Keep Your Marriage Articles

-- By Dr Nancy Wasson

Why Retaliation Affairs Only Make Things Worse

What Makes a Spouse Vulnerable to an Affair?

The Danger of Taking Your Marriage for Granted

Ten Ways Control Issues Can Harm a Marriage

What Makes a Spouse Vulnerable to an Affair?

How to Cope with a Spouse’s Negative Attitude

How to Build Rapport with Your Spouse

How the Law of Attraction Affects Your Marriage

Marriage Advice: Seven Easy Ways to Improve Your Marriage

How to Sustain a Loving Marriage

What You Didn’t Learn in School About Marriage

What Happens When a Husband Stonewalls and a Wife Criticizes

The Secret of How to Change Your Marriage

Why Always Having to Be Right Can Poison Your Marriage

What Is the Number One Attitude That Indicates Your Marriage Is In Trouble?

Ten Road Blocks to Satisfying Marital Communication

Five Myths That Can Hurt Your Marriage

Is There A Martyr In Your Marriage?

Why Avoiding Conflict Can Kill Sexual Desire

Is Your Mate's Passive-Aggressive Behavior Driving You Crazy?

What is Forgiveness and Why Should You Care? (Part 1)

How to Forgive and Move On (Part 2)
How to Cope with a Critical Spouse

How to Recognize and Cope with an Emotional Affair

Marriage Tips: Fifteen Ways to Say "I Love You" in 3 Minutes or Less

Marriage Advice: Seven Marriage Myths You Can't Afford to Ignore

Twelve Ways to Make Your Spouse Dislike Sex

Marriage Advice: Ten Ways to Add Romance to Your Marriage

Marriage Advice: Ten Danger Signals to Watch for in Your Marriage

Marriage Advice: What to Throw Overboard When Your Marriage Is In Trouble

Marriage Advice: Eight Steps to Marital Harmony

Marriage Advice: Twelve Steps to Creating an Affair-Proof Marriage

Marriage Counseling: What to Do When a Spouse Flirts Too Much

Marriage Counseling: What Do Husbands Really Want in a Wife?

Marriage Counseling: How to Reduce Hurt Feelings When You and Your Spouse Disagree

Marriage Counseling: How to Keep Jealousy From Destroying Your Marriage

Unhappy Marriage: Should You Stay or Leave?

Marriage Counseling Tips: What to Do When Your Spouse Won't Talk

Marriage Advice: Upgrade Your Marriage By Changing Your Focus

Ten Beliefs That Can Contribute to an Unhappy Marriage

How to Keep Hope Alive During a Marriage Crisis

How You Answer This Question Can Change Your Marriage

What Do the Words "I Don't Love You Anymore" Really Mean?

The High Cost of Resentment and Anger in Marriage

Enhancing Communication in Marriage

How to Nurture Intimacy When You're in a Long-Distance Marriage

Improve Your Relationship by Taking Care of Yourself First

Eight Valentine's Day Gifts That Can Improve Your Marriage

10 Valentine's Day Tips for Spouses Who Want to Improve Their Marriage

Eight Valentine's Day Gifts That Can Improve Your Marriage

Are you wondering what to give your spouse for Valentine’s Day this year? In addition to the candy, flowers or romantic card you select, would you like to give something else with long-reaching impact?

If so, here are eight Valentine’s Day gifts to consider that can improve the quality of your marriage. Many are free or low-cost and won’t strain the budget, but they all have the potential to be the “gift that keeps on giving.”

1. Giving extra time and attention to your spouse each week. This is a priceless gift that will enrich your relationship and contribute to better intimacy.

Be creative and make time in your schedule to sit and talk with your spouse and to do fun things together. You may need to reduce the time you watch TV or talk on the phone, but the payoff will be worth it.

2. Planning fun or interesting experiences versus expensive meals in a restaurant. While eating out can be fun, it can also be stressful for some couples because of the demand for on-going conversation while you’re sitting across the table from each other. If your communication is currently strained because of marital conflict or problems, this can feel awkward.

Instead, what about going bowling or skating? Or attending a play or concert? Going for a ride in a hot air balloon? Taking a gourmet cooking class together? Learning to dance the Cha-Cha? Visiting a nearby aquarium, zoo, botanical gardens, art museum, or historical site together? Think in terms of sharing an experience together that will be enjoyable and bonding.

3. Making your sexual relationship a consistent priority. The on-going importance of sex in a marriage is often underrated as time goes by. The demands of children, family members, a career, housework, and other activities can siphon off your energy and time.

Neglecting this vitally important part of your marriage can lead to serious problems such as affairs, the feeling of being roommates or friends instead of lovers, and the eroding of sexual and emotional intimacy. Just because your mate doesn’t talk about being unhappy with the sexual status quo doesn’t mean that all is well. Take the initiative and invest renewed energy into your sex life.

4. Taking good care of yourself so that you’re happy, centered and balanced. You can’t give someone else what you don’t already have yourself. Peace, love, and harmony come from inside of you and aren’t created by external events.

There’s that funny saying, “If Mama isn’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” There’s a lot of truth to that in a family. The emotions and moods of either spouse can throw off the harmony in the entire household. So make a commitment to treat yourself with respect and love. Get extra rest, eat right, exercise, keep in touch with friends, and nurture yourself. You’ll have more energy to give to your mate if you do.

5. Working on yourself and your personal issues in individual counseling so that your unresolved “hot buttons” don’t cause problems in your marriage. This can be a huge gift to give your mate—the gift of an emotionally healthier you.

Individual counseling can help you to become more aware of your own issues that are triggered by others and help you to see the “bigger picture.” You can’t change what you’re not aware of. The resulting self-awareness from counseling can help you to understand yourself better, make necessary changes, and become easier to live with.

6. Improving your relationship skills by reading books, listening to CD’s or tapes, and, if your mate is willing, going to couples counseling together. Educating yourself about relationship dynamics, strategies, and tips can greatly improve your ability to work out win-win solutions with your mate. You can check out books, CD’s, and tapes from the library or search online for relationship guides.

If your mate is willing, you could read or listen to the materials together. Or you could invest in some couples counseling to help you cope with present challenges or to prevent future problems.

7. Expanding your circle of friends individually and as a couple to include more positive, inspiring people. You are influenced by the friends you hang out with—either for better or for the worse. To become more positive in approach and to achieve your relationship goals, be on the lookout for people who have the type of attitude and marriage that you would like to have.

Identify those individuals who bring out the best in you and look for ways to create friendships with them, either individually or as a couple. The more positive, encouraging, motivated, and inspiring people you surround yourself with, the greater the odds that you’ll change yourself and your relationship for the better.

8. Deepening your own spiritual connection and sharing this goal with your mate, if possible. Inner peace, calm, and faith can be strengthened as you deepen your own spiritual connection, and this can have a positive impact on your marriage. If you and your spouse are fortunate enough to share this goal, the resulting feeling of soul connection can be deeply rewarding.

If you don’t have similar beliefs about spiritual matters, look for other ways to share experiences that take you “out of yourself” and into the awareness of a power greater than yourself. Moments such as these can occur when you’re looking at beautiful scenery such as mountains, lakes, streams, the ocean, a field of wildflowers, birds flying overhead, or lying on your back at night looking up at the stars. Sharing these special moments together is a gift you can both give your relationship.

****************

Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice.

BACK TO TOP

It’s not unusual for a spouse whose partner has had an affair to have a “get even” or “retaliation affair.” The feelings of betrayal and the emotional pain are so devastating that the spouse may want to hurt the partner like he (or she) has been hurt.

In some cases, the affair is planned out in advance as a deliberate way to get even and cause pain to the partner. In other cases, the betrayed spouse confides in a sympathetic friend or co-worker and ends up becoming emotionally bonded with that person, eventually resulting in a sexual affair. There are other situations where the spouse impulsively picks up someone in a bar and has a one-night stand.

The affair or one-night stand results from a combination of feelings—betrayal, shock, outrage, grief, hurt, numbness, the desire for revenge, and the feeling that being faithful doesn’t matter anymore now that the partner has crossed the line. The betrayed spouse wants to “even the score,” to seek comfort and solace in someone else’s arms, and to prop up self-esteem and feelings of being sexually desirable.

There’s also the feeling on the part of the betrayed spouse that the partner can’t say anything about the retaliation affair because he or she did the same thing. There’s also often the feeling that the “get even affair” is the fault of the partner who had the first affair, and he (or she) gets the blame for everything that has happened.

The betrayed spouse may tell the partner: “This is all your fault. If you hadn’t had the affair that you did, none of this would have happened.” He (or she) may be unwilling to accept any responsibility for what has taken place, and he may become mired in blame. (This, of course, is a cop-out. Each person is always responsible for individual choices and decisions.)

While it’s easy to understand how a retaliation or get even affair can happen, dealing with the aftermath certainly isn’t easy. The relationship dynamics were already complicated and messy, and now they are even more so.

Retaliation affairs only make things worse. Here are ten reasons why:

1. When the original affair took place, there was already one person too many in the marriage relationship—now there are two people too many, with all of the complications and complexity that brings with it. The marriage problems are compounded when this happens.

