again) that one cannot remain 'just friends' with someone that they are in love with, or sexually involved with. It's just NOT possible. And, no, I don't believe he is going through such a 'self-discovery' process that you should remain meekly (and weakly) in the sidelines waiting for him - hoping beyond hope that he won't find another. Why would you want a man that feels he has to sow all his wild oats somewhere else before plowing your fields? His 'want ad' seeking a "more sexually aggressive woman, that is not as 'fat'" has me concerned. This man, and his 'sex-want' ads, obviously has some major 'issues' that you are choosing to ignore. He is not someone I would want to spend my life with, nor father my children. Could you honestly ever relax with a man like that? Do you think that perhaps you are 'glamorizing' him and your time together in the past, simply because the thought of being out of a relationship is too painful? I have to wonder if you are subconsciously making him and the relationship better than it actually was? I sense, too, some 'control' and 'power' issues on his part. Verbal abuse? As most abusers can be, did he come on strong and charming? Did he make you feel special? Possibly, this man was such a charmer (as most abusers are) that you really did think the relationship was wonderful, and he was wonderful - and you will remain adamant to those beliefs - even at the cost of your emotional well-being. This is called psychological-abduction and is very common in verbally/emotionally abusive relationships. Before they are even aware of it, the abused becomes a 'walking-disciple' of the abuser, completely entranced by the abusers 'control' over them. And without logical reasoning. It is apparant that this man has proven himself to be a liar over and over again, and has insulted you, making you appear to be at fault. This is a form of mental/verbal/emotional abuse and if continued will only escalate. Do you want to be with a man that you can't trust, a man who's word is about as good as last week's bread? a man that makes you feel inferior? A man that makes you feel that if only you could 'fix' this or that about yourself than everything would be okay? A man that can take a reasonably secure, self-confident woman and subtly turn her into an emotional basket-case in a matter of a few months? You say that you believe the type of woman he is looking for is 'you', except for a few minor exceptions, i.e. 'overweight' and 'sexual issues/misunderstandings'. Those are not 'minor' exceptions! Those are major exceptions! Also, it seems like you are very willing and eager to 'change' in order to be his 'dream woman'. You also feel that if you are just given more time/chances to be more sexually aggressive, or thinner, or this, or that - that you can change his mind. Gimme a break! Don't you, at some point, want to be 'you'? Which, I believe, is not a thin, sexually aggressive woman. Maybe you should stop trying to be what "he's looking for" and start concentrating on what "you're looking for" - and, no, he's not the "one-and-only" man for you. I believe you have, perhaps, 'molded him' (in your mind) into your one-and-only, but that might be because you desperately wanted him, or needed him, to be. Remember, like me, you were once perfectly content with your own company. My personal opinion is for you to try and forget about him. Don't contact him again. Don't confront him on his lies. Give him back to himself and move on with your life. Thank God for bringing him into your life for a while, and then let go and let God (or kismet) lead your life where it may. Who knows what waits around the next corner? By letting go and moving on you are forcing him to do one of two things. One, if he TRULY loves you he will 'wake up' and seek you, wanting to reconcile. Or two, he will let you go and move on (which he seems to have done already, anyway). One of these two things is the only answer you'll need. You can't keep trying to remain in his life by changing the both of you - trying to mold you both into the 'perfect soulmates' fantasy. It just doesn't work that way! It only succeeds in making you crazy with grief, and worry, and stress, and anxiety. This whole situation is obviously tearing you apart, as the pain that was evident in your letter tore me apart. My heart just wept for you. As painful as it may sound, you really need to let this man go (at least for now) and back off from him and the relationship. Get back to 'you' and your life. Most people are afraid that if they back off a little that the object of their affection will move on and eventually forget about them. But, ironically, the real reason is that they, themselves, are afraid that if they back off that THEY will forget about the object of their affection, and they don't want to do this. They are so 'in need' of having someone to love that the fear of losing that love is all-consuming. My advice remains the same - let it