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Anatomy of an Affair ArticlesOprah Winfrey Show Episodes: The Clara Harris Sentence Key Indicators of Extramarital Affairs Oprah Winfrey Show Episodes: Commentary by The Clara Harris Sentence - Oprah Winfrey is an incredible television host and interviewer. She shows tremendous versatility in the range of topics she presents and the variety of people she has interviewed over the years. Oprah always seems to know exactly what questions to ask and how to get the most out of her interviews. She did just that during her interview with Clara Harris, the Texas woman who was found guilty of murdering her husband after she learned that he was having an extramarital affair. In discussing the Clara Harris sentence and the issues that led to her conviction, Oprah provided Clara Harris an opportunity to explain her side of the story. Early on during the interview, it became clear that Clara Harris's behavior was prompted by the shock and devastation she experienced when she found out that her husband was having an extramarital affair with a co-worker. It also became abundantly clear throughout the interview that Clara explained her husband's death as an "accident" which resulted from the extreme distress she experienced as a result of finding her husband with his lover. In spite of Oprah's ability to show a side of the Clara Harris case that had not until then been available, I am nevertheless very disappointed in what I felt (by Oprah's omission) was a validation of Clara's account of her conduct. First, it troubles me that Oprah did not challenge Clara on the indisputable fact that her children are now without a father- and the reason for that is because she killed him. Instead, Clara tearfully described (without challenge) her pain of not being able to parent her children. There was also an element of callousness in Clara Harris as she described in a "matter of fact" way how she explained to her children that their father was accidentally killed - as if that was enough to address the fact that their father was taken from them forever and ever. Second, there is the issue of Clara Harris' conduct following her discovery of her husband's extramarital affair. Oprah did not challenge Clara Harris on this either. I am not condoning infidelity or excusing Clara Harris' husband's conduct. But surely, Clara Harris' reaction to his infidelity - which included some very extreme behavior such as plans for cosmetic surgery, making love to him several times a night, stalking him, hiring a private investigator, assaulting his lover and then running him over repeatedly - is not normal, acceptable or excusable. Unfortunately, infidelity is a painful reality for many relationships. In fact, recent studies reveal that 50-60% of married men and 45-55% of married women engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship (Atwood & Schwartz, 2002 - Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy)." As you can see, Clara Harris is not the only wife to have been cheated on. And yes, the betrayal of infidelity frequently causes deep wounds that often take years to heal. But does this justify murder? Clearly, the court that handed down the Clara Harris sentence didn't think so. Oprah, how come you did not pick up on this? What do you think Dr. Phil would have likely said? I know. He would have probably said what he often does when faced with people who don't take responsibility for their behavior. He would have said - "step up to the plate and be accountable". Oprah - I think you missed the boat on this one. Recovering from Infidelity?Learn How to make the Process Less Painful CLICK HERE What Do Infidelity Statistics Mean? by Dr. Reena Sommer Recent studies reveal that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship (Atwood & Schwartz, 2002 - Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy) Do These Infidelity Statistics Seem a Bit Startling?... Basically, what these findings suggest is that approximately one half of all married men and women seek intimacy outside of their committed relationships. But what does this really mean? Why are the number of men and women having extramarital affairs so high? I'll tell you - these staggeringly high infidelity figures mean that something is really lacking in their marriages to lead them to look else where. Lacking... This may come as a complete surprise, but most extramarital affairs are NOT about sex! If not sex, then what? Pay attention - the reason most people find intimacy with someone outside of their marriage is because their emotional needs are not being met. Yes, it's true! Most cases of infidelity are about wanting to feel emotionally connected to someone. I realize that what I am suggesting may not be particularly popular, especially among men and women who are on the receiving end of infidelity. Clearly, finding out that your spouse or partner has cheated on you is both shocking and painful. Realizing that you are just another infidelity statistic is not something one is wants to flaunt. The reality is that there are a lot of unsatisfying and empty relationships out there. However, the reason why infidelity statistics are as high as they are is because people place a higher value on their careers, children, friends or hobbies and not on their relationships with their partners. Think about it - if you neglect any of these others, certainly they would falter and fail. Is it not surprising that your relationship would likewise fail? The bottom line is - if you want to avoid becoming yet another infidelity statistic, then you must nurture and prioritize your relationship with your spouse or partner. As you may have already figured out, just like planes, relationships cannot be maintained on "auto-pilot" indefinitely. Recovering from Infidelity?Learn How to make the Process Less Painful CLICK HERE Emotional Infidelity - What Exactly Is It?
