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Break Free from the Affair ArticlesInfidelity: How “My Marriage Made Me Do It” is a Cop-out
Extramarital Affairs: What you Need to Know
The Revenge Affair: Characteristics of the Adulterer
Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the Marriage
Emotional Infidelity: A Love Affair or Just Friends?
Signs of a Cheating Spouse...and How they Differ from Signs of Infidelity
From the Heart of a 16-year Old Infidelity: How “My Marriage Made Me Do It” is a Cop-out Ask someone why they had, or are having an affair and you may hear something like this: “I have a lousy marriage. My marriage is dead. There is no intimacy, no sex, and no excitement. The love is gone. We’ve grown apart. I can’t stand the marriage. There was nothing happening in the marriage and the affair just happened.” Key points: 1. It’s as if a marriage is an animal gone bad. A marriage does not have a life of it’s own. In reality, there is no such thing as a “marriage.” One is “married” as a result of making some promises and signing a paper at one point. After the paper is signed, two people continue communicating and acting toward one another in particular ways that they hope will help them get what they individually want. Just as there is no “marriage,” there is no such thing as a “relationship.” There are, however, ways of relating for which each person is responsible. Remember the comedian Flip Wilson (that dates me) and his “The devil made me do it” skit? 2. We idealize “marriage” or “romantic relationships” with the expectation we will get what we want, without much effort to boot. The movies, popular public press and romance novels/stories don’t help much here. A “marriage” is behind the eight ball from the word go. “IT” can’t win. 3. From day one most of us don’t have a clue about how to get, build, nurture and maintain healthy and intimate ways of relating. We need ‘love 101’ and it’s not there. We rely upon experimentation or bad models. 4. If the “marriage” is dead, why in the world would one choose to have an affair? Talk about jumping from the frying pan into the fire. It really is stupid. You add a whole layer of deceit and shame that eventually will result in consequences more dire than approaching your spouse and saying, “I’m really unhappy. What I’m doing with you obviously is not working. I want out.” Oh well, maybe some people need more problems and suffering. 5. If the “marriage” is bad, obviously, I don’t have to look at me. I can blame “it” or the other. Some of us find it difficult to look at me. Some of us don’t know how to look at me. Some of us never think of looking at me. Tip: If your partner/spouse is having and affair and blames it on the “marriage,” don’t buy into it. The “marriage” is not the problem. You are not the problem. Your spouse/partner chose the affair out of ignorance, fear or inadequacy. The “My Marriage Made Me Do It” is just one of 7 affairs outlined in my E-book, “Break Free From the Affair.” For more information on the issues behind the other kinds of affairs and tips for dealing with them, visit my site. 46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair Some of these signs of a cheating spouse are 'tongue in cheek' while others are tell tale signs that commonly appear with a cheating husband or cheating wife. There is no copyright. Feel free to forward to those who might be interested. But please don't change anything. 1) You find birth-control pills in her medicine cabinet, and you've had a vasectomy. 2) Mutual friends start acting strangely toward you. (They either know about the cheating or have been told stories about what a horrible wife or girlfriend you are.) 4) Sets up a new e-mail account and doesn't tell you about it. 5) He leaves the house in the morning smelling like Irish Spring and returns in the evening smelling like Safeguard. 6) She joins the gym and begins a rigorous workout program. 7) She buys a cell phone and doesn't let you know. 8) He sets up a separate cell phone account that is billed to his office. 9) The cheating husband carries condoms, and you are on the pill. 10) Begins to delete all incoming phone calls from the caller ID. 11) Deletes all incoming e-mails when they used to accumulate. 12) He becomes 'accusatory,' asking if you are being true to him, usually out of guilt. 13) Raises hypothetical questions such as, 'Do you think it's possible to love more than one person at a time?' 14) He buys himself new underwear. 15) He insists the child seat, toys, etc., are kept out of his car. 16) The cheating wife stops wearing her wedding ring. 17) Has a sudden desire to be helpful with the laundry. 18) Has unexplained scratches or bruises on his or her neck or back. 19) Suddenly wants to try new love techniques. 20) He/she fairly suddenly stops having sex with you. 21) He/she suddenly wants more sex, more often. 22) Supposedly works a lot of overtime, but it never shows up on the pay stub. 23) Picks fights in order to stomp out of the house. 24) You find out by accident he or she took vacation day or personal time off from work - but supposedly worked on those days. 25) Shows a sudden interest in a different type of music. 26) Spouse's co-workers are uncomfortable in your presence. 27) Has a sudden preoccupation with his or her appearance. 28) Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, especially after you have gone to bed. 29) He throws up a lot because he just ate at his mistress's house and had to eat the dinner you prepared when he got home. 30) Your spouse is away from home, either nights or on trips, more than previously. 31) His/her clothes smell of an unfamiliar perfume or after-shave. You see lipstick on your husband's shirt. 32) The amount of money being deposited into your checking account drops off. 33) You find items of intimate apparel or other small gift-type items that you did not give your spouse. 34) Your spouse seems less comfortable around you and is 'touchy' and easily moved to anger. 35) You get calls where the caller hangs up when he or she hears your voice. 36) He/she loses attention in the activities in the home. 37) Your intuition (gut feeling) tells you that something is not right. 38) He/she has a definite change in attitude towards everyone in the home. 39) She uses a low voice or whisper on the phone or hangs up quickly. 40) She has a 'glow' about her. 41) Atypical erratic behavior. 42) He sneaks out of the house. 43) She sleeps with her purse by the bed. 44) She goes to the store for groceries and comes home 5 hours later. 45) He tells you that you can get hold of him at a different telephone number. 46) The telltale sign of a cheating spouse? Having to ask that question in the first place. What Everyone Needs to Know About Extramarital Affairs...and what you can do to help That may seem like a very steep number. However after two decades plus of full time work as a marriage and family therapist, I don't believe that number is off the charts. I worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who were never discovered. Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person's habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity. Maybe you will sense something 'out of character' but be unable to pinpoint what it is. It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the affair will continue to hide. The 'victim' of the extramarital affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the crisis. It might be important to confront the person with your observations, depending on the status of your relationship with the person. It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different purposes. Out of my study and experience with hundreds of couples I've identified 7 different kinds of infidelity. Briefly, some extramarital affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma. Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming 'trophy chasers.' This 'boys will be boys' mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some become involved in marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of 'being in love' and having that 'loving feeling.' An extramarital affair might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different. Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging question of being 'OK' may lead to usually a short-term and one-person affair. And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse. The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience and understanding. The emotional impact of the discovery of infidelity is usually profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity follow. It typically takes 2 – 4 years to 'work through' the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don't recommend 'marriage' counseling, at least initially. The devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered – of one's ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one's self. Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with. How can you help? Those in the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you: 1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say what I shouldn't be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest. 3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion. 4. I want to hear sometimes, 'What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?' I may need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture. 5. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through this. 6. I want someone to point out some new options or different roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated. 7. When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think I might find helpful. 8. I want to hear every so often, 'How's it going?' And, I may want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it IS going. 9. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and what I may want. 10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor that. Extramarital affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity – to redesign one's life and love relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true intimacy. Extramarital Affairs: What you Need to Know Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have a cheating spouse and will need relationship help. That may seem like a very steep number. However after two decades plus of providing marriage counseling, I don’t believe that number is off the charts. I worked with a great number of people involved in affairs who were never discovered. The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be involved in extramarital affairs (any of the three parties) is extremely high. Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs of infidelity cheating. You will notice changes in the person habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity. Maybe you will sense something “out of character” that you cannot pinpoint.It is not a given that the cheating spouse will tell you. Those hiding the affair will continue to hide. The “victim” of the affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the crisis and is focused on merely surviving infidelity. It might be important to confront the person with your observations, depending on the status of your relationship with the person. Cheating Husbands and Emotional Infidelity: What kind of affairs? It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different purposes. Out of my study and experience with cheating husbands and hundreds of couples I’ve identified 7 different kinds of affairs. Briefly, some affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage and may result in emotional infidelity. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma. Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming “trophy chasers.” This “boys will be boys” mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Marital Infidelity: different signs Some become involved in an affair because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of “being in love” and having that “loving feeling.” Marital infidelity might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different. Another affair serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. Signs of infidelity in this case are short-term and one-person affairs. And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse. Surviving Infidelity and Saving the Marriage The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different affairs demand different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience and understanding.The emotional impact of the discovery of the affair is usually profound. Signs of a cheating spouse usually lead to days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity. It typically takes 2 – 4 years to “work through” the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the infidelity. I don’t recommend marriage counseling, at least initially. The devastating emotional impact of infidelity results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered – of one’s ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one’s self. Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.Addressing these two dynamics as they play out in 7 different kinds of infidelity becomes the key to not merely surviving infidelity but moving the person and relationship to a new levels of understanding and intimacy.------------------------------------ Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: Break Free from The AffairMarital Infidelity: 11 Stubborn Barriers to"Makingover" Your Relationship By Dr. Huizenga - The Infidelity Coach Your relationship has suffered a deep wound. Both of you have a level of commitment to "make it work." The OP is out of the picture - a least to a large degree. You know there is a crisis. You know you must "get at" the problem. Now is the time. If you don't address the crisis NOW, in some way, you know the chances for having a vibrant rich relationship are spiraling downward. Efforts to "makeover" your relationship demand a fair degree of feeling safe with one another. Begin to talk about the barriers. Listen, without judgement, as your partner talks about his/her perceptions. Addressing the "processes" in your relationship rather than the "content" is often a fruitful starting point. ------------------------------------ Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: Break Free from The AffairDoes it Feel Like a "Game" that you "Should" but Don't Want to Play? Here is a very insightful e-mail from someone who has poured over my material, and probably the material of many others. She describes a powerful dilemma, if not expressed by others, at least felt by others. Here is her e-mail: It strikes me that you're sending something of a double-bind message in these materials. On the one hand, I'm by no means to consider any of this to be my fault, but on the other, I should set about improving myself, perhaps with the underlying intention of "winning him/her back." And as I embark on my "improvement" program I find myself in competition with the OP (other person.) Now, how can I "win" that? She gets the candlelight, conversations and sexual excitement of dimly lit hotel rooms. I get the harsh and utterly unforgiving light of day-to-day reality. Quite right that I need to be fit and happy for myself, but some of this seems like a game to me... a game I seemingly can't win. I'm tired of the game. ------------------------------ My Response: Gosh, you hit the nail on the head! THE dilemma: Do I need to play the game better? Or, How do I extricate myself from the game and still care about him? After all, an affair is a game, initiated usually by someone who is developmentally arrested (most did not "do" adolescence very well), has a character disorder (loves "the game"), Struggles with addictions or suffers from feelings of inadequacy (needs to prove their adequacy or migrates to those familiar feelings of being inadequate). Because he/she plays the game doesn't mean that you have to. It also means you can (eventually, perhaps) care and "connect" with him/her. Yes, The affair in NOT your fault. Did you make mistakes? Well, I would assume so! Who doesn't? And really, you don't carry the power to control the behavior of others! :) Yes, the "improvements" are subtly conveyed as those things we need to do win the game or get the guy. And, of course, they don't work, or if they work, we get the guy and say, "Hmmmm, is this all there is!?" And, if we pursue these "improvements" to win him/her back we are merely playing the game, and feel this lack of personal integrity. Not playing the game means standing back, learning about you, seeing the affair for what it REALLY is, and connecting to your partner by making comments "about" him/her, the situation and/or yourself. For example, you assume this other person is getting something special - and our media does a number on us with their portrayal of "romantic love." It may appear so, but affair relationships have a terribly horrible track record. I get a number of emails from those involved in an affair who feel trapped or on a course of self-destruction. And, usually those relationships self-destruct in very messy ways. Learning about yourself is very different from "making improvements" you described. You don't have to improve! You need not "get better!" You are ok. But, you do want to grow and create a richer more whole life for yourself and those you touch. This goes beyond a hard body, although a hard body might feel good and be what you want also. But, you want it for Here are some questions you may ask, to move you in the direction of self awareness and away from the game playing: 1. What am I tolerating? What am I willing to tolerate? How and what can I stop tolerating? 2. How can I simplify my life - getting rid of all the relational and physical clutter - so I live from a center of peace (well, sometimes at least)? 3. How do I clear my mind of all the thoughts of what I should've, could've or would've done? How do I throw off the baggage I carry? 4. How do I become a person of extreme integrity - doing that which is right/healthy FOR ME? 5. How do I speak my personal needs in a way that others naturally want to respond, "yes, let me know how I can help you." How do you get beyond your neediness? 6. What do I need to do right now to manage my life (finances, children, body, work, etc.) in a way that gives a sense of well being, where I can say, "This is good!" 7. What boundaries need to surround me to protect my soul, heart and mind from the slings and arrows of toxic people and situations? 