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Relationship ArticlesPassion, Adventure, Romance, Pirates and Your Love Relationship 5 Reasons Couples Fight and Breakup and What you Can Do About It Friendship: The Second Part of the Love Equation that Leads to aSuccessful, Lasting and Happy Relationship
Passion, Adventure, Romance, Pirates and Your Love Relationship Can you believe it? *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Embracing The Change Around Us after a Breakup or End of a Relationship - By Susie and Otto Collins Whether you're 18 or 80, there's a lot to be learned about love and relationships from a new friend we made last week and here's what happened... We attended the funeral of Otto's good friend's mother, Juanita. Before the service began, a woman sat down beside Susie and after a few minutes, she introduced herself. Her name was Ann and she began telling Susie about her relationship with Juanita--her best friend since the first grade. As Ann reminisced about the wonderful times with her friend, she reminded Susie that change is inevitable and to love the people who come into your life, every moment of every day. Not only was Ann an example of love in action but she was a excellent teacher of graciously accepting the things in your life that you cannot change and moving forward. In that moment of her own pain, she chose to focus on her belief that Juanita was in a better place after her prolonged illness and on their good times together. She went on to say that she had buried two husbands, along with losing this close friend, and yet she continues to focus on the joy and love in her life. We think that Ann is a wonderful example of how to accept change with an attitude of gratitude for what has gone before and openness to possibilities and love. Change in our relationships and in our lives is as inevitable as the sun rising in the morning and setting in the evening. Most of us go through one or several breakups or lose our partner during our lifetime. Those changes can be very painful. Here are some suggestions that we have found to be helpful for accepting change in our relationships and in our lives: 1. Embrace "what is" When large changes happen in our lives, sometimes we would rather avoid looking at the truth and deny that the changes are happening, instead of looking at "what is." One woman called us a few days ago to ask for help to save her relationship. The only problem is that her husband, who has been in counseling for 6 months, has repeatedly asked her for a divorce. In spite of his repeated request, she seems to be holding onto a relationship that he no longer wants to be in. We're not at all suggesting that leaving a relationship or giving up on a relationship is always the best thing to do. In fact, we are great proponents of hope and revitalizing relationships. We're simply pointing out that this woman seemed to not see the "writing on the wall" and to accept his wishes and this change in her life. What we are suggesting is that in your relationships and in your life, you can always... 2. Learn from what happened Embrace every relationship, every moment as a learning experience waiting to happen. Every now and then we'll lose our connection with each other and when we do, we take time to learn from what happened. We try to come up with ways to change that will make our relationship even better. 3. Be in gratitude for what was Like Ann, no matter what has happened in your life and in your relationships, you can always be in gratitude for what has happened. Because the truth is that you are who you are in this moment because of your experiences, the people you've met, and the stories that have touched your life. We've discovered that shifting to being grateful helped ease the pain when dramatic changes rocked our lives and we think that it will do the same in yours. 4. Look at where you are now and determine how you want to begin moving forward in your life We all experience change in our lives and we hope that some of these suggestions are helpful to you as you too begin to open more to possibilities and to love. Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Romantic Things to Do to Keep Your Relationship Vibrant, Alive and Exciting- By Susie and Otto Collins It's often been said that it's the little things in life that makeall the difference.No where is this truer than when it comes to keeping yourrelationship alive, growing and vibrant.Romance can be one of those things that keeps a relationship fresh and exciting. We all have different ideas of what "romance" and "beingromantic" means. There can be a lot of unmet expectations,frustrations and feelings of failure around this idea.We don't think it has to be this way. What being romantic means to us is that we are continuouslydiscovering ways to laugh, love and connect with each otherand deepen our intimacy all the time. To us, romance is what we do on a moment-by-moment and day-by-day basis to make our relationship stronger and morepassionate. Being romantic is a way of showing our deep love for each other. Of all the romantic things to do, we've found that the smallthings make the biggest difference. Here's an example ofwhat happened the other night... Susie went camping for one night with her extended familyand since Otto doesn't like "roughing" it, he stayed home. As she snuggled down in her tent with her sister, Susiecalled Otto on her cell phone to say goodnight. She toldhim that she loved him and missed him. Although a phone call is a pretty normal thing to dobetween people who truly care about one another whenthey are apart, it can be a way to connect and rekindlelove in a romantic way like we did. Romantic things to do for each other are romantic only whenthey create the desired effect within the other person andwithin the relationship. Romance will only create the desiredeffect when it is not done out of obligation or because it isexpected. So what are the best romantic things to do to make yourrelationship more alive? That depends on you and your partner because everyoneis different. Romance is certainly in the eye of the beholder! To some people, a "no-brainer" romantic thing to do is tosend flowers. You can't go wrong with flowers, right? Wrong. You can go wrong with flowers if there is little or no "heart" in the gesture and if there's something else that the otherperson is wanting. Susie's ex-husband often brought her flowers during their 30-year marriage. Although it truly was a wonderful gesture, what she really wanted more was to connect on a deeper level with him. With that being said, here are some ideas around thenotion of romance and being romantic... 