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Save Your Relationship Articles-- Dr. Brenda ShoshannaNew Beginnings 3 Powerful Steps to Finding Healthy Relationships 3 Communication Pitfalls to Avoid Different Ways Men Express Their Love Fresh Starts A fresh start always includes a time of house cleaning, going through our possessions and seeing what is valuable and relevant now, and what is finished, what has been completed, or used up. In gardening, that which has been used up, is used as fertilizer for the soil. In our lives, our past experiences, what is handled wisely can also act as fertilizers for the rest of our lives. It is important to allow a time of personal house cleaning, going over the year, going over our relationships, choices, experiences, realize where they belong now, and learn how to digest them well. Before we can move forward constructively and make a fresh start, either in relationships or in our personal choices, we must take some time to stop and appreciate what has happened to us, realize that which is over now, what has been used up. Then we notice, how it too, can become fertilizer for our lives. SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP How To Find Real Love For most people falling in love means having strong, close, warm, intoxicating feelings. When these feelings pass, (as they must) they feel that the love is gone. Nothing can be further from the truth. When these feelings pass ( as all feelings do) that is the point at which the love can begin. For many there is uncertainty about what love actually is. “I don’t know if she’s the right one,” they say. Or, “I’m in love with her, but not in love.” Others say, “I know I’m in love because I can’t live without him. If he leaves, I’ll fall apart.” Others feel that being jealous and possessive means they are in love. In these cases love is confused with intoxication, excitement, attachment, dependency, and a host of other painful feelings. This kind of love simply becomes an antidote to pain that arises from a life that is not lived fruitfully. These feelings arise from confusion, not only about what love truly is, and how it arises, but from who we really are, and what life itself wants of us in order to be happy and fulfilled. When we use another person, or use the experience of being “in love”, to fill the void in our own lives, that kind of love always fails. That kind of love always brings disappointment and heartache in its wake. It cannot be otherwise. So, what is this real love? The one that grows and cannot be shaken? Where do we find it? We do not find it, we do it. This kind of love grows out of deeds. It is not a state of intoxication, but a process of action that is ongoing and strong. It starts with ourselves, and extends out to others. It is not that which we are hunting to receive, but that which we are giving to others. This kind of love, which cannot fail, quite simply, is built upon deeds of worth. When we fill our lives, and our actions towards others, with deeds of value, deeds that we can respect – actions towards them and ourselves that are loving, respectful, generous, kind, love happens in that very moment. The more actions of this kind that we take towards others and towards ourselves the stronger our foundation of love becomes. No matter how the other is behaving, we can always respond with a deed of worth – with a kind word,a moment of forgiveness,a hug, with seeing the bigger picture. We can open our hands and offer life to them, rather than close our hands and our hearts, clutch and confine them in a tiny world. What are the deeds of worth you cherish? What is it you need to receive from others in your life? Whether or not you have received it, are you willing to offer it anyway? If you are, you will find yourself in the process of building a life of love that cannot be shaken, and all your relationships will take a completely different turn. SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP Learn How To Heal Relationships Wounds In a sense, nothing is ever over. We carry memories and traces of all that has gone on. For some these become wounds, for others treasures. When we try to block out the past from our lives, it arises again at the oddest times. Old patterns start repeating, unfinished lessons appear to be learned. The art of living is the art of building bridges, creating links and pathways between the different parts of our lives. Rather than hate time of our life, the person we “used to be”, or people we’ve met along the way, it is necessary to learn how to find the treasure each experience gave us, the way it helped us become strong. If we weren’t able to do it then, this is the time to do it now. Then we can digest or incorporate it. It becomes food or fuel to help us go on. When we take this approach our entire life opens up and we begin to build bridges naturally. Each person we meet, (whether we like them or not) then becomes another bridge, a new way to deepen the love and understanding we become capable of. Yet, so few of us know how to do this. So few allow it. Or, If we do, it is only for a few precious moments. In a sense we are all like flowers longing for the light while we keep our petals closed, lost in sorrow and resentment. There is plenty of sun and light available, but if we are closed, we cannot let it in. The crucial bridge is the one which allows us to forgive another, which makes peace with the pain we’ve suffered, and allows resentment and judgment to subside. Only then are we free to let new people and experiences into our world. Only then are we free to truly live in a present, which is constantly new. To forgive means to give up – to give up judgment, blame Beyond that, it means understanding that each person gave The crucial step in this process is to give up judging, rejecting or criticizing others. To stop labeling them as good or bad. Most of us fluctuate, with times of love and of withdrawal. It is crucial to look at our own expectations, and realize that we can never hope to have them met by one person or another. It is up to us to reach within, find the kind spot in our hearts and help it grow. When our own loving hearts are fully developed, that itself fulfills our expectations and whatever else we are yearning for. SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP How to dissolve the walls of loneliness, separation and misunderstanding How to get from I to we? How to dissolve the invisible wall of loneliness, separation and misunderstanding most of us surround ourselves with and become available to the relationships we crave so much? To begin, we must understand what it is that drives us within and will cause trouble and symptoms of all kinds, if it is not listened to and and fulfilled. There are 3 fundamental needs that all human beings have and that they will do anything to fulfill. The first need is for love, the second need is for more love and the third need is for even more love than that. We are all born with very hungry hearts. When we listen to our endless wishes, dreams, plans, symptoms, and complaints, if we open our heart to what is underneath them, we can easily realized that all of our assorted cravings boil down to one need only - the need to be known and accepted for who we are. The need to be acknowledged – all a form of the need for love. Is this an impossible dream? No. There are specific steps we can take to make this a reality in our lives and the lives of others. (This particular journey can’t be taken alone. As you perceive others, you will also perceive yourself-as you treat others, the same treatment will be returned to you). In order to embark upon these new steps in our lives, first we must develop three aspects of our being that may be dormant in us right now. These three aspects area Awareness, Authenticity, and Courage. Living from these qualities will bring a new sense of spirit into our lives. Einstein said you can't get out of a problem by using the same thinking that got you into it. In the same way, we can’t get out of a rut, or an emotional habit pattern, by using the same kind of behavior we had in the