Keep Your Marriage ArticlesWhy Retaliation Affairs Only Make Things Worse What Makes a Spouse Vulnerable to an Affair? The Danger of Taking Your Marriage for Granted Ten Ways Control Issues Can Harm a Marriage What Makes a Spouse Vulnerable to an Affair? How to Cope with a Spouse’s Negative Attitude How to Build Rapport with Your Spouse
How the Law of Attraction Affects Your Marriage Marriage Advice: Seven Easy Ways to Improve Your Marriage How to Sustain a Loving Marriage What You Didn’t Learn in School About Marriage What Happens When a Husband Stonewalls and a Wife Criticizes The Secret of How to Change Your Marriage
Why Always Having to Be Right Can Poison Your Marriage What Is the Number One Attitude That Indicates Your Marriage Is In Trouble? Ten Road Blocks to Satisfying Marital Communication Five Myths That Can Hurt Your Marriage Is There A Martyr In Your Marriage?
Why Avoiding Conflict Can Kill Sexual Desire Is Your Mate's Passive-Aggressive Behavior Driving You Crazy? What is Forgiveness and Why Should You Care? (Part 1) How to Forgive and Move On (Part 2) How to Recognize and Cope with an Emotional Affair
Marriage Tips: Fifteen Ways to Say "I Love You" in 3 Minutes or Less Marriage Advice: Seven Marriage Myths You Can't Afford to Ignore Twelve Ways to Make Your Spouse Dislike Sex Marriage Advice: Ten Ways to Add Romance to Your Marriage Marriage Advice: Ten Danger Signals to Watch for in Your Marriage Marriage Advice: What to Throw Overboard When Your Marriage Is In Trouble Marriage Advice: Eight Steps to Marital Harmony Marriage Advice: Twelve Steps to Creating an Affair-Proof Marriage
Marriage Counseling: What to Do When a Spouse Flirts Too Much Marriage Counseling: What Do Husbands Really Want in a Wife? Marriage Counseling: How to Reduce Hurt Feelings When You and Your Spouse Disagree Marriage Counseling: How to Keep Jealousy From Destroying Your Marriage Unhappy Marriage: Should You Stay or Leave? Marriage Counseling Tips: What to Do When Your Spouse Won't Talk Marriage Advice: Upgrade Your Marriage By Changing Your Focus
Ten Beliefs That Can Contribute to an Unhappy Marriage How to Keep Hope Alive During a Marriage Crisis How You Answer This Question Can Change Your Marriage What Do the Words "I Don't Love You Anymore" Really Mean?
The High Cost of Resentment and Anger in Marriage Enhancing Communication in Marriage How to Nurture Intimacy When You're in a Long-Distance Marriage Improve Your Relationship by Taking Care of Yourself First
Eight Valentine's Day Gifts That Can Improve Your Marriage 10 Valentine's Day Tips for Spouses Who Want to Improve Their Marriage
Eight Valentine's Day Gifts That Can Improve Your Marriage Are you wondering what to give your spouse for Valentine’s Day this year? In addition to the candy, flowers or romantic card you select, would you like to give something else with long-reaching impact? If so, here are eight Valentine’s Day gifts to consider that can improve the quality of your marriage. Many are free or low-cost and won’t strain the budget, but they all have the potential to be the “gift that keeps on giving.” 1. Giving extra time and attention to your spouse each week. This is a priceless gift that will enrich your relationship and contribute to better intimacy. Be creative and make time in your schedule to sit and talk with your spouse and to do fun things together. You may need to reduce the time you watch TV or talk on the phone, but the payoff will be worth it. 2. Planning fun or interesting experiences versus expensive meals in a restaurant. While eating out can be fun, it can also be stressful for some couples because of the demand for on-going conversation while you’re sitting across the table from each other. If your communication is currently strained because of marital conflict or problems, this can feel awkward. Instead, what about going bowling or skating? Or attending a play or concert? Going for a ride in a hot air balloon? Taking a gourmet cooking class together? Learning to dance the Cha-Cha? Visiting a nearby aquarium, zoo, botanical gardens, art museum, or historical site together? Think in terms of sharing an experience together that will be enjoyable and bonding. 3. Making your sexual relationship a consistent priority. The on-going importance of sex in a marriage is often underrated as time goes by. The demands of children, family members, a career, housework, and other activities can siphon off your energy and time. Neglecting this vitally important part of your marriage can lead to serious problems such as affairs, the feeling of being roommates or friends instead of lovers, and the eroding of sexual and emotional intimacy. Just because your mate doesn’t talk about being unhappy with the sexual status quo doesn’t mean that all is well. Take the initiative and invest renewed energy into your sex life. 4. Taking good care of yourself so that you’re happy, centered and balanced. You can’t give someone else what you don’t already have yourself. Peace, love, and harmony come from inside of you and aren’t created by external events. There’s that funny saying, “If Mama isn’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” There’s a lot of truth to that in a family. The emotions and moods of either spouse can throw off the harmony in the entire household. So make a commitment to treat yourself with respect and love. Get extra rest, eat right, exercise, keep in touch with friends, and nurture yourself. You’ll have more energy to give to your mate if you do. 5. Working on yourself and your personal issues in individual counseling so that your unresolved “hot buttons” don’t cause problems in your marriage. This can be a huge gift to give your mate—the gift of an emotionally healthier you. Individual counseling can help you to become more aware of your own issues that are triggered by others and help you to see the “bigger picture.” You can’t change what you’re not aware of. The resulting self-awareness from counseling can help you to understand yourself better, make necessary changes, and become easier to live with. 6. Improving your relationship skills by reading books, listening to CD’s or tapes, and, if your mate is willing, going to couples counseling together. Educating yourself about relationship dynamics, strategies, and tips can greatly improve your ability to work out win-win solutions with your mate. You can check out books, CD’s, and tapes from the library or search online for relationship guides. If your mate is willing, you could read or listen to the materials together. Or you could invest in some couples counseling to help you cope with present challenges or to prevent future problems. 7. Expanding your circle of friends individually and as a couple to include more positive, inspiring people. You are influenced by the friends you hang out with—either for better or for the worse. To become more positive in approach and to achieve your relationship goals, be on the lookout for people who have the type of attitude and marriage that you would like to have. Identify those individuals who bring out the best in you and look for ways to create friendships with them, either individually or as a couple. The more positive, encouraging, motivated, and inspiring people you surround yourself with, the greater the odds that you’ll change yourself and your relationship for the better. 8. Deepening your own spiritual connection and sharing this goal with your mate, if possible. Inner peace, calm, and faith can be strengthened as you deepen your own spiritual connection, and this can have a positive impact on your marriage. If you and your spouse are fortunate enough to share this goal, the resulting feeling of soul connection can be deeply rewarding. If you don’t have similar beliefs about spiritual matters, look for other ways to share experiences that take you “out of yourself” and into the awareness of a power greater than yourself. Moments such as these can occur when you’re looking at beautiful scenery such as mountains, lakes, streams, the ocean, a field of wildflowers, birds flying overhead, or lying on your back at night looking up at the stars. Sharing these special moments together is a gift you can both give your relationship. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Why Retaliation Affairs Only Make Things Worse It’s not unusual for a spouse whose partner has had an affair to have a “get even” or “retaliation affair.” The feelings of betrayal and the emotional pain are so devastating that the spouse may want to hurt the partner like he (or she) has been hurt. In some cases, the affair is planned out in advance as a deliberate way to get even and cause pain to the partner. In other cases, the betrayed spouse confides in a sympathetic friend or co-worker and ends up becoming emotionally bonded with that person, eventually resulting in a sexual affair. There are other situations where the spouse impulsively picks up someone in a bar and has a one-night stand. The affair or one-night stand results from a combination of feelings—betrayal, shock, outrage, grief, hurt, numbness, the desire for revenge, and the feeling that being faithful doesn’t matter anymore now that the partner has crossed the line. The betrayed spouse wants to “even the score,” to seek comfort and solace in someone else’s arms, and to prop up self-esteem and feelings of being sexually desirable. There’s also the feeling on the part of the betrayed spouse that the partner can’t say anything about the retaliation affair because he or she did the same thing. There’s also often the feeling that the “get even affair” is the fault of the partner who had the first affair, and he (or she) gets the blame for everything that has happened. The betrayed spouse may tell the partner: “This is all your fault. If you hadn’t had the affair that you did, none of this would have happened.” He (or she) may be unwilling to accept any responsibility for what has taken place, and he may become mired in blame. (This, of course, is a cop-out. Each person is always responsible for individual choices and decisions.) While it’s easy to understand how a retaliation or get even affair can happen, dealing with the aftermath certainly isn’t easy. The relationship dynamics were already complicated and messy, and now they are even more so. Retaliation affairs only make things worse. Here are ten reasons why: 1. When the original affair took place, there was already one person too many in the marriage relationship—now there are two people too many, with all of the complications and complexity that brings with it. The marriage problems are compounded when this happens. 2. The outside person who has been drawn into the retaliation affair is likely to end up feeling used and taken advantage of when the dust settles. And using someone else sexually never produces the kind of energy that you want to invite into your life. Plus, afterwards there can be lingering guilt and regret. 3. Because the retaliation affair is based on wanting to hurt your partner, nothing good can come of it. This quote by Charley Reese sums up why: “It is never wise to seek or wish for another’s misfortune. If malice or envy were tangible and had a shape, it would be a boomerang.” 4. Having a retaliation affair is right up there with “cutting off your nose to spite your face” and “shooting yourself in the foot.” This means that you’ll only be hurting yourself more than anyone else if you let your anger and desire for revenge get the upper hand. 5. Engaging in a “get even fling” will only drive a bigger wedge between you and your partner and make it harder for you to address the real problems in the marriage. It will also serve as a diversion from focusing on the deeper, underlying issues. 6. The retaliation affair or one night stand offers only temporary escape from the pain and distress. When the brief interlude is over, the heartache is still there. There’s no getting around the fact that “You take yourself with you wherever you go.” The temporary escape won’t bring you lasting happiness or joy. 7. Getting even with your partner by having sex with someone else won’t help you accomplish the goal of rebuilding and restoring your marriage. It will only take you further down the road toward dissention, irreconcilable differences, separation, and divorce. 8. If you have children, they can be adversely affected by your actions. Kids learn about relationships, problem solving, and how to handle crisis and anger from their parents. It’s important to model the kind of behavior and reactions that you want them to learn and adopt in their life. 9. You never go wrong by taking the “high road.” On the other hand, you invite negative energy, disharmony, conflict, and unpleasantness into your life when you take the “low road.” It can take a long time to untangle yourself from the mess you’ve created. 10. The saying, “Two wrongs don’t make a right” has been quoted through the years because it’s true—just because someone else “did you wrong” doesn’t make it okay for you to do the same thing to them. There’s another saying that applies here: “He who seeks revenge should dig two graves.” Hard as it can be to resist the urge to get even or retaliate, the most helpful action you can take if you are the betrayed spouse is to find an experienced counselor who can help you cope with the painful situation. That way, you’ll have the support, encouragement, and objective feedback that you need to make sound, thoughtful decisions and avoid a rash “knee jerk” response that will tear your relationship apart even more. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. The Danger of Taking Your Marriage for Granted Quick, what is the most common attitude a spouse can have that leads a marriage down the path to breakup? If you said taking the partner for granted, you’d be right. Is this an issue in your marriage? It is human nature to want to be valued, appreciated and nurtured. And when you think about it, these are the essential and fundamental qualities that keep a couple bonded together. They are the positive strokes from a spouse that make it easy to love in return. They are the essence of romance. In contrast, when a couple lacks these positive strokes of regard, the relationship suffers and the partners drift apart. It’s as if the bricks in the foundation of a house lack mortar. The foundation will eventually crumble and the house will fall down. How does this happen? Start first by understanding how your relationship got into its present state. Before the wedding during courtship, couples tend to make more effort to look good, show courtesy, and be romantic. They do this to “win” each other’s approval and willingness to get married. But at some point after the “honeymoon period” has ended, it’s not uncommon for spouses to start taking each other for granted. One partner or the other may think that since they have made a lifelong commitment to love each other, that’s enough. Slowly, over time, the extra romantic gestures, thoughtfulness, expressions of appreciation, and sense of fun and adventure start falling by the wayside. This, in turn, affects the quality of the intimacy in the relationship and the satisfaction level. At this point in the relationship, many spouses just accept the “status quo” as something that routinely happens as time goes by in a marriage. They figure that this is normal, that there’s nothing they can do about it, and that what’s most important is that they have made a commitment to each other by getting married. They view the marriage as a strong, permanent bond that will keep them together. This is one of the myths that Allen Berger, Ph.D. addresses in his new book, Love Secrets Revealed: What Happy Couples Know About Having Great Sex, Deep Intimacy and a Lasting Connection (2006). According to Dr. Berger, the reality is that “Romantic relationships and marriages are held together with an extremely fragile emotional bond. Taking a relationship for granted is dangerous and will often result in tragedy.” He states that “...all romantic relationships have a ‘fragile bond’ that must be nurtured.” He continues by saying that he has seen “hundreds of men and women who, after years of ignoring the quality of their relationships, express shock when a partner decides to leave. They’d based their entire future on the myth that marriage involves a lifelong commitment.” It’s not enough to rely on a marriage license to hold your relationship together. Relationships need time, effort, energy, attention, and nourishment in order to thrive. Dr. Berger advises couples that “their first child is their relationship” and that this relationship “needs as much care and attention as a human infant.” It’s not enough to say that spouses “shouldn’t” walk away from their marriages or “shouldn’t” divorce. The reality is that many unhappy spouses do walk out the door, and marriages do wither away and die a slow death. Read through the following list and see if any of the behaviors mentioned apply to you and your marriage. Each behavior represents a “land mine” of trouble in a marriage: 1. “If your partner isn’t complaining, everything is probably okay.” It’s important to keep communication channels open and to take the time to routinely listen to your spouse and talk deeply about any issues or concerns. Don’t take for granted that all is well if your communication has dried up. 2. “If you let your appearance go, it’s no big deal.” No one likes to feel that their mate doesn’t think they are worth the time and effort to look their best. Being taken for granted in this way won’t keep your romantic and sex life sizzling. 3. “It doesn’t matter that you’ve stopped doing the little romantic things to show that you really care.” When a partner stops making romantic and thoughtful gestures, the mate often concludes that the partner’s love is lessening. The mate then feels taken for granted, and romantic feelings may dull. 4. “Now that you’re married, you don’t have to express appreciation or say ‘thank you’ as often.” When a partner doesn’t show appreciation or say “thank you,” the mate can feel unimportant and taken for granted. The mate may start thinking, “She’s only married to me for my paycheck” or “He doesn’t value my contributions to the marriage.” 5. “If you’re too busy (work, hobbies, friends, etc.) to spend quality time together and share some fun activities, it’s okay because you’ll make it up to your spouse later on.” People can’t be “put on hold” for week, months, and years. Neither can relationships. If you take your spouse for granted in this way, you run the risk of losing your emotional connection and discovering that when you’re finally ready to devote time to the relationship, your partner doesn’t want to be with you. The commitment you and your spouse made to each other at your wedding is unlikely to be enough to sustain your marriage at a high level of quality over a period of years. If you want more in your marriage month to month, you have to give more – consistently and continuously. Remember, your relationship is like a garden. You have to care for it consciously and consistently if you want it to produce fruit. And we all want the fruit of love in our marriage, don’t we? **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Ten Ways Control Issues Can Harm a Marriage Is your spouse too controlling? Are you too passive? Or are the roles reversed? Either way, if decisions in your marriage are normally a “tug of war” struggle and the same partner either almost always wins or almost always gives in, then your marriage is being impacted by control issues. Control issues refer to who’s in control, who’s in charge, or who’s getting their way. What’s at stake is the power in the relationship and how differences are resolved. It’s impossible to completely avoid all control issues in a relationship. Whether you have serious control problems in your marriage will depend on the frequency and intensity of the control issues that arise. But significant control issues are harmful to a relationship. Here are ten reasons you need to be concerned if you have unresolved control problems in your marriage: 1. Control issues set up a parent-child relationship or dictatorship in the marriage. This shows a lack of trust and respect for the partner’s feelings, preferences, and judgment. 2. Relationships based on “one-up-man-ship” are constructed on the “winner-loser” model. This isn’t what you want to have in a healthy relationship. You want to create a “win-win” model. 3. The “winner” of the control struggle is viewed as “strong,” while the “loser” is viewed as “weak.” This dynamic isn’t helpful to your relationship. It tears down your feeling of closeness and intimacy instead of building it up. 4. By stifling individuality and freedom, you run the risk of smothering and stifling the very things that you value most—your spouse and your marriage. When one person makes the majority of the decisions, new ideas and honest feelings and reactions are suppressed. 5. Control issues contribute to increasing the anger, resentment, and bitterness in the relationship. This is the natural spin-off of feeling disrespected or controlled by someone else. 6. Thinking your mate should be just like you harms your relationship, as does viewing your mate as an extension of yourself. This squelches individuality and freedom and keeps your mate from living up to his or her potential. 7. Passive partners often become passive-aggressive when they are in a relationship with a more controlling partner. This gets in the way of honest, direct communication. They “forget” to keep a promise to the spouse or conveniently sabotage the spouse’s efforts in some way. 8. An overly-controlling spouse sets up dynamics in the relationship that encourages the more passive partner to sneak around and hide things rather than risk confrontation. For example, a passive spouse may secretly phone a friend who she (or he) knows the partner doesn’t want her to have any contact with. 9. Control conflict in a marriage encourages the game of “catch me if you can.” In this game, the passive partner tries to defy or get around the controller’s rules. This can become a game of sorts within the relationship. 10. Unexpressed anger and resentment accumulate, and eventually the passive mate may rebel and decide there’s nothing to lose by becoming defiant or ending the marriage. This brings out the controlling tendency of the spouse even more, and his (or her) efforts to control the “rebellion” make things worse. Any vestige of being on the same “team” is now gone, and the partners can feel like adversaries. Trying to control your mate—actions, thoughts, feelings—will always boomerang eventually and will have a harmful effect on your relationship. It’s important to understand the relationship dynamics that are created when power and decision-making is out-of-balance in a marriage. That’s the first step to becoming more aware and knowledgeable about the subject so that you can evaluate your relationship and decide if you need to make any personal changes. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. What Makes a Spouse Vulnerable to an Affair? Do you ever worry about your spouse becoming involved in an affair? Have you wondered what makes a spouse easy prey for someone else who’s looking for an excuse to stray? If so, then you have plenty of company. Given all the news stories and movies about cheating spouses, you’d have to be an ostrich with your head buried in the sand not to at least occasionally consider the possibility. If you’ve always said, “My husband (or wife) would never cheat on me,” you’re being unrealistic and naïve. Most people who have affairs aren’t bad or weak individuals, but they are vulnerable at the time the affair begins. Of course, there are some husbands and wives who engage in multiple affairs and appear incapable of being faithful—that’s a different situation. In this article, I’m focusing on spouses who have a history of being faithful and then surprise themselves and others by cheating on their partner. Here are some points to consider as you consider ways to strengthen your marriage and reduce the odds that your spouse will find solace in someone else’s arms: 1. A spouse who is experiencing issues with aging and the stereotypic “mid-life crisis” is vulnerable. Self-esteem can plummet as an individual feels less attractive and desirable, and this can make her (or him) more susceptible to attention and compliments from someone other than the spouse. 2. A spouse who feels unappreciated by his (or her) partner is at higher risk for becoming involved with someone else who appreciates his good qualities and doesn’t take him for granted. Many spouses who stray say that the mate only viewed them as a paycheck or someone to make their life easier. They didn’t feel appreciated for who they were and their positive contributions to the marriage. 3. A spouse who is in a sexless marriage is very vulnerable. This is also true when there is a sexual relationship but the partner treats sex as a “duty.” This is a sure set-up for trouble. Couples sometimes try to coast along for years in this situation, with the unhappy mate trying to tolerate the situation for the sake of the marriage and/or the children. But the reality is that the spouse is often easy prey when “hot sex” with someone who enjoys it comes along. 4. A spouse who does not feel emotionally connected to her (or his) mate is at risk. In this situation, the individual may first become involved in an emotional affair with a co-worker or business associate, and this may eventually lead to more. A marriage that is lacking intimacy and a feeling of connection between the spouses is a set-up for an affair. 5. A spouse who is depressed, anxious, and unusually stressed is at risk. When an individual is depressed, worried, or under intense prolonged pressure, sexual libido decreases. As a result, the spouse may erroneously conclude that he or she is no longer in love with the partner, not realizing that the physiological and emotional conditions are impacting the lack of sexual desire. Also, depressed individuals tend to focus on the negatives in a relationship and minimize the positives. Thus, it’s easy for them to blame the partner for any problems in the marriage and view a new sexual partner who arouses their desire as validation that everything is the spouse’s fault. 6. A spouse who is in an unhappy marriage with long-term unresolved problems is at risk. Discouragement, anger, frustration, and bitterness cause emotional debris to accumulate that makes a spouse more vulnerable to an affair. Often, one or both partners lack the skills to resolve the problems and either they haven’t tried marriage counseling or they didn’t find the therapist who was right for them. 7. A spouse who has difficulty in confronting relationship problems directly is vulnerable to an affair. She (or he) will be likely to pretend that everything is okay and try to bury any negative feelings in order to keep the peace. But eventually the unresolved feelings will surface and snuff out the passion in the marriage. At that point, the partner still may not have a clue about the depth of his mate’s unhappiness and her susceptibility to a potential affair. 8. A spouse who doesn’t have good problem solving skills and doesn’t know what to do about an unsatisfying marriage is vulnerable. It’s not uncommon for a spouse in this position to drift into an affair as a way to finally escape the marriage when the partner finds out. That way, the spouse gives the mate a solid reason to request a divorce and take the initiative in ending the marriage. 9. A spouse who uses escape as a way to avoid having to confront problems is vulnerable. The escape behavior can take the form of alcohol or drug abuse, working all the time, or involvement in an affair. When a spouse has a history of not taking responsibility and not dealing with problems, then escaping the reality of the marriage problems by putting focus and energy into an affair as a distraction and diversion is a very real possibility. 10. A spouse who doesn’t feel that the partner really knows her (or him) for who she is and doesn’t care about her is vulnerable. Many times, an individual involved in an affair will tell a counselor that the other person understands her and knows her much better than her own husband does. If a spouse acts uninterested in the mate’s life, thoughts, and feelings, the resulting hurt and emotional pain can make her more susceptible to an affair. Some of the situations listed above are situational, such as aging and prolonged stress, and may require giving a spouse extra attention and nurturance for a time. Others are reflective of a long-term relationship with major unresolved problems that could benefit from marriage counseling. As you assess your own marriage and what steps to take to strengthen it, remember the importance of paying attention and giving consistent time, effort, and focus to your relationship. Whatever you do, don’t take your marriage or your spouse for granted. After all, if you don’t appreciate and value your spouse, there’s probably someone else out there who would be glad to step in and fill the void. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. How to Cope with a Spouse’s Negative Attitude Is your spouse a negative person? Does he or she consistently zero in on what’s wrong with you and the marriage while overlooking the many positives? If so, it’s also quite possible that your spouse is just a negatively-oriented person about most things—work, the marriage, other people, the future, and life in general. Perhaps as time goes by, your spouse is becoming even more negative, critical, and complaining. When I first talked to “Leigh” (not her real name), she was ready to leave her marriage because of her husband’s constant negativity. “Al” was a master at finding fault with Leigh’s decisions and suggestions. He had a sharp wit and could deliver zingers without batting an eye. If Leigh suggested a picnic, Al responded with complaints about the perils of fire ants, killer bees, and sudden thunderstorms. Whenever she made a suggestion, Al would discourse on what was wrong with the idea and why it wouldn’t work. If he did agree to go along with one of Leigh’s ideas or suggestions, he always expected the worse or talked about the negative aspects. In addition, Al was very critical. The restaurant they tried was “too expensive,” the dinner conversation with friends was “too boring,” the movie was “too long,” the weekend camping trip was “too much work,” a gift from a family member was “stingy,” and the people at the church they visited were “hypocrites.” His boss is “an idiot,” his job “sucks,” and his life is “the pits.” Since a negative attitude is highly contagious, it was challenging for Leigh to be around Al and not lose her normally positive orientation. She often felt drained and deflated in spirit after her interactions with Al. When she realized that he was becoming more negative the older he got and that she was starting to resent his attitude, she consulted with me. Eight Steps to Overcome Negativity If you’re in the same situation—married to a spouse with a negative attitude—I would give you the same recommendations that I gave Leigh. Here’s what you can do: 1. Deliberately cultivate friendships with other individuals and couples who have positive attitudes and who are fun to be around. Try to expand you and your spouse’s circle of friends to include couples who would be good role models for your mate and spend time with those couples. Cut back on spending time with friends who encourage your spouse’s negative comments and attitude and slowly over time try to add individuals and couples who are strong positive influences. 2. Be sure that you have friends, activities, hobbies, and interests in your life that “feed your soul” and help you stay on a positive track. If things in your marriage aren’t what you wish they were, then you need to find satisfaction and joy in other areas to keep you centered and balanced emotionally. Listen to inspiring songs and read inspirational books. “Feed” yourself a diet of positive messages that encourage and motivate you. 3. Monitor your moods to be sure that you’re not getting tangled up in what are commonly called “co-dependency” issues. That’s when you let your mood be determined and set by someone else. An example would be if you were depressed all day because your spouse was in a bad mood at breakfast. Just because he’s in a funk doesn’t mean that you can’t have an enjoyable day. You don’t have to let your mate’s mood determine your mood or spoil your day. Don’t give away your personal power. Take responsibility for creating your own happiness instead of being so influenced by your spouse’s negative attitude. 4. Keep a gratitude journal where you list what you’re thankful for each day. Form the habit of sharing with your spouse things that you’re thankful for. At dinner, for example, you might talk about how helpful the clerk at the grocery store was or tell about the favor a co-worker did for you that you appreciate. If you’re thankful for seeing a beautiful bird or a lovely flowering tree, share your feelings. If you feel blessed by the kindness of a friend, share that. Even if what you say doesn’t impact your mate, you need to hear yourself expressing gratitude and appreciation for the gifts that you’ve been given. This helps you to keep focused on what’s right with your life instead of what’s wrong with it. 5. Try not to judge your spouse or make him or her “wrong” for being so negative. There are many factors that can influence a person’s attitudes: the attitudes they learned from their parents, their experiences growing up, low self-esteem, intense stress, clinical depression, a habit of negative self-talk, life disappointments and discouragement, and lack of hope. Sometimes individuals who are negative think they are being “realistic” or helpful by “calling a spade a spade.” Others may think they are witty for delivering clever “zingers” and criticisms. 