1. Pay attention to what your partner likes. If he/she likessurprises, surprise him/her. If not, don't--even if you likesurprises. Pay attention to your partner's favorite things that they seldom indulge themselves in and then do those things. It might be something your partner wouldn't buy or do for themselves like buy a cd of their favorite music. 2. A romantic gesture can be doing a very small thing.It might be after the kids are in bed, getting a bowl of icecream and two spoons--then sharing it. It might be puttingthe kids to bed without being asked. It might be a hug ora foot rub. For Susie, a romantic gesture is when Otto lovingly puts his hand on the back of her neck. 3. Romance can be taking a trip down memory lane.Visit where you went on your first date or some other placethat holds significance for the two of you. It's very romanticfor the two of us to visit the natural setting where we wenton our first date and where we got married. 4. We've heard people say that they are not romantic.If you've never considered yourself to be romantic andnever really wanted to be but your partner would likemore "romance," you can begin by changing your thinking.Instead of thinking that romance is something artificialand outside yourself that you "do," you can begin thinkingthat romance is merely ways of expressing your love thatyour partner will receive and enjoy. 5. What if you want more romance and your partnerdoesn't seem to? Be more romantic and loving yourselfin the way that your partner wants to be loved. Startwith little ways and just see what happens.Romance and being romantic are the things you do that bring you closer together and keep the spark alive.Being romantic and finding romantic things to do is something that you or anyone can do. You just have to open to more possibilities, have the desire create special times with your partner or spouse and allowthe ideas to flow from love. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. 5 Reasons Couples Fight and Breakup and What you Can Do About It Nearly everyone has experienced a relationship breakup or divorce and it can be one of the most painful periods in your life as you try to heal your broken heart. What we have discovered in our relationship coaching practice, many breakups don't have to happen. Here are four ideas to help you better understand why breakups happen and what you can do to prevent them in your relationship. 1. Old Fears Surface. It's to be expected that being in an intimate relationship will inevitable bring up fears and challenges from the past. These might include fearing not being good enough, attractive enough, wealthy enough or even feelings of abandonment. If fears are not expected, looked at and healed, they interfere in some way or another with the health of every relationship. Take some time to notice when the fears surface, be loving with yourself but look inward instead of outward blaming your partner for what clearly is your issue. Ask yourself if your fears are "true" or are you just making "stories" up in your head. If you are creating those "stories" and there's no basis of truth to them, then change your thinking. It's not always easy to do and it takes moment by moment monitoring of your thoughts. If you need help and support to make the changes you want in your life, be courageous enough to get it. 2. Not Feeling Understood, Valued, Loved and Appreciated. Everyone wants to feel understood, valued, loved and appreciated and when we're not, we tend to either withdraw or attack the other person for not meeting our needs. If you want to be appreciated, start appreciating the other people in your life. Sounds simplistic but it really works! If you are not feeling loved, start being open to seeing and feeling love and appreciation that people are giving you that you may not be aware of in your daily life. It may be that someone allows you to go ahead of them in traffic or tells you to go ahead in a grocery line. Send some appreciation back to them and to everyone around you and watch love snowball in your life. 3. Not Making their Relationship a Priority. Many couples take each other for granted and don't give their relationship the attention it needs most of the time. The lack of closeness and connection can be overwhelming and can cause great loneliness. Make your relationship a priority in your life. Set aside time everyday to connect with your partner. We believe that sex happens long before the bedroom. It starts all day long when you have thoughts about your partner--Are these thoughts positive or negative? It continues when you come together--Are you happy to see each other and express love and appreciation or do you great each other with a laundry list of chores, things to be done or grievances? These are just a couple of ways we make our relationship a priority. Try them in yours! 