go. Let him go. Give him back to himself. Trust God to lead you. God probably has some wonderful plans for you, but you'll never know what they are if you stand adamant in this 'limbo' - refusing to take that bend in the road and go around that 'unchartered' corner. A great way to rediscover yourself is to walk. Go for a walk. Today. Tomorrow. Every day. If you ever want to meet 'you' just take off walking! Not only do you get to know 'you' again (something we lose sight of in a relationship) but you end up losing weight, having great legs, and a terrific tan! Again, I am very sorry if I seem to be cruel in my answer. That is not my intention! My intent is to help you find yourself again. "A man who cannot see past an 'imperfect' body, also cannot see past a 'perfect' one." ~by Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man by Tigress Luv 1. Relationships cannot survive without commitment. Both commitment to each other and to the relationship. Make a conscious commitment to your relationship and to your partner. Work on eliminating blame, criticism, and invalidation from your side. If you are guilty of it, accept your responsibility and apologize to your partner. Try to understand your motivating reasons behind your undesired behavior. Every day make the effort to do at least one loving/caring act towards your partner! 2. Your partner needs to be appreciated as much as you do. Make an effort to express more appreciation for all those little things your partner does for you. Often, the little things go unnoticed but add up to so much more than the big things. Taking the garbage out, folding the laundry, making dinner, bringing them a cold drink, fixing the hair dryer, or even putting the toilet seat down! 3. Acceptance is key to successful relationships. No matter what, you have to accept every thing about your partner. If there is something about him/her that you simply cannot accept then the relationship probably is in trouble. Remember, acceptance is NOT approval. For instance, your partner may be an alcoholic. This is not your choice, it is theirs. It is also not your place to cure them - it is theirs. In the same respect though, it is your place to accept them for who they are and what they are - to accept that they are an alcoholic. But, in no way, does acceptance mean that you have to approve! Acceptance and approval are not the same thing. Period. 4. Honestly take a look at your role in any relationship problems. Yes, you can change other people - simply by changing yourself! 5. Be aware of how you communicate! Are you guilty of hearing in a defensive mode and speaking in an offensive mode? Do you 'act' or 'react'? 6. Your partner is not a mind reader. Be specific when asking for something, or relaying your needs. If necessary, write them down on paper if talking about them makes you uncomfortable. 7. Sometimes the biggest mistakes we can make is to think that relationships are something we have to 'work' at. Stop 'working' on your relationship! Develop good communication skills, acceptance, appreciation, commitment, and trust. The relationship will follow. 8. Be aware that power struggles and insecurities often masquerade themself as love. This is false love. True love is supportive. For more insight on true and false love read the online webBook,How to Get Over a Breakup, and for help in saving your relationship, mending bad relationships, and stopping your breakup or divorce readHow to STOP a Breakup. 9. Most relationships can be 'salvaged', transformed, and bettered. Breaking up and moving on doesn't solve the problem as any 'issues' you may have will follow you into any new relationships. ~by Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Anger, Acceptance, and Forgiveness.... Hi everyone. Someone recently wrote me an email inquiring about the difference between anger, acceptance, and forgiveness. I am sorry I didn't get back to them, but recently had some personal problems that prevented me from answering my emails. So I apologize for my lapse in response time. I believe it is so possible to find forgiveness, BOTH (key word) for yourself and for your ex. You are both human, and humans make mistakes. Right? You messed up, your ex messed up. So what! Are we not all far from perfect entities? Yes, you can find forgiveness, but forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean that what you are saying is that it was 'okay' that they hurt you/cheated on you/beat you - or whatever. It is just saying that you forgive them for 'whatever' because they are only human and humans make mistakes. What most distinguishes us from other animals are - unfortunately - greed, lust, pride, and the uncanny ability to reason and rationalize everything we do to satisfy our wants (often mistaken as needs)...hence, we are only human and human's make mistakes. So, yes, it is very possible to find forgiveness to someone who has wronged you, and for yourself, too...without