8. What are the standards in my life? How can I double my standards to be more fully me? 9. How can I create reserves of time, space, money, energy, opportunity, love, information, wisdom, self and integrity in my life - getting beyond my neediness so I may live bound by purpose? 10. How can I live RIGHT NOW rather than regretting the past or fearing the future? 11. How can I surround me with people I want and who are good for me and me for them? 12. How do I protect what is vitally important for me? 13. How do I orient my life around my values so I feel truly fulfilled by the goals I set and met? As you move through these questions (and you won't complete this in a couple days, or weeks, or months) declare your thoughts and findings to him/her. Act on tolerating less, let him/her know your boundaries, state your standards, live out your values in his/her presence. And, feel free to make comments regarding what you observe, or don't observe in his/her life. Don't compete. Don't try to measure up. Be you. And, be curious about him/her. I know - easier said than done. But here is a game plan that puts you above the "game." ------------------------------------ Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: Break Free from The Affair Extramarital Affairs: When Sexual Addiction and Infidelity Meet One kind of extramarital affair revolves around sexual addiction. The partner involved in the affair, plain and simple, has a difficult time saying "NO." He/she may want to, but feels compelled to say "yes." People can’t say no? Well, I believe we all have the capacity, at some level, to say no. However, not all have developed that capacity or reached that level to firmly say no and mean it. Some are “stuck” and seem to lack the ability to consistently act on the “no.” Please remember that all of us are “grabbed” by something and find it difficult to let go. Infidelity when connected to sexual addiction and its many forms, however, becomes a powerful focal point. How to know if infidelity is attached to sexual addiction: 1. Sex takes on an inflated role or value. Sex, sexual conquest, sexual release becomes a powerful force. Acting on the sexual impulse is a frequent activity. Thinking about sex likewise consumes an inordinate amount of time. Multiple ways of acting out sexually (porn, strip clubs, multiple sex partners, etc.) are common. 2. This activity is bound by fear. The person lives with fear: the fear of getting caught, the fear of consequences, the fear of “being found out,” the fear of being abnormal, the fear of being punished, and the fear of losing family, spouse, job and respect. 3. A promise/failure cycle ebbs and flows with the inability to say no. After an “acting out” episode the person usually experiences guilt/fear and promises to self or others, “I won’t do it again.” This will last...until the “urge” is acted upon again. The spouse may be aware or unaware (but sense that something is not “right”) of the “roller coaster” and succession of broken promises. 4. Others are used or seen as objects for personal gratification. No true intimacy is developed. 5. Sexuality is often confused with other needs or connected to unresolved past pain or trauma. A child who experiences confusion around sexuality or sexual abuse of one form or another, may carry along that confusion and attempt to “work that through” in a marriage or extramarital affairs. (I worked with one woman who “used” a one-night fling with a significant person to “clear up” a particular issue.) She was free of that “urge” from that point on. No one ever knew. Could she have chosen a different way? Maybe. 6. Such a person lives in a distorted world. They come to see the world and relationship through the eyes of their “addiction.” They have a great capacity to rationalize their behavior, deceive others and may lead a “dual” life. Tip: If you suspect these characteristics fit you or someone you love, get some help before your world disintegrates further or falls apart. Life can be different. Life, sexuality, a truly intimate relationship IS different. You can get there. You are stuck, and need some true love, care and guidance to arrive at the next level. ------------------------------------ Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: Break Free from The AffairThe Revenge Affair: Characteristics of the Adulterer "I Want to Get Back at Him/Her" is one of 6 kinds of affairs I outline in my E-book. This is the "revenge affair." It occurs in a marriage in which one feels slighted in some manner and seeks revenge by engaging in an affair. It is less a movement toward the other person and more a movement away from one’s spouse. The offending spouse usually lacks the skills of personal confrontation or is frightened by the prospect of someone "getting upset." When evaluating this kind of affair, make a distinction between revenge and rage. Revenge is not rage. Rage comes from a different source, as outlined in one of the other kinds of affairs. Here are some characteristics of the person who uses infidelity as revenge: 1. Usually is rather unpredictable and erratic in his behavior. 2. Has a hard time making decisions. 3. Is often impatient and irritable when things don’t go her way. 4. Some of the resentment seems to “seep out” along the edges, maybe when you least expect it. 5. Engages in teasing. 6. Can be stubborn and unyielding. 7. May often take oppositional view and pride himself on being contrary or taking an unpopular stance. 8. Can have moments of impulsive behavior and be labeled high-strung or tightly wired. 9. Has an underlying worldview that is pessimistic. Glass is half empty. 10. Has a tendency to wine or complain. 11. May have moments of sullenness and dejection. 12. Women may respond very intensely during their menstrual cycle. Men may appear very moody at certain times of the month. 13. Manipulates others with unpredictability and demandingness. 14. Family of origin often marked by factions and sibling rivalry. 15. Has difficulty with intimacy since her behavior patterns push people away. ------------------------------------ Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: Break Free from The Affair Adultery as Sexual Addiction: Should You Stay Married? A New Article by Dr. Huizenga I outline 7 kinds of affairs in my E-book, "Break Free From the Affair." One affair, "I Can't Say NO!" is characterized by addictive tendencies. Infidelity (as well as pornography, strip clubs, online chatting, compulsive masturbation, etc.) may be a part of the sexual addiction. Often the spouse or partner of a sexually addicted person intuitively knows of the addiction and the struggle his/her partner has with the behavior. The partner often "feels for" his/her partner and is in a great quandary about staying in the marriage or leaving the marriage. If you are a person facing this dilemma or know of someone who is, here are some pointed questions to help move more quickly through the decision making process: 1. Do you really want to save the marriage or are you just plain worn out? Does it seem that it would be much easier to just put up and tolerate the crazy kind of behavior you bump into with him? Are you emotionally fried and think of confronting him with your feelings and thoughts of ending the marriage as jumping into more emotional turmoil? 2. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you think you should hang in there for religious, moral or other “should” reasons? Most spouses who partner with those who can’t say no are very conscientious people. Is that you? Do you want to do the right thing? Are you willing to continue feeling the humiliation and facing the dangers because you believe you should stay in the marriage? Do convictions rather than practical and personal concerns dictate your decisions? 3. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you believe you should stay to protect the children? Do you think you are the only spouse who can care for the children? (You may be.) Or maybe your spouse cares deeply for the children and is a good parent. (That may be also.) Do you think that ending the marriage would make life immeasurably worse for your children? Do you fear for their welfare if you confront his behavior? 4. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you see absolutely no way out and are resigned to this marriage? You may experience a powerful pervasive feeling of being stuck. You may believe that you have tried everything and that it is in the best interest of everyone to stay where you are. Couple your weariness with your sense of being stuck and you may tolerate a great deal of disappointment and pain for the sake of the marriage. 5. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you see yourself as incapable of getting out? Your self-esteem may be at rock bottom. You may think of yourself as incapable of starting over, incapable of starting a new relationship, incapable of making the transition to a new life and incapable of making decisions on your own. It is not unusual for the spouse of someone who can’t say no to lose her sense of dignity and self-respect as he attempts to control, intimidate and dictate. 6. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you need to protect him? Do you see beyond what is there to him basic emptiness and fear? It’s there and you know it? Perhaps you fear what might happen to him if you do indeed leave? Will he be able to cope? What destructive path might he take next? So you hang in there, aware of his underlying pain and hope some day it will be addressed. 7. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you live in the fear that if you talk about leaving you will face danger? Perhaps you might face violence? You might face the emotional game playing at a new level of intensity? Does it seem wiser to hold back, not confront, not move toward change for fear of what he might say or do? Do you sometimes feel frozen with fear? 8. Do you really want to save the marriage or have you given no thought to how you might start over? This is a little different than the fear of starting over. Perhaps your life has been so wrapped around his or the care of your children that you have given little, if any, thought to you. Have you thought of your desires, your skills, your dreams, your hopes and your future apart from him? Or, apart from your children? Take some time to seriously and thoughtfully address these questions. Once you do, you may experience a new found freedom to act and move in new ways. ------------------------------------ Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: Break Free from The Affair Infidelity Excuse: I fell out of love...and just love being in love I find this dilemma rather common for younger couples, probably mid or late 30s and younger. Usually one reports, “falling out of love” and is truly disturbed by this shift. He/she (and this is not merely a female problem!) wants to “recapture” those feelings. This person has found a “significant other” who has stirred those dormant feelings and this person once again “feels in love.” They are determined not to “settle” for a less than an ideal relationship, which means, of course, feeling the love feelings. Here are some Key Points for this kind of affair. (The 6 others are outlined in my E-book.) 1. Unfortunately, our culture (movies, songs, romance novels, soap operas, romance comedies) teaches us that this is how it’s supposed to be. “Falling in love” is the norm – the implication being, that if it doesn’t happen, or if it goes away, something is wrong – with you, your spouse or the marriage. A good relationship must first unlearn a great deal. 2. The person who was driven to find “that loving feeling” (reminds me of a song…) usually experiences a high degree of guilt and conflict. He/she is often married to a “good” person and the desire to “find that loving feeling” seems selfish (which it is) and immature (which it is). Intuitively (and this person usually has a great deal of intuition and sensitivity) it is known at another level that he/she is not on the right path. 3. This person usually has a need for drama and excitement. Life easily becomes a soap opera. Emotional juice from the fall-out of emotionally intense relationships reigns rather than living life from the core of who one is. 4. There is little understanding, or perhaps healthy models, of the shifts needed as a relationship matures. For example, “falling out of love” usually happens when the attractors become the distracters. For example: His love for fun and spontaneity, which drew her initially to him, becomes irresponsibility. Her stability and calm, which drew him initially to her, become control. 5. The person “looking for love” is actually looking for the ideal, someone out there, who will project back to him/her that he/she is OK. No, more than OK, close to perfect. 6. This person needs to be adored, or think another adores him/her, because there is a lack of inner strength and solid identity. The other becomes my world, because I lack a world. Being “in love” is the panacea for my emptiness. 7. Sexual intercourse does not need to be a part of these relationships. Sexual activity may indeed END the relationship or at least move it to the point where the attractors become, again, the distracters. The idealized images may be held together by long phone calls, gifts, holding, love letters, e-mails, etc. 8. This type of affair often occurs when there is a “lull” in the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising children, starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreign word. People are especially vulnerable for this type of affair after the children are in school and/or the oldest child reaches early adolescence. (There are good reasons for this, from a family systems perspective, but I won’t get into that here.) Tip: If your spouse is struggling with this type of relationship, make sure you hold and care for your self. Your spouse does not have the capacity to do this for you (or anyone) at this point. Yes, you are ok. Her/his affair says less about you and much more about the emptiness within her/him. It is time for you to know you better. Model for him/her what it means to be a person with a core, with integrity, with boundaries, with values, with meaning, with purpose and actively figure out what your needs are, and get them met. Maybe she will ask questions. Maybe she will not. Maybe soon. Maybe later. ------------------------------------ Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: Break Free from The Affair Sexually Addicted? Ten Important Questions to Ask A New Article by Dr. Huizenga There are many things in our culture that grab us and won't let go. Sometimes sex is one of them. Perhaps that's the case for you or your spouse/partner. Sexual addiction plays a prominent role in the "I Can't Say No" kind of extramarital affair I outline in my E-book, "Break Free From the Affair." These questions are intended to help you be more aware of some behaviors that perhaps indicate that sex has a hold on you. If you answer yes to three or more questions it probably is wise to take a closer look at the place of sex in your life. For more information on sexual addiction and infidelity, visit my site. ------------------------------------ Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: Break Free from The Affair Infidelity Discovered: Ten Ways to Calm Your Powerful Feelings A New Article by Dr. Huizenga When you find out about the affair, the first few hours, days and weeks can be emotionally wrenching to say the least. Or, if someone you deeply care about begins "pulling away" you may also experience intense feelings. Read through this list and pick out a couple things you can do to help yourself during these times. 1. Walk. Run, if you are fit enough to run. Work out. Get the blood flowing. Physical exercise drains off the adrenaline and physically you feel better. You also think better of yourself because you are caring for you. ------------------------------------ Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: Break Free from The Affair Emotional Infidelity: A KEY Tactic to Save the Marriage Hearing that your cheating spouse is “in love” with someone else is devastating. I hear often, “I can handle her having sex with someone else. I think I can live with that. But, for her to give herself emotionally and “love” someone else…man, that is hard.” (Feel free to substitute the word he for she in this article.) What can you specifically do to increase the odds of saving the marriage? So often the offended spouse reacts with intense feelings and pulls out all stops to “win her back.” He applies pressure. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises. Gets in her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. Talks to her family and friends. Calls her on the phone. Asks questions… daily, sometimes hourly. He is on her like a fly on doo-doo. It doesn’t work. Why? Well, for one reason she has found all the stimulation and excitement she supposedly needs in her new found “love.” At a deeper level this is confusing enough for the cheating husband or cheating wife. Any additional input will be overwhelming and she is liable to close the door on the marriage even further. Plus, she is really looking for some stability, some solid centered core that will hold her firm when the wind of drama entices her and blows around her. If you bombard her with your neediness, you are certainly not the person who can help her in ways she really seeks. She also is liable to create a polarity and begin comparing you to him. With your neediness dripping all over you, you don’t stand a very good chance of coming out on top. Sorry! Here’s a tactic that helps solve the dilemma and gives you a greater chance of saving the marriage. It’s called “back off!” Stop pressing. Slow down the pace. Be silent – most of the time. Stop making requests. Stop asking questions. Stop trying to wiggle out some assurance. Stop being a pain! Remember, this “in love” state will fade. You need to have the confidence that it will. You need patience. The relationship will run its course. She needs the space. She needs some quiet moments to truly hear herself and face the emptiness within. There will be a voice within her that says, “This will not last. Is this what I really want? At some time I must live in the real world. Where is this taking me? Is this where I really want to go? Why am I so dependent on him? Why do I feel this empty pit in my stomach when I’m not with him? What does this say about me?” This is her opportunity to learn about TRUE love. Don’t get in her way. I know. I know. This is easier said than done. But, you must do it. It is vitally important that you learn to quiet yourself, control yourself and keep on the straight and narrow path. At this point with those I coach, I teach them