4. One or Both People are Made to Feel They are "Wrong." One of the biggest mistakes people make is that they make each other wrong. As soon as critical words are said, defenses and walls go up and suddenly that person who you love and they love you becomes an "enemy." Before you jump into blaming and judging your partner, stop and take a moment to breathe. Ask yourself if making your partner wrong will drive you further apart or move you closer toward healing. Open your heart to understanding the dynamics of what's going on between the two of you. Understand the full story before you start making someone wrong. So often we assume to know what is in someone's heart and we really don't. Take the time to find out! *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Instant Relationship Breakthroughs pt.1 - By Susie and Otto Collins Some people believe that change takes a very long time to happen. These people believe that if you want to improve something or change something in your life that you peck away at it and eventually you'll have want you want. It's been our experience that change happens in two ways: 1. Yes, it can take a long time to happen or 2. You can do things to create what we call "Instant Breakthroughs." You can create these "instant breakthroughs" in any area of your life if you're open to them and since our focus in this newsletter is relationships-- the big question is... How do you create "instant breakthroughs" in your relationships? Before we give you some ideas on how to do this, let us first tell you what "instant relationship breakthroughs" are... An instant relationship breakthrough is one moment when one or both of you in the relationship make a shift to do, say or act differently and there's an opening, a sense of understanding or feeling of connection and communion in the relationship that wasn't there previously. If your intention is to create these breakthroughs, then you will create the type of relationships that you want and have more love, passion, intimacy and connection. To give you an idea of what we're talking about, here are a few "Instant Relationship Breakthroughs" that you can begin practicing right now to make your relationships even better... Instant Relationship Breakthrough Idea #1 ~Be proactive and responsible in creating your life the way you want If you don't have the love you want (or anything else), you're the one who is blocking it. Think about your garden hose. What happens when it gets a major kink in it? The water doesn't flow past the kink. It's shut off until you remove the kink. That's the way we believe that it is with us in our lives. When we block our natural radiance, we block what we want from coming to us. We can choose to allow our life force to flow or not allow it to flow. It's our choice. Some of you at this point might be arguing with us and saying "I'm not blocking it. It's because of __________ (you fill in the blank) that I don't have exactly what I want in my life." Any time that you don't accept that you are the one blocking the flow of love, then you are not allowing yourself to be responsible and to begin creating the life and relationships that you want. We all have places in our lives where we can step up to the plate, so to speak, and take responsibility for turning our lives around--for making small or big changes that will make our lives and the lives of those we come in contact with better. Today, ask yourself these questions- 1. "How have I put up walls and barriers to having the love and relationships that I think I want?" 2. "What mental shifts can I make to let go of the walls and barriers that I've created that prevent me from having what I want?" Instant Relationship Breakthrough Idea #2 ~The power of making completions that have kept you from moving forward in your life and relationships. Most of us have an awareness of things that have been left unsaid that needed to be said or things that needed to be done that weren't done. If you need to do a completion about anyone or anything in your life, it can be a breakthrough moment for you and the other person. Cathy took one of our courses and told us later that she had made two completions that by doing them, she was moving forward to having what she wanted in her life. She returned all of one man's things that were left at her house, including a computer, several months after they had broken their relationship and also she decided to break it off with a married man she'd been seeing every now and then for years. These things from a former lover and the relationship that wasn't going anywhere were holding her back from being with someone who could love her the way she wanted to be loved. Completions aren't always as dramatic as Cathy's but they always free up energy for something more wonderful and powerful in our lives. On television the other day, we saw an interview with a couple who had been married 40 years. When asked how they kept their spark, they said that they never go to bed mad at each other. That's a great example of a completion--of not allowing resentments to build--of saying unsaid words that may be getting in the way of a great connection with a partner. We all have ways we can make completions in our lives that will free up energy so that we can have what we want. Anything left unsaid is an incompletion. Challenges or problems in the bedroom or around sex are almost always about unspoken truths, withheld emotions and incompletions. Today, ask yourself these questions... 1. "What is one completion that I've needed to make with someone or something?" 2. "What's one small action that I can take to start this completion process?" *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Asking for What you Want: Why is it so Difficult? - By Susie and Otto Collins Recently, Susie took her mother who has Alzheimer's disease to the hospital for an out-patient procedure to be done. They had to wait for 3 hours and to pass the time, they watched the nurses go about their duties and the other patients coming and going. As they laughed and made up stories about the people, Susie noticed an elderly woman being seated in one of the cubicles, waiting her turn to get treated. The woman appeared to be shivering because she only had a short-sleeved shirt on and the temperature in the room was a bit chilly. When a very kind nurse asked the woman if she wanted a blanket, the woman shook her head with a "no" and said that she had left her jacket with her daughter in the waiting area. As we watched this woman, she continued to sit with her arms wrapped around herself, and it appeared that she was very uncomfortable. Susie couldn't help thinking that if the woman had only accepted the warm blanket as her mother had done or if she had gone back out to the waiting area to get her jacket, she would have been so much more comfortable as she waited for her turn to have her procedure done. Although we don't really know why the woman didn't choose to either get her jacket or accept the blanket even though she appeared to be very uncomfortable, we do know that it appeared that she