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Relationship ArticlesThe Infinite Journey to Conscious Loving
Learning to Live in a State of Continuous Positive Energy Enlivening Love Attracting Genuine Love into your life
The Infinite Journey to Conscious Loving Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to make a heroic shift out of an old paradigm, the default programming that we’re born into Unconscious Loving to a new paradigm, Conscious Loving. Here’s a quick look at the old and the new paradigms, so you'll know what you're getting out of and getting into. UNCONSCIOUS LOVING We repeat the same patterns and problems over and over, and we don’t identify ourselves as the source of those patterns and problems. We spend a lot of time ignoring or recycling the patterns, and expend considerable energy trying to prove somebody else is to blame. We get defensive in situations where we could get enlightened. Somebody says, "Hey, you’ve got a drinking problem." We reply, "Says who?" They say, "Well, you drove into the driveway last night, ran over the kid’s bike, threw up in the flower bed and peed in your wife’s steam iron." We reply, "Nobody’s perfect, and you're a jerk for ruining my day with your negativity." (Defensive maneuvers: Getting sleepy, bored or tired; getting irritable, hostile or tense; getting fascinated by TV, food, liquor, tobacco, drugs; stonewalling, sulking, withdrawing.) We have feelings we don't share, or are carrying secrets we haven’t told to the relevant person. (Distinction between secrets and privacy: Secrets are things you hide because you’re afraid of how others would react if they heard them. Privacy is when you keep something hidden because to share it would dilute its personal or sacred nature. Example: For Bill Clinton, Monica was a secret, and the relevant person to tell was Hillary. For Monica, the journal she kept would fit the privacy category.) We think of ourselves as victims and go back and forth between thinking of others as perpetrators or fellow-victims. In conflicts, we argue from the Victim-Position, casting others as Perpetrators. To resolve arguments, we often join the others in being Fellow-Victims. Example:
We don’t express our full creativity, and have a variety of reasons, many of which are excellent, why we’re not doing so. CONSCIOUS LOVING In our books, two principles occupied center stage: The Authenticity Principle and The Responsibility Principle. The Authenticity Principle holds that relationships only flourish when both people speak the microscopic truth. If any relationship problem recycles, look for the significant truth that has not yet been spoken. If the microscopic truth is not spoken (for example, "I didn’t have sex with that woman") a costly and tiresome melodrama usually occurs in the aftermath of the lie. The Responsibility Principle holds that relationships only flourish when both people take 100% responsibility for any issue that arises. By contrast, most people try to apportion responsibility, which always leads to blame, conflict and power struggles. For example, a repetitive conflict about money only resolves when each person claims full responsibility by asking, "Even if it looks like my partner’s problem, in what ways am I contributing to the perpetuation of this problem?" EMERGENCE OF THE NEW PARADIGM Now, two new principles take relationship transformation into a new dimension: The Commitment Principle and The Appreciation Principle. These principles hold powerful keys to an ongoing problem in human relationships: How to free individual creativity while simultaneously bringing both partners into greater harmony. The Commitment Principle: Every relationship problem is rooted in an overlooked commitment issue, and if this issue is addressed correctly it becomes a springboard to a profound breakthrough in closeness and individual creativity. The principle holds true even if the two people involved in the conflict have been in relationship for decades. It also applies to boardroom as well as bedroom relationships. By analyzing hundreds of conflicts, we discovered that the problem often began with a withheld commitment. In other words, someone (or sometimes all parties) did not fully commit. Once we made this discovery, we worked out a simple way to find where the commitment problem was located and a technique for moving through the impasse rapidly. The Appreciation Principle holds that relationship problems begin in an "appreciation gap," a specific place where a break occurs in the ongoing flow of appreciation. In the absence of a felt-sense of appreciation ‹given and received, spoken and unspoken) a host of energy-draining problems ensue. After discovering this principle, we designed a simple set of appreciation activities, which anyone can do. In Conscious Loving, we do things very differently than in the old paradigm: If a pattern or problem repeats itself, we look for the source of the pattern in ourselves, even if another person looks like the main character in the drama. Example: Even if your partner is the one who’s come home drunk every night for the past sixteen years, the conscious person thinks, "Hmmm, how am I inviting this sort of behavior in my life?" and "Hmmm, who was it that didn’t kick