6. Schedule a time to talk to your partner about your concerns. Without sounding judgmental or “preachy,” give some specific examples of how her (or his) negativity has impacted you significantly. Perhaps your spouse is not even aware of just how negative she has become, or perhaps she is feeling depressed and needs to talk to her doctor or a counselor. If your spouse reacts in anger, stay calm and non-defensive. State that you’d rather share your feelings now than have them fester underground and cause even more problems later. 7. If nothing changes after your talk with your spouse, write him (or her) a letter outlining your feelings and concerns about your reactions to his negative attitude. State that you want to look forward to your interactions and time with him, but you’re afraid the constant negativity will eventually affect your feelings. In the letter, tell your spouse how much you value him and your marriage and that you love him deeply. Ask your mate to go to marriage counseling with you so that your marriage will stay strong and satisfying for both of you. 8. If your spouse is not willing to address the problem by talking with you or going to counseling, then make an appointment to see a counselor by yourself. You’ll need support and help in determining just what the next step needs to be—trying again to communicate verbally or in writing, or trying to adjust and live with things as they are, or in an extreme case, considering a temporary marital separation. You’ll need a deep commitment to staying positive and upbeat to be able to withstand the strong negativity in your marriage relationship. The encouraging news, however, is that according to Robert H. Schuller, “It takes but one positive thought when given a chance to survive and thrive to overpower an entire army of negative thoughts.” **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. How to Build Rapport with Your Spouse Do you wish that you had better rapport with your spouse? Are you at a loss for what to do to increase communication and emotional intimacy? Recently, Christian Godefroy published a story titled “The Dancing Cow” in a newsletter I receive. When I read the story, I immediately thought of how the main point applies to married couples. Here’s the story: Michal and Kental started arguing as to which of them wrote the better music. "My music is better," Michal said. "My melodies bring tears to the eyes of all women." "No, my music is better," Kental disagreed. "My scores are more enchanting than anything! Your music couldn't move a cow, my poor Michal." "And what do you think? That your scores would make it dance?" The dispute was in full swing when a peasant passed by, leading his cow back home from the field. The two musicians saw an opportunity to put their theories to the test. "Hello there," they said. "Would you mind if we played something for your cow?" "Well, if it gives you pleasure, why not? She's seen a lot worse in her day, I can tell you." Michal warmed his hands, tuned his balalaika (a stringed instrument of Russian origin) and played the most beautiful melody ever heard by a cow. But without result - the beast ruminated without moving an ear. Vexed, Michal passed the instrument to his compatriot, who played a lively score with the same result - no reaction from the cow. "It's a lost cause," Michal cried. "Your cow does not have a musical ear." "Well, I don't know about that," the peasant replied. "If you would lend me your instrument for a moment, I could play something for her." Intrigued, Michal and Kental handed over the balalaika. The peasant did his best to imitate the humming of the flies and the mooing of little cows. The cow lifted her ears, started whipping her tail from side to side, and walked closer to the peasant as if to hear the music better. The main point of the story according to Godefrey is that ”if you have trouble communicating with people, it may be that, like Michal and Kental, you are not playing the music they are used to hearing.” This is really profound wisdom! In other words, you have to start where the other person is, using that person’s frame of reference. You can’t start where you are if the other person isn’t in the same place and doesn’t have the same background and experience. First, you have to enter the other person’s world and start with what’s familiar to him (or her) to get his attention. In the story, perhaps in time the cow could have learned to respond to other music besides the sounds the peasant played at first. But initially, the cow showed no reaction whatsoever until the peasant played the sounds that the cow could relate to and was familiar with—the humming of flies and the mooing of little cows. So the beginning point for getting the cow’s attention and involvement was to start making the sounds the cow was most familiar with. The cow could relate to those sounds and responded with attention and movement. Are you wondering how this applies to building better rapport with your spouse? Here’s all you have to remember to apply the moral of the dancing cow story: To begin building better communication and rapport with your spouse, start in his (or her) world first—enter his world and start where he is right now. Here are some suggestions: 1. Temporarily downplay your own needs and what you want from your spouse. Initiate conversations where you ask your spouse about his (or her) day, his work, and his activities, showing interest and empathy. For example, you may say, “It must be frustrating to have a boss who changes his mind so much” or “You must have been disappointed when it rained and you couldn’t take your usual jog after work today.” See if he will open up and talk about his frustrations, disappointments, and dreams. 2. Make a concerted effort to understand your spouse’s mindset and feelings about the things that happen in her (or his) world. If she holds differing opinions, try to understand why and how they are different. Pretend you’re on a debate team and need to understand her viewpoint to be able to present it to others and to defend it. If her tastes in music are different from yours, for example, be open to learning more about why she enjoys the music she does. Look for any common denominators between your taste and hers that you can build on. Even if you never change your mind about your likes and dislikes, your spouse will appreciate the fact that you were motivated enough to want to understand her world better. 3. Go out of your way to show that you care about your spouse and that you appreciate him (or her). Most spouses take the partner for granted in many ways and stop expressing appreciation and saying “Thank you.” Go out of your way to notice the large and small things that your partner does that you appreciate. Say a verbal “Thank you” or buy a special card and express your feelings in writing. Sincere appreciation can foster rapport. 4. When you’re talking to your spouse, try to match your breathing and speaking rates to his (or hers). It’s harder to build rapport when your spouse is laid-back and relaxed at the moment and you’re agitated and upset. Without being obvious and making it look like you’re mimicking your partner, slow down and adjust your breathing rate to more closely match that of your partner’s. Align your rate of speech to match his and try to get in sync with his energy at the moment. You might also try sitting or standing in the same position your spouse is, without making it obvious that you’re copying his behavior. In addition, you can align your facial expression and gestures with his. Many good communicators do these things unconsciously because they help to build rapport and offer a good starting point for better communication. The key to doing this successfully is to start where your spouse is at the moment in terms of energy level and emotions. 5. Slowly encourage your partner to expand his (or her) world. For example, after listening to your spouse’s description of what happened at work, if he doesn’t ask about your day, summarize what happened in two or three short sentences before ending the conversation. If your spouse spends every evening in front of the television set, ask her (or him) to select five minutes when the television can be turned off and you can take a “snuggle break.” Start small and build up to longer amounts of time. Offer to give your spouse a foot, shoulder, or back massage. Really put yourself into the experience as you ease away your partner’s cares of the day with your healing touch. Let your partner know how much you enjoy being able to do this for her (or him) and see if she offers to reciprocate either then or later. You’ll be more likely to succeed in building rapport if your partner feels that you’re sincerely interested in what happens to him (or her), that you appreciate him, that you care about him, that you value him, and that you want to spend time with him. If what you’re doing isn’t working, remember the story of the dancing cow and change the “tune” you’re playing. Instead of trying to begin where you want things to be, start in your partner’s frame of reference and slowly move in the direction you want to eventually go. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. How the Law of Attraction Affects Your Marriage Which of the following sayings have you heard before? “What you sow, you reap.” These sayings are all different ways to express the Law of Attraction that’s always in operation in every area of your life. According to the Law of Attraction, you attract those things into your life that you focus on. In other words, you invite into your life what you are predominantly thinking about and feeling. It’s as though you’re a magnet, and you attract back into your life the exact type of energy that you’re vibrating or giving out into the world. You’ve probably had the experience of being furious about something that happened and then having angry run-ins with other people afterwards. It starts a negative chain reaction. You might have a disagreement with a co-worker and leave work upset. Then you end up shaking your fist at another driver on the way home. You stop by the grocery store and get into an altercation with another customer or the clerk. When you finally get home, you then get into a fight with your spouse. In this scenario, your angry energy is attracting anger back to you—remember, like attracts like. If you’re angry, you’ll attract people and situations that will bring even more anger into your life. The interesting thing is that you get back what you focus on and put your energy into, whether it’s wanted or unwanted. So if you spend a lot of time and energy thinking and talking about what you don’t want in your life (or your marriage, your relationships with others, your job, your finances, etc.), then that’s what you’ll be attracting more of—what you don’t want. For example, if Tom says that he wants a happy marriage, but he constantly focuses on what his partner does that dissatisfies him, he’ll just keep finding more and more reasons to be dissatisfied. The energy of dissatisfaction is at work. As Tom continues to gripe to himself or others about his spouse’s negative traits—that she’s not the best housekeeper, that she’s often late, that sometimes she doesn’t give him enough attention, that she talks to her friends too much on the phone—he begins to overlook his wife’s many good points. Over time, Tom will begin to devalue his spouse and the marriage. And as Tom’s wife senses his negative energy and negative feelings toward her, she will likely find herself pulling back emotionally and feeling less positive toward him. It only takes a small increase in the amount of negative energy present for a marriage to begin to be less satisfying for both partners. According to Lynn Grabhorn in Excuse Me, Your life Is Waiting (a book I highly recommend about the astonishing power of feelings), “...as long as we’re glaring somewhere else—past or present—at all the stuff we don’t like, not only are we inviting more of the same, we’re blocking all the good things we’d like to see in its place.” She continues by saying, “...if our partner...has some dorky little habits that annoy us (Don’t Wants), and we focus on them...all we’re doing is perpetuating the dorky habits we’d like to erase, because we’re holding them in our vibration.” Grabhorn says that giving continual attention to disagreeable conditions creates a downward spiral in the relationship. Our constant grousing enlarges the petty thing we’re griping about. She states that “...not only will that infamous toothpaste cap never get put back on the tube, but that very irritation has the potential, with our constant negative focus, to escalate into an unwanted extramarital affair, a fender bender, a layoff, even a divorce.” Grabhorn summarizes the point she’s making by asserting that “...focusing on what you don’t want in a relationship is never going to get you what you want.” Furthermore, if you view your spouse as “needing to be fixed,” you’re judging and sending the message that he or she is “wrong.” This swamps your partner with negative energy and takes away any desire to want to change. One of the worst kinds of energy you can send to another person is the energy of blame. That will always make the situation worse than it already is. Instead, direct your attention to what you appreciate and like about your spouse and let that positive energy and good will grow and spread. As you concentrate on your spouse’s positive traits and contributions, you’ll feel more positive toward her (or him) and will be more likely to elicit positive feelings in return. Spend time visualizing what kind of loving relationship you’d like to have with your spouse. Then, work on keeping yourself open to the kind of energy you want to have more of in your life—such as peace, harmony, love, joy, and kindness. Focus on becoming more patient, understanding, tolerant, and forgiving. Cultivate and nurture the traits that you want to grow in your relationship. Remember, you have the choice to expand the positive energy in your relationship or to expand the negative energy. It’s the difference between fertilizing beautiful flowers or fertilizing stinging nettles—you always grow more of what you focus on. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Marriage Advice: Seven Easy Ways to Improve Your Marriage Improving your marriage doesn’t necessarily have to involve huge changes on your part or your spouse’s. Many times, the cumulative effect of small changes can make a significant difference in the quality of a relationship. It can be discouraging to only focus on the big, sweeping long-range changes that you feel are needed, such as improved communication or increased intimacy. Instead, focus on making several small changes that can affect the quality of your relationship right away. Once you generate some positive energy flow, it’ll be easier to tackle the larger issues. Plus, you’ll be more motivated to put forth the effort and to keep trying. Here are seven easy ways you can improve your marriage: 1. Schedule date nights on a regular basis. Did you know research by Idaho State University shows that one of the secrets to a happy marriage is scheduling regular dates? This study involving 132 couples found those who went on dates more often (the average was six dates a month) were more likely to be satisfied with their marriage than those who spent less time together. So get out your calendar and schedule some times for you and your spouse to go out and spend time together doing something you both enjoy. You might have dinner in a restaurant, go dancing, see a movie or play, or listen to live music. The important thing is you’re spending time together and having fun. If you have children and have been neglecting this part of your relationship for a long time because you don’t want to leave the kids with a babysitter, there’s probably something else going on underneath the convenient “reason.” Doing everything with the children and not spending time alone with your spouse can be a way to try to avoid sex or to minimize romance. It’s a mistake to think this won’t hurt your marriage in the long run—because it will. 2. Show respect when you’re talking to your spouse. You may not realize you’re doing damage to your marriage when your spouse is talking to you and you sigh with exasperation and roll your eyes. Psychologist John Gottman has conducted research on what attitudes increase the chances that a marriage will end unhappily. He has found contempt is the most damaging, and he says rolling your eyes when your spouse is talking to you is a classic sign that communicates contempt. The actual words used in interactions between a couple are only part of what is being communicated. The non-verbal component is also communicating loudly. So you’re giving your partner important information about how you really feel about him (or her) when you show disrespect. Start becoming more aware of your behavior when your spouse is talking to you. You might ask your spouse if she (or he) feels disrespected during conversations and interactions with you. But don’t ask for honest feedback unless you’re prepared to receive it without getting defensive. The goal is to become more self-aware and improve your relationship with your partner. 3. Take the television out of the bedroom. You may be surprised at the research findings involving late-night TV. A survey by Italian psychologist Serenella Salomoni found that among couples over the age of fifty, those who kept TV out of the bedroom had sex an average of seven times a month compared with 1.5 times a month for couples with TV’s. The implication is that late-night TV can translate into a lot less sex for many couples. It’s easy to see how this could happen over time without a couple even stopping to think about the long-term effects on their sex life and intimacy. Watching television becomes a habit and the path of least resistance. If removing the television from your bedroom sounds too drastic, at least consider initiating a conversation with your spouse about these findings and whether your marriage might benefit from less TV watching in the evenings. 4. Make time for vacations. The Wisconsin Medical Journal reported that when 1500 women were asked how often they took a vacation, 20% said that it had been six years or more. These non-vacationers were more likely to be stressed and unhappy in their marriages. Every day life can get so bogged down with details, work, and loose ends that fun and romance can easily become buried and neglected. Remember the old saying, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” The same is certainly true of relationships—if there’s no time to play and have fun, then dullness, fatigue, and boredom often take hold. Passion and romance thrive on stimulation, building positive new memories, and the excitement that change brings. Just leaving home and seeing and doing different things can be energizing and perk up a stale relationship. The vacations don’t have to be expensive or exotic. Consider staying at a state park or camping. Explore off-season rates and advertised motel specials. Put on your creative thinking cap and see what’s possible. 5. Remember to hug your mate each day. Doctors at the University of North Carolina have found that hugging boosts blood levels of oxytocin, a relaxing hormone that is linked to trust. According to Kathleen Light, Ph.D., professor of psychiatry at UNC and one of the study’s authors, “It is safe to say that oxytocin is linked to emotional as well as physical closeness in partners....” Make it a point to initiate more hugging, and don’t be bashful about asking for what you need and want. Ask your mate to join you in some bear hugs each day or a session of snuggling on the sofa as you talk. You’ll both feel better afterwards! Note: If “hugs = sex” in your marriage, it’s time to make a change. Many wives complain their husbands only touch them—hold hands, hug, kiss, snuggle—when the husbands want sex. These wives often try to avoid physical contact with their husband because they don’t want to get him aroused. This leads to a pulling away and a lack of on-going closeness and connection. Thus, it’s important that hugging not be just a prelude to sex. 6. Celebrate days that are special to the two of you. Take the time to record the special days on your personal calendar so you won’t forget. What days should you celebrate? For starters, include the day you met your spouse, your wedding day, your partner’s birthday, your birthday, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day, and any other dates that have significant meaning or cause for celebration. Through the years, I’ve heard many spouses express hurt that their mate never buys them a gift, even for their birthday. There’s no special dinner or birthday cake—nothing. They might not receive a Valentine’s Day card or a Christmas present, either. I’m always sad to hear this, because it seems like such a loss of an opportunity to celebrate. And the message delivered to the mate is she (or he) isn’t valued and treasured. Life is short, and you can’t take your beloved partner for granted. Look for every opportunity to celebrate your love, your marriage, and the fact that you’re alive! 7. Smile More Often. A genuine smile can warm the heart and make you more attractive to your spouse. That’s because smiles are sexy as well as contagious, and the energy they produce can give you and your spouse a needed boost just when you need it the most. Smiling connects you to others so you aren’t aloof and separate. A warm smile invites your spouse to come closer, to connect with you, and to linger in your presence. You’ll feel better and so will your spouse. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. How to Sustain a Loving Marriage With nearly one in every two marriages ending in divorce, concerned spouses want to know what they can do to increase the odds of their marriage surviving. How to have a successful marriage remains one of the most popular topics for magazine articles, books, television talk shows, and discussions between friends. Most people enter marriage with many unvoiced expectations of the other partner and about what it means to be married. A wife may think that her husband doesn't love her if he doesn't remember to give her a gift on the anniversary date of when they met. A husband may feel unloved when his wife is too busy to sit by him when he’s watching his favorite television shows. In reality, these behaviors may have nothing at all to do with whether love is present in the marriage or not. As an anonymous author stated, "Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you the best way they know how." If you have definite expectations and you also happen to be a "historian," the stage is set for a lengthy listing of all of your partner's faults whenever you are upset. The current problems never get resolved because of all the "baggage" from the past that is brought into the dispute. The cataloging of past wrongs distracts you from the present issues, adds confusion, and can feel overwhelming. "One of the keys to happiness," observed Rita Mae Brown, "is a bad memory." Of course, if important issues have been buried in the relationship and never addressed, it is important to do so, and this is often best accomplished with the help of a marriage counselor. Once you begin lying or covering up, no matter how minor it is, you are hurting your relationship. It is easy to rationalize to yourself that a "little white lie" is for the other person's good, but when you stop being completely honest, you are affecting the quality of the intimacy in the marriage. Telling lies requires energy to remember what you have said, to whom, and when. Often, one lie seems to lead to another as you keep trying to cover yourself. If the truth comes out later, then trust is damaged. A story is told about a wife hitting her husband on the head with a frying pan. "What's that for?" he asks. She replies, "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it." After he responds that Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses he had bet on recently, she apologizes. Three days later when he's again sitting in his chair reading, she knocks him out cold with the frying pan. When he comes to, he asks, "What the heck was that for?" She responds, "Your horse phoned." The only way to preserve trust in marriage is to commit to being totally and completely honest at all times, even when it is difficult and uncomfortable to tell the truth. In successful marriages, spouses honor the natural rhythms and cycles of the relationship, knowing that at certain times, they will feel closer to each other, and that at other times, there will be more distance in their dance of intimacy. They experience the truth of the words by Mignon McLaughlin, "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." There is total commitment in every way to the marriage and to the other partner, and preserving the romance is a priority for both. Partners in successful, loving marriages want the best for the other partner and want to be supportive of that person's needs, dreams, and goals. They want to show their love and appreciation for the other person in as many ways as they possibly can. Even when they disagree or have substantial conflict, they want to do everything they can to protect the quality of the intimacy and the fabric of the relationship. They know that everything they say and everything they do has an important impact on the relationship. Marriage provides an opportunity for you to reach inside yourself and to locate your places of deepest wounding that need healing. Everyone has defenses, ways of shutting down or shutting others out when they feel hurt, angry, or fearful. These defenses can block your ability to experience deep intimacy with another. According to the poet Rumi, "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." As always, the road to self-growth and emotional health leads to examining your own behavior and how you need to change, instead of focusing on how your partner should change. There is no escape from doing your own inner work during the course of the marriage. To make real headway toward creating a loving marriage, focus on how you can be more loving and how you need to grow, instead of being distracted by what you perceive your partner’s faults to be. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. What You Didn’t Learn in School About Marriage While you undoubtedly learned many useful things in school, how to create a happy marital relationship probably wasn’t included. Most spouses learn about marriage through the proverbial “School of Hard Knocks.” As a student, you undergo drills to help you learn your multiplication tables, you’re tested on your mastery of geography and science, and you memorize spelling words. As you progress, you learn to write term papers and to analyze symbolism in literature. But you were probably not taught one of the most important skills you could learn: how to create, nurture, and sustain a healthy, satisfying relationship with good communication and intimacy. And, sad to say, some people never learn this skill even after multiple marriages. There are many misconceptions about marriage and the impact of two individuals saying “I do.” Much emphasis is devoted to planning the perfect wedding—more than is usually devoted to becoming the best partner possible. Often, the marriage is regarded as something that will fall into place with minimum effort after the ceremony. Which of the following ten points about marriage were you surprised to learn after you said “I do”? 1. Creating a healthy, happy marriage takes hard work.It doesn’t just happen on its own. Numerous spouses are surprised by the amount of work it takes to keep a marriage on course. Some believe that if you really love someone, the relationship shouldn’t be work, it should just flow easily. That sounds good, but in reality all meaningful relationships require an on-going investment of time, effort, energy, and commitment. 2. You don’t get to coast for very long. It seems that when things are going well, you should get to “take a break” from the relationship stuff for awhile. But if you’re not growing and evolving as individuals and as a couple, then your relationship is soon going to suffer. There’s no such thing as standing still and having everything stay the same. You’re either going forwards or you’re going backwards. 3. Saying “I do” is not the end—it’s the beginning. Some spouses feel that once they are married, they don’t have to extend as much effort into being romantic or nurturing the relationship. But a marital relationship isn’t the end of the road. It’s only the beginning of your opportunity to “grow your marriage” and create a rewarding relationship with your partner. 4. You’re not going to change your partner after you marry. No matter how many times this statement is written or verbalized, there are many individuals who still believe that their case will be different. Motivation to change is normally the highest before marriage when both partners want to please each other. After marriage, it’s easier to become comfortable and lose motivation to work on self-growth. Females are especially susceptible to this dynamic. Because they often are hooked by the potential that they see in their partner, they’re convinced that they can change him. This usually leads to a rude awakening after marriage. 5. You can’t give what you don’t already have. You have to be happy and at peace with yourself before you can create a happy, peaceful, harmonious marriage. Marriage won’t make you happy. Only you can do that. If you’re not happy with yourself and your life when you get married, nothing will change significantly afterwards. 6. Frequent emotional housekeeping is required for intimacy to thrive. It doesn’t take long for a marriage to develop serious problems when emotional debris from unresolved conflicts and issues piles up. This is why good communication is important. Couples who can’t talk about their differences and resolve conflict are at high risk for divorce. Feelings of passion, emotional intimacy, and heartfelt connection are all dependent on good communication. 7. The words you say are important, so pick them carefully. You can’t expect the spouse you called a “witch” or “fool” at 8:00 p.m. to be thrilled at the thought of sex with you at 9:00 p.m. By the words you use in your interactions with your partner, you impact how your spouse feels about you. Harsh, unkind words fuel anger, resentment, and bitterness. Kind words build rapport, respect, and caring. The words you use to yourself and others when talking about your spouse and your marriage are also important. When you devalue someone or something verbally, it affects your feelings and perceptions. Negativity spreads like a virus. 8. Just because you dislike your partner intensely at the moment doesn’t mean that you don’t love him or her. It’s normal to have mixed feelings toward your spouse at times. Sometimes your inner two-year-old will appear in your reactions—you know, the one who could stomp his feet and scream “I hate you, Mommy!” when he didn’t get his own way. There are times when spouses can’t stand each other and the feelings of closeness and connection lessen. But that doesn’t mean that the marriage is over or that the love is permanently gone. 9. Success in marriage, as in life, is an inside job. The breakthroughs happen when you take responsibility for your actions and attitudes and focus on what changes you can make to improve the relationship. It’s important to learn how to stay centered and balanced emotionally as much as possible, and that requires inner work on yourself. Learning to be more self-aware will help you better understand your part in creating the present situation. 10. There’s no end to growth. There’s always something else to experience and learn. You can always improve your relationship skills and grow more as a person. Unlike school where you eventually get a diploma if you meet the requirements, you never “graduate” from relationship school. Just when you think you’ve learned to keep your equilibrium in your relationship, something is sure to throw you off balance as if to test you. And in the areas where you resist growth, you’ll find yourself endlessly repeating unproductive patterns. Then you have a choice—to stay stuck or keep on growing. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. What Happens When a Husband Stonewalls and a Wife Criticizes Every time Faye tried to talk with her husband Ed about problems in the marriage, he refused to talk about the issues. He either changed the subject or said “Not now, Faye.” If cornered, Ed would stare at Faye with an unchanging facial expression while she talked, and then he’d walk away without saying anything. He refused to cooperate with anything she suggested to improve their communication. Ed’s attempts to obstruct Faye’s efforts and his determination to hinder or prevent discussions he didn’t want to participate in are examples of behavior called “stonewalling.” Someone who stonewalls uses delaying tactics to slow down or obstruct another person’s efforts and plans. Faye was continually frustrated by Ed’s stonewalling every time she attempted to address the marriage difficulties. As she repeatedly hit the wall of his resistance, she became more critical of Ed both in private and in public. She told him he was selfish, egotistical, and uncooperative. After awhile, she found it hard to remember his good points and focused more and more on his negative traits. The more blocked she felt in her efforts to get him to get involved in trying to improve the marriage, the more criticism she hurled his way. As a result, the marriage became unrewarding and unsatisfying for both Faye and Ed, and they lost their feeling of connection. The relationship continued to spiral downwards, fueled by negativity and resentment. Faye eventually moved out and is currently filing for divorce. Author Malcolm Gladwell writes in his best-selling book Blink about psychologist John Gottman’s research on marriage relationships. Gladwell quotes Gottman as saying, “The big gender difference with negative emotions is that women are more critical, and men are more likely to stonewall. We find that women start talking about a problem, the men get irritated and turn away, and the women get more critical, and it becomes a circle.” So it’s important to understand the circle of stonewalling and criticism and what keeps the negativity circulating in the relationship. It’s natural to experience frustration when every effort to do something helpful is blocked, but the natural reaction to become more critical just makes the situation worse. The other spouse is already resistant and uncooperative, and heaping an outpouring of criticism on his head won’t help. He will probably just dig his heels in deeper and refuse with even greater energy any attempts to make him do what he doesn’t want to do. Wives often don’t realize the damage that an over-abundance of criticism can do to a relationship. They see themselves as trying to prod the husband for his own good and the health of the marriage—worthy goals, but ones that won’t be accomplished by being critical. Criticism makes a spouse feel unappreciated, discouraged, and negative toward the marriage. Husbands, on the other hand, often don’t realize the damage they are doing to the marriage by stonewalling a wife’s attempts to improve the relationship. Hitting resistance over and over is discouraging and frustrating. It fosters resentment, anger, and bitterness, three feelings which can be toxic to a relationship. Stonewalling tactics are designed to make the other person back off and quit making their request. However, the wife may decide to not only back off from suggesting marriage improvements, she may decide to back off from the marriage emotionally. This makes it much more likely that she will start feeling disconnected and detached from her spouse and the marriage. Here are seven recommendations to help you: 1. If your spouse always stonewalls your attempts to get him to open up, give him a handwritten letter outlining your concerns and fears that you’ll eventually give up on the marriage if this continues. State that you value the marriage and want it to be top quality and satisfying for both of you, but that you need his input and help. 2. Resist the natural reaction to criticize in return. A quote by Elizabeth Harrison reminds us that “Those who are lifting the world upward and onward are those who encourage more than criticize.” Criticism dampens spirits and discourages future efforts. Notice how your spirit tends to shrivel when you are criticized and to blossom when you are offered encouragement or praise. We look forward to spending time with people who are appreciative of our efforts, and we tend to avoid people who are critical of us. 3. Pull back on criticism and instead look for your spouse’s positive traits and actions. Show appreciation for what he is doing that’s good and helpful. Pay attention and watch for behavior that you can honestly and wholeheartedly praise, no matter how minor it appears. When problems develop in a marriage, often the fun and laughter quickly disappear, and with them goes the satisfying feeling of connection. Work on restoring a sense of fun and appreciation of each other and don’t dwell on the problem areas right now. There’s more than one way to accomplish a goal, and in some situations the indirect way leads to greater success than the direct approach. 4. Once the emotional climate in your relationship has improved and you have built up your goodwill account in the relationship bank, then you’re in a better position to gently and respectfully ask him for his help in looking at ways to help you both keep that loving feeling more of the time. 5. If all else fails, you can ask him if he’ll do you the favor of going to counseling with you so he can share what he has observed about your behavior. That way, the therapist will know better how to help you become less critical. Don’t mention his stonewalling behavior or the fact that he needs to change, also. Keep the focus on yourself and how you want to change. This tactic might enable you to get him inside the counseling office where the possibility increases that he could become involved in the counseling process indirectly. 6. If you are a spouse who uses stonewalling tactics and you’ve recognized yourself in this article, it’s time to look closely at how this behavior is endangering your marriage. It’s also time to take a close look at your relationship goals for the present and future. Do you want a loving marriage that is satisfying to you and your spouse for years to come? And is your behavior helping you to accomplish your goals? 7. If you decide you want to change your behavior, you’ll make faster progress with the help of a marriage counselor. The counselor will be in a better position to assist your wife in becoming less critical, too. Spouses often seem to “hear” each other better in a counselor’s office, and it helps to have objective feedback from a neutral third party. After all, why struggle on your own if a trained professional can use his or her experience to guide you through the constructive changes you need to make? It just makes good sense to use all of your available resources, especially when something as important as your marriage is involved. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. The Secret of How to Change Your Marriage Do you hope every day that your spouse will change in some way? That he (or she) will finally “see the light” and recognize the “error of his ways”? There’s nothing wrong with wanting a spouse to change as long as you don’t stop there. If you don’t take the next step, at some point you’ll start to feel helplessly dependent on your spouse’s choices and will be in danger of adopting a victim mentality. Many spouses don’t know the secret of how to change a marital relationship into something different than it is currently. The temptation is to view change as rooted in the other person or “out there” somewhere outside of your control. But, in reality, the ability to create change lies within you. You may have heard the saying, “Change is an inside job.” It’s true. And when you change yourself, then your relationship with your spouse, family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and acquaintances will also change. This past week, I received an email from a woman I’ll call “Annie.” Annie was writing to tell me how much help she had received from the Keep Your Marriage book and bonus materials. I could tell from reading Annie’s email that she really understood the impact that making personal changes can have on a marriage. Annie has granted her permission for me to share her email with you in hopes that it will provide help and inspiration. Here is an excerpt from her email: “My husband moved out saying he was ‘unhappy’ but would say no more. I have spent the past few months in hell, but your advice gave me something to work on. I have now changed myself, my friends have noticed a big difference in me, and on New Year’s Eve, my husband, unprompted, told me he loved me. “His leaving was a huge wakeup call for me, and although we still have things to work through, the important thing is that we are together. I will continue to eliminate those 21 marriage busters (I cringed when I realized I was guilty of every single one) and I have every hope that we will be celebrating many more wedding anniversaries. Thank you again, and keep the daily email tips coming—they serve as a reminder that one can never take anything for granted, that love is precious and should be cherished, and that the key to changing your life lies not out there but within.” Annie “gets it” that the secret to changing your marriage and your life lies within yourself. She made changes in herself that eventually made a difference in her marriage. In a follow-up email, Annie writes: “...the important thing is to keep trying and don’t give in...I’m also now a great believer in time...often the effects of the words I said to my husband weren’t immediate, but given a little time they would sink in and they worked. Before I was the kind of person to demand answers and refuse to accept ‘I don’t know’ as valid. I would pick and chisel away until I thought I had the answer I wanted. I was chiseling away my marriage. “There are still improvement to be made, but I have come to believe in this day and age we see films, advertising, etc. and are made to believe we should have this ideal of a marriage, and if it’s not like that then there is something wrong. They fail to mention that happy marriages take effort and work, that love isn’t always automatic but is an affirmation that should be made every day. “I’d also like to add, before I go, that your advice has helped in other relationships too—with family and friends. I’ve become a much nicer person and a happier one too. It’s so true that you change the world about you by changing yourself. “If I hadn’t taken your advice I could be facing a divorce right now—instead I’m starting the New Year with a loving husband and a happy life—thank you again.” Annie deserves the credit and kudos for putting consistent, hard work into working on herself. Many spouses read words of advice suggesting changes they can make, but they never implement the changes. Annie resisted the temptation to blame her husband or sit back passively waiting for him to change. Instead, she chose to focus on putting energy and effort into improving herself and making needed changes. By doing so, she created a win-win situation for herself and for her marriage. Now that you know Annie’s “secret” to changing her marriage, what are you going to do with this knowledge? If your marriage is going to be substantially different at the end of this calendar year, it’s time to get moving. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Why Always Having to Be Right Can Poison Your Marriage When a spouse feels that he or she always has to be right, you can bet that there’s trouble ahead for the marriage. It doesn’t take a fortune teller with a crystal ball to predict the future when a spouse is determined to win every argument or disagreement at any cost. Always having to be right is damaging to relationships because it interferes with healthy communication, shared decision-making, and satisfying intimacy. It is destructive to the self-esteem and self-confidence of the other partner, as well as preventing equality in the relationship. There is a much-quoted question that asks, “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?” The implication is that you cannot be focused on being right and also have happy relationships with others. Having to be right alienates the other person. And there’s certainly truth in Jules Renard’s advice that “If you are afraid of being lonely, don’t try to be right.” Good communication is dependent on both partners feeling safe to express their individual viewpoints without being criticized or put down. If one spouse belittles the other one, or shows disrespect for his or her opinions, meaningful communication will not be possible. Good communication involves the ability to listen to someone without interrupting them or telling them they are wrong. When spouses have good communication skills, they can listen to each other and show respect for the viewpoints expressed, even when they strongly disagree. According to Epictetus, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” By listening intently and having a sense of curiosity, you can remain open to your partner while continuing to learn more about him (or her). But first you have to realize that you do not have all the right answers to everything. No one does. According to Lord David Cecil, “The first step to knowledge is to know that we are ignorant.” It is arrogant for a spouse to think that his (or her) opinions are always the right ones. It is arrogant to think that there is no value in listening to others and opening up to new viewpoints and approaches. It is arrogant to put others down because they differ in how they think. You are showing others your own limitations and insecurities if you demand that they admit you are right and they are wrong. “When you judge others, you do not define them; you define yourself,” observed Earl Nightingale. One of the marks of intelligence is to know what you do not know and to realize that there is always more to be learned. One of the marks of emotional maturity is to be able to admit when you are wrong, don’t have all the answers, or need to apologize. It has been said that the five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are, “I apologize,” and “You are right.” Deep, true intimacy cannot develop when you are focused on winning each argument and proving your spouse wrong. If there are healthy relationship boundaries, both individuals can feel safe to express their real feelings and thoughts. It’s certainly possible to disagree without being disagreeable and without requiring that the other person admit you are right. By using good communication skills, you can increase your understanding of why your partner feels as he or she does. By demonstrating respect for your spouse’s viewpoints, you deepen the intimacy in the relationship. By letting go of your need to always be right or “win,” you greatly increase your chances of creating and sustaining a happy, satisfying marriage. The following quotation by an unknown author captures the importance of tolerance in a relationship: “The most lovable quality any human being can possess is tolerance. It is the vision that enables one to see things from another’s viewpoint. It is the generosity that concedes to others the right to their own peculiarities. It is the bigness that enables us to let people be happy in their own way.” The spouse who can give heartfelt respect and tolerance to his or her partner is creating a win-win marital relationship where love can grow safely and freely. If you want to be happy, release the struggle and tension over who’s right and focus on what’s most important—deepening the feelings of connection and intimacy in your marriage. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. What Is the Number One Attitude That Indicates Your Marriage Is In Trouble? Did you know that a trained observer could watch you and your spouse interact for several minutes and then predict with high accuracy whether your marriage will survive or not? Does that sound unbelievable? In his bestselling book Blink, author Malcolm Gladwell writes about psychologist John Gottman’s research on what attitudes increase the chances that a marriage will end in divorce. Since the 1980’s, Gottman has videotaped more than three thousand married couples in his “love lab” near the University of Washington campus. The results of each videotape have been analyzed according to a specific complex coding system that categorizes the emotions present in the interaction plus information from electrodes and sensors. Based on his calculations, if he analyzes an hour of a husband and wife talking, Gottman can predict with 95% accuracy whether the couple will still be married fifteen years later. If Gottman watches a couple for fifteen minutes, he still has a success rate of 90 percent. A colleague of Gottman’s, Sybil Carrere, discovered that if they looked at only three minutes of a couple talking, it was still possible to predict with fairly impressive accuracy which marriages were going to make it and which would end in divorce. Gottman finds out much of what he needs to know by focusing on what he calls the “Four Horsemen: defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and contempt.” Out of those four negatives, Gottman considers contempt the most important emotion of all. Gladwell writes, “If Gottman observes one of both partners in a marriage showing contempt toward the other, he considers it the most important sign that a marriage is in trouble.” According to Gladwell, Gottman can eavesdrop on a couple in a restaurant and “get a pretty good sense of whether they need to start thinking about hiring lawyers and dividing up custody of the children.” Why is contempt so damaging in a marriage? How can this one emotion cause so much damage? Contempt is different from criticism because it involves looking down on the other person and feeling superior to him (or her). If you have contempt for your spouse, you are feeling scorn or disdain toward him. You feel disgust, sickening dislike, deep aversion, repugnance, and repulsion. You feel that he (or she) is beneath you and that he doesn’t deserve respect. Gottman even found that the presence of contempt in a marriage can predict how many colds a spouse will get because “having someone you love express contempt toward you is so stressful that it begins to affect the functioning of your immune system.” And there isn’t any gender difference when it comes to contempt, according to Gottman’s research findings. In light of this information, how do you think your interactions with your spouse would be viewed? Are you thinking that you’re off the hook because you haven’t said things like “You’re so stupid” to your partner? Gottman has found that rolling your eyes when your spouse is talking to you is a classic sign that communicates contempt. So is assuming a patronizing, lecturing voice. The actual words used are only part of what is being communicated. The non-verbal component is also communicating loudly. One of Gottman’s findings is that “for a marriage to survive, the ratio of positive to negative emotion in a given encounter has to be at least five to one.” When he tracks the level of a couple’s positive and negative emotions, he has found that “once they start going down, toward negative emotion, ninety-four percent will continue going down.” So what can you do if you recognize yourself or your spouse in this article? If you recognize yourself, know that self-awareness of a behavior is the starting place for change. You can’t change what you’re not aware of. So you have taken the first positive step by looking closely at your own behavior and starting to become more aware of the damaging effect it is having on your marital relationship. Next, you can share this article with your spouse and ask if he or she would be willing to go to marriage counseling so that you can get the help and support you need to make the necessary changes. If your spouse refuses, then start individual counseling for yourself. If your spouse is the one expressing contempt for you, write a handwritten letter stating how much you value your marriage and want it to be the best possible. Ask him (or her) to please read this article because you don’t want to lose your loving feelings for him or for your marriage to end in divorce. State that you would like to look at your part in things and how you might need to change and grow, and that you know this would be easier with the help of a marriage counselor. Take responsibility for your part in the relationship and show your willingness to look at your own behavior. Keep the focus on making positive changes that will help your marriage be more satisfying to both of you. Avoid blame and accusations. It will be easier to address sensitive issues in the counselor’s office where you increase the odds that your spouse will be more receptive to what you have to say. If contempt is present in your marriage, it’s important to take immediate action to stop the accelerating downhill slide of negative emotions. Without intervention, your marriage may be on a crash course to divorce, and there’s no time to waste. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Ten Road Blocks to Satisfying Marital Communication Over time, communication in a marriage can become blocked and unsatisfactory. Stress, work, children, and a constant time crunch can limit the time and energy you and your spouse have available to focus on maintaining good communication. Throw in any other factors such as aging parents, depression, illness, or financial troubles and the challenge of maintaining healthy communication becomes even more difficult. Of course, it’s important to be creative and look for more ways to cut back where you can and schedule more time in your marriage for communication. Ideally, you want to have some time each day when you and your spouse can touch base and share with each other. If that’s not possible, then you certainly want to make it a top priority each week to find a time for relaxed, emotionally intimate conversation. Without good communication, you and your spouse are in danger of losing your heart connection. As your time to talk, share, and communicate from the heart with your partner is negatively impacted by life events, it’s crucial that communication blocks be kept to a minimum. You need to get the most from the limited time that you do have. The following list gives you guaranteed road blocks to healthy, satisfying communication in your marriage: 1. Rolling your eyes while your spouse is talking This behavior isn’t funny when kids do it, and it’s certainly not going to get you any good will brownie points with your mate. It denotes disrespect for your partner and discounts the importance of what he (or she) is saying. Solution: Try to understand the true meaning behind your spouse's words. Make an effort to understand if there's an angle or an aspect of your spouse's position that you can agree with. 2. Responding, “Do we have to talk about that again?” This response, designed to avoid an unwanted conversation, may accomplish your short-range goal of getting out of talking at the moment. But whatever issue is unsettled won’t disappear. It will just go underground until it surfaces later in a bigger, more harmful way. Solution: It's always better to resolve issues early before they grow in size. It's like weeding a garden. Weeding early and often keeps your relationship garden in good shape. 3. Yawning and looking bored This behavior denotes a lack of respect for your spouse and her (or his) feelings. It may come back to haunt you in the bedroom where passion is kept alive by satisfying emotional intimacy (which is dependent on good communication). Solution: Showing respect for your spouse's concerns wins good will credit for you. Pay attention and you'll be rewarded later. What goes around comes around. 4. Repeatedly looking at your watch Do you really want your spouse to think that it’s not important to you to take time for his (or her) concerns? If you really don’t have time right then, tell your spouse that you are feeling distracted currently because you don’t have much time. Then set another time to talk as soon as possible. Solution: Your goal is to continuously win the goodwill of your partner. One way to do that is to invest time into the relationship. 5. Continuing to watch television or play a computer game This is another way to communicate disrespect and lack of concern for your spouse. At the end of your life, do you really think you’ll look back and wish you’d watched more TV or played more computer games? Not likely. But it is very likely that you’ll wish you had put more time and effort into your marriage. Solution: Schedule time to talk with your spouse when there are no distractions. It's all about knowing what your priorities are and consciously deciding that your marriage is worth the effort. 6. Replying “Nothing” when asked what’s on your mind This is a cop-out that leaves your partner stone-walled. Communication is a two-way street and is an indicator of the health and well-being of the marriage. If you opt-out, you automatically lose. Solution: Meaningful talk requires honesty and vulnerability, which in turn require courage. That's a tall order, but it's the only way to create deep emotional intimacy. 7. Refusing to interact when your spouse is trying to talk to you This can be a control issue that lets your spouse know that no one’s going to make you talk when you don’t want to. You may keep the control but lose your marriage one day. Solution: Marital success requires humility. It means that it's more important to you to be happy than to be in control all the time. 8. Changing the subject abruptly This tactic is designed to block the other person in his or her efforts to share. It denotes a lack of respect and consideration for your mate’s feelings and is just plain rude. Solution: Remembering to have good manners with your spouse goes a long way in maintaining marital harmony. Try to respect your mate, even when you disagree. 9. Turning and walking away while your spouse is talking Ditto number eight above. It’s like thumbing your nose at your spouse. You may win right now, but I’m betting that you’ll lose in some other important ways in your relationship. Solution: Sometimes walking away can be a defense reaction. It is based on fear - fear of confrontation, fear of rejection, fear of anger, or some other variation. Instead, face your fear. That is the definition of courage. 10. Coming up with perpetual excuses to postpone the conversation This behavior often reflects a basic approach to life—trying to avoid direct confrontation and escape what is perceived as an unpleasant situation. It’s the opposite of creative problem-solving to improve a relationship. Your wake-up call may not come until your spouse is headed out the door one day. Is that what you really want? Solution: Think of the big picture. What kind of marriage do you want and how are you going to achieve it? What will happen if you don't think about it? Be honest with yourself and take responsibility for your part of the marriage. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Five Myths That Can Hurt Your Marriage Many people have grown up with misconceptions of what it takes to make a marriage work. The following five incorrect beliefs can damage your marriage. Myth 1: Your spouse should automatically know what you need and want. This is a prevalent myth among many spouses who believe that if a partner really loves them, the partner should instinctively and intuitively know what their needs and wants are. And, of course, that the partner should take immediate action to satisfy them. Hurt feelings and anger accumulates when the partner doesn’t figure out without being told what is expected of him (of her). The following series of boxes give examples of myths in a marriage. Traci was really tired when she finally got home late from a long day in the office. She was looking forward to spending some time with her husband Alex to get some sympathy, cuddling, and nurturing—and perhaps a back rub or a foot massage to help her sleep better. Alex, on the other hand, was clueless about Traci’s expectations and after greeting her, went back to watching a football game on TV. Alex didn’t realize there was a problem. He thought that he was being helpful by giving Traci time and space to wind down after a long day. Traci found herself fuming as the rest of the evening progressed but she didn’t say anything because she didn’t want Alex to spend time with her if he didn’t really want to. In her mind, whatever efforts he might make to nurture her wouldn’t count if he didn’t think of it himself. Healthier Approach: Share your needs and wants directly with your spouse. Don’t make her (or him) second guess you or try to read your mind. Practice speaking up and saying “I’ve had a grueling day and really need a back rub. Could you give me one?” Myth 2: If your spouse would change his (or her) behavior, you’d be happy and you could have a happy marriage. This premise of this myth is that a spouse has to change before the partner can be happy and enjoy a happy marriage. It sounds simple enough. When the other person gets it together to become healthier and to change, then the marriage will improve by leaps and bounds. In the meantime, the partner can only wait and hope that one day the spouse will “see the light.” This, of course, puts the partner in the role of helpless victim whose very happiness depends on what the spouse decides to do. His (or her) present and future happiness is in the hands of the spouse. Buying into this myth lets the partner off the hot seat so that he (or she) doesn’t have to actually do anything except blame the spouse and wait to see if she changes. It’s a passive role that lets the partner sit back and avoid the challenge of working on himself (or herself). Alex was getting irritated with Traci coming home late every evening from work. She said that she had to get a big project done, but Alex couldn’t help thinking that she could leave earlier if she really wanted to. They used to meet at the gym after work to work out together, but now Alex found himself working out alone with increasing anger. He started blaming Traci for his unhappiness and for the stress her overtime at work was putting on the marriage. “If she would just come home on time, we could be happy again,” he thought. Healthier Approach: Make a commitment to being happy whether or not your spouse ever changes. After all, you can’t give what you don’t have inside, so if you’re not happy yourself, you can’t create a happy marriage. Work on changing yourself to be the kind of partner you wish you had. Myth 3: You should always put your spouse’s needs first to be a good partner. The word “should” is often a red flag that indicates problems ahead. Who said that you “should” always put your partner’s needs first? Someone who told you that you’d be considered selfish if you didn’t? Someone who wanted you to feel guilty if you didn’t accept their viewpoint? In reality, it’s not healthy to always put other people’s needs before your own—no matter who the other person is. Doing so indicates a lack of respect for yourself, your time, your needs, and your goals. You can value your own needs without being selfish or overbearing. Many times spouses can find a creative way to meet the needs of both of them if they spend some time brainstorming and problem-solving. But that won’t happen if one spouse automatically devalues her (or his) needs and goes along with whatever the partner proposes. Traci always let Alex play golf with his friends on Saturdays while she stayed with their one-year-old daughter. Even though there were things she'd been wanting to do for months in what little free time she had, she always thought she was doing the right thing to suppress her own needs in favor of letting Alex enjoy himself. Finally, after months of denying herself, she finally had enough. She blew up at Alex at a seemingly insignificant provocation. She accused him of being selfish in always playing golf while she stayed at home. Alex was baffled. Traci had never hinted that there was a problem. Healthier Approach: Show respect for yourself by valuing yourself and your needs and preferences. Become more aware of when you treat your partner’s needs as more important than your own. Marriage is about compromise and both people getting their needs met at least part of the time. If you don’t value yourself, others won’t, either. Myth 4: Your spouse should always contribute 50% to the marriage. It sounds good in theory, but in reality marriage hardly ever turns out to be as neatly divided as this myth implies. Over time, there should be some balance of sorts, but the effort and time expended by each partner may never be completely equal. There are many times when one spouse or the other carries most of the load or makes most of the effort in a marriage. Perhaps one spouse works out of town during the week or is clinically depressed. A spouse may be chronically ill, in physical pain, or busy pursuing a college degree. Or one spouse may handle the majority of the child care. In these cases, the spouse who is keeping the marriage going may be contributing 80% to the marriage while the partner weighs in at only 20%. In time, the balance may shift in other ways to even out the load more, or the partners may exchange places. Instead of trying to keep everything equal on a daily basis, look at the overview and focus on the bigger picture. Traci felt guilty when she decided to take college classes two nights a week after work. She knew that this meant Alex had to carry a heavier load of chores, housework, and errands while she studied and attended classes. While Alex was supportive and didn’t complain, Traci knew that he was giving more of himself to keep the marriage going than she was. Five years later, Alex decided he wanted to change jobs and accept a more challenging, better-paying position that required him to travel during the week. All of a sudden, Traci found herself giving much more time and energy than Alex to keeping the marital relationship going. She remembered Alex’s support of her when she was pursuing her college degree and was glad to be able to give to him in return. Healthier Approach: Think in terms of giving a 100% effort to your marriage when needed. If both you and your spouse are each giving 100%, then you’ll be in a positive place to handle the extra stress that problems and unforeseen challenges can bring. Myth 5: Your goal is to have a peaceful marriage with as few disagreements as possible. Over the years, I have heard many couples brag that they never fight and hardly ever argue. When this happens, I know that most likely one spouse or the other has been trying to keep accumulated anger, frustration, and resentment in an emotional “closet” with the door shut. This only works for so long and then the closet door bursts open and all the heightened emotions spill out to contaminate the marital relationship. The goal is not to have a marriage with no arguments or disagreements. The goal is to find a way to disagree without being disagreeable or disrespectful to each other. When anger and resentments are buried in a relationship, the passion is also snuffed out in the emotional debris. Some lukewarm marriages could benefit from more open disagreements, heated arguments, and strongly stated viewpoints and opinions. At least then the partners would be both engaged in the relationship instead of letting it silently die off. Alex had been brought up in a family that avoided confrontations. He decided early on in his marriage to Traci that he didn’t want a marriage filled with conflict and arguments. When Traci felt strongly about something, Alex would generally just go along with her to keep the peace, even if he didn’t really want to. He hesitated to rock the boat by disagreeing and almost always hid his true feelings from Traci. Their friends all remarked about how well Alex and Traci always got along, and Alex and Traci enjoyed telling others that they never argued or disagreed. The marriage was calm and peaceful, but the passion gradually faded away and left a feeling of blandness and emptiness behind. Healthier Approach: Make a commitment to express your real opinions, needs, and preferences to your spouse. If you are afraid of your spouse’s anger, schedule a counseling session to discuss your concerns with a therapist present to mediate. You may need to develop a set of “fair fighting rules” with the help of the counselor in order to feel safe in speaking up at home. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Is There A Martyr In Your Marriage? Does the following scenario sound familiar? Your spouse asks you if you’d mind staying with the kids while he plays golf with a friend on Saturday. You had been looking forward to having several hours to go shopping by yourself that day, but without even hesitating, you reply “Sure, that’s fine. I can go shopping another day. Go ahead and make your plans.” Then, on Saturday while your spouse is gone, you find yourself fuming and upset that you didn’t try to work out a compromise so that you could have some time for your needs, too. Once again, you kick yourself for always putting your needs last and then resenting it. You feel unappreciated, unimportant, and taken for granted. When your husband comes home, your bad mood lasts for hours. If that scenario doesn’t ring a bell, how about this one? Some friends are coming over for dinner on Friday night. You know your spouse has a hectic schedule that day, so you offer to come home early from work and take over the food preparation. She turns down your offer, stating that everything’s under control and she’ll handle the cooking. When you get home at your regular time, you find your wife stressed out and stewing silently. You offer to help, but she mutters between clenched teeth, “No, I’ve done this much by myself, so I might as well finish. If I want something done right, I have to do it myself. It always works out this way—everybody else just breezes in when it’s time to eat and I do all the work.” The two examples given above illustrate a group of behaviors known collectively as the Martyr Syndrome. Individuals with Martyr Syndrome routinely sacrifice their needs and wants for those of others. But then they complain, feel taken advantage of, and remind everyone of how much they have sacrificed. They have a strong desire to be praised and needed, and what others offer in those two areas is seldom enough. Their need for sympathy and recognition of their sacrifice is unhealthy and alienates others. A typical Martyr Syndrome remark is, “After all I’ve done for you, this is the thanks I get.” Or “I’ve never asked for anything for myself. I’ve always put your needs first.” Another one is, “You take the best piece of toast. It doesn’t matter to me if I have the burnt piece.” The implication is, of course, that the other person’s needs are important, and the martyr’s needs are not. On the surface, the self-sacrificing martyr sounds sincere when he or she encourages you to go ahead with your plans and not to worry about anything. But if you fall for this, you’ll regret it later when the martyr’s real feelings emerge with the resulting anger, resentment, bitterness, and negativity. It’s what I call “crazy-making behavior” because it’s so convoluted and aggravating for those dealing with the martyr. If you are the martyr, work to become more self-aware. Pay close attention to when you engage in this destructive behavior. Beginning to recognize and see your own behavior in a new light is the first step toward change. You won’t always be able to head off the martyr role completely, but you can begin to nip it in the bud faster with practice and determination. When you catch yourself starting to give a response that puts you in the role of a martyr, stop yourself and say, “That’s not what I want to say. Let me start over again. Can we try to find a way that allows you to still see your friend and play golf and also lets me have some time to check out the sales at the mall? Let’s be creative and come up with a win-win solution.” If you don’t realize what you’ve done until some hours or days later, then let your spouse know that you need to talk. You could say something like, “I really thought I’d be okay with you going to play golf all day Saturday, but the more I think about it, the more resentful that I’m feeling. So I wanted to give you an update of where I am with things. Can we brainstorm about possible solutions?” If your spouse is the self-sacrificing martyr in your household, things get trickier because you can’t make someone else change. You can gently point out the behavior and how confusing it is to be told that everything’s okay, only to find out later that your spouse is really angry and resentful. One technique that works for some spouses is to bring up the subject again later, asking if the partner has had any second thoughts about anything since the original discussion. This, accompanied by a statement of how important it is to be sure the needs of both spouses are met, can sometimes help the partner to be more direct and open in stating needs and wants. Of course, the assistance of a marriage counselor can be invaluable in helping spouses change their unhelpful patterns of communication and behavior. The goal is for the marriage to be as satisfying as possible to both partners and for communication and expression of feelings to be direct and clear. There’s no place for repeated Martyr Syndrome behavior in a healthy marriage. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Why Avoiding Conflict Can Kill Sexual Desire Do you think you’re being a “good” spouse if you stifle your irritation or negative feelings in order to keep the peace in your marriage? And would you be surprised to learn that avoiding conflict can cause you to lose your sexual desire for your mate? Many times, lack of fights, disagreements, arguments, and dissention is strongly connected to lack of passion and desire. I’m certainly not advocating open war with “no holds barred” because that kills passion and desire, also. But the absence of heated arguments is often correlated to the absence of strong sexual feelings. Over the years, I have worked in counseling with numerous spouses who have prided themselves on having a calm marriage with few rifts. Usually by the time they came to see me, it was because the marriage felt empty and without passion. The spouses cared about each other but there was no spark of sexual desire. The spouses felt like siblings or best friends but not lovers. Their relationship was polite, placid, easygoing, routine, and predictably lifeless. Why does the avoidance of conflict negatively impact sexual desire in a relationship? It would seem that always getting along well would mean better sex, but that’s not the case at all. That’s because the “always getting along well” is just on the surface in many cases. When a couple never has heated arguments or disagreements, it usually means that one or the other is burying their real feelings. At least one spouse, and maybe both, is giving in to the other one, either to keep the peace or because it’s easier than resisting. Usually, one partner routinely gives in to the other the majority of the time in cases like this. That means that the spouse who is committed to keeping the peace at all costs is not fully expressing his (or her) unique individuality. Something is missing—the butting of heads that occurs when two independent strong-willed people live together and have to compromise and reach agreement about things that they disagree on. When a spouse stuffs her (or his) angry, negative feelings in a closet and shuts the door, she may think she has handled things in a helpful way. She has preserved the peace and made marital life smoother for the time being. At the time, she may tell herself that her negative feelings don’t matter and that she has done the “right” thing by avoiding conflict. She has been a “good wife.” But the anger and negative feelings keep growing larger in the dark closet where they have been stuffed away. Eventually, as more anger and negative feelings are put in the closet, they may push open the door and flood out—most likely in an inappropriate way and at an inappropriate time. It may be something small that is the trigger for the emotional outburst where everything tumbles out into the daylight for all to see. It doesn’t take a lot of big incidents for this to happen—just a bit here and there over time—feelings that are never expressed or dealt with so that the person could be a “good spouse.” By the time the feelings are finally expressed, resentment and anger have accumulated and have already damaged the emotional intimacy in the relationship. The build up of emotional debris from unresolved issues can smother the flames of passion. And anger growing underground can suck the air and life out of a relationship. When a spouse tries to stifle her (or his) angry feelings, the vital life force energy and passion is also stifled. It’s not possible to bury negative feelings without also affecting the positive ones. Everything is connected. If anger and resentment are buried, the capacity of the individual to experience desire and passion is also affected. This includes desire and passion for the partner and for life in general. One of the tip-offs is the word “should”: “I should be a ‘good wife’ and not disagree,” “I should be a ‘good husband’ and not rock the boat too much,” or “I should always try to keep the peace and avoid causing arguments.” When you find yourself trying to make yourself do something because you “should,” there are probably some other opposing feelings that need to be examined and expressed in an appropriate way. The key is to express feelings at the time they first emerge but to do it in an appropriate way that allows you and your spouse to deal with them and resolve them. Then you’ll avoid the build up of anger and resentment that can sabotage your sexual relationship and kill your sexual desire. You’ll also avoid the depression that comes from routinely stifling your feelings and preferences as well as the unplanned explosions that can result later on. The road to great sex starts with satisfying emotional intimacy, and it’s maintained by expressing feelings appropriately and keeping the channels of communication as clear and debris-free as possible. For that to be possible, feelings have to be acknowledged and dealt with, not buried. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Is Your Mate's Passive-Aggressive Behavior Driving You Crazy? Kayla’s husband Jon is an expert at getting out of things he doesn’t want to do. He “forgets” to stop by the store on the way home from work when he doesn’t want to be bothered. If he doesn’t want to help Kayla with the house cleaning, he does such a poor job that she ends up redoing his part. Outwardly, Jon is agreeable and compliant. When Kayla asks him to do something, he’ll generally say “okay” or nod in agreement. Kayla has been let down so many times now that she’ll generally grill Jon on whether he will really remember to pick up the milk on the way home or drop off the cleaning. Each time he promises to remember, and sometimes he actually does follow through. But much of the time he never has any intention of doing what he doesn’t want to be inconvenienced by. He has found that it’s easier to say “yes” when asked and then offer an excuse. Jon has become an expert at sabotaging Kayla’s efforts to get him to take on more responsibility with the kids and housework. He has “taught” her that he can’t be depended on and that if she wants to be sure something is done right, she’ll have to do it. Kayla has begun thinking that she doesn’t really have two children, but instead that she really has three, counting her spouse. Behavior that was age-appropriate when Jon was five and deliberately “forgetting” to put his toys away after being asked isn’t appropriate or helpful now as an adult. In fact, a pattern of passive-aggressive behavior can destroy intimacy and happiness in a marriage. Hidden Anger and Manipulation Create “Crazy-Making Behavior” Individuals with passive-aggressive behavior express their anger and hostility through indirect, passive actions. Instead of saying “I don’t think it’s fair that you expect me to clean the bathroom,” he ( or she) doesn’t protest—he just never gets around to doing it. Then, when the mate eventually explodes after numerous frustrating experiences, the passive-aggressive partner just looks at the mate calmly, making her feel like the crazy one. He always has rationalizations and excuses ready and never takes responsibility or admits he’s at fault in any way. He always blames someone or something else. He can be so convincing that sometimes the partner will find herself apologizing for getting so upset with him. Thus, the manipulation comes full circle and now the spouse still has the original problem on her shoulders—not enough help from her husband. He has “won” because he knows that he can get off the hook again whenever he needs to. Sarcasm and Sabotage Can Also Be Indicators The passive-aggressive spouse knows the weak spots of his partner and is often practiced in using sarcastic and cruel remarks under the guise of “humor.” He’ll say that the mate is too serious or doesn’t have a sense of humor if she objects, but the “humor” is barbed with hostility and criticism—another indirect way of getting back at a partner instead of expressing feelings directly and looking for solutions. Many wives have had their diets sabotaged by a passive-aggressive husband who suddenly started bringing home candy or encouraging the wife to have dessert “just this one time.” Fear of the spouse becoming too attractive and being noticed by other men is generally at the root of this type of passive-aggressive behavior. On the surface, the husband may sound supportive, but he is really working to sabotage the wife’s efforts to improve her looks and wellbeing. He is threatened by it and doesn’t want her to succeed. What Can You Do? Since the goal of passive-aggressive individuals is to resist demands from others, frustration and anger follows them wherever they go—especially in a marriage relationship. They are often critical, negative, “forgetful,” sullen, resentful, and complaining. In addition, they are procrastinators and their performance on tasks they don’t want to do is substandard. The following recommendations provide a starting place for a frustrated partner: 1. When your spouse makes a snide remark or uses sarcasm or barbed humor, calmly tell him that you don’t find that way of communicating feelings acceptable. Stop what you’re doing and sit down with him. State that he must be having some strong feelings to have made a remark like that and you’d rather he just come right out and tell you what he’s feeling. Whatever you do, don’t ignore the barbs or pretend you didn’t hear them when you did. Confront him with what he’s doing but without being drawn into an argument or becoming sidetracked by the excuses. 2. Know that when your intuition or “gut feeling” is that you’re being manipulated or taken advantage of by the excuses and rationalizations or lack of response, you probably are right. Trust your intuition about this. It will help you to resist falling into the trap of taking on blame that’s not yours and thinking that it’s “all you.” 3. When your spouse uses passive-aggressive behavior, state what you see happening and how confusing that is for you. Tell him that it’s harming your marriage relationship for him not to be direct with you. Say that what he is doing is dishonest and manipulative and that you see through it, and if he values the marriage, he’ll make an effort to change. 4. This is one time to take a tough stand on the necessity for marriage counseling. There are many issues that the two of you need to work on, including communication and anger. 5. If your spouse absolutely refuses to go to counseling, then make an appointment for yourself. Individual counseling can give you the resources and strength to confront your spouse’s passive-aggressive behavior and pave the way for more direct communication. 6. Remind yourself that you didn’t cause the passive-aggressive behavior. It’s not your fault. This pattern was in place before you married. If your husband exhibits this behavior with you, you can bet that you’re not the only one who sees this side of him. You can suggest counseling, but in the final analysis, it’s your husband’s problem. 7. The decisions you have to make are how to respond to the passive-aggressive behavior and what to do if your husband refuses to change or seek help. The counselor you are working with can help you to handle these hurdles and to decide if a marital separation might be an appropriate way to get your husband’s full attention if nothing else works. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. What is Forgiveness and Why Should You Care? (Part 1) Webster’s New World Dictionary definition of the word forgive is “to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; stop being angry with; pardon.” Most spouses, at some time or another, struggle with the issue of forgiveness as incidents happen in the marriage. There are very legitimate reasons for feeling hurt and wronged, such as a partner who is disrespectful, inconsiderate, unsupportive, or unfaithful. But if you remain stuck in resentment, anger, bitterness, or vengeance, you will be unable to move on with your life in a healthy way. Holding grudges and hanging on to negative feelings reduces your capacity to enjoy life and to have maximum energy in the present moment. Lewis B. Smedes, in The Art of Forgiving, makes the following points about what forgiveness is and what it is not: Forgiving does not mean that we excuse the person who did it. Forgiving does not mean that we invite someone who hurt us once to hurt us again. Forgiving someone who did us wrong does not mean that we tolerate the wrong he or she did. Forgiveness is not about reunion. Being reconciled to another person as a human being and embracing him/her as a best friend are two different things. Forgiveness happens inside the person who does it. So when should you forgive? “We forgive,” shares Smedes, “when we feel a strong wish to be free from the pain that glues us to a bruised moment of the past. We forgive when we want to overcome the resentment that separates us from the person who wounded us. We forgive when we feel God’s Spirit nudging us with an impulse to pull ourselves out of the sludge of our disabling resentment. We forgive when we are ready to move toward a future unshackled from a painful past we cannot undo.” When you hang on to the desire to hurt someone else, you are only hurting yourself. In The Heart of the Enlightened, Anthony de Mello states: “It is impossible to help another without helping yourself, or to harm another without harming yourself.” He illustrates this by a story about Nasruddin, who was muttering to himself delightedly when his friend asked him what it was all about. Said Nasruddin, “That idiot Ahmed keeps slapping me on the back each time he sees me. Well, I’ve put a stick of dynamite under my coat today, so this time when he slaps me he’ll blow his arm off!” Practice Forgiveness for Your Own Benefit This is exactly what happens when you are vengeful and deliberately hurt another person—you end up harming yourself. At such times, you may find yourself asking, “Is there another way to resolve this?” or “What do I do now?” The choice you make affects your potential to heal and lead a life of harmony, contentment, and happiness. If you hang onto your “I’ve been done wrong” song, you’ll begin to think of yourself as a victim of other people and circumstances. As you continue to sing this song, you’ll find yourself approaching life from a victim orientation of helplessness, powerlessness, and weakness. Then it becomes easy to forget that you always have choices in how you will react to others and to circumstances. According to Gary Zukav, “Forgiveness is letting go of your resentment, disappointment, anger, and hurt. When you do, you are free from these prisons. They no longer captivate your attention. They no longer intrude on your thoughts and your sleep. You are no longer steeped in anger and righteous indignation. You no longer feel the need to convince others that you have been wronged. You give up being a victim, and step into a lighter, less restricted consciousness...You cannot live with a light and happy heart and be a victim at the same time.” In speaking of forgiveness in her book Life! Louise L. Hay states: “We must release the past and forgive everyone. We are the ones who suffer when we hold on to past grievances. We give the situations and the people in our past power over us, and these same situations and people keep us mentally enslaved. They continue to control us when we stay stuck in ‘unforgiveness.’ This is why forgiveness work is so important. Forgiveness—letting go of the ones who hurt us—is letting go of our identity as the one who was hurt. It allows us to be set free from the needless cycle of pain, anger, and recrimination that keeps us imprisoned in our own suffering. What we forgive is not the act, but the actors—we are forgiving their suffering, confusion, unskillfulness, desperation, and their humanity. As we get the feelings out and let them go, we can then move on.” Ron Roth, in The Healing Path of Prayer, writes that “Forgiveness must not be conceived as an act of condoning the poor behavior of another toward us, but rather as an act of release on our part in relation to the person we feel has harmed us. In that act of release, we place the individual in God’s light and allow that light to dissolve the negative energy into which we once were plugged. Having unplugged psychically from past negative actions directed against us, we are now prepared to be filled with the positive energy of freedom and joy.” Harold S. Kusher, in How Good Do We Have to Be? tells of counseling a divorcee who was still seething about her husband’s leaving her for another woman years before and then falling behind on child support payments. She asked him, “How can you expect me to forgive him after what he’s done to me and the children?” Kushner answered, “I’m not asking you to forgive him because what he did wasn’t so terrible; it was terrible. I’m suggesting that you forgive him because he doesn’t deserve to have this power to turn you into a bitter, resentful woman. When he left, he gave up the right to inhabit your life and mind to the degree that you’re letting him. Your being angry at him doesn’t harm him, but it hurts you. It’s turning you into someone you don’t really want to be. Release that anger, not for his sake—he probably doesn’t deserve it—but for your sake, so that the real you can emerge.” When you’re dealing with someone who might hurt you or your loved ones, you need to put strong, effective boundaries in place for self-protection. By doing this, you are taking good care of yourself and also trying to help the other person not to accumulate more negative energy in his or her life. “It is never a loving act to allow a person the opportunity to hurt us,” states John Gray. Talane Miedaner counsels, “At some level people know when they are doing a number of you and they don’t really want to get away with it. If you let them get away with it, not only do you diminish yourself, but you also diminish them.” The concept of mercy isn’t talked about much in our modern day society. Mercy involves refraining from harming or punishing others who have wronged you in some way. Mary Nurries Stearns writes, “Forgiveness is an intimate relationship with mercy that soothes pain, dissolves anger, and releases attitudes that don’t serve our own life potential or humanity.” You have to look at the cost to yourself when you cannot be merciful and forgive another person. George Herbert cautions, “He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass.” When you forgive another, you free yourself from the burden of resentment and living in the past. Zukav summarizes, “Forgiving is choosing a light and happy heart instead of resentment.” And as Smedes reminds us, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. How to Forgive and Move On (Part 2) What have you struggled to forgive in your marriage? Do you wish you could forgive and move on, but you don’t know how? When two people live together in an intimate relationship, there are always going to be things that happen to cause hurt feelings and anger. These things may range from minor incidents involving slights and lack of consideration to major ones such as sexual betrayal. It’s all-too-easy to develop the habit of repeatedly replaying all the wrongs a spouse has committed and then to start feeling victimized. Resentment, blame, anger, and bitterness are heavy burdens that hold us back, weight us down, and keep us stuck in a view of ourselves as victims. Forgiving a spouse does not mean that you avoid or repress your feelings. On the contrary, it’s important that you acknowledge your pain and loss so that you can express your feelings, get them out into the light of day, and let them run a natural, healing course. “Certainly others are to blame for their mistakes,” write John Gray, “but they are not to blame for our feelings. To forgive is to release another from being responsible for how we feel. By finding forgiveness, we are then free to let go of our pain. Although it is true that our partner may make us feel upset, we must also recognize that we have the power to let go of our pain.” Gray also states, “By feeling gratitude for the good times and forgiveness for the mistakes, the heart is filled with the love it needs to heal itself.” Viewed this way, forgiveness releases the toxins of resentment and blame and allows the heart to recover. Each spouse faces the same choice: Do I hang on to my feelings of hurt and pain or do I forgive my partner? For some spouses, the decision to forgive is viewed as letting a partner off the hook and minimizing the damage the partner has done. It’s as though they don’t want the partner to see them laughing and having fun because then the partner might not suffer as much emotionally. Thus, the reluctance to forgive can be a way of keeping control and making sure that the partner keeps feeling guilty and miserable over what has happened. When you feel deeply hurt by your spouse’s words or actions, it takes time to recover from the wound. It’s important to clearly state your feelings to your spouse and to share just how much the words or actions have impacted you. It’s also important to consider whether the deed was one caused inadvertently by lack of awareness or lack of knowledge or if it was deliberate. To forgive a spouse is not the same as minimizing hurtful or harmful behavior. It’s also not about pretending things are fine when they aren’t. The goal is not to flash a fake smile and say “That’s okay” when you’re feeling like you’ve been stabbed in the heart. But there’s a major difference between feeling hurt and struggling to regroup for a few weeks or months versus still being consumed with anger, resentment, and bitterness a year later. The longer the wound festers, the worse it gets. How Do You Know When It’s Time to Forgive? The following statements may help you to recognize if you’re ready to forgive and let go: You forgive when you have a stronger desire to move toward health, healing, and wholeness than you do to keep singing your “She did me wrong” or “Poor Me” theme songs. You forgive when you are tired of being stuck in the emotional and spiritual desert of despair, anger, bitterness, revenge, and resentment. You forgive when you realize that your negative emotions are destroying your sense of spiritual connection, your peace of mind, your health, and your ability to laugh, play, and enjoy life. You forgive when you realize that not only are you suffering, but your resistance to forgiving your spouse is also causing anguish to your children and other family members. You forgive when you realize that you are no longer able to live in the present moment and to be totally emotionally available when you are with your family members and friends because you are constantly thinking about the past. You forgive when you want to move on with your life and restore peace and harmony to your marriage and life. How Do You Forgive? Forgiveness is a process. Mary Nurries Stearns writes, “We make the decision to forgive, again and again. Saying words of forgiveness is the first step. Reciting the words creates an opening and willingness, and moves us into a body, heart, mind, spirit process of remembering and releasing.” She continues: “We begin by letting go of our unforgiving stance. We acknowledge the events and feelings that really happened. We admit that the past cannot be changed. However, through healing, we can leave those yesterdays in the past and create a better tomorrow. “Realizing that forgiveness is our own personal journey, we release expectations that others will respond to our work, even though each person’s healing has positive rippling effects. While journaling, drawing, dancing, breathing, and talking, we face whatever our body, heart, spirit, and mind present next for our healing. Through these processes, we begin relating differently to our suffering. “We don’t hold back. We gently swathe our pain with love. We allow thoughts and feelings to arise into awareness where they are recognized and permitted to pass on through. Setting aside sacred time daily, we pray and meditate on forgiveness, and we commune with the divine. And we trust—knowing that grace and a great wisdom are embracing our efforts.” Some individuals feel a dramatic shift when they decide to forgive a spouse, and for others, forgiveness entails releasing anger and resentment in smaller bits over a longer time. But the important thing is to make a beginning before the weight of the negative feelings pulls you under. Make an appointment to talk to a minister or a counselor if you are stuck and can’t move forward. When you forgive, you open a door that was not open before. This door leads to a field of possibilities for a new kind of relationship with your spouse. Regardless of how your partner reacts, you are changed by the act of releasing and forgiving. You are holding your spouse in a different kind of heart space—a space where anything is possible, where relationships can be transformed and where love can reveal itself in unexpected new ways. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. How to Cope with a Critical Spouse Do any of these statements describe your feelings? ___ You often feel that your spouse criticizes you unfairly. ___ You feel that your spouse consistently looks for nit-picking things to criticize. ____You feel that your spouse routinely criticizes you for things that have been blown out of proportion or are beyond your control. If you answer “yes” to at least one of these statements, you may be living with a spouse who finds it easier to find fault than to praise. If you’re already doing your best to please your mate, this may feel like a “no-win” situation. So what can you do? How can you live in harmony with an overly-critical spouse who doesn’t think that he (or she) is being unfair? The following ten tips can help you devise a strategy to cope with the excess negative energy directed at you by your spouse: 1. Try to listen without getting defensive. Hear your spouse out and let him (or her) say what’s on his mind. It will only make things worse to become defensive and cut your spouse off prematurely. You want your spouse to feel “heard.” 2. Even though you may be thinking “Here we go again—same old gripes,” keep an open mind to the possibility that there may be a different twist this time. Fox example, perhaps a certain gesture, tone of voice, or oversight you weren’t aware of at the time has intensified your spouse’s critical reaction. 