Relationship ArticlesPassion, Adventure, Romance, Pirates and Your Love Relationship 5 Reasons Couples Fight and Breakup and What you Can Do About It Friendship: The Second Part of the Love Equation that Leads to aSuccessful, Lasting and Happy Relationship
Passion, Adventure, Romance, Pirates and Your Love Relationship Can you believe it? *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Embracing The Change Around Us after a Breakup or End of a Relationship - By Susie and Otto Collins Whether you're 18 or 80, there's a lot to be learned about love and relationships from a new friend we made last week and here's what happened... We attended the funeral of Otto's good friend's mother, Juanita. Before the service began, a woman sat down beside Susie and after a few minutes, she introduced herself. Her name was Ann and she began telling Susie about her relationship with Juanita--her best friend since the first grade. As Ann reminisced about the wonderful times with her friend, she reminded Susie that change is inevitable and to love the people who come into your life, every moment of every day. Not only was Ann an example of love in action but she was a excellent teacher of graciously accepting the things in your life that you cannot change and moving forward. In that moment of her own pain, she chose to focus on her belief that Juanita was in a better place after her prolonged illness and on their good times together. She went on to say that she had buried two husbands, along with losing this close friend, and yet she continues to focus on the joy and love in her life. We think that Ann is a wonderful example of how to accept change with an attitude of gratitude for what has gone before and openness to possibilities and love. Change in our relationships and in our lives is as inevitable as the sun rising in the morning and setting in the evening. Most of us go through one or several breakups or lose our partner during our lifetime. Those changes can be very painful. Here are some suggestions that we have found to be helpful for accepting change in our relationships and in our lives: 1. Embrace "what is" When large changes happen in our lives, sometimes we would rather avoid looking at the truth and deny that the changes are happening, instead of looking at "what is." One woman called us a few days ago to ask for help to save her relationship. The only problem is that her husband, who has been in counseling for 6 months, has repeatedly asked her for a divorce. In spite of his repeated request, she seems to be holding onto a relationship that he no longer wants to be in. We're not at all suggesting that leaving a relationship or giving up on a relationship is always the best thing to do. In fact, we are great proponents of hope and revitalizing relationships. We're simply pointing out that this woman seemed to not see the "writing on the wall" and to accept his wishes and this change in her life. What we are suggesting is that in your relationships and in your life, you can always... 2. Learn from what happened Embrace every relationship, every moment as a learning experience waiting to happen. Every now and then we'll lose our connection with each other and when we do, we take time to learn from what happened. We try to come up with ways to change that will make our relationship even better. 3. Be in gratitude for what was Like Ann, no matter what has happened in your life and in your relationships, you can always be in gratitude for what has happened. Because the truth is that you are who you are in this moment because of your experiences, the people you've met, and the stories that have touched your life. We've discovered that shifting to being grateful helped ease the pain when dramatic changes rocked our lives and we think that it will do the same in yours. 4. Look at where you are now and determine how you want to begin moving forward in your life We all experience change in our lives and we hope that some of these suggestions are helpful to you as you too begin to open more to possibilities and to love. Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Romantic Things to Do to Keep Your Relationship Vibrant, Alive and Exciting- By Susie and Otto Collins It's often been said that it's the little things in life that makeall the difference.No where is this truer than when it comes to keeping yourrelationship alive, growing and vibrant.Romance can be one of those things that keeps a relationship fresh and exciting. We all have different ideas of what "romance" and "beingromantic" means. There can be a lot of unmet expectations,frustrations and feelings of failure around this idea.We don't think it has to be this way. What being romantic means to us is that we are continuouslydiscovering ways to laugh, love and connect with each otherand deepen our intimacy all the time. To us, romance is what we do on a moment-by-moment and day-by-day basis to make our relationship stronger and morepassionate. Being romantic is a way of showing our deep love for each other. Of all the romantic things to do, we've found that the smallthings make the biggest difference. Here's an example ofwhat happened the other night... Susie went camping for one night with her extended familyand since Otto doesn't like "roughing" it, he stayed home. As she snuggled down in her tent with her sister, Susiecalled Otto on her cell phone to say goodnight. She toldhim that she loved him and missed him. Although a phone call is a pretty normal thing to dobetween people who truly care about one another whenthey are apart, it can be a way to connect and rekindlelove in a romantic way like we did. Romantic things to do for each other are romantic only whenthey create the desired effect within the other person andwithin the relationship. Romance will only create the desiredeffect when it is not done out of obligation or because it isexpected. So what are the best romantic things to do to make yourrelationship more alive? That depends on you and your partner because everyoneis different. Romance is certainly in the eye of the beholder! To some people, a "no-brainer" romantic thing to do is tosend flowers. You can't go wrong with flowers, right? Wrong. You can go wrong with flowers if there is little or no "heart" in the gesture and if there's something else that the otherperson is wanting. Susie's ex-husband often brought her flowers during their 30-year marriage. Although it truly was a wonderful gesture, what she really wanted more was to connect on a deeper level with him. With that being said, here are some ideas around thenotion of romance and being romantic... 1. Pay attention to what your partner likes. If he/she likessurprises, surprise him/her. If not, don't--even if you likesurprises. Pay attention to your partner's favorite things that they seldom indulge themselves in and then do those things. It might be something your partner wouldn't buy or do for themselves like buy a cd of their favorite music. 2. A romantic gesture can be doing a very small thing.It might be after the kids are in bed, getting a bowl of icecream and two spoons--then sharing it. It might be puttingthe kids to bed without being asked. It might be a hug ora foot rub. For Susie, a romantic gesture is when Otto lovingly puts his hand on the back of her neck. 3. Romance can be taking a trip down memory lane.Visit where you went on your first date or some other placethat holds significance for the two of you. It's very romanticfor the two of us to visit the natural setting where we wenton our first date and where we got married. 4. We've heard people say that they are not romantic.If you've never considered yourself to be romantic andnever really wanted to be but your partner would likemore "romance," you can begin by changing your thinking.Instead of thinking that romance is something artificialand outside yourself that you "do," you can begin thinkingthat romance is merely ways of expressing your love thatyour partner will receive and enjoy. 5. What if you want more romance and your partnerdoesn't seem to? Be more romantic and loving yourselfin the way that your partner wants to be loved. Startwith little ways and just see what happens.Romance and being romantic are the things you do that bring you closer together and keep the spark alive.Being romantic and finding romantic things to do is something that you or anyone can do. You just have to open to more possibilities, have the desire create special times with your partner or spouse and allowthe ideas to flow from love. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. 5 Reasons Couples Fight and Breakup and What you Can Do About It Nearly everyone has experienced a relationship breakup or divorce and it can be one of the most painful periods in your life as you try to heal your broken heart. What we have discovered in our relationship coaching practice, many breakups don't have to happen. Here are four ideas to help you better understand why breakups happen and what you can do to prevent them in your relationship. 1. Old Fears Surface. It's to be expected that being in an intimate relationship will inevitable bring up fears and challenges from the past. These might include fearing not being good enough, attractive enough, wealthy enough or even feelings of abandonment. If fears are not expected, looked at and healed, they interfere in some way or another with the health of every relationship. Take some time to notice when the fears surface, be loving with yourself but look inward instead of outward blaming your partner for what clearly is your issue. Ask yourself if your fears are "true" or are you just making "stories" up in your head. If you are creating those "stories" and there's no basis of truth to them, then change your thinking. It's not always easy to do and it takes moment by moment monitoring of your thoughts. If you need help and support to make the changes you want in your life, be courageous enough to get it. 2. Not Feeling Understood, Valued, Loved and Appreciated. Everyone wants to feel understood, valued, loved and appreciated and when we're not, we tend to either withdraw or attack the other person for not meeting our needs. If you want to be appreciated, start appreciating the other people in your life. Sounds simplistic but it really works! If you are not feeling loved, start being open to seeing and feeling love and appreciation that people are giving you that you may not be aware of in your daily life. It may be that someone allows you to go ahead of them in traffic or tells you to go ahead in a grocery line. Send some appreciation back to them and to everyone around you and watch love snowball in your life. 3. Not Making their Relationship a Priority. Many couples take each other for granted and don't give their relationship the attention it needs most of the time. The lack of closeness and connection can be overwhelming and can cause great loneliness. Make your relationship a priority in your life. Set aside time everyday to connect with your partner. We believe that sex happens long before the bedroom. It starts all day long when you have thoughts about your partner--Are these thoughts positive or negative? It continues when you come together--Are you happy to see each other and express love and appreciation or do you great each other with a laundry list of chores, things to be done or grievances? These are just a couple of ways we make our relationship a priority. Try them in yours! 