2. The outside person who has been drawn into the retaliation affair is likely to end up feeling used and taken advantage of when the dust settles. And using someone else sexually never produces the kind of energy that you want to invite into your life. Plus, afterwards there can be lingering guilt and regret.

3. Because the retaliation affair is based on wanting to hurt your partner, nothing good can come of it. This quote by Charley Reese sums up why: “It is never wise to seek or wish for another’s misfortune. If malice or envy were tangible and had a shape, it would be a boomerang.”

4. Having a retaliation affair is right up there with “cutting off your nose to spite your face” and “shooting yourself in the foot.” This means that you’ll only be hurting yourself more than anyone else if you let your anger and desire for revenge get the upper hand.

5. Engaging in a “get even fling” will only drive a bigger wedge between you and your partner and make it harder for you to address the real problems in the marriage. It will also serve as a diversion from focusing on the deeper, underlying issues.

6. The retaliation affair or one night stand offers only temporary escape from the pain and distress. When the brief interlude is over, the heartache is still there. There’s no getting around the fact that “You take yourself with you wherever you go.” The temporary escape won’t bring you lasting happiness or joy.

7. Getting even with your partner by having sex with someone else won’t help you accomplish the goal of rebuilding and restoring your marriage. It will only take you further down the road toward dissention, irreconcilable differences, separation, and divorce.

8. If you have children, they can be adversely affected by your actions. Kids learn about relationships, problem solving, and how to handle crisis and anger from their parents. It’s important to model the kind of behavior and reactions that you want them to learn and adopt in their life.

9. You never go wrong by taking the “high road.” On the other hand, you invite negative energy, disharmony, conflict, and unpleasantness into your life when you take the “low road.” It can take a long time to untangle yourself from the mess you’ve created.

10. The saying, “Two wrongs don’t make a right” has been quoted through the years because it’s true—just because someone else “did you wrong” doesn’t make it okay for you to do the same thing to them. There’s another saying that applies here: “He who seeks revenge should dig two graves.”

Hard as it can be to resist the urge to get even or retaliate, the most helpful action you can take if you are the betrayed spouse is to find an experienced counselor who can help you cope with the painful situation.

That way, you’ll have the support, encouragement, and objective feedback that you need to make sound, thoughtful decisions and avoid a rash “knee jerk” response that will tear your relationship apart even more.

****************

Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice.

BACK TO TOP

The Danger of Taking Your Marriage for Granted

Quick, what is the most common attitude a spouse can have that leads a marriage down the path to breakup? If you said taking the partner for granted, you’d be right. Is this an issue in your marriage?

It is human nature to want to be valued, appreciated and nurtured. And when you think about it, these are the essential and fundamental qualities that keep a couple bonded together. They are the positive strokes from a spouse that make it easy to love in return. They are the essence of romance.

In contrast, when a couple lacks these positive strokes of regard, the relationship suffers and the partners drift apart. It’s as if the bricks in the foundation of a house lack mortar. The foundation will eventually crumble and the house will fall down. How does this happen?

Start first by understanding how your relationship got into its present state. Before the wedding during courtship, couples tend to make more effort to look good, show courtesy, and be romantic. They do this to “win” each other’s approval and willingness to get married.

But at some point after the “honeymoon period” has ended, it’s not uncommon for spouses to start taking each other for granted. One partner or the other may think that since they have made a lifelong commitment to love each other, that’s enough.

Slowly, over time, the extra romantic gestures, thoughtfulness, expressions of appreciation, and sense of fun and adventure start falling by the wayside. This, in turn, affects the quality of the intimacy in the relationship and the satisfaction level.

At this point in the relationship, many spouses just accept the “status quo” as something that routinely happens as time goes by in a marriage. They figure that this is normal, that there’s nothing they can do about it, and that what’s most important is that they have made a commitment to each other by getting married. They view the marriage as a strong, permanent bond that will keep them together.

This is one of the myths that Allen Berger, Ph.D. addresses in his new book, Love Secrets Revealed: What Happy Couples Know About Having Great Sex, Deep Intimacy and a Lasting Connection (2006). According to Dr. Berger, the reality is that “Romantic relationships and marriages are held together with an extremely fragile emotional bond. Taking a relationship for granted is dangerous and will often result in tragedy.”

He states that “...all romantic relationships have a ‘fragile bond’ that must be nurtured.” He continues by saying that he has seen “hundreds of men and women who, after years of ignoring the quality of their relationships, express shock when a partner decides to leave. They’d based their entire future on the myth that marriage involves a lifelong commitment.”

It’s not enough to rely on a marriage license to hold your relationship together. Relationships need time, effort, energy, attention, and nourishment in order to thrive. Dr. Berger advises couples that “their first child is their relationship” and that this relationship “needs as much care and attention as a human infant.”

It’s not enough to say that spouses “shouldn’t” walk away from their marriages or “shouldn’t” divorce. The reality is that many unhappy spouses do walk out the door, and marriages do wither away and die a slow death.

Read through the following list and see if any of the behaviors mentioned apply to you and your marriage. Each behavior represents a “land mine” of trouble in a marriage:

1. “If your partner isn’t complaining, everything is probably okay.”

It’s important to keep communication channels open and to take the time to routinely listen to your spouse and talk deeply about any issues or concerns. Don’t take for granted that all is well if your communication has dried up.

2. “If you let your appearance go, it’s no big deal.”

No one likes to feel that their mate doesn’t think they are worth the time and effort to look their best. Being taken for granted in this way won’t keep your romantic and sex life sizzling.

3. “It doesn’t matter that you’ve stopped doing the little romantic things to show that you really care.”

When a partner stops making romantic and thoughtful gestures, the mate often concludes that the partner’s love is lessening. The mate then feels taken for granted, and romantic feelings may dull.

4. “Now that you’re married, you don’t have to express appreciation or say ‘thank you’ as often.”

When a partner doesn’t show appreciation or say “thank you,” the mate can feel unimportant and taken for granted. The mate may start thinking, “She’s only married to me for my paycheck” or “He doesn’t value my contributions to the marriage.”

5. “If you’re too busy (work, hobbies, friends, etc.) to spend quality time together and share some fun activities, it’s okay because you’ll make it up to your spouse later on.”

People can’t be “put on hold” for week, months, and years. Neither can relationships. If you take your spouse for granted in this way, you run the risk of losing your emotional connection and discovering that when you’re finally ready to devote time to the relationship, your partner doesn’t want to be with you.

The commitment you and your spouse made to each other at your wedding is unlikely to be enough to sustain your marriage at a high level of quality over a period of years. If you want more in your marriage month to month, you have to give more – consistently and continuously.

Remember, your relationship is like a garden. You have to care for it consciously and consistently if you want it to produce fruit. And we all want the fruit of love in our marriage, don’t we?

****************

Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice.

BACK TO TOP

Ten Ways Control Issues Can Harm a Marriage

Is your spouse too controlling? Are you too passive? Or are the roles reversed? Either way, if decisions in your marriage are normally a “tug of war” struggle and the same partner either almost always wins or almost always gives in, then your marriage is being impacted by control issues.

Control issues refer to who’s in control, who’s in charge, or who’s getting their way. What’s at stake is the power in the relationship and how differences are resolved.

It’s impossible to completely avoid all control issues in a relationship. Whether you have serious control problems in your marriage will depend on the frequency and intensity of the control issues that arise.

But significant control issues are harmful to a relationship. Here are ten reasons you need to be concerned if you have unresolved control problems in your marriage:

1. Control issues set up a parent-child relationship or dictatorship in the marriage. This shows a lack of trust and respect for the partner’s feelings, preferences, and judgment.

2. Relationships based on “one-up-man-ship” are constructed on the “winner-loser” model. This isn’t what you want to have in a healthy relationship. You want to create a “win-win” model.

3. The “winner” of the control struggle is viewed as “strong,” while the “loser” is viewed as “weak.” This dynamic isn’t helpful to your relationship. It tears down your feeling of closeness and intimacy instead of building it up.

4. By stifling individuality and freedom, you run the risk of smothering and stifling the very things that you value most—your spouse and your marriage. When one person makes the majority of the decisions, new ideas and honest feelings and reactions are suppressed.

5. Control issues contribute to increasing the anger, resentment, and bitterness in the relationship. This is the natural spin-off of feeling disrespected or controlled by someone else.

6. Thinking your mate should be just like you harms your relationship, as does viewing your mate as an extension of yourself. This squelches individuality and freedom and keeps your mate from living up to his or her potential.

7. Passive partners often become passive-aggressive when they are in a relationship with a more controlling partner. This gets in the way of honest, direct communication. They “forget” to keep a promise to the spouse or conveniently sabotage the spouse’s efforts in some way.

8. An overly-controlling spouse sets up dynamics in the relationship that encourages the more passive partner to sneak around and hide things rather than risk confrontation. For example, a passive spouse may secretly phone a friend who she (or he) knows the partner doesn’t want her to have any contact with.

9. Control conflict in a marriage encourages the game of “catch me if you can.” In this game, the passive partner tries to defy or get around the controller’s rules. This can become a game of sorts within the relationship.