was unwilling to ask for what she wanted and even accept help when it was offered to her. What a relationship lesson this is! Many people fall into the relationship trap of not asking for help, thinking that they can do it all themselves and not allowing themselves to receive. They may have the belief that by not asking others for help, they are creating great relationships. We think the opposite is true! Asking for help when you need it and accepting the help of others actually opens the door to connection and intimacy. Sound strange? Here's why we say this... Nothing quite feels as good as helping other people and being appreciated for the help you give. If you are going through life with the attitude that you can help others but you won't let down your defenses to allow others to help you, you are denying them the opportunity to feel competent and be of service to you. Our relationship works so much better when both of us are willing to ask for help when we need it and ask for what we want--when neither one of us either tries to "fix" the other when they haven't asked or have the attitude that we can do it all by ourselves with no help from the other person. Here are some suggestions that have worked for us in asking for what we want: 1. First, find out what you want and need and believe that it is possible to ask and receive it. So many people don't know what they want and even if they do, they don't believe that anyone will give it to them. You have to believe that it's possible to receive the help or whatever you want. 2. Ask in such a way that the other person can hear the request. Tell the other person what you are feeling and why this is important to you. Choose a time when the person will listen to you without distractions or ask for that time. Make your request about what you need and why you need it. 3. Give a clear request. Often, people take a round about way to ask for what they want. At our son's band banquet the other day, we sat across from a couple who were talking about their high school aged son. We heard the boy's mother tell his father that when their son was talking about a fund-raising event that was going to take place the next week, the boy was really hinting that the father participate with him. She said that the boy seemed to be afraid to ask his father outright. Asking for what you want is the ONLY way you'll ever have what you want in any area of your life. We're suggesting that asking very clearly for what you want will create better relationships and as the saying goes-- you'll never know until you ask. When you ask for what you want--who knows? You might even get it! *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Friendship: The Second Part of the Love Equation That Leads To a Successful, Lasting and Happy Relationship - By Susie and Otto Collins
They were high school sweethearts and have been married for 50 years. Since they were still obviously very much in love, we asked them what their secret was.
What this man told us confirmed that they really do know one of the true secrets to a lasting, loving relationship. In his wonderful British accent, the man told us, "I really quite like her!" When he said this, his wife's faced glowed and she responded that she felt the same.
So often, we are asked the question "What's the secret to a long-lasting, loving relationship?" The British couple that we met certainly gave all of us one of those big secrets and we wanted to pass it onto you.
You see, it's not enough to be "in love" with someone in order to have a great relationship. You have to also be "in like" with them as well.
Here's what "in like" means to us... -You enjoy being and talking with them. -You would choose this person as a good friend if you weren't in an intimate relationship with them. -You choose to spend your time with them. -You choose to do things together. -You choose to accept them for who they are and not who you want them to be.
Now this may seem very simplistic but if you look around, you will see a lot of people in committed relationships who claim to love one another but they don't seem to like each other very much.
Big problem.
In our relationship, we really do "like" each other. We don't spend time together just because we're married and business partners, but we want to spend time with each other. In fact, there's NO ONE we'd rather talk to than each other. Sadly enough in many relationships it isn't this way.
When two people don't seem to like each other very much, they often put each other down, often in front of other people or they try to "fix" one another. They find other ways to spend their time than being with each other. All of this erodes trust and fosters uncertainty, worthlessness, and fear.
So if you're beginning a new relationship, take a look at how you are feeling when you are with this person. Do you feel like you are with a friend who really likes you and you like them? If not, you may want to take a close look at whether you want to stay in this relationship or not.
If you are not currently in a committed relationship and wanting to be in one, take this opportunity to practice being a better friend to the people in your life. Begin to form a vision for what you want in a relationship and be sure to include the kind of friendship that you are wanting.
If you are in a committed relationship, take a look at whether the two of you are friends or not. If you feel like there's some room for improvement, begin to act more like a friend to your partner and also ask for what you need as well. Take this opportunity to talk about how you can be better friends with each other and what that might mean.
One suggestion we'll make to help you find more to like about the person you're with is to suggest that you change what you focus on with that other person.
We recommend that you "find the overlap" between the two of you and spend your time, effort and energy in that relationship focusing on what you like, love and appreciate about that other person instead of what you don't like.
In other words, focus on the commonalities and interests that the two of you have instead of what's different about the two of you or what you don't like about the other person.
