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Men Made Easy Relationship ArticlesMake Someone Happy His Actions Speak Louder Than Words Is He For Real? How To Emasculate a Man I just finished watching Sleepless in Seatle and at the end Jimmy Durante sings “Make Someone Happy”. Here’s the lyrics: Make someone happy, Fame if you win it, Make someone happy, I think one of the reasons so many relationships fail is that people are focused on what they want, rather than what they can give. I often help women determine what qualities they are looking in for a man but sometimes I forget to tell them to make a list of what they are willing to give and what they feel they have to offer a man. It’s a good exercise and one that I think each of us, even if we are in a relationship and married for years, could benefit from doing. If you are more focused on making your partner happy than on how they can make you happy (or worse, how they are failing to make you happy) then I think most relationships would have a whole lot better chance of success. Why not make your list right now. Or if you are involved, why not make a game of the two of you making a list and then sharing it. This could be a wonderfully romantic thing to do over wine and cheese in the park. If you do this, would you write back and share how it went? Which comes first, feeling womanly or feeling sexy? Does one make the other blossom more fully? The reason I ask is because this weekend my boyfriend told me how sexy I was being. Until he said something I didn’t notice what was going on for me. When I started paying attention I did notice that what I was feeling was more womanly. I was really comfortable with myself (an important part of what I call Feminine Grace) and after spending 2 and a half weeks in Bali together, and even before that spending 3 weeks at his place (one day each week going back to Santa Barbara to check mail, water plants, see my mother and kids) while I worked on redecorating his house, I was also feeling more and more comfortable with him and our “usness”. For most of the time we have been together he has been uncomfortable with my independence. He’s explained that he’s always been a couple because he has never had kids and never dated any before me that had kids and had a strong sense of family and nurturing. He likes being a couple and having a strong sense of coupleness with any woman he has been with. I have worked hard over the years that I have been single to develop my independence and I’m proud and happy with it. He doesn’t want me to ever give that up, but it hurts him when I am feeling independent (separate, doing “the thing” that I talk about in my therapy sessions). Now, as I’ve been settling into being more of a couple, the way I felt when I was married, I’m even more exciting to him. So now I get to notice that as I feel more comfortable, I feel more womanly, and as a consequence, at least to my boyfriend, I am more sexy. I’ve also noticed men looking at me differently so maybe it’s showing up all over the place. Men have taught me that they find confident, open, happy women the most attractive. With the help of a lot of work on myself, I’ve become all those things but “the thing” that stand-off-ishness, has definitely gotten in the way of having closer relationships with people of both genders. But I digress, as I’m prone to do. My questions to you is: Which comes first for you, feeling womanly or feeling sexy? And what does each feel like, what do you do to transmit those feelings to men or your man? How do men respond, etc. When I interviewed men for my book, a standard question I asked was, “What Don’t you like about women?” A complaint that came up a lot is that so many women blame the new man for what the previous man did, or what the ex from years ago did. Let’s look at this. You’re on a date so it is a fair assumption that you are looking for a man with whom to share some aspect(s) of your life. Maybe you don’t want to get married, but you’d like to have a companion with whom you can enjoy movies, dinners, occasional sex, and maybe a vacation once in a while. No matter what you’re looking for, what man in his right mind, would want to have anything to do with a woman who is angry at men or who wants to blame him for something some other man did. I get complaints from women all the time that they can’t figure out why a man simply doesn’t call ever again. There are lots of reasons but maybe it’s because you’re one of those angry women. You’re not sure? Ask a male friend, or a brother. They’ll know because this stuff can’t be hidden for long. If you really are looking for a man to share your life with, you need to let go of the anger towards men. Sure, there are a lot of horrible men out there who do really bad things, some are jerks, rude, obnoxious, and some are simply clueless. But if you want a man to be open to getting to know you better, you had better quit making all men guilty even before they’ve had a chance to show you who they are. If you can see that you are one of those angry women, and you’d like to turn your love life around, you might want to read my chapter on Feminine Grace. It might help. Just go to http://www.AliveWithLove.com/beauty/feminine.html . We each need to take responsibility for our actions and how we treat people. This chapter could make a difference for a variety of reasons. it’s free so take a look. A woman sent me an email explaining that she didn’t trust men and that she didn’t like that about herself. I don’t blame her. I think that would feel just awful and certainly would keep her from enjoying a healthy, loving relationship. The following is