10. Unexpressed anger and resentment accumulate, and eventually the passive mate may rebel and decide there’s nothing to lose by becoming defiant or ending the marriage. This brings out the controlling tendency of the spouse even more, and his (or her) efforts to control the “rebellion” make things worse. Any vestige of being on the same “team” is now gone, and the partners can feel like adversaries.

Trying to control your mate—actions, thoughts, feelings—will always boomerang eventually and will have a harmful effect on your relationship.

It’s important to understand the relationship dynamics that are created when power and decision-making is out-of-balance in a marriage. That’s the first step to becoming more aware and knowledgeable about the subject so that you can evaluate your relationship and decide if you need to make any personal changes.

****************

Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice.

BACK TO TOP

What Makes a Spouse Vulnerable to an Affair?
 

Do you ever worry about your spouse becoming involved in an affair? Have you wondered what makes a spouse easy prey for someone else who’s looking for an excuse to stray?

If so, then you have plenty of company. Given all the news stories and movies about cheating spouses, you’d have to be an ostrich with your head buried in the sand not to at least occasionally consider the possibility.

If you’ve always said, “My husband (or wife) would never cheat on me,” you’re being unrealistic and naïve. Most people who have affairs aren’t bad or weak individuals, but they are vulnerable at the time the affair begins.

Of course, there are some husbands and wives who engage in multiple affairs and appear incapable of being faithful—that’s a different situation. In this article, I’m focusing on spouses who have a history of being faithful and then surprise themselves and others by cheating on their partner.

Here are some points to consider as you consider ways to strengthen your marriage and reduce the odds that your spouse will find solace in someone else’s arms:

1. A spouse who is experiencing issues with aging and the stereotypic “mid-life crisis” is vulnerable. Self-esteem can plummet as an individual feels less attractive and desirable, and this can make her (or him) more susceptible to attention and compliments from someone other than the spouse.

2. A spouse who feels unappreciated by his (or her) partner is at higher risk for becoming involved with someone else who appreciates his good qualities and doesn’t take him for granted. Many spouses who stray say that the mate only viewed them as a paycheck or someone to make their life easier. They didn’t feel appreciated for who they were and their positive contributions to the marriage.

3. A spouse who is in a sexless marriage is very vulnerable. This is also true when there is a sexual relationship but the partner treats sex as a “duty.” This is a sure set-up for trouble.

Couples sometimes try to coast along for years in this situation, with the unhappy mate trying to tolerate the situation for the sake of the marriage and/or the children. But the reality is that the spouse is often easy prey when “hot sex” with someone who enjoys it comes along.

4. A spouse who does not feel emotionally connected to her (or his) mate is at risk. In this situation, the individual may first become involved in an emotional affair with a co-worker or business associate, and this may eventually lead to more. A marriage that is lacking intimacy and a feeling of connection between the spouses is a set-up for an affair.

5. A spouse who is depressed, anxious, and unusually stressed is at risk. When an individual is depressed, worried, or under intense prolonged pressure, sexual libido decreases. As a result, the spouse may erroneously conclude that he or she is no longer in love with the partner, not realizing that the physiological and emotional conditions are impacting the lack of sexual desire.

Also, depressed individuals tend to focus on the negatives in a relationship and minimize the positives. Thus, it’s easy for them to blame the partner for any problems in the marriage and view a new sexual partner who arouses their desire as validation that everything is the spouse’s fault.

6. A spouse who is in an unhappy marriage with long-term unresolved problems is at risk. Discouragement, anger, frustration, and bitterness cause emotional debris to accumulate that makes a spouse more vulnerable to an affair. Often, one or both partners lack the skills to resolve the problems and either they haven’t tried marriage counseling or they didn’t find the therapist who was right for them.

7. A spouse who has difficulty in confronting relationship problems directly is vulnerable to an affair. She (or he) will be likely to pretend that everything is okay and try to bury any negative feelings in order to keep the peace.

But eventually the unresolved feelings will surface and snuff out the passion in the marriage. At that point, the partner still may not have a clue about the depth of his mate’s unhappiness and her susceptibility to a potential affair.

8. A spouse who doesn’t have good problem solving skills and doesn’t know what to do about an unsatisfying marriage is vulnerable. It’s not uncommon for a spouse in this position to drift into an affair as a way to finally escape the marriage when the partner finds out. That way, the spouse gives the mate a solid reason to request a divorce and take the initiative in ending the marriage.

9. A spouse who uses escape as a way to avoid having to confront problems is vulnerable. The escape behavior can take the form of alcohol or drug abuse, working all the time, or involvement in an affair. When a spouse has a history of not taking responsibility and not dealing with problems, then escaping the reality of the marriage problems by putting focus and energy into an affair as a distraction and diversion is a very real possibility.

10. A spouse who doesn’t feel that the partner really knows her (or him) for who she is and doesn’t care about her is vulnerable. Many times, an individual involved in an affair will tell a counselor that the other person understands her and knows her much better than her own husband does. If a spouse acts uninterested in the mate’s life, thoughts, and feelings, the resulting hurt and emotional pain can make her more susceptible to an affair.

Some of the situations listed above are situational, such as aging and prolonged stress, and may require giving a spouse extra attention and nurturance for a time. Others are reflective of a long-term relationship with major unresolved problems that could benefit from marriage counseling.

As you assess your own marriage and what steps to take to strengthen it, remember the importance of paying attention and giving consistent time, effort, and focus to your relationship.

Whatever you do, don’t take your marriage or your spouse for granted. After all, if you don’t appreciate and value your spouse, there’s probably someone else out there who would be glad to step in and fill the void.

****************

Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice.

BACK TO TOP

How to Cope with a Spouse’s Negative Attitude

Is your spouse a negative person? Does he or she consistently zero in on what’s wrong with you and the marriage while overlooking the many positives?

If so, it’s also quite possible that your spouse is just a negatively-oriented person about most things—work, the marriage, other people, the future, and life in general. Perhaps as time goes by, your spouse is becoming even more negative, critical, and complaining.

When I first talked to “Leigh” (not her real name), she was ready to leave her marriage because of her husband’s constant negativity. “Al” was a master at finding fault with Leigh’s decisions and suggestions. He had a sharp wit and could deliver zingers without batting an eye.

If Leigh suggested a picnic, Al responded with complaints about the perils of fire ants, killer bees, and sudden thunderstorms. Whenever she made a suggestion, Al would discourse on what was wrong with the idea and why it wouldn’t work.

If he did agree to go along with one of Leigh’s ideas or suggestions, he always expected the worse or talked about the negative aspects. In addition, Al was very critical.

The restaurant they tried was “too expensive,” the dinner conversation with friends was “too boring,” the movie was “too long,” the weekend camping trip was “too much work,” a gift from a family member was “stingy,” and the people at the church they visited were “hypocrites.” His boss is “an idiot,” his job “sucks,” and his life is “the pits.”

Since a negative attitude is highly contagious, it was challenging for Leigh to be around Al and not lose her normally positive orientation. She often felt drained and deflated in spirit after her interactions with Al. When she realized that he was becoming more negative the older he got and that she was starting to resent his attitude, she consulted with me.

If you’re in the same situation—married to a spouse with a negative attitude—I would give you the same recommendations that I gave Leigh. Here’s what you can do:

1. Deliberately cultivate friendships with other individuals and couples who have positive attitudes and who are fun to be around. Try to expand you and your spouse’s circle of friends to include couples who would be good role models for your mate and spend time with those couples.

Cut back on spending time with friends who encourage your spouse’s negative comments and attitude and slowly over time try to add individuals and couples who are strong positive influences.

2. Be sure that you have friends, activities, hobbies, and interests in your life that “feed your soul” and help you stay on a positive track. If things in your marriage aren’t what you wish they were, then you need to find satisfaction and joy in other areas to keep you centered and balanced emotionally.

Listen to inspiring songs and read inspirational books. “Feed” yourself a diet of positive messages that encourage and motivate you.

3. Monitor your moods to be sure that you’re not getting tangled up in what are commonly called “co-dependency” issues. That’s when you let your mood be determined and set by someone else.

An example would be if you were depressed all day because your spouse was in a bad mood at breakfast. Just because he’s in a funk doesn’t mean that you can’t have an enjoyable day. You don’t have to let your mate’s mood determine your mood or spoil your day.

Don’t give away your personal power. Take responsibility for creating your own happiness instead of being so influenced by your spouse’s negative attitude.

4. Keep a gratitude journal where you list what you’re thankful for each day. Form the habit of sharing with your spouse things that you’re thankful for. At dinner, for example, you might talk about how helpful the clerk at the grocery store was or tell about the favor a co-worker did for you that you appreciate.

If you’re thankful for seeing a beautiful bird or a lovely flowering tree, share your feelings. If you feel blessed by the kindness of a friend, share that. Even if what you say doesn’t impact your mate, you need to hear yourself expressing gratitude and appreciation for the gifts that you’ve been given. This helps you to keep focused on what’s right with your life instead of what’s wrong with it.

5. Try not to judge your spouse or make him or her “wrong” for being so negative. There are many factors that can influence a person’s attitudes: the attitudes they learned from their parents, their experiences growing up, low self-esteem, intense stress, clinical depression, a habit of negative self-talk, life disappointments and discouragement, and lack of hope.