him/her out fifteen years and 364 days ago?" We commit ourselves to learning, instead of getting defensive, in every interaction. We get skilled at thanking people and the universe for giving us feedback, instead of punishing them. "Thanks for pointing out my drinking problem. From my actions (the bike, the flower bed and the steam iron), it appears I’m out of control." We make conscious commitments, and hold ourselves scrupulously to those commitments. We commit to things that are within our control, such as telling the truth and taking responsibility, not to things that can't be controlled (promising to love the person always, promising we'll never do it again, etc.) We tell the truth, and give enough detail so that the relevant other person fully understands. Bill: "Yes, indeed, I had sex with that woman. The first five times were fun and titillating, although I didn’t ejaculate, but the last two times were ho-hum even though I did. I feel guilty as hell and scared you won’t like me." We take full responsibility for what happens in our lives, and seek out relationships with others who also take full responsibility. In a conscious relationship there are no power struggles because each person takes 100% responsibility. We commit ourselves to full creative expression. If we're fully engaged in our own creativity, we don't have time to accuse others of oppressing it. We speak appreciations frequently. Examples: I appreciate you for helping Kevin with his spelling last night, I appreciate the way you look today, I appreciate your sense of humor. SUPER-CONSCIOUS LOVING We’ve found that it’s possible to take a rapid ride to hitherto-unimaginable relationship heights by adopting one very radical concept and practicing one very simple technique. The Concept Stop focusing on problems, difficulties and issues for a period of time (a month is a good period of time to start with) and instead, focus only on expressing appreciations to your partner (or to anyone else you want to be close to, such as children or co-workers.) At the end of the period of time, you can always go back to focusing on problems if you want to. However, most people find that expressing appreciations clears up even long-standing, recurring problems that nothing else has budged. The Technique Step One Step Two At the end of the month, evaluate the level of positive energy that’s flowing between you.
The Conscious Relationship Solution
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Communication Skills Understanding the Energy of Relationship by Gay Hendricks, Ph.D. & Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D. The combined energy of two people is much more than 1 + 1. When we come into a close relationship, our energy is deeply stirred by the catalyzing effect of the beloved. What we do with this increased energy determines the path of the relationship. This activity is designed to illuminate your response to the very thing that draws you together. Instructions This activity is done with a partner. Choose who will be partner A and who will be partner B. With your partner, stand facing the same direction, about three to four feet apart. Take a moment to scan your mind and body to notice your thoughts, images, and sensations. Then slowly turn to face each other, and stand without speaking, maintaining eye contact for one minute. Now scan your mind and body and notice any differences you sense. Now turn to face away from each other. Notice what sensations and feelings come into your awareness. Reconnect with your experience again and notice the fluctuation in your energy. Now you will make several turns toward and away from your partner. Remain facing your partner each time for one minute before you turn away. 1. Turn toward your partner, noticing any impulses to say something or to laugh. Remain there for one minute. Now turn away. Notice what you are feeling and thinking. 2. Turn toward each other again. Partner A, make yourself smaller, contract, shrink, tuck-in. Partner B, stand naturally each time you face your partner. Remain there for one minute. Then turn away and notice yourself for a moment. 3. This time when you turn toward each other, partner A, make yourself as big as you can. Puff yourself up. Stay there for one minute, then turn away and be aware of any differences you notice in your experience. 4. Turn toward each other again. Partner A, be totally stone-faced, give no response at all. Be impassive for one minute, then turn away. 5. Face each other once more. Partner A, notice your impulse to do something. Let yourself do it. Notice another impulse and do it. Follow a third impulse, then turn away. When partner A is finished, switch roles and repeat. Afterward, share your experiences with your partner. Discussion The energy of close contact is profound, and most of us initially respond unconsciously to the increased energy of intimacy. During this activity we've seen people get bright red in the face, burst out chattering, get dizzy, get nauseated, develop instant muscle spasms, start blinking uncontrollably, get the hiccups, start squirming and shifting, jingle pocket change, shred tissue, clench fists into pockets, pull hair, scratch furiously, and so on. These are eruptions of the unconscious when faced with the increased energy of intimacy. We want you to be aware of the tremendous force that is available for growth or encumbrance. The Conscious Relationship Solution
