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Relationship Articles
Why Relationships are Difficult What Not To Do If Your Partner Leaves You And You Want Another Chance When It Comes Relationships: Patterns Don't Lie
3 First Date No-No's What You Call Him, He will Become Why Relationships are Difficult A large part of my practice is made up of people interested in relationship advice. Not really by design (I started out working with teenagers), it just sort of worked out that way. Most often when someone comes in they want to know what to do. They request a 5 step plan to fix their problem, and they will be on their way. I must confess, for years I tried that “5 step” type of approach. Reading book after book and experimenting on my clients. While I have personally seen marriages seemingly miraculously healed, it just wasn’t happening every time. The magical formula never came, at least not in the form I had expected. What I did discover was that relationships are more than meets the eye. As I have mentioned in previous article, if you have suffered any type of injury or trauma as a child, your brain and heart have an overriding goal for you. They will protect you at any cost. Even if it that method of protection causes you pain and loneliness. It is often primitive and deeply rooted. Here is an example. Let’s pretend that I have a client named Alan (I made him up). Alan meets a woman named Cindy. Alan really likes Cindy and proceeds to call her every 5 minutes. When he comes into my office I tell him, “Lets not call Cindy every 5 minutes. Women don’t like that.” The next week he comes back in and says, “Bob, I have improved twice as much. I only called her every 10 minutes.” While I appreciate Alan’s 100% improvement, what Alan needs is to do is improve exponentially and not call Cindy any more than once a week. You can guess Alan’s reaction; he will grasp his heart as though I stabbed him. This surely can’t be the Lord’s will to abandon something that seems so right? It seems so right to call her, yet those feelings betray him. Every time Alan gets nervous he picks up the phone and calls Cindy. It keeps his anxiety away. Some use cigarettes or alcohol for the same anxiety relief. What I want is for Alan to be anxious. He must allow himself to feel out of control so we can find out what the anxiety is trying to tell him. His feelings will give him insight, if (and this is a big if) he will allow himself to listen to those anxious feelings rather than acting them out. At times the insights occur quickly, other times it takes longer. What would cause Alan to be so anxious? There may be a variety of reasons. Most likely, he is afraid of being hurt or rejected. While he longs for a relationship, he has also set himself up for failure because he feels that a relationship should feel good...always...forever. His long history of avoiding painful feelings has taught him to be even more afraid of them. Painful feelings are bad things, to run away from. The problem with Alan’s thinking is that relationships, by their very nature, are a bit scary. Once you allow yourself to experience a feeling you like (such as love), all the uncomfortable feelings now also have a doorway out of your heart. It no longer remains suppressed, and it all comes out. Feelings and fears alike that may have been dormant for years now seem to come out at the most inconvenient times. The reason I am so relationship oriented is that many times individuals misinterpret their fear and anxiety as something wrong with them or with their partner, rather than realizing it is something to work through. It is an opportunity to be free of the very fears they are experiencing. (This in no way involves instances of abuse, or an unhealthily relationship. If it is unhealthy your friends and/or family will gladly point that out to you). If we could learn to stay with our fears rather than acting them out, our heart will learn that it does not need to protect us as it did when we were a child. In time those childhood fears will begin to subside. What now feels unnatural, can in time become effortless. If you or someone you know feels they are experiencing this type of issue, let them know that there is help. What is happening to them is not unique. There are answers to their questions and fears. Once they discover this, relationships become an opportunity for healing and growth, rather than work.
What Not To Do If Your Partner Leaves You And You Want Another Chance As a therapist, I regularly counsel with men and women who are suffering with a broken heart. They tearfully plead their sincerity. Unfortunately, their fear often takes the lead of their focus and they switch to merely trying to figure out the formula or combination to get their partners to take them back again. They would rather get their own way versus doing the right thing. Be mature. Be consistent. Follow this advice. * Don't Talk Bad About Your Partner. Saying negative things about your partner or trying to get people to side with you by telling your partner's faults or private matters is unforgivable. * Don't Display Temper Tantrums. A lot of people use aggression to get their way but this reinforces your partner's notion of why they left in the first place.
