How to Catch a Cheating Spouse Articles

Why Men Cheat and How to Stop It

by Amy Waterman

The statistics are sobering: between one in five and one in four men -- at least -- have cheated on their wives. And that's not including the affairs that occur in casual or long-term relationships. According to sites like Womensavers.com men who cheat should be branded so that no more women will make the mistake of falling for him again.

For many of us, our immediate response is harsh judgment. A man who cheats lacks self-discipline, doesn't respect his partner, and is undeserving of any trust in the future. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

But is that the whole picture? Is an affair merely about the temptation of sex and a man's weak will? Or are there layers to adultery that might reveal startling insights into what keeps relationships together and drives them apart?

Helen Fisher's stunning book, The Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray, argues that there were genetic payoffs to cheating for both men and women, back during the earliest days of human history. While men sought to spread their genes, women sought to acquire resources through sneaking off with lovers. Each male conquest could provide her with extra gifts, food, and shelter. Plus, these extra males provided "insurance" against the event of her mate dying or not being a satisfactory provider.

It could be argued, then, that cheating is a biological possibility for all of us, whether male or female, and nowhere is temptation more rampant than in the workplace. As men and women increasingly spend longer hours away from home in a mixed-gender environment, we begin to feel more connected to our co-workers than our spouses. If we do consider cheating, there may not be enough negative consequences to outweigh the positive. Today, there are fewer societal consequences for those who do cheat, and divorce often becomes the "easy" option.

Although all of us experience temptation, it's important to (1) recognize that there are men who simply cannot stay monogamous, so, if you've found yourself one of those, you're unlikely to be able to change him - period - and (2) to recognize that your average "good guy," who has no history of cheating and likes to think of himself as loyal to his woman, can seek comfort outside your relationship if his basic emotional needs aren't being met.

This newsletter will deal with the second case - not how cheaters can be kept from cheating, but how a good solid relationship can be further "cheat-proofed" against infidelity.

New flash: men don't just cheat for the sex. Sex is one component - but perhaps not even the most important - of an affair. Men may cheat out of boredom, out of a desire to find resolution to an uncomfortable marital situation, out of a desire to "prove" themselves, out of an inability to be intimate, and more.

More importantly for us, average men - the kind of guy who normally wouldn't cheat - can be tempted into having an affair for all the feelings surrounding sex: that of being desired, being admired, and, yes, even being worshipped. According to one of my favorite male experts David Zinczenko (author of Men, Love & Sex):

Alexandra Penney, author of How to Keep Your Man Monogamous, agrees. Although sex is the most obvious motivation for an affair, it's not the primary motivation. She argues that the primary motivation often has to do with a man's needs not being met in a relationship, whether those needs are sexual or emotional.

One of the needs a man has is to know that he is desired by his partner and is able to make her happy. That's why, according to Barbara and Allen Pease, "A common fantasy for most men is a sensuous, unknown woman coming on to him and finding him irresistible. He satisfies her every need - her every need" (Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps 215).

Sadly, in many relationships, men and women alike stop showing how attracted they are to their partner. They assume that the other person should "just know." As one man said, "I married her, didn't I?" But wearing a marriage ring doesn't reassure your partner on a daily basis that you still find him or her attractive: words and actions do.

One sign of a relationship on the rocks is lack of sexual intimacy, so make sure that sex remains a priority in your relationship. Even if you're tired and stressed, don't see sex as a luxury. It's when you're tired and stressed that you need that intimate connection the most.

Second, men need to feel that they can make their partner happy. According to John Gray, a man has to be certain that he can make you happy before he'll contemplate a relationship with you. If you've established a pattern of nagging your partner and pointing out the ways in which he doesn't measure up, then you're literally driving your partner away. Gratitude and appreciation are much greater motivators than the desire to avoid hearing you nag.

Tip #2. Allow Him to Be the Man You Dated

Usually, in the beginning of a relationship, men and women are on the same wavelength. She finds him irresistible, and he finds her irresistible. Anything one does pleases the other beyond belief.

As people are together longer and longer, their expectations go up. They find that they have to do more and more to please the other person in the same way. For example, while getting a takeout pizza may have been a treat in the early days of the relationship, a married man may find that he has to spring for a four-course meal with an expensive bottle of wine before his wife is equally as happy.

The same can go for sex. While just getting naked together was exciting enough in the early days of the relationship, a couple that has been together for a while may find that even sex isn't enough to make them feel physically and emotionally connected. Instead, sex becomes a habit, a duty, something that's done more out of a feeling that it ought to be part of the relationship rather than real desire.

Here's a technique that can work to reawaken your admiration and respect for your partner again. Can you remember what you thought of him back when you started dating? Can you let him be that man -- that man who wasn't defined by his relationship with you? Can you allow him to make his own mistakes, make decisions, and take the lead?

Often, we emasculate men by treating our husband like one of our children. Rather than leaning on his shoulder for support, we pick up his clothes, fix his meals, and remind him of appointments, effectively cutting him out of any responsibility. If we were still dating, would we stand for that? Of course not!

Simply asking your man for help and allowing him to be your hero - even if he doesn't do things as well as you do - can do wonders in making him feel recommitted to your relationship.

Tip #3. Love Yourself Anyway

It may seem counterintuitive to say that how you feel about yourself affects whether or not your partner will cheat on you, but, according to Don Miguel Ruiz, people only tend to abuse us to the extent that we already abuse ourselves. Otherwise, you wouldn't stand for it, and you'd be out of that relationship in a heartbeat.

If you feel like you're not good enough or not attractive enough for your husband, he is going to pick up on your feelings. I've seen it time and time again: a man thinks the world of the woman in his life until she reminds him, time and time again, how overweight or unattractive or old she is. She puts doubts in his mind that would have never occurred to him normally.

Love yourself! You are enough for your partner. You are as sexy as you feel. If long hours working and parenting are getting you down and you notice that your body isn't as firm as it is, then ask your husband for help and find some time to dedicate to yourself. Your body's health matters. The healthier you are, the more energy you will have, and the more attractive you will be.

If you love yourself, you will respect yourself too much to tolerate abusive behaviors. This includes the ways in which we argue. If you and your partner hurl personal insults in the course of an argument, you owe it to yourselves to study alternative methods of resolving your conflicts. Words can and do hurt.

Most importantly, the more you love yourself, the more radiant you will appear to all men. Your partner will feel so proud that he has you on his arm that he'll never want to risk that with an affair. You owe it to yourself to be the best, most loving, most beautiful version of yourself that you can be. If you don't respect yourself enough to take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, then how can you expect him to give you the respect you deny yourself?

The three tips I've given you above are not the whole answer to the tricky and complicated issue of affairs, but they will have a significant effect on making your relationship more resistant to the temptation of an affair. You have an advantage in that your partner loves you, and youare the one he has chosen. If you nurture it in small ways by showing him your desire for him, showing him how he makes you happy, and allowing him to be your hero, then your love will continue to grow stronger.

P.S. Wondering if your partner is cheating without being able to prove your suspicions is a horrible feeling. That's why I was so happy to find out that there are books out there that will help you get the proof you need before you make a horrible mistake by confronting an innocent man. Check out my friend Sarah's book, How to Catch a Cheating Spouse.You'll learn the facts about cheating and what you should do if it's happening to you.

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