We invite you to learn from our new friends from Great Britain about how to create long-lasting, close connected relationships. Understand the importance of and cultivate not just loving that other person but continuously find ways to focus on being people that "like" each other as well. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. How Having Fun Can Be Contagious and Help You Create the Relationships and Life That You Want - By Susie and Otto Collins Recently, we went to dinner at a local restaurant with a few friends who were visiting from out-of-town. Since this is a very popular place to eat, we were told that the wait would be 30-40 minutes. While we were waiting to be seated, we talked, laughed, had fun and even sang and danced to the music that was playing in the background. Although the hostess thought we were acting very strangely for seemingly normal adults in their 30's, 40's and 50's, she began having fun with us, as well as some of the other people who were waiting with us. As we were seated well under the 30-40 minute wait, we continued our fun with the waitress as we ordered and ate our food. The owner, who had looked stressed when we came in, began joining in our fun and even posed with us for a group photo. What that taught us is how infectious fun, laughter and a positive frame of mind is and how it can affect those around us and the situations we find ourselves in. We could have gone to the restaurant, been upset by the wait and grumbled about our situation but we had it as our intention to have fun, enjoy ourselves and have a great meal. It's no coincidence that that's exactly what happened. Okay, you're probably wondering what does this have to do with creating better relationships? Just like in our example-- The answer is--that we can use the power of our intentions to create relationships that are filled with more of what we want rather than what we don't want. Great relationships are created by your intentions, focus, attitude and strategies and skills that you practice moment by moment. So often we either have no positive intention for our experiences or because of negative talk in our heads, we focus on what can go wrong. People often consciously or unconsciously create atmospheres of fear and distance with the people in their lives. What we have discovered is that it's just as easy to create an atmosphere of fun, love and connection as it is to create relationships filled with what we don't want. Some of you might be asking--if it's so easy, why doesn't everybody do it? Many of us have been "programmed" to look for problems before they happen and to focus on what is "wrong" with the situation and not what is "right." Also, as painful as it is to admit, some people hang onto relationships and situations that don't serve them because there's some underlying payoff for being the victim or martyr. That all sounds pretty cruel to say but sometimes this "programming" is so deep within us that we don't even realize what's going on. Here are a few suggestions for creating more positive relationships and a happier, more fulfilled life: 1. No matter what the situation or relationship, create your intention for what you want. It doesn't have to be elaborate. It can simply be saying to yourself--"Here's what I want to happen...." and be excited about it. Actively begin focusing on what you want for your experiences and not what you don't want. 2. Stay open to new possibilities for your relationships and your life. If you intend what you want to happen but are not open to the possibility that your life or relationships can change, they won't. Keep the past in the past and stay focused on the present. 3. Make having fun a priority in your relationships and in your life. Having fun means different things to different people. Figure out what having fun means to you and do those things and create those experiences on a regular basis. A friend of our once commented to us that life is one big adventure. We'd like to add that life can be filled with joy or filled with pain and the choice is up to you. We lovingly invite you to take one step--even a small one-- toward creating what you want this week. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Annoyances: What to do when you feel annoyed with the people in your life - By Susie and Otto Collins Did you read about this guy who had been drinking, decided to climb a fence and jumped into the Niagara river, heading over the falls? According to the news, he became the only person known to have survived a plunge over the falls without a safety device. After this man was released from a hospital and arrested, he told reporters that he had been suicidal but that this experience made him want to live. This is what we call learning from the "power of contrast." He wanted to die and then found out that maybe he didn't. When we read about this man's "adventure," we thought that it was a good illustration to answer a question from one of our newsletter subscribers. Our subscriber had a question about a quote by Robert Johnson that we used in one of our newsletter articles which was... "We forget that in falling in love, we must also come to terms with what we find annoying, distasteful and intolerable in each other and also in ourselves. Yet it is this confrontation that leads to our greatest growth." Our subscriber asked, "I would dearly love to know how to confront these things in a way that promotes this growth. Can you help?" In our experience, there are at least three ways to not just "confront" but also come to terms with and embrace the things we find annoying, distasteful and intolerable in other people and in ourselves. These ways are: 1) These annoyances can signal a place within you where you may need to grow next or something you may need to attend to. Recently, Otto sprained his ankle and has found it very annoying to not be able to walk and move as he normally likes to. But, as he reflected on the "real" energetic cause of his sprained ankle, it may have been a signal for him to slow down since we have working much longer and harder than normal on several projects during the past month. His "growth edge" may be to continue to appreciate the passion with which he approaches everything in his life, while at the same time learn balance. 2) These little (or big) annoyances may be magnifying some behavior within you that you need to look at and possibly change. Several years ago, Susie supervised several employees. At times when she found that these employees were not completing various projects to her satisfaction, she jumped in, took over and "saved the day." In the process of "taking over," she tended to insensitively step on her employees' "toes," making them feel inadequate and incompetent. As luck would have it, she attracted a boss to her who treated her the same way she had treated her employees. Because she got to feel firsthand how her employees must have felt, Susie changed the way she supervised them to reflect a more "team" approach. She learned to not rush in and "take over" but rather give encouragement and help if asked. 