my advice to her. If you find yourself feeling like you don’t trust men, maybe my advice will help you: Hi Cindy, My intuition tells me that it’s more about trusting yourself. You need to learn to tap into your Inner Wise Woman, to hear your inner voice, which is your intuition. You need to learn to pay attention when your intuition is telling you to beware. If you ignore it, you get yourself into situations that you could have, should have, avoided if you had been listening. Some call them red flags. Most men are basically good and decent. But if you go for the bad boys, or are not that selective in who you date, you will get yourself into situations where a man can take advantage of your gullibility and naivete’. If this does not describe your behavior and you have no discernible reason to not trust men, then you probably need to do some therapy where you dig beneath the surface and sort out what happened in your childhood with your father, an uncle, a brother, a teacher, or some man you looked up to who did something to you to cause you not to trust men. If this is a possibility, pick a therapist with whom you feel really, really comfortable and know that it might take some time. If they do not offer anything that will help you heal and strengthen, only the discoveries, then you need to find someone who will. There is much that can be done with the right person. You Can’t Undo That Awful Message. A woman wrote to me yesterday worried that she might have blown it. She had left an emotional message (with tears) and an email, all asking what his intentions were. How many of us have left that embarrassing message, wishing we could take it back? I know I have. When she did talk to him, the man said that she made him nervous. Men never do well with a lot of emotional craziness but when it’s just the first few dates, usually, he’s outa there. As most men will say, “Who needs that?” Indeed, who does need that? Ladies, ya gotta quit doing the crazy thing. Save that for your girlfriends. A man wants to know that the woman he’s getting to know is stable. That’s one of the things he’s trying to figure out. That’s what dating is all about, by the way, trying to find out if this is a potential match. Too often, a woman meets a man, finds him attractive, then way before she ought to, starts trying to move it along to the “next level.” The next level shouldn’t even be a consideration until you’re absolutely clear about his integrity, his relationship with friends and family, his respect for you, your respect for him, his financial stability, etc. Dating is a time of learning, not a time of forcing it to happen, unless you’re only looking for a roll in the hay. And if that’s the case, then there’s no next stage, other than “will he be okay when I bring out the BIG TOYS.” His Actions Speak Louder Than Words Many women complain that their man doesn’t say sweet, thoughtful, romantic things to them. But be careful of the man who has no difficulty saying “just the right things” but doesn’t treat you well. In my book about men I talk about how you should pay more attention to a man’s actions than his words. Regardless of what nice words he says to you, or not, pay attention to how respectful he is, what he does for you, if he buys you gifts once in a while (and it’s not the dollar amount that matters, it’s that he’s being thoughtful), and even how he treats your family and friends. A good man is someone you can be proud of when you are out with him. He likes doing things to make you happy. When I get emails from women asking “does he love me?” I always ask them what he’s “doing” to show his love. One of the secrets is “Men show love through action.” If he’s not doing anything for you, then he might not really love you, UNLESS… you’re one of those women who does so much for him that he’s gotten lazy. Then you don’t know what he’s capable of. If you’ve been spoiling him you can’t just stop cold-turkey. But you can back off a little bit at a time, then start coming up with opportunities to let him be your hero. If he doesn’t rise to the occasion maybe he’s just comfy and it’s easier to stay with you than it is to go through the work of finding someone new. Take a hard look at your relationship and be honoest with yourself. You have much more control over the condition of your relationship than you might think. Don’t let The Settling get a foothold because it’s a path that leads to heartache and disappointment. If you’re dating and looking for that great guy, notice on the first date how he treats you. You want someone who’s a gentleman. Let him open your door, help you with your coat. Let him be your hero and he’ll feel great about being a man. Keep letting him do nice things for you, thene appreciate the hell out of him. You’ll enjoy being a woman and he’ll enjoy being a man. He’ll think you’re the most amazing woman he’s ever met. See, I’ve been telling you men are easy. I got an email from a woman yesterday that basically said she loves the guy she lives with but he has a girlfriend and what should she do? I get so frustrated when I hear how women lower themselves to be with a man, any man. When a woman doesn’t care enough about herself to get out of this kind of situation, of course the man will treat her disrespectfully. She probably cooks, does laundry, cleans, and spoils him, trying sickeningly to get him to love her. Yuck! In my book, I teach Feminine Grace. Even though the book is about understanding men, it’s more about developing self-confidence, self-love, self-assurance, and becoming someone you’re proud to be. When a woman can become the best version of herself that she can imagine, she