past. Awareness, helps us wake up to how and who we are right now. Instead of blocking out, rationalizing, or hiding from what we are doing, Awareness practice, helps us open our eyes. We take a look, we listen. This can also be called assuming responsibility, or growing up. Awareness is simple, but not easy. It asks us to become aware of what we are doing, moment by moment, taking note of what we are feeling, sensing and thinking. It does not ask us to judge or change ourselves, but simply to become aware. The moment judgment, criticism and upset come in, oddly enough awareness is blocked. Just awareness itself is a great, powerful teacher, like turning the light on in a dark room. By becoming aware of something, over and over, that thing, by itself, begins to change. Awareness is a way of making friends with ourselves. This is crucial for us to do and something most of us have avoided our whole life long. The first step in getting from I to We, in forming long lasting, satisfying relationships, is developing intimacy with who we are right now - making our own acquaintance. As we embark upon the exquisite journey of discovering and accepting ourselves, our ability to do this with another develops. Without knowing and accepting who we are, and how we change, moment by moment, how can we ever know or truly accept someone else? SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP How to dissolve the walls of loneliness, separation and misunderstanding In order to dissolve the invisible wall of loneliness that surrounds us, and keeps us separate even from those we care for the most, there are three vital steps we must learn how to practice. The first step we dealt with in the last issue was Awareness. The second step, which we will look at this time, is Authenticity. Authenticity can also be thought of as When we have relationship problems, or are feeling lonely,we try to spice things up by presenting a wonderful image of ourselves, making promises, trying to be better, or give more. It's always a question of do - do - do. We feel we must work hard to earn love and keep the relationship flowing. But before we arrive at true action that builds real connection, there is a crucial step that must be taken. We must first be real ourselves, be authentic - true to ourselves and to the other. We must, one way or another, take off the masks that hide our true face.Actually, it is the mask itself that keeps us separate and lonely hiding behind a false self. A wonderful quote about this was written by the great teacher Lao Tse. He said, "Give up, sirs, your proud airs, your wishes, mannerisms and extravagant claims. They don't do you any good, sir! That's all I have to tell you." There is no deeper gift you can give another than who you truly are. In fact, this wonderful present helps the other to be who they are as well. When we stop struggling and pushing to be loved, wanted and approved of, and start the process of being who we are, of knowing and accepting ourselves moment by moment, we start the amazing process of building true bridges between ourselves and all of life. Our entire life consists of building bridges. Each person we meet is another bridge, another link, a new way to deep the love and understanding we can become capable of. Yet, so few of us know how to do this. In a sense we are all like longing for the light while we keep our petals closed. There is plenty of sun and light available, but if we are closed we cannot let it in. If we are hidden behind false masks, fronts, games and images, we cannot reach out to touch or be touched. In order to become authentic we must look closely at the roles we play,the identities we cherish so much. These roles, dreams and images are often exactly that which keep us secure in our loneliness. Roles can be hypnotic. We can fall in love with a role or fantasy of who we are or who the other is. This never lasts long though, and it can come as Exercise: Take a few minutes and look at this carefully. Look for a moment at what being "authentic" means to you. Write it down. Write down when you allow yourself to do it, and how you feel then. Also, take some time to look at the roles you use to hide in. See if, little by little, you can let them go, and allow yourself to respond naturally to the person you are with and what the moments presents to you, ever fresh, ever new. SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP 3 Powerful Steps To Finding Healthy Relationships All people want love, then when they get it they become afraid and start running in the opposite direction. On the one hand, they want love and to be in a relationship; on the other hand, they are relieved to getaway. It always seems to as if relationships are difficult; difficult to find, difficult to keep and difficult to enjoy. The fundamental truth is there is never a scarcity of relationships, there is never a scarcity of love. Love is our natural condition. Why aren't we in it all the time? What is it that makes us run from the love we are so hungry for? What drives people from the arms of each other, and what would it take to keep them there? In order to answer this question, first we have to understand the difference between Real and Counterfeit love. Most of us live with the mirage of love rather than the real thing. Like a mirage, Counterfeit love is false and can never bring true satisfaction. Like all mirages, when Counterfeit Love is seen for what it is, it evaporates, leaving no room the real thing. No on runs from love that is real; they cannot. It's too nourishing and too rare. But counterfeit love traps you, scares you, keeps you on the run. Counterfeit love gives a mirage of water in the desert, and we all know that a mirage wont quench your thirst. Many feelings masquerade as love; dependency, attachment and possessiveness are just a few. Below I have offered several touchstones to love, which are touchstones to help you separate counterfeit love from the real thing. To begin, we will first look at some needs and patterns inside people that keeps them from really being with the other people, and potential mates, in front of them. Many people have a secret fantasy which whispers that a perfect partner is somewhere, waiting for them. This perfect partner will not only accept them fully as they express the parts of themselves that are hidden, but will also bring out the best in them. Rather than criticize, demean and demand from them, the partner will give unconditionally and fulfill his/her needs. Fantasy should not be discounted, as it constitutes much of life. Rather than looking for perfection outside of yourself by seeking another, find the perfection in yourself right now. List five things you accept and like about yourself.
Add to this list everyday. Focus upon what is good in yourself, and the parts you don’t like will fade away. No other person can make you whole. In order to find your perfect partner, you must become what it is you want to find. Some use the quest for a perfect mate as a way to rejected and avoid being with the real people who come into our lives now. It is a way of avoiding fears that we may have of relationships. See if that is what you are doing. Is it safer to have a fantasy than a real flesh and blood person to build a life with? Answer the following questions. What are the advantages to having a relationship? How will it improve your life? List as many as you can think of.
What are the disadvantages to having a relationship? How will it affect your live negatively? List as many as you can think of.