a skill called "charging neutral" to help "back off." Use that skill.This will take some effort. It might take some coaching or therapy. It most likely will demand that you get to know yourself better, that you gain more confidence in you – apart from what she does with him – that you build a strong foundation under yourself that can weather any storm. This is your opportunity to grow to another level. Oh, by the way. She will notice! And….she might like it. Backing off does not mean that you don’t have anything to do with her. Quite the contrary. You want to maintain your contact with her, but it will be QUALITY contact. It will be contact that does honor to you, confronts her with the reality of her decisions and works toward resolution for the marriage. Summary: Less often means more when facing emotional infidelity. Learning a specific skill such as "backing off" enhances one's chance to save the marriage. ------------------------------------ Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: Break Free from The Affair Infidelity: Difference Between a Rage and Revenge Affair A New Article by Dr. Huizenga The fifth affair I outline in my book, "Break Free From The Affair" is called: "I Want to Get Back at Him/Her." This is the revenge affair. It occurs in a marriage in which one feels slighted in some manner and seeks revenge by engaging in infidelity. It is less a movement toward the other person and more a movement away from one’s spouse. Key Points: 1. The affair may be a direct response to the affair of the spouse. “I’ll show you! Take this! I want you to hurt as much as I hurt.” Or the affair may be revenge for some other form of cut-off or perceived emotional injury: “I’m not getting enough here, so I’ll show you!” Or, “There, I got your attention!” 2. This typically occurs in a marriage where effective personal confrontation does not happen or happens ineffectively. There is a mistrust of expressing one’s self fully to the other person. The marriage relationship usually is marked by civility, but the two, in essence, do not know each other very well. They are polite, but there is no fire. They may want more, but are not sure how to get more. 3. The fire that does exist is a smoldering tension under the surface of the marriage. The tension may be the result of the frustration that one or both experience when they believe their needs are not being met. There is a genuine desire for more – from the spouse – but it’s not happening. 4. This form of revenge affair serves as a wake-up call for the relationship. If, and I use the word if advisedly, the couple can “get it out” – drain off the tension – and begin talking about needs, yes, the relationship stands a very good chance of turning into something wonderful. One or both must say with a great deal of passion, “I REALLY want you! I no longer will settle for the boiling frustration and seeming indifference to my needs. This is what I need and expect…..” 5. There is another kind of revenge affair that holds less hope and is more destructive. A revenge affair may be the result of long-standing and unresolved anger or rage toward the opposite sex. There is a persistent pattern of the person pushing others away with rage or anger. There also is a great deal of projection, or this person blaming others for his/her situation. 6. This form of anger is more rage than frustration. The rage emerges from a desire to hurt rather than from the frustration of needs not being met. This person exhibits little concern, as well, for the other person. Whereas someone more frustrated because they want their needs met, is usually more considerate of the other person. Tip: Begin to make distinctions between rage and frustration. Determine the type of revenge affair you must face. If it is rage, learn to protect yourself and set boundaries. Begin to take exceptional care of yourself. Begin to say no! If it is an affair of frustration, begin looking at your needs. Identify and express those needs. Take a risk. Turn up the passion button. Dare to engage about needs, both yours and the others. ------------------------------------ Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: Break Free from The Affair Relationship Tips: 16 Practical Dramatic Ways to Know if He/She is REALLY Changing Every relationship hits a snag, or worse, a major crisis (such as infidelity), that demands significant change if the relationship So...there are promises to change and the two of you embark upon a new path. You watch carefully. "Can I trust this change? Is it permanent? temporary? How long will it last? Is he/she REALLY changing?" Good questions. Here are 16 ways to know if the change is going to last: 1. You notice opposite behaviors and nonverbal communication. Passivity becomes activity. Recklessness transforms into thoughtfulness. Aloofness turns into engagement. 2. You find yourself surprised. "Hmmmm, this hasn't happened before, but is really nice! I wonder where this came from? But, I will take it!" 3. He/she expresses more curiosity about you, about him/her self and others. He/she observes more closely what happens in relationships, without criticism or defensiveness. 4. You feel that somehow there has been a shifting of gears. There is a different rhythm or flow in the relationship. Much less effort. Much less tension. 5. You find yourself noticing how differently he/she talks. The words seem different. The emotional tone of the words seem different. 6. The negative times, where you felt very stuck, helpless and hopeless, are less intense, happen less often and you seem to have more effective ways to move out of those times more quickly. 7. Your gut (intuition) tells you that this is ok. You begin to trust that part of you more implicitly. A part of you is clapping and cheering inside! 8. He/she seems to have more direction and purpose. Less drifting. He/she seems to be driven more by internal desires and wishes rather than reacting to people or external circumstances. He/she takes up interesting hobbies or finds more enthusiasm for career. 9. The changes seem to be more consistent and carry over for a longer period of time. More stability. Fewer swings. You seem more consistently on the right path. 10. More concern is expressed for family, children and close friends. 11. Words such as: "I promise. I'll try. Or, I'm going to..." are NOT in his/her vocabulary. 12. Moments of effusive crying, tear letting and chest beating are gone. Apologies are past and there is a sense of working right here right now to create what we want down the line. 13. You hear no blaming of others. He/she does NOT make others responsible for his/her actions. You sense that he/she is intent upon responsibly creating his/her world. 14. There is good eye contact. 15. He/she is taking great steps toward self care both physically, emotionally and spiritually. He/she can state what he/she needs and negotiate with you to get those needs met. At the same time, your personal needs are considered. 16. You worry much less about what will happen next. ------------------------------------ Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: Break Free from The Affair Emotional Infidelity: A Love Affair or Just Friends? A New Article by Dr. Huizenga A common plea: But, we're "just friends." However the "emotional connection" is quite obvious by the amount of time spent in communication and the "vibes" that are set off. These emotional connections often arise at work or in a social context in which working intensively toward a common goal consumes energy. Here are a few observations of the "just friends" emotional affair: 1. This person often struggles knowing where to draw the line. S/he often throws him/herself into something 100%. Other aspects of his/her life may suffer or be ignored. There often is a lack of personal balance between family, work, self care. 2. He/she struggles with intimacy. (I want to be close to someone, but don't like intimacy.) The "just friends" emotional affair means neither spouse nor OP (other person) ever get "intimate." Neither relationship is fully consummated or has potential for growth. 3. Of course the "just friends" comment means either "stay away" or "I'm, underneath all this, really confused about where I fit in relationships, what I want from them, or what they mean to me." There is an "emotional connection" to the OP that defies description. A sad kind of "stuckness or lostness." The lover or "falling in love" emotional affair has a different twist. The common complaint to the partner is: "I feel badly about this, and I don't want to hurt you, but, I'm not in love with you anymore." "I love you but I'm not in love." This often indicates: 1. This person usually has a need for drama and excitement. Life easily becomes a soap opera. Emotional juice from the fall-out of emotionally intense relationships reigns rather than living life from the core of who one is. 2. The person “looking for love” is actually looking for the ideal, someone out there, who will project back to him/her that he/she is OK. No, more than OK, close to perfect. 3. This person needs to be adored, or think another adores him/her, because there is a lack of inner strength and solid identity. The other becomes my world, because I lack a world. Being “in love” is the panacea for my emptiness. 