saying that what they did (or you did) is 'okay'. Secondly, it is very hard to find forgiveness without first finding acceptance. Acceptance is in realizing that you and others have the 'right' to be who they are, and to want what they want. Even if it goes against your wishes, wants, and desires - they still have the right to pursue their own course in their own life. Peace comes when you accept that they have the right to do just that. But, now anger - anger has a way of growing in you like a demon and undermining all your well-meaning efforts to forgive and accept - and move on. Anger is usually the first emotional expression of grief. It simply means you are grieving a situation's or person's control over you. If you experience a loss through death you may get angry at God for stealing control over your desire to keep the loved one with you. If you experienced a divorce because of infidelity you may get angry for your lack of control over the situation. Anger is a perfectly normal, acceptable, and welcomed part of the grieving process. It would be absolutely ridiculous to believe you shouldn't be angry about a failed relationship. You worked hard at your relationship, gave it so much time, accepted it into your life as a very special part of it. Sometimes, when we feel consumed by anger that seems to be centered at someone else, it really is misdirected anger at ourselves. Such as the woman who is angry at her abusive husband. Could it be misdirected anger at herself for not finding the strength, willpower, and courage to cut free of him? Could she be angry at herself for allowing him to steal her dignity and self-esteem? These are angry emotions that can be misdirected to another source. They don't benefit you at all. They don't incite you into action, or release injustices. They just burn hate into your very heart and soul, consuming your inner peace and joy. Again, this is just my opinion. Hugs to all! Tigress (Tig) ~by Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man When Love Ends U nless you are one of those fortunate few who met their soulmate in grade school, married right out of high school, and spent the next 60 years in wedded bliss you are going to go through what millions before you have gone through, and what millions after you will go through - a broken heart. The pain experienced during a breakup is as individual as the millions of people who go through it. While some simply shake the dust off and get right back into the dating game, others are left so devastated that they never date again, spending the rest of their life in bitter solitude. Why the difference? Could some of us just be stronger than others? Do some people love harder than others? Are some loves more connected than others?For most of us who experience a breakup a normal grieving period will occur: Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance. But for some, the grief and devastation are so severe that they end up hospitalized, and even suicidal. Others remain either bitter or so afraid of getting hurt that they never date again, closing off their hearts to just about everyone. Yet, some don't even grieve at all, subconsciously choosing to simply transfer their feelings for one person immediately onto that of another person in what is called a rebound relationship. Why the variation? Well, a lot of it has to do with our loving style. There are many loving styles ranging from the very healthy, to the desperately needy. While one person may love another in a supportive and healthy way, another person may cling onto their mate simply as a way to fix what they imagine to be wrong with themselves. They use their partner as a method of dealing with their own imagined inadequacies or feelings of unworthiness - feeling good only as long as they are in the relationship. Others simply like the 'high' of being in love. This high becomes addictive to them and they hop from one relationship instantly into another - often times head-over-heels in love by the second date. They recklessly seek 'love' much as an addict will seek a 'fix', and are often so in need of being in love that they imagine their partners to have all the qualities they are looking for in a mate - whether their partners actually possess these qualities or not. Still others simply surrender themselves into their relationships quickly losing themselves and their own sense of individuality, becoming 'the relationship'. Should the relationship end, then shall they, too. A healthy view of oneself, one's partner, and one's relationship is essential to withstanding the ups, and downs, in our eternal search for that special someone to share our lives with. Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man by Tigress Luv LEARNING TO LOVE THE EMOTIONAL, PHYSICAL, AND MENTAL YOU STEP: 1 TOUGH love YEP! Tough love, that's how we learn to love ourselves. Guess what, here are the facts (and you probably won't like them, but this is my TOUGH love method of teaching you to love yourself)...you are STUCK with yourself for the rest of your life, whether you like it or not, kind of a scary thought, huh? But, them's the FACTS. You will never be anybody but YOU, so you better learn to accept yourself. That's the key---ACCEPTANCE of yourself. Yes, it helps to give yourself encouraging little "I am valuable, I am lovable, I am..." reminders though-out the day, but they really won't help you reach your established goal if you don't first ACCEPT yourself for who you are!!! So, the key to being able to love yourself is ACCEPTANCE. Here is a method to help you reach your goal faster: Make a list of everything (don't leave anything out) that you don't like about yourself...and be honest. For instance, my teeth are too big, my hair is too thin, I can't manage my own checking account, I am no good at dancing, I am too forgetful, I'm too meek...etc. And then read over your list, stopping at each one and say to yourself "yep, my teeth ARE too big, but they are MY teeth and I'm STUCK with them for the rest of my life so I will learn to accept that about me." When you are done with this make another list of everything you like about yourself (this is NO time to be modest), for instance, I'm a very good cook, I have nice hands, I have a great singing voice, my garden is beautiful, I have a very compassionate heart, etc. Now go back over that list, stopping at each one and applaud yourself by saying, "yep, I am a very good cook, my friends all envy me, but it just seems to come so naturally for me. I am FORTUNATE to have this uniqueness and it will be with me for the rest of my life." Just remember you are STUCK with who you are for the rest of your life and learn to ACCEPT that of which is you. The love will follow, trust me! God made you in His image. Do you not see the beauty of You now? LEARNING TO LOVE THE EMOTIONAL, PHYSICAL, AND MENTAL YOU STEP: 2 POSITIVE feedback The issue is "how can you increase your self-esteem and become happier and more emotionally successful in your life". The hardest obstacle you face is to gain personal appreciation and acceptance of who you are. Probably easier said than done, but, none the less, it CAN be done. You need to learn to give yourself positive feedbacks, until you have reached the point where you feel that you are the valuable person that you really are. We do not will our hearts to beat, our lungs to breathe. We cannot will ourselves to be other than what we are. There are certain things about my emotional and physical make-up that I, too, absolutely wish I could change. But the facts remain that I cannot change them, and I have even learned to appreciate the uniqueness that is mine. Okay, for starters I'll start beating myself up by saying my feet are too big, my hair is too course, I am short-waisted, I have scarring on my right hand, my upper lip is too thin, I am too old, my voice is too deep, blah-blah-blah....do you see where that train of thought will lead me? Not a very pretty, comfortable place! I bet if you really looked around you, and I'm not talking about commercialized people who are chosen for their absolute (and usually artificial) perfection to represent the human race (those models make me gag LOL) but really looked around you at other people, look at the woman or man standing in the check-out line in front of you, the lady or gentleman at the laundromat, your acquaintances at church, you will see that you are not that bad. It's when you zero in and focus on a perceived perfection that you will feel you can never measure up. You will always feel 'not as good', not as 'pretty', not as 'smart', 'sexy', etc - especially if you compare yourself to 'models'. Soon you will start to feel very depressed and negative. And your negativity will show. Everywhere you go, there your negativity is! Now, what horrible, burdensome baggage to bring along with you on your one-and-only journey through life! Let go of the baggage, life is too short and your life is just for YOU, not for what you think others might think of you. (Which, incidentally, they don't!) You must keep telling yourself these simple truths: "I am lovable, worthwhile, useful, purposeful. I am significant, I belong, my impact spreads beyond others. My frustrated expectations (of myself) are the only cause of my stress and limits to my happiness". I will repeat that last statement..."MY frustrated expectations are the ONLY cause of my stress and limits to my happiness!" If you can redirect your negative thoughts to positive ones, you will find that you are a very special and unique person, but if you get caught in a negative frame of mind you will never emerge from your cocoon and become that beautiful FREE butterfly that you are. In a negative frame of mind, we exaggerate negative thoughts about ourselves. You are very special. We are all very special. Beauty comes from that belief, not from a nose job. Outer, external