I am often asked - "What constitutes infidelity?" And... "Is the defining feature of infidelity purely having sexual relations outside of a committed relationship?" Or... Is there more to infidelity than just sex? The answer is not easy because how infidelity is defined differs from one person to another. Coming up with a definition of infidelity is also based largely on people's values, morals and individual perspectives of life and relationships. So while some people may view infidelity as being strictly a breach of a sexual bond, others may view it more broadly by including a breach of emotional bonds. Chatrooms & Cybersex The idea that establishing an emotional bond with someone other than one's spouse or partner as a form of cheating - commonly referred to as emotional infidelity has considerable validity especially considering the growing popularity of online chatrooms. Think about it, the idea of cybersex has its origins in two people who may be physically separated by hundreds or even thousands of miles, connecting on an emotional level through their computers. There is no doubt that finding out that your spouse had sex with someone other than you is shocking, painful and devastating - and something that is not easily overcome. However, when pressed, most people will agree that it is the emotional connection that may have existed in that extramarital relationship that poses the true threat to a marriage. The Bottom Line for Emotional Infidelity The bottom line is - to avoid any kind of infidelity - be it sexual infidelity or emotional infidelity, it is essential to nurture the emotional connection you have with your spouse or partner. Recovering from Infidelity?Learn How to make the Process Less Painful CLICK HEREby Dr. Reena Sommer Finding out that your spouse has cheated on you usually comes as a huge surprise and shock. In fact, most people are caught completely off guard when they discover that their spouse is having an extramarital affair. Even when people readily acknowledge that their marriage or relationship is unsatisfying and in trouble or when they are able to admit that they suspect infidelity, the reality of a cheating spouse is usually too much to bear. Because having to accept that one may be married to a cheating spouse is painful and unacceptable, most will choose to overlook some very obvious signs of a cheating spouse. Sadly, once the infidelity is discovered, people generally feel angry at their own ignorance in not recognizing the signs of a cheating spouse. If your relationship is not what it used to be and you are beginning to feel that you are no longer as important to your spouse as you once were, you may want to familiarize yourself with the following list of the 10 signs of a cheating spouse:
While any of these signs is not necessarily a sure sign that your spouse is cheating, when they occur in clusters (i.e., more than three), it should alert you to the possibility that he or she may be having an extramarital affair. It simply means that you should be sharing your concerns with your spouse and talking about what is lacking in the relationship. The bottom line is - strong, healthy and satisfying relationships are never at risk for infidelity. To learn more aboutwhy spouses stray from their marriages CLICK HERE Key Indicators of Extramarital Affairs by Dr. Reena Sommer If you have been on the receiving end of cheating or infidelity, then you probably wished you could have seen the extramarital affair coming. And most likely, looking back, you know all too well that the indicators of extramarital affairs were present - except you just chose to overlook them. If You Suspect that Your Spouse or PartnerMay Be Cheating or Having an Affair...Please Read On If you are correct in your suspicions, it may be too late to save your relationship, but it will not be too late to save your self respect. Finding out that your spouse has been cheating, will also give you some control over the situation and the ability to make choices and decisions that could otherwise not be available to you. On the other hand, if your suspicions prove to be false, then now is the opportunity to take a hard look at your relationship and evaluate what needs to be done to improve it. Signs of Infidelity Generally, when people are having extramarital affairs, there will be noticeable and sudden changes in their behavior. These indicators of extramarital affairs can usually be seen in changes in people's:
The above indicators provide a basic framework of what is often seen in people who are having extramarital affairs. This is by no means an exhaustive list of what often occurs among cheating spouses. To learn more aboutthe indicators of extramarital affairs CLICK HEREInfidelity Investigation - What Exactly Does It Involve? by Dr. Reena Sommer Did you know that most common issue private investigators are hired for is infidelity investigations? Talk to any "Private - I" and invariably, you will be told that bulk of their work involves conducting surveillance of spouses who are suspected of having extramarital affairs. Based on my own experience working with men and women who believe that their relationship with partners may be affected by infidelity, considerable money is spent paying for infidelity investigations. How Are Infidelity Investigations Conducted? There is no rocket science to conducting infidelity investigations. The first step is to hire a licensed private investigator. Although anyone can do surveillance, having a license to do so exempts a private investigator from being charged with stalking. This is important to know because the most common technique used in infidelity investigations is "passive surveillance". What this means is the investigator simply monitors and observes the person suspected of marital infidelity and then then gathers evidence to show that this may actually be happening. Generally, evidence of cheating comes in the form of photos. However other times, a private investigator may use a more active form of surveillance such as planting recording devices in a person's home, office or vehicle. Regardless of the approach used by private investigators in conducting infidelity investigations, you can be certain that the process will be both time consuming and costly. This is mainly because it takes considerable time to gather the type of evidence that will show that the suspected spouse is actually cheating. Needless to say, most people who are having an extramarital affair are reasonably discreet and go to great lengths not to get caught cheating. With this in mind, it is understandable that a private investigator may spend long hours parked outside of a home, office, restaurant or hotel with the hope of finding the right opportunity to gather evidence of an extramarital affair. Mistakes People Make There most critical error people most often make when they retain an investigator to conduct an infidelity