4. This type of affair often occurs when there is a “lull” in the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising children, starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreign word. There are many many subtle differences in affairs. Emotional affairs are only one kind. Once you begin to see and understand the differences, a new sense of empowerment overtakes you embark on a more confident path of resolution. ------------------------------------ Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: Break Free from The AffairRelationship Crisis: 6 Reasons to Get Physically Fit Relationship crises (break-up, affair, huge conflict, children problems) demand tremendous energy and often throw our lives off a healthy track - which further perpetuates our inability to respond in a healthy way to the crisis. Don't forget your body while you wrestle with a relationship or marital crisis. It is easy to let yourself go. It is easy to postpone - I will start tomorrow - your walking, running or workout. Your preoccupation with the other person floods your life, leaving little room for anything else. Or, you find yourself so overwrought that it seems impossible to "talk yourself" into getting started. But, exercise and nutrition are powerful tools to help yourself at this point. Here are 6 reasons why: 1. Exercise and attention to your nutrition shift your focus to you. Exclusive focus on the other person atrophies your spirit, your energy, productivity, your healthy emotions and your body. You fade. You diminish. You become less than you truly are. So much of my work with others is helping them begin to think about themselves and take action for themselves. This is a major move. And it can begin by focusing on your body. It is the best, most practical place to begin. Your body is basic. It is a huge part of you. Begin paying attention to it. 2. Focusing on the body, using it, stimulating it, making it stretch and sweat is a great way to reduce stress. I'm not an expert here, but I understand it kicks in healthy body chemicals and cleanses some of the toxins - calming your mind, heart and soul. 3. Your confidence grows as you begin to manage your body and see changes in its endurance, strength and beauty. You begin to think better thoughts about yourself. Self-care can result in a minor miracle in terms of your perception of yourself. 4. You will begin to think of yourself as more desirable and sexy. Your sense of sexiness may be at risk. It may be on the line. It may be called into question. Doubts abound. It is a complicated and powerful issue in our culture. (Watch a few commercials on TV.) Exercise and physical health cuts through the doubts. Being physically healthy is sexy. You feel more sexual and you become more desirable. 5. Physical fitness is one of the first steps to becoming highly attractive and exerting your personal power. Once you believe and act attractive, the power of the relationship or marital crisis will lessen in your life. It actually might seem rather juvenile. Yes, there is more to attractiveness than looking great. But, we begin by honing our body, working it and caring for it. This builds the foundation for other forms of attractiveness and personal power. 6. You assume control. You may feel, as a result of the relationship crisis in your life, that you have little control or influence. It seems to become a waiting game. You wait for the other person. This other person or the situation seemingly dictates your every move and thought. You feel paralyzed. When you begin to move your body, you take control. Getting on a great exercise, fitness program makes you the master of that part of your life. You are in control. That feels good. That is good. Beginning an exercise/fitness program in the midst of a relationship crisis is easier said than done. Usually we need support, encouragement or some sort of structure to get us moving. We have good intentions, but the follow through is lacking. You have no further to look than online. There are great sites on the web that help you get started, offer encouragement and resources and keep you motivated and on track. Take advantage of these resources. ------------------------------------ Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: Break Free from The AffairSigns of Infidelity: My Marriage Made Me Do It A New Article by Dr. Huizenga Infidelity has different faces...and different signs and patterns. Yes, infidelity is complex. You probably know that or perhaps feel the overwhelm and confusion. Most I work with find tremendous relief, a sense of control, confidence and power once they pinpoint the situational signs of infidelity. Understanding IS the beginning of healing. Yes, there are general signs of infidelity that indicate that your husband or wife may be cheating. After you finish reading this page you will find a link for those general signs of infidelity. But, to accelerate breaking free you need to dig into and nail down the signs and patterns of infidelity. Did you know there are 7 different kinds of affairs? Well, there may be more, but after a couple decades of clinical work and research, I've identified 7. And, if you look carefully, you will find that each form of infidelity carries different signs and markers. Know those specific signs of infidelity and you can save yourself much grief. Let's begin here. One kind of affair I write about in my e-book is called, "My Marriage Made Me Do It." Here are some signs and patterns you can expect in this kind of affair: 1. Expect that your spouse will have a very powerful attachment to the other person. The other person will consistently be on her mind. Your spouse will shift energy away from you, the children, the household and her career to her affair relationship. She will be focused, but not on you. Your spouse will attempt to push you away by avoiding you, ignoring you, closing off communication or walking away. 2. The affair will most likely be a long-term affair. It will be very difficult for your spouse to walk away from the other person. He may try on a number of occasions but will continue to gravitate back to the other person. He will hold on tenaciously. This is probably the first or only affair for your spouse. Your spouse is not interested in playing or fooling around but powerfully attaching to the other person. The other person is the savior! 3. Don’t believe that the affair was planned before hand because of a bad marriage. These affairs usually just happen. They usually happen with someone in close proximity: co-worker, neighbor, friend (frequently of friends with whom you socialize), etc. The other person is usually the aggressor, your spouse lacking the confidence to seek out the affair. The rationale that it happened because of a lousy marriage comes after the affair is in bloom. 4. The more you try to persuade, convince or pursue, the more strongly he will attach to the other person. He will perceive your efforts as weakness and will want to attach more intently to the other person whom he (at perhaps an unconscious level) deems to be the powerful and loving answer-to-all. 5. Efforts to use moral or religious arguments to call a halt to the affair will be strongly resisted. Your spouse is not guided by rightness or wrongness. These standards have not been internalized and do not carry much weight, especially when it comes to the important chunks of her life. The actions and thoughts of your spouse primarily originate from her need to attach to another person. Any behavior or concept that serves the purpose of maintaining the attachment will be valued. Others are discarded. 6. Expect you will spend a significant amount of time and emotional energy in the next 2 to 4 years (especially if there are children) attempting to resolve the relationship. By resolve, I mean, coming to a point where each of you are fairly free of the emotional entanglement that holds you together and generates the pain and fear. It will be important for you to resolve the relationship whether you continue to be married or separate and divorce. Does this fit your situation? Do you see the importance of understanding in-depth the signs of infidelity. Once you do, you will have many more options available that will help you break free. ------------------------------------ Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: Break Free from The Affair Sign of Affair: I Fell Out of Love...and just love being in love If there is one front-and-forward excuse for infidelity it is: " I fell out of love." This usually means: I no longer feel sexually attracted to you (I'm sexually attracted to someone else, for now, at least.) Or, I need to spice my life with giddy emotional highs and intrigue every so often. Infidelity has different faces...and different signs and patterns. Did you know there are 7 different kinds of affairs? Well, there may be more, but after a couple decades of clinical work and research, I've identified 7. And, if you look carefully, you will find that each form of infidelity carries different signs and markers. Know those specific signs of infidelity and you can save yourself much grief. One kind of affair I write about in my E-book is called, "I Fell out of Love...and just love being in love." Here are some signs and patterns you can expect in this kind of affair: 1. Hang on to your seat. This may be some ride, much like a thrill ride at an amusement park. There will likely be many ups and downs, spiced with dramatic flair. Watching your spouse go through his gyrations may leave you somewhat dizzy. He will give his all to this new-found "love" and at other times might find his way back to you. 2. Typically you will struggle with being ignored and feeling rather awful that you can't provide the "love" this other person seems to provide. You might find yourself questioning your capacity to "love" and your desirability. His affections will obviously be centered on that other person. 