In order to resolve any concerns you have about relationships, you first must be aware and understand of them. Now that you have made your lists, please examine the disadvantages. Fantasy is a way of avoiding confronting such feelings. They must not be discounted, and you should ponder them closely. They constitute important obstacles standing in your way of having the relationship you desire. With this new awareness, you are now enabled to begin to resolve these concerns. How to deal with people who are waiting for the perfect mate. Be aware when a person is seeking an image, know that you will never perfectly fill that bill. Be who you are. Don't turn yourself into someone you think he/she will enjoy. They will know what you are doing, lose respect, run away. Be warm and caring. Touch your mate softly. Don't reject his/her fantasies. If he/she is a person who is controlled by his peer group, see if you fit into his/her group image? For some people, the perfect person is stable, without too much passion. For others, it's just the opposite. Find out who the person is. If you do not fit his/her image, say good-bye, don't conform. Realize that everything changes. What seems perfect one day will seem flawed the next. Examine your feelings about yourself, the ways in which you feel imperfect. Work on these issues directly; Another person can never complete something you are lacking within. See if your desire for perfection is simply a way of avoiding falling from love. It is easier to focus on what is wrong with a person than on what is right? Make a practice of finding everything that is right about all the people you meet, day after day. This will bring you an entirely new perception of people and of life. Accept your own flaws, do not judge them. The more you love and accept yourself, the more perfect others will seem. Rather than look down upon others, make an effort to focus upon their beauty and goodness. Even if he/she isn't the right one for you, you can train yourself to find reality positive and comforting. SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP 3 Communication Pitfalls to Avoid What are the secrets of effective communication? How do we truly get what we want while also giving our partners what they need? Let's look at the top three communication problems that most couples have -- and see how they can be solved right here. Sometimes we communicate solely for the purpose of getting what we want, when we want it, whether the other person is able to give it or not. We sulk, pout, threaten, cajole or do whatever we can to make the other person feel bad. This kind of communication, however temporarily effective it may be, has a terrible effect on the long-term health of any relationship. Give it up. Respect what the other person has to offer. If they cannot give what you want to you, see if you can give it to yourself. Needless to say, this is one of the most dangerous kinds of communication, one that destroys many relationships. Lies, exaggerations, games and general deceptions all cause confusion and pain. They shake the very foundation of the relationship and eventually cause a deep breach in trust. Be conscious of the danger of this and stop it before it starts. If this is something that sounds familiar to you, address it in your own behavior first. When you are honest and forthright, you will no longer be willing to accept deceit from others. You will have integrity in your relationships, and a sharp eye. Double messages -- saying one thing and doing another -- are a very prevalent form of deceit. This can also take the form of promising something, either with actions or words, and not delivering. Double messages cause a great deal of confusion. Always pay attention to a person's actions. They are more aligned with the truth than their words. If their words contradict what they're doing, ignore what is being said. Understand that the person is conflicted and split within themselves, and don't allow them to make you feel that way as well. SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP When Your Husband Becomes Your Father When Ava - a tall, willowy, graphic artist in her late twenties - met Paul, she was immediately struck by how different he was from other guys she had dated -- particularly her father. After years of struggling with a powerful, authoritative father who treated everyone like an employee in his huge import-export company, Ava was utterly relieved by Paul’s mellow nature and spontaneous life style. A professional musician who taught in a small private school, Paul played the guitar for her. They took long walks at the beach and he often brought her a much-cherished single rose. “He won’t even wear a jacket to dinner,” Ava told her best friend Lee. “He says it confines him. He needs his freedom. Can I ever relate to that. His hair is rumpled, his eyes sparkle. What a pleasure.” Ava and Lee smiled at the same moment, both knowing well the intense struggle Ava had waged for years to get out of her father’s iron grip, to assert her own needs and values. Above all, she couldn’t bear authoritative men who ordered her around. Up to now, most of her relationships with men had been short-circuited by her fear of being dominated again. The fact that her father was sure to dislike Paul made the match seem sweeter. True to expectation, as soon as her father met Paul, he waged a full out war against him. There was nothing about him he liked. He even threatened to disinherit his only daughter, and, true to form, Ava’s mother remained in the background, refusing to get involved. Her father’s constant refusal to accept the match, and barrage of criticism, helped push the couple to set the big date much sooner than they would have otherwise. What Ava never imagined though, was that, soon after the marriage, everything would change. Paul began to look up to Ava’s father, even admire him. His own father had died when he was twelve, and Paul soon gravitated towards the strong male role model in his new family. At first, family visits were fraught with tension, but little by little, Ava noticed Paul and her father sitting comfortably together eventually, even chatting like friends. By the time the first year of their marriage was over, to Ava’s consternation, Paul began to comb his hair carefully, pay more attention to his clothing, and even talk of leaving his career in music and taking a job in a large company. “It didn’t really hit me,” she said, “until the second Sunday after our first anniversary, when I was sleeping late, as usual. Suddenly I woke and saw Paul standing over me at the side of the bed. I opened my eyes slowly and heard him saying, ‘I’m hungry. Get up.’ At first I thought I was dreaming. I rubbed my eyes. His voice got louder. ‘Did you hear what I said? I’m hungry.’ At that my eyes bolted open wide. ‘Who are you,” I asked, “my dad?’ Although startling, Ava’s story is not unusual. It is actually common for a man who was married as a refuge from,( or rejection of) a difficult father, to slowly turn into him. The woman is then faced, once again, with the very same issues she ran away from. After years of struggling with an overwhelming father who demanded that everyone serve him, Ava found him again, right in her own home. Patterns are powerful. Issues not addressed completely will -and must - return in our lives to be worked out again. These unresolved patterns can even attract a mate unconsciously similar to the difficult parent, even though, when they first meet, the opposite seems to be true. During the first six to nine months of a courtship, each party often feels greatly loved and accepted, insecurities are minimized, and only the most positive aspects of the person’s nature is seen. There is a sense of play and wonder about finally finding someone with whom one can bond. Other aspects of the personality are naturally submerged, giving the bonding a chance to take hold. Neither individual is aware of the “unresolved issues and patterns” within the other; there is a sense that the love between them will be able to withstand any storm. During this euphoric phase both parties believe they have found a person who is perfect for them. They are attracted by the conscious qualities of the partner they see before them. But, of course, this is only part of the whole picture. Unbeknownst to the individuals involved, there is also a deeper attraction that may be bringing the two together. That deeper attraction is often fuelled by the unconscious patterns, struggles, longings, desires and fears that an individual has played out with their love objects all their lives. These patterns do not disappear. Sooner or later they demand attention and force us to work them