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Communication Skills Creating a Safe Space by Gay Hendricks, Ph.D. & Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D. Instructions Step One One person will be the speaker and one the amplifier in this communication activity. 1. Speaker, say aloud: "It is safe for me to feel all my anger." Amplifier, assist the speaker to enlarge any gestures he or she made with the statement as it is repeated. For example, if the speaker starts to make fists, have the person use his whole upper body to brace and strike out with fists. You'll have the most fun with this if you really take it all the way, making a caricature of your expression. 2. The speaker will then say each of the following sentences. The amplifier will assist the speaker to enlarge each one in turn. • It is safe for me to feel all my sadness. • It is safe for me to feel all my sexual feelings. • It is safe for me to feel all my fear. • It is safe for me to feel all my joy. Step Two 1. One partner, the feeler, identify a recent experience of fear and remember it as vividly as possible. When you have described your experience, your partner, the reflector, will say: • "It is safe for you to feel all your fear,” or • "I can love you for that feeling." Pause for a few minutes while each of you notices the feelings and thoughts that arise from this experience. 2. Then, feeler, let yourself recall in turn an experience of anger, sadness, joy, or sexuality, and feel it as completely as you can. Reflector, give verbal permission for each feeling. Feeler, receive your partner's permission to go fully into each feeling. Feeler, share any memories or connections you make as you explore. Then take time for the reflector to share any responses from the experience of giving permission. When the feeler has completed each feeling, switch roles and repeat. Discussion When giving feedback in this activity, practice telling the microscopic truth. Sometimes you'll have very positive, pleasant responses, and sometimes the activity will stimulate more difficult reactions. For example, if the feeler is amplifying fear and his or her partner begins to feel nauseated or angry, use the discussion time to describe the experience. The reflector might say, "When I said, 'It is safe for you to feel all your fear: I began to feel impatient. I wanted to move away, go faster. My skin felt, and still feels, kind of crawly, and I'm breathing more heavily. As I stay with these sensations, they feel familiar. I remember when my mother got scared, she would kind of wind up and spin out, get hysterical and start yelling. I guess maybe I'm afraid you'll flip out like she did." You may want to write these reactions in your notebooks for later reference. We've found that the more you can stay with describing the microscopic truth, the more a foundation forms that leads to deeper awareness and more intimacy. The Conscious Relationship Solution
Bestselling, life-changing, 21-session Attracting Genuine Love cyber-course.
Communication Skills Bare Bones Communication by Gay Hendricks, Ph.D. & Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D. The elegant simplicity of direct communication is like Zen meditation practice, and the goal is similar: just so, just as it is, nothing extra. Tremendous transformation occurs when we speak directly from our deep experience. In this activity you'll have the chance to experience the power of getting down to the bone. You'll need a tape-recorder with microphone for this activity. Instructions 1. During this part of the activity, one person will be speaking and the other listening. With the cassette deck recording, the speaker will have two minutes to voice a concern and a request -something that you have feelings about, and something you want. Listener, carefully notice your internal responses. Then you'll switch roles, and your partner will have two minutes to communicate a concern and a request. 2. Now rewind the tape and listen to your communications. Listen for the voice qualities that you respond to most directly. These will be the tones that seem to match the content. Also notice what seems extra, the overtones that don't match the content. Studying these tones will give you access to your intentions in communicating. Most often we don't mean what we say; we mean what is underneath. Some of the intentions that we often add to our communications are: justifying our position, blaming the other, sliding into the victim position, staying in control, or asking for approval. Take responsibility for noticing your extras and sharing your discoveries with your partner. 3. Now go back and communicate the original concern or request again. This time focus on saying just the thing itself. You may find that you take less time, feel lighter, and get a clearer response. This skill is essential and takes time to refine. If you intend to communicate just the thing itself, that intention will set the stage for clarity. The Conscious Relationship Solution
Bestselling, life-changing, 21-session Attracting Genuine Love cyber-course.