Contrary to popular belief, the priority on a first date should be more about not making a mistake rather than making a good impression. Face it, the very fact that a guy asks you for a date means you have already made a good impression. Because of this, you don’t have to impress him; rather, your main focus should be to NOT do these 3 things. 1) Don’t make suggestions, let him be in chargeHopefully, you will never be in the position of having a guy ask you for a date, and then show up at your door and ask you the question every woman dreads, “So, what would you like to do?” To be fair, the reason some guys do this is because they are worried about planning something that you don’t like. Rather than making a mistake in selecting the activity, they instead choose to avoid the risk of rejection. Most, thankfully, know they need to plan the evening. If, however, you are asked about your preference, maintain your role as receptive female by saying, “I’m not sure, what did you have in mind?” This will set the tone that HE is the man, and that it is his job to plan an evening to please you. Don’t worry about coming across as a snob, witch or worse. If he is so insecure that he needs you to plan the evening, good riddance. Better you discover this about him now than later. 2) Don’t pay for the mealRegardless of what part of the world you live in, nearly every man believes that a clear sign that a woman is not interested is her insistence in paying for her own meal. Now, many women have confided to me that they have offered (insisted) to pay for their meal because they didn’t want to give the impression that they were selfish. While their intention is noble, men don’t view it that way. Any first date is about a woman acting like a woman, not an equal. Leave the concept of fair at your work or school. He didn’t ask you out because he wanted to spend the least amount of money possible. On a first date, a man is more concerned that he can please you than he is about spending an extra $20-$50, I promise. 3) Above all, DON'T have Sex with himOne of the fastest ways to ruin a potentially great relationship is to introduce intimacy too soon. Men are very driven to prove their power to themselves. They usually measure this by what (or whom) they have conquered. Frequently, when a man conquers something, he moves on to something else, and, once the chase has ended, he becomes bored. A wise woman knows that the more a man invests in something, the more he values it. Sex is a prize he receives in return for his devotion and commitment. The more casual a woman makes sex, the more casual a man takes commitment.
He Makes Good Eye Contact Since guys are visual, it goes without saying that they stare at women whom they find attractive. This is significant because, as a general rule of thumb, men tend to avoid prolonged eye contact because of its threatening nature (think Alpha Male stuff). In addition, every man can tell you a story of some woman he was nice to, who misinterpreted his kindness as an indication of romantic interest. If you ask 100 men why they are so guarded about giving a woman the wrong impression, the answer is simple, “Because she might not leave.” How to respond : When you notice his gaze, simply smile back while maintaining eye contact for a couple of seconds and then quickly look away. This simple gesture is all the invitation he’ll need to approach you.He’ll Listen to You Need I mention that men hate being bored. Women don’t prefer it, but men detest it. Nothing is more boring to most men than being trapped in a conversation with someone who doesn’t interest them. If you were to ask how you can tell if you are the woman who is holding him hostage, relax. Most men won’t listen long enough for that to happen to you. If he’s listening to you talk about your work, friends or other interests for more than 5 minutes, he’s interested in you. How to Respond : Remember that the person doing the talking is NOT in control. The listener is in control. You want the conversation centered on him so that you can begin training him to be emotionally dependent on you.Men always find women who listen to them to be irresistible. When you are listening, be sure to make eye contact with him occasionally. Most women can easily do two things at once, so resist the urge to listen and look elsewhere. Without some eye contact, you may hear what he’s saying, but you won’t look like you care. He Frequents Your Friends Most men know that if you simply approach a woman and give her a “yes” or “no” question, you only have a 50/50 chance of her saying yes, or worse. Therefore, the clever guys are those who slowly infiltrate your inner circle of friends because they know if your friends like them, they have a better chance with you. Don’t be threatened if you see a guy strike up a conversation with one of your girlfriends. Yes, he may just be interested in her and not you, but there is a good chance you are the primary target. As a guy gets to know your friends, it becomes easier for him to approach both of you in the future. How to Respond : If you notice him talking to one of your gal pals, don’t approach them too quickly. In fact, don’t approach them at all. Act as though you didn’t notice them speaking and maintain your distance.The next time you are with that friend, stay close to her and he’ll be able to approach you, through her.