will not attract the wrong man. Or if she does, she will think highly enough of herself that she will not give that kind of man a moment of her time. I love it when I hear, “But I love him.” Bull—-! That’s not love. That’s some kind of dificiency need trying desparately to be filled. If a woman is afraid that she’s not lovable, she’s going to go with whomever comes along. She clings to him as if her life depended on it and she calls it love. A person, man or woman, can only love another to the degree that they love themself. I’m developing a workshop right now that will help women learn how to grow their self love. It’s the only way that they will be able to have a fulfilling relationship. If you are constantly attracted to the wrong guy, look in the mirror. What’s missing within you that you keep doing that to yourself? It’s better to be alone than to be with someone who is disrespectful. But that takes inner strength, which is usually missing in someone who does not truly love and respect themselves. That’s why we have personal growth books and workshops. There is no greater gift you can give yourself than to do personal growth work. And yes, it is work but once you begin the journey, it is the most fulfilling work you will ever do. I get this question frequently so I thought the answer would be something that could benefit all women who struggle with understanding men. Dear Kara, Dear Evangeline, Because men are afraid of approaching a woman with a request to go out, flirting is a “safe” way to get your attention. If you like the guy and wish him to show more interest than just playing and teasing, sending some signals that will give him the green light is a good idea. If he doesn’t respond then you can be sure it was “just” flirting. Here are some signals that you can send that will help let a man know you’re interested while allowing the two of you the pleasure of him pursuing you. 1) Smiling is essential for a man who has sensitivity. Without a smile he assumes you’re not interested and he doesn’t want to be pushy or risk a rude put-down. 2) Eye contact that lasts just a little longer than is comfortable. Watch how you want to drop your eyes when you look at a man you find attractive. Begin to allow that look to linger…just a little longer, with a hint of a smile. Definitely sends a message but yet keeps it feminine, which men love. 3) In conversation, touch his arm a couple of times. That breaks that barrier and releases the tension that’s caused when two people are attracted but not quite sure where they stand. Do it casually in conversation, maybe laughing at something he’s said. Just lean into that laugh and touch his forearm, in a way that says, “Oh you silly, that’s very funny.” If you’re not sure, watch how other women do it. It should be absolutely natural. Practice on friends. Actually, practice all these things, the smiling, the eye contact and touching, on people with whom there is no pressure, people you are not attracted to. 4) Ask questions that get them to talk about themselves…then listen. The best conversationalist is a good listener. Ask fun questions to get men to talk more personally about themselves, like what was the craziest thing they did in college. They’ll think you’re marvelous and quite witty. 5) Online, the same thing about listening applies. Ask great questions then appreciate them for sharing. 6) Online and in general, don’t go into very much detail about your crazy side, if you have one. A man doesn’t want to think you turn into a monster before your period, or that you can’t get along with anyone. What men are looking for are attractive women (you don’t know how un-fussy they are), who are happy, self-assured, comfortable with themselves, and enjoy being women. That’s all. Oh yes, and a woman who isn’t angry at men, appreciates them, and makes them feel special and needed…More than anything, they want to feel like a man. You have the natural ability to give that to him. When you do, you stand out as someone very, very special and unique. Remember, most women are a little bit (or a lot) angry at men in general so if you show him that you’re not like that, you’ll be way ahead of the others. 7) Online and in general, don’t ever be crass unless you want to be treated disrespectfully. Don’t swear and don’t lose control. Be a lady and you’ll go far. How To Turn a Man Off 50 Feet Away Slouch… That’s it, your quick lesson in how to turn a man off before he even focuses his eyes enough to determine the color of your hair. Lesson complete. When I was interviewing men for my book I always asked what they found most attractive in a woman. It’s amazing how often they said good posture. I always joked in my stage presentations that it just made a woman’s breasts stick out but it really has to do with a woman’s level of self assurance. To a man, it says she’s happy with who she is, she’s takes pride in her appearance, she has a positive outlook on life, she’s healthy, and she’s happy. It is mostly subliminal but it’s screaming attractiveness. And attractiveness is part of attraction. If your posture isn’t steller it’s easy to fix. Just stand up straight. You need to focus on it for as long as it takes to get the chest muscles to stretch and the back muscles to shorten. Maxwell Maltz says it takes 21 days to change a habit. Make it a lifetime change and you’ll have a better outlook on life; your chemistry will change; (If you don’t believe me, close your eyes, notice how you feel slouching and then standing up straight. You feel different inside.) and you will be perceived as more capable, younger, and more attractive. If you choose not to do something