3. Recognize that your spouse’s perceptions are different from yours. And you can’t argue with a spouse’s perceptions or tell her that she’s “wrong” to feel that way. Launching a direct attack to convince her that she’s off-base will almost always fail. 4. Resist the urge to counter criticism with criticism in return. That will only add fuel to the fire and ensure that negative feelings will escalate. 5. Consider whether your spouse is making any valid points that you need to look at. It’s all-too-easy to get upset and decide that the criticism is off-base and miss the part of the criticism that may be valid. 6. Work on not taking the criticism so personally. This can be difficult because it feels so personal—after all, it’s directed at you. But it’s not always just about you. Your spouse may really be irritated at herself but instead take her feelings out on you by throwing barbs of criticism in your direction. 7. Realize that just because your spouse criticizes you doesn’t mean you have to let that determine your mood or spoil your day. Don’t give your personal power away so easily. You get to decide what to focus on, and you are responsible for how you feel. Your spouse can’t “make you feel bad” without your consent. 8. Schedule a time to talk with your spouse about your reactions to the constant criticisms. Tell him (or her) that frequent criticism doesn’t make you want to try harder. Instead, it produces feelings of discouragement and negativity. State that over time, it could also negatively affect your passion and sexual relationship. 9. Write your spouse a letter outlining your concerns about the damage that constant criticism could do to your feelings of love and emotional intimacy. Use the “sandwich technique.” Start off the letter by expressing what you like and appreciate about your spouse. Then state your concerns about the long-term effects that frequent criticism could have on your feelings toward your spouse and the marriage. Last, end by making more positive remarks and sharing how much you love your spouse and value your relationship. 10. Ask your spouse to go to marriage counseling with you. Say that you need to take care of some emotional debris that is accumulating for you in the marriage. State that you want to schedule the counseling sessions so that your marriage can be the best possible for each of you. Taking this course of action is following the sage advice by Henry Ford: “Don’t find fault, find a remedy.” That’s a sure way to create a win-win situation for both you and your mate. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. How to Recognize and Cope with an Emotional Affair Did you know that an emotional affair can be just as dangerous to a marriage as a physical affair, and sometimes more so? And that spouses who never had any intention of cheating can unwittingly become enmeshed in an emotional affair? Many spouses will shrug off questions about an emotional affair with the reply that “It’s harmless” or “We’re just friends.” They fail to see the damage that the emotional closeness with someone outside of the marriage is doing to the primary relationship. Individuals who are the most vulnerable to becoming involved in an emotional affair are those in a marriage where emotional intimacy is lacking. Their marriage may be going through a period of hostility, emotional distance, and conflict. The “friends” are sucked into the emotional affair by the seductive lure and pull of an intense emotional connection to each other that feels easy, safe, and comforting. Under the surface there’s a strong sexual chemistry that’s covered up by the “friendship.” And, of course, there’s the excitement that’s heightened by the secrecy that surrounds the new-found intimacy. Even though the “friendship” may begin innocently enough, as it progresses the bond between the two individuals deepens and drains energy away from the marital relationship. The two individuals involved in the emotional affair may have been casual friends or co-workers to start with. Or they may have met online in a chat room. At some point, they started confiding feelings and personal details about themselves, their partners, and their relationships that their spouses would have seen as a violation of trust. And that was the first danger signal that indicated trouble ahead. The second danger indicator was when they started sharing more with the “friend” than with their spouse and depending on the “friend” for their primary emotional support. At some point, they began to feel that the “friend” understood them better than their own spouse did and was easier to communicate with. They felt a sense of companionship with the “friend” that was lacking with their spouse. The third red flag indicating danger ahead was when they began keeping their conversations and the frequency of contact secret from their spouses. This is a definite danger sign. Both individuals knew that their spouses would be upset if they knew the extent of the contact, the depth of the emotional connection, and the intimate subjects being routinely discussed. Finding out that your spouse is involved in an emotional affair can feel like the ultimate betrayal, and many spouses view it that way. They view what has happened as deception and they feel betrayed. The partner involved in the emotional affair usually attempts to downplay and minimize what has happened. She (or he) may rationalize that nothing physical has happened, so there’s nothing for the spouse to be upset about. She may accuse the spouse of being jealous and controlling to get him to back off. But an emotional affair can hasten the demise of a marriage. It drains the attention and focus that could have been put into tackling problems in the marriage and improving the quality of the relationship. Instead, it siphons off the energy that’s needed to put new life into a tired, ailing marriage. The spouse ends up forming a close, intimate connection with a “friend” outside the marriage while the marriage suffers from emotional neglect and decreased commitment. The sad thing is that if the “friends” end up divorcing their respective spouses and getting married, the same patterns that were present in their former marriages will show up once again down the road in the new marriage. When challenging problems develop again, they will be inclined to repeat their pattern of escaping and avoiding them by bonding with another “friend” for support. Issues that haven’t been dealt with in one relationship always resurface again in subsequent relationships. It’s only a matter of time until they pop up again. So what can you do if you or your spouse is involved in an emotional affair? Here are some tips to follow if you are serious about wanting to keep your marriage: 1. Immediately, make your marriage your top priority. Direct your time, energy, focus, and attention on understanding what has happened and coming up with an action plan to improve the emotional intimacy in your marriage. Cut back on elective activities and carve out time to spend with your spouse. Everything else is secondary if you truly want your marriage to make it. 2. Marriage counseling is a must in order to have a safe place to discuss the emotionally-charged issues surrounding an emotional affair. It helps considerably to have an objective professional who can help guide you and your spouse through the landmines. You want to get the real issues and accompanying feelings out in the open where they can be addressed. If you try to cover things up and limp along without really looking closely at why the emotional betrayal happened, nothing has been remedied. That’s a set-up for having a repeat experience. 3. Both spouses need to make a commitment to ending any secrecy about who they are talking to, how often, what about, etc. There can’t be anything hidden if trust is going to be regained and the marital relationship healed. The same dynamics that are present in a physical affair will be present in an emotional affair, also. The spouse with the “friend” may not have overtly lied to the partner about the emotional dependency but rather just didn’t ever mention it, an act of omission. The impact on the relationship is the same. 4. Obviously, contact with the “friend” cannot continue in the same way. Seeing that person and having some interaction may be necessary if both parties work together, and there will certainly be a period of transition involved. Anything involving a work situation can be awkward and delicate, and co-workers are bound to notice the change in interactions between the person ending the affair and the “friend.” There’s nothing easy about ending an emotional affair. The painful period just has to be endured. It the situation is unworkable, one or the other may need to change jobs. 5. Consider your counseling options. If your spouse is involved in an emotional affair and won’t acknowledge the seriousness of it, make any changes, or agree to go to counseling to discuss it, then you need to begin individual counseling sessions to help you deal with the situation and decide what to do. Sometimes you have to tread lightly when a partner is caught up in an emotional affair and give things some time and space. In some cases, the current “friend” will eventually pull away and get closer to a new “friend” on the scene. If that happens, your spouse may be more likely to look back at the marriage with more interest. If not, the moment will probably eventually come when you won’t be able to tolerate the situation any longer and may need to consider a separation. Sometimes, this serves as the catalyst to make a spouse reconsider what he or she is doing. There are many options on the continuum of what to do next, and that’s where a counselor can be of valuable assistance. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Marriage Tips: Fifteen Ways to Say "I Love You" in 3 Minutes or Less To keep romance alive and nurture the intimacy in your marriage, you’ll want to know a number of ways to express your feelings to your spouse. There are certainly times when you’ll want to put a significant amount of time and energy into a project that shows your love for your spouse in a major way, such as planning a surprise birthday dinner party that includes family and friends or a new deck that you spend several weekends building. But it’s also important for you to know a number of smaller gestures you can make to convey loving feelings on a frequent basis. Little expressions of love and appreciation add up over time and can help ensure that your relationship will keep its special sparkle and glow. Here are fifteen ways to say “I love you” that you can easily implement even during a busy work week: 1. Blow your spouse a kiss as you walk through the room. Smile, and let your eyes twinkle mischievously. You might remain silent, or you could say something such as, “Catch!” or “This is for you!” 2. Surprise your spouse by kissing the back of his (or her) neck as he sits in a low-backed chair that gives you easy access to his neck, such as a dining room chair or a computer chair. (For an extra reaction, you might lick his neck one or two strokes with your tongue after you kiss it) 3. Give her (or him) a brief neck and shoulder massage. 4. Leave a sweet message on his (or her) voice mail. 5. Send a short but sweet email. (Don’t send your spouse a sexually explicit email at work. Save those for his or her personal email account.) 6. Write a one sentence note that describes a specific trait or quality that you love about your spouse, such as “I love your beautiful blue eyes that remind me of the sea.” Or you could write, “I love your fabulous shoulder muscles that make you look so strong and sexy.” Put this note in your spouse’s purse, lunch, or brief case, or on his (or her) bed pillow. 7. Give your spouse a lingering, wet kiss, accompanied by a full body hug. (Many relationship gurus advocate that couples do this at least once every day.) 8. Hug your spouse and scratch her back at the same time. If you’re lucky, your spouse will also scratch your back while you’re scratching hers. 9. Give your spouse a compliment. Be specific, such as “You look great in that new pullover—I love how that color looks on you!” 10. Tell your spouse once specific thing you appreciate that he (or she) does. For example, you might say, “I really appreciate how hard you work to bring in extra income,” or “You’re a great dad—always so patient with the kids!” 11. When you’re at the grocery store, pick up something special for your spouse—a favorite candy bar, a choice piece of fruit, a small plant, one long-stemmed rose, a special cheese, a festive balloon, etc. When you get home, say “I bought something special just for you because you’re so special.” Or wait until later and leave the item with an ‘I love you” note for her (or him) to find. 12. Look for some little act or chore you can do for your spouse to make his (or her) life easier. For example, without asking, Lee will often empty the wastebasket in my office for me when he sees that it’s full. Or I might offer to make a phone call for him to save him time on a busy day. These types of gestures say “I love you and want to show you that I care.” 13. The next time that you have to buy a birthday card for someone, also buy five or six cards that your spouse would like. They might be romantic cards, thinking-of-you cards, or funny cards. Once every week or two, drop one in the mail to your spouse to arrive at the office or home, or leave a card in the car on the driver’s seat or some other place for him (or her) to find. 14. When you get “take-home” food containers in a restaurant, later secretly take your spouse’s container out of the refrigerator and decorate it. You might draw two hearts linked together with your names on the hearts and write “I love you” on her (or his) box. 15. Look for poems or song lyrics that you can give your spouse to communicate your loving feelings. Check out http://www.romantic-lyrics.com/ to find lyrics to beautiful love songs, love quotes, and romantic poems. You’ll also find a great selection of love song lyrics at http://www.theromantic.com/lovesongs/main.htm .Just print out some of your favorites (use special paper to make it more special) and keep them back, ready to pull out and give your spouse with a note that says, “This expresses just how I feel about you.” **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Marriage Advice: Seven Marriage Myths You Can't Afford to Ignore If you’re like most people, you probably entered into marriage with a number of unchallenged assumptions in place. These assumptions may have been about what marriage is and entails, about love, or about your spouse. While you may have already bumped into reality concerning some of your assumptions, you still may be operating with others firmly in place. Why should you be concerned if this is the case? Because what you aren’t aware of can blindside you down the marital road, that’s why. Life throws in enough surprises on its own, so you don’t want to be caught off guard unnecessarily. The following misguided assumptions can get you into trouble in your marriage. Review them for a quick reality check: 1. You should always feel loving toward your spouse. It’s not realistic to think that you’ll always have loving feelings toward your spouse. There are occasions when Lee and I are upset with each other and we don’t like each other very much. We may have to make an effort to remind ourselves of the other person’s positive traits. At those times, we know that underneath all of our upset feelings we still love each other, but the predominant feelings we’re experiencing are anger and hurt. And it’s difficult to feel loving when you’re frustrated, feeling resentful, or harboring anger toward your spouse. That’s when it’s vitally important to clear the air as soon as possible so you can be in harmony with your spouse and get those loving feelings back. 2. Love should consistently feel the same way. Feelings vary in intensity over time. It’s just not possible to experience forever the ecstatic feelings that can be there when a relationship is new and you’ve just fallen in love. At that time, every sensation is ultra intense and heightened. But the feelings associated with the initial or honeymoon period of every relationship eventually change. Love deepens and grows in different ways. Of course, there are still wonderful high’s, but there are other feelings in the cycle of love that you also experience—a rhythmic waning and waxing of desire, the enjoyment of companionship, and the comfortableness of knowing someone well and sharing a history together. Love has many faces and produces a variety of feelings during a marriage. 3. Your spouse should just “know” what you need without you having to tell him or her. It’s not unusual to feel that if your spouse really loved you, he or she would somehow be aware of your needs and desires without having to ask you. But in reality, most of us do rather poorly when we try to second guess someone else or try to “read their mind.” This particular assumption leads to many hurt feelings in a marriage. “He should have known that I wouldn’t want to celebrate my birthday with his family.” Or “She should have known that all I wanted from her was a little understanding and sympathy.” When this happens, spouses often erroneously conclude that their spouse must not love them or they would have been more tuned in to their wishes and needs. But the responsibility to let your spouse know what you need and want ultimately rests on you. Give your partner feedback and clues so he or she can have the information needed to make different choices. 4. If you really love each other, keeping a loving relationship shouldn’t take much work. I’ve heard this or statements similar to this numerous times. But the sobering reality is that relationships always take a lot of work. It’s a challenge to keep the communication channels clear of debris and residue from disagreements. It takes time and effort to follow up by checking with the other person to be sure that things aren’t building up under the surface and that everything is truly okay now. This process can be compared to housecleaning. You can clean the house one week, but by the next week it needs cleaning again. It’s a constant cycle—the same is true in a marriage relationship. What you ignore doesn’t just go away; it stays right where it is, waiting for more dust or debris to collect on top of it. 5. Being married lets you off the hook in the romance department and sets you up in the sex department. This assumption has tripped many spouses up. As a counselor, many times I’ve heard the statement, “But I thought now that we’re married, I didn’t have to do all of that romantic stuff I used to do.” Often this is said when the marriage problems are already serious and the marriage is in crisis. It just makes good sense to take the offensive and make the effort to find ways to be romantic throughout your marriage. If you do, you’ll be accumulating those “good will” bank deposits or “brownie points” that Lee likes to talk about. And as for thinking that marriage assures you of unlimited great sex without any extra effort on your part, that’s a fantasy. Emotional intimacy sets the stage for great sex and depends on good communication, plus a host of other qualities such as sensitivity and empathy, all of which take work. 6. Your spouse will speak up and tell you if he or she is unhappy in the marriage. This is an assumption which has been the undoing of many marriages. The reality is that numerous spouses are uncomfortable with anger and are afraid that expressing it will damage the relationship. So they try to bury their feelings and pretend that everything is okay. It pays to be observant and pay attention to your spouse’s tone of voice and non-verbal communication. It also pays to learn to disagree without attacking each other and to be respectful even when you don’t understand how your spouse could possibly have such odd ideas. When you create a safe environment for discussing your real feelings, you increase the likelihood that your spouse will gain the courage to share from the heart with you. You can help this process by taking the lead in making yourself vulnerable by sharing your real feelings in a respectful way. 7. The commitment expressed in your wedding vows is enough to sustain your relationship. The commitment you made to your spouse and marriage on your wedding day was certainly important—and it counts for a lot. But it’s not enough. It’s all-too-easy to treat the marriage commitment as a one-time thing, when the reality is that a satisfying, healthy relationship requires daily commitment—over and over again, day by day. It’s similar to what individuals do who are successful in 12-step programs for sobriety—they recommit to their sobriety each day. The recovering alcoholic may say, “Just for today, I’m sober, with God’s help.” The spouse with a successful marriage makes a daily commitment, also, even if it’s unspoken—“Today I will honor my marriage and be the best supportive partner I can be.” It’s that level of daily dedication and commitment that makes the difference in marriages that make it and those that don’t. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Can a Marital Separation Ever Save a Marriage? As an experienced counselor, one of the questions I’m asked frequently is, “Can a marital separation ever save a marriage?” My answer is a qualified “yes.” Sometimes a couple is miserable living together and can’t seem to co-exist without having constant harping and bickering. If they have children, they may worry about the impact on them of all the fighting. Each spouse wants the marriage to work and is willing to work on the problems and issues in marriage counseling while they’re separated. Couples in this situation often plan to use the separation period to “let the dust settle,” reflect on the marriage, take responsibility for their share of what has happened, and work on individual and joint issues in counseling. One goal is for the spouses to use their problem-solving skills in counseling to address and resolve the most serious problems before moving back together. Both spouses agree not to date anyone else and to focus exclusively on working to improve the marriage. For these couples, the separation can be a time to think, to reflect, to analyze, to cool off and calm down, and to take a break from each other. It also provides time and space for each spouse to make unhurried, thoughtful decisions instead of waiting for things to blow up and then impulsively leaving. Used in this way, a planned separation can actually help to save a marriage. In other cases, one spouse or the other may move out on the spur of the moment after an upsetting argument. The separation is unplanned, and there are no plans for marriage counseling, no guidelines agreed upon about seeing others, and no tentative time-line for the separation. There is usually much anxiety on the part of the partner who has been left unexpectedly and there are many unanswered questions: What is happening? Will the partner file for divorce? Will the marriage survive? Whether the separation will help or hurt the marriage is unknown in this case. Things could go either way, depending on what happens. Another situation that can result in separation is when a spouse is living in an intolerable situation in the marriage. Perhaps the partner is verbally abusive, chronically runs around, or shows continual disrespect towards his or her spouse in some other way. The spouse may have tried to get the partner to go to counseling, but the partner always refused. Sometimes the best thing the spouse can do is to decide to separate and hope that the partner will be shocked enough by the unexpected action to finally agree to work on the marriage. In situations like this, a separation can sometimes save the marriage. The partner often says, “I knew we had some problems, but I didn’t think they were that serious. I never thought she (or he) would really leave. She kept telling me, but I didn’t believe her.” The spouse then has to stand firm and let the partner know that she is going to live separately because “I refuse to be in a marriage where I’m treated like this. I deserve more.” By not rushing to file for divorce, the spouse finds out during the planned separation if the partner is finally motivated enough to enter counseling and work on changing. If the couple enters counseling, the therapist will then be able to give them a recommendation about when they are ready to live together again, if ever. Of course, there are no guarantees in a marital separation. The separation might be instrumental in saving the marriage, or it may widen the gap between the two spouses and eventually lead to divorce. A planned separation is always preferable to an impulsive one. The following five tips can help you if you need to think about separating from your spouse: 1. Talk with your spouse about what your individual goals are for the separation. Are they the same or different? 2. Try to reach agreement that neither of you will date anyone else during this period of time. If your marriage is going to have the best chance possible, you’ll want to agree not to have sexual entanglements with others so you can continue to work on your relationship. 3. Set a tentative time period for the separation, such as three months. At the end of that time, you can both re-evaluate the decision in terms of what’s best for each of you. 4. Agree to seek individual and joint counseling during the separation to address the key problems and issues that have caused conflict in the marriage. This is an ideal time to do some deep individual work on your own personal issues as well as to address core relationship issues. 5. Set guidelines that you both agree to about how much contact you’ll have during the separation and what kind of contact it will be. It doesn’t do any good to have a separation if one spouse or the other is calling on the phone every five minutes and constantly wanting to talk more about the problems. The separation is supposed to reduce conflict and give each person some space and relief from constant pressure and arguments. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Twelve Ways to Make Your Spouse Dislike Sex It’s really not difficult to ruin what could have been great sex. If that’s your goal, following these twelve suggestions will ensure that, over time, your spouse will become very creative in finding ways to avoid having sex with you. Of course, we're writing this article “tongue in cheek” to make a point. But we can assure you that these behaviors will detract from your sexual relationship with your partner. That’s because sexual feelings are vulnerable to being affected by so many other factors, such as self-esteem, expectations, criticism, emotional intimacy, and pressure. Do these Things to Ruin Your Sex Life So here are the behaviors guaranteed to be “turn offs” to your spouse. In italics is the faulty reasoning that gets marriages into trouble. In parentheses (...), we've added a counterweight to the faulty reasoning. 1. Develop a set routine for when you want to have sex—the same time and same place every week. “That way, you don’t have to wonder when you’ll have sex—Sunday night at 9:00 p.m. in the bedroom—just like clock work. No use leaving it to chance, right?” (How boring. Try adding excitement by surprising your mate with something slightly new and different.) 2. Follow exactly the same “plays” and “moves” each time. “This way you both know what to expect each time. It’s just too much work to come up with different things to try, and after the honeymoon period, it’s not really necessary, is it?” (Instead, remember a variation on the old saying that variety is the spice of life... and of sex). 3. Drink a lot first so that you’re loosened up. “If your mate doesn’t like the smell or wishes you wouldn’t drink so much before sex, it’s just too bad. You can’t let your spouse tell you what to do, can you?” (Consistent and excessive intoxication during sex is a big turn-off and could indicate deeper problems.) 4. Only touch your spouse when your goal is to have sex. “Save your hugs, wet kisses, and holding hands until you’re ready to signal that you want sex. That way your partner will associate your touch with sex and know what to expect, get my drift? Cuts down on misunderstandings, doesn't it?” (Actually, the best sex can be the result of hours or even days of buildup with no obvious sign of sex on the horizon. During this time, any sign of affection - a touch, a hug, some compliments - can be powerful foreplay that builds to ignite passion.) 5. Expect your spouse to deliver the sexual goods because you’re married. “Your mate knows that every 'good' marriage partner owes sex to the other partner as part of his or her 'duties.' After all, isn’t this supposed to be one of the benefits of being married?” (When sex becomes an obligation, it becomes as appealing as paying taxes. Instead, if your goal is to make the experience breathtaking for your partner, you'll never have to invoke guilt or obligation to get sex.) 6. Push for sex even if your spouse seems reluctant and uninterested as long as he or she says “okay.” “If the verbal agreement is there, ignore the behavioral signals that indicate reluctance. If your spouse didn’t really want to have sex, he or she should have said so up front, right?” (Pay close attention to your mate's body language. That can be more revealing of true interest in sex than words alone. You'll damage your relationship if you forge ahead when your partner only agrees just to get it over with.) 7. Skip foreplay and get to the major action immediately. “It takes too much time to bother with all that extra stuff. Besides, both of you have to go to work in the morning and need your sleep. You can’t afford to waste time.” (The truth is, there is often a direct correlation to the amount of foreplay with the quality of the sex. The better the buildup, the better the payoff.) 8. Criticize your spouse’s sexual performance. “After all, you’re only trying to motivate your mate to be a better sexual partner. It’s not healthy to keep things in, so he or she will just have to listen to your critique.” (You will get more satisfying performance out of your mate by praising what he or she does that you like, rather than the contrary.) 9. Criticize your spouse’s physical appearance. “If your partner has developed a beer belly or gotten flabby, you’re doing him or her a favor to say how much that turns you off. It’ll motivate your spouse to lose weight and shape up, which will help him or her in the long run.” (The rule is: use positive strokes to motivate your partner. Negative criticism will poison your sex life.) 10. Answer your cell phone during sex. “You just never know; this call might be important. Anyway, what’s the big deal? It’s not like you’ll never have sex again. You’ve been having sex for years now, so why should your partner get upset with an occasional interruption?” (Respect your partner with your undivided attention to get back the same. Minimize all distractions if possible.) 11. Get it over with as fast as possible as long as you’re satisfied. “Don’t ask your partner if there’s anything you can do for him or her. Just assume that everything’s okay unless your mate says something.” (If satisfaction is not mutual, your sex life will suffer. The simple question a couple can ask each other - "How can I please you?" - works wonders.) 12. Jump up immediately and make your get-away afterwards. “The faster you get finished, the faster you’ll be able to get to sleep. There’s no time to waste just lying there talking. You can talk tomorrow over breakfast.” (Emotional closeness is the currency of intimacy and you can achieve it by allowing each other to share honest feelings. Pillow talk after sex is one of the best times for this.) **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Marriage Advice: Ten Ways to Add Romance to Your Marriage Every marriage needs a healthy dose of on-going romance to add spice, delight, and fun to the relationship. It’s not enough to just start out with a sizzling romance. You have to find a way to keep the romance alive as the months and years accumulate. One of the marital challenges many couples face is how to live together without losing that special romantic spark. It’s all-too-easy to lose the role of lover along the way. When this happens, spouses often start relating to each other as they would to a friend or a sibling. Parents can begin to feel they are only “business partners” joined together to raise their children and keep the household running. How can you keep romance alive when your daily work schedule is grueling, you’re always short on time and energy, and you’re not sure what to do? Here are ten tips to help you sprinkle romance into your marriage: 1. Pay attention when your spouse mentions things he or she likes or expresses interest in something that could make a good gift, such as a new CD, a book, or theater/concert/sports tickets. Be on the lookout for ideas for birthday, holiday, and anniversary gifts, plus “no reason” surprise gifts. It’s very flattering to know that someone really tried to find a gift that was just what you wanted. 2. Frequently offer foot massages, shoulder massages, and full-body massages to your spouse. You’ll get plenty of romantic brownie points in your “relationship bank account” if you keep some great-smelling lotion handy and take ten minutes to massage your spouse’s tired feet at the end of a long work day. Note: If you expect to be rewarded for your efforts by sex, you won’t accumulate any points for being romantic. Your spouse will just think you have an ulterior motive when you offer a massage in the future. 