3. He may want to tell you about this other person. Not only might he want you to know about the other person he may desire to share with you some of the details of this relationship. He might want you involved. This creates an intense triangle that juices the drama. (Most classical love stories are dramas, complete with a triangle; he "falls in love" with the forbidden or unattainable princess. Often the drama ends as a tragedy - Romeo and Juliet.) 4. Expect some juvenile behavior such as love letters (e-mail), special names, special promises, secrets only for the two of them, etc. Some of these affair relationships are the result of unfinished business from adolescence. Perhaps he was responsible for family or beset by some trauma or internally or externally imposed injunctions that precluded him from dating, socializing with the opposite sex, and "falling in and out of love" a number of times, which is so important and vital for adolescent development. 5. You may hear the persistent phrase, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." He may truly "like you" and depend on your stability, goodness and understanding. The thought of losing that may keep him connected with you. His fear of losing that which is stable and enduring may conflict with his need to follow his feelings. As well, the possibility of loss may point to the internal emptiness that stirs up very uncomfortable feelings and thoughts. This is part of the roller coaster ride. 6. He may feel very badly about his "inability" to love you and his "inability" not to love the other person. He may express great remorse for the dilemma. He may profess deep sadness for "hurting" you - but, as you know, he has no control. His feelings drive him. His "concern" for you indicates his superficial understanding of relationships. Or, his "concern" for you may be a manipulative attempt to find an easier exit from the marriage. 7. Expect his feelings for the other person to fade. They will fade quickly if this is a pure "I've fallen out of love (and just love being in love)" affair. The "romance" of adolescent love affairs start quickly and end as abruptly. If, however, other issues come into play, such as, resentment and/or the inability to say no, you have a more complicated situation that takes longer to resolve. ------------------------------------ Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: Break Free from The Affair Signs of a Cheating Spouse...and How they Differ from Signs of Infidelity Cheating is different from infidelity? Yes, I believe so. Signs of a cheating spouse will be different from signs of infidelity. In talking to thousands of people embroiled with a cheating spouse or infidelity over the past two plus decades, I've noticed a difference. In our society the word cheating carries different meaning than infidelity. This is important for someone discerning the signs of a cheating spouse or the signs of infidelity. A person who "cheats" is different from someone who is involved in "infidelity." Cheating is most closely described in my e-book as someone who "Doesn't Want to Say No." This is only one of 7 kinds of affairs. The other six kinds of affairs lean more in the direction of infidelity. The true cheater is a rather rare bird, but is probably most glamorized and comes closest to our stereotype of cheating or infidelity. Infidelity, in general, is marked by confusion, pain, doubt, ambivalence and a period of craziness in a person's life. Cheating is an ongoing lifestyle. Here are some signs of a cheating spouse: (substitute the word she for he, if you like.) 1. There most likely will be more than one other person. He sees affairs as conquests, usually sexual, and not as a place to find intimacy. Actually he lacks many of the tools and the mind set to have intimate relationships. He most likely will move from one conquest to another. His gratification on a basic level remains primary. 2. He will have little internal conflict about the affair. This differs markedly from the person who can't say no. Your spouse will view the affair or affairs as entitlement. He deserves them. He deserves to be adored. He deserves to have excitement and personal gratification in his life. He has earned it. There is nothing wrong with this. Actually others, perhaps you included, ought to understand this! 3. He will operate in a world that supports his illusion and behavior. He will surround himself with those who look the other way or actually encourage his philandering behavior. You will probably not find yourself welcomed in this world. He and his colleagues and friends collude to maintain their world. 4. You might run into a problem with the other person or persons. Remember the movie, Fatal Attraction? The other person might attach herself to him with specific expectations to be cared for and perhaps married - perhaps part of his strategy in his conquest efforts. When she is "dumped" or the expectations fail to materialize she may pursue revenge. You might be involved. 5. You may not experience a great deal of conflict with him. There is no talk of divorce. Your life might be quite copasetic - unless you rock the boat. He has his playtime and you fill another specific role of quiet support. Keep the balance and life moves along fairly seamlessly. 6. There is one problem, however. The problem of aging. Depending on his social context, you might become a liability as you increasingly fail to project a young attractive vibrant image. He wants those around him to reflect back beauty and perfection. If you fail in this regard you may be cast aside. Part of this depends on the financial cost of such "trade-in." 7. His fragile, illusionary world and yours may crumble if he encounters failure. Failure is his "Achilles heel." Unfortunately, the distortion and illusion he lives under do not always coincide with reality. He pushes and bends the rules to his advantage. He may not pay close attention to the consequences of his behavior. Those consequences - legal, financial or health - may bite him at some point. He most likely will count on you to be there for him, to cry on your shoulder (perhaps literally) and help him regain his confidence. ------------------------------------ Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: Break Free from The AffairInfidelity: Why the Need to Know is so Strong A New Article by Dr. Huizenga When you discover that your partner is immersed in infidelity, you may have a powerful need to know. You want to know the details. Maybe ALL the details. When? Where? How? How Often? What was it like? etc. No. there is nothing wrong with you. In working intimately with hundreds of people like you, ravaged by an extramarital affair, the need to know is very common. Here are six reasons why you might want to know. 1. The need for validation. If you tend to be intuitive, that is, soak in the signals from others around you and try to make sense of them, you may have this powerful urge to go back and find out what really happened. Your partner says, "Yes, I was with him/her on that day." You think, "Oh yes, I remember having a feeling at that time, an awful feeling. Now I know what that was about." Or, "I asked you if you were having an affair and you denied it...or turned it back on me with your anger. I thought I was going crazy. Now I know I wasn't. 2. You question your adequacy (and who doesn't when confronted with marital infidelity) and a part of you wants to heal/change those thoughts and feelings. And so, you venture into the comparative game and ask/think: "What did they do? Was he she better? What was he/she better at? What didn't I do or give? Where do I get stuck emotionally/sexually?" Sexual interaction is a "window to the soul." Be kind to yourself when you compare. Learn. Often their sexual interaction leaves a lot to be desired. Know as well that your partner's inadequacies will shine just as brightly with the OP (other person) as with you. 3. How bad is it? You want to know what you are up against. What is the extent of the boundary violation? How deeply embedded is my partner in this web? Do I throw in the towel? Will it be possible for me to forgive? How long will this take? How long will I hang in there? This question is important for the "I can't say no" and the "I don't want to say no" types of affairs. Infidelity behaviors worsen over time with these kinds of affairs. You want to know where in this process is your partner. 4. I get turned on. Yes, knowing the details for some is sexually arousing. Frequently, upon confession of the affair for a couple, there is a discharge of sexual energy. I hear someone say, "This is weird, but sex for us is better, more frequent and more intense than it ever has been." Knowing the details of what happened with the OP may in some cases be very titillating and stir up hidden fantasies. 