about your posture then you don’t really want to be happy. A woman wrote recently and asked how she could know if the man she was seeing was being honest with how he portrayed himself. Here’s some pointers for determining if a man is “for real”: Have you ever wished you had a way of determining if a man is someone with whom you should be getting involved? Here are some suggestions for determining if a man is worth pursuing. Use it wisely, and trust your intuition and those red flags that pop up as you’re getting to know someone. I ignored some flaming red flags, man, they were on fire, and I got burned, badly, by about $50,000. Yikes! I hope that never happens to any of you: 1) Would your friends and family say they like him and that he seems like a quality guy? If the overall reaction is yes, that’s a good sign. When your friends tell you a man isn’t good for you, look closely at their concerns. Yes, they don’t know him as well as you do, but their vision isn’t clouded by his pretty words and your emotions. 2) One way to find out if a man is sincerely interested in you and looking for a long-term relationship is to request that you hold off on sex. You only want a man who respects your boundaries, wants to get to know the real you, and prefers to take however much time is required to determine if this might turn into a deeply loving and enduring relationship. Sex has a way of clouding one’s vision. It makes it more difficult to be at all objective. If a man is willing to wait, then he’s interested in something bigger. 3) Does he enjoy doing things for you, fixing things, solving problems for you? Then he’s probably a man who likes making you happy. How kind and considerate is he? Notice those little things like opening doors, looking out for your comforts, anticipating your needs. That’s an inbred quality that bubbles up naturally. 4) Ask him about his family. Did he have a happy childhood, does he love his mother, his dad, does he have a good relationship with his siblings? Ask him about friends. If there are holes and problems in those areas, there’s a possibility he has difficulty dealing with people. It can be a red flag. You want a man with heart. Ask him questions that will give him an opportunity to share from his heart. Pay attention to his temperament while he answers the questions. 5) You have a built-in filter with your kids. It’s an unusual man who is willing to take on another man’s children. If he’s willing to wait on sex, and wants to build a relationship with you, knowing you have kids, that’s a sign of a quality man. Ask him about past relationships. How did they break up? Was it always the woman’s fault or does he take responsibility for part of whatever caused the problems. Don’t get into the little details because that doesn’t serve either of you. He’ll want to know about yours and don’t tell him more than he wants to hear. Just the basics, not the minute details. 6) Most importantly, continue to check in with your Inner Wise Woman. If she puts out any warnings, heed them. If need be, tell him you’re feeling a little funny and ask him to clarify something for you. Then, notice how your gut feels when he answers your questions. It takes time to get to know someone. Inconsistencies will show up with time. Don’t make any rash decisions and most of all, have fun. A woman wrote today with this question: I have been married now for two years and in the process of divorcing a man that really did not quite love me. He did not even like the way I talked or laughed. Well I went ahead and married him anyway simply because he was looking for someone to cook him meals, look after his children and iron his shirts etc. and I was lonely and had not had a relationship for years. Basically I have been a glorified maid. For the past 10 months we have been working in different cities so I got to really like this other guy that I worked with. He was friendly and at times he would ask me for lunch and confide in me about some very personal stuff - his former girlfriends, current women he was interested in, his family etc. i got really close to him. my relationship with my husband in the meanwhile was going down the drain and we were hardly talking. Two months ago before i relocated home I told this guy that I had really grown to like him and that my marriage is not working - i got a bit emotional about the troubles in my marriage and ended up crying (ok I feel really stupid now). Well he clamped up and said he was extremely flattered but he didn’t know what to say and that he had a girlfriend, that i was married and that i should sort out my life. I left and came back home to try and sort out my marriage but its not working and my husband and I have agreed to separate and get a divorce. I have been communicating with this guy via the occasional email just to say how are things etc. I still miss him though and like him a lot. What do you think that I should do now that my marriage is over? Should i let him out of my system or consider him eligible? Somehow i cant shake the feeling that he really liked me too but i blew it by telling breaking down in front of him and telling him how i felt. I want to start a new life and start dating but somehow this guy is still in my system. What should I do? My response to her: This other man gave you a clear message that he is not interested in you as a girlfriend. Be thankful for that because you can get on with your life. Don’t jump into a relationship too quickly. You need to fall in love with yourself and you can’t do that if you are falling in love with a man. You need to be your first priority. You need to regain your self confidence