Sometimes individuals who are negative think they are being “realistic” or helpful by “calling a spade a spade.” Others may think they are witty for delivering clever “zingers” and criticisms.

6. Schedule a time to talk to your partner about your concerns. Without sounding judgmental or “preachy,” give some specific examples of how her (or his) negativity has impacted you significantly. Perhaps your spouse is not even aware of just how negative she has become, or perhaps she is feeling depressed and needs to talk to her doctor or a counselor.

If your spouse reacts in anger, stay calm and non-defensive. State that you’d rather share your feelings now than have them fester underground and cause even more problems later.

7. If nothing changes after your talk with your spouse, write him (or her) a letter outlining your feelings and concerns about your reactions to his negative attitude. State that you want to look forward to your interactions and time with him, but you’re afraid the constant negativity will eventually affect your feelings.

In the letter, tell your spouse how much you value him and your marriage and that you love him deeply. Ask your mate to go to marriage counseling with you so that your marriage will stay strong and satisfying for both of you.

8. If your spouse is not willing to address the problem by talking with you or going to counseling, then make an appointment to see a counselor by yourself. You’ll need support and help in determining just what the next step needs to be—trying again to communicate verbally or in writing, or trying to adjust and live with things as they are, or in an extreme case, considering a temporary marital separation.

You’ll need a deep commitment to staying positive and upbeat to be able to withstand the strong negativity in your marriage relationship. The encouraging news, however, is that according to Robert H. Schuller, “It takes but one positive thought when given a chance to survive and thrive to overpower an entire army of negative thoughts.”

****************

Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice.

BACK TO TOP

How to Build Rapport with Your Spouse

Do you wish that you had better rapport with your spouse? Are you at a loss for what to do to increase communication and emotional intimacy?

Recently, Christian Godefroy published a story titled “The Dancing Cow” in a newsletter I receive. When I read the story, I immediately thought of how the main point applies to married couples.

Here’s the story:

Michal and Kental started arguing as to which of them wrote the better music. "My music is better," Michal said. "My melodies bring tears to the eyes of all women."

"No, my music is better," Kental disagreed. "My scores are more enchanting than anything! Your music couldn't move a cow, my poor Michal."

"And what do you think? That your scores would make it dance?"

The dispute was in full swing when a peasant passed by, leading his cow back home from the field. The two musicians saw an opportunity to put their theories to the test.

"Hello there," they said. "Would you mind if we played something for your cow?"

"Well, if it gives you pleasure, why not? She's seen a lot worse in her day, I can tell you."

Michal warmed his hands, tuned his balalaika (a stringed instrument of Russian origin) and played the most beautiful melody ever heard by a cow. But without result - the beast ruminated without moving an ear.

Vexed, Michal passed the instrument to his compatriot, who played a lively score with the same result - no reaction from the cow.

"It's a lost cause," Michal cried. "Your cow does not have a musical ear."

"Well, I don't know about that," the peasant replied. "If you would lend me your instrument for a moment, I could play something for her."

Intrigued, Michal and Kental handed over the balalaika. The peasant did his best to imitate the humming of the flies and the mooing of little cows. The cow lifted her ears, started whipping her tail from side to side, and walked closer to the peasant as if to hear the music better.

The main point of the story according to Godefrey is that ”if you have trouble communicating with people, it may be that, like Michal and Kental, you are not playing the music they are used to hearing.” This is really profound wisdom!

In other words, you have to start where the other person is, using that person’s frame of reference. You can’t start where you are if the other person isn’t in the same place and doesn’t have the same background and experience. First, you have to enter the other person’s world and start with what’s familiar to him (or her) to get his attention.

In the story, perhaps in time the cow could have learned to respond to other music besides the sounds the peasant played at first. But initially, the cow showed no reaction whatsoever until the peasant played the sounds that the cow could relate to and was familiar with—the humming of flies and the mooing of little cows.

So the beginning point for getting the cow’s attention and involvement was to start making the sounds the cow was most familiar with. The cow could relate to those sounds and responded with attention and movement.

Are you wondering how this applies to building better rapport with your spouse? Here’s all you have to remember to apply the moral of the dancing cow story: To begin building better communication and rapport with your spouse, start in his (or her) world first—enter his world and start where he is right now.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Temporarily downplay your own needs and what you want from your spouse. Initiate conversations where you ask your spouse about his (or her) day, his work, and his activities, showing interest and empathy.

For example, you may say, “It must be frustrating to have a boss who changes his mind so much” or “You must have been disappointed when it rained and you couldn’t take your usual jog after work today.” See if he will open up and talk about his frustrations, disappointments, and dreams.

2. Make a concerted effort to understand your spouse’s mindset and feelings about the things that happen in her (or his) world. If she holds differing opinions, try to understand why and how they are different. Pretend you’re on a debate team and need to understand her viewpoint to be able to present it to others and to defend it.

If her tastes in music are different from yours, for example, be open to learning more about why she enjoys the music she does. Look for any common denominators between your taste and hers that you can build on.

Even if you never change your mind about your likes and dislikes, your spouse will appreciate the fact that you were motivated enough to want to understand her world better.

3. Go out of your way to show that you care about your spouse and that you appreciate him (or her). Most spouses take the partner for granted in many ways and stop expressing appreciation and saying “Thank you.”

Go out of your way to notice the large and small things that your partner does that you appreciate. Say a verbal “Thank you” or buy a special card and express your feelings in writing. Sincere appreciation can foster rapport.

4. When you’re talking to your spouse, try to match your breathing and speaking rates to his (or hers). It’s harder to build rapport when your spouse is laid-back and relaxed at the moment and you’re agitated and upset.

Without being obvious and making it look like you’re mimicking your partner, slow down and adjust your breathing rate to more closely match that of your partner’s. Align your rate of speech to match his and try to get in sync with his energy at the moment.

You might also try sitting or standing in the same position your spouse is, without making it obvious that you’re copying his behavior. In addition, you can align your facial expression and gestures with his.

Many good communicators do these things unconsciously because they help to build rapport and offer a good starting point for better communication. The key to doing this successfully is to start where your spouse is at the moment in terms of energy level and emotions.

5. Slowly encourage your partner to expand his (or her) world. For example, after listening to your spouse’s description of what happened at work, if he doesn’t ask about your day, summarize what happened in two or three short sentences before ending the conversation.

If your spouse spends every evening in front of the television set, ask her (or him) to select five minutes when the television can be turned off and you can take a “snuggle break.” Start small and build up to longer amounts of time.

Offer to give your spouse a foot, shoulder, or back massage. Really put yourself into the experience as you ease away your partner’s cares of the day with your healing touch. Let your partner know how much you enjoy being able to do this for her (or him) and see if she offers to reciprocate either then or later.

You’ll be more likely to succeed in building rapport if your partner feels that you’re sincerely interested in what happens to him (or her), that you appreciate him, that you care about him, that you value him, and that you want to spend time with him.

If what you’re doing isn’t working, remember the story of the dancing cow and change the “tune” you’re playing. Instead of trying to begin where you want things to be, start in your partner’s frame of reference and slowly move in the direction you want to eventually go.

****************

Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice.

BACK TO TOP

How the Law of Attraction Affects Your Marriage

Which of the following sayings have you heard before?

“What you sow, you reap.”
“What comes around goes around.”
“What you give, you get back.”
“Like attracts like.”

These sayings are all different ways to express the Law of Attraction that’s always in operation in every area of your life. According to the Law of Attraction, you attract those things into your life that you focus on.

In other words, you invite into your life what you are predominantly thinking about and feeling. It’s as though you’re a magnet, and you attract back into your life the exact type of energy that you’re vibrating or giving out into the world.

You’ve probably had the experience of being furious about something that happened and then having angry run-ins with other people afterwards. It starts a negative chain reaction.

You might have a disagreement with a co-worker and leave work upset. Then you end up shaking your fist at another driver on the way home. You stop by the grocery store and get into an altercation with another customer or the clerk. When you finally get home, you then get into a fight with your spouse.

In this scenario, your angry energy is attracting anger back to you—remember, like attracts like. If you’re angry, you’ll attract people and situations that will bring even more anger into your life.

The interesting thing is that you get back what you focus on and put your energy into, whether it’s wanted or unwanted. So if you spend a lot of time and energy thinking and talking about what you don’t want in your life (or your marriage, your relationships with others, your job, your finances, etc.), then that’s what you’ll be attracting more of—what you don’t want.

For example, if Tom says that he wants a happy marriage, but he constantly focuses on what his partner does that dissatisfies him, he’ll just keep finding more and more reasons to be dissatisfied. The energy of dissatisfaction is at work.

As Tom continues to gripe to himself or others about his spouse’s negative traits—that she’s not the best housekeeper, that she’s often late, that sometimes she doesn’t give him enough attention, that she talks to her friends too much on the phone—he begins to overlook his wife’s many good points. Over time, Tom will begin to devalue his spouse and the marriage.