beauty fades with age and experience, no matter who you are, but inner beauty only grows and increases with age and experience. You have within you, right now, everything you need to deal with whatever the world can throw at you. And you deserve the very best because of who you are, not how you see yourself. ARE SOME PEOPLE JUST BETTER THAN OTHERS? I posted this a while back, but maybe it is suitable here so I will repost. I hope it helps lift you up in hope. Believe it or not God DID create all men equal...meaning everything you'll ever need is already there right inside of you. We all have it! We may be different only in the way we are visually perceived, but we all have strength, and courage, and compassion, and will, and dignity, and reasoning, and stamina, and determination. Sometimes we learn to become codependent and lean on others for these qualities, instead of developing our own, but believe me---Nobody has a monopoly on strength, or self-will. Nobody has been more embellished with one virtue than the next. NOBODY is stronger than you. You already have everything you need, right now, inside of you, to move mountains and shape futures! You just need to learn how to reach deep inside where it's lurking, grasp onto it, pull it forth, and then learn to fall back on it, and IT IS THERE..TRUST ME! When God created man He created them in His own image...He did not say unto Himself, "Hmmmmm, I think I'll give Sally over there extra inner-strength, and Michael...well Michael I think I'll skimp on self-will, and then Jessica, well she'll get an extra dose of compassion, where as Lester I'll deny humbleness and humility" --- you get the picture! EVERYTHING you need to create a lifetime of happiness is already inside you, you just need to trust that you are just as God intended---His image, no better nor worse, no weaker nor stronger-- than the rest of mankind! LEARNING TO LOVE OUR 'SOULS' STEP:3 SURROUND yourself with friends and family A certain man planted a rose and watered it faithfully, and before it blossomed, he examined it. He saw the bud that would soon blossom and also the thorns. And he thought, "How can any beautiful flower come from a plant burdened with so many sharp thorns?" Saddened by this thought, he neglected to water the rose, and before it was ready to bloom, it died. So it is with many people. Within every soul there is a rose.The God-like qualities planted in us at birth grow amid the thorns of our faults. Many of us look at ourselves and see only the thorns, the defects. We despair, thinking that nothing good can possibly come from us. We neglect to water the good within us, and eventually it dies. We never realize our potential. Some people do not see the rose within themselves; someone else must show it to them. One of the greatest gifts a person can possess is to be able to reach past the thorns and find the rose within others. This is the characteristic of love, to look at a person, and knowing his faults, recognize the nobility in his soul, and help him realize that he can overcome his faults. If we show him the rose, he will conquer the thorns. Then will he blossom, blooming forth thirty, sixty, a hundred-fold as it is given to him. Our duty in this world is to help others by showing them their roses and not their thorns. Only then can we achieve the love we should feel for each other; only then can we bloom in our own garden. ~Author Unknown~ I hope you see the beautiful rose inside yourself that is so evident to those of us who support and love you. HUGS, TIGRESS Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man A Letter to God Dear God, Why do You torture me so? When will You ever let my hardships end? When will my endless suffering abate? Why am I so tortured? "But, my child, I have given you everything you want. Why are you tortured so?" Because, God... Oh wait, God, while you are here I want to thank you for my children. My children are such beautiful blessings. Thank you, God, for these wonderful gifts. Thank you for their wit and their charm. Thank you for their health. I will cherish them with every breath I take, and forever be grateful and indebted to You. "You are most welcome, my child. But, please tell me - why are you still tortured so?" Because, God... Oh, and God? I wanted to thank you, again! Thank you for the food on my table, and the roof over my head, and these many precious moments of my life. My life has never been better! "You are welcome, my child. But, please, please, tell me - why are you tortured so?" Because, God... My dear God? Are You still there? Good. I thought You might have left me. I want to thank You for this most latest blessing. This wonderful new man You have placed in my life. How did You know, God, that we would be so perfect for each other? How did you know that the time was finally perfect in both of our lives...that the time was right for us to meet? "I know everything, my child. And you are most