Communication Skills Whole Body Listening by Gay Hendricks, Ph.D. & Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D. This activity is designed to help you uncover the relationship between verbal communication and body experience, and to increase your ability to tune in to your partner more deeply and develop more channels of communication. Instructions Speaker, describe where your body becomes tense when you feel upset. Then lean back in your chair or lie down comfortably. Listener, put your hand on the tense or sore spot and be with your partner through your hand contact. Speaker, breath into, around, and through the tense spot. Say aloud whatever you notice and experience. Continue for five to ten minutes. Then pause for a moment to be with each other in silence. Switch roles and repeat. Discussion It is possible to continue deepening your communication and knowing of your loved ones. You may find that transparency continues to grow and to connect you more richly to each other as you practice this skill. The Conscious Relationship Solution
Bestselling, life-changing, 21-session Attracting Genuine Love cyber-course.
Communication Skills: Deepening Communication by Gay Hendricks, Ph.D. & Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D. Real communication and transformation occur when we feel heard and seen as we are. The experience of being understood is often what we're really after when we make contact. This activity clears the path so that the flow of communication is unimpeded. Instructions Each person will have two five-minute segments to communicate about anything he or she is exploring, without interruption. 1. During the first five-minute segment, the listener will focus on not interrupting verbally. Do your best, listener, to open yourself to simply hear what your partner is saying. You may notice powerful temptations to interrupt for "good reasons": to explain your side, to correct, to give an opinion or reference ("Oh, I read something about that.. ."). Be aware of what occurs inside when you don't interrupt. Notice what other kinds of information open up. Then switch roles and repeat. 2. During the second five-minute segment, the listener will focus on not interrupting verbally and nonverbally. Our bodies can be very sneaky at sabotaging. Here are just a few of the many ways we've seen couples interrupt each other: tapping fingers, looking around, fidgeting, reaching out to groom the speaker, humming, clipping fingernails, clearing the throat repeatedly, lighting a cigarette. As you are listening, focus on opening your body to receive the communication. Then switch roles and repeat. Discussion If we receive our partner's communication clearly, the basis for conflict becomes less powerful. Much conflict arises from our conviction that we already know what our partner is thinking and feeling. It is as if most of our awareness is looking back over our shoulder at past interactions and only a small part of us is present for what is actually occurring. An English professor described it as "finishing the song." "I developed a relationship song based on some early, bittersweet, romantic experiences. Then I wandered along humming the tune in my mind. If I met someone who began singing just one line of my song, I filled in the rest." Discuss your listening style. See if you can discover what gets in the way of hearing clearly. See if you notice recurrent themes, such as finishing the other person's song, anticipating the punch line, or distracting your partner. The Conscious Relationship Solution
Bestselling, life-changing, 21-session Attracting Genuine Love cyber-course.
Learning to Live in a State of Continuous Positive Energy Enlivening Love by Gay Hendricks, Ph.D. & Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D. Instructions 1. Each of you make a list of the three best things you can say about each other. Example: You are very kind. Your voice is beautiful and inspiring. You give so much love to me and others. Then take turns saying aloud to your partner each phrase you've written. Speaker, do your best to let your whole body communicate. Responder, try to allow your body to get big enough to contain those good feelings. Let yourself breathe fully, take it in, and move to circulate the good feelings. 2. Both of you make a list of three daily things your partner does that make your life sweeter. Example: You take time to pick the food I like most. You wake up in a good mood. You really listen to me. Take turns reading your statements to each other. Discussion Use your discoveries to notice your deflection patterns and other ways you stop yourself from fully receiving positive energy in your daily life. When you notice a pattern, take a moment to love it and be with it. Then take a big breath and release it. You may want to rest a moment or take a little space from time to time to integrate a new positive energy. The Conscious Relationship Solution
Bestselling, life-changing, 21-session Attracting Genuine Love cyber-course.
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