And as Tom’s wife senses his negative energy and negative feelings toward her, she will likely find herself pulling back emotionally and feeling less positive toward him. It only takes a small increase in the amount of negative energy present for a marriage to begin to be less satisfying for both partners.

According to Lynn Grabhorn in Excuse Me, Your life Is Waiting (a book I highly recommend about the astonishing power of feelings), “...as long as we’re glaring somewhere else—past or present—at all the stuff we don’t like, not only are we inviting more of the same, we’re blocking all the good things we’d like to see in its place.”

She continues by saying, “...if our partner...has some dorky little habits that annoy us (Don’t Wants), and we focus on them...all we’re doing is perpetuating the dorky habits we’d like to erase, because we’re holding them in our vibration.”

Grabhorn says that giving continual attention to disagreeable conditions creates a downward spiral in the relationship. Our constant grousing enlarges the petty thing we’re griping about.

She states that “...not only will that infamous toothpaste cap never get put back on the tube, but that very irritation has the potential, with our constant negative focus, to escalate into an unwanted extramarital affair, a fender bender, a layoff, even a divorce.”

Grabhorn summarizes the point she’s making by asserting that “...focusing on what you don’t want in a relationship is never going to get you what you want.”

Furthermore, if you view your spouse as “needing to be fixed,” you’re judging and sending the message that he or she is “wrong.” This swamps your partner with negative energy and takes away any desire to want to change.

One of the worst kinds of energy you can send to another person is the energy of blame. That will always make the situation worse than it already is.

Instead, direct your attention to what you appreciate and like about your spouse and let that positive energy and good will grow and spread. As you concentrate on your spouse’s positive traits and contributions, you’ll feel more positive toward her (or him) and will be more likely to elicit positive feelings in return.

Spend time visualizing what kind of loving relationship you’d like to have with your spouse. Then, work on keeping yourself open to the kind of energy you want to have more of in your life—such as peace, harmony, love, joy, and kindness.

Focus on becoming more patient, understanding, tolerant, and forgiving. Cultivate and nurture the traits that you want to grow in your relationship.

Remember, you have the choice to expand the positive energy in your relationship or to expand the negative energy. It’s the difference between fertilizing beautiful flowers or fertilizing stinging nettles—you always grow more of what you focus on.

****************

Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice.

BACK TO TOP

Marriage Advice: Seven Easy Ways to Improve Your Marriage

Improving your marriage doesn’t necessarily have to involve huge changes on your part or your spouse’s. Many times, the cumulative effect of small changes can make a significant difference in the quality of a relationship.

It can be discouraging to only focus on the big, sweeping long-range changes that you feel are needed, such as improved communication or increased intimacy. Instead, focus on making several small changes that can affect the quality of your relationship right away.

Once you generate some positive energy flow, it’ll be easier to tackle the larger issues. Plus, you’ll be more motivated to put forth the effort and to keep trying.

Here are seven easy ways you can improve your marriage:

1. Schedule date nights on a regular basis. Did you know research by Idaho State University shows that one of the secrets to a happy marriage is scheduling regular dates?

This study involving 132 couples found those who went on dates more often (the average was six dates a month) were more likely to be satisfied with their marriage than those who spent less time together.

So get out your calendar and schedule some times for you and your spouse to go out and spend time together doing something you both enjoy.

You might have dinner in a restaurant, go dancing, see a movie or play, or listen to live music. The important thing is you’re spending time together and having fun.

If you have children and have been neglecting this part of your relationship for a long time because you don’t want to leave the kids with a babysitter, there’s probably something else going on underneath the convenient “reason.”

Doing everything with the children and not spending time alone with your spouse can be a way to try to avoid sex or to minimize romance. It’s a mistake to think this won’t hurt your marriage in the long run—because it will.

2. Show respect when you’re talking to your spouse. You may not realize you’re doing damage to your marriage when your spouse is talking to you and you sigh with exasperation and roll your eyes.

Psychologist John Gottman has conducted research on what attitudes increase the chances that a marriage will end unhappily. He has found contempt is the most damaging, and he says rolling your eyes when your spouse is talking to you is a classic sign that communicates contempt.

The actual words used in interactions between a couple are only part of what is being communicated. The non-verbal component is also communicating loudly. So you’re giving your partner important information about how you really feel about him (or her) when you show disrespect.

Start becoming more aware of your behavior when your spouse is talking to you. You might ask your spouse if she (or he) feels disrespected during conversations and interactions with you. But don’t ask for honest feedback unless you’re prepared to receive it without getting defensive. The goal is to become more self-aware and improve your relationship with your partner.

3. Take the television out of the bedroom. You may be surprised at the research findings involving late-night TV.

A survey by Italian psychologist Serenella Salomoni found that among couples over the age of fifty, those who kept TV out of the bedroom had sex an average of seven times a month compared with 1.5 times a month for couples with TV’s. The implication is that late-night TV can translate into a lot less sex for many couples.

It’s easy to see how this could happen over time without a couple even stopping to think about the long-term effects on their sex life and intimacy. Watching television becomes a habit and the path of least resistance.

If removing the television from your bedroom sounds too drastic, at least consider initiating a conversation with your spouse about these findings and whether your marriage might benefit from less TV watching in the evenings.

4. Make time for vacations. The Wisconsin Medical Journal reported that when 1500 women were asked how often they took a vacation, 20% said that it had been six years or more. These non-vacationers were more likely to be stressed and unhappy in their marriages.

Every day life can get so bogged down with details, work, and loose ends that fun and romance can easily become buried and neglected. Remember the old saying, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.”

The same is certainly true of relationships—if there’s no time to play and have fun, then dullness, fatigue, and boredom often take hold. Passion and romance thrive on stimulation, building positive new memories, and the excitement that change brings.

Just leaving home and seeing and doing different things can be energizing and perk up a stale relationship. The vacations don’t have to be expensive or exotic. Consider staying at a state park or camping. Explore off-season rates and advertised motel specials. Put on your creative thinking cap and see what’s possible.

5. Remember to hug your mate each day. Doctors at the University of North Carolina have found that hugging boosts blood levels of oxytocin, a relaxing hormone that is linked to trust.

According to Kathleen Light, Ph.D., professor of psychiatry at UNC and one of the study’s authors, “It is safe to say that oxytocin is linked to emotional as well as physical closeness in partners....”

Make it a point to initiate more hugging, and don’t be bashful about asking for what you need and want. Ask your mate to join you in some bear hugs each day or a session of snuggling on the sofa as you talk. You’ll both feel better afterwards!

Note: If “hugs = sex” in your marriage, it’s time to make a change. Many wives complain their husbands only touch them—hold hands, hug, kiss, snuggle—when the husbands want sex.

These wives often try to avoid physical contact with their husband because they don’t want to get him aroused. This leads to a pulling away and a lack of on-going closeness and connection. Thus, it’s important that hugging not be just a prelude to sex.

6. Celebrate days that are special to the two of you. Take the time to record the special days on your personal calendar so you won’t forget.

What days should you celebrate? For starters, include the day you met your spouse, your wedding day, your partner’s birthday, your birthday, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, and any other dates that have significant meaning or cause for celebration.

Through the years, I’ve heard many spouses express hurt that their mate never buys them a gift, even for their birthday. There’s no special dinner or birthday cake—nothing.

They might not receive a Valentine’s Day card or a Christmas present, either. I’m always sad to hear this, because it seems like such a loss of an opportunity to celebrate. And the message delivered to the mate is she (or he) isn’t valued and treasured.

Life is short, and you can’t take your beloved partner for granted. Look for every opportunity to celebrate your love, your marriage, and the fact that you’re alive!

7. Smile More Often. A genuine smile can warm the heart and make you more attractive to your spouse.

That’s because smiles are sexy as well as contagious, and the energy they produce can give you and your spouse a needed boost just when you need it the most.

Smiling connects you to others so you aren’t aloof and separate. A warm smile invites your spouse to come closer, to connect with you, and to linger in your presence. You’ll feel better and so will your spouse.

****************

Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice.

BACK TO TOP

How to Sustain a Loving Marriage
 

With nearly one in every two marriages ending in divorce, concerned spouses want to know what they can do to increase the odds of their marriage surviving. How to have a successful marriage remains one of the most popular topics for magazine articles, books, television talk shows, and discussions between friends.

Most people enter marriage with many unvoiced expectations of the other partner and about what it means to be married. A wife may think that her husband doesn't love her if he doesn't remember to give her a gift on the anniversary date of when they met. A husband may feel unloved when his wife is too busy to sit by him when he’s watching his favorite television shows.

In reality, these behaviors may have nothing at all to do with whether love is present in the marriage or not. As an anonymous author stated, "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you the best way they know how."

If you have definite expectations and you also happen to be a "historian," the stage is set for a lengthy listing of all of your partner's faults whenever you are upset. The current problems never get resolved because of all the "baggage" from the past that is brought into the dispute. The cataloging of past wrongs distracts you from the present issues, adds confusion, and can feel overwhelming.

"One of the keys to happiness," observed Rita Mae Brown, "is a bad memory." Of course, if important issues have been buried in the relationship and never addressed, it is important to do so, and this is often best accomplished with the help of a marriage counselor.