The Two Types of Men: Mr. Fabulous vs. Mr. Strong (Steady) By: Bob Grant, L.P.C. An excerpt from "The man of your dreams" Here’s a really simplistic way to evaluate men. Let’s just put men into two categories. One group of men we’ll call fabulous and the other will be those that are strong (steady). Realize with all things, this isn’t to say that there are men who are entirely fabulous or that there are men who are only strong and steady. Usually a ratio of 60-40 is a good measurement. These are going to be their predominant way of relating to you and relating to the world around them. Fabulous men are those who tend to go more up and down with their moods. When they are feeling energized and they are feeling good about themselves, they can be very exciting and they can also be very intimate and very quiet and very focused. They have an ability to use their intuition at times to almost read a woman’s mind. They may or may not be loud or they may not be the life of the party, but there is an emotional connection that a woman feels with a man like this that seems almost magical and effortless and these are the type of men that a woman is most likely to say, “We just clicked when we first met. It was as though he could read my mind.” This type of man has the ability to make a woman feel very excited, energized, alive, and passionate. A strong and steady man doesn’t have the swings in mood that the fabulous one does. It’s not that they can’t be empathetic. It’s not that they can’t be engaging and kind and gracious, but this type of man usually takes longer to get to know before you feel any of these things from him. They tend to be a little more guarded with their feelings and they tend to have relationships move at a slower pace. If you’ve ever had a relationship with a man that professed his love early in the relationship, you are almost assuredly not dealing with this type. A strong and steady man is safe and a bit more predictable than his counterpart, Mr. Fabulous. Now initially, when I mention these two types of men, the obvious answer from most women is, “I want Mr. Fabulous.” I mean, based on what I just told you––who wouldn’t want someone exciting? If that’s all there was to these two types, the choice would be obvious. But there’s a down side that each of these types carries with them. A man that has a fabulous ability is often moody. That same quality that enables him to be intuitive and in touch with a woman’s feelings means he is going to be more in touch with his own feelings, even the darker ones. He’s not going to be as good at containing his doubts as Mr. Strong-Steady. The fabulous man is going to be one who is going to be more likely to experience doubts about a relationship once it is going well, thinking that he’s gotten into a relationship and it’s gone fast and effortless and because this type of man tends to think that the relationship should stay effortless forever. Once it’s not effortless, once the first inclination of boredom or the first disagreement comes about, they begin to question the entire relationship. ... Two Types of Men: Mr. Fabulous vs. Mr. Strong (Steady) ....the first inclination of boredom or the first disagreement comes about, they begin to question the entire relationship. Some of it may be because of his childhood and past unresolved issues, but even with years of therapy, this type of man will always have a tendency, even if it’s slight, to have doubts about a relationship from time to time because he’s a little more feeling oriented than a man who is more stable. Therefore, the fabulous man is very exciting and the downside is that his doubts and impatience will scare you from time to time. A strong and steady man is more predictable and, therefore, safer. This type of man is not given to having a lot of doubts once he has decided he cares for a woman. He will not have the mood swings because he does not get as high as often. He does not rely on the intensity of feelings that a fabulous man does. He feels deeply, but it takes him longer to achieve this emotional bond with a woman. There is less concern of him being unfaithful, of having doubts once he is in a committed relationship. The downside of this type of man is that, at times, he will be a little boring. In reality, he really isn’t boring, but whenever anything is safe, it feels a little dull. A safe job, a safe stock portfolio and safe friends all aren’t as exciting because there isn’t as much to lose. The strong and steady man, because of his predictability, won’t provide as many emotional swings that some women crave. When I go over this with a client, inevitably what they say is, “I like a mixture of both.” Remember, every man is a mixture of both, but they will have one primary style of relating to the world. If you insist on having a perfect mixture of both (50-50), then what you really want in a husband is a father figure. My daughter at the time of this writing is three years old. As her father, I am supposed to be fabulous and strong. What enables me to do this with her is that I am completely in charge of her life. I do not depend on my daughter for my emotional well being. A man who is both doesn’t need a woman in his life unless he’s looking for a woman to dominate. He doesn’t need anyone to make him be complete. He’s complete in and of himself, or in other words, he’s narcissistic. So the simple version about determining what type of man you want is, would you rather have a man that is going to scare you at times (with his self doubts or temper) or would you rather have a man who will bore you at times (with his steadiness and strength)? Not all the time, not even most of the time, but these uncomfortable traits will appear because every gift comes with a shadow. Remember You can have either type of man you want, but the type of man you pick determines how you have to interact with him to maintain a relationship.