3. Giving sweet cards and letters to your spouse can be romantic, as can emails and phone messages that share your feelings and passion. Handwritten letters sent through the mail are becoming more and more of a rarity. That’s good for you because that means your spouse will think you’re really romantic for taking the time to write a love letter by hand and mail it. That will make more of an impact than just sending an email if you want to get extra brownie points. 4. Another way to be romantic is to look for opportunities to pamper and spoil your spouse. That might be letting a spouse sleep in late while you watch the kids, or it could be telling your partner to sit down and relax while you clean up after dinner. The key is in the delivery of the offer. You might say, “Nothing’s too good for my sweetheart” or “You’re such a love. It’s fun to pamper you.” You can accompany your words with a hug or kiss 5. Talking in front of your spouse to someone else about your partner’s good points is romantic. Take full advantage of opportunities to say, ‘I’m so lucky to have such a supportive wife (or husband)—she’s such a treasure. I’m a lucky man.” You can also do this when you’re talking on the phone and know that your spouse is within listening range. If you’re not sure your partner heard you, when you get off the phone ask, “Did you hear me telling my sister what a great husband you are? I was really bragging on you!” 6. In the romance department, flowers, plants, candy, or a special home-cooked meal never go out of favor. Many females love to receive beautiful fresh flowers or a box of delicious chocolate candy. Both husbands and wives can appreciate the efforts of a partner to put together an intimate, special home-cooked meal by candlelight with music playing and flowers on the table. 7. Surprise your spouse with a framed picture of the two of you in a setting that will bring back pleasant memories. Another option is to frame a picture of your spouse that shows him or her in a flattering way and let your partner know how much you love the photo. Keep it on your nightstand, computer, dresser, or desk and let your spouse see you looking at it admiringly. 8. Take the initiative to plan a surprise weekend outing. Call and make all the arrangements ahead of time. The outing doesn’t have to be expensive or complex. It might be as simple as planning a picnic at a nearby scenic spot. You might prepare the surprise picnic lunch when your spouse is in the shower. Or you might make arrangements for a restaurant to pack a gourmet lunch for the two of you that you could pick up on your way out of town. 9. Music that you and your spouse both like can set a romantic tone. If you see a movie that you both enjoyed a lot, you might consider buying the sound track as a surprise gift the following week. You could also select a song that you both like and decide to make it “your song.” Or you could pick a song and tell your spouse that it reminds you of him or her for some positive reason. 10. Celebrate every occasion you can think of—the anniversary of the day you met, when you became engaged, your marriage anniversary, your birthdays, seeing the full moon, and anything else you can come up with. You can toast with champagne (or non-alcoholic champagne) and perhaps have a celebration meal. But it can be just as fun to make a big deal out of going out for an ice cream cone to celebrate. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Marriage Advice: Ten Danger Signals to Watch for in Your Marriage Healthy marriages require time, attention, energy, and vigilance. It’s not realistic to think that you can have a super marriage without effort on your part. It pays to be observant, to ask questions when you don’t understand something, and to notice changes in behavior, tone of voice, and attitude. Communication experts have found that only seven percent of our communication is verbal, while the other ninety-three percent depends on body language and tone of voice. Thus, it only makes good sense to pay attention to much more than just the actual words a spouse says. There are ten danger signals that can help you to head off trouble in your marriage before problems become more serious. Pay attention when: 1. Your spouse acts upset but says “Nothing’s wrong” when you ask, yet you’re sure there’s more to it. Trust your intuition about this. Females in particular are prone to say “Nothing” when asked “What’s wrong?” This often indicates that there is something they need to say, but they don’t feel comfortable saying it. Work on creating a safe environment for the sharing of mutual concerns. 2. You ask your spouse about something and get a listless, barely audible “Okay, that’s fine,” but the tone doesn’t sound sincere. This response is similar to number one. What’s usually obvious from the tone of voice and other non-verbal communication is that most assuredly something is wrong. Everything is not fine. And if that “something” doesn’t come out into the open where it can be resolved, it will pop up later and cause difficulties. 3. Your spouse is unusually anxious or agitated when you walk in unexpectedly while he or she is on the computer. It may just be a coincidence, but it could also be that your partner is involved in doing something that he or she doesn’t want you to see. To know if it’s nothing or if something is brewing will take observation over a period of time. Becoming involved with someone online isn’t harmless, as some spouses will claim. It robs a marriage of commitment and focused energy, plus it can lead to an affair in real time. 4. You observe that your spouse is being secretive about cell phone calls or text messages. Sometimes spouses will find a partner hiding in the closet or locked in the bathroom talking on the cell phone. This is certainly something to pay attention to, but don’t jump to conclusions. Just observe for awhile. Sometime there’s a rational explanation such as a spouse who is making secret calls to set up a surprise birthday party for the partner. But if that’s not the case, the secret calls could be a signal that your marriage is in danger. 5. Your spouse has a significant change in moods, enjoyment of life, socialization patterns, or grooming/appearance. A spouse can become depressed and sometimes the partner doesn’t put the clues together to realize what’s happening. The spouse who is feeling depressed may experience changes in sleep patterns, eating, appearance, and hygiene. There may also be uncharacteristic isolation from friends and family, as well as crying spells or loss of interest in things that used to bring pleasure. If this happens, it’s time to consult with your spouse’s physician. 6. You realize that your spouse is developing a pattern of trying to avoid going to bed at the same time you do and sleeping in the same bed with you. Numerous wives have shared in counseling that they deliberately stay up later than their husbands to avoid sex. Or they say that a child won’t go to sleep unless they lie down with them. Often, then, the parent ends up going to sleep in the child’s room, giving the excuse that they didn’t want to wake the partner or that they fell asleep without meaning to. The warning sign comes when this turns into a nightly pattern, not an occasional occurrence. 7. You realize that you don’t know who your spouse really is any more. This is certainly a wake-up call that it’s time to make your marriage a top priority. You’ll want to spend extra time together talking and sharing from the heart. One common lament marriage counselors hear is, “He (or she) doesn’t really know me. I’m just a paycheck to her (or just someone who keeps the house clean and takes care of the kids). Take the time to find out what your spouse is really thinking and feeling. 8. Your relationship feels stale and dull. If this stage continues, both you and your spouse could be more susceptible to the lure of an affair. Deliberately schedule plans to do new things and go new places, and of course, look at how you could spice up your sex life with your partner. Do you need to trade off babysitting time with a friend so you can leave the kids and take a weekend trip with your spouse? Or let the friend keep the kids while you and your partner stay home alone? 9. You find yourself co-existing in the same house with your spouse but never really connecting. When this happens, it’s time to schedule a time each day to sit, talk, share feelings, hold hands, hug, and reconnect. You can’t afford to lose your feeling of closeness and bonding with your partner. Cut back on extra activities and immediately make your marriage your priority. Without emotional intimacy, your marriage will lose its momentum and passion. 10. You realize your sense of fun and joy has been replaced by resignation and complacency. It’s time to shake things up. Have you gotten in a rut? Turn things upside down and put some variety in your marriage. Maybe it’s time for those dance lessons your wife has been begging you to take with her. Or maybe it’s time to go on that camping trip your husband has been talking about for months. Whatever you do, don’t just sit there—plan something fun! **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Marriage Advice: What to Throw Overboard When Your Marriage Is In Trouble When your marriage is in trouble and you’re fighting to keep it afloat, it’s time to throw anything that isn’t helping you overboard. You need all your wits about you to be able to handle the crisis and tackle the problems. Anything that’s an impediment or hindrance has to go. During this time of confusion and stress, you only have a limited amount of energy and time, and you have to put those resources where they count the most. You don’t have time or energy to waste if you’re going to be successful in saving your marriage. What do you need to consider throwing overboard? The following eight recommendations can help you to decide what to let go: 1. Release your need to be “right.” If you’re intent on winning arguments or proving that your partner is wrong, you are hurting your chances of creating a win-win situation in your marriage for you and your spouse. Does it really matter in the long run who’s “right” or “wrong”? Or is it more important to create a harmonious marriage where the opinions of both partners are respected? 2. Let go of worrying about what others think or say. No marriage is perfect, and if others find out or suspect that you’re having problems, don’t let that concern you. If they stay married long enough, they’ll eventually encounter problems, also, if they haven’t already. There’s a wonderful saying that I find helpful, “What you think of me is none of my business.” 3. Give up preconceived notions of how you should react in certain situations. Maybe you’ve always said that if your partner had an affair, you’d end the marriage. But each situation is different, and there’s not an across-the-board answer that fits every case. You’ll want to look carefully at your particular situation and the extenuating circumstances and then make a careful decision that’s right for you. 4. Throw out your demands to be in control. Life has a way of effectively teaching that you can protest all you want, but many things are out of your control and always will be. You can’t control what your spouse chooses to do or if others criticize your approach to saving your marriage. You can only control your own decisions and actions. 5. Toss out the temptation to tell others all of the juicy details of what’s happening or how your spouse has “done you wrong.” Be discrete in who you talk to and in what you say. Later, if you stay married, it may be difficult for family and friends to feel comfortable around the two of you if you’ve painted your partner as a “louse.” You can let others know that you’re going through a hard time and need their support without divulging every detail. 6. Release your need to handle everything on your own without outside help. It just makes good sense to use resources that are available, such as counseling. The objectivity and experience of a professional counselor can help you to explore your options and make a wise decision that’s right for you and your marriage. And everything will be kept private and confidential. 7. Let go of trying to make everything okay for everyone else. It’s not possible to please everyone, so that’s a losing battle. You can’t pretend you’re happy in your marriage just so your parents don’t get upset, and you can’t pretend everything is okay just so you don’t hurt your spouse. Sometimes the chips just have to fall where they fall and that’s it. Everyone else has to cope with it and adjust. 8. Give up the need to have others agree with your decision. It’s certainly easier when others agree, but it’s not necessary. Just because your best friend urges you to divorce due to your spouse’s affair, that doesn’t mean that’s necessarily the best decision for you. It’s your life, and you have to live with the consequences of your decisions and actions, so be sure that whatever you choose to do is what you really want. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Marriage Advice: Eight Steps to Marital Harmony The formula for marital harmony and success is not a mysterious secret. It’s actually very straightforward. The “behind the scenes” part is the constant work that’s required to keep the channels of love and communication clear from obstruction. Diligent spouses consistently spend time and energy addressing issues as they come up so that anger and hurt feelings don’t accumulate. Spouses who want satisfying marriages also look for ways to keep their love strong, such as remembering to show affection and appreciation frequently. They know that the more they feel connected and bonded, the more motivated they will be to resolve problems and hang in there when things are difficult. The following eight steps will guide you in looking at what you can do to increase your chances for creating a happy, harmonious marriage: 1. Work on yourself and your own issues that you brought with you into the marriage. Many responses that you have to your spouse’s actions are triggered by past events going back to your childhood. If one of your emotional wounds is feeling disrespected, then when your partner inadvertently does something that triggers those feelings, you’ll experience an intense reaction. Individual counseling can help you to be more self-aware of what’s behind your intense reactions and what you can do so that you don’t over-react to issues in your marriage. 2. Avoid blaming your partner for problems in the marriage. Blame only causes the other person to become defensive and angry, and it decreases the probability that the two of you can find a win-win solution to your problems. When you focus on blaming your spouse for what’s happening in the marriage, you are planting seeds of resentment that can hurt the relationship. A marriage is composed of two people, and each contributes to the quality of the relationship and shares responsibility for it. 3. Be empathetic and put yourself in your partner’s place when issues come up. Really try to understand where your partner is coming from when you disagree or when your partner does something that you can’t make sense of. Ask your spouse to talk about his or her feelings. Listen respectfully and ask your spouse to clarify points that you don’t understand. Develop a curiosity for learning more about your spouse’s feelings and take special care to create an emotionally safe environment for the discussions with your spouse. 4. Look for ways to make your partner’s life easier and to show your love. Many of the irritants and stressors in modern day life are the little things---the extra time it takes to pick up the cleaning on the way home from work or to put the clean dishes in the dishwasher away. When you see some errand or task that you can do to save your partner time, offer to do it. Look for opportunities to give your spouse a few minutes to relax or have downtime. Watch for things you can do to pamper your partner when you can. It’s often the little things that can make a big difference in marital happiness and satisfaction. 5. Express appreciation often and say form the habit of saying “thank you.” As months and years go by, many spouses take each other for granted and neglect to express appreciation or say “thank you” to each other. Numerous spouses complain that their partners only focus on what they do wrong and never compliment them. It’s sad to think that the one person who means the most to you might have to wonder whether or not you appreciate them. Let your spouse know how much he or she means to you on a frequent basis. Give compliments and praise freely, and express thanks for all that your partner does to enrich your life and marriage. 6. Apologize quickly and sincerely, taking responsibility for your part in whatever happens in the marriage. The truth is that sometimes it’s hard to say “I’m sorry.” That’s when it’s time to remember the question, “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?” Accept that things don’t always make sense in a relationship and that confusion and misunderstandings can happen easily. It’s a mark of maturity when you can say, “I’m so sorry for my part in what has happened between us.” 7. Have interests, hobbies and activities in your life that you enjoy so you’re not thrown off center so easily if you have a tiff or quarrel with your spouse. It’s important to have interests and activities of your own that are satisfying to you that can help to keep you balanced and anchored if other areas of your life are upsetting. That way, you can more easily regain a sense of perspective and be able to withstand the on-going stress. For example, if you and your spouse are encountering some rocks along the relationship path, you could go on a long bike ride, go fishing with a friend, visit a museum, or read an interesting book. Those activities and interests can add pleasure to your life to help balance out the temporary problems in your marriage. You’re always ahead of the game when you know some ways to lift your spirits. 8. Look for fun activities and bonding experiences to share with your mate. Be on the lookout for activities that could be fun for you and your spouse to do together. Search the local newspaper for plays, concerts, new movies, museum exhibits, neighborhood fairs and festivals, and new restaurants that are advertised. Laughter and having fun is bonding and can help to create those “Kodak moments” that are so delightful. Also look for activities that represent causes you and your spouse believe in, such as spending a Saturday helping a local charity with a garage sale or volunteering together at a local soup kitchen. These experiences can serve to remind you of what you have in common with your spouse and of how good it feels to be working in unison with a shared purpose. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Marriage Advice: Twelve Steps to Creating an Affair-Proof Marriage There’s no way to absolutely guarantee that your marriage won’t be blindsided by an affair on your part or your spouse’s, but there are definite steps you can take to greatly reduce the probability of that happening. It’s important to know what you can do to strengthen your marital connection and keep your marriage vibrant and healthy. A rewarding, satisfying marriage that meets the needs of both partners is your best protection against the destructive intrusion of an affair. So what can you do to “affair proof” your marriage as much as possible? The following twelve steps will guide you in building a stronger marriage partnership and help you and your spouse to withstand the lusty lure of temptation: 1. Make your relationship with your spouse your top priority in the hierarchy involving family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, and others. Make a real commitment of time, energy, and effort to your marriage. You can end up pulled in so many different directions and over-extended that your most valuable and precious relationship can end up at the bottom of the list unless you make it a top priority. 2. Nurture the emotional intimacy in your marriage. Make time to talk each day, not just about the events that have happened, but also about your feelings. Share on an emotional level—your fears, your frustrations, your joys, your disappointments, and your challenges. Let your partner know how much you value being able to talk to him or her about anything and to connect on a deep level. 3. Show appreciation on a regular basis. Be generous with compliments and thank you’s. Tell your spouse at least once a week how much you appreciate him or her and list the qualities that you love, admire, and respect. Don’t worry that you’ve said these things before—no one gets tired of hearing their good traits praised! 4. Spend time together doing fun things and just “hanging out.” Bonding can deepen when you and your spouse have unstructured time to just relax and hang out together. If every minute of your time together is tightly scheduled and rushed, you’ll miss out on opportunities to be spontaneous. Look for fun things to do—a picnic in the park, a hike, trying a new restaurant, going out dancing, or going swimming. 5. Keep your sex life active. Sometimes being sick or fatigued gets in the way of sexual desire, as does family stress like caring for an ill or aging parent. Certainly the energy and time required to raise children can leave parents drained and “on empty.” In spite of these challenges, it’s essential to make time for sex. The sobering reality is that most spouses are more vulnerable to flirtations and sexual advances from others when their sex life is unhappy at home. 6. Discuss and resolve issues as they come up. Don’t just bury them or neglect trying to resolve them. Learn how to disagree without being disagreeable and causing long-term damage to your relationship. Above all—communicate, communicate, communicate. Keep the communication door wide open at all times. 7. Talk about the problem of infidelity and know that it can strike any marriage. Bring the subject out into the open and express your feelings and deepest fears. Brainstorm with your spouse about how you can keep your marriage strong and what the two of you think would be helpful in preventing an affair from happening. Commit to telling your spouse if you feel vulnerable or if things start getting out of control in any situation. 8. Share goals for the present and future that inspire you. When you and your spouse share common goals that you’re passionate about, you will feel closer to each other and more connected. It helps you to feel like a real team. The feeling of partnership is important in deepening commitment to each other. Whatever your mutual dream is, the passion you bring to pursuing it can draw you closer together. 9. Make wise decisions about contact with the opposite sex at work and other settings. You may encounter special situations and temptations on business trips or at business parties or in your work setting. Talk frankly with your spouse and agree on what you both feel comfortable with. If your spouse is on a business trip and the group goes out dancing, will you be upset if your spouse participates? Plan ahead and head off potential problems. 10. Know the danger signals. Many affairs have started with individuals sharing intimate personal information with each other on a regular basis while not confiding in their respective spouses. Intimacy can mushroom quickly when secrecy is involved and a feeling of connection develops. Other danger signals are having increased sexual excitement about seeing someone in particular, being in settings with lots of alcohol and drinking when your spouse isn’t present, and being more vulnerable than usual due to feelings of loneliness, rejection, or anger at your spouse. 11. Celebrate your love, anniversaries, birthdays, and other special occasions. Value your marriage and take advantage of every opportunity to celebrate, such as your wedding anniversary, the date that you met, your spouse’s birthday, and any other special days that the two of you share. This helps to keep the romance alive and also to keep your connection strong. Celebrate your love, your time together, your plans for the future, and the priceless present moment. 12. Support each other’s goals. Make a commitment to help your spouse be all that he or she is capable of being. Your marriage is only strengthened when each of you is happy and fulfilled with your life. It’s to your advantage to help your spouse reach goals that are important to him or her, even if they aren’t your particular goals. Be positive and encouraging of your spouse’s desires to live up to his or her potential. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Marriage Counseling: What to Do When a Spouse Flirts Too Much When Alicia first met Tim, she found him outgoing, charming, and easy to talk to. She thought he was very witty and funny, always the life of the party with everyone gathered around him. Yes, he flirted a lot, but while he was talking, he’d turn to wink at her, take her hand, or put his arm around her shoulder as he continued talking. But sometime in the two years following their marriage, Alicia started feeling differently about Tim’s extraverted side. It seemed to her that he was flirting too much and too blatantly while she sat on the sidelines, feeling left out. Most of the time, Tim didn't even introduce Alicia as his wife. If Alicia said anything to Tim about her feelngs, he told her that she was over-reacting. As she became increasingly more hurt, resentful, and withdrawn, the emotional climate in the marrige cooled considerably, and the marriage became less satisfying for both of them. Neither one knew what to do. Flirting on the part of a spouse causes marriage problems for numerous couples. And it can at times be difficult to distinguish between a spouse with an extraverted personality who just naturally likes to joke and kid around versus the partner who is continually “on the make.” Flirting behavior has varying causes. If you have known your partner for a long time and have never had any reason to believe he or she has cheated on you, then you are probably married to an extravert who has a flirty personality. This can still be annoying and frustrating, but at least you basically know what you’re dealing with. Spouses can also engage in flirting to meet their own emotional needs such as feeling liked, being popular, or being thought of as funny, entertaining, attractive, or sexy. Excessive flirting can be a sign of someone who is trying too hard to attract and keep attention focused on himself or herself because they are needy emotionally. Flirting can also be a passive-aggressive way of getting even with a partner. The spouse may have felt rejected sexually and emotionally, so the flirting can be a message to the partner to shape up or risk losing the marriage. It can also be an attempt to get the spouse’s attention, hoping to make him or her jealous and bring about an increase in the marital passion. And, of course, consistent excessive flirting can be a sign of someone with a sexual addiction who is constantly on the prowl looking for his or her next sexual contact and conquest. A spouse in this category needs professional help from an addictions counselor, but the help won’t be effective unless the person wants to be helped. So what can you do about your spouse's flirtatious ways? one of the steps you can take is to write a letter outlining your feelings. In the case of Alicia and Tim mentioned in the opening paragraphs, Alicia could tell Tim how much the fact that he doesn’t introduce her to others as his wife hurts her feelings. She could ask for him to include her in the conversations, to put his arm around her, to hold her hand, or to turn and smile at her occasionally. That way she is telling him some things he could do to lessen her anxiety and distress. Another thing Alicia could do is to become more assertive about speaking up, becoming a part of the conversation when Tim is flirting, and letting people know that she’s Tim’s wife. If Tim says, “This is Alicia” when introducing her, Alicia could say, “Nice to meet you. I’m Tim’s wife.” Note that I’m not advocating that Alicia follow Tim around or try to “catch” him in flirting behavior—that’s a recipe for disaster. But I am suggesting that when she is already present, she can casually drop into conversation that she and Tim are married, such as “It’s fun to have such a witty husband! Tim has always been able to make me laugh.” Don’t get into an argument about whether you are over-reacting to your spouse’s flirting. Say upfront that you realize the two of you have differing perceptions and you’re not accusing him of doing anything wrong. You just know that if you don’t share your feelings and feel heard you may have resentments and hurt feelings that build up and eventually harm the marriage. You want to feel that your spouse has really listened to your concerns, that your spouse cares about your feelings, and that your spouse is willing to try some new behaviors that will provide you the reassurance you need. You could also suggest that the two of you see a marriage counselor if the letter writing and talking don’t accomplish what you want. If your spouse is still convinced that the only thing that needs to change is for you to be more accepting of the flirting behavior, then marriage counseling could help. When suggesting counseling, you might need to focus on wanting to get advice from the counselor to help you make the changes you need to. If you focus on wanting to get your spouse to a counselor so he or she will change, your attempts will probably fall flat. The bottom line is that spouses who love each other and are in a healthy marriage will want to listen to their partner, take their feelings into consideration, and take steps to improve communication and intimacy. Showing consistent disrespect and disregard for a partner’s feelings and perceptions indicates there are serious marriage problems lurking beneath the excessive flirting behavior—and it’s time to seek professional help. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Marriage Counseling: What Do Husbands Really Want in a Wife? Because many men do not discuss feelings as easily as most women do, wives are often shocked when their husband actually voices his desire to separate or divorce. They might have suspected that their spouse wasn’t entirely happy, but they didn’t think he’d ever be the one to end the marriage. Sometimes the husband can’t give a specific answer as to why he feels the way he does. He just finally gets to the point where he can’t continue living the way he is. Sometimes, these feelings are brought to a head by the awareness that he’s getting older and life is passing him by. Or the feelings of discontent can be activated when another female finds him attractive and makes a play for him. “What does he want from me that I’m not giving him?” “How can I be interested in sex when I’m exhausted from everything I do for our three kids every day?” “We’ve made it through some really tough times and I thought things were getting better, so why would he leave now?” All of these questions and many others haunt the surprised wives. To better understand what husbands want, let’s look at some of the priorities men have shared with me in marriage counseling sessions: 1. Men want to be appreciated for what they contribute to the marriage and family. They don’t want to be taken for granted. Some men have said, “I feel like she only values my paycheck and if I weren’t here anymore, she’d be fine with that.” Everyone likes to feel appreciated, and husbands are no exception. It’s easy to focus on what a spouse isn’t doing, especially if a husband and wife are disagreeing about how much each should help with the kids or around the house. The wise wife will express appreciation for what her husband is currently doing and for the positive qualities he brings to the marriage, even while discussions continue about things she’d like to see done differently in the future. 2. Husbands enjoy seeing their wives smile and laugh, and they find smiles and laughter appealing. They do enjoy having their wives appreciate their jokes or stories, but they also like to see their wives just looking happy in general. This doesn’t mean going around with a fake grin and pretending everything is fine when it isn’t. But it does mean keeping a sense of humor in spite of problems and being able to shut the door on worries temporarily when you have some “down time” with your spouse. 3. Husbands want to feel that their wives really care about their welfare and about them on a deep level. They want their wife to spend time with them, to be concerned about their health, happiness, and well-being. Especially as men age, the feeling that a spouse doesn’t really care about them cuts deeply, even if the husband never shows that he’s hurt by the lack of affection and caring. They don’t want to feel that the kids always come first and that their preferences and needs are overlooked. In numerous homes, this dynamic is what gets off balance and leads to serious relationship problems. The wife thinks she’s doing what’s best by putting the kids’ needs first, not realizing that the husband is as hurt as he is by this. 4. Husbands want private time with their wives—not just for sex, although that’s important--but also to do activities together on their own. This is where making time for a “date night out” every week or so is important. Then the husband and wife can see a movie they want to see, uninterrupted by the kids, or have a peaceful meal at a restaurant. They can go bowling or dancing or get together with friends and keep their identity as an adult couple, not just as parents. I have seen couples in counseling through the years who have decided not to ever leave their kids with a babysitter or go out on their own. This is always a red flag to me of an unwise course of action in the marriage. A heightened sense of passion between spouses is helped by time alone, “date time,” private time, time for the important part of the relationship that exists beyond the kids to be strengthened and nurtured. 