Once you begin lying or covering up, no matter how minor it is, you are hurting your relationship. It is easy to rationalize to yourself that a "little white lie" is for the other person's good, but when you stop being completely honest, you are affecting the quality of the intimacy in the marriage.

Telling lies requires energy to remember what you have said, to whom, and when. Often, one lie seems to lead to another as you keep trying to cover yourself. If the truth comes out later, then trust is damaged.

A story is told about a wife hitting her husband on the head with a frying pan. "What's that for?" he asks. She replies, "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it." After he responds that Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses he had bet on recently, she apologizes.

Three days later when he's again sitting in his chair reading, she knocks him out cold with the frying pan. When he comes to, he asks, "What the heck was that for?" She responds, "Your horse phoned." The only way to preserve trust in marriage is to commit to being totally and completely honest at all times, even when it is difficult and uncomfortable to tell the truth.

In successful marriages, spouses honor the natural rhythms and cycles of the relationship, knowing that at certain times, they will feel closer to each other, and that at other times, there will be more distance in their dance of intimacy. They experience the truth of the words by Mignon McLaughlin, "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." There is total commitment in every way to the marriage and to the other partner, and preserving the romance is a priority for both.

Partners in successful, loving marriages want the best for the other partner and want to be supportive of that person's needs, dreams, and goals. They want to show their love and appreciation for the other person in as many ways as they possibly can.

Even when they disagree or have substantial conflict, they want to do everything they can to protect the quality of the intimacy and the fabric of the relationship. They know that everything they say and everything they do has an important impact on the relationship.

Marriage provides an opportunity for you to reach inside yourself and to locate your places of deepest wounding that need healing. Everyone has defenses, ways of shutting down or shutting others out when they feel hurt, angry, or fearful. These defenses can block your ability to experience deep intimacy with another.

According to the poet Rumi, "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." As always, the road to self-growth and emotional health leads to examining your own behavior and how you need to change, instead of focusing on how your partner should change.

There is no escape from doing your own inner work during the course of the marriage. To make real headway toward creating a loving marriage, focus on how you can be more loving and how you need to grow, instead of being distracted by what you perceive your partner’s faults to be.

****************

Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice.

BACK TO TOP

What You Didn’t Learn in School About Marriage

While you undoubtedly learned many useful things in school, how to create a happy marital relationship probably wasn’t included. Most spouses learn about marriage through the proverbial “School of Hard Knocks.”

As a student, you undergo drills to help you learn your multiplication tables, you’re tested on your mastery of geography and science, and you memorize spelling words. As you progress, you learn to write term papers and to analyze symbolism in literature.

But you were probably not taught one of the most important skills you could learn: how to create, nurture, and sustain a healthy, satisfying relationship with good communication and intimacy. And, sad to say, some people never learn this skill even after multiple marriages.

There are many misconceptions about marriage and the impact of two individuals saying “I do.” Much emphasis is devoted to planning the perfect wedding—more than is usually devoted to becoming the best partner possible. Often, the marriage is regarded as something that will fall into place with minimum effort after the ceremony.

Which of the following ten points about marriage were you surprised to learn after you said “I do”?

1. Creating a healthy, happy marriage takes hard work.It doesn’t just happen on its own.

Numerous spouses are surprised by the amount of work it takes to keep a marriage on course. Some believe that if you really love someone, the relationship shouldn’t be work, it should just flow easily. That sounds good, but in reality all meaningful relationships require an on-going investment of time, effort, energy, and commitment.

2. You don’t get to coast for very long. It seems that when things are going well, you should get to “take a break” from the relationship stuff for awhile.

But if you’re not growing and evolving as individuals and as a couple, then your relationship is soon going to suffer. There’s no such thing as standing still and having everything stay the same. You’re either going forwards or you’re going backwards.

3. Saying “I do” is not the end—it’s the beginning. Some spouses feel that once they are married, they don’t have to extend as much effort into being romantic or nurturing the relationship.

But a marital relationship isn’t the end of the road. It’s only the beginning of your opportunity to “grow your marriage” and create a rewarding relationship with your partner.

4. You’re not going to change your partner after you marry. No matter how many times this statement is written or verbalized, there are many individuals who still believe that their case will be different.

Motivation to change is normally the highest before marriage when both partners want to please each other. After marriage, it’s easier to become comfortable and lose motivation to work on self-growth.

Females are especially susceptible to this dynamic. Because they often are hooked by the potential that they see in their partner, they’re convinced that they can change him. This usually leads to a rude awakening after marriage.

5. You can’t give what you don’t already have. You have to be happy and at peace with yourself before you can create a happy, peaceful, harmonious marriage.

Marriage won’t make you happy. Only you can do that. If you’re not happy with yourself and your life when you get married, nothing will change significantly afterwards.

6. Frequent emotional housekeeping is required for intimacy to thrive. It doesn’t take long for a marriage to develop serious problems when emotional debris from unresolved conflicts and issues piles up.

This is why good communication is important. Couples who can’t talk about their differences and resolve conflict are at high risk for divorce. Feelings of passion, emotional intimacy, and heartfelt connection are all dependent on good communication.

7. The words you say are important, so pick them carefully. You can’t expect the spouse you called a “witch” or “fool” at 8:00 p.m. to be thrilled at the thought of sex with you at 9:00 p.m.

By the words you use in your interactions with your partner, you impact how your spouse feels about you. Harsh, unkind words fuel anger, resentment, and bitterness. Kind words build rapport, respect, and caring.

The words you use to yourself and others when talking about your spouse and your marriage are also important. When you devalue someone or something verbally, it affects your feelings and perceptions. Negativity spreads like a virus.

8. Just because you dislike your partner intensely at the moment doesn’t mean that you don’t love him or her. It’s normal to have mixed feelings toward your spouse at times.

Sometimes your inner two-year-old will appear in your reactions—you know, the one who could stomp his feet and scream “I hate you, Mommy!” when he didn’t get his own way. There are times when spouses can’t stand each other and the feelings of closeness and connection lessen. But that doesn’t mean that the marriage is over or that the love is permanently gone.

9. Success in marriage, as in life, is an inside job. The breakthroughs happen when you take responsibility for your actions and attitudes and focus on what changes you can make to improve the relationship.

It’s important to learn how to stay centered and balanced emotionally as much as possible, and that requires inner work on yourself. Learning to be more self-aware will help you better understand your part in creating the present situation.

10. There’s no end to growth. There’s always something else to experience and learn. You can always improve your relationship skills and grow more as a person.

Unlike school where you eventually get a diploma if you meet the requirements, you never “graduate” from relationship school. Just when you think you’ve learned to keep your equilibrium in your relationship, something is sure to throw you off balance as if to test you.

And in the areas where you resist growth, you’ll find yourself endlessly repeating unproductive patterns. Then you have a choice—to stay stuck or keep on growing.

****************

Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice.

BACK TO TOP

What Happens When a Husband Stonewalls and a Wife Criticizes
 

Every time Faye tried to talk with her husband Ed about problems in the marriage, he refused to talk about the issues. He either changed the subject or said “Not now, Faye.”

If cornered, Ed would stare at Faye with an unchanging facial expression while she talked, and then he’d walk away without saying anything. He refused to cooperate with anything she suggested to improve their communication.

Ed’s attempts to obstruct Faye’s efforts and his determination to hinder or prevent discussions he didn’t want to participate in are examples of behavior called “stonewalling.” Someone who stonewalls uses delaying tactics to slow down or obstruct another person’s efforts and plans.

Faye was continually frustrated by Ed’s stonewalling every time she attempted to address the marriage difficulties. As she repeatedly hit the wall of his resistance, she became more critical of Ed both in private and in public.

She told him he was selfish, egotistical, and uncooperative. After awhile, she found it hard to remember his good points and focused more and more on his negative traits. The more blocked she felt in her efforts to get him to get involved in trying to improve the marriage, the more criticism she hurled his way.

As a result, the marriage became unrewarding and unsatisfying for both Faye and Ed, and they lost their feeling of connection. The relationship continued to spiral downwards, fueled by negativity and resentment. Faye eventually moved out and is currently filing for divorce.

Author Malcolm Gladwell writes in his best-selling book Blink about psychologist John Gottman’s research on marriage relationships. Gladwell quotes Gottman as saying, “The big gender difference with negative emotions is that women are more critical, and men are more likely to stonewall. We find that women start talking about a problem, the men get irritated and turn away, and the women get more critical, and it becomes a circle.”

So it’s important to understand the circle of stonewalling and criticism and what keeps the negativity circulating in the relationship. It’s natural to experience frustration when every effort to do something helpful is blocked, but the natural reaction to become more critical just makes the situation worse.

The other spouse is already resistant and uncooperative, and heaping an outpouring of criticism on his head won’t help. He will probably just dig his heels in deeper and refuse with even greater energy any attempts to make him do what he doesn’t want to do.

Wives often don’t realize the damage that an over-abundance of criticism can do to a relationship. They see themselves as trying to prod the husband for his own good and the health of the marriage—worthy goals, but ones that won’t be accomplished by being critical. Criticism makes a spouse feel unappreciated, discouraged, and negative toward the marriage.