because admitting that you were a glorified maid is not easy to digest. Realize that you are worthy of much more and that you will be self loving enough not to lower yourself to be acceptable to the first man to come along. Rise and shine and you will attract a terrific man. Then you will not be judging your self worth by whether or not you have a man in your life. I wish you much wisdom, great insight and a happy new life. Here’s a question I got today: Dear Kara, I am in the middle of a situation with my fiance. He wants to have a threesome and I know that this would satisfy him and bring him a lot of pleasure. However he knows the woman he wants to be with us and I’m leary of the relationship. He says that it’s all just sex and he wants to be with the two women who have satisfied him sexually. Now am I wrong to feel like I am really not satisfying him fully or is it just a fun thing that men go through? Please respond, Thanks and please keep my name private… And my response: Hi, I have talked to a lot of couples who have dabbled with threesomes and open marriages and the bottom line of my research is that it gets in the middle of the relationship and erodes the trust, love, respect, and friendship that is so necessary for a long-term relationship to last. Most of them said it caused them to break-up. The goal needs to be to do whatever will deepen love, not dissipate it. Othwerwise, why be in a relationship, especially if you are planning to get married? Bringing someone new into the bed is not going to deepen love. If the woman is single and available, you are both looking for trouble. If she is an ex girlfriend or lover, that’s really dangerous. Years ago, in the 70’s, my ex-husband and I hung out with a couple our age who also had kids. We made out in their presence, as did they in ours, and that was enough to cause my husband to go to her secretly. He just couldn’t get her off of his mind. I did not find out about it until over 20 years later, but it shows what can happen. Fortunately, they only got together once or they might have started a relationship that could have broken us up way back then when our kids were little. You should never have to feel obligated to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. He should have gotten his desire for a threesome out of his system when he was a young carefree bachelor. I’m sorry you are being asked to do this. It puts you in a very difficult position. Here is another article I wrote. It might help: There are a variety of problems that arise when a couple moves into this arena. One that happens more often than you might think is the two women (generally a threesome is with two women and one man) become attracted to each other and the man, who frequently instigates the get-together, gets jealous. Another problem is the breakdown of the special intimacy that had developed before the third party disrupted it. And finally, the fact that you need to go to that kind of extreme to lend variety to the relationship is a red flag that there are other problems to look at. Many I have talked to and read about say the threesome broke up their marriage. Probably, things were going bad already, and this just moved the process along. I hope this helps you with your decision. Most important is that you follow your heart and don’t do anything you don’t want to do or that you know you will regret. Hello Kara, I bought your on-line book today and couldn't put it down. I do some of the things that were in there and can improve some others, what a good book of insight. I have a question for you though. I feel like I have a great guy, he treats me like a queen. Is kind, thoughful and always, always doing things for me. Loves to spend time with me and really tries to make sure we communicate well. He fishes with is friends and I do things with mine, and we try to have a balanced life apart as well and we really love each other. He tells me daily,something I waited for him to say on his own before I ever said it. I am trying to focus on those things, but I have an expectation I can't seem to shake. We have been dating for 20 months and he talks about us getting married next year. I have set a deadline in my mind that I should have a ring by the time we have dated for 2 years if that is the case. He told me recently that the ring will be purchased, he wants to get himself financially in order and get the ring I deserve. I listened to him as he described how he had been feeling less than because he had't run out and just bought the ring like someone else with more money could. I listened and thanked him for telling me and I told him I have never thought he wasn't good enough. I guess the question is how long do I accept this as a reason? Am I being realisitc to set a time line? I don't want to be strung along, and my feelings are hurt that I haven't gotten the ring yet. It makes me feel like I am not important enough, (something I did tell him as we discussed this). Thanks in advance for you answer and your book. Beth My response: Hi Beth, Please, please let go of your pictures of how it should look. If you continue on this path you will make him feel less of a man (which he's already admitted to feeling) instead of making him feel like a man, which is what he needs and wants from the woman he wants to marry. Most women would sell their souls to have a man like you are describing. Let go of your time line, let go of your futuring, and stop long enough to enjoy each moment as it unfolds. I understand what you are going through because I am in the same situation. I want things to move along more quickly than they are, but I keep reminding myself