5. Husbands want a satisfying sex life. You knew we’d eventually get to sex, didn’t you? So here it is. A marriage without a passionate sex life is lacking a key ingredient that wives all too often underestimate. And the reality is that a husband who does not have a satisfying sexual relationship with his wife is much more vulnerable to becoming involved with someone else. Yes, I know there are couples who over time stop having sex and yet both partners choose to stay in the marriage, but in many cases, there’s a resulting sense of resignation and dullness in the marriage. The fire or passionate spark that helps a couple to stay together is missing, so there’s often a lack of “life” or energy in the relationship. Wives can argue until they’re blue in the face that sex shouldn’t mean so much to husbands, but the reality is that it usually does have a high priority on the husband’s list. Why? Because it feels good, because it makes him feel attractive and desired, because it enhances satisfaction with the marriage, because it can help the husband to feel closer and more connected to his wife, and because it relieves stress. Use these five areas above to open discussion with your husband about how he feels in the marriage and whether his needs are being met. After all, that's one of the keys to marriage success—opening the communication door so that each spouse can share from his or her viewpoint and feel heard by the partner. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Marriage Counseling: How to Reduce Hurt Feelings When You and Your Spouse Disagree One of the biggest on-going problems for couples is how to reduce the hurt feelings that can result from arguments and disagreements. The fall-out from a no-holds barred “kill your opponent” verbal altercation can last for decades. I have worked with numerous couples in marriage counseling who have struggled with forgiving each other for damaging words they have said during a fight. Many times, the fallout from an argument or shouting match is left to accumulate like toxic dust on the relationship, with each ensuing episode adding another layer. Eventually, the residue interferes with every component of the marriage as resentment and unaddressed issues build up. The words you say and the tone of voice you use during an argument are important. So is the way you deliver your message (screaming and hollering, for example) and any non-verbal gestures you use (shaking your finger in your partner’s face). If you make fun of your spouse and show disrespect for him, you are hurting the chances for real communication between you. The same is true if you make threatening gestures and try to intimidate your spouse with your anger. Honest, healthy communication requires a feeling of safety from attack. A spouse who is afraid her partner will make fun of her ideas or feelings, either at the time or later during an argument, isn’t going to share what she is really thinking or feeling. So how can you and your spouse create an atmosphere of safety and protection so that you can each express your real feelings and thoughts? And how can you disagree so that you don’t permanently damage your marriage? You can take action and ask your spouse if the two of you can work together to develop a list of fair fighting rules that you both agree to abide by. Here are some guidelines often used in marriage counseling sessions for you to consider: 1. Even when you’re in the white heat of anger, think about the possible damage that you could do if you let your anger out unrestrained. The challenge is for each of you to express yourself without damaging the fabric of your relationship. The fabric of the relationship has to be protected. There’s no place in a healthy marriage for a partner who wants to win an argument at all costs, no matter what he or she has to say or do to “win.” The same goes for a partner who wants to “win” by hurting the spouse as much as possible. 2. Emphasize showing respect for each other, even if you can’t figure out how your spouse could possibly feel the way he or she does. You don’t have to understand it and you don’t have to agree—you just have to respect your spouse’s right to have differing ideas and opinions. 3. Ban name-calling, cursing, belittling, sarcasm, mockery, screaming, and pushing, slapping, or other physical or emotional abuse. These actions will only cause division and hard feelings between you and will harm your relationship. They will not help you to find constructive ways to settle your differences. 4. Avoid using words such as “always” and “never,” such as “You’re always late. You’re never on time for anything. I’m sick and tired of always waiting for you.” The words “always” and “never” are examples of over-generalizing, and they close communication doors instead of opening them. They also divert the discussion from the real issues and turn the focus onto whether or not the other person can come up with an example of a time when he or she wasn’t late but the partner was. 5. Keep the discussion limited to the issue at hand. Many relationships have an informal “historian” who can recount every mistake the other spouse has ever made. When this happens, the discussion is diverted from the present issue to an argument about what did or didn’t happen in the past, which greatly reduces the odds that the present disagreement will be resolved. Stick with current events instead of revisiting past history that can’t be changed. 6. Listen to each other and let each person speak his or her mind. This can be difficult to do when you’re frustrated, impatient, and agitated. But until you have heard each other out, you don’t have all the information you need to try to reach a respectful compromise. 7. Take a break from the discussion when it gets too emotional or “heavy.” Go to the bathroom, step outside on the deck, or do some deep breathing exercises to help relieve the stress. Let yourself cool down and give yourself a chance to regroup before continuing the discussion. 8. Apologize immediately when you slip and say something that might hurt your spouse’s feelings. Say, “I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to come out sounding like that. Please forgive me. Let me try again.” 9. Look for a “win-win” compromise resolution. Some issues are more important to one spouse than the other, and it builds up good will to go with your partner’s views when it doesn’t really matter as much to you. If your spouse wants you to record the checks you write in a certain way so that it’ll be easier for him or her to handle the bill-paying, it probably makes sense to go along with it, even if it’s not the way you’d do it. That will build up good will so that the next time you have a differing opinion about something that’s really important to you, you’ll have a better chance of acquiring support from your spouse. 10. If the subject is too emotional for you and your spouse to resolve between you, then consider enlisting the help of a professional counselor to serve as mediator. It may only take two to three sessions to clear the air, generate some new options, and make a decision. And the best part is that by using a counselor to help you work out an acceptable compromise, you avoid the long-term strain and emotional drain that could damage your marriage for years. Until you and your spouse can discuss emotional issues and have differing opinions without being disrespectful to each other, it will be impossible to tackle the really crucial issues in your marriage with any lasting success. Without mutual respect and the assurance that you won’t be ridiculed, you will both be reluctant to express your true feelings and show vulnerability. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Marriage Counseling: How to Keep Jealousy From Destroying Your Marriage Jealousy has often been called the “green-eyed monster,” and with good reason. The “monster” is fueled by envy and can over time devour the trust and harmony in a relationship. According to B.C. Forbes, “Jealousy...is a mental cancer.” It spreads quickly and can be fatal to a marriage. Once it gets a foothold, the jealous spouse becomes even more jealous, often over insignificant things. Comedian Rodney Dangerfield captures what happens in these remarks: “My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.” You’re more prone to jealousy and envy when you are feeling insecure and fearful. Several years into my first marriage, I remember feeling unusually jealous of a woman that my husband worked with. The co-worker had dark, sultry looks, long flowing hair, and a figure that drove males wild. As if that wasn’t enough, she was also funny and outgoing, with great communication and social skills. At office parties, the husbands could be found circled around her, competing for her attention. At the time, I was too embarrassed to tell my husband that I had been ambushed by such intense envy. Eventually, the co-worker moved on to another company, but I still vividly remember how much I wanted to be like her and how depressed I felt each time I compared my attributes to hers. “To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is, a dissatisfaction with self,“ states Joan Didion. Jealousy brings out the worst in us and causes us to resent someone else for having what we think we don’t have—looks, charm, money, prestige, romance, charisma, success. When we’re jealous, whatever measuring stick we use makes us feel lacking and “less than.” Fear is also involved when we feel jealous—fear that we’ll never have what the other person has, fear that we’re not as good as someone else, fear of losing our spouse to another, fear that we’re not attractive or desired, and fear of being ridiculed. Joseph Addison defines jealousy as “...that pain which a man feels from the apprehension that he is not equally beloved by the person whom he entirely loves.” When we’re jealous, we feel insecure and lack self-esteem. A counseling client once shared that he was being torn apart by jealousy. Whenever his wife was even a few minutes late, he visualized her stopping to flirt with someone in the grocery store or became convinced that she was using the time to secretly call another man. His rational mind knew that there was nothing to base these anxieties on, that his wife loved him and had never betrayed his trust. But he was unable to stop his “worst scenario” fantasies. As we dug deeper into his past experiences, it turned out that his first long-term girlfriend in college had secretly cheated on him with a close friend of his. Thus, he was transferring his fears from the previous experience onto his wife. He became extremely jealous and afraid that he was going to lose her in the same way. Ironically, the marriage had become so unbearable for his wife that she did eventually turn her affections toward someone else. The client’s inability to control his jealousy brought about the very thing he was afraid would happen. By the time he finally came for counseling, his obsessive jealousy had already killed the marriage. For a marriage to be healthy, there has to be trust, and jealousy undermines that trust. The following seven tips can help you to keep jealousy from undermining your relationship with your spouse: 1. When you first notice that you’re feeling jealous, immediately try to identify what insecurity or fear is being triggered. Is it a fear of abandonment? A fear that you don’t measure up? Your own insecurities about not feeling successful or attractive enough? When insecurities or fears are activated, you’re more likely to overreact in a way that could hurt your relationship. 2. Instead of focusing on the behavior that you want your spouse to stop so that you won’t feel the uncomfortable pangs of jealousy, examine your self-talk. Are you telling yourself, “My wife shouldn’t be flirting with him like that,” or “My husband will probably leave me for someone else one day”? You can change how you feel by changing what you tell yourself about the situation. 3. Take a close look at your past history. Did one of your parents cheat on the other one? Did a spouse in your first marriage betray you? Or did you cheat on a partner in the past? If so, it is likely that you are projecting your past experiences and feelings on to your present spouse. Try to keep the past separate from the present. 4. Do a reality check. Instead of getting upset about the future scenario your mind has jumped to, list what exact behaviors you’re upset about. Your list might read, “My wife talked to a handsome bachelor that she had just met when we were at our friend’s party. She smiled and laughed and looked like she was having a good time.” So the objective list of behaviors includes talking, smiling, laughing, and looking like she was having a good time—not exactly unusual party behavior. 5. Stay rooted in the present moment, and reel in your imagination before it runs away with you. You don’t want to damage your relationship by accusing your spouse of something he or she didn’t do. Besides harming the trust and harmony of your marriage, if you routinely accuse your spouse of imaginary transgressions, you could end up pushing him or her into the very behavior you’re zeroing in on. 6. Think before you speak. Notice the difference in the two following approaches: A) “I felt neglected last night at the party when you never spent any time with me. In fact, if I’m really honest, I was starting to feel slightly jealous, and I don’t like that feeling. I really need to talk about this with you.” or B) “I am so sick of you always flirting with every man in sight when we go to a party. People are going to think you’re nothing but a tramp.” Think about which approach will be most likely to result in a meaningful discussion. 7. Remind yourself that your spouse chose you, so he or she finds you and your qualities attractive. Also remember that confidence and self-respect is attractive to others. When you throw a jealous fit, you appear insecure and needy, as if you need constant reassurance of your spouse’s commitment. Repeat to yourself, “My wife (or husband) loves me and chose me to spend her life with. I’m lucky to have such a personable, attractive spouse who loves me.” **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Unhappy Marriage: Should You Stay or Leave? There’s no one simple answer to the question that I’m often asked, “Should I stay in my marriage, even though I’m unhappy, or should I leave?” It’s impossible to give a “one size fits all” response because every marriage is different. But there are some general guidelines that you can consider if you’re in this situation. Use these thirteen tips to reflect on your marriage, your energy level, your commitment, and the degree of your dissatisfaction. 1. Don’t give up prematurely. You have invested time, energy, money, hopes and dreams in your marriage. The only way many people can initiate divorce without feeling unduly guilty is to know that they have tried everything they possibly could to make the marriage better. It just makes good sense to focus on how you can improve the relationship you’re in now. 2. Consider your children and how a divorce could impact them. Divorce is never easy. Preschool children and kids who are still in school will be affected in ways grown children are not, such as possible changes in schools if a parent moves, a parent possibly having to work two jobs to make it financially, the loss of daily contact with both parents, etc. 3. If your spouse has an addiction or is abusive, utilize all resources and support groups that offer help. For example, If your spouse is an alcoholic, join Al-Anon, which provides support for family members, and get your teenage children involved in Alateen so they can get the support they need to deal with the home situation. Of course, a top priority is keeping your children safe, so do not keep them in any situation that is dangerous for them. 4. Focus on how you can change yourself to be a better partner instead of how you want to “fix” your spouse. When you work on improving yourself and changing non-productive habits and approaches, then your spouse will have to relate to you differently. You may have gotten in a habitual mode of pushing each other’s buttons in the same way and always eliciting the same response. But if you change your normal response, then the interaction between the two of you will change. 5. Have on-going support from a counselor who knows your issues and what you are going through. This will give you the help and encouragement you need to keep trying new things and experimenting with new approaches. 6. Encourage your spouse to consider marriage counseling. If finances are a problem, call your local Chamber of Commerce or the mayor’s office and ask which agencies in your community offer sliding scale fees based on income. Also, some churches offer counseling services, and some ministers provide counseling. Don’t automatically assume that you can’t afford counseling. 7. Examine whether or not you are depending too much on your spouse to meet your needs or “make you happy.” No one else can make you happy; it’s an inside job. And no one person can meet all the needs of another. That’s why you need friends, hobbies, and outside activities. Expand your world and see if this takes some of the pressure off of your marriage. 8. Keep a gratitude journal each day, listing all of the things you are thankful for in your life. Each day, try to find five or six new things to list that you haven’t written down before. During the day, notice what happens that’s a blessing: the friendly sales clerk who efficiently handles your refund with a smile, the parking space that suddenly opens up just when you need it, or an unexpected compliment from a co-worker. 9. Make a list of your spouse’s positive qualities and contributions to your marriage, including things he or she has done that you appreciate. Read over this list every morning and every evening, anchoring these good points in your mind. At some point, share your list with your spouse. 10. Make a consistent effort to be positive and encouraging. Sandwich any criticism or request for a change in behavior between two compliments. For example, “You’re always so responsible about mowing the yard each weekend. Could you also sweep the grass clippings off the sidewalk? Thanks for all you do to help keep the yard looking so good.” 11. Work on keeping your heart open in love to your spouse. It’s easy to close down emotionally when you’re angry or hurt. Visualize beams of love or golden light radiating out from your heart to your spouse’s heart. You can dislike the behavior but still love the person. When you send the energy of judgment and criticism to another, the response will be very different than when you send the energy of unconditional love. 12. Try writing your thoughts, feelings, and requests in a letter to your spouse. There are many spouses who have responded positively to a letter who have been notorious for tuning out the spouse’s verbal pleas for years. It’s a different medium of communication, and it often commands more attention. 13. When you have given your marriage your best efforts for at least a year and nothing has changed, then ask yourself the famous Ann Landers question, “Are you better off with him (or her) or without him?” Life is too short to stay stuck in a miserable marriage for years if you are the only one who wants your relationship to be different. Even at this point, though, sometimes the shock of having a spouse initiate a legal separation makes the other partner finally realize the seriousness of the situation and agree to work on the marriage. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Marriage Counseling Tips: What to Do When Your Spouse Won't Talk How to get a spouse’s attention so that he or she will communicate with you is an issue that mystifies many couples. Spouses report trying many techniques, such as trying to talk rationally and logically, watching to see when a spouse is in a good mood, and waiting for a time when the television is off. They also share stories of begging, pleading, threatening, and finally, yelling and screaming. If you are having problems getting your spouse to talk to you and to share feelings and opinions, here are some additional things you can do to facilitate communication. First, you have to grab your spouse’s attention, which is what these tips are designed to do. 1.When you’re talking to your spouse and start getting overly-emotional, lower your voice instead of raising it. This breaks the pattern of tempers escalating, followed by loud yelling. If your spouse asks what you’re doing, just say that you read that lowering your voice was a way to defuse anger. Maybe your partner will decide to try it, too. 2.Write your spouse a letter or e-mail stating your feelings, requests, or questions. Include how not talking about or resolving the issues is affecting you. For example, you might say, “When you call me horrible names, I feel like I’ve been betrayed. I don’t want anything to lessen my love for you, but I know that if this continues, I won’t feel the same way toward you. Can we please agree not to call each other names (or can we make an appointment with a marriage counselor, etc.)?” 3.Buy a cute, funny, or clever greeting card and include a note asking if you can schedule a time to talk to him when you both will be uninterrupted. Some spouses have an easier time talking to their partner in a restaurant over dinner, so you could suggest making plans for going out for a meal. Obviously, you wouldn’t want to discuss your most emotional issues in public, but maybe you could use the occasion to handle some relatively routine things. And then agree on a future time to talk about the more sensitive topics. 4.When you give your spouse a card or note asking if you can schedule a time to talk, include his or her favorite candy bar or a package of chewing gum—some small item that shows you pay attention to what your partner likes. With a candy bar, you might attach a note that says, “To my sweet Sweetie—could you please let me know when we can schedule a time to talk? Thanks so much. Enjoy the candy!” 5.Make a written list of your questions and include a “yes” and “no” box next to the question. Also include boxes that say “Undecided” and “Need More Details.” Be as specific as you can. For example, you might make a list of possible activities and places to go on a “date night” and ask your partner to respond. In that case, you would put a category of “Other suggestions” at the bottom so your spouse could include additional ideas. Or you could make a list of possible times during the week that the two of you could reserve for private talks. Another idea is to make a list of things you think are important to resolve, and see if your spouse agrees or disagrees. 6.Look for something to “trade” with your spouse, such as offering to take the kids to a movie so your spouse can have friends over or enjoy some private time to relax. In return, negotiate for an uninterrupted time to discuss pertinent relationship issues—maybe a relative can keep the children or they can spend a weekend afternoon with friends. Or you might offer to do a certain chore that your partner detests doing in exchange for some “talk time,” which your spouse may equate with being slowly tortured. Make a creative trade-off. 7.Just because you think the tips won’t work, don’t prematurely discount them. I have worked with numerous clients in marriage counseling who have tried these tips or variations of them, and the results have often been amazing. Spouses who don’t normally express feelings verbally sometimes respond in writing, much to the astonishment of their partners. In other cases, spouses who receive letters have initiated conversations about how the letter has opened their eyes to things they didn’t realize before. Use these seven tips to jumpstart your thinking about different ways to open communication channels with your spouse. And if one attempt falls flat, try another. That’s what all successful researchers do—and they don’t hide behind the words, ‘It’ll never work.” Experiment with an open mind and you may be surprised at the results. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Marriage Advice: Upgrade Your Marriage By Changing Your Focus As the story goes, a Cherokee elder was sitting with his grandchildren. He told them, “In every life there is a terrible fight—a fight between two wolves. One is evil: he is fear, anger, envy, greed, arrogance, self-pity, resentment, and deceit. The other is good: joy, serenity, humility, confidence, generosity, truth, gentleness, and compassion.” One of his grandchildren asked, “Grandfather, which wolf will win?” The elder looked him in the eye and replied, “The one you feed.” This brief story contains a far-reaching truth. You choose which traits, attitudes, beliefs, and values you will give attention to. And what you focus on will grow and expand. For example, if you value honesty, this value will affect all of your dealings and interactions with others. If you nurture and “feed” resentment, it will eventually take over your life. Continually focusing on marriage problems makes the relationship seem even worse than it actually is. If you continually talk about how you’ve been done wrong and how angry you are at your spouse, your anger will grow and blot out your memories of more positive times. When that happens, you are unable to see a balanced picture. The more energy you devote to focusing on the negatives in your relationship, the worse and more hopeless everything seems. And when you’re feeding your negativity, your creative energy is frozen. Thus, you don’t have the ability to generate helpful options or a fresh perspective. You influence your perception of reality by the thoughts you think, the beliefs you hold, and the attitudes you cultivate. According to Katherine Mansfield, “Could we change our attitude, we should not only see life differently, but life itself would come to be different. Life would undergo a change of appearance because we ourselves had undergone a change of attitude.” In each moment, you decide whether to make negative or positive interpretations about the events and people in your life. These interpretations shape your experience of reality and impact your capacity to be all you can possibly be. They also affect your expectations about what is possible. Choosing to develop qualities such as compassion, honesty, serenity, and joy can transform your marriage and your life. And choosing to reduce the resentment, anger, deceit, and fear in your life can lighten your emotional load and leave you will more energy to generate creative solutions to your marriage problems. As you become more positive, you bring more positive energy into your interactions with your spouse. When this happens, surprising things can happen in your marriage. The sharp, prickly edge of anger can start to soften between you and your partner. New insights and understandings about a situation can occur, and you can be more likely to find the middle ground of compromise. The following tips can assist you in training yourself to focus more on what’s right with your marriage and your life: 1.Take the time each day to list the things that you are grateful for in your life. Remember to include the things people often take for granted, such as three meals a day, a hot shower, heat, a stove and refrigerator, running water, medical care, and friends. 2.Each day, remind yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities and contributions to your life. Think back to what attracted you to your partner initially. Reflect on how your spouse has caused you to stretch and grow and on how much you’ve learned from the experience. 3.Write in your journal about what positive qualities in yourself you want to cultivate and develop. These are the attitudes, beliefs, and values that you want to focus on and encourage to take root, grow, and thrive in your life. 4.Visit a library or bookstore and select some inspirational reading material and inspirational tapes or CD’s. Find the time each day to read or listen to something that is positive, encouraging, and inspiring. It’s important to refill at the well of inspiration daily. 5.Spend less time with friends and family members who are negative and leave you feeling depressed and fatigued. There’s a name for those individuals who drain your positive energy—“energy vampires.” Instead, cultivate new friends who are positive, supportive, and encouraging and who bring out the best in you. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Ten Beliefs That Can Contribute to an Unhappy Marriage Have you ever wondered why your marriage isn’t happier? If so, you’re not alone. Numerous spouses are struggling with the same question. At least part of the answer may lie in the words you use in your self-talk and in what you say to your spouse. And what you believe, the lies you tell to yourself or to your spouse, and what you deny or rationalize will all affect your marriage intimacy and happiness. Read the following ten statements and see if you recognize yourself in any of them. If so, it’s never too late to make positive changes. 1. It doesn’t matter if I don’t tell the complete truth once in awhile as long as not knowing doesn’t hurt him in any way. (You’re lying to yourself.) 2. I’m not going to tell him how much our daughter’s prom dress really cost because it would only upset him. (Lying never solves the real problem.) 3. She’d come unglued if she knew my old girlfriend called me today, so I just won’t mention it. (And when she finds out later, you’ll have some major trust issues to work through.) 4. The only reason I’m telling you that you’re getting fat and need to lose weight is for your own good. (But that’s not the only reason you’re bringing this up, and your spouse knows it.) 5. It doesn’t matter if we don’t have sex very often now that we’ve been married for five years. (You’re only fooling yourself.) 6. I deserve to be treated better, and I’m going to find a way to get even. (The game of getting even always has two losers.) 7. It doesn’t matter what I look like and how I dress now that we’re married. (Neatness and cleanliness always count, and dressing up for a “date” with your spouse can add excitement to your relationship.) 8. We’d be happier if you were more like Jackie’s husband. (You’re implying that you’d like him better if he changed. Your spouse will resent you for the comparison and be even more resistant to changing.) 9. We’re going to do something special together just as soon as the car is paid off (our son graduates from college, the house is paid for, we build up our savings, etc.). (Even on a low-cost budget, you can find special things to do to have fun and build memories now.) 10. I’ll really be happy when I retire in fifteen years. (Focusing on future contentment is a set up for missing opportunities to be happy now in the present moment—happy with yourself, your spouse, your marriage, and your life.) **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. How to Keep Hope Alive During a Marriage Crisis During a marriage crisis, you can feel like your whole world is falling apart and all of your dreams are being shattered. Hearing the words “I don’t love you anymore,” “I want a divorce,” or “I don’t know if I want to stay married” can leave you reeling from the shock. Many feelings surface after the initial stunned reaction: anger, fear, anxiety, confusion, resentment, bitterness, desperation, and depression. Everything seems mixed up and slightly unreal, as though this is really happening to someone else, not to you. But, unbelievably, it is happening to you. This is when you have to use every ounce of courage and strength that you possess and a lot that you didn’t know you had until now. Immediately, you have to create space for some private time so that you can take care of yourself, regroup, and create a plan of action. You might need to take a day off from work, spend some time talking with a close friend, buy a notebook and start writing down your feelings and thoughts, or take a long walk in the park. Another option is to call and schedule a counseling appointment for yourself as soon as possible. Next, spend some time thinking about how you’ll handle the situation. Your goal is to buy time so that your spouse doesn’t bolt out of the door prematurely. You want to slow things down so that your spouse can have time to reconsider and, if at all possible, agree to go to counseling with you. During this time of crisis, you will have to be the “guardian of the marriage flame.” It will be up to you to keep hope and love alive so that the fire won’t go out. You can complain that it’s not fair and that it shouldn’t be this way. But the bottom line is that if you want to save your marriage and your partner wants out, it’s going to be up to you to take positive action. During the crisis, you’ll need to be willing to do much more than your fair share to keep your marriage alive. And that means that despite your fear and anxiety, it’s up to you to keep hope alive—hope that your marriage will make it—hope that your partner will change his or her mind—hope that your marriage can survive this and be even better than ever. Here are some tips on how to keep hope alive and cope during this time: 1. Don’t give up on your marriage no matter what your spouse has said. People often change their mind. No situation is hopeless if at least one partner is willing to do whatever it truly takes to preserve the marriage. There is always hope that your marriage can be transformed by loving energy. Many spouses reconsider their initial impulse to leave and decide that they have invested too much time and energy to just throw their marriage away without at least trying marriage counseling. 