Husbands, on the other hand, often don’t realize the damage they are doing to the marriage by stonewalling a wife’s attempts to improve the relationship. Hitting resistance over and over is discouraging and frustrating. It fosters resentment, anger, and bitterness, three feelings which can be toxic to a relationship.

Stonewalling tactics are designed to make the other person back off and quit making their request. However, the wife may decide to not only back off from suggesting marriage improvements, she may decide to back off from the marriage emotionally. This makes it much more likely that she will start feeling disconnected and detached from her spouse and the marriage.

Here are seven recommendations to help you:

1. If your spouse always stonewalls your attempts to get him to open up, give him a handwritten letter outlining your concerns and fears that you’ll eventually give up on the marriage if this continues. State that you value the marriage and want it to be top quality and satisfying for both of you, but that you need his input and help.

2. Resist the natural reaction to criticize in return. A quote by Elizabeth Harrison reminds us that “Those who are lifting the world upward and onward are those who encourage more than criticize.”

Criticism dampens spirits and discourages future efforts. Notice how your spirit tends to shrivel when you are criticized and to blossom when you are offered encouragement or praise. We look forward to spending time with people who are appreciative of our efforts, and we tend to avoid people who are critical of us.

3. Pull back on criticism and instead look for your spouse’s positive traits and actions. Show appreciation for what he is doing that’s good and helpful. Pay attention and watch for behavior that you can honestly and wholeheartedly praise, no matter how minor it appears.

When problems develop in a marriage, often the fun and laughter quickly disappear, and with them goes the satisfying feeling of connection. Work on restoring a sense of fun and appreciation of each other and don’t dwell on the problem areas right now. There’s more than one way to accomplish a goal, and in some situations the indirect way leads to greater success than the direct approach.

4. Once the emotional climate in your relationship has improved and you have built up your goodwill account in the relationship bank, then you’re in a better position to gently and respectfully ask him for his help in looking at ways to help you both keep that loving feeling more of the time.

5. If all else fails, you can ask him if he’ll do you the favor of going to counseling with you so he can share what he has observed about your behavior. That way, the therapist will know better how to help you become less critical.

Don’t mention his stonewalling behavior or the fact that he needs to change, also. Keep the focus on yourself and how you want to change. This tactic might enable you to get him inside the counseling office where the possibility increases that he could become involved in the counseling process indirectly.

6. If you are a spouse who uses stonewalling tactics and you’ve recognized yourself in this article, it’s time to look closely at how this behavior is endangering your marriage.

It’s also time to take a close look at your relationship goals for the present and future. Do you want a loving marriage that is satisfying to you and your spouse for years to come? And is your behavior helping you to accomplish your goals?

7. If you decide you want to change your behavior, you’ll make faster progress with the help of a marriage counselor. The counselor will be in a better position to assist your wife in becoming less critical, too.

Spouses often seem to “hear” each other better in a counselor’s office, and it helps to have objective feedback from a neutral third party. After all, why struggle on your own if a trained professional can use his or her experience to guide you through the constructive changes you need to make? It just makes good sense to use all of your available resources, especially when something as important as your marriage is involved.

****************

Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice.

BACK TO TOP

The Secret of How to Change Your Marriage
 

Do you hope every day that your spouse will change in some way? That he (or she) will finally “see the light” and recognize the “error of his ways”?

There’s nothing wrong with wanting a spouse to change as long as you don’t stop there. If you don’t take the next step, at some point you’ll start to feel helplessly dependent on your spouse’s choices and will be in danger of adopting a victim mentality.

Many spouses don’t know the secret of how to change a marital relationship into something different than it is currently. The temptation is to view change as rooted in the other person or “out there” somewhere outside of your control.

But, in reality, the ability to create change lies within you. You may have heard the saying, “Change is an inside job.” It’s true. And when you change yourself, then your relationship with your spouse, family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and acquaintances will also change.

This past week, I received an email from a woman I’ll call “Annie.” Annie was writing to tell me how much help she had received from the Keep Your Marriage book and bonus materials. I could tell from reading Annie’s email that she really understood the impact that making personal changes can have on a marriage.

Annie has granted her permission for me to share her email with you in hopes that it will provide help and inspiration. Here is an excerpt from her email:

“My husband moved out saying he was ‘unhappy’ but would say no more. I have spent the past few months in hell, but your advice gave me something to work on. I have now changed myself, my friends have noticed a big difference in me, and on New Year’s Eve, my husband, unprompted, told me he loved me.

“His leaving was a huge wakeup call for me, and although we still have things to work through, the important thing is that we are together. I will continue to eliminate those 21 marriage busters (I cringed when I realized I was guilty of every single one) and I have every hope that we will be celebrating many more wedding anniversaries.

Thank you again, and keep the daily email tips coming—they serve as a reminder that one can never take anything for granted, that love is precious and should be cherished, and that the key to changing your life lies not out there but within.”

Annie “gets it” that the secret to changing your marriage and your life lies within yourself. She made changes in herself that eventually made a difference in her marriage. In a follow-up email, Annie writes:

“...the important thing is to keep trying and don’t give in...I’m also now a great believer in time...often the effects of the words I said to my husband weren’t immediate, but given a little time they would sink in and they worked. Before I was the kind of person to demand answers and refuse to accept ‘I don’t know’ as valid. I would pick and chisel away until I thought I had the answer I wanted. I was chiseling away my marriage.

“There are still improvement to be made, but I have come to believe in this day and age we see films, advertising, etc. and are made to believe we should have this ideal of a marriage, and if it’s not like that then there is something wrong. They fail to mention that happy marriages take effort and work, that love isn’t always automatic but is an affirmation that should be made every day.

“I’d also like to add, before I go, that your advice has helped in other relationships too—with family and friends. I’ve become a much nicer person and a happier one too. It’s so true that you change the world about you by changing yourself.

“If I hadn’t taken your advice I could be facing a divorce right now—instead I’m starting the New Year with a loving husband and a happy life—thank you again.”

Annie deserves the credit and kudos for putting consistent, hard work into working on herself. Many spouses read words of advice suggesting changes they can make, but they never implement the changes.

Annie resisted the temptation to blame her husband or sit back passively waiting for him to change. Instead, she chose to focus on putting energy and effort into improving herself and making needed changes. By doing so, she created a win-win situation for herself and for her marriage.

Now that you know Annie’s “secret” to changing her marriage, what are you going to do with this knowledge? If your marriage is going to be substantially different at the end of this calendar year, it’s time to get moving.

****************

Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice.

BACK TO TOP

Why Always Having to Be Right Can Poison Your Marriage
 

When a spouse feels that he or she always has to be right, you can bet that there’s trouble ahead for the marriage. It doesn’t take a fortune teller with a crystal ball to predict the future when a spouse is determined to win every argument or disagreement at any cost.

Always having to be right is damaging to relationships because it interferes with healthy communication, shared decision-making, and satisfying intimacy. It is destructive to the self-esteem and self-confidence of the other partner, as well as preventing equality in the relationship.

There is a much-quoted question that asks, “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?” The implication is that you cannot be focused on being right and also have happy relationships with others.

Having to be right alienates the other person. And there’s certainly truth in Jules Renard’s advice that “If you are afraid of being lonely, don’t try to be right.”

Good communication is dependent on both partners feeling safe to express their individual viewpoints without being criticized or put down. If one spouse belittles the other one, or shows disrespect for his or her opinions, meaningful communication will not be possible.

Good communication involves the ability to listen to someone without interrupting them or telling them they are wrong. When spouses have good communication skills, they can listen to each other and show respect for the viewpoints expressed, even when they strongly disagree.

According to Epictetus, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” By listening intently and having a sense of curiosity, you can remain open to your partner while continuing to learn more about him (or her).

But first you have to realize that you do not have all the right answers to everything. No one does. According to Lord David Cecil, “The first step to knowledge is to know that we are ignorant.”

It is arrogant for a spouse to think that his (or her) opinions are always the right ones. It is arrogant to think that there is no value in listening to others and opening up to new viewpoints and approaches. It is arrogant to put others down because they differ in how they think.

You are showing others your own limitations and insecurities if you demand that they admit you are right and they are wrong. “When you judge others, you do not define them; you define yourself,” observed Earl Nightingale.

One of the marks of intelligence is to know what you do not know and to realize that there is always more to be learned. One of the marks of emotional maturity is to be able to admit when you are wrong, don’t have all the answers, or need to apologize. It has been said that the five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are, “I apologize,” and “You are right.”

Deep, true intimacy cannot develop when you are focused on winning each argument and proving your spouse wrong. If there are healthy relationship boundaries, both individuals can feel safe to express their real feelings and thoughts. It’s certainly possible to disagree without being disagreeable and without requiring that the other person admit you are right.

By using good communication skills, you can increase your understanding of why your partner feels as he or she does. By demonstrating respect for your spouse’s viewpoints, you deepen the intimacy in the relationship. By letting go of your need to always be right or “win,” you greatly increase your chances of creating and sustaining a happy, satisfying marriage.