4. One or Both People are Made to Feel They are "Wrong." One of the biggest mistakes people make is that they make each other wrong. As soon as critical words are said, defenses and walls go up and suddenly that person who you love and they love you becomes an "enemy." Before you jump into blaming and judging your partner, stop and take a moment to breathe. Ask yourself if making your partner wrong will drive you further apart or move you closer toward healing. Open your heart to understanding the dynamics of what's going on between the two of you. Understand the full story before you start making someone wrong. So often we assume to know what is in someone's heart and we really don't. Take the time to find out! *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Instant Relationship Breakthroughs pt.1 - By Susie and Otto Collins Some people believe that change takes a very long time to happen. These people believe that if you want to improve something or change something in your life that you peck away at it and eventually you'll have want you want. It's been our experience that change happens in two ways: 1. Yes, it can take a long time to happen or 2. You can do things to create what we call "Instant Breakthroughs." You can create these "instant breakthroughs" in any area of your life if you're open to them and since our focus in this newsletter is relationships-- the big question is... How do you create "instant breakthroughs" in your relationships? Before we give you some ideas on how to do this, let us first tell you what "instant relationship breakthroughs" are... An instant relationship breakthrough is one moment when one or both of you in the relationship make a shift to do, say or act differently and there's an opening, a sense of understanding or feeling of connection and communion in the relationship that wasn't there previously. If your intention is to create these breakthroughs, then you will create the type of relationships that you want and have more love, passion, intimacy and connection. To give you an idea of what we're talking about, here are a few "Instant Relationship Breakthroughs" that you can begin practicing right now to make your relationships even better... Instant Relationship Breakthrough Idea #1 ~Be proactive and responsible in creating your life the way you want If you don't have the love you want (or anything else), you're the one who is blocking it. Think about your garden hose. What happens when it gets a major kink in it? The water doesn't flow past the kink. It's shut off until you remove the kink. That's the way we believe that it is with us in our lives. When we block our natural radiance, we block what we want from coming to us. We can choose to allow our life force to flow or not allow it to flow. It's our choice. Some of you at this point might be arguing with us and saying "I'm not blocking it. It's because of __________ (you fill in the blank) that I don't have exactly what I want in my life." Any time that you don't accept that you are the one blocking the flow of love, then you are not allowing yourself to be responsible and to begin creating the life and relationships that you want. We all have places in our lives where we can step up to the plate, so to speak, and take responsibility for turning our lives around--for making small or big changes that will make our lives and the lives of those we come in contact with better. Today, ask yourself these questions- 1. "How have I put up walls and barriers to having the love and relationships that I think I want?" 2. "What mental shifts can I make to let go of the walls and barriers that I've created that prevent me from having what I want?" Instant Relationship Breakthrough Idea #2 ~The power of making completions that have kept you from moving forward in your life and relationships. Most of us have an awareness of things that have been left unsaid that needed to be said or things that needed to be done that weren't done. If you need to do a completion about anyone or anything in your life, it can be a breakthrough moment for you and the other person. Cathy took one of our courses and told us later that she had made two completions that by doing them, she was moving forward to having what she wanted in her life. She returned all of one man's things that were left at her house, including a computer, several months after they had broken their relationship and also she decided to break it off with a married man she'd been seeing every now and then for years. These things from a former lover and the relationship that wasn't going anywhere were holding her back from being with someone who could love her the way she wanted to be loved. Completions aren't always as dramatic as Cathy's but they always free up energy for something more wonderful and powerful in our lives. On television the other day, we saw an interview with a couple who had been married 40 years. When asked how they kept their spark, they said that they never go to bed mad at each other. That's a great example of a completion--of not allowing resentments to build--of saying unsaid words that may be getting in the way of a great connection with a partner. We all have ways we can make completions in our lives that will free up energy so that we can have what we want. Anything left unsaid is an incompletion. Challenges or problems in the bedroom or around sex are almost always about unspoken truths, withheld emotions and incompletions. Today, ask yourself these questions... 1. "What is one completion that I've needed to make with someone or something?" 2. "What's one small action that I can take to start this completion process?" *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Asking for What you Want: Why is it so Difficult? - By Susie and Otto Collins Recently, Susie took her mother who has Alzheimer's disease to the hospital for an out-patient procedure to be done. They had to wait for 3 hours and to pass the time, they watched the nurses go about their duties and the other patients coming and going. As they laughed and made up stories about the people, Susie noticed an elderly woman being seated in one of the cubicles, waiting her turn to get treated. The woman appeared to be shivering because she only had a short-sleeved shirt on and the temperature in the room was a bit chilly. When a very kind nurse asked the woman if she wanted a blanket, the woman shook her head with a "no" and said that she had left her jacket with her daughter in the waiting area. As we watched this woman, she continued to sit with her arms wrapped around herself, and it appeared that she was very uncomfortable. Susie couldn't help thinking that if the woman had only accepted the warm blanket as her mother had done or if she had gone back out to the waiting area to get her jacket, she would have been so much more comfortable as she waited for her turn to have her procedure done. Although we don't really know why the woman didn't choose to either get her jacket or accept the blanket even though she appeared to be very uncomfortable, we do know that it appeared that she was unwilling to ask for what she wanted and even accept help when it was offered to her. What a relationship lesson this is! Many people fall into the relationship trap of not asking for help, thinking that they can do it all themselves and not allowing themselves to receive. They may have the belief that by not asking others for help, they are creating great relationships. We think the opposite is true! Asking for help when you need it and accepting the help of others actually opens the door to connection and intimacy. Sound strange? Here's why we say this... Nothing quite feels as good as helping other people and being appreciated for the help you give. If you are going through life with the attitude that you can help others but you won't let down your defenses to allow others to help you, you are denying them the opportunity to feel competent and be of service to you. Our relationship works so much better when both of us are willing to ask for help when we need it and ask for what we want--when neither one of us either tries to "fix" the other when they haven't asked or have the attitude that we can do it all by ourselves with no help from the other person. Here are some suggestions that have worked for us in asking for what we want: 1. First, find out what you want and need and believe that it is possible to ask and receive it. So many people don't know what they want and even if they do, they don't believe that anyone will give it to them. You have to believe that it's possible to receive the help or whatever you want. 2. Ask in such a way that the other person can hear the request. Tell the other person what you are feeling and why this is important to you. Choose a time when the person will listen to you without distractions or ask for that time. Make your request about what you need and why you need it. 3. Give a clear request. Often, people take a round about way to ask for what they want. At our son's band banquet the other day, we sat across from a couple who were talking about their high school aged son. We heard the boy's mother tell his father that when their son was talking about a fund-raising event that was going to take place the next week, the boy was really hinting that the father participate with him. She said that the boy seemed to be afraid to ask his father outright. Asking for what you want is the ONLY way you'll ever have what you want in any area of your life. We're suggesting that asking very clearly for what you want will create better relationships and as the saying goes-- you'll never know until you ask. When you ask for what you want--who knows? You might even get it! *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Friendship: The Second Part of the Love Equation That Leads To a Successful, Lasting and Happy Relationship - By Susie and Otto Collins
They were high school sweethearts and have been married for 50 years. Since they were still obviously very much in love, we asked them what their secret was.
What this man told us confirmed that they really do know one of the true secrets to a lasting, loving relationship. In his wonderful British accent, the man told us, "I really quite like her!" When he said this, his wife's faced glowed and she responded that she felt the same.
So often, we are asked the question "What's the secret to a long-lasting, loving relationship?" The British couple that we met certainly gave all of us one of those big secrets and we wanted to pass it onto you.
You see, it's not enough to be "in love" with someone in order to have a great relationship. You have to also be "in like" with them as well.
Here's what "in like" means to us... -You enjoy being and talking with them. -You would choose this person as a good friend if you weren't in an intimate relationship with them. -You choose to spend your time with them. -You choose to do things together. -You choose to accept them for who they are and not who you want them to be.
Now this may seem very simplistic but if you look around, you will see a lot of people in committed relationships who claim to love one another but they don't seem to like each other very much.
Big problem.
In our relationship, we really do "like" each other. We don't spend time together just because we're married and business partners, but we want to spend time with each other. In fact, there's NO ONE we'd rather talk to than each other. Sadly enough in many relationships it isn't this way.
When two people don't seem to like each other very much, they often put each other down, often in front of other people or they try to "fix" one another. They find other ways to spend their time than being with each other. All of this erodes trust and fosters uncertainty, worthlessness, and fear.
So if you're beginning a new relationship, take a look at how you are feeling when you are with this person. Do you feel like you are with a friend who really likes you and you like them? If not, you may want to take a close look at whether you want to stay in this relationship or not.
If you are not currently in a committed relationship and wanting to be in one, take this opportunity to practice being a better friend to the people in your life. Begin to form a vision for what you want in a relationship and be sure to include the kind of friendship that you are wanting.
If you are in a committed relationship, take a look at whether the two of you are friends or not. If you feel like there's some room for improvement, begin to act more like a friend to your partner and also ask for what you need as well. Take this opportunity to talk about how you can be better friends with each other and what that might mean.