By: Bob Grant, L.P.C. “The Relationship Doctor” 1. Why should I remind you that “I love you?” I already told you once. 2. I’ll do anything for sex; even commit to you for life. 3. I hate arguing with you. I’d much rather find a compromise. 4. I love long hair. Sorry, but I do. 5. When you speak softly, I can’t help but listen. 6. I need to be told “no” sometimes. Not a lot, but every now and again reminds me that you are expensive. 7. Please don’t ask me how you look unless you’re willing to trust my answer. 8. My eyes notice other women a lot more when you are upset with me. 9. When you’re happy with me I can’t help but want to please you. 10. If I don’t feel I can make you happy, it makes me feel less than a man. 11. I expect you to be ready when I pick you up. 12. Cigarettes make any woman look cheap and easy. 13. I'm scared if I let a woman inside my heart, she'll take advantage of me. 14. If you can’t stand up to me when I’m a brat, you’re too weak for me to open up to when I’m upset. 15. Sitting quietly next to me after you’ve made me a meal is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free ticket. You’ll be surprised how quickly I can forgive. 16. You did something hurtful. If I never bring it up, I’m considering leaving you. 17. I don’t read minds. Remember, I’m not a girl. 18. You may know fashion, but I wish you’d dress to please me, not other women. 19. If I’m losing my hair, it’s not funny. Would you like me to joke about your weight? 20. When I talk to you about golf and you act bored, it would be nice for you to remember all the times I listened to you talk about what is important to you. 21. The woman I love is easy to please. She appreciates the effort I put into making her happy, even if I get the details wrong. 22. You look hot in a dress. 23. I hate being told what to do when I don’t ask for help. It makes me feel you’re my mother. 24. If you sleep over, I might eventually marry you, but I’m less motivated. 25. During sex my ears are as sensitive to your words as your skin is to my touch. 26. I need some type of signal or cue to walk across the room and approach you. What if you’re married!? 27. It makes me feel like you trust me when you ask for my advice. 28. It feels competitive when you insist on being in charge. 29. Being respected is more important to me that being loved. 30. I want every guy to envy me when we arrive as a couple. Please don’t let yourself go. 31. When I’m upset I am very tone sensitive. How you say it is more important that what you say.. 32. I hate it when you minimize/ignore my compliments. It makes me what to stop giving them. 33. I’m more insecure than you think. Why do you think I need your respect so much? 34. I don’t always know how I feel. That’s why I don’t tell you. 35. I don’t need you to do things for me. What I crave is being able to please you. 36. If I do one thing and say something contradictory – Go with my actions, that will always tell you what’s in my heart. 37. I find myself wanting to please you when you simply smile at me without asking for something. (Like a favor). 38. I really don’t want to hear about any of your ex-boyfriends, regardless of the point. 39. If I don’t share what I’m thinking it’s because I don’t think you will listen without interrupting. 40. I don’t like to argue and I don’t like to guess what’s wrong. Just tell me so I can fix it. 41. I love it when you put your hair in a pony tail. Yes, it’s a Freudian thing. 42. Don’t ask me, “Are you going to wear that?” when I’m already dressed. 43. A gentleman should always be respected by his lady in public, even if she is disagreeing with him. 44. If you don’t believe you’re pretty, you won’t believe me when I tell you, no matter how many times I say it. 45. It isn’t how much you weigh; it’s that your body is proportionate which is so attractive. 46. Sometimes I have weird and strange thoughts. I don’t take them seriously and I don’t want to share them with you (or anyone). 47. Sometimes you really don’t want to know what I’m thinking. See above. 48. If you cheat on me, it is nearly impossible for me to get over it. 49. I don’t remember everything about our relationship and that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. 50. I need some time to myself to calm down when I’m upset so that I don’t say something I will regret.
Why Susan Dates Bad Boys (Jerks) For the past 5 years Susan has been on a dating rollercoaster. Each guy she dates has two identical qualities; they are always exciting and eventually treated her like dirt! Now she isn’t stupid and doesn’t enjoy being mistreated. It’s just that she, like many women loathed being bored by a man. It seemed to Susan that the only way to tell if a guy would make her happy is if she felt a “connection” with him (and the sooner the better) and with this being her measure of how to pick a man, she found herself dating men who excited her AND made her feel out of control. In fact, in the beginning, every one of these men seemed so nice and sincere, certain of their love for her. At first, they couldn’t get enough of her. Flowers were followed my phone calls which frequently culminated with wild passionate sex. With each man she felt she had found someone special, after all they told her that they felt the same way toward her, but this bliss never lasted. With each boyfriend the same familiar pattern began to emerge. Only the details were different. One boyfriend just stopped calling her; the other began picking fights with her whenever they went on a date. Still another guy suddenly developed the need to point out how she needed to “get in shape.” When her friends heard of this bad behavior they would rush to her defense and tell her to “just dump the guy.” They never understood why she would want to be with someone so rude, disrespectful and cold. Yet whenever she resolved to end a relationship, her doubts would begin to speak to her. Perhaps, she wondered, something she said or did had caused her boyfriend to become suddenly disenchanted with her. In fact, she often spent hours thinking and thinking about what she had done to bring on this bad behavior. Each man had a different method of being mean to her. Steve suddenly became emotionally distant when she wasn’t ready to go out on a date. Jim became rude and argumentative after she “dared” to disagree with his opinion that homeless individuals needed to be hauled off to jail. Alex was the best (or worst). He started complaining that Susan was gaining weight after a particular uninspiring evening in the bedroom. Each man got worse rather than better. They each, in their own way, began to treat Susan with contempt in public. Some would only call her only when they were aroused, while others just stopped calling her altogether. So Susan found her way into my office to ask me if there was something wrong with her. It couldn’t be simply a coincidence that nearly every man she dated turned out to be a Jerk could it? After all, didn’t she feel such an emotional connection with each of them? If that wasn’t the way to identify a good guy from a Jerk, then what was? Susan, I’m glad you asked. Are you sure you are ready to hear the answer because it isn’t going to be what you thought? Yes, I’m ready. As you wish. The answer is that time is always reveals the difference between a real man and a loser. Don’t confuse intense feelings with genuine ones. Any man can be charming, wonderful and intoxicating in the moment because at that particular moment, they really do feel that way toward you. Those that are insecure won’t be able to maintain their passion because it is based solely on getting what they want. Once they get the least bit bored or irritated, their nasty disposition will surface. Susan, stop pretending that you are intuitive enough to discern a man’s heart based on the words he uses because you’re not. Men that are jerks always sound convincing when they are motivated. Men don’t take words as seriously as women do, at least not in regards to women, the exception being the M word. Susan, start acting like you have value instead of behaving like you need to be rescued. It’s o.k. if a relationship grows slowly. In fact with men it is actually preferred and you may have to be the one to keep it slow in the beginning. Men that are jerks are self centered and only interested in a woman who is exciting. As long as you make them feel excited, they will be enchanted by you. The moment you dare to reveal any doubts, feelings or less than perfect characteristics, they will blame you for ruining a “perfect relationship.” In other words, jerks can’t stand a real complete woman. Their too interested in having someone who is always happy, upbeat and rarely has a down day. What they want is a fantasy, a perpetual girlfriend who knows better than to expect too much from them. They aren’t interested in growing, only in having fun. Susan, you deserve better and if you’ll let me (or someone) show you how you can have the man of your dreams without having to keep getting hurt by bad boys who disguise themselves as wonderful men.