3) As we said earlier, there is a lot to be learned by the power of contrast. By looking at what you find distasteful about others, you are able to determine what you want and what you don't want in your life. For example, we get many pleas for help from people in relationships where they are not being honored in various ways or even abused by their partners. Those people have the opportunity to look at their partner's behavior and decide if this is what they want in their life. They are given the opportunity to begin saying what they want and if they are still not being honored, begin making the changes that will bring them the life they deserve. So, in giving you these examples, we've given you perhaps a different way to look at what you find annoying and distasteful in others and in yourself. If you are finding that you are becoming annoyed, upset or irritated with other people's behavior (or even you're own), take this opportunity to look within yourself and ask, "What can I learn from this situation?" By asking this simple question, you will find yourself healing and growing in ways that you never felt were possible. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. How to keep passion alive after the honeymoon - By Susie and Otto Collins Somewhere in the back of your mind, during all of your wedding planning, you're probably wondering how to keep passion and excitement alive in your relationship after the honeymoon. We think that there are some things you can begin doing right now that can not only keep the passion you have for one another alive but also deepen it as time goes on. 1. Consciously communicate what is most important to you in your relationship and your life. Schedule a time each day-even if it's 15 minutes--to turn off the television, sit close and make eye contact with each other and take turns talking about what is important to you-what your goals and needs are-and it doesn't have to be about your relationship. Simply communicating what you love about each other keeps passion alive. 2. Understand, embrace and learn from your differences. First, become aware of your differences and don't assume that your partner thinks just like you think and his/her priorities are just like yours. Next, talk about these differences and share what is important to you. Remember to listen with an open heart and not judge. Just because someone likes to do something in a little different way than you doesn't mean it isn't the "right" way. Look at your preconceived notions about the "right" ways to do things. Just because your mother did something a certain way doesn't mean it has to be done that way forever. If there are conflicts about the ways in which things are done or where the priorities are placed, we recommend that you devise a new way of doing things. Perhaps a third way that might be even better than the two previous ways of looking at or doing things. Turn your attention to appreciating each other's gifts instead of holding onto what we think is the "right way to do it." 3. Leave all the stuff from previous relationships with those old relationships. The "old stuff" will come up-it always does-- and you'll wonder if this is the person you married. The trick that we've found is for each person to become aware that it is "old stuff" from previous relationships and that this is an opportunity to heal. Learn to help each other recognize, in a way that can be heard, when old destructive patterns are emerging. Instead of being judgmental, be a friend when your spouse goes into these patterns and ask that he/she does the same for you. 4. Don't run away when things get tough. We decided early in our relationship that we were willing to keep talking until we resolve our differences and not run away from them like in previous relationships. We were also willing to "kill the monsters" while they are little. In other words, when we feel something coming between us, we tell the other person how we are feeling without pointing fingers at him/her. 5. Make conscious agreements with your partner. Conscious agreements do not take the passion and mystery out of the relationship. We've found it to be just the opposite. They require you to take an inventory of what you want and be honest with each other. We've created agreements about giving gifts to each other, where and how to spend time at holidays, how we want to be greeted by each other when we come home and how we want to be loved. Conscious agreements build trust. 6. Treat each day as if it were your last together. From the beginning of our relationship, we practice using loving words with each other and express our gratitude to the other for being in our lives. We are well aware that this day may be our last together. There are no guarantees in life. When we talk about each other to other people, we are conscious of using loving words instead of critical ones. We think that this kindness in words and expressing gratitude are important ingredients that help create and maintain trust, intimacy, and passion in our relationship. Choose to build each other up instead of tear each other down. Choose to love each other with thoughts, actions, and words and you will see a positive difference in your relationship. These are 6 ways that we use everyday to deepen our passion and make our relationship sensational. Love is a miracle. Choose to treat your relationship as the wonderful gift it is. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Forgive and Forget? We Don't Think So! - By Susie and Otto Collins In every relationship you're involved in, it's inevitable that something will happen in the relationship that will cause you to be upset or angry with the other person or the other person will be upset with you. Many of us try to forget what has happened to us without really taking the time to address the issue. We believe that in most cases, you really don't forget and here's why. Have you ever had the feeling that the harder you try to "forget" something, the more you end up focusing on it? If someone says to you, "Don't think of the color blue" "Don't think of the color blue" "Don't think of the color blue," no matter how hard you try, you probably can't stop visualizing or thinking about the color blue. The same thing happens when you try to "forget" a negative situation that has an emotional charge to it. No matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to do it. You think you've forgotten but it's come back up in other ways. We believe that instead of forgetting, you have to forgive and let go. Many people write to us wanting to know how they can forgive when they have been wronged--a spouse cheated on them; they've been abused in one way or another; or maybe their feelings have been hurt and they don't feel loved or valued. What we have found is that the process of healing a relationship requires more than forgiveness. You must also let go. But let go of what? In almost all cases when you are having a difficult time forgiving someone, you are holding on to an attachment of some kind or another. The attachments most commonly manifest themselves in the need to be justified, the need to be honored, the need to be right, the need to be vindicated, the