One suggestion we'll make to help you find more to like about the person you're with is to suggest that you change what you focus on with that other person.
We recommend that you "find the overlap" between the two of you and spend your time, effort and energy in that relationship focusing on what you like, love and appreciate about that other person instead of what you don't like.
In other words, focus on the commonalities and interests that the two of you have instead of what's different about the two of you or what you don't like about the other person.
We invite you to learn from our new friends from Great Britain about how to create long-lasting, close connected relationships. Understand the importance of and cultivate not just loving that other person but continuously find ways to focus on being people that "like" each other as well. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. How Having Fun Can Be Contagious and Help You Create the Relationships and Life That You Want - By Susie and Otto Collins Recently, we went to dinner at a local restaurant with a few friends who were visiting from out-of-town. Since this is a very popular place to eat, we were told that the wait would be 30-40 minutes. While we were waiting to be seated, we talked, laughed, had fun and even sang and danced to the music that was playing in the background. Although the hostess thought we were acting very strangely for seemingly normal adults in their 30's, 40's and 50's, she began having fun with us, as well as some of the other people who were waiting with us. As we were seated well under the 30-40 minute wait, we continued our fun with the waitress as we ordered and ate our food. The owner, who had looked stressed when we came in, began joining in our fun and even posed with us for a group photo. What that taught us is how infectious fun, laughter and a positive frame of mind is and how it can affect those around us and the situations we find ourselves in. We could have gone to the restaurant, been upset by the wait and grumbled about our situation but we had it as our intention to have fun, enjoy ourselves and have a great meal. It's no coincidence that that's exactly what happened. Okay, you're probably wondering what does this have to do with creating better relationships? Just like in our example-- The answer is--that we can use the power of our intentions to create relationships that are filled with more of what we want rather than what we don't want. Great relationships are created by your intentions, focus, attitude and strategies and skills that you practice moment by moment. So often we either have no positive intention for our experiences or because of negative talk in our heads, we focus on what can go wrong. People often consciously or unconsciously create atmospheres of fear and distance with the people in their lives. What we have discovered is that it's just as easy to create an atmosphere of fun, love and connection as it is to create relationships filled with what we don't want. Some of you might be asking--if it's so easy, why doesn't everybody do it? Many of us have been "programmed" to look for problems before they happen and to focus on what is "wrong" with the situation and not what is "right." Also, as painful as it is to admit, some people hang onto relationships and situations that don't serve them because there's some underlying payoff for being the victim or martyr. That all sounds pretty cruel to say but sometimes this "programming" is so deep within us that we don't even realize what's going on. Here are a few suggestions for creating more positive relationships and a happier, more fulfilled life: 1. No matter what the situation or relationship, create your intention for what you want. It doesn't have to be elaborate. It can simply be saying to yourself--"Here's what I want to happen...." and be excited about it. Actively begin focusing on what you want for your experiences and not what you don't want. 2. Stay open to new possibilities for your relationships and your life. If you intend what you want to happen but are not open to the possibility that your life or relationships can change, they won't. Keep the past in the past and stay focused on the present. 3. Make having fun a priority in your relationships and in your life. Having fun means different things to different people. Figure out what having fun means to you and do those things and create those experiences on a regular basis. A friend of our once commented to us that life is one big adventure. We'd like to add that life can be filled with joy or filled with pain and the choice is up to you. We lovingly invite you to take one step--even a small one-- toward creating what you want this week. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Annoyances: What to do when you feel annoyed with the people in your life - By Susie and Otto Collins Did you read about this guy who had been drinking, decided to climb a fence and jumped into the Niagara river, heading over the falls? According to the news, he became the only person known to have survived a plunge over the falls without a safety device. After this man was released from a hospital and arrested, he told reporters that he had been suicidal but that this experience made him want to live. This is what we call learning from the "power of contrast." He wanted to die and then found out that maybe he didn't. When we read about this man's "adventure," we thought that it was a good illustration to answer a question from one of our newsletter subscribers. Our subscriber had a question about a quote by Robert Johnson that we used in one of our newsletter articles which was... "We forget that in falling in love, we must also come to terms with what we find annoying, distasteful and intolerable in each other and also in ourselves. Yet it is this confrontation that leads to our greatest growth." Our subscriber asked, "I would dearly love to know how to confront these things in a way that promotes this growth. Can you help?" In our experience, there are at least three ways to not just "confront" but also come to terms with and embrace the things we find annoying, distasteful and intolerable in other people and in ourselves. These ways are: 1) These annoyances can signal a place within you where you may need to grow next or something you may need to attend to. Recently, Otto sprained his ankle and has found it very annoying to not be able to walk and move as he normally likes to. But, as he reflected on the "real" energetic cause of his sprained ankle, it may have been a signal for him to slow down since we have working much longer and harder than normal on several projects during the past month. His "growth edge" may be to continue to appreciate the passion with which he approaches everything in his life, while at the same time learn balance. 2) These little (or big) annoyances may be magnifying some behavior within you that you need to look at and possibly change. Several years ago, Susie supervised several employees. At times when she found that these employees were not completing various projects to her satisfaction, she jumped in, took over and "saved the day." In the process of "taking over," she tended to insensitively step on her employees' "toes," making them feel inadequate and incompetent. As luck would have it, she attracted a boss to her who treated her the same way she had treated her employees. Because she got to feel firsthand how her employees must have felt, Susie changed the way she supervised them to reflect a more "team" approach. She learned to not rush in and "take over" but rather give encouragement and help if asked. 3) As we said earlier, there is a lot to be learned by the power of contrast. By looking at what you find distasteful about others, you are able to determine what you want and what you don't want in your life. For example, we get many pleas for help from people in relationships where they are not being honored in various ways or even abused by their partners. Those people have the opportunity to look at their partner's behavior and decide if this is what they want in their life. They are given the opportunity to begin saying what they want and if they are still not being honored, begin making the changes that will bring them the life they deserve. So, in giving you these examples, we've given you perhaps a different way to look at what you find annoying and distasteful in others and in yourself. If you are finding that you are becoming annoyed, upset or irritated with other people's behavior (or even you're own), take this opportunity to look within yourself and ask, "What can I learn from this situation?" By asking this simple question, you will find yourself healing and growing in ways that you never felt were possible. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. How to keep passion alive after the honeymoon - By Susie and Otto Collins Somewhere in the back of your mind, during all of your wedding planning, you're probably wondering how to keep passion and excitement alive in your relationship after the honeymoon. We think that there are some things you can begin doing right now that can not only keep the passion you have for one another alive but also deepen it as time goes on. 1. Consciously communicate what is most important to you in your relationship and your life. Schedule a time each day-even if it's 15 minutes--to turn off the television, sit close and make eye contact with each other and take turns talking about what is important to you-what your goals and needs are-and it doesn't have to be about your relationship. Simply communicating what you love about each other keeps passion alive. 2. Understand, embrace and learn from your differences. First, become aware of your differences and don't assume that your partner thinks just like you think and his/her priorities are just like yours. Next, talk about these differences and share what is important to you. Remember to listen with an open heart and not judge. Just because someone likes to do something in a little different way than you doesn't mean it isn't the "right" way. Look at your preconceived notions about the "right" ways to do things. Just because your mother did something a certain way doesn't mean it has to be done that way forever. If there are conflicts about the ways in which things are done or where the priorities are placed, we recommend that you devise a new way of doing things. Perhaps a third way that might be even better than the two previous ways of looking at or doing things. Turn your attention to appreciating each other's gifts instead of holding onto what we think is the "right way to do it." 3. Leave all the stuff from previous relationships with those old relationships. The "old stuff" will come up-it always does-- and you'll wonder if this is the person you married. The trick that we've found is for each person to become aware that it is "old stuff" from previous relationships and that this is an opportunity to heal. Learn to help each other recognize, in a way that can be heard, when old destructive patterns are emerging. Instead of being judgmental, be a friend when your spouse goes into these patterns and ask that he/she does the same for you. 4. Don't run away when things get tough. We decided early in our relationship that we were willing to keep talking until we resolve our differences and not run away from them like in previous relationships. We were also willing to "kill the monsters" while they are little. In other words, when we feel something coming between us, we tell the other person how we are feeling without pointing fingers at him/her. 5. Make conscious agreements with your partner. Conscious agreements do not take the passion and mystery out of the relationship. We've found it to be just the opposite. They require you to take an inventory of what you want and be honest with each other. We've created agreements about giving gifts to each other, where and how to spend time at holidays, how we want to be greeted by each other when we come home and how we want to be loved. Conscious agreements build trust. 