out. Somewhere deep within, the new partner must also be a match for them. According to Jung, the famed psychologist, these hidden aspects within an individual are called The Shadow Self. The Shadow Self is the darker, often unaccepted part of all individuals, is part of us we bury, struggle against and pretend does not exist. Any deep relationship, however, will call that Shadow Self to the light. It will force us to be in contact with all parts of ourselves. “Paul turned into my father right under my eyes,” said Ava. “His way of dressing grew more and more like him. He quit his job teaching music and went to work for a company as an administrator. Paul became more fascinated with my father than he was with me. Our relationship suffered greatly, as I refused to obey his peremptory demands ; the end of our second year of marriage, I was growing to hate him, and seriously considering divorce.” Although Ava is a dramatic example of this transformation, many women feel, over time, as though the man who was once a romantic interest has turned into a parental substitute. “What’s suppose to happens to the love and sex ?” Ava said sorrowfully. “And where was I? Back in the same struggles with Paul I’d gone through with my father my whole life long. To say I was disheartened is putting it mildly. I was furious.” During marriage, the original family configuration is naturally reconstructed, and the individual often projects onto the mate qualities he or she dealt with in the parent. When the original relationship with the parent has not been worked out, these projections can be lethal, not only plummeting the individual back into the original situation she thought she left, but bringing a sense of doom, as if this will go on forever. In these instances, the repetition compulsion - the compulsion to re-enact a painful situation so that it can be mastered and worked through – comes into play. An individual chooses a mate that resembles the parent in order to work through the original trauma, to make it right this time. When the original trauma cannot be worked through in the present day situation, many divorce or leave the relationship, thinking it will be different with someone else. But as they will sadly find, it can only be different when the person herself is different. In speaking of this pattern, Dr. Robert Jay Berk, Freudian Psychoanalyst and Training Analyst at the Postgraduate Center for Mental Health, says, “People have an unconscious knowledge of one another. They seek the opposite of what they really want. On the deepest level, Ava wanted to be back in a relationship with her father once again, to work things out.” When asked how he deals with this pattern in treatment, Dr. Berk said, “I try to find the small, little things the person has in common with the one they claim not to want. I try to help them see that although many aspects may be similar, this person really is not their parent after all. They have to learn that, in an unconscious way, some part of them really wanted this kind of partner; they have to make peace with those desires. They have to see their present anger is not as justified as they lead themselves to believe; it is simply a displacement from experiences in the past. I also help them see that it’s not their fault they picked this partner. I do not believe a person can be held responsible for the unconscious object choices.” When asked if Dr. Berk believed it was possible for a person to change, to find a new person who was not similar to the original parent, he replied, “Partially, it is. I have a patient, Andrew, who’s first wife was tremendously sadistic towards him, much like his mother. After working through much of his pain, he left her and re-married. His second wife can be difficult and angry at times, but not intentionally cruel. Though occasionally she has similar aspects to his mother, everything is milder and much more manageable. The two of them are happy.” Most psychoanalytic psychotherapies focus on returning to the past and working out the original relationship that caused the difficulty, on becoming aware of and taking responsibility for, one’s own unconscious wishes and drives. No matter how much trouble we’ve had with a parent, it is difficult to give up the original love object in our lives. Trouble and pain can feel familiar in love, and a relationship without it can feel strangely empty, unsatisfying. Carolyn, the daughter of an alcoholic father, was force to watch her father’s drinking problem ruin the family and himself. One minute he was the father she always wanted, the next minute, in the grip of alcohol. He abandoned everything the family felt important - in particular, Carolyn. After graduating high school, she left home against her family’s wishes, and put herself through nursing school. She swore to herself she would never even date a man who took more than one drink occasionally. “It was a new life for me,” said Carolyn. “I saw new faces, new horizons and new dreams I could build for myself. I told myself my father’s endless bouts with alcohol couldn’t touch me any longer. I started dating slowly, and then met Ed, a fine young man from a Christian home. His family never had to deal with alcoholism and that itself made me feel safe. Ed’s solid upbringing made him seem even more attractive to me. After a year of dating, we decided to marry. I didn’t want to risk meeting others, as I always worried about whether or not they would turn to drink. With Ed, I felt certain he would not.” When coming from a problem family, many women will choose the first person who seems healthy and stable as an antidote to the chaos they were raised in. In Carolyn’s case the mate became someone to rescue her from her past. The world felt fundamentally unsafe to her and she felt unable to explore it freely, to choose a partner based upon a mutual desire for adventure and growth. Her choice instead, was based on a desire for safety and security, on the hope that nothing would change. In Carolyn’s case, she was marrying Ed’s stable family, as well as marrying him. A healthy family was something she always longed for, and she felt she had finally found it. But what she didn’t realize was that she and Ed would have to create their own family, and that all healthy families require flexibility and the ability to accept growth and change. “The first few years of our marriage were pleasant,” Carolyn went on. “Not passionate, but I wasn’t looking for passion, although occasionally Ed told me he wanted more of it. He was raised in a repressed family and said, at times, he wanted to feel freer with me. I didn’t know what he was talking about; I was only looking for a caring, sincere and dependable man.” For many raised in dysfunctional families, passion and chaos are associated; they therefore fear passion and spontaneity and spend the greater part of their time trying to keep things under control. While this can feel safe, it can also become stifling, as Ed implied to Carolyn. “I thought everything was going well,” Carolyn continued, “and was only slightly upset when in the third year of our marriage Ed started staying out later and later to complete projects at work. It never even occurred to me that he was not at work, but with the boys at a bar. When I found this out, I was stunned and shaken to my core. Not only had he lied to me, but he was spending time drinking, something he had never done. I confronted him immediately and raised my voice loud. That startled him, but I kept it going, warning him that he had better never go to a bar again. He looked at me like I was crazy. Deep in my gut, I realized big trouble was on the way.” Some psychologists might say that Carolyn was engaging in catastrophic expectations, imagining the worst as if it were a present reality and making a situation more extreme than it was. Ed insisted he needed some male companionship and was thus joining friends for a drink, something that men do routinely. However, for Carolyn, this brought back memories of her father, his alcoholism, and all the pain she’d suffered because of it. What she feared the most was upon her. Carolyn did