desire for revenge, and the inability to move past fear. So when you are holding onto an attachment, what you are actually doing is holding onto a position which is serving you in some way but it is not moving you forward in healing the relationship. Eckhart Tolle in his book "The Power of Now" talks about how to let go of negativity and we think that the same holds true for letting go of attachments-Tolle says to let go of negativity "by dropping it. How do you drop a piece of hot coal that you are holding in your hand? How do you drop some heavy and useless baggage that you are carrying? By recognizing that you don't want to suffer the pain or carry the burden anymore and then letting go of it." Just decide to do it. Susie and her sister moved their mother from her home of 50 years to an assisted living Alzheimer's facility. At the beginning of this process, their mother had anger, hurt, and resentment toward her daughters and her new situation. From the time of taking their mother's car away from her, Susie and her sister began practicing letting go of their mother's anger, while allowing her to feel her feelings. They continually practiced forgiving the words of anger that were directed toward them and just sent her love. Susie practiced a "Thirty-Nine Day Prayer of Forgiveness" given to her by Shaman Connie Parkinson to help with this situation with her mother. She's used it before to help heal a broken relationship. Here it is--along with an explanation--and we urge you to try it. It really works! "Every day, for 39 days, all alone and in private, you say the following: (Name), I thank you for all you have done to me and those I love. I ask your forgiveness for all I have done to you. Let us begin a new relationship. (Your own name), I love you. You are an exceptionally wonderful and beautiful person and I approve of you. This prayer is extremely simple, It's extremely hard, it's extremely effective. By thanking the one who has injured you, you are putting yourself a little bit in that person's place, and you are recognizing that everyone is driven by impulses we are not to know, and that everything that happens to you is for your growth and your good." By asking forgiveness for yourself, you are recognizing that you had a part in the relationship. By telling yourself that you love and approve of you, you are renewing strength in the one human being in your life who can truly help you-- yourself. The 3 is for the triune spiritual effect of will, action, and manifestation. The 9 brings an ending to your grief and anger and resentment against the person. The prayer itself opens you to a new understanding of both yourself and the one who injured you. The only thing you are trying to change is yourself and your emotions. As for the relationship, wait and see. You could be surprised how you'll feel toward this person at the end of 39 days." Along with this exercise, if you want to move toward forgiveness in your life, here are two questions for you to answer that will help you in this process: *Who do I need to forgive? *What step do I need to take to begin this process? We encourage you to start today to do what you know that you need to do to begin letting go of what you have been holding onto and moving into creating the life and having the love that you want. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Flirting Guide: When Is Flirting a Good Thing? So what's the difference between flirting and just being friendly? *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. - By Susie and Otto Collins A woman we'll call "Jane" thought she was a great "catch" and a "perfect partner" but she wondered why her relationships always seemed to fail. Here's what she wrote to us-- "I dated men of various ages and cultures but all my relationships ended up in disaster. I constantly searched, hoping for love to come my way. Then I started reading your newsletters. I carried a lot of personal baggage from my past and set unrealistic standards and expectations for my lovers hoping they would fail because I was afraid to fail. I was afraid they would hurt me and disappoint me, so I made sure I would be in control when they did." In this situation, Jane has an incredible opportunity in front of her. She can continue as she has been, being fearful and attracting people who will disappoint her or she can learn from what she has discovered about her patterns from the past. It's been our experience that we attract the people into our lives who show us what we need to heal within ourselves, new possibilities for the future, and the contrast of what we want and don't want in our lives. We take the rather contrarian view that there are no relationship mistakes or failures and only opportunities to heal, learn, grow and experience joy. Even though "Jane" thought her relationships were failures, each one was actually another chance to become more emotionally aware of what was going on inside her, what she wanted for her life and to give her an opportunity to heal and create new ways to do it differently. What we have found is that we keep attracting the same type of person, not just intimate partners, and experiences into our lives until we heal the past and "do it differently." Otto's car is a black Buick Century with leather seats. He's very hot natured and since we live in Ohio where the summers are very hot and humid, he suffers in his "hot" car. He loved the way the car looked on the showroom floor, but his day-to-day experience has given him a powerful lesson of what he doesn't want in a car. As you can imagine, he's made a clear intention through the power of contrast that his next car will not be black or have leather seats. He had an opportunity to learn this lesson when he was 18 years old and drove a black Ford Pinto station wagon with no air-conditioning to Tampa, Florida at the beginning of August. He swore then as he sat in traffic with sweat dripping onto the steering wheel that he'd never have another black car. Obviously, he hadn't learned this lesson so he needed to bring another black car into his experience. The point is that Otto has finally learned from this valuable experience and will do it differently the next time, although he really likes a lot about his current car. This story is an example of coming to an awareness of what you want and what you don't want and of learning from past experiences that are not "failures" but are opportunities for expansion and growth. Please don't misunderstand us and think that we are recommending that because you don't like something about your current partner or job that you "throw them away" and get another "model." What we are recommending is that you take the opportunity to become emotionally aware, like "Jane" did, as much of the time as possible. Decide that you deserve to have a great relationship and a great life, whatever that means to you. We are inviting you to learn from the past and the power of contrast so that you can begin creating the life you want. Here are some ideas to help you... 1. Whenever something is important to you, don't stuff it down and pretend it doesn't matter. Have the courage to share it with your partner. 