3 Things Men Can't Resist in a Woman 1) A Woman Who Smiles (More powerful than you might realize) A woman who smiles makes it easier for a man to approach her by conveying an attitude of confidence and playfulness. Since many women are fearful of giving men the “wrong impression” they frequently guard their smiles. While that approach is safer, it inadvertently sends the message of being someone who is overly cautious. In addition, smiling is a sign of acceptance. Men often need some signal that it is safe to approach a woman before there’re willing to a risk introduction themselves (unless they are intoxicated). 2) A Woman who Listens (and doesn’t dominate the conversation) Men rarely get listened to, at least not beyond a few minutes. Most of the time that is all men really need, but since most men hate to be rejected, it is easier for them to keep conversations superficial. They expect most women to want to talk rather than be willing to listen. If they happen to meet a woman who listens with her eyes (looks at him while he’s talking) as well as her ears, they are intrigued. Then, if she continues to listen and not take over the conversation, well, that’s the kind of woman that men can’t resist, and eventually marry. 3) A Woman who dresses Feminine (Men are REALLY visual) Everyone knows that men are visual but women often forget just how helpless guys are to what they see. The right visual stimulation can hypnotize a man. Women hear this and often become fearful because the mistakenly believe that men only notice perfect women. Forget Perfect! If you really want to be noticed by men think colors, dresses and curves. Men basically like any woman who has thatsoft and cuddly quality. It isn’t that men don’t find women attractive in pants or when they are dressed comfortably, it’s that they don’t notice them as easily. It doesn’t catch their eye like earrings or long hair does. Conversely, a powerfully dressed woman (think lots of red) makes most men think of sex, or not notice her at all. She may have a soft side, but if men can’t see it, they often don’t know it exist. The more feminine (softer) a woman dresses; the more men she will attract.
Patterns Don't Lie Many men and women know the definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result) and in spite of this knowledge, they continue to date or marry the same type of person while expecting a different result. Most therapists who have been practicing for a few years are familiar with this pattern. Usually those individuals who practice relationship insanity only enter therapy because they are in intense pain and they are desperate. Often a woman will enter my office (since most of my clients are women) for relief from her heartache rather than to gain insight into her problems. Most of these women (men too) want their circumstances to be different, but they often don't want to change their behavior that is contributing to their pain. During a session it is very common to have such a client nod in agreement when I point out WHY they are having trouble and then leave the session and repeat the same behavior. If it wasn’t so tragic, it would be funny. What a good therapist is supposed to do is learn from their client’s history in relationships and help them identify their particular pattern. Focusing only on an isolated incident isn't very effective because most people believe it is a one time occurrence caused by circumstances beyond their control. They truly believe that they are an innocent victim who is powerless over their current circumstance (usually regarding a romantic relationship). Their hope is that I will be able to help them identify the “mistake” they made with a particular man and tell them exactly what to do to fix the relationship. What many of these women struggle with is that their current circumstances are a reflection of a pattern in their life and until they identify that pattern, they are doomed to keep repeating the same mistakes with men. This concept became vividly clear to me years ago when I worked as a Group Therapy leader in an inpatient hospital setting. In my group there were all types of individuals who found themselves overpowered by their day to day life and in need of healing. I began to notice that within my group there were many women who were involved with men who were alcoholics. Their stories were different and yet they all had an eerie pattern of familiarity. They found the men "exciting" and felt an instant "chemistry" and couldn't understand how the same man could turn out to be so mean, insensitive and hurtful. As their time in my group progressed some of these women found the strength (although temporarily) to begin setting limits with or even leaving such abusive men and when they did the group cheered their courage. Fast forward 2 months. In nearly ever case the same women who had left their abusive relationship would begin dating someone new. He was different they assured the group and in many ways the new man in their life was different until they had dated him for a few weeks or months and seemingly out of nowhere, the same abusive traits of the former boyfriend or husband began to manifest in their new boyfriend. I saw this pattern repeated so many times that I stopped counting. Usually by the third relationship I and the group had enough "evidence" to show the woman in question their relationship pattern with men. It wasn’t that they intentionally sought out these type of men, but a subconscious belief was attracting them to these type of men based on their low self esteem. Those that were willing to pay more attention to patterns rather than intense feelings were able to date different type of men and ended up with a wonderful marriage. Those who insisted that all they needed to do was find the right man were destined to continue their downward spiral indefinitely regardless of the amount of relationship advice or intense therapy they undertook. Do you know your relationship pattern? Do you know what the men you have dated have in common? It won’t be obvious, but if you take some time you will be able to see a pattern and if you don’t like this pattern, you can change it. When a person is willing to learn from their accept responsibility for their patterns, they then have the ability to change those patterns and get the results that they want because it's will always be true -- Patterns don't lie.