not perceive the present situation for what it was, but projected her entire past upon it. When an individual nurtures a secret fear and does everything in his/her power to not let it happen, this fear is always on their mind, either consciously or semi-consciously; allowing the fear so much attention and energy, we draw it to ourselves. Sooner or later, what we pay attention to increases and appears in our lives. Some would say our dwelling upon it makes it happen. Ed refused to give up his time with the boys, something that was important to him. Hurt and outraged, Carolyn refused him sex and kept calling him a drunk. Ed felt he was back once again in his repressive family. Neither of them felt as if they knew the person they had once married. When Ed tried to assure her he had only one or two drinks, Carolyn refused to believe him. Deep within she was convinced he was lying to her, as her father had. She became shrewish and hateful, something she’d watch her mother become. Also, a lot of the rage she’d held towards her father now came out at Ed. The more she railed against him, the longer he stayed away with the boys at the bar – and the more he turned to drink. “In a way she forced me to drink,” Ed mumbled, confused and unhappy when they finally came to counseling. “She kept telling me I was a drunk and I grew to believe it. I also drank to get away from her and her rotten yelling.” The marriage was about to dissolve when the two of them sought counseling to help them sort out what had happened. Carolyn had to communicate her pain and disappointment with her original father and find a way to forgive and release him before she could go on with Ed; Ed had to understand how he’d contributed to the situation and how that related to his own family’s past. Little by little, with patience and effort, the two of them worked to salvage a marriage they both had once had high hopes for. Dr. Selwyn Mills, Gestalt Therapist and leader of men’s groups says, “When two people meet, they recognize unconsciously who the person really is. Although in the early part of a relationship each projects what the other desires, as they get to know each other better, each person becomes more relaxed and more of who they really are. Not only Carolyn, but also Ed, re-created an early family scenario.” When asked how he would work with Carolyn in therapy, Dr. Mills said, “I would focus upon her resolving her issues with her father. Until that happened, she could never be available for any healthy relationship. I would have her visualize her father when she was a little girl, think of an incident in which he made her feel upset and helpless. In the course of the visualization, I would then ask her to bring her Adult Self in, to talk to her father and tell him that she won’t tolerate this behavior anymore. Not only will the little Carolyn feel protected, but her telling her father this in the visualization would then carry over in her present relationships with men. She would be able to set boundaries for what was and was not acceptable to her. It would also free her to be looser and more at ease in other aspects of the marriage, where her husband required more spontaneity, feeling and play.” As a Gestalt therapist, Dr. Mills focuses upon the different selves that live within an individual. Although chronologically we grow older, the young child within us, who has been hurt or traumatized may live on and respond to current threatening situations as it had years ago. The work in this kind of treatment is to protect, support, give voice to, and help that young child say now what it could not in the past, to eventually grow up and find mature ways to handle problems which were once overwhelming. This work is based upon the idea that in order to be mature and whole, all parts of ourselves have to be heard, make friends with each other and work in conjunction with one another. For a relationship to be happy and successful, sometimes the free, playful child is needed, other times, the mature adult. When a husband becomes the father, it is useful to notice the ways in which the relationship is turning the woman into a small child, or the ways in which she might be calling out the father in him, wishing herself to regress and have the safety and security of a strong parent at home once again. When all parts of ourselves and our wishes can be acknowledged and accepted for what they are, growth and integration are possible. One can find healthy ways to be a child and express delight, passion and play and also be able to call upon the inner adult and find mature solutions to differences that necessarily arise in all relationships over time. What we resist, persists. If we resist and deny our fears, they will persist in our lives. When we face and express them wisely, we can rise beyond them and live a life of inner and outer freedom – we can allow our husband to turn into our father, and receive the positive parenting we may need from him. He does not have to get stuck in that role, however. We can also allow him to be a lover, a child, a friend, and most of all, to be himself. True health consists of flexibility, spontaneity, awareness, and acceptance of all parts of both our partners and ourselves. SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP The Two Most Common Communication Problems Without effective communication, no relationship stands a chance. We talk (and listen) all day long, but only a small part of our communication takes place in words. Most of the time we believe the other is listening to and understanding what we saying, but by and large, this is not the case. Most of the time the other person is planning what he or she will say back, or tuning out, or building up some kind of fantasy that has nothing to do with what is going on at that moment.When we are fighting, we want more than ever to be understood and words go flying back and forth like arrows. At this point, resolution to the problem can be far away. So what are the secrets of effective communication? How do we truly get what we want and give each other what we need? Let's look at the top two communication problems and see how they can be solved. Once this is done, you'll be off to a wonderful start in building the kind of relationship you have always wanted. Before you are able to communicate effectively, you must look carefully at your intention. Are you communicating in order to be understood, to get what you want, or do you have another intention behind the words you are saying? Many couples end up just wanting to prove that they are in the right and their partner is wrong (and always has been). This is communication as war. These words are filled with anger and blame. They cause the other person to feel small, bad or inadequate. The words in these communications are never listened to. However what is read loud and clear is the anger and righteousness behind what is being said. To remedy this, decide that you will stop blaming each other, and give each other a chance to truly be heard. Decide you do not have to prove a case, but find a way to establish a bridge of mutual understanding. These intentions are tremendously helpful in allowing a relationship to succeed. Remember, communication consists not only of talking, but also listening and hearing what is being said. We can do a whole workshop on the art of listening, but to start, it is crucial to realize that each person can only truly "hear" what is being said if they are willing to put aside their own point of view and really be available to know the heart and mind of the other. This is not as simple as it sounds. Many of us immediately interpret what we are hearing, and put it into a ready-made slot. Others distort what is being said. Others pretend to listen, but are occupied with their own thoughts. A solution to this is to repeat to the other what you think they have said. Let them know how their communication is filtering through to you. Let them make adjustments to your version of their message. And finally, be willing to really hear what they mean. SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP 3-Step Relationship