that it is just something that my little girl dreams and our culture is laying on me. It is getting in the way of enjoying the precious moments of getting acquainted and becoming a bonded couple. He has told you he wants to marry you, wants to give you the ring he can afford when he is able, and anything you do to push him will only snip away at his manhood. If you continue he will either move more quickly than is comfortable for him, which will eventually breed resentment. Another thing he might notice is that if you push him to buy you the ring before he is ready/able, it will fortell of what it would be like to be married to you, which would scare most men. The "you don't give me what I want" or "I want what the other couples have" will only belittle him and drive him away. Read my book again and see that you are doing exactly what will cause him to fall out of love. You've been doing the right things so keep doing them and stop doing anything that makes him feel small or less of a man. I want you to realize that you have a gem and that you are a very lucky woman. Women compliment each other all the time. We’re used to it. But men, I discovered when I was doing my research for my book, hardly ever get any kind of compliment or appreciation, from anyone, at work or at home. Here’s what Men’s Health Editor, Davie Zinczenko says in his new book, Men, Love & Sex: The Complete User’s Guide for Women: “Less than one in four men say they regularly receive positive reinforcement from the women in their lives, but guys want that even more than they want the Saturday digital football package. Just because we have an interior more heavily vaulted than a Brinks truck doesn’t mean you can’t crack us.” In my book, Men Made Easy, I stress throughout how important it is for a woman to appreciate her man. When he compliments you or offers his appreciation, you feel good, youfeel like we’re not being taken for granted, and you feel noticed. It means much, much more to a man. For him, it has to do with his entire sense of being a man. He wants to be a hero, successful, capable, strong, protective, and a great lover. One secret says A Man Is Driven To Make His Woman Happy. Another says To a Man, Failure Is Death. And still one more says, A Man Needs To Be Understood and Accepted For Who He Is. It’s all about being a good man for you. When you let him know that he’s doing a good job being your man, in all the ways you can, you have the power to make him stand taller, to feel great about himself, to feel successful…all because you give him regular doses of appreciation. This is the very best way to win a man’s heart and keep him in love with you. Men really are that easy. Here’s an (unedited) email I got today from a young woman who has been receiving my “Tips About Men”: hi kara, That email inspired me to talk about how easy it is to emasculate a man. One of the most important things I try to get across to women is to not belittle a man because a man is most easily emasculated by a woman. More than anything, he needs a woman to make him feel like a man not like a failure. When she puts him down for his inability to make money, make love to her, be a good father or husband, etc., he feels emasculated and pulls away from her a little bit each tiime she does it. Eventually he needs to leave if he wants to keep his balls intact. Another way a woman can easily emasculate a man is simply let him know he has failed at making her happy. I’ve heard so many men say, when asked why they left their wife or girlfriend, “I couldn’t make her happy.” He needs to get away from that kind of woman if he has any desire to feel like a man. If a man stays with that kind of woman, eventually his testicles eventually dry up and fall off. I think the term is P…. Whipped. Think about the kind of man who has earned that title. We don’t have much respect for that kind of man. And usually the women doing the whipping isn’t a very pleasant person. I teach Feminine Grace. No real woman would ever do that to a man, especially the man who is supposed to be her lover. Obviously, a fully emasculated man no longer has sex, unless, heaven forbid, he does so at her demand. Yuck! I don’t even want to think about that scenario. So ladies, if you want to have a relationship with a man who adores you, makes you feel like his queen and calls you his goddess, all you need to do is practice Feminine Grace and make him feel like a man. It’s that simple. Learning how to do that takes a bit of learning along with some practice, but once you get it down (and believe me, for most women, this is what feels best and eventually becomes totally natural) he will treat you better than you’ve ever been treated before. It’s the surest way to win a man’s heart. How To Destroy Your Relationship When I ask men what they don’t like about women, complaining frequently tops the list. Men tend not to complain, at least not about little things. They’ve been taught, since they were little boys, to be tough, to endure, to be stoic, to be unemotional, to hold it in, to be MEN. Basically, they’ve been taught that it’s not manly to complain. Consequently, they have little tolerance for any kind of complaining, and especially whining. But there’s more to it than that. Another reason they can’t tolerate complaining is that they have a need to fix problems, to find solutions. If a woman complains, he feels drawn to solve her problem. If she complains often, he begins to feel he can’t solve her problems and feels like a failure. And complaining isn’t asking for a solution. It’s just a way to make someone feel bad and wrong. A better way would be to say, “I have a problem