2. Don’t take everything your spouse says personally. People often say extreme things when they are upset or trying to justify what they’re doing. A partner who feels guilty about telling you she wants a divorce may get really angry instead. A spouse who has never expressed his true feelings about things may finally explode with a long list of your faults through the years. 3. Really anchor in your mind that how you react to the situation will have a major impact on how things go from here. If you keep badgering a spouse who wants some emotional space, you are giving her the perfect excuse to go ahead and leave. You can’t control what your spouse chooses to do or not to do, but you can control how you choose to handle the situation. 4. Allow yourself to be “confused.” If your spouse asks what you’re going to do next, just say that you’re confused and need time to think, that you don’t want to make any rushed decisions. Being “confused” can defuse a spouse who is just waiting to pick a fight. It also buys you some time. 5. Honor your spouse’s request for emotional space, if that is an issue. Back off and take some time to regroup, stabilize yourself, and take the spotlight off of your partner for the time being. You have much to lose if you let your anxiety take over and demand immediate answers to difficult questions. 6. Make a list of all the different things you can do to ground yourself and get more balanced emotionally and physically. Include things like working out at the gym, getting a massage, walking or hiking, letting close friends be supportive, listening to inspirational tapes on the way to work, reading books about people who have survived hard times, receiving power from your spiritual roots and connections, attending services at your church, temple, or mosque, or starting individual counseling sessions. Then make plans to implement the ones you think will help the most. 7. Decide that whatever happens in your marriage, it’s important to you to know that you gave it your best shot and that you tried everything you knew to do. So instead of trying to constantly try to figure out what the odds are that your marriage will survive, instead put your energy into doing what you can in a helpful way every day. Be proactive and take positive action. 8. Start expanding your life to include some new interests and activities. Don’t wait until everything is settled about your marriage before you start enjoying as much of your life as you can. Your marriage situation may be unresolved, but that doesn’t mean you need to brood and obsess about it all the time. Stretch yourself to broaden your world. When you are enjoying yourself by participating in activities that interest you, you become more interesting to others, including your spouse. 9. Make a conscious choice to remain positive and to have the expectation that something good and helpful will come out of this experience in the long run. Your expectation will affect what happens. If you are doubtful, the energy of doubt will permeate your efforts. Tell yourself that there’s always a creative solution to any problem. Trust in your ability to be creative, flexible, and resilient. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Are You Fully Present in Your Marriage? "Presence is more than just being there," states Malcolm S.Forbes. How true! Have you ever been talking with someone and felt that they were miles away even though they were sitting next to you? They might have appeared to be listening, but you could sense that they weren’t really mentally and emotionally present in the conversation. We all have moments when our mind wanders and we lose focus, but if this happens frequently, our relationships with others will be negatively affected. In a marriage, intimacy is enhanced by feelings of connection and harmed when partners start feeling disconnected. When a spouse is physically present but mentally “out to lunch,” the partner will feel the difference. Something important is missing, and what is missing is the spouse’s full attention to the conversation or activity. Often, the distracted spouse is feeling rushed, bored, impatient, or stressed. When that happens, the natural tendency is to constantly mentally leap ahead to the next items on the “to do” list. If this describes you, then you are missing the experience you are having right now because you are so focused on what you’re gong to do next. By living in the future, you miss the present. Besides robbing yourself of the enjoyment of the current experience, you are also negatively impacting how others feel when they are around you. “I’ll make it up to him (or her) later,” you may tell yourself as you rush through yet another conversation without really looking at your spouse closely or hearing what’s really being said. In the mean time, the feeling of disconnection between the two of you grows and intensifies. One of the ways you can show respect and caring for your spouse is to give the gift of undivided attention. Likewise, you show respect and caring for yourself when you value connecting deeply with others, and that can only be accomplished in the Now. One of the best presents you can give others and yourself is to practice being fully present in your life. It takes practice and discipline to pull yourself back to the present moment when your mind jumps ahead into the future. Breaking any long-standing habit is difficult and can take weeks, even months, of practice. But the pay-off for learning to live more of your life consciously and with more awareness of the present moment is significant. Until you can learn to listen intently and focus your total attention on the other person, you are not connecting at the deepest, most intimate level. As Mary Catherwood observes, “Two may talk together under the same roof for many years, yet never really meet.” This is the tragedy that befalls many marriages. Follow these five tips to be more present when you interact with your spouse: 1. Stop what you are doing and look at your partner when he/she is talking to you. This shows respect and will make it easier to keep focused. 2. When your mind wanders, gently re-direct it back to the present moment. Take a deep breath to help you stay anchored and centered. 3. Ignore stray thoughts that flit across your mind, trying to distract you. If you don’t give them attention, they won’t “hook” you. 4. If you are too distracted to concentrate, tell your spouse, “It’s really important to me to focus on what you’re saying, and I can’t seem to concentrate right now. Could we schedule a time to talk later today?” 5. Keep the bigger picture in mind. You are investing time and energy into creating satisfying intimacy with your spouse. Each interaction either adds a deposit to the intimacy “piggy bank” or makes a withdrawal from it. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. How You Answer This Question Can Change Your Marriage Imagine the following scenario. Your spouse has given you an important letter to mail and is counting on you to mail it on your way to work. But you slip up...you forget all about it until you're on the way home. "Oh, #$@!!" is your first reaction. You know the spouse will be upset. You frantically search the car and your briefcase for the letter, but it's gone. You can't find it anywhere. Now what do you do? What will you tell your spouse when you get home and he (or she) asks you if you mailed the letter? Will you say, "It got lost" or will you say, "I lost it"? Your answer to this question gives insight into your willingness to accept responsibility for your actions. According to Sidney J. Harris, "We have not passed that subtle line between childhood and adulthood until ...we have stopped saying 'It got lost,' and say 'I lost it.'" As long as you avoid taking responsibility for your actions or you look for reasons to avoid admitting you goofed, you're not being honest with yourself. When you accept responsibility and stop rationalizing and blaming, then you can start to focus on what you can do differently that will produce different results next time. This is not easy to do. Especially if you're in the habit of placing blame elsewhere. Accepting responsibility in a marriage takes courage, above all when a spouse is at fault. Mark, a long-time procrastinator, always had a list of reasons why he hadn't been able to get around to doing the house maintenance chores. It was too cold or too hot, he was too tired,or he didn't have the right tools or enough time. He would always promise to do the chores another day. Mark's behavior greatly irritated his wife Anne,and she began to resent his constant excuses. It wasn't until Anne expressed her dissatisfaction with their marriage, giving Mark's habitual procrastination as one of the reasons,that Mark really looked closely at how his behavior was hurting his marriage relationship. In marriage counseling sessions, he learned to take responsibility for his part in what happened each day. He also learned to pay attention to the words he selected to describe what happened. Mark learned that when he said, "There wasn't enough time to fix the faucet," he often really meant, "I didn't schedule enough time to complete the job today." And if he went a step further and was even more honest, he also meant,"I don't really want to do this, so I'm putting it off." Once Mark was more aware of his behavior patterns, he was able to have an honest talk with Anne. He told her that while he didn't mind doing some of the repair jobs, he really didn't want to have to spend the time the others would require. They talked it over and decided to hire someone to do the repairs Mark knew he would in all probability never get around to doing. He made a resolution not to make promises unless he really planned to keep them. He also resolved to be honest with Anne upfront instead of dragging things out for months. These changes made a major difference in Mark and Anne's relationship. Anne didn't feel like "the nagging wife" any longer, and Mark didn't mislead her by making false promises. Less friction in the marriage allowed them time to focus on each other's good points and to enjoy more harmony in their relationship. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. What Do the Words "I Don't Love You Anymore" Really Mean? Have you been blindsided by an unhappy spouse who suddenly announced, “I don’t love you anymore”? If so, then you know that these words can split a marriage wide open, along with the heart of the partner who may not have suspected that anything was wrong. Like most spouses in your situation, you may be confused and struggling to understand what those five ominous words "I don't love you anymore" really mean. Let’s look at four of the possibilities: 1. Your Spouse May Have Confused Feelings The most common situation is that the partner has doubts about his feelings. A more accurate wording might be: “I don’t think that I love you anymore, but I’m not absolutely sure.” If this is what your spouse means, you can often use this doubt, even if it’s only a very small doubt, to buy time for your marriage. Your spouse may be more likely to agree to go to marriage counseling while he takes additional time to determine if he really wants to leave the marriage or not. Rather than framing an appeal to your spouse as doing you a favor, say instead, “Please don’t throw away your investment of time in our marriage yet.” This request reminds him that he’s losing something if he walks away. Help him recall all the energy, hard work, and dreams he has invested in the marriage so far. He may conclude that it just makes good sense for him to wait until he’s absolutely sure about what he wants to do. 2. The Romance May Be Gone Another meaning the words “I don’t love you anymore” can have is that your spouse feels she loves you but that she is not IN love with you any longer. This is usually extremely difficult for the other spouse to comprehend. How can she say that she loves you but not in a romantic way, more like a friend or sibling? What does she mean? When she says “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you,” she may feel that she has been the main one trying to keep romance alive. She may have told you that she wished you communicated more or would take more initiative in planning romantic or fun things to do. She has probably tried to initiate discussions about her needs or how the two of you could feel more bonded. It’s likely that in the past your spouse has suggested you both go to marriage counseling, all to no avail. She probably feels that her pleas have fallen on deaf ears. Her perception may be that you don’t value the relationship because you have been unwilling to make changes that are important to her. She eventually may resign herself to the fact that you aren’t going to change. Her feelings of sexual desire and romantic attraction often diminish over time until the passionate spark is no longer there. She still cares about you, but she doesn’t feel romantic toward you any longer. It's impossible to predict which sparks can be fanned back into flames. Some spouses will leave anyway, saying that it's too late, that the other spouse has waited too long to start taking acton. Other spouses may be deeply touched by the partner's depth of feeling and efforts to change. They may agree to stay in the marriage and see what's possible with both partners working on the relationship. 3. Abuse Almost Always Puts Out the Flame A third possibility is that your spouse has shut down loving feelings towards you because of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse. It’s not hard to predict that partners who are threatened, slapped, verbally put down, constantly criticized, and unappreciated would not be likely to have loving feelings toward the abuser. Often they have no other choice but to leave the marriage in order to protect themselves and their children. If you have a history of being abusive in any way to your spouse or children, it’s time to find an experienced therapist to help you. You will want to look at yourself in the mirror of a trained professional’s eyes. Often abusers themselves were abused as children. Abusive behavior was ingrained in them at a very young age. If this is your case, know that you can’t help the environment you grew up in. What you can do is to make sure your loved ones are protected from it. Often people act out unconsciously the patterns they were taught as kids, only to perpetuate the cycle by acting the same way with their own families. The good news is that this vicious cycle can be stopped if you are willing to get help. 4. Addiction Can Kill Love A fourth possibility is that if you have an addiction, your spouse may have had all he can endure. Addictions can take many different forms. Common addictions include alcohol or drug abuse, gambling, sexual addiction, and compulsive spending. Any of these behaviors can destroy a marriage. The pain, confusion, and problems associated with living with a spouse who drinks until she passes out on the sofa each night can certainly dull romantic excitement. More often than not, the person drinking or using drugs doesn’t think she has a serious problem. When the person is confronted about the drinking or drug use, a standard comeback is “I’m not an alcoholic (or druggie) because I can stop anytime I want to.” This is called denial, and many marriages have been wrecked because of it. For there to be any glimmer of hope that the marriage can be salvaged, the spouse with the addiction must be motivated and willing to seek help. In an ideal world, your partner would be able to tell you in a clear, coherent fashion what his experience in the marriage has been, at what point his feelings for you changed, and why. If your spouse can do this, you’re fortunate. Since people vary in their depth of self-understanding and the ability to communicate feelings, you may have more difficulty in getting immediate answers to your questions. And your spouse may still be trying to put all of the pieces together himself. When he says he doesn’t know why his feelings have changed, he may be telling the truth. You may never know everything involved in your partner’s shift from being in love with you to not wanting to be in the marriage, but it’s important to understand what’s happened as much as possible. That’s where counseling can help. You can tell your spouse that whether your marriage makes it or not, you need to process what has happened and take responsibility for your part. State that it will be really difficult and painful for you if the two of you end your marriage without even trying marriage counseling. Your goal in entering counseling is to learn more about yourself and your partner, to improve your relationship skills, and to buy time for the marriage while you tackle the problems. That puts you in the best position to explore why the embers of love have died and to see if they can be fanned into flames once again. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. The High Cost of Resentment and Anger in Marriage Many spouses carry heavy suitcases filled with a collection of anger and resentment from their marriage. Periodically, they unpack these suitcases and review every situation in which they feel they were treated unfairly. "Resentment is an extremely bitter diet, and eventually poisonous. I have no desire to make my own toxins," declares Neil Kinnock. Hanging on to anger and resentment is toxic, and the resulting sludge can slowly poison you. It's easy to lose your perspective about the bigger picture and to be become obsessed with how things "should" have been and how others "should" have treated you. In your mind, you may visualize yourself zapping the other person with the perfect verbal comeback or having the opportunity to get even in some way. The more you let your mind gallop in this direction, the angrier you get and the more you feel self-righteous and justified in your reaction. When you become mired in anger, resentment, blame, and revenge, you are only hurting yourself. In the process, you put yourself at risk for experiencing health problems, sleeping difficulties, depression, relationship rifts, and daily agitation. You automatically increase your stress level and decrease your enjoyment of life. And the longer you carry a grudge, the heavier it gets. Nothing you do to try to find inner peace will be effective when you are filled with anger and resentment. "If we have not peace within ourselves, it is in vain to seek it from outward sources," states Francois de La Rochefoucauld. As long as you hold on to bitter feelings, you are sabotaging yourself by destroying any chance that you can experience peace of mind. Dr. Wayne Dyer, in "10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace," states: "It's your ego that demands that the world and all the people in it be as you think they should be." He continues by saying, "It is perhaps the most healing thing that you can do to remove the low energies of resentment and revenge from your life completely." Dr. Dyer compares resentment to venom that continues to circulate in your system long after the snakebite has occurred. He emphasizes that it's not the bite that kills you; it's the venom. What, then, is the antidote? How can you find peace of mind? How can you handle your feelings of anger and resentment from the experiences in your marriage? How can you create a peaceful marriage now? The answer lies in letting go of resentment and practicing forgiveness. You can't change what has happened, and you can't control what your spouse chooses to do. But you do have control over the choices you make. You can choose to cut the emotional bond that is keeping you tied to your anger and resentment. Instead, you can decide to experience the joy of freedom from the heavy burdens you have been carrying around for so long. To get the help you need in letting go of the past, you always have the option of asking a therapist or minister to assist you. Thomas Fuller observes, "He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven." Without forgiveness, your life becomes an endless cycle of anger, resentment, and retaliation. You practice forgiveness so that you can stop ruminating about the past and put your energy into the present moment. And you practice forgiveness so that you will be free from the poisonous effects of resentment. Then, you can experience peace of mind and bring that inner peacefulness into your marriage. You will never have a peaceful marriage until you are at peace within yourself. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Enhancing Communication in Marriage In marriages, many arguments and hurt feelings can be traced back to communication problems. It's not unusual for spouses to stay in a continual state of frustration, feeling misunderstood and unappreciated. Unexpressed feelings can pile up and poison the relationship. When you repress your anger, it will always come out later, usually after something minor has upset you. You may find that it's difficult to have a complete conversation without you or your spouse leaving the room before the conflict is resolved. The emotional buttons that your spouse pushes in you can make you want to bolt and get away from your uncomfortable feelings and reactions. Learning to communicate more effectively with your spouse requires that you be fully present and attentive. You have to be committed to really listening and hearing, not only with your ears but also with your heart. You want to eliminate any communication blocks that prevent you and your partner from growing in understanding and intimacy. Communication blocks are anything that you do, verbally or non-verbally, to keep you from connecting deeply with another person. Some examples of communication blocks in marriage are: * Rolling your eyes and looking resigned or exasperated when your spouse is talking; * Sighing deeply and loudly when your spouse is sharing his/her viewpoint; * Looking at your watch or a clock repeatedly; * Not stopping what you're doing when your spouse is trying to have a serious talk with you; * Not making eye contact and not giving your partner your undivided attention; * Using the time when your spouse is talking to think about other things unrelated to the conversation; * Tuning your spouse out because you've heard the same thing repeatedly and are convinced it's the same old speech; * Becoming defensive and angry immediately instead of showing your partner the respect of hearing him/her out; * Belittling your spouse, name calling, cursing, shaking or pointing a finger, or getting in his/ her face. * Interrupting your partner before he/she is finished talking. It has been said that for every minute you are angry with someone, you lose sixty seconds of happiness that you can never get back. It just makes good sense to do everything you can to preserve the good will and intimacy of your marriage when conflict, anger, hurt feelings, and disagreements occur. If you truly love your partner, you will not want to rip him/her to shreds verbally, or to ignore or discount differing opinions and beliefs. You will want to do everything you can to insure that you have quality communication in your relationship and that you are communicating your caring, love, and respect to your spouse Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "The most important thing in any relationship is not what you get but what you give." While you cannot control how someone else will react to your efforts, you can commit to doing all you can to create a safe environment where intimacy can flourish. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. How to Nurture Intimacy When You're in a Long-Distance Marriage The biggest problem long-distance spouses often face is how to keep emotional intimacy alive when they are separated. If you are in a long-distance marriage, you are probably already using email and the telephone as much as possible to stay in touch. But what else can you do to stay connected with your partner and not lose that special bond between you? One suggestion is to take the extra time to also send "snail mail" greeting cards, letters, and postcards when possible. Buy an assortment of cards when you have a chance, and that will make it easier to send out one or two cards each week. Vary the type of cards that you send--some romantic, some funny. You could also send postcards to add variety and show scenes of the geographic area where you are working. In your letters and emails, don't only talk about what activities you've been involved in, but be sure to share your feelings about what's going on in your life. Ask feeling-related questions, such as "Do you ever worry that one day we'll have been married 20 years and we'll discover that we don't really know each other?" Also share memories and experiences from childhood and the years before you met. Write your spouse a letter telling her (or him)what you love about her,what attracted you to her, what you admire about her, and why you want to stay married to her. Before you send it to her, make a copy for yourself and read it once a day to remind yourself of all the positives about your spouse. Ask her to do the same for you. Look for ways to create reminders that will trigger thoughts of each other when you're apart. For example, you might consider naming a star for your spouse at the International Star Registry (www.starregistry.com). Then, each starry night, you will both feel connected as you look for "your star." You might come up with some other symbols to trigger your thoughts, such as agreeing to think of each other every time you see a certain type of bird. Or pick a car with special meaning and think of each other every time you see a red Camaro, for example. Perhaps you will both agree to listen to a certain song on a CD before you go to sleep each night, knowing the other person is doing the same thing. Brainstorm about ways you can feel connected even when you're not talking on the phone or emailing each other. Mail your husband (or wife) a tape of yourself reading a love poem or sweet letter you have written to him. Send small surprise gifts when you can. They don't have to be expensive; they just need to show that you're thinking of him. You could order gifts of gourmet candy, nuts, popcorn, flowers, or other items from the Internet. Or you could give a magazine subscription to your spouse so she (or he) will think of you each time the publication arrives. Another idea is to send her a new CD that you think she'll like or a paperback book. Consider creating your own web site where you can post photos you both take with a digital camera. The pictures could show scenes from your life apart and also pictures from the times you are together. Over time, this would document your history as well as your current life as a couple. One site that provides free web hosting for family web sites is www.myfamily.com. Other ideas include having a print shop like Kinko's put a photograph of you and your spouse on coffee mugs, or having a photograph put on a T-shirt or sweatshirt for each of you. If you have some common interests in reading or listening to audio books, pick a book to read or listen to at the same time and then discuss it as you go along. Put on your creative thinking cap and experiment to see what works best for the two of you. By using your imagination, you can deepen your emotional connection with your spouse, even though you're physically separated by thousands of miles. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. 10 Valentine's Day Tips for Spouses Who Want to Improve Their Marriage The best and most valuable gifts are often not material ones. While many spouses focus on Valentine’s Day gifts such as jewelry or candy, spouses who are willing to invest the time and energy can give one of the most precious gifts possible—an improved, satisfying marriage. Long after the romantic card is tucked away and the box of candy is empty, this marriage-enriching gift will still be appreciated and enjoyed. Follow these ten steps to give yourself and your spouse an unforgettable Valentine’s Day gift: 1. Direct your energy into becoming the kind of marriage partner you’d like to have. It’s easy to criticize a spouse for not being perfect while we overlook our own imperfections. 2. Focus on how you need to change in order to be a better partner. The only person you can ultimately change is yourself. 3. Accept responsibility for your own actions. You take a giant leap forward in growth the day you can say, “I’m sorry for my actions” instead of rationalizing and offering excuses. 4. Minimize blame and resentment. They are toxic and can poison your marriage and your life. 5. Practice forgiveness, not to let your partner off the hook, but because you want to move forward without carrying the weight of past hurts. 6. Break your marriage goals down into small steps and begin taking action. It’ll be easier to continue moving forward when you start seeing progress. 7. Adopt the philosophy expressed in the Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me serenity to accept what I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” 8. Focus on what you can do and give instead of keeping tabs about who is doing the most or making the greatest effort in your marriage. 9. Strive for balance in your own life between family, friends, work, sports, hobbies, recreation, and other interests. Then you won’t be as likely to obsess about the imperfections in your partner. 10. Reward and praise yourself often for hanging in there in a challenging situation. You deserve it! **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. Improve Your Relationship by Taking Care of Yourself First It’s important for you to take care of yourself before you try to fix your relationship. The old saying ‘You can’t give away what you don’t have” applies here. Until you are peaceful and happy, you won’t have a peaceful, happy relationship. If you skip these steps and jump immediately into the murky waters of your troubled relationshp, you are at high risk for going under. That’s why it’s so important to do all you can to stabilize yourself before you get in over your head. Before you confront core relationship issues, first follow these two steps to increase your chances of success: 1. Commit to being okay no matter what happens. Make yourself a promise that you’re going to take good care of yourself and be okay no matter what happens in your relationship. If your happiness absolutely depends on your partner being a part of your life, then you’ll feel fearful and powerless. As a result, you’ll be more likely to engage in ineffective behaviors such as begging and pleading. The more this happens, the less your partner is to want to stay in the relationship. Why is this? One reason is that you will be perceived as emotionally needy and dependent. Whatever someone else does for you will never be enough because you’ll always want more from that person—more time, more love, more concern, more of everything. Your partner can sense this and will be afraid of being consumed by your never-ending demands for attention and care. Another reason is that it’s too heavy of a burden to feel totally responsible for another person’s happiness. Most people want to run the other way when that’s the case. A partner who does try to be everything to the other person will eventually feel resentment and anger at being put in such a demanding position. And any sense of playfulness and fun, which is so vital to an enduring relationship, will be snuffed out. By showing respect for yourself and belief in your ability to thrive whether in a relationship or not, you’ll be coming from a place of empowerment and strength. These attritubes attract others and engender respect, making you a more desirable partner. 2.Commit to putting more fun in your life even when you’re feeling miserable. Don’t wait until your relationship is perfect to plan fun activities for yourself. Sign up for a community class to learn about kayaking, gourmet cooking, or drumming. Make a list of places in your town or a nearby one that you’d like to visit. Branch out, learn new skills, and broaden your world. When you’re active and having fun, you’ll be happier. An extra benefit will be that you’ll also appear more attractive to your partner. Individuals who are happy have a natural sex appeal that makes them desirable and draws others to them. When you’re living life with gusto and a sense of adventure, irregardless of the state of your relationship, your partner is more likely to want to spend time with you. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to wait and see what happens in your relationship before you take steps to create a more satisfying life. After all, would you rather spend time with someone who is miserable and uhappy or with someone who is doing interesting, fun things and enjoying life? Enthusiasm and a sense of fun are powerful aphrodisiacs that attract others like a magnet. The more centered, balanced, and happy you are, the more you increase the odds that you’ll be able to create a happy, healthy relationship. **************** Go toKeep Your Marriage website by Dr Nancy Wasson now for marriage saving advice. |