Makeover Are you in a relationship rut? This is your chance to renew the romance in your life, but it's up to you! Love is like a precious To start your relationship makeover, write down three weeds that you have allowed to grow. You can start with something small or jump right in with the biggest weed of all, taking our partner or their love for granted, which is a surefire way to have love fade away. Step two in your relationship makeover is making a list of things that you can do to let your partner know what he means to you. Does he have a soft spot for something? Is there something that you could do to remind him of the most romantic part of your courtship? Just saying "I love you" is not enough. Love needs to be expressed in hundreds of small ways. Step three is easy. Take some action today! Without deeds of love, words lose their meaning. When we do this, our relationships cannot help but grow, in fact, our relationships are made over, fresh and new day by day. As we practice the laws of love, the weeds in our relationships disappear all by themselves. SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP The Art of Forgiveness Recovering from any kind of betrayal is never easy. When it comes to forgiving her husband for his affair, iVillager Julie wonders: "Am I letting him get off too easy? Should I be making him suffer more? I'm very torn about where mercy and being a doormat differ." And she's certainly not alone. No matter what the issue once was, forgiveness is always a difficult -- but real -- part of relationships. And knowing where to start is often the hardest part. Many people think that they must just let go of the past to move on. Along with causing grief and trepidation, that approach limits personal growth. Plus, memories and traces of the past are always with us -- for some as wounds, for others as treasures. But, when we try to block out the past from our lives, it resurfaces at the oddest times: Old Rather than hate a period of our life, the person we "used to be" or people we've met along the way, learn to find the way each experience helped us become strong. When we take this approach our entire life opens up and we begin to build bridges naturally. Then, each person we meet -- whether we like them or not -- becomes another bridge, a new way to deepen the love and understanding we become capable of. The most important bridges are the ones that allow us to forgive another, to make peace with the pain we've suffered, and to allow resentment and judgment to subside. How can we forgive?
When our own loving hearts are fully developed, we can fulfill our own expectations and whatever else we are yearning for. Only after we've forgiven are we free to let new people and experiences into our world. Only then are we free to truly live in the present. SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP Different Ways Men ExpressTheir Love “I can sleep with her, marry her, take care of her, but love – that’s something else,” said Tony, a married man in his late forties. “Guys don’t like to talk about love. They don’t know what to say. Of course guys do love. But they express it differently.” Despite this fact, most women do not feel happy unless they hear those golden words, I love you. Men need to hear them as well. And yet, as much as men want love, many fight it to the last minute. Love can make men feel vulnerable, childlike, and unable to do what’s expected of them, especially those who believe they’re functioning in a dog eat dog world. Still men do love, and different types of men express their love differently. In fact, love means different things to a man, at different times in his life. A woman needs to be alert to who the man she is with is, and what love means to him. As discussed in my book, What He Can’t Tell You And Needs To Say, there are broadly, Four Types Of Men, and for each of these types, love will mean something different, and certainly be expressed in different manners. Although most women wait to hear the golden words, “I Love You,” here are 5 different ways that men use to express what they are feeling. The first way is simply by saying “I Love You.” Actually, saying these words is a huge step for some men. It means a lot more than simply expressing a feeling. For some it feels like a life commitment, for others it is fraught with danger. “When I say I love you,” said Steve, “I feel like I’m taking my life in my hands and giving it to her. It’s scary. I’ve got to really trust her and know she won’t throw my love away in order to actually say the words to her.” In this case the fear of rejection comes up strongly. Rejection is enormously painful for most men, and saying "I Love You”, can be an invitation to be hurt. Most men must feel very secure in the relationship and in the woman’s feelings for him, before he’ll dare say those words. For others, saying “I love you,” means, I’m offering a commitment. I’m going to be here to do things for you. For many men, love is expressed through action, so these words are a promise of what is to follow. Simply by saying these words they feel they are agreeing to be there to give to her and support her. If they don’t do it, they’ll feel like a heel. For others, the words means, I’m not leaving, or I’ll always be faithful This can be very scary for some men. They feel the words themselves are a promise, and if the promise is broken, they will suffer as well. However, there is another type of man, The Lovers, Dreamers and Peter Pans, who enjoy falling in love and letting the world know it. These men will say “I Love You” easily. There are many different motives behind their words though. Some say it to get a woman to make love with him, others to enter into a romantic fantasy, some to feel as though they are the great lover of all time. By saying these words, others seem to be offering the woman the world, (that they have no intention of giving). Others say it just for the sheer pleasure of seeing how good it makes the woman feel, and how powerful this makes him. When a woman hears those precious words, she should step back a moment and put them in context. What do they mean to this particular man? Are there other ways she might also realize that he loves and is caring for her? Another way men express their love, is through bringing gifts to the woman. There are many different kinds of gifts a man can give. The obvious ones include those wrapped in packages, candy, flowers, special notes. But there are others that a woman may or may not be aware of. For example, for some men, giving their time to you, is a gift. they spend more time with you, and less with family and friends, this is their way of saying they love you. They are choosing to be with you. For them, the conclusion should be obvious – that they love you. There are other gifts that can be given as well, standing up for you during a difficult time, going with you to your family, doing things for you, attending important functions with you, planning trips, dates or outings, and putting you first in their thoughts. As many men are not so comfortable with expressing their feelings directly, these behaviors are indicators that they care a great deal. Many expect the woman to realize that these actions are being generated because they love. Another one of the Four Types Of Men are the perfectionists Although being controlled is not being loved, in the pure sense of the word, to many men and women, the two overlap. Many women feel cared for when the man wants to know where she’s going during the day, who she’s with, and what she’s doing. “It’s a sign that he cares a great deal,” said Renee. “Sure, it can be annoying that he’s so controlling, but if he wasn’t, truthfully, I don’t think I’d feel loved or cared about.” For Renee this kind of behavior produces a sense of security. Even though he’s controlling her, at least she’s on his mind, and in this way she feels she’s controlling him as well. She translates this to mean that the man is involved, he cares about what she’s doing. He wants to make sure that she doesn’t spend more time with others than she does with him. Other men say “I