that I need some help with.” (state the problem, succinctly.) Then ask, “Can you help me solve it?” Or words to that effect. Enlist him to help solve the problem, even if he’s the source of that problem. Focus on how this problem is making you feel. That keeps you from blaming, and blaming is guaranteed to shut him down. The great thing about that approach is whenever you ask a man to help you solve a problem you are giving him an upportunity to be your hero. (Oh, shut up, you Feminists!) Men need to feel like men and women have the power, more than anyone else, to give him that. Actually, that’s the last secret in my book, “A man needs to be with a women who makes him feel like a man.” Duh… but it’s true. If you complain all the time, you begin to be a bottomless pit. I’ve had a lot of men tell me that the reason they left their marriage was because, “I could never make her happy.” If you’re not happy, they’ve failed at their primary job within the relationship. It’s like the hunter who comes home from the hunt empty-handed. In the hunter’s case her unhappiness means she and the children are hungry for protein and if that goes on long enough everyone dies. So, this need to make women happy is really about survival and how well he provides. It’s buried deep within his biology. Too many women make the man the source of their happiness. That’s too big a burden on anyone. You are responsible for your own happiness. When you take charge of making yourself happy, he feels successful, even though he may have absolutely nothing to do with it. When you’re happy you’re much more appealing to him (read beautiful), he feels like he’s successful as your partner, and his heart opens up to you. This is a case of win/win if there ever was one. Another reason not to complain is because it’s unattractive. When I find myself complaining I feel downright ugly. Feminine Grace is about doing everything with grace, having control over our actions, taking responsibility for how we are, and the impact our words and actions have on others. Ugly or beautiful? It really is your choice. The only way change occurs–at least if we want some say in those changes–is to do things differently. Why Do Men Prefer Porn To a Real Woman? A question from a hurt woman: Dear Kara, My response to her: Dear Carmen, When researching my book I asked men what they don’t like about women. Complaining frequently toped the list. Men tend not to complain, at least not about little things. They’ve been taught, since they were little boys, to be tough, to endure, to be stoic, to be unemotional, to hold it in, to be MEN. Basically, they’ve been taught that it’s not manly to complain. Consequently, they have little tolerance for any kind of complaining, and especially whining. But there’s more to it than that. Another reason they can’t tolerate complaining is that they have a need to fix problems, to find solutions. They can’t help themselves. If a woman complains, he feels drawn to solve her problem. If she complains often, he begins to feel he can’t solve her problems and feels like a failure. A complainer isn’t usually asking for a solution. It’s just a way to make someone feel bad and wrong. Or it’s simply a habit. I know people who have a habit of complaining. That’s their communication style. Ugh! If you’re like me, you can’t get away from that kind of person faast enough. If you really do need help with something a better way would be to say, “I have a problem that I need some help with.” (state the problem, succinctly.) Then ask, “Can you help me solve it?” Or words to that effect. Enlist him to help solve the problem, even if he’s the source of that problem. Focus on how this problem is making you feel. That keeps you from blaming, and blaming is guaranteed to shut him down. And the great thing about doing this is YOU GIVE HIM AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE YOUR HERO. Men love that. If you complain all the time, you begin to be a bottomless pit. I’ve had a lot of men tell me that the reason they left their marriage was because, “I could never make her happy.” If you’re not happy, he’s failed at his primary job within the relationship. It’s like the hunter who comes home from the hunt empty-handed. He is drawn to make you happy. If you complain a lot, you are saying with each complaint, “I’m not happy.” He feels like a failure and after a while, he’ll need to leave or “become” a failure. Who wants a man who feels like he’s a failure? And what man want’s to endure that. The man who stays with that kind of a woman is a wuss. And we call him Pussy Whipped. Ugh. Bad, bad, bad all around. Too many women expect the man to be the source of their happiness. That’s too big a burden on anyone. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS. When you take charge of making yourself happy, he feels successful, even though he may have absolutely nothing to do with it. When you’re happy you’re much more appealing to him, he feels like he’s successful as your partner, and his heart opens up to you. This is a case of win/win if there ever was one. Another reason not to complain is because it’s unattractive. When I find myself complaining I feel downright ugly. Feminine Grace is about doing everything with grace, having control over our actions, taking responsibility for how we behave, and the impact our words and actions have on others. That’s when you’re most beautiful. Complaining is ugly, appreciation is beautiful. Which would he prefer? Which would YOU prefer to be? It really is your choice. The only way change occurs–at least if we want some say in those changes–is to choose to do things differently. |