At least once a month one of my clients comes into my office upset about how her date went the previous weekend. Either she feels she did something wrong or worries that the guy didn't seem to be too interested in her. For the next 45 minutes we dissect the evening in question and I offer suggestions on how to salvage a second date or I congratulate her on discovering that he wasn't worth another chance. Many times though the problem lies with my client not understanding the purpose of a first date. Too often women (and men) concentrate on such things has compatibility, attraction and past relationship history. All of these things are important but not for a first encounter. They are too in-depth for a casual get-to-know-you conversation. The only thing a woman really needs to be concerned with is conveying her femininity. This is the easiest and most reliable way toward making a good first impression. The three keys to a great first date are; wear a dress,smile often and allow him to speak first at the start of the date. Those three things will make him feel masculine and he will naturally find you more attractive because the first date is about being a girl, not revealing everything about yourself. If those suggestions seem silly or sexist then I am afraid you don't understand men. Men like women in dresses because it radiates softness making a man want to hold and cuddle her. Smiling at him always makes him feel more self assured. Letting him speak first conveys respect which is every man's greatest desire, even more than being loved. Show him that you have the ability to be the woman he has fantasized about and he will beg you for another date. Once you have gone out 3 or more times then you are free to let him get to know you has an individual. Since you have shown him that you are every bit a woman, he will be much more motivated to get to know you as a person.
Actually, it’s pretty simple but most women have the hardest time with understanding men. Deep inside the heart of every man is a secret wish to be trusted. How many times have men said to their wives, “If you would just trust me.” Many men wonder why it seems so difficult for their wives to do something so seemingly simple. The answer stems from the physiological differences between the sexes. It begins at birth when little boys are given a distinct physical advantage over little girls by having higher levels of testosterone. With testosterone comes the physical strength to both defend themselves from danger and/or run away from a threat. Most little girls don’t have that ability. They don’t have the strength to defend themselves in a physically fight when they feel threatened. If a boy trusts someone who in turn hurts him, he can always defend himself physically (or try to). Little girls don’t have that physical option of power. Since a person can only trust from a position of strength, those same little girls will grow up into women who naturally have a more difficult time “trusting” when they feel vulnerable. So men, when you ask the woman of your choice to simply “trust you,” it’s not that she can’t, she’s just more vulnerable than you. If you want her to trust you, she needs something that will help develop that trust. Perhaps even a tool or gesture that she can “count on” until that trust with you is established. Thankfully this tool already exists and is known by every woman. What cultivates trust in a woman is a man who consistently keeps his word. Making a promise is meaningless if there is no follow through. A woman needs to SEE her man fulfill his promises because seeing is always more powerful than hearing. Allow me to illustrate. Imagine someone told you that I was the meanest person they had ever met. For months all you heard was how terrible I treated my family and friends. Then one day you met me and during the course of our meeting you begin to notice that I didn’t seem to be as horrible as you were led to believe. I actually appeared to be rather pleasant. Would you change your entire opinion about me from one visit? Probably not! However, if you saw me respond consistently with kindness and humility over a period of weeks, your opinion of me would begin to change. A paradox has just been established. The kindness you have seen in me for the last few weeks does not match what you have heard about me. All the rumors of how mean I am begin to fade into darkness because of my consistent actions. Over time what you see will replace most if not all of your concerns about my character. Men, when the woman you love sees your words lining up with your actions, trust will naturally follow. When you don’t keep your word it causes your wife/girlfriend to become fearful. From her perspective, she has entrusted you with her Heart and WANTS to trust you. She simply needs your help in giving you what you want.
What You Call Him, He will Become (an excerpt from "
Years ago, there was a therapist I worked with named Susan. Susan told me she went to a seminar that a friend of ours named Steve was giving. Since she thought she may want to do similar seminars in the future about marriage, she wanted to see how Steve made his presentation. So, Susan took her husband Dave and during the seminar, Steve made this statement: "What you call your spouse, they will become". Now, Susan had been married for 20 years, and when she heard this statement she laughed to herself as she leaned over to Dave and said, "Ha, skinny!" Dave leaned toward her, laughing, and said, "Haha, sexy!" After the seminar was over, she said to me, "Bob, I made it a point to try that, just to see what would happen. For 10 years, Dave weighed 215 pounds, and hadn't been able to get rid of more than 5 pounds at a time, and then he got discouraged and gave up." So, Susan began to call Dave "skinny" and "slim" as the opportunities presented themselves. After 2 months, she asked him how his weight was coming, and he reported that he had lost over 18 pounds. She was amazed. At the end of the story, I paused and asked her, "Susan, does Dave call you sexy?" She gave me a pained smile and said, "No." Immediately I thought to myself, "that's too bad because Dave probably has no idea what he's missed out on." It wasn't that Susan needed a makeover or that there was anything wrong with her at all. Dave had missed out on an opportunity to influence his lovely wife. Notice what happened with Susan? She had to make it a priority to take the step. She didn't wait until she felt like it, or until she saw that Dave was doing it correctly. Instead, she was proactive. She made a decision, and after that decision was made, she proactively and consistently pursued it until she got the results she wanted. What Susan stumbled onto is what I know about men-they want to be influenced by a woman! Some men are not good at receiving this, or at giving up power, but what most long to be married to a woman who shapes and molds them. This type of influence does not feel threatening to a man. Susan was the same case. She would have loved for Dave to influence her, to shape her, to reinforce what he thought about her. Here was a seminar that gave Dave the perfect opportunity, yet he missed the opportunity. t starts out in a logical manner with two competent speaking adults simply talking about a problem or disagreement. Then at some point in the discussion that woman gets her feelings hurt and responds in an emotional manner. All of a sudden the entire dynamic of the conversation has changed and the man feels he has been betrayed. While the discussion was logical and factual, it had the similar feel of a business meeting where everyone has the sole goal of finding the answer to the problem. No one would dare interject their feelings into such a discussion for fear they would be viewed has weak and childish. In the business world, accomplishing the task is the primary goal, not making everyone feel good. This is how a man views a discussion that is logical and factual. He believes that if her idea is so good then she should be able to prove it. "She wants to prove her point so I'll prove mine. May the best man win," is how he thinks and has no idea that she only wants to be heard/understood. When women interject their feelings into a discussion that has become competitive, it makes men feel as though they are being blamed for being logical which causes them to react in anger. Men say to themselves, "She ask me to prove my point and when I do she gets her feelings hurt!" He has been blind sided by the one thing that makes him feel powerless, a woman in pain. The man feels tricked by acting strong only to pull the feelings card out when she was starting to loose the argument so now he feels entitled to punish her. That really is how most men think in that scenario. If you are a woman, a practical rule when discussing a topic is that if you want to debate, prove or compete with your boyfriend/husband then stay in that role throughout the discussion. If you want to be understood or nurtured, then relate to him by sharing how you feel about the subject. Don't switch to becoming a soft, feeling and vulnerable woman after you have presented yourself logically. All that will do is encourage him not to discuss things with you in the future. He'll be afraid of you dropping the feelings bomb. Most of the time I would suggest that you start off softly by speaking to him about how you feel concerning the issue so he can recognize your feelings which will signal to him that you are not trying to be competitive. On the occasions you do need to prove your point, hold your ground regardless of how you feel. Remember it doesn't matter as much which way you relate to him, the most important thing you can do is not to combine the two. I sell an ebook. In fact I sell 2 of them. They're for women and they help educate them on what does and doesn't work in regards to relationships with men. With each ebook I offer a Free 15-minute coaching session to go along with the book. Now I didn't have any idea what these women would want to speak with me and assumed each session would be different. To my surprise, and my assistants, I can tell you what nearly 90% of these sessions consist of. It goes like this.... "We had 3 dates (pick a number) and it seemed to be going so well.....I slept with him.....and now he doesn't call me anymore. I don't know what I did wrong?" I'm not kidding when I say nearly every call is some version of the above. The problem isn't that the woman in question made a mistake in terms of being mean, stupid or selfish. The problem is that they often don't realize the how most men feel about sex. Men are result oriented when it comes to Sex. They will do almost anything for it. Women are result oriented when it comes to obtaining a commitment from a man. Now, not every woman or every man, but most. Sex is the primary means that enables him to FEEL deeply. Words just don't do it for him, I'm sorry. Now, if this is such a strong drive in a man wouldn't he be thankful and loyal to a woman who gave her body to him? Actually it depends and what he had to do to have access to her body. If all it took was 3 dates, a couple of meals and some sweet talk, then no he won't be loyal at all because it came rather easy. In many regards, it's like a drug addict doing whatever they can for the high. When a woman gives into a man, or even initiates sex before a man is committed to her she is playing with fire. Whether you agree or not, I've heard it too many times in my office. When a Woman gives her body to a man exactly what more is there that she can give? Isn't it only fair to expect a man to give the same amount in return? For a man this involves committing for life? I don't think so, because when a woman (or man) has sex with someone, that person is going to be in their head for the rest of their life. There is a chemical bond, whether they want it or not. I wrote about this in my blog (under Sex) with a link to a site which describes this chemical bond. When a Woman makes a man work for her heart and offers her body as the prize, a real man will be willing to commit to her for life. He has invested in her because she has acted like sex is something special that deserves his complete loyalty. Otherwise, for most men, it's just something fun to do, no more and no less.