5. It's a connection - maybe one of few. There may be a great deal of distance between you and your spouse. Conversations may be minimal. The affair, however, is front and center and becomes a focal point. You ask questions, probe and want to know because it is perhaps the only point of connection. Something is better than nothing. And your spouse may bring up the affair because it meets a need for drama. This is especially true of someone who "fell out of love...and just loves being in love." Or, your spouse may encourage talk about the OP because in some rather unconscious way s/he carries a load of revenge and wants to "twist the knife." 6. You want to care for your self. You may have concern about STDs. You need to know the extent of the behavior and protection used, if there was sexual activity, for your own physical well-being. The need to know is very powerful for some people in the midst of an affair. Examine carefully your situation and see if any of the above circumstances fit you. ------------------------------------ Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: Break Free from The Affair Infidelity - Day of Discovery: How to "Hold" your Feelings A New Article by Dr. Huizenga Ouch! No, it's more than an ouch, isn't it? How about a huge punch in the stomach? How about ripping your heart out? How about a menagerie of crazy unending thoughts that defy sleep or anything else you propose for that matter? Infidelity stabs you over and over, at least initially. Allow me to present one way, just one way, to begin to get a "hold" your feelings. Notice I didn't say "get rid" of your awful feelings. Often, the more we insist upon them "going away" the more they seem to persist. After all, your feelings have concerns and fears that MUST be addressed. But, you want to address them on YOUR timetable and in in way that will honor you. The key word is: control. You want to control yourself, your thinking and your feelings as you move through this agonizing process. At the same time you do not want to "control" to the extent that you deny, avoid or minimize what it is that you must look at and address in your situation. I often suggest this technique. 1. Get a kitchen timer or stop watch of some kind, notebook and pencil. 2. When the feelings/thoughts are most intense, find a place where you can be alone (lock the bathroom door, if need be). Set the timer/watch for 2 minutes. 3. Write down everything that you are thinking/feeling uncensored. Let it come. Let it flow. Don't worry about what you write. You can shred/burn it immediately after writing. Just notice the thoughts that rumble through your mind. Write them down. Notice the feelings and specifically where they are located in your body. Write them down. 4. When the timer goes off, say to yourself, "OK, it's time to put you (feelings/thoughts) aside for the time being. I have other responsibilities. I will come back to you later." This process develops and calls attention to a "part of you" that can stand back and monitor (control in a healthy manner) the process. You also treat your feelings and thoughts with respect and acknowledge their legitimacy. 5. When the thoughts and feelings begin to emerge again, maybe minutes or 2, 4 hours later, follow the same process. Give it a try. This is often helpful for those who like to write, or express themselves best through the written word. And, it seems to be most helpful for those who tend to be reflective in nature. If this doesn't work for you, don't worry. It may not fit your style of how you cope with intense feelings/thoughts. Other techniques are available for you. Over time, as you address your feelings, their intensity will fade and they will express themselves less frequently. "They" do want to know that they will not be ignored and that you, in some fashion, will attend to "them." ------------------------------------ Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: Break Free from The AffairInfidelity Discovered: Why He/She Won't Tell Me the Truth? A New Article by Dr. Huizenga Upon discovery of infidelity there is often a strong need to know the details. What happened? When? Where? Why? etc. The reasons for these questions are examined in my first article on this subject: "Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is so Strong." You have the need to know, but his/her lips are sealed or walks away, ignores or bypasses your questions, puts it back on you, denies or does other numbers on you to keep you away from knowing what really happened. There are predicatable reasons why this happens. Here's some of them: 1. Your partner/spouse is involved in an "I don't want to say no" affair. Your partner probably is a person wrapped up in his own ego, personal needs, and life style. He can rationalize the behavior and actually come to the conclusion that he is entitled to get his needs met this way. After all, he is such a magnanimous person! Bottom line: your needs and concerns really don't matter! He doesn't want to talk about them and sees absolutely no reason to get "bogged down" in what is important to you. 2. Your partner/spouse is involved in an "I can't say no" affair. Your partner finds it painfully difficult to respond to your need to know out of shame and guilt. She sees, at one level, her actions becoming more and more destructive and degrading and believes, again at an unspoken level usually, that she has less and less control over her actions. Guilt and shame follow the infidelity with self-promises to break off the behavior. However, these promises are usually broken. She is ashamed for you to know this struggle. 3. Your partner/spouse is involved in a "revenge" affair. He wants you to squirm. This may not be front and center in his consciousness, but just below the surface is some resentment and anger, for whatever reason, aimed in your direction. He thinks: "Hmmmm this is payback time. Good. Now she knows what it's like to be on the receiving end. I'll continue this for a while...and secretly enjoy her torment. I won't give her the satisfaction of responding in a caring way to her needs." 4. Your partner/spouse is involved in an affair with the intent upon proving her desireability. In some cases where there is a history of sexual abuse as a child, or rape as an adult, your partner may compartmentalize the "affair" to the degree that she might not consciously remember the details or events of her infidelity. The infidelty may serve in a pre-conscious fashion as an attempt to amend for the painful sexual history. She may NOT indeed remember what you ask for. 5. Your partner/spouse is involved in affairs such as: " I fell out of love" or "My Marriage Made Me Do It" or "I Want to be Close to Someone...but can't stand intimacy." Often, the infidelity in these cases represents the need to deal with dependency issues. By that I mean, your partner may define himself in terms of how others respond to him rather than his inner values, standards, purpose, etc. This person's life is wrapped around others. And his life is still wrapped around you. You want to know. He doesn't tell you... for fear of "hurting you" or becoming embroiled in pain or conflict from which he cannot seemingly extricate. What you (or others) think, feel and how you respond are TOO important to him. As you see, the reasons for not getting the information you need for your own sense of validaton and acknowledgement are varied and fairly complex. Allow yourself to stand back and examine the themes and patterns you encounter. With the power of this knowledge you gain the freedom to use different strategies and tactics to work toward resolution. ------------------------------------ Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: Break Free from The AffairDay of Discovery: I'm a Mess! Do I Need Meds? Finding out, having your suspicions confirmed and staring at this ugly monster eye-ball to eye-ball for the first time is often gut wrenching. The impact on your feelings, your psyche, your body and how you think can throw your life into turmoil. Your body, your spirit and your mind revolts. So, how do you cope? Should you seek out medication? Here are some considerations on this topic. 1. First, there is nothing wrong seeking a little boost or a break from the agony you experience. It is often difficult to keep in mind that your agony and pain is situational and this too shall pass. Not right away. But it will. But, in the meantime I encourage you to act to take the edge off the intensity. 2. Extreme difficulty sleeping, eating, holding food down, controlling your thoughts (you can think of NOTHING else except him/her or your situation), thoughts of abject worthlessness, and thoughts of ending it all indicate you need some temporary help to see you through the next few days and weeks. 3. How bad is bad? Use a scale of 1-10, 10 being as bad as it can get. Check yourself during the day on this scale. You will find recurring thoughts and feelings or "themes" that, at some level, you are working on and are in need of healing. Identify these "themes" and measure them on the scale each day. Are the negative thoughts and feelings more frequent? Are they more intense on the scale. This will guide you in your need for external support. 4. Do you find your behaviors changing dramatically? If you tend to be an outgoing person, are you withdrawing and isolating yourself more? If you ten |