2. Accept responsibility for your part in past relationships that haven't worked out the way you wanted them to work out. Look for reoccurring patterns that will show you where you need to heal. 3. Know that there's no such thing as failure in relationships, only experiences that you may not have enjoyed. 4. Embrace the idea that no matter what has happened in your relationships up until now, the future can be different. So in a sense, each person who comes into our lives is "the perfect partner" for us if we use these experiences that we have with them to heal, learn and grow. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. One Way To Honor and Build Trust in Your Relationship and Each Other - By Susie and Otto Collins There are things in every relationship that are sacred. One of these things that we think is most sacred is the trust that can be developed if both people in the relationship honor that thoughts and feelings, whether they are of a positive nature or negative, will be shared first with each other. Here's an example from our own lives to show you what we mean about honoring.. Both of us, in our previous relationships, felt the need to talk to friends and not always our spouses about what was really on our minds. We often chose to tell our inner most secrets and frustrations to our friends and omit this information when we talked with our spouses. Although this wasn't the primary reason both of these relationships ended in divorce, we think that it was one way that trust was eroded and not built in those relationships. When we got together in our relationship, we figured out that if we hoped to have a relationship built on trust and deep connection that this type of intimate sharing with others was a pattern of behavior that had to stop. If there was conflict, disagreement or challenges that came up, we agreed that we would talk to each other instead of venting our frustrations with a friend or co-worker. This was our sacred agreement with each other. We just love Bruce Springsteen's song, "If I should fall behind" because it says exactly how we have chosen to be in a relationship with each other. In the song he says, "Let's make our steps clear so the other can see." To us, this means telling the other person what we are thinking as soon as we have sorted it out ourselves. We don't feel like we have to hide or sugar-coat our truth about a situation or unload on a friend how we are truly feeling without first telling each other. This doesn't mean we never talk to friends and other family members about our thoughts or what's happening in our lives. Quite the contrary. What we are saying is that we have agreed to tell each other first, things that are personal and feelings that come up about the other person. If you find that you have been complaining to other people about your partner or someone close to you and you are not telling your partner how you are feeling, stop. By talking to others first about your issues instead of the person involved, you will continue to erode the safety and trust in your relationship. By talking to others about your issues instead of the person your conflict is with, you could be playing the role of the victim or martyr. Believe it or not, you may actually be enjoying the sympathy and attention from other people that you are getting from complaining about the situation with your partner. If you want to build trust and create a close, connected relationship, we've found that this kind of behavior has to stop. Choosing to let your partner know where you stand and what is going on inside you is not only a way to build trust but also a way to deepen your connection as well.. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. How Differences Can Help Your Relationship *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. Keeping Your Relationships Beautiful... - By Susie and Otto Collins During one of the recent storms in our area, a small tree fell on our property and created quite a mess. As we were cutting the tree into pieces small enough to carry, Otto made an interesting connection between what it takes to make a beautiful yard and home and what it takes to make a beautiful relationship. Otto really dislikes doing any kind of yard work such as clearing the brush, raking leaves, shoveling the snow or mowing the grass. Although he dislikes the work it takes to keep the property looking good, he has really come to appreciate how beautiful our home looks when it is taken care of. It's the same way in your relationships. There are many things that you may dislike or maybe not want to take the time to do that will help you to create a beautiful relationship if you do them. Every relationship that is important to you requires maintenance. The relationship has to be taken care of if you want it to be one that is close, connected, alive and full of passion. Even if you don't care that your relationship is comparable to those in romance novels, it still requires that you pay attention to it and give it some ongoing care and love. So what types of things do we consider to be important for the ongoing care of a great relationship? --Be honest and talk about things as they come up between you. Don't bury your feelings. They only come up later as resentment. Whenever you find that you are feeling something that you haven't expressed, communicate these things as soon as and as lovingly as you can. So often people allow small issues to grow into mountains that come between them. Take care of them when they come up. --Be considerate and grateful. Take the time to be considerate of each other and express your gratitude that you are in each other's lives. In many relationships, there is the temptation to take each other for granted. There may be the feeling that you don't have to be kind and express your love and gratitude to your partner because he/she already knows. Do it anyway. We feel that being considerate and being grateful is a joyful way of life that helps to create a close, connected partnership. --Make time to be together. When couples come together, they often spend a lot of time getting to know one another and having fun together. Then, as children enter the picture and their attentions shift, their intention to spend time together gets buried and lost in their everyday activities. What we are suggesting is to make it your intention to spend time together, really being together, even if it's to sit and talk alone for a few moments over coffee. These are just some ideas that we use to keep our relationship beautiful. We suggest that you don't just stop with these ideas that we're offering you here. Come up with your own ideas for what it would take to create the kind of relationship that you really want and then do these things. When you do, we think you will be well on your way to creating a more connected and beautiful relationship. *********************************************** Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" and "Communication Magic". In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. How to Use Completions to Move From the Past to a Promising Future |