welcome. Thank you for your patience. But, please, please, tell me why you are still tortured so." Because, God. I am tortured so because...because now that I have no worries, no griefs, no more battles to fight, and no more strife, I am tortured by the 'peace'. It is unnerving, baffling, and uncomfortable. Tell me God, how can I stop this endless torture and relax in my joy and the gifts You have bestowed upon me? Tell me, my dear God. When will my torture end? "My dear child, don't you know that I send you 'grief' as my biggest gift to you? So that you may have sight to appreciate my other gifts to you? So that you may rejoice in the glory and not be blinded to your blessings. So that you may feel these gifts that I give you?" Oh, thank You, God! I understand fully now! Of all my blessings, my grief was truly my biggest blessing from You, for without it I would not know of all my many other blessings! Thank You, God! Thank You for the gift of grief! Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man Do You Need Relationship Help ?! SIGNS THE ROMANCE HASGONE OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP (for women only :) by Tigress Luv You let one rip in your sleep and don't care if he hears. Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscenities when he hogs the blanket. Chivalry's as dead as the door he lets slam in your face. PMS lasts all month. Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on open display. "Honey, what are you thinking?" is now, "Are you finished yet?!" He yawns when you bitch about that guy hitting on you at work. Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become way too uncomfortable. Two weeks no orgasm. Three weeks no orgasm ... and you still don't miss it. When he lends you five bucks, he expects it back. You'd rather spend quality time with your vibrator. The way he breathes is getting on your nerves. Spouse using your toothbrush to scrub tile grout. Candlelight dinners now illuminated by sticks of dynamite. Spouse has gone from moaning while making love to moaning ABOUT making love. Victoria's Secret? More like K-Mart's Special. The only thigh you see on your anniversary is at KFC. Morning breath no longer gives you that same thrill. Husband's casual suggestions to "try swinging" are growing alarmingly frequent. Your husband wants to adopt a 17 year-old waitress from Hooters. A romantic Saturday night at home now includes Dr.Quinn, Medicine Woman. Husband keeping list of things he'll do after you're finally dead. Request for sex now gets him $100 and a ticket to Vegas. ~Contributed by Tigress Luv Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man End of a Relationship Warning Signs One or both partners may exhibit the following warning signs and changes: Contact: Contact between partners diminishes. Phone calls lessen in frequency or length, emails drop off, and time spent together becomes less and less.Mood Changes & Irritability:One or both partners may be edgy and are often in a bad or depressed mood. Little things about their partner may irritate them and they seem more touchy, sensitive, argumentive, and hypervigilent. Secretive: Is your partner suddenly secretive about where they are going, or who they've been with? Do they whisper when speaking on the phone, or tell the party calling that they'll call them back? The Here & Now:Does one partner suddenly stop talking about the future, or limit plans to 'today'. Does making plans for upcoming events suddenly stop? Separation: Does one or both partners seem to be spending more time with friends, or visiting their family. Do you or your partner some how end up in separate rooms during the evening, or one of you spend more time than usual falling asleep on the couch? Do you plan separate weekend activities? Communication: Does one or both partners avoid in depth conversations, preferring to answer questions or inquiries with a quick 'yes' or 'no'? Does one or both partners get overly absorbed in a t.v. show, or book? Is the table quiet during meals, and the mornings spent with you or your partner's nose stuck in the newspaper? Criticism: Does one or both partners suddenly seem over critical of the other, concentrating on the other's flaws or faults, or perceiving faults where there really isn't any? Does one or both partners exhibit 'delusions', seeing things that are wrong with their partner or relationship, where in reality these really don't exist? Intuitive: Do you just have an 'unexplainable' feeling that there is something wrong with your partner, or the relationship? Do you 'sense' or have a 'gut-feeling' that something is amiss? Distant: Does one or both partners seem to be distant, distracted, or miles away in their thoughts? Is one or both partners daydreaming more than usual? Tigress Luv ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Books by Tigress Luv: Stop your Breakup and Win your Ex-Back into your Arms How to Win Over a Commitment Phobic Man |