6. Treat each day as if it were your last together. From the beginning of our relationship, we practice using loving words with each other and express our gratitude to the other for being in our lives. We are well aware that this day may be our last together. There are no guarantees in life. When we talk about each other to other people, we are conscious of using loving words instead of critical ones. We think that this kindness in words and expressing gratitude are important ingredients that help create and maintain trust, intimacy, and passion in our relationship. Choose to build each other up instead of tear each other down. Choose to love each other with thoughts, actions, and words and you will see a positive difference in your relationship. These are 6 ways that we use everyday to deepen our passion and make our relationship sensational. Love is a miracle. Choose to treat your relationship as the wonderful gift it is. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Forgive and Forget? We Don't Think So! - By Susie and Otto Collins In every relationship you're involved in, it's inevitable that something will happen in the relationship that will cause you to be upset or angry with the other person or the other person will be upset with you. Many of us try to forget what has happened to us without really taking the time to address the issue. We believe that in most cases, you really don't forget and here's why. Have you ever had the feeling that the harder you try to "forget" something, the more you end up focusing on it? If someone says to you, "Don't think of the color blue" "Don't think of the color blue" "Don't think of the color blue," no matter how hard you try, you probably can't stop visualizing or thinking about the color blue. The same thing happens when you try to "forget" a negative situation that has an emotional charge to it. No matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to do it. You think you've forgotten but it's come back up in other ways. We believe that instead of forgetting, you have to forgive and let go. Many people write to us wanting to know how they can forgive when they have been wronged--a spouse cheated on them; they've been abused in one way or another; or maybe their feelings have been hurt and they don't feel loved or valued. What we have found is that the process of healing a relationship requires more than forgiveness. You must also let go. But let go of what? In almost all cases when you are having a difficult time forgiving someone, you are holding on to an attachment of some kind or another. The attachments most commonly manifest themselves in the need to be justified, the need to be honored, the need to be right, the need to be vindicated, the desire for revenge, and the inability to move past fear. So when you are holding onto an attachment, what you are actually doing is holding onto a position which is serving you in some way but it is not moving you forward in healing the relationship. Eckhart Tolle in his book "The Power of Now" talks about how to let go of negativity and we think that the same holds true for letting go of attachments-Tolle says to let go of negativity "by dropping it. How do you drop a piece of hot coal that you are holding in your hand? How do you drop some heavy and useless baggage that you are carrying? By recognizing that you don't want to suffer the pain or carry the burden anymore and then letting go of it." Just decide to do it. Susie and her sister moved their mother from her home of 50 years to an assisted living Alzheimer's facility. At the beginning of this process, their mother had anger, hurt, and resentment toward her daughters and her new situation. From the time of taking their mother's car away from her, Susie and her sister began practicing letting go of their mother's anger, while allowing her to feel her feelings. They continually practiced forgiving the words of anger that were directed toward them and just sent her love. Susie practiced a "Thirty-Nine Day Prayer of Forgiveness" given to her by Shaman Connie Parkinson to help with this situation with her mother. She's used it before to help heal a broken relationship. Here it is--along with an explanation--and we urge you to try it. It really works! "Every day, for 39 days, all alone and in private, you say the following: (Name), I thank you for all you have done to me and those I love. I ask your forgiveness for all I have done to you. Let us begin a new relationship. (Your own name), I love you. You are an exceptionally wonderful and beautiful person and I approve of you. This prayer is extremely simple, It's extremely hard, it's extremely effective. By thanking the one who has injured you, you are putting yourself a little bit in that person's place, and you are recognizing that everyone is driven by impulses we are not to know, and that everything that happens to you is for your growth and your good." By asking forgiveness for yourself, you are recognizing that you had a part in the relationship. By telling yourself that you love and approve of you, you are renewing strength in the one human being in your life who can truly help you-- yourself. The 3 is for the triune spiritual effect of will, action, and manifestation. The 9 brings an ending to your grief and anger and resentment against the person. The prayer itself opens you to a new understanding of both yourself and the one who injured you. The only thing you are trying to change is yourself and your emotions. As for the relationship, wait and see. You could be surprised how you'll feel toward this person at the end of 39 days." Along with this exercise, if you want to move toward forgiveness in your life, here are two questions for you to answer that will help you in this process: *Who do I need to forgive? *What step do I need to take to begin this process? We encourage you to start today to do what you know that you need to do to begin letting go of what you have been holding onto and moving into creating the life and having the love that you want. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Flirting Guide: When Is Flirting a Good Thing? So what's the difference between flirting and just being friendly? *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. - By Susie and Otto Collins A woman we'll call "Jane" thought she was a great "catch" and a "perfect partner" but she wondered why her relationships always seemed to fail. Here's what she wrote to us-- "I dated men of various ages and cultures but all my relationships ended up in disaster. I constantly searched, hoping for love to come my way. Then I started reading your newsletters. I carried a lot of personal baggage from my past and set unrealistic standards and expectations for my lovers hoping they would fail because I was afraid to fail. I was afraid they would hurt me and disappoint me, so I made sure I would be in control when they did." In this situation, Jane has an incredible opportunity in front of her. She can continue as she has been, being fearful and attracting people who will disappoint her or she can learn from what she has discovered about her patterns from the past. It's been our experience that we attract the people into our lives who show us what we need to heal within ourselves, new possibilities for the future, and the contrast of what we want and don't want in our lives. We take the rather contrarian view that there are no relationship mistakes or failures and only opportunities to heal, learn, grow and experience joy. Even though "Jane" thought her relationships were failures, each one was actually another chance to become more emotionally aware of what was going on inside her, what she wanted for her life and to give her an opportunity to heal and create new ways to do it differently. What we have found is that we keep attracting the same type of person, not just intimate partners, and experiences into our lives until we heal the past and "do it differently." Otto's car is a black Buick Century with leather seats. He's very hot natured and since we live in Ohio where the summers are very hot and humid, he suffers in his "hot" car. He loved the way the car looked on the showroom floor, but his day-to-day experience has given him a powerful lesson of what he doesn't want in a car. As you can imagine, he's made a clear intention through the power of contrast that his next car will not be black or have leather seats. He had an opportunity to learn this lesson when he was 18 years old and drove a black Ford Pinto station wagon with no air-conditioning to Tampa, Florida at the beginning of August. He swore then as he sat in traffic with sweat dripping onto the steering wheel that he'd never have another black car. Obviously, he hadn't learned this lesson so he needed to bring another black car into his experience. The point is that Otto has finally learned from this valuable experience and will do it differently the next time, although he really likes a lot about his current car. This story is an example of coming to an awareness of what you want and what you don't want and of learning from past experiences that are not "failures" but are opportunities for expansion and growth. Please don't misunderstand us and think that we are recommending that because you don't like something about your current partner or job that you "throw them away" and get another "model." What we are recommending is that you take the opportunity to become emotionally aware, like "Jane" did, as much of the time as possible. Decide that you deserve to have a great relationship and a great life, whatever that means to you. We are inviting you to learn from the past and the power of contrast so that you can begin creating the life you want. Here are some ideas to help you... 1. Whenever something is important to you, don't stuff it down and pretend it doesn't matter. Have the courage to share it with your partner. 2. Accept responsibility for your part in past relationships that haven't worked out the way you wanted them to work out. Look for reoccurring patterns that will show you where you need to heal. 3. Know that there's no such thing as failure in relationships, only experiences that you may not have enjoyed. 4. Embrace the idea that no matter what has happened in your relationships up until now, the future can be different. So in a sense, each person who comes into our lives is "the perfect partner" for us if we use these experiences that we have with them to heal, learn and grow. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. One Way To Honor and Build Trust in Your Relationship and Each Other - By Susie and Otto Collins There are things in every relationship that are sacred. One of these things that we think is most sacred is the trust that can be developed if both people in the relationship honor that thoughts and feelings, whether they are of a positive nature or negative, will be shared first with each other. Here's an example from our own lives to show you what we mean about honoring.. Both of us, in our previous relationships, felt the need to talk to friends and not always our spouses about what was really on our minds. We often chose to tell our inner most secrets and frustrations to our friends and omit this information when we talked with our spouses. Although this wasn't the primary reason both of these relationships ended in divorce, we think that it was one way that trust was eroded and not built in those relationships. When we got together in our relationship, we figured out that if we hoped to have a relationship built on trust and deep connection that this type of intimate sharing with others was a pattern of behavior that had to stop. If there was conflict, disagreement or challenges that came up, we agreed that we would talk to each other instead of venting our frustrations with a friend or co-worker. This was our sacred agreement with each other. We just love Bruce Springsteen's song, "If I should fall behind" because it says exactly how we have chosen to be in a relationship with each other. In the song he says, "Let's make our steps clear so the other can see." To us, this means telling the other person what we are thinking as soon as we have sorted it out ourselves. We don't feel like we have to hide or sugar-coat our truth about a situation or unload on a friend how we are truly feeling without first telling each other. This doesn't mean we never talk to friends and other family members about our thoughts or what's happening in our lives. Quite the contrary. What we are saying is that we have agreed to tell each other first, things that are personal and feelings that come up about the other person. If you find that you have been complaining to other people about your partner or someone close to you and you are not telling your partner how you are feeling, stop. By talking to others first about your issues instead of the person involved, you will continue to erode the safety and trust in your relationship. By talking to others about your issues instead of the person your conflict is with, you could be playing the role of the victim or martyr. Believe it or not, you may actually be enjoying the sympathy and attention from other people that you are getting from complaining about the situation with your partner. If you want to build trust and create a close, connected relationship, we've found that this kind of behavior has to stop. Choosing to let your partner know where you stand and what is going on inside you is not only a way to build trust but also a way to deepen your connection as well.. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. How Differences Can Help Your Relationship *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Keeping Your Relationships Beautiful... - By Susie and Otto Collins During one of the recent storms in our area, a small tree fell on our property and created quite a mess. As we were cutting the tree into pieces small enough to carry, Otto made an interesting connection between what it takes to make a beautiful yard and home and what it takes to make a beautiful relationship. Otto really dislikes doing any kind of yard work such as clearing the brush, raking leaves, shoveling the snow or mowing the grass. Although he dislikes the work it takes to keep the property looking good, he has really come to appreciate how beautiful our home looks when it is taken care of. It's the same way in your relationships. There are many things that you may dislike or maybe not want to take the time to do that will help you to create a beautiful relationship if you do them. Every relationship that is important to you requires maintenance. The relationship has to be taken care of if you want it to be one that is close, connected, alive and full of passion. Even if you don't care that your relationship is comparable to those in romance novels, it still requires that you pay attention to it and give it some ongoing care and love. So what types of things do we consider to be important for the ongoing care of a great relationship? --Be honest and talk about things as they come up between you. Don't bury your feelings. They only come up later as resentment. Whenever you find that you are feeling something that you haven't expressed, communicate these things as soon as and as lovingly as you can. So often people allow small issues to grow into mountains that come between them. Take care of them when they come up. --Be considerate and grateful. Take the time to be considerate of each other and express your gratitude that you are in each other's lives. In many relationships, there is the temptation to take each other for granted. There may be the feeling that you don't have to be kind and express your love and gratitude to your partner because he/she already knows. Do it anyway. We feel that being considerate and being grateful is a joyful way of life that helps to create a close, connected partnership. --Make time to be together. When couples come together, they often spend a lot of time getting to know one another and having fun together. Then, as children enter the picture and their attentions shift, their intention to spend time together gets buried and lost in their everyday activities. What we are suggesting is to make it your intention to spend time together, really being together, even if it's to sit and talk alone for a few moments over coffee. These are just some ideas that we use to keep our relationship beautiful. We suggest that you don't just stop with these ideas that we're offering you here. Come up with your own ideas for what it would take to create the kind of relationship that you really want and then do these things. When you do, we think you will be well on your way to creating a more connected and beautiful relationship. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. How to Use Completions to Move From the Past to a Promising Future *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Plugging Up The Holes in Your Relationships... - By Susie and Otto Collins Are there any "holes" in your relationship? If you're like us--the answer is yes. In fact, in many relationships there are usually quite a few "holes." "Holes" are those things in your relationships and life that you may know are there but it's always a surprise when you fall into one. Things can be going along just fine and before you know it, you've fallen into one of those darn holes again. The house we live in is over 130 years old and just like a lot of relationships, there are many "holes" in the nooks and crannies in the exterior of the house. At its core, we have a great home in a beautiful setting. But the fact is that we really haven't paid a lot of attention to maintaining the house in the last several years and now the neglect is beginning to show. The home that was once beautiful is now in need of major repair. Is this how your relationship is? We hope not. The truth is that whether you're talking about a house or a relationship, if there are any "holes" in them, they didn't just show up overnight. They are there because you didn't notice them and then fix them right away before they grew bigger. Now, we could move to another house but it wouldn't be long before problems would start showing up in our new house if we didn't do a better job of maintaining it. Same way with your relationships. What does it mean to plug up the "holes" in a relationship? It means doing the things every day and even moment-to- moment that lead to a great relationship. One of those things is giving the relationship your attention. Many people get into a relationship and then put it on auto-pilot. Then months or years later, they wonder what happened. If you haven't planned a date together in a while, take some time right now and plan some type of get-away even if it's just or an hour at your favorite restaurant or a walk in a park alone together. Make some time for the two of you to be together and to enjoy each other. Make a plan to talk every day about what really matters to the two of you. This can simply mean telling each other what you appreciate about the other person. Another thing that we find helpful is what we call "killing the monsters in our relationships while they're little." This means whenever something comes up between you and your partner, don't let it linger and become an even bigger issue. In other words, tackle the monsters in the relationship when they're small and they won't grow up to be large enough to eat the city (or destroy your relationship.) Fixing a relationship with holes may not be an overnight process but it can be done if both partners in the relationship are committed to making the relationship better and stronger. Start plugging those holes today and you'll see how your relationships will begin to change and grow. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Keeping it together when others around you are Losing it! - By Susie and Otto Collins In our family, we call them "meltdowns." We don't know what you call them, but we're sure you've had some experience with them. "Meltdowns" are when one or more family members just plain "lose it" and get out of control. This weekend Otto and his 11 year old son Steven spent the entire weekend alone together because Susie was out of town. Steven is with us every other weekend. Because Steven has trouble accessing and articulating his emotions, he has "meltdowns" on a somewhat regular basis. This weekend, yes, Steven did have one of these "meltdowns" but what happened was different from other weekends. Otto did what most of us do when caught in the middle of one of these dramas. At first, he found himself going into his emotional pattern which is to react negatively to Steven's outbursts. What was different this time was that somewhere in the middle of all of the drama, Otto was able to go within himself and allow Steven to have whatever emotional experience he needed to have. Otto was able to not take Steven's "meltdown" personally. This incident is a perfect example of becoming emotionally aware in the middle of a tense, emotionally charged situation. Emotional awareness is the master key to having great relationships or anything else in your life that you want. Think about the emotionally patterns that you go through when other people in your life have varying degrees of meltdowns. These could be people at your workplace, friends, family or your intimate partner. Do you try to "fix" their problem as you see it? Do you get angry and lash back at them? Do you become emotionally distant? Do you hide? Take a few minutes and think about how you react in similar situations. We think it is crucial that we all own our own emotions, even when we can't identify them. Sometimes we just don't know why we feel the way we do and it takes some time to figure it out. But it is important to figure it out. It's also important to allow others to feel the way they feel without also being sucked into their emotional vortex. Steven didn't know why he was so angry at the time of his outbursts. Otto just allowed him to have those feelings without trying to fix it after he stopped himself from being part of Steven's emotional drama. Otto stopped himself from taking ownership of Steven's angst--that somehow Otto was the source of all of Steven's problems. He just allowed Steven to "own" his own emotions. Don Miguel Ruiz in "The Four Agreements" says, "What causes you to be trapped {in other's emotional dramas} is what we call "personal importance." Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about "me." Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world." So this week, we suggest that you "step out of" other people's emotional dramas. That doesn't mean being insensitive or unloving to others when they "lose it" but it does mean staying in your "center." The important thing is to do your own work and allow others to do their work. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. How Badly Do You Want Intimacy In Your Relationships? - By Susie and Otto Collins This week Susie was at a meeting of all women and one of the participants wistfully told them about the elk. According to this woman, the female elks live and raise their young in the company of other female elks. The male elks come around once a year, the females pick out the best males, mate, and then separate for the rest of the year. This woman was envious of this arrangement and suggested that humans might be better off to emulate the elk's ways. Because we're students of relationships, we couldn't help but make a few observations, hopefully providing food for thought for you. If we, as humans, emulated the elk, the people with whom we would have intimate relationships would be kept at a distance. In our opinion, emotional distance and intimacy cannot co-exist. To us, this is not an issue of gender or sexual preference but rather an issue of intimacy within relationship. We believe that intimate relationships, whether between sexual partners, close friends or family members, are opportunities for spiritual growth and personal healing. If we find that we are putting distance between ourselves and anyone we are intimate with, then one of two things may be happening: either fear of one kind or another is present or the dynamics are changing between the two of you and you begin growing in different directions, causing emotional separation. Everyday we receive email messages from people who talk about being in disconnected relationships and having disconnected sex. We've learned from our own lives and from other's lives that disconnected sex does not bring intimacy. It only provides a temporary mask which covers up the challenges within the relationship. Do you notice the number of ads for Viagra and the number of people using it? Now, we're not being judgmental here--just pointing out that many people are searching for that connection of the heart and soul-- that intimacy that is missing or has evaporated over many years of marriage. Intimacy is not something that you can fix with a drug. It takes two people truly interested and willing to work for a connection of the heart and soul. Gary Zukav, author of Seat of the Soul, talks about the new species of human that is being born today. We're no longer here for physical survival as our ancestors but rather for a spiritual awakening. We feel that this spiritual awakening is happening in great numbers because people are desiring to live more consciously and authentically in alignment with whom they really are. Intimate relationships or spiritual partnerships are helping people to do this. Most of us spend our whole lives, consciously or unconsciously, trying to find our connection with Spirit. We believe that this is the same connection that we feel in a deep union with another person. We've found that if there is distance between two people and they want an intimate connection, there's only one way-- and that is to tackle the core issues that they fear may destroy the relationship. Kenny Loggins, in his book The Unimaginable Life, asked the question that we'll ask you-- How badly do you want an intimate relationship? Do you want distance and separation like the elk or do you want a deep spiritual connection? The choice is up to you. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. How to Re-Claim Passion in Your Life! - By Susie and Otto Collins If you want to create more passion in your life or reclaim passion that is currently not there in your life, this article will give you some ideas. At some point in our lives we've all experienced total passion for life and living. We've all been involved in something that really got us excited and we couldn't wait to have a similar experience all over again soon. The best physical example we could give you of passion in action is to have you think of any child that you know. Chances are better than excellent that the child that you thought of is full of energy about something that they are passionate about. Our son loves Poke'mon and playing his Playstation. He enthusiastically gets up at 6:30 AM on the weekends to play a playstation game, but during the week he has to drag himself out of bed to go to school. We are no different from our son or the child that you may have thought of. Ask yourself, do you have more energy when you get up at 6AM to go to work on Monday morning or when you get up early to leave on a vacation? We've heard football announcers and commentators on TV talk about how certain players can really "get up for the big game." What they're talking about is that player rejuvenating his fire or passion for the sport he loves by "getting up" for the big game against their arch rival. There is an ease and a flow in your life when you do things that you love and when you are with people who you are passionate about. We have found the secret to increasing passion in our lives is to follow these very simple ideas. 1) Find something that you can really get excited about. This can be something from your past, something you do now that you want to do more of or it can be something you've been thinking about doing. We were at a gathering yesterday and saw what it was like when someone who was deeply depressed remembered an activity that she had been passionate about in years past. She left the gathering with a renewed passion for that activity and for life, resolving to spend some time each week doing what she loved. 2) Eliminate the things in your life that you aren't passionate about. We're not saying that you have to quit your job or leave a partner when the passion has left. But, it is important to eliminate as many things as possible in your life that don't bring you passion and joy. In Susie's current job she used to find herself traveling all over the country, attending meetings and getting involved in association activities and events. When it ceased to be a passion for her, she decided to start eliminating those things that she no longer wanted to do. Now we know that it's not always possible to eliminate all the unpleasant things you have to do. But, it's usually possible to think of new ways of doing those things which may bring some passion back to your work experience. The same thing could work in your personal life and relationships. If you're not excited about your life, find something to get excited about. If you're not excited about your relationships, find something about your relationships to get excited about. 3) Focus on the good and the positive aspects of your mate, your job and your life instead of focusing on the negative qualities. What we do is focus on the good qualities about each other instead of spending a time dwelling on the negative. After we resolve conflicts with each other, we do not rehash them with friends. In our minds, we go back to the qualities we love about the other. This way we are more likely to attract more of what we want into our lives instead of what we don't want. Susie was able to rekindle the passion for her work and work environment by focusing her thoughts each morning during her hourlong commute. She imagined the things she appreciated about each of her co-workers and focused on the activities that brought her joy during the day. This changed the atmosphere of her work environment and this positive attitude has even spread to the other employees. So if passion is missing in your life try at least one of our suggestions and we think you'll see a difference. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. The Importance of Saying only what you mean! *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Listening from your heart... *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Assumptions Several years ago, we attended a very powerful workshop on Spiritual Partnerships with Gary Zukav, author of Seat of the Soul, and his spiritual partner Linda Francis. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Power, Vulnerability and Money... *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. The Issue of Money in Spiritual Partnership - By Susie and Otto Collins Sex and money are two of the biggest issues that challenge couples. Today we're going to talk about money and the unique opportunities for growth in tackling these issues. So why does money drive a wedge between two people who are committed to one another? We all come from different backgrounds and carry different values and belief systems from our birth families and life experiences. Here are some ways we see people differ on this issue: 1. Spender and Saver Combination 2. Never taught about money 3. Two people--different goals for their financial lives There are many more examples that we could list. The most important thing we have discovered is that when there are unresolved money issues in a relationship, there are problems with safety and trust. In a relationship where there are safety and trust issues surrounding money, you can almost always trace it back to one person having more either real or perceived power in the relationship and the other feeling more vulnerable. So, we have some tips on dealing with money that we've used in our spiritual partnership and they may work for you. 1. Examine your perceptions about money. 2. If you decide to form a partnership, decide in advance how you are going to handle the finances. Early in our relationship, we decided to share equally the household expenses but not combine our personal finances. It has been important to us to feel like equal partners and this was one way that we could do it. This is only one model that works for us because are individual incomes are similar. This may not work in your circumstance. All we are saying is to consciously decide about finances. 3. Discuss what each of you values in the area of finances. 4. When misunderstandings arise, listen to your partner and try to understand the frame of reference he/she is coming from. A simple problem of semantics like the one we had recently illustrates this point. Last week when we were discussing business finances, Otto felt tight and restricted when Susie used the word "budget". His frame of reference as 20 years in sales suggested to him that budgets were rigid and could never be changed. Budgets were imposed from on high. He preferred to talk about plans. Susie's frame of reference comes from managing a library and she deals with budgets everyday. A budget does not have a negative connotation to her but is merely a business tool. It was only until after each of us understood the other's frame of reference for this word could we resolve it and move past this issue. In your relationships, whether you're talking about money or anything else, it's important to constantly communicate, one moment at a time. It's important to understand and respect your partner's needs, their desires, their frame of reference and their values, as well as your own. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. - By Susie and Otto Collins One of the biggest issues that people ask us about and we experience ourselves is how to find the time for our families, our jobs, our community and our partner. How can we do it all? We are pulled in so many different directions! The short answer is to determine what the "First things" are in your life and live your life according to what you have predetermined as the most important things in your life. In Stephen Covey's book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People," Habit 3 is "Put First Things First" and we have found that this is key to living our lives the way we want. The first step to living our lives the way we want them is to consciously determine what is most important in all areas of your life. After determining what you value most, compare these values with how you actually spend your time. Brian Tracy says, "It's not what you say or what you intend to do but what you actually do reveals what's most important to you." We fill our lives with so many activities and often place our priorities in alignment with what's not very important to us. As Mona Lisa Schulz says in her book, "Awakening Intuition," "You can't have it all. You have to choose." We think this can be a glorious, freeing experience but can also be a scary, unfamiliar place to venture. The challenge is to choose what you do and how you live-- consciously. We've found that your values can change and that's why constant communication is so important. Earlier in Susie's life, she placed a higher value on her job and community activities than she does now. She spent more time on those activities away from home and invested more energy in cultivating relationships with many different people. Now, she is spending more time with family and her partner Otto. Before we got together, we consciously determined what we wanted from our relationship--what we valued. Our values have been clear and we have tried to live and spend our time according to them. We're not saying that everyone should adopt our values but we are saying that it is important for you to determine what your values are and to understand the most important things in your partner's life from his/her frame of reference. We suggest that you have a family discussion about what each person values. You'll find that understanding will be fostered and resolving conflicts will be easier in the future. A great way to determine what's most important to you in your life is to make a list from the answers to the following questions--(we're sure you can make up more) "What's most important to me in my relationship with my partner/spouse"? "What's most important to me in my career"? "What's most important to me in my relationship with my kids"? "What's most important to me in my spiritual practice"? You get the idea--Take a few minutes this week and consciously decide what's most important in your life and your relationships. Set a family meeting and ask your family members to do the same. As Stephen Covey says, "Things which matter most should never be at the mercy of things which matter least." Make sure you know what things matter most to you. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Secrets to Healing after Leaving a Painful Relationship! - By Susie and Otto Collins It very easy to get into a relationship. But, it's usually very difficult to get out of one that no longer serves you and begin the healing process. It seems that everywhere you look, many long-standing relationships and /or marriages are dissolving. In this week's article we thought we'd give some suggestions to help those of you who are still going through the healing process. Our suggestions are : 1) To never look at a relationship (or anything else) that didn't work out as a failure. Robert Schuller, the famous TV evangelist and founder of the world famous Crystal Cathedral said in his book "Success is never ending Failure is never final" --"Failure doesn't mean you're finished, it does mean you have a chance." He also said, "Failure doesn't mean God has abandoned you...it does mean God has a better idea." Often it's the seed of a current or past "failure" that fuels you to the very success that you've always dreamed of. 2) Turn from the past and look toward the future...YOUR future. As Tony Robbins says "Your past does not equal your future. Sometimes after a separation, we find ourselves dwelling in the past, our thoughts consumed with that other person. You will begin to heal when you start thinking and writing about what you want for your life. 3) Know and understand that there are no "accidents" and that everything happens in divine order. Every thought, every moment, every action, every relationship and every event that happens in your life, happens to propel you toward your next phase of learning and personal growth. 4) Acknowledge, without blame, your part in the breakup of the relationship. When it doesn't work out, then two people have to share equally in the responsibility of the breakup. No matter who appears to be at fault. 5) Learn from the patterns of the past. Stay conscious in all your relationships so that you won't repeat the same mistakes. 6) Give thanks for the lessons that you learned in that relationship. Honor that person as a teacher, here to help you on your journey. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Being "Real" in Your Relationships - By Susie and Otto Collins This week we joined the 20-something masses and attended a Dave Mathews Band concert. They played a song called, "Ants Marching" and we felt like the lyrics really told the story of a lot of relationships and lives. In his song, Dave depicts the average life and the average relationship. "He wakes up in the morning, Does his teeth, Bite to eat and he's rolling. Never changes a thing. The week ends, the week begins. She thinks, we look at each other Wondering what the other is thinking But we never say a thing And these crimes between us grow deeper. Take these chances. Place them in a box until a quieter time. Lights down, you up and die." What Dave's really saying in his blunt way is that most of us in our relationships aren't willing to speak our truth about our thoughts and we end up taking these thoughts, unspoken, to our graves. The great motivational speaker Zig Ziglar talks about the tragedy of people going to their graves with their music still in them--not living their lives to the fullest. If you want your relationships to be "real," alive and powerful, we suggest the concept of spiritual partnership. A spiritual partnership is not about religion--it's about two people coming together, using their relationship as a venue to heal, learn and grow. How is a spiritual partnership different from other types of relationships? In a spiritual partnership, (this can be any relationship) each partner is committed to telling the truth, and not holding back, however painful it might be. The relationship is alive, growing, and filled with passion because of constant communication and being willing to tackle issues as they arrive. Each partner can be himself or herself--with no hiding. This concept was introduced to the masses by Gary Zukav's book "Seat of the Soul." We were dramatically impacted by this concept and it has changed our lives forever. So how often are you not living your truth in relationships? What is the underlying fear that comes up for you when you think about telling your truth? We all have relationships where we don't feel safe enough to be open and honest. Those relationships are dead and aren't going anywhere. We've found that Steven Covey's phrase, "Old resentments never die--they just get buried alive and come up later in uglier ways," is so true. Haven't you had that happen in your life? If you just bury a hurt feeling or misunderstanding, it just comes up later in another situation or with another person as misplaced anger. So we have found that the only way to create outstanding relationships of all kinds is to have open, honest communication at all times and by doing it in such a way that the other person can hear your truth. This is tough. But what is tougher is having a relationship that is mired in unspoken issues. Do what Susan Jeffers suggests, "Feel the fear and do it anyway." When you do, your relationships will be more real and honest. So we challenge you this week to choose a relationship or situation that needs to be healed and tackle just one small issue that stands in the way of a more harmonious relationship. If you do, you'll be one step closer to forming a great spiritual partnership with that other person. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. - By Susie and Otto Collins In his book, "Using Your Brain-for a Change," Richard Bandler, One of the founders of Neuro-Linguistic Programming, gives a great metaphor for what happens frequently in our lives and relationships. Bandler uses the question of "Who's driving the bus?" to suggest that we put our brains on auto pilot much of the time and we aren't consciously aware of the patterns our brains run. This is also what we often do in our relationships as well. He says, "Most people are prisoners of their own brains. It's as if they are chained to the last seat of the bus and someone else is driving. I want you to learn to drive your own bus." We find this to be an amazing parallel to how we get stuck in our unconscious patterns in our relationships. In "Spiritual Partnerships" or "conscious relationships", if the purpose is to heal, learn and grow, then we need to learn to drive our own bus and be conscious at all times. In our relationship, we find that we do a pretty good job of staying conscious when we are centered and life isn't throwing us any curves. But, when life gets stressful, we allow ourselves to slip into old unhealthy patterns of past relationships. These times give us the opportunity to see the parts of ourselves that need to be healed. We have found that when the patterns emerge and the dramas of past relationships rear their ugly heads in our current relationships, we have gone to sleep and are not living in the present moment. What we do when one of the two of us discovers that a pattern from the past is being played out, we immediately bring it up to the other person and we talk about our feelings and the situation. The trick is to "kill the monster while it's little." As creators and masters of our own lives, we need to unearth these destructive patterns and resolve them once and for all. It's sometimes painful but necessary to look at yourself openly and honestly. But, we feel the first step to making any change in our lives is awareness. It's only after becoming aware of things that need to be healed can we heal them and move forward. Only when we become more aware and conscious in all aspects of what we want for our lives and relationships are we truly "driving our own bus" and are not just passengers in a bus that's careening out of control. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Soulmates: What Happens after you Find your Soulmate? - By Susie and Otto Collins What's your perception of life with your perfect soulmate? Joy, bliss, happiness--a life with no conflict and no major issues to work through? Ward and June or Ozzy and Harriet with passion? In our opinion, that just isn't the way it works. In our relationship, we are best friends--we have passion--we have joy--we are totally comfortable with each other and enjoy being together. Even with all this, we still have issues that challenge us and that "rock the boat." We hate to burst your bubble, but we believe that soulmates come together to help each other to heal, learn and grow. It's what we and others, such as Gary Zukav, call Spiritual Partnership. Some people, such as Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks and Kenny and Julia Loggins, refer to it as "Conscious Relationship." We also believe that you can find several "soulmates" in your lifetime. Wayne Dyer said that your soulmate can be the person who you can't stand but are in your life to teach you a powerful lesson. Carolyn Myss says in "Spiritual Madness" that we are here to heal the parts of ourselves that don't know God yet. We believe that Soulmates help us to heal those parts if we are willing to do the work and look at ourselves openly and honestly. Soulmates can trigger certain reactions in you that point the direction to what needs to be healed. So what happens after you find your soulmate? Remember the Zen proverb that poses the question of--What happens before enlightenment? Chop wood, carry water. What happens after enlightenment? Chop wood, carry water. We feel this is a good analogy of what happens in relationships. You still must face your personal challenges but if you're conscious and awake, you can realize that you have a powerful ally to walk beside you on your path to enlightenment. Many of us are finding that perfect "Soulmate" and many are searching for one. We suggest that you look at the people in your life--the ones who challenge you, the ones who love you. Say of prayer of gratitude for these "teachers." When someone close to you "presses your buttons," look at what you can learn from the situation. What parts of yourself need to be healed? What feelings come up for you? Marianne Williamson has said that every thing we do is either an act of love or a cry for help. That's what a soulmate does for you--they are there to love you AND to help you when you cry for help. They also have the ability to "press your buttons" and this is for your highest good. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. - By Susie and Otto Collins At our workshop this week, the women in the group all agreed that they grew up with the expectation that they would be "nice" and make everyone in the family feel good. They were not taught to speak their truth but rather hide what they were thinking in order to keep the peace. Most people believe they are being loving when they withhold perceived unpleasant information from their partner, spouse or friends. So the questions is--do you tell that other person how you feel in all situations? If you don't, is that being loving or is that lying to the other person? Bell Hooks, in her book "All About Love," would say that it's lying. She says, "Lying has become so much the accepted norm that people lie even when it would be simpler to tell the truth." She goes on to say that "In today's world we are taught to fear the truth, to believe it always hurts." We have found that when you tell the truth, it may hurt. But when you are completely open and honest, it is ultimately freeing for both people, giving you the opportunity to deepen your connection. Some of you may question this--but we feel that if you are in a spiritual partnership with the intention of growing together, there simply is no other way. Bell Hooks says that "it is impossible to nurture one's own or another's spiritual growth when the core of one's being and identity is shrouded in secrecy and lies." The lies don't even have to be that big to drive a wedge in a relationship. Just not being forthcoming with your feelings is living with a lie and will ultimately create a separation. In one of our recent weekly love and relationship Gold newsletters when we quoted David Viscott-- "If we were to live honestly, our lives would heal themselves." Hard as this seems, we believe it's the only way to live. We've done it the other way and now we're trying to do it differently. Our experience tells us that when you communicate constantly openly and honesty, that's what builds safety and trust. That's what creates the real juice in any great relationship! *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Awareness--feeling your feelings - By Susie and Otto Collins Our daughter took our grandson to his friend's birthday party this weekend and was struck by the atypical conversation among the adults. They were discussing personality types and feelings--not your normal conversation at a party for 5 year olds or 55 year olds, for that matter. In our society it is rare for a group of people who don't know each other well to feel safe enough to have a discussion about feelings. Most people go to great lengths to hide or deny their feelings about their lives, their work, their relationships and most things that matter to them. Psychiatrist Dr. David Viscott in his tape series "Emotional Resilience" says, "If we were to live honestly, our lives would heal themselves." He explains how he helps people heal by helping them find ways to acknowledge their true feelings about past, current or future events that trouble them. In our relationship, when we lose our connection, it is usually because we have not taken the time to become aware of what we are feeling and then communicate those feelings to each other. We get lost in the day to day "busyness" of life and don't take the time to "tune into" ourselves and each other. It's easy to deny your feelings, bury them, and pretend they aren't there. We all see it everyday with people we work with and our friends. They are mystified as to why their relationships lack passion and aren't working when the reality is--these people aren't willing to look at the truth of their situations. Barbara DeAngelis says that if you are repressing, you're repressing. In other words, it's impossible to repress your feelings in one area of your life and be passionate and open in other areas. If you find that you have become distant and withdrawn--emotionally or physically from someone you love—we suggest that you do as we try to do. At the next possible moment that you realize the separation and disconnection with this person, we suggest that you talk about how you are feeling and what's going on in your relationship and your life. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, authors of the book "Conscious Loving," made the commitment to each other to tell each other their feelings within10 seconds of recognizing them. How very powerful this could be if all of us felt we could make this commitment in our relationships. Imagine how much closer we could feel to the people in our lives if we could make this kind of commitment. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Relationship Advice about "If Only. . ." *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. - By Susie and Otto Collins During this past week while on vacation in Mexico, we read Conscious Living by Gay Hendricks. When we run across an important book, we will often read it together--taking turns reading aloud--while discussing and dissecting the main points. This is a great way to connect and to move through your lessons together. Gay's first lesson of conscious living is feel all your feelings deeply. He says, "Always and in every moment, embrace what is real inside yourself and focus on what is real outside yourself." This is a tough concept for anyone to master and it's just plain hard to do because no one likes to sit with pain in their life experience. We will go to any lengths to hide from our own feelings of pain and separation from ourselves, our Creator, and from others in our lives. Everytime you reach for that box of cookies, that glass of wine, or remote control when you are angry, sad, frustrated, or lonely, stop yourself. Sit quietly, find your center, and go to that place where it's safe enough where you don't have to hide from your feelings. Really examine what's going on inside of you. Gay Hendricks suggests that when you do this process, you try to remember the first time that you felt that feeling. Where were you? What was going on? Who were you with? What conversation was going on? He says that by doing this you are opening your heart to all of life--the pain and the pleasure--and therefore becoming conscious in every part of your life. This week Otto was angry at himself for unconsciously spending $185 on new sunglasses after spending two weeks studying about becoming more conscious with his finances and all areas of his life. He wasn't upset about spending the money for good quality sunglasses. He was upset that the purchase was not well thought out and not part of his financial plan. When he realized that he was becoming quiet and withdrawn, he told Susie about his feelings and went inside himself to find out what was wrong. He discovered he just felt stupid and felt like he just blew it. What might have taken days or weeks of pain was resolved in a few hours. How he resolved it was to make the choice that the purchase was in the past and to let the feelings go. He also resolved to be more "awake" when making any decision. When you consciously decide not to carry around any baggage of unexpressed feelings for any reason, you are living life more fully and more authentically. You are also creating stronger relationships with the people around you. The side benefit is that when you are real and authentic, your self esteem cannot help but flourish. So take some time when those uncomfortable feelings arise within you. Sit with them and allow yourself to breathe and feel them. Don't allow yourself to miss any part of life out of fear and unexpressed painful feelings. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Healing the Past. . .In the Present Has this ever happened to you? Somebody says something to you that immediately triggers negativity within you. You don't have a clue why you are so upset and you wonder just where that feeling came from. Tony Robbins would call this a "negative anchor"-- something that is said or something that is experienced that you associate with a previous negative event. Peter Levine refers to this as trauma being held in the body. Whatever you want to call it, the event and feelings surrounding the event, rear their ugly heads again and again until you are able to heal the original situation. This weekend, we were with Susie's extended family of 14 people, ages 1 year to 79 years. The living room was crowded as we watched the NCAA basketball game. There wasn't a chair for Otto as he stood in the doorway watching the game. Several family members offered to make room for him but he declined. As they continued to insist that he sit down, he became agitated. It took him a few hours but he realized that his agitation came from previous situations with his ex-wife when she would say to him, "Please sit down! You're driving me crazy!" His agitation was from the trauma of the past. The agitation from the present situation fired off a negative anchor within him that instantly took him back to a time in a previous relationship that needed to be healed. At that moment he pulled out the baggage from his previous unhealed relationship but had the awareness to realize that his present negativity had nothing to do with the people in the room and the present moment. He was able to let those old feelings go and live in the present moment, enjoying the game and the people in the room. This situation is what Stephen Covey talks about when he says, "Old resentments never die. They just get buried alive and come up later in uglier ways." The resentments we hold which are not resolved usually manifest themselves again in other relationships which have nothing to do with the original trauma. We suggest that the first step in healing these past resentments is to stop yourself when you first feel it and examine where the negativity is coming from. The first step to creating any change is awareness. Go back in your mind to your previous relationships--where did this feeling come from, who was there and what was the situation? It's very important to differentiate what happened in the past from what's happening now. Ultimately, you will want to work on forgiving that person and honoring how that experience created who you are today. Only after you are able to release the past, can you experience the emotional freedom that we all desire. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. How Moving Our Office is Like Your Relationships - By Susie and Otto Collins A few weeks ago we began to consider moving our home office from upstairs to downstairs. The "upstairs" office had a lovely skylight but the down side was that we couldn't see the computer screen for at least 5 hours out of the day because of the sun. This weekend we actually made the decision and moved the office. It took all day Saturday to do this and a lot of "heaving" and "hoeing." When we were done moving, it occurred to us that there were some incredible similarities between our office move and how most of us "do" relationships. Here are some similarities for you to consider:.. 1. We were comfortable upstairs--we had air conditioning and a comfortable lounge chair, neither of which are in the new office. In relationships, we get comfortable in our patterns with our mate, family members, or co-workers and often just don't want to tackle some hard issues that need to be addressed. We know what needs to be done, but for whatever reason, we just don't want to make that "move'" and challenge the situation. We may talk with a friend, co-worker or even a total stranger about the problem but are unwilling to speak to the one person with whom you have an issue. 2. We were uncertain whether this move would really be for the best--whether the pros outweighed the cons in our new office space. In relationships we'd often rather stay "stuck" in situations that are familiar to us than make changes where the outcome is uncertain. We don't know whether bringing up a certain subject or idea would really be for the best--Would it make things better or worse in our relationship? 3. Our "upstairs" office was great except for this one little part--we couldn't work on the computer for several hours during the day. We worked around this "little part" until it just had become impossible to do so. In relationships, we admit that everything is "perfect" except for this one "little part." We skirt this issue, hide it, and just don't want to face it. Whenever we say (about anything)"This is great but . . ." we are justifying or settling for something less than what we really want out of life. After the move, we have discovered that the new office space feels really good and we're glad that we made the switch. In relationships, we have found that it's often difficult and even painful to tackle the hard issues when they come up but after we do, we feel much lighter, more energized, more honest and more loving. To us, this isn't about dumping on your partner. This is about tearing down the walls so that you can have a healthier relationship. We've found that this works in your job situation as well in as your personal relationships. We've also found that things might appear to get worse before they get better when you tackle those jugular issues. For us, this has been the only way to create healthy relationships. So this week, we suggest that you consider doing something that you've been thinking about doing for awhile but have been afraid to do so. It might be a project that you'd like to do or reaching out to someone who is estranged from you. But, the most important thing is to step out of your comfort zone and take your life to the next level. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Questions to Ask Yourself When There's Been Infidelity - By Susie and Otto Collins After the shock of discovery, one of the first considerations that both people have to make is whether they want to rebuild trust and the damaged relationship or to leave. In our relationship coaching practice and workshops, we’ve guided hundreds of people through a conscious decision-making process of whether to stay and work to make their relationship better or whether to leave their relationship with grace--even when there's been infidelity. In this article, we’re offering five powerful, thought-provoking questions that you need to deeply consider if you are in this situation before you make any decision as to your next step. If you are in this situation, reflect on these questions and write out your responses without censoring or judging them. If your partner is willing and you feel like you can ask, invite him/her to answer these questions as well, and then compare your answers. Whether you are the one who had the affair or your partner cheated on you, the answer to these questions could help you to decide your next steps. 1) Are you considering leaving this relationship? Your answers and the emotions that you feel around your answers will tell you a lot about what's going on within you right now and will help guide you into your next step. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. |