If there was one part of my job that I could do without, it is watching couples spiral down the path to divorce. While most couples I see don’t end up getting a divorce, there is that small percentage who are so filled with resentment that either one, or in some instances both of the them has already decided the marriage is over. While I firmly believe that if two people want to stay together, it really is possible to build something wonderful, there are some situations where one party has decided they have suffered too much pain. It has become a matter of protecting themselves. I have read many books which state things like, “How to change your partner even when they don’t want to be changed.” I must admit, I have suggested many of these very techniques to wives and husbands whose spouse would never come to counseling. But to tell you the truth, there are some circumstances (i.e., chronic unfaithfulness, physical abuse, etc.). that make it nearly impossible for one spouse to carry the weight of two. For those of you who have been divorced or if you know of someone who has, let me say that from my experience, what you or they felt was often more traumatic than what most people will ever experience in their lifetime. The reason - divorce is more like a death than anything else. In many cases if affects individuals even worse than a death, because a choice is involved. If your spouse dies, there is a certain degree of fate. Something terrible happened beyond your control. With divorce, a choice had to be made. Perhaps I shouldn't have ended it…..If only I had given him (her) another chance….Why did I wait so long? Is there something wrong with me?”…. The questions could go on forever. What can be done to help heal the pain of a divorce? The first and most critical step is to allow yourself time to heal. The first few months (perhaps longer) following a divorce is not the time to try and figure out what went wrong. Trying to be your own counselor only prolongs the feeling of hopelessness. Let others help you. There are people (i.e., family, friends, professionals, etc.), who would love to offer support, but they need to have their offer accepted. If you isolate yourself, it becomes almost impossible for others to offer support. The first 6 months to a year after a divorce are hard enough, don’t make it worse. DON’T ISOLATE. When the time for reflection does come, ask yourself this question: Why did I attract that type of person into my life? One of the main reasons that we select or are drawn to a specific type of individual is that subconsciously we are attracted to someone who will expose those areas in our life that we need to work on. They will “push our buttons,” so to speak. Given enough time, those individuals that we date and/or marry will expose unresolved issues, character flaws etc… that we need to address. I guarantee it. Here is an example. Susan just got divorced. Her husband had a terrible temper (not physical violence, but major yelling and screaming). When he became angry it made her feel out of control. Susan feels that the majority of her problems were related to her former husband’s temper., and she swore that she will never again marry a man with a temper. Within 2 years Susan meets and marries Jeff. Jeff never gets angry. Problem solved - right? No. There is now a different problem. Jeff does get angry; however, his response to anger is to become quiet (real quiet). The problem for Susan is that when Jeff is quiet this also makes her feel out of control. Not in the exact same way that her former marriage did, but eerily similar. Has she made a bad choice with Jeff? I don’t think so, but she has to deal with those feelings of being out of control. The situation forces her to deal with those feelings. If she simply blames Jeff for her unhappiness, she is destined to divorce again. The final stage of recovery is so simple yet many never realize it’s importance. FORGIVE YOURSELF, AND FORGIVE YOUR EX-SPOUSE. Forgive yourself for all the things you could have done, and forgive your spouse for everything you wish he/she had done. No one marries with the intention of getting a divorce; however wise or poor the choice to divorce was - it’s done. Going through a divorce is rough enough. If it haunts you for the rest of their life and prevents you from ever taking a risk again, then not only will you miss out, but someone else will too.
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