investigation is to let their spouse know that he or she is under surveillance. In most cases, people are not so stupid as to tell their spouses that they are being monitored. Instead, they do make the mistake of not keeping the infidelity investigation completely secret. And by talking to friends, neighbors, co-workers or family members, information about the surveillance increases the likelihood that the information will inevitably leaks out. This of course will sabotage the whole infidelity investigation when the spouse suspected of cheating gets wind of what is going on. Similarly, when the private investigator reports that he or she is close to getting hard evidence of the suspected infidelity, the client may blurt this out and inform the cheating spouse before the infidelity investigation is complete. As you can see, these are two examples of serious mistakes people often make. There is no doubt that infidelity is a source of considerable emotional turmoil and pain. For some affected spouses, hiring a private investigator to provide proof of the infidelity is important in helping them come to terms with the extramarital affairs. For other spouses, finding out the truth may be too painful to bear. Before retaining a private investigator to conduct an infidelity investigation, it is best to consider your motivations for doing so and your likely reaction to the evidence that is gathered. Recovering from Infidelity?Learn How to make the Process Less Painful CLICK HEREThe Truth About Emotional Love Affairs by Dr. Reena Sommer The Origin of Emotional Affairs During the past decade the definition of infidelity or extramarital affairs has broadened to include the emotional connections that develop between two people outside of a marriage. Although intense emotional bonding has always been a part of extramarital love affairs, there is no doubt that the increased popularity of Internet based chat lines has been responsible for the realization that extramarital affairs and infidelity go beyond having sex outside of marriage or a committed relationship. And thus, the "emotional affair" is becoming more common among people who feel a sense of emptiness and lack of fulfillment in their current relationship or marriage. Do Emotional Affairs Last? The question is - "do emotional affairs last?" Although maintaining a long term secret love affair is both stressful and challenging because of the logistics and deception involved, it is the emotional connection that develops between the two lovers that sustains the extramarital affair. Clearly, sexual intimacy is an important element of any intimate relationship. But it should also be recognized that much of the passion in a physical relationship comes from the emotional intimacy that exists between the partners. In other words, it's the emotional connection that fuels the sexual intimacy and it is the glue that holds the relationship together over time. Why Affairs Occur in the First Place? Another way to look at this issue is to consider the reasons for why the infidelity occurred in the first place. Unless the affair was the result of a one-night stand, poor judgment or too much to drink, then it is likely that what led to it was an absence of emotional intimacy in the marriage or committed relationship. Had it been present, there is no doubt that the infidelity would not have occurred. To learn more aboutemotional love affairs orwhy extramarital affairs develop CLICK HERECheating Wives:Why Do They Cheat? by Dr. Reena Sommer One of the greatest misconceptions about infidelity concerns who is doing the cheating. Common belief would have it that it is men who are the ones who are doing the cheating. However, based on the number of web searches, the most common infidelity-related term is "cheating wives". The question therefore is - what would account for the disparity is people's perceptions about infidelity? Why is the common belief that it is husbands who are cheating when the concern is really about cheating wives? In answering these questions, it may be worthwhile to consider why anyone would cheat on their spouse or partner. Clearly, if people are in satisfying relationships, there should be no reason to cheat or stray. When true intimacy (and not just sex) exists in a relationship, it would seem absolutely crazy to jeopardize it. Causes of Infidelity and Cheating Wives The major cause of infidelity for women as well as men is being in a relationship that does not meet their needs. It's being in relationship that is empty and lonely. It is a relationship that is void of feeling valued, cared for and respected. These basic cornerstones of emotional intimacy as essential to relationships and supersede financial and physical assets. So the next time you hear about a friend or relative who's wife has been caught cheating, stop for a moment to think about their relationship. Were they a couple who valued and cherished each other? Or were they a couple who simply existed in an empty shell of a relationship? To learn more aboutcheating wives orwhy extramarital affairs develop CLICK HEREChildren Born From Extramarital Affairs by Dr. Reena Sommer Infidelity statistics reveal that 45% of married women and 48% of married men are having extramarital affairs (Atwood & Schwartz,2002). Given these figures, it should not come as a big surprise that there are also children born from extramarital affairs. At this time, estimates of children born from extramarital affairs are not known. However, suffice to say, this consequence of infidelity is likely sizeable. The fact of the matter is that the widespread nature of infidelity has produced many children born from extramarital affairs. The question is - what will become of these children born from extramarital affairs? Will they suffer? Will they be disadvantaged (financially, psychologically or socially) because they are children born from extramarital affairs? Will they be able to develop meaningful relationships with both of their parents? Will they have a family life that they deserve? These are all valid questions that come to mind when one thinks about the children born from extramarital affairs? It is not to say that all children born from extramarital affairs are destined to live a disadvantaged life. Since any child's wellbeing is dependent largely upon what their parents can provide, there is no doubt that many with thrive and do well. The issue remains, how much thought goes into what lies ahead for these children born from extramarital affairs? And what if any consideration goes into the fact that they may be innocent victims of potentially painful relationship dynamics. The bottom line is - extramarital affairs do not happen by accident as is the case for most pregnancies. It makes sense that people begin to think beyond themselves and consider the consequences of their actions. To learn more aboutwhy spouses stray from their marriages |