The following quotation by an unknown author captures the importance of tolerance in a relationship: “The most lovable quality any human being can possess is tolerance. It is the vision that enables one to see things from another’s viewpoint. It is the generosity that concedes to others the right to their own peculiarities. It is the bigness that enables us to let people be happy in their own way.”

The spouse who can give heartfelt respect and tolerance to his or her partner is creating a win-win marital relationship where love can grow safely and freely. If you want to be happy, release the struggle and tension over who’s right and focus on what’s most important—deepening the feelings of connection and intimacy in your marriage.

****************

Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice.

BACK TO TOP

What Is the Number One Attitude That Indicates Your Marriage Is In Trouble?

Did you know that a trained observer could watch you and your spouse interact for several minutes and then predict with high accuracy whether your marriage will survive or not? Does that sound unbelievable?

In his bestselling book Blink, author Malcolm Gladwell writes about psychologist John Gottman’s research on what attitudes increase the chances that a marriage will end in divorce. Since the 1980’s, Gottman has videotaped more than three thousand married couples in his “love lab” near the University of Washington campus.

The results of each videotape have been analyzed according to a specific complex coding system that categorizes the emotions present in the interaction plus information from electrodes and sensors. Based on his calculations, if he analyzes an hour of a husband and wife talking, Gottman can predict with 95% accuracy whether the couple will still be married fifteen years later.

If Gottman watches a couple for fifteen minutes, he still has a success rate of 90 percent. A colleague of Gottman’s, Sybil Carrere, discovered that if they looked at only three minutes of a couple talking, it was still possible to predict with fairly impressive accuracy which marriages were going to make it and which would end in divorce.

Gottman finds out much of what he needs to know by focusing on what he calls the “Four Horsemen: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt.” Out of those four negatives, Gottman considers contempt the most important emotion of all.

Gladwell writes, “If Gottman observes one of both partners in a marriage showing contempt toward the other, he considers it the most important sign that a marriage is in trouble.” According to Gladwell, Gottman can eavesdrop on a couple in a restaurant and “get a pretty good sense of whether they need to start thinking about hiring lawyers and dividing up custody of the children.”

Why is contempt so damaging in a marriage? How can this one emotion cause so much damage? Contempt is different from criticism because it involves looking down on the other person and feeling superior to him (or her).

If you have contempt for your spouse, you are feeling scorn or disdain toward him. You feel disgust, sickening dislike, deep aversion, repugnance, and repulsion. You feel that he (or she) is beneath you and that he doesn’t deserve respect.

Gottman even found that the presence of contempt in a marriage can predict how many colds a spouse will get because “having someone you love express contempt toward you is so stressful that it begins to affect the functioning of your immune system.” And there isn’t any gender difference when it comes to contempt, according to Gottman’s research findings.

In light of this information, how do you think your interactions with your spouse would be viewed? Are you thinking that you’re off the hook because you haven’t said things like “You’re so stupid” to your partner?

Gottman has found that rolling your eyes when your spouse is talking to you is a classic sign that communicates contempt. So is assuming a patronizing, lecturing voice. The actual words used are only part of what is being communicated. The non-verbal component is also communicating loudly.

One of Gottman’s findings is that “for a marriage to survive, the ratio of positive to negative emotion in a given encounter has to be at least five to one.” When he tracks the level of a couple’s positive and negative emotions, he has found that “once they start going down, toward negative emotion, ninety-four percent will continue going down.”

So what can you do if you recognize yourself or your spouse in this article? If you recognize yourself, know that self-awareness of a behavior is the starting place for change. You can’t change what you’re not aware of. So you have taken the first positive step by looking closely at your own behavior and starting to become more aware of the damaging effect it is having on your marital relationship.

Next, you can share this article with your spouse and ask if he or she would be willing to go to marriage counseling so that you can get the help and support you need to make the necessary changes. If your spouse refuses, then start individual counseling for yourself.

If your spouse is the one expressing contempt for you, write a handwritten letter stating how much you value your marriage and want it to be the best possible. Ask him (or her) to please read this article because you don’t want to lose your loving feelings for him or for your marriage to end in divorce.

State that you would like to look at your part in things and how you might need to change and grow, and that you know this would be easier with the help of a marriage counselor. Take responsibility for your part in the relationship and show your willingness to look at your own behavior.

Keep the focus on making positive changes that will help your marriage be more satisfying to both of you. Avoid blame and accusations. It will be easier to address sensitive issues in the counselor’s office where you increase the odds that your spouse will be more receptive to what you have to say.

If contempt is present in your marriage, it’s important to take immediate action to stop the accelerating downhill slide of negative emotions. Without intervention, your marriage may be on a crash course to divorce, and there’s no time to waste.

****************

Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice.

BACK TO TOP

Ten Road Blocks to Satisfying Marital Communication

Over time, communication in a marriage can become blocked and unsatisfactory. Stress, work, children, and a constant time crunch can limit the time and energy you and your spouse have available to focus on maintaining good communication.

Throw in any other factors such as aging parents, depression, illness, or financial troubles and the challenge of maintaining healthy communication becomes even more difficult.

Of course, it’s important to be creative and look for more ways to cut back where you can and schedule more time in your marriage for communication. Ideally, you want to have some time each day when you and your spouse can touch base and share with each other.

If that’s not possible, then you certainly want to make it a top priority each week to find a time for relaxed, emotionally intimate conversation. Without good communication, you and your spouse are in danger of losing your heart connection.

As your time to talk, share, and communicate from the heart with your partner is negatively impacted by life events, it’s crucial that communication blocks be kept to a minimum. You need to get the most from the limited time that you do have.

The following list gives you guaranteed road blocks to healthy, satisfying communication in your marriage:

1. Rolling your eyes while your spouse is talking

This behavior isn’t funny when kids do it, and it’s certainly not going to get you any good will brownie points with your mate. It denotes disrespect for your partner and discounts the importance of what he (or she) is saying.

Solution: Try to understand the true meaning behind your spouse's words. Make an effort to understand if there's an angle or an aspect of your spouse's position that you can agree with.

2. Responding, “Do we have to talk about that again?”

This response, designed to avoid an unwanted conversation, may accomplish your short-range goal of getting out of talking at the moment. But whatever issue is unsettled won’t disappear. It will just go underground until it surfaces later in a bigger, more harmful way.

Solution: It's always better to resolve issues early before they grow in size. It's like weeding a garden. Weeding early and often keeps your relationship garden in good shape.

3. Yawning and looking bored

This behavior denotes a lack of respect for your spouse and her (or his) feelings. It may come back to haunt you in the bedroom where passion is kept alive by satisfying emotional intimacy (which is dependent on good communication).

Solution: Showing respect for your spouse's concerns wins good will credit for you. Pay attention and you'll be rewarded later. What goes around comes around.

4. Repeatedly looking at your watch

Do you really want your spouse to think that it’s not important to you to take time for his (or her) concerns? If you really don’t have time right then, tell your spouse that you are feeling distracted currently because you don’t have much time. Then set another time to talk as soon as possible.

Solution: Your goal is to continuously win the goodwill of your partner. One way to do that is to invest time into the relationship.

5. Continuing to watch television or play a computer game

This is another way to communicate disrespect and lack of concern for your spouse. At the end of your life, do you really think you’ll look back and wish you’d watched more TV or played more computer games? Not likely. But it is very likely that you’ll wish you had put more time and effort into your marriage.

Solution: Schedule time to talk with your spouse when there are no distractions. It's all about knowing what your priorities are and consciously deciding that your marriage is worth the effort.

6. Replying “Nothing” when asked what’s on your mind

This is a cop-out that leaves your partner stone-walled. Communication is a two-way street and is an indicator of the health and well-being of the marriage. If you opt-out, you automatically lose.

Solution: Meaningful talk requires honesty and vulnerability, which in turn require courage. That's a tall order, but it's the only way to create deep emotional intimacy.

7. Refusing to interact when your spouse is trying to talk to you

This can be a control issue that lets your spouse know that no one’s going to make you talk when you don’t want to. You may keep the control but lose your marriage one day.

Solution: Marital success requires humility. It means that it's more important to you to be happy than to be in control all the time.

8. Changing the subject abruptly

This tactic is designed to block the other person in his or her efforts to share. It denotes a lack of respect and consideration for your mate’s feelings and is just plain rude.

Solution: Remembering to have good manners with your spouse goes a long way in maintaining marital harmony. Try to respect your mate, even when you disagree.

9. Turning and walking away while your spouse is talking

Ditto number eight above. It’s like thumbing your nose at your spouse. You may win right now, but I’m betting that you’ll lose in some other important ways in your relationship.

Solution: Sometimes walking away can be a defense reaction. It is based on fear - fear of confrontation, fear of rejection, fear of anger, or some other variation. Instead, face your fear. That is the definition of courage.

10. Coming up with perpetual excuses to postpone the conversation

This behavior often reflects a basic approach to life—trying to avoid direct confrontation and escape what is perceived as an unpleasant situation. It’s the opposite of creative problem-solving to improve a relationship. Your wake-up call may not come until your spouse is headed out the door one day. Is that what you really want?

Solution: Think of the big picture. What kind of marriage do you want and how are you going to achieve it? What will happen if you don't think about it? Be honest with yourself and take responsibility for your part of th