love you” through physical displays. They are affectionate and spend quality time making love to you. Some men can most easily express their feelings during love making. After being intimate they feel as though they’ve loved you, and often feel loved as well. The physical contact breaks down barriers and provides a feeling of closeness that cannot be so easily be obtained in another manner for them. Most women need affection and fore-play as well as sexuality. For the women this is what makes them feel loved. Some women require hearing words of spoken during this time as well. This can be a complex area, because sex can mean so many different things to different individuals. But when a man is open, giving and affectionate with a woman on an on-going basis, it is often his way of expressing love. For him love means meeting her needs and having his needs met as well. Some use sexuality to avoid or cover up areas in the relationship that might be difficult. They feel that if the sex is good, everything else will fall into place. Usually, when the sex is reluctant, or not happening, it is an indicator that something is missing emotionally, or that conflict exists in the relationship. Sex is a sensitive barometer to what’s going on in all aspects of one’s life. Another way of saying “I Love You” is taking you home to meet the family, (and close, meaningful friends). This is often an indicator that the man has deeper feelings for you. Not only does it say that he’s proud of you, but he wants to connect you with the people who mean the most to him. He wants you to care about them, and for them to care about you as well. This is a sure sign that intimacy and love is increasing for him, that you are becoming a significant part of his life. Some women complain a great deal about not having met the family, being kept separate and apart. When this goes on for too long in a relationship, it can be a sign that the depth of his feelings for you, and his involvement is lacking. Some men compartmentalize relationships, they have someone for dating, someone for sex, someone else for the kind of love that leads to marriage. By being aware of the people in his life that he introduces you to, and includes you with, you can get a good idea of how he operates in this area. Does he want you in all parts of his life, or is this a limited relationship? Love, in the deepest sense, includes sharing all parts of ourselves with another. It is helpful to keep a little journal of your relationship. So many acts and expressions of love go unnoticed and unfelt, because we simply get used to them, or are too busy to stop and take note – or to stop and say thank you. In the journal of your relationship, take a few minutes each evening to note, what you received that day, and also what you gave. Write it down. Be specific. List everything, like phone calls, kind words, a surprise visit, etc. It will be amazing to you to realize all the ways your partner is giving to you, and it will be wonderful to find new ways to give back to him. SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP Getting Him To Talk Women complain they can't get men to talk. When time comes for Men are silenced by different factors - the roles they are forced to If she knows too much about me, I'll be putty in her hands, said In order to bring out the best in a man, and hear all of what he has to He's got to feel he's not going to be rejected. Men are afraid if Feeling judged is another form of rejection. Listen to what he is There must be mutual disclosure between partners. Everybody has If an individual feels his communication will be distorted, misunderstood, told to others, or thrown back at him at a later date, Listen to what he wants to say and be willing to take action to give In order to communicate honestly, you have to accept honesty How can we be true to ourselves if we don't know who we are? We all can and must grow into newer and larger senses of ourselves SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP Infusing Spirit Into Your Relationships There is one sure fire medicine which cures all pain and difficulty and opens the way for your greater good. It allows you to sleep well at night, wake up refreshed and filled with enthusiasm for your daily tasks. When you take this medicine obstacles evaporate and wonderful meetings with others proliferate tremendously. This medicine is abundantly available, has no side effects and can be taken in large or small doses regularly. You need no one to prescribe it. The more you take, the sweeter it is. This medicine is the practice of thankfulness. Notice, I said "practice." Thankfulness of this kind must become more than a fleeting feeling, it must become a way of life. This way of life can also be called the way of doing and giving, of practicing "deeds of worth." Although there are endless cures for anxiety, one thing is impossible - to be depressed and grateful at the same time. Thankfulness takes many forms, but unless it is translated into consistent action it does not have the ongoing impact we are speaking of. In order to infuse spirit into all your relationships, thankfulness must become a verb. You must find a way to express it daily, and to become constantly aware of all you have to be grateful for. You are not then giving out of obligation, but out of a full heart. You are no longer aware of all you are lacking, but all you are receiving moment by moment. Now we are speaking of two prongs of thankfulness practice, the practice of doing thanks, and of working with our attention. We take our attention off our usual self-centered focus and habitual complaining mind, and continually make ourselves aware of what we are receiving from the other, and what we can give in return. Most of our attention is on the giving part as well. Even if we do not feel we are receiving anything at the moment, by giving to the other wholeheartedly, we will receive a great deal in return - the joy of living with an open heart. When an individual leaves a relationship, or is not functioning well in it, the bottom line is that there has been a lack of gratitude - they feel unappreciated, unacknowledged, unknown for who they truly are and all they can be. When flowers receive plenty of sun and water, they grow unabashedly. Human relationships are no different. The sun of gratitude goes a very long way. By doing "deeds of worth", expressing our thankfulness through actions, through giving of gifts, emotional gifts, physical gifts, service gifts, a strong foundation is built in any relationship - a foundation which allows spirit to live. These deeds must be performed consistently, much the way we brush our teeth each day. In the morning, ask yourself, what can I do to make this day wonderful for --------------? What are they needing? How can I help supply that need? In this practice we take our focus off our expectations of the other and focus upon how we can help them to grow. This is not a matter of self-sacrifice, but a matter of becoming all we truly are. Through giving to the other, we also grow. To do this we must change our focus, giving up the tunnel vision most of us have lived with our whole life long. No relationship or project can falter when it is based upon deep caring for the other and for our true selves. Our true selves wants to give, it wants to open its heart and sing songs. Unless our actions in relationships comes out of this foundation, no lasting well being can occur. A great psychologist "Jourard once said, "We become sick because we act in sickening ways." When our actions, however, are firmly based upon giving, and deeds of worth, this is the road to lasting health. SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP A Peaceful Place In The Storm No matter what is happening in the world around us, it is never necessary to become stuck in depression, fear or other negativity. We are not the victims of the world we see, but have the ability to mobilize ourselves and create a positive, life giving response. There are simple steps to take and truths to know, which when absorbed and practiced easily turn our state of mind around - and can effect the world outside as well. Depression and fear can easily become addictive. The longer we stay in those states of mind, the more difficult it can become to leave them. Our world grows smaller, our focus constricts, and we begin to develop catastrophic expectations which seem inevitable. In this process we lose touch with the power of our own true nature to choose, decide, renew, and to take actions which counteract the negativity that has been presented to us. In fact, it is the responsibility of every mature adult, to take the reins of his/her life back in her hands and steer it in the direction of her own choosing. This takes courage and practice, but with the tools of Centering it is easy to do. The more we do it, the stronger we grow, and the more we can see negativity for what it is, a shadow of our real selves, with no intrinsic power of its own, other than that which we give it. Centering The practice of Centering is ancient and has many forms and components. All exercise, martial arts and forms of meditation and prayer are ways to achieve centering and balance in the truth of who we are. They are ways of tapping into the fundamental strength and wisdom all individuals are endowed with. In Zen they say, "Open the treasure house within." This reminds us that we are endowed with gifts which are far greater than we currently realize or employ. When we integrate Centering with psychological practice, we develop an entirely different way of working with the pain, confusion and difficult relationships that most individuals find themselves in. In this article, two Centering practices will be offered. While both are simple, they are very powerful. When either of them is taken on and practiced daily, changes will soon be seen. Attention We are what we think about. Morita, a Japanese psychiatrist, the founder of Morita Therapy, states that all neurosis comes from frozen attention that has gotten stuck and fixed upon recurring negative thoughts. In the West we call this obsession. In the world of Zen, this condition is described as being in the grip of one's ego, pre-occupied by self centered thoughts. The more we give attention to that which is destructive, the more strength it has to rule our lives. This can be counteracted rather easily. Take back your attention. Do not let it be absorbed by all that is presented to it. The power of focus is the power of life. Spend time each day developing focus and concentration. This is also called meditation. Withdraw yourself from the chaotic external world for a period of time each day, and pull your attention back within. Sit with a straight back, do not move and concentrate upon your breath. Let random thoughts come and go. Do not suppress them, but do not let them grab your attention away. (At first you may be besieged by many surprising thoughts and feelings, but if you simply notice them and then return your attention to your breathing, these will soon die down). Count your breath from one to ten, then all over again. Do this for at least ten to fifteen minutes without moving. By not moving we are stopping what is called the monkey mind, the mind which jumps from one thing to the next, fears, demands, grabs and sabotages our lives. It is the monkey mind which causes our sorrow and fear. But it is only a part of us, it cannot take over our lives, when we take our attention back. By doing this daily, we are strengthening new parts of ourselves which can guide and lead us in a new direction, one of meaning, and well being. When concentration grows, do this practice for a little longer. Soon we will not be able to be without this time in the silence. From the silence comes all kinds of treasures, including healing of our minds and hearts. This wonderful time spent with oneself is a simple way to attain perspective, become able to see clearly and be planted in the larger truth. We do not become so carried away by momentary problems or feel as vulnerable anymore. This time becomes a fortification against many storms which naturally besiege us. We develop a place within ourelves to which we can always return, for wisdom, strength and comfort. When we allow the external world to consume us, we are simply giving our natural treasures away. Centering is different than conventional models of treating psychological problems. Here we focus upon the strengths, not the weaknesses. We find the health of the individual and encourage that to grow. Little by little the illness and fear is no longer needed and drops away by itself. This model by-passes the illusions that grip us. It gives them no credence at all. Rather than struggle to analyze and undo our patterns, we work directly with our attention. The question before us always is: What am I focussing on this moment? Am I present to the breathing, or lost somewhere in a dream, dwelling upon the pains and wrongs I think have others have done me, or the terrible things that can happen someday? Reality continually renews and confronts us with new tasks, challenges, opportunities and solutions, day after day. Are we in touch with this ever flowing reality? Are we asking ourselves what is available now, what gifts we are receiving and what we can give to others, or are we dwelling upon how wronged, threatened or deprived we've always been? By taking our attention off our toxic inner dialogue, and focussing upon what is before us, right now, we directly interfere with the habitual patterns that are the primary cause of our suffering. As we do this faithfully, the second step of Centering appears. At a certain moment we become aware that depression and gratitude, or the willingness to be of service, cannot co-exist in the same person at the same time. When we are totally absorbed with our own safety, security or well being, our natural life force and ability to live fulfilling lives becomes blocked When our focus and life are primarily self absorbed, revolving around self centered dreams, what we are needing and what others are thinking of us, we live in a prison without bars. Any insult, real or imagined, can become the cause of great pain, resulting in withdrawal and retreat into fantasies. Underlying feelings of worthlessness emerge, producing additional depression, hostility and stress. In Centering we change our focus to all that we are receiving, what others need, what we can give, what has to be done, moment by moment, person by person. And then we do it. We take action. We do not hesitate. When our focus is put upon simple daily actions, and upon doing "deeds of service," the monkey mind is dismantled and passing emotions do not take center stage. As we Center we learn to do each action with full attention, (no matter how small or large). We do not dwell upon the outcome. Our joy and satisfaction comes from acting with a whole heart and mind. Results and consequences are secondary, and take care of themselves. When we are not absorbed by concern for outcomes, how much anxiety can we ever have? The medicine Centering offers is simple and direct. It has no negative side effects and the more one takes it the sweeter it tastes. As we learn to do each task wholeheartedly, we then naturally evolve into doing "deeds of worth". The most powerful antidote to psychological suffering is an individual's sense of self worth. This does not come about through artificially boosting self esteem, but as a result of living a life worthy of respect. Each individual must make a personal alignment between their daily actions and their highest values. In this way, each one learns to build a life that ennobles them, and is of natural service to others as well. As we become more and more available to the present moment, we become occupied with that which is valuable, and life giving. Not only does our resourcefulness increase, but our responses become fitting and appropriate to whatever it is that is needed. In this manner we can best handle any difficult situation and give what is needed to all. Not only does life feel like a gift we are constantly receiving, but we become a gift to life as well. SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP |