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Hopeful Solutions for a Sexless Marriage Relationship ArticlesIs the fact that I’m living in a sexless marriage the reason I’m so depressed and angry? Is the fact that I’m living in a sexless marriage the reason I’m so depressed and angry? by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT Living in a sexless marriage can be a real drag. Exactly how big a drag will depend on how important great sex is to you and your partner. If you really want great sex in a great marriage… and you aren’t getting enough… then you might well find yourself depressed and angry as a result. When you don’t get what you want, you get frustrated. When we get frustrated we tend to get angry, and depressed. Anger is “active frustration,” while depression is “passive frustration.” If you want intimate and erotic sex with your partner, and your partner is not available, then you are going to be frustrated. If you want intimate and erotic sex with your partner, but you can get your own self to the point where you can actively engage your partner in sex, then you will be frustrated. In both cases you aren’t getting what you want; in the first case you are frustrated because your partner won’t give you good sex, and in the second case you can’t get yourself to give your partner good sex. Now what do you do with your frustration? Typically, we get angry when frustration is present. You might be getting angry at your partner out of sheer frustration. “What is the matter with you that you don’t want sex with me?” “What more do I have to do to turn you on? Come on!” The problem is, of course, that if you keep trying to get your partner to give you sex, you will surely get stuck in what I call a “control drama”. If that happens, you will both end up frustrated. Control dramas kill relationships. I write about them in my ebook,Hopeful Solutions for a Sexless Marriage. We depress ourselves when the pure pain we experience at being frustrated is too much to bear. Rather than feeling the pain of frustration, rejection, abandonment, worthlessness, failure, being trapped, and bored in the relationship you will chose to depress yourself instead. It is that straightforward. Now there is such a thing as clinical depression, and that has to be addressed with medication in most cases. The problem is most antidepressants, as a side effect, lower sexual desire. Then you get stuck in an amplifying feedback loop. Depression leads to medication, which leads to less sexual desire, which leads to depression… and around you go. Great Marriage? You can have a great marriage if you stay away from certain behaviors that are known to destroy marriages, especially during times of frustration. And, of course, you can have a great marriage if you practice those behaviors which are known to bring about relationship bliss. Great Sex? You can have great sex if you address the five challenge areas that might be confounding you. Your biology has to be working well enough. So does your relationship. Any cultural hang ups have to be addressed. Any personal issues have to be addressed, too. And, if you are stuck spiritually or energetically, that has to be addressed as well. Let you frustration turn to anger and depression and you won’t be fixing the problem; in fact you will be heaping coals on the fire. Get some help atHopeful Solutions for a Sexless Marriage. Why do we have Sexless Marriages? by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT There is no one reason why we have so many “Sexless Marriages” in our world today; in truth, there are five broad “Challenge Areas” (as I refer to them) that are the culprits. Any one, or a combination of all five, can be the problem. You might be in a sexless relationship because of a biological problem. Something might be wrong with your body, or your partner’s. You might have a relationship problem that is causing you to stay distant. One or the other of you might have chosen to stay away from sex. Next, you might have some cultural issues that are messing with your freedom to enjoy sex. Or, you very well might have some personal issues that are creating havoc in your own mind and soul, or your partner might have some struggles that are creating an internal struggle with sex. Finally, there might be a spiritual or energetic struggle going on inside that just leaves you unexcited by the idea of sex. I have written a great deal about each of the five above Challenge Areas, and you can find almost all of what I have written in my ebook,Hopeful Solutions for a Sexless Marriage. For now, I want to give you some of the facts about what is going on, at least in the Western World, when it comes to sex in marriages. There are a couple of things you should be clear on before we get into statistics. Statistics are maps of reality, but never the reality themselves. As such, they are comprised of generalizations, distortions, and deletions. Read them with a discerning eye. Yet, read them like you would read a face in the mirror. In fact, recall that the face in the mirror might be your own. Look for the similarities between the numbers and your life. Statistics always tell a story. In this case, the story might reflect your own. At the very least, it will reflect the stories shared by millions and millions of your neighbors. Let me begin with a quote from Newsweek Magazine. This was the article that birthed my efforts to focus so much of my attention on Sexless Marriages. The statistical evidence would seem to show everything is fine. Married couples say they have sex 68.5 times a year, or slightly more than once a week, according to a 2002 study by the highly respected National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago, and the NORC numbers haven't changed much over the past 10 years. At least according to what people tell researchers, DINS are most likely an urban myth: working women appear to have sex just as often as their stay-at-home counterparts. And for what it's worth, married people have 6.9 more sexual encounters a year than people who have never been married. After all, you can't underestimate the value of having an (occasionally) willing partner conveniently located in bed next to you. (Newsweek Magazine 6/30/03) “DINS” are “Dual Income-No Sex” couples. I don’t know who popularized that acronym, but it wasn’t me. It appears that DINS get about as much sex as those that decide to have one stay at home partner. Get that number! 68.5 times a year! It seems that people have been reporting that they have sex 1 to 2 times a week, and they have been reporting that for many, many years. Remember, these are generalizations. Married people, working out of the home or not, are “getting some” every week, or so it seems. Then I read some new statistics that indicated that only 50.3% of the households in America are occupied by married people. Or, conversely, 49.7% of the households in America are occupied by un-wed people, and they are having sex almost as often as the other half who are married. It makes me wonder if there is a really big advantage to being married if you just look at the numbers. Of course, the numbers don’t tell us anything about the quality of the relationships. Getting screwed is different than making love. Here are some more statistics from the 1992 National Health and Social Life Survey (NHSLS). This was a huge study. (NHSLS) included data from 1,749 women and 1,410 men. 43% of women reported having a sexual problem in the prior year. 1 out of 5 women reported not enjoying sex. 19% of the women reported difficulty lubricating. 15% reported pain during sex. 1/3 of all women weren’t interested in sex. Only 16% of men reported low sexual desire. Half of all people, both males and females, reported having difficulty with sexual desire. 25% of men struggle with rapid orgasm. 17% of men and 11% of women report being anxious about their sexual performance. 16% of the men reported low sexual desire in the prior year. 1/3 of the women reported low sexual desire in the prior year. 3% of the men reported sexual pain in the last year. 14% of women reported sexual pain in the last year. 10% of women have never experienced an orgasm. 25% of women reported orgasm problems in the last year. 8% of men have difficulty reaching orgasm. 3% of the men reported pain during sex. The 2002 report from the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago, (referenced above) conducted some research and found that married couples report having sex 68.5 times a year. This is the research sighted in the Newsweek article above. Working women appear to have sex just as often as their stay-at-home counterparts. Married people have 6.9 more sexual encounters a year than people who have never been married. In 2002, a gigantic 200,000,000 prescriptions for antidepressants were filled. Women now make up 47% of the workforce, 57% of bachelor’s degrees, and 30% now earn more than their husbands. Denise Donnelly, a Georgia State University sociologist, reported in a 1993 issue of the Journal of Sex Research, that . . 16% of married Americans have not had sex in the last month. She analyzed 6,029 married individuals from a study called the National Survey of Families and Households conducted by the University of Wisconsin, and found that the odds of infrequent sex rose the less time couples spent together, the fewer kids they had, the older they were, and the less they argued about sex. John DeLamater, in the Journal of Sex Research, February 2002, reports the following: Among single persons, 26% of the men and 22% of the women report having sexual intercourse two or more times per week; 22% of the men and 30% of the women report not having sex in the proceeding year. In 1999, 41% of black men and 38% of black women were never married compared with 20% of white men and 16% of white women. Hispanics, 33% of men and 25% of women are never married. In 1999, 7% of all women were cohabitating. Of those cohabitating, 30% last less than 1 year, and only 10% last 5 years. In 1999, 73% of men and 80% of women had been married at least once. By age 45, 95% of all women have married at least once. There is a decline in the frequency of intercourse with age. 70% of married men and 74% of married women report oral-genital sex. 27% of the men report performing anal sex, while 21% of women do. 17% of married men, and 5% of married women masturbate at least once a week DeLamater continues to summarize with the following. 3 factors seem to contribute to a person’s awareness of their partner’s likes and sexual satisfaction. accepting one’s own sexuality, listening to one’s partner’s likes and dislikes, talking openly and honestly. Most couples will experience one significant change in their sexual relationship, for better or worse, over the course of their marriage. Extramarital activity is reported by 25% of the married men and 15% of the married women. 28% of divorced women and 81% of widowed women report being sexually abstinent in the preceding year. If you are under 35 and without kids, you are more likely to be sexually active. The 1978 New England Journal of Medicine study of 100 “normal” couples reported that… 48% of women had difficulty getting excited, 33% had difficulty staying excited, 86% of these women said their sexual relationship was satisfying, and only 15% of their husbands even knew their wives had these problems. The 1994 Massachusetts Male Aging Study reported that… 52% of the males ages 40 through 70 reported difficulties with erections. 17% of the men reported mild erection problems regardless of age. 5% to 17% of younger men reported more severe problems. 15% to 34% of older men reported problems. Overall, 35% of all subjects had moderate to severe erection problems. That means that 20 to 30 million men in the United States have erection problems. At least 20% of the men over age 50 have this difficulty. Other studies indicate that 10% to 15% of women never reach orgasm with a partner, and that another 25% have intermittent difficulty reaching orgasm during partnered sex. One study of 329 women found that 40% were anxious during sex. Another 1978 study found that of people who were happily married, 63% of the women reported orgasm and arousal problems and 85% reported being satisfied with their sexual relationship.
There will be more statistics reported in other articles, statistics that will be particularly relevant to the topic at hand. This is probably enough for statistics. This stuff can be both informative… and boring. If the numbers are correct, there are between 16,900,000 and 22,600,000 married couples out there that are having sex 10 times a year or less. But, regardless of the statistics, you and your partner are driving your marriage. No one else is. What goes on between the two of you sexually is your business. You own your own relationship. If you are unhappy and in a sexless marriage, then you need to know that you have the power to do something about your sexless marriage. There is hope! There are biological, physical challenges There are relationship issues There are cultural problems There are personal issues There are spiritual and energetic challenges Check out the resources atHopeful Solutions for a Sexless Marriage. What BIG challenges are facing a sexless relationship? by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT You can get lost in endless confusion when you try to identify one specific challenge facing a sexless relationship. Think about global warming for a minute. Everyone knows it is happening, but no one can identify “the reason” in a specific way. There are a lot of factors that have all combined to create a warming planet. If your relationship has grown cold… there are a number of factors that have combined to creating the chill. I call them the 5 BIG Challenge Areas that are creating a sexless relationship. Challenge Area 1: Physical Fitness Challenge Area 2: Personal Maturity Challenge Area 3: Cultural Acceptability Challenge Area 4: Relationship Success Challenge Area 5: Spiritual and Energetic Vitality I’ve been working with couples for more than three decades as a Marriage and Family Therapist, and I’ve been married for almost 36 years. I have been blessed with a vigorous body, mind, soul, and spirit. My wife and I married when we were in College and we have experienced a great deal together; much of our life has been fraught with the normal struggles that we all have, some that few have, and much of it has been extraordinarily blissful. Professionally, after spending more than 62,000 hours working with individuals, couples, and families… I’ve pretty much seen it all! The 5 Ingredients that make for Great Sex are also the 5 Challenge Areas that I address in my eBook, “Hopeful Solutions for a Sexless Marriage” In my book I have compiled scores and scores of articles aimed at helping couples to get UNstuck from their sexless marriage so that they can truly, deeply, and happily enjoy a great marriage, and great sex. In over 300 pages each of the 5 Ingredients is addressed in more detail in an informative and encouraging way. There are steps that you can take that will help you to have a Great Marriage, and Great Sex. Go toHopeful Solutions for a Sexless Marriage for much more information that is designed to support and encourage a Great Marriage and Great Sex. There’s no sex and there’s no time! by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT Too many of us are too busy doing too much to make sex much of a priority at all. What are we supposed to do when there is no time for sex? If you can identify with this challenge, you are not alone. Millions of people have gotten so caught up with the pace of change and work, especially in the West, that they just don’t have enough time for being together sexually. I’ve been intrigued by a solution that some Japanese have come up with. It is an upscale version of what has been going on in many places for many years. There are hotels that have been set up just to cater to couples that want an anonymous few hours together in an environment that fosters eroticism. There are no clerks to face, only machines that take your credit card and direct you to your room. And, you get to pick the room from a list that is organized around themes! A busy couple can go online and make a reservation at the South Pacific room for a few hours on a Tuesday night. Get a sitter for the kids and off you go! Couples are too busy working, too busy carting the kids around to all their activities, too busy commuting to work… and it is all exhausting. When it is time to go to bed, sleep is the only thing on anyone’s mind. Like a virus that spreads from person to person, the no-sex-no-time problem is spreading from continent to continent. Of course, the problem spells out the solution. You must make time for being together in a way that allows you to create intimate erotic sex. A very conscious choice must be made to structure time and place so that the two of you can have the opportunity to be together. You have to break out of convention to make the change. The conventional world works on you both at an unconscious level, pushing and pulling you into a lifestyle that has been designed by “them”. Social convention just creeps in over time and becomes normative; living a busy life simply becomes normal. Unconventional people don’t live by the social norms; there are always people who get out of the box and live in ways that are self-designed. My wife and I have intentionally created a lifestyle that works wonderfully well for us. I recognize that we are incredibly fortunate, and incredibly blessed. Our hard work, smart decisions, and good luck have allowed us to have a cabin in the woods 75 minutes from home. We go there most weekends where we are completely alone. We work with people all week long, and we work long hours. On Friday night we escape. Many of our friends have had to adjust to our lack of availability on the weekends. The pull to stay home and get together with others for a few hours on a Saturday night is often present. Sometimes we chose to stay home; most of the time we choose to go away. Get out of the box and create the life you want. Sex doesn’t have to happen in bed, at night. It can happen in the car in the garage. It can happen in a motel or a hotel. It can happen in nature. Sex in the office can be incredibly risky, and incredibly exciting. Sex in the morning? Afternoon delight? “Quickies” have there place. I am working with a couple that has the opposite problem. She wants sex every day, and she gets it. It is driving her husband nuts because she gets frustrated and angry if she doesn’t get it. If she has been drinking, she gets violent. They have sex, one way or another, ever single day! Yes, this is a problem of a different sort, but it proves the point. Some sex can happen every day. The two of you must create time and space for sex. There is not way around it. I can’t create the time and space for you, can I? Who can? Only the two of you. So take control of your life and figure out a way to “get out of the box of social convention.” Make making-out more of a priority! Brought to you byHopeful Solutions for a Sexless Marriage. How does a woman in a sexless marriage cope? by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT Coping in a sexless marriage can be a real challenge. But, then, much of life can be a real challenge. Rather than focusing on the specific challenge, let me first invite you to think about the broad question of “how to cope with life,” and then how a woman can cope in a sexless marriage. There are two words of encouragement I give people in this situation: “Learn how to hold your own hand,” and “If you can’t have what you want, want something else.” In the first simple piece of advice, I offer up for you a great deal of profoundly deep wisdom. When you are confronted with distress in your life, your ability to stay centered, to stay calm, and to be free from either guilt or anxiety… is very important. When you are centered you have self-esteem that keeps you well no matter what the circumstances of your life. Wishful thinking? No. I’ve experienced the well-being that comes from a centered life, and I’ve witnessed the enormous goodness that can come from developing the capacity to have true self-esteem. Most of us, most of the time, look to others for validation; most of us look for others to esteem us. Early in life we look outside of ourselves for validation of who we are - until we develop the capacity to look within, there to find the self-love that is born of Love itself. Instead of looking outside of your own self for love, look inside to the Love that is there. That is what will set you free. Once you have cultivated self-love, once you have learned to hold your own hand, then you will be free from efforts to control those around you in an effort to make them love you. When you stop trying to get others to validate you, because you have learned to validate and love yourself, then you are free to be in the present moment. In the present moment, you are free from the guilt and shame of the past, and free from anxiety about the future. In the present moment, holding your own hand, you are perfectly fine. Right now, in this present moment, you are perfectly fine. If you are woman in a sexless marriage (or a man) you are perfectly fine. Right now. If you are struggling because you want more sex, or because you wish you wanted more sex, then hold your own hand. Stop right now. Take a deep breath, and realize that Life is within you, and Life is Good. You are Goodness. Calm down. Face the facts. Set a plan in motion. Take action. You are Goodness. The more anxious you are, the more you are struggling to cope, the more disconnected you are from your own Goodness. If your partner is not participating with you in sex, and your are having a hard time coping with the frustration, calm down and get centered. Confront your partner out of your center. Get centered and confront your partner. A confrontation out of your center will be much more powerful than a confrontation from the part of you that is frightened and insecure. (I offer a 10 page paper on “How to confront your partner” as a bonus with my ebook, Hopeful Solutions for a Sexless Marriage.)If you have determined that your partner is not going to engage you in sexual intimacy, or that you are not going to muster up enough sexual desire within your self, then you are going to have to make a huge change. If you can’t have what you want, want something else. That is my second piece of advice. If you keep wanting what you can not have, you will keep yourself in perpetual frustration. In the Buddhist tradition, striving and grasping are understood to be the sources of pain. We all cope better when we live in the present moment with Goodness, striving after nothing more. If you can’t have what you want, want something else. Look at all the Goodness around you, Goodness in your partner, in your self, and in your relationship, and pour your energy into building upon that Goodness. Learn how to hold your own hand, and how to let go when you can’t have what you want. Hopeful Solutions for a Sexless Marriage Why are men in sexless marriages for years? by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT Why would a man stay in a sexless marriage for years and years? This really is an interesting question, and the answers are even more interesting. Let me just list of the most common explanations I’ve heard from men who have come to me for help. A guy is sexually frustrated, but he gives himself enough “solo sex” to satisfy himself. Is this way of getting relief good enough? Well, most of the time. When he looks at how much he has to lose, he is willing to go along. He doesn’t want the fight, and he doesn’t want to leave, so he takes care of himself and struggles privately. Another guy has more than solo sex; he is the one who has one or more affairs with other women. I’ve seen guys who occasionally “go to town” and get some, and guys who have kept another woman (a very “European thing”) for decades. But, the outside relationships keep his inside marriage in balance. Then there is the man who loves his children, his position in the community, his home and toys… and he doesn’t want to mess it all up with a messy divorce. He is moral enough to not withstand an affair. So he is married and polite, but frustrated and pissed off at the same time. He toys with porn and thinks about an affair, but he can’t bring himself to act out. Maybe he becomes passive-aggressive with his wife. Maybe he becomes depressed. He tolerates it with more-or-less pain. “This is just my cross to bear.” Here is the guy who places value in suffering. He has rationalized the lack of sex in his marriage and something he has to live with, some sort of martyrdom that he has to tolerate. It might become a badge of honor for him as he suffers in silence. It might become the excuse he uses to indulge himself in some other hobby or area of interest. Then there is the poor guy who deadens the pain with deadening alcohol. Lots of symptoms can emerge from a guy who is coping with a sexless marriage. Denial, the refusal to perceive or face reality, can really be an effective way to get away from the pain of a sexless marriage. Too bad it deadens one to so much of life in the process! Anger is another common way of coping. “Hey, I would rather be wanted for murder than not wanted at all!” I’ve heard that one, too. Here is the “bad boy” who gets a lot of negative attention for his misbehavior. He would rather have negative attention then none at all. The saint. The saint is the guy who turns the lack of sex in his marriage, and the frustration that goes with it, into a spiritual discipline that urges him into a deeper relationship with God. I’m very serious about this. Such can be done with any pain in life. He becomes a violent man. Some of my colleagues deal a great deal with this sad response to sexual frustration. He becomes a beater. He beats his wife because she won’t give him what he wants. The beating might be verbal, and it might be physical. Of course, she might give him a “mercy fuck” to make him go away, but it isn’t making love. He takes what he wants, and she loses her self-esteem and just gives up. There might be other ways in which a man copes over a period of years and year. Some of the above reasons are horrible, and some are pretty noble. If you have another way… shoot me an email and I’ll include it in my list! But, always remember, there are better ways. There are better ways. Hopeful Solutions for a Sexless Marriage Is there help for a sexless Christian marriage? by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT As one who is both a Christian Pastor and who has been a busy professional Marriage and Family Therapist for over 30 years, I know that there are many, many good Christian people out there that are completely stuck in a sexless marriage. There are a handful of issues that can keep good people stuck in such a frustrating situation. I'm going to offer some observations from my personal and professional experience, but I want to also offer a word of caution. Muslims, Jews, Buddhists… all religious traditions have their own struggles. So think bigger when you confront these issues. The more fundamental you are in your faith, the more you probably struggle with the notion that sex is sinful. While I obviously do not believe this to be the case, I do understand that the early Christian church developed this belief. How are you supposed to have intimate erotic sex if sex is sinful? Puts you in a real bind, doesn't it? There is very little frank talk about real sex in a Christian community, especially if the persuasion is toward the fundamental side of the spectrum. I've had people in my office that have gone to their pastor for help with their sexual relationship only to have received the most naïve and close minded advice. Without permission to talk about the most natural of subjects, good Christians turn to other sources, such asHopeful Solutions for a Sexless Marriage. There is a lingering belief, especially within Roman Catholic circles, that sex is meant only for procreation. You have sex to have children, not to celebrate communion with the divine essence with you both. So, you just don't go there. Christian tradition has tended to give men the opportunity to be dominant, while women have been encouraged to be submissive. In fact, "good" women are submissive to their husband. Giving your husband sex when you don't want to can build a hell of a lot of resentment. I choose my words carefully. Fear. A lot of it boils down to fear. Fear of going to hell. Fear of being too wild and crazy. Fear of disapproval. Fear of emotion. Perfect love casts our all fear unless there is so much fear that love can't get a foothold. In my ebook,Hopeful Solutions for a Sexless Marriage, I offer pages of material that outlines a normal way of growing in faith. We all start out in life with the mind of a Child. Then we become Rebels. Then conventional Adults. Then we move beyond the law and become Outlaws. Finally, after great growth, we become Lovers. Christians (and those of all faith groups) that grow from stage to stage… come to celebrate the intimate erotic sex that God has given them… and within it… find God. All of life is a journey toward Oneness, and that Oneness can be experienced in deeply intimate and erotic sex. Hopeful Solutions for a Sexless Marriage What about a sexless marriage after sixty? by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT We may be getting older, but we are still willing and able. That is the word that is coming to us, the aging Baby Boomers, from the researchers who are studying the generation just in front of us. Based on that, some interesting extrapolations are being made. Look at the “old folks” today and you will see people in their 50’s who are attending college, people in their 60’s who are starting new business ventures, people in their 70’s who are playing soccer regularly, and you will even find people in their 80’s who are having sex on a regular basis! Well, what do you know…? A Yale University study last year was sited in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, and the comments were most fascinating. This is very important for anyone over 50, so pay attention and listen to the good news. People who have a positive perception of aging tend to live 7 ½ years longer than those with negative perceptions about aging. Maybe it is the will to live, or maybe it is a better way of handling stress. Whatever, a positive attitude about aging makes a huge difference. A North Caroline State University in Raleigh study found that memory studies can intimidate elderly people into performing poorly. If you are over 50, and some researcher comes along and tells you that “you are over 50, and so we are going to test your memory to see how much memory loss you have,” well, you are going to score worse… WORSE… than if the researcher had just tested you without the threatening characterization. We are impacted by our expectations, by the perceptions, expectations, assumptions that we live with. If you think you are young and vigorous, by golly, you might just be young and vigorous! Recent research reported in the Journal of Gerontology found that older people scored 20% to 30% worse on memory test after reading a pessimistic newspaper account about aging and memory. Those who read a cheerful article did way better. People who are optimistic about life as they age also seem to take control of their health and their lifestyle. The nasties of obesity, smoking, excessive alcohol and drug abuse… all are curbed by optimistic attitudes about remaining healthy. The National Institutes of Health says that 55% of Americans are overweight, and 22% are obese. That’s 1 out of 5 Americans. Incredible. And the rates are even higher if you are over 55 years of age. This doesn’t bode well for our health. Cognitive health is important, too. While some memory loss is normal, it doesn’t have to be very significant. Research has found that we can keep learning as long as we keep living. Our brains begin to prune at an early age, but they specialize and can stay very sharp in areas where cognitive functioning have stayed sharp and in tune. Use it, or loose it. That’s the rule. How about sex? The American Urological Association had a meeting recently, and a study was presented at that meeting that reported how sexy senior citizens really can be. More than 4,000 people between the ages of 40 and 80 were polled in the US, Canada, Australia and New Zealand. About 30% of men aged 70 to 80 reported having sex 5 times in the past 30 days. However, only 8% of the women reported have sex in the last 30 days. Most women said they didn’t have sex because they didn’t have a partner, most likely because of being widowed. 40% of the men reported have sexual problems, such as erectile dysfunction. This statistic seems to match my own clinical experience. The aging process can take its toll in some real physical ways. However, exercise seems to be tremendously important. It might be the ultimate antidote. As we age the medical community tends to give us more and more pills. But get this: Exercise helps sex! Researchers from the Cologne University Medical Center in Germany studied men with circulatory problems. Some were prescribed exercise, some Viagra, and some a placebo. The exercise group, which focused on working pelvis and leg muscles, reported 80% better erections. 80%! Viagra resulted in 74% increase. And social networks are very important as well. Apparently, we are healthier if we have a strong social support system according to another study from the University of California at Irvine (where I lived way back in 1974). In this study, people ages 58 to 90 who described themselves as lonely were especially at risk for illness. So what’s the bottom line? Live a smart and healthy life, and you have the best opportunity for living a smart and healthy life… and that includes sex! Hopeful Solutions for a Sexless Marriage Is repairing a sexless marriage possible? There is no back-or-white answer to this question. The best way to ask the question is like this: “What is the probability that my sexless marriage, with its own specific challenges, can be repaired?” You aren’t going to know the answer until after you do some good work at repairing your sexless marriage. I am being as honest right now as I can be. I can’t tell you what the probability is for change in your relationship. But I can tell you something of what you ought to do to see what the probability for change actually is. For you to find out you will have to work at uncovering the real problems, and then you will have to work to address the real problems. Obviously, the more you understand, the better off you will be. The better you get at handling your anxiety about dealing with the tough stuff, the better off you will be. The more you can adapt and change, the better off you will be. As you dig into the real issues you will have to look at 5 Challenging Areas. First, what biological problems might be impacting you, your partner, and thus your relationship? Second, what relationship problems might be getting in the way of enjoying sex together? Third, what particular cultural issues about “right” and “wrong” might be blocking you? Fourth, what personal issues, what struggles with the way you think or feel, are keeping you stuck? Fifth, what spiritual and/or energetic issues might be sapping you from the ability to relax and free-fall into a relationship of bliss? So let me say it again, but in a different way. There is some probability that you can change your sexless marriage, but you won’t know how high the probability is until you dig deeper into the changes you will have to make. People very often don’t do the work for fear that they will discover that it will take a lot of work, and a lot of hard work. There is hope, always. Tools and resources for doing the work that is required can be found atHopeful Solutions for a Sexless Marriage. There is always hope. And if nothing can be changed… hope will always remain. Life can be better, one way or another. Hopeful Solutions for a Sexless Marriage Are you in a sexless loveless marriage? Here is the issue that separates that which might be tolerable, from that which is not tolerable. Sexless is one thing; loveless is another. A sexless relationship has its own problems, as you probably know. If there is love between you then the absence of sex might be tolerable. Along with love there might well be a shared history, lots of common family and friends, and the normal attachments to home and community. But when the love is gone, what is left? Not much but a lot of emptiness. I have a book in my office and the title is “Love is a Choice”. I loaned the book to a client a couple of weeks ago because he was in great turmoil. His relationship had been basically sexless for some months. His girlfriend had parted the relationship. He knew that he had remained at a safe distance from her, fearful of intimate sexual contact. She grew tired of the lack of sex, but even more importantly, she grew weary of the lack of intimacy. She wanted someone to treat her lovingly. For her, sex and love were two different, but tightly related experiences. She wanted them both. Love is a choice. If you want to feel love for your partner, then act lovingly and you will begin to think lovingly toward your partner. Those loving actions and thoughts will bring about loving feelings. Act, think, feel – in that order. If you want to change the way you feel, first change the way you act, then work hard and change the way you think… and your feelings will change as well. So, if you find yourself in a sexless marriage and it is becoming loveless as well, and then begins to act lovingly so that you can begin to think lovingly… and the feelings will come around. Sexless and loveless relationships offer very little of depth to someone’s life. If this is the sort of relationship you are in, then do what you can to act, think, and feel differently. If you can get the love going then the sex might follow. But, if you can get the sex going the love might follow. One of the major pieces of advice that some professionals offer to sexless couples is this: Just do it! The thought is that if you just act sexually, then your desire for sex will increase. There is some sound reasoning behind this advice. If you will just “do it” then you will get into the habit of “doing it” more. But, if after a lot of work and energy, you are stuck in a sexless loveless marriage it might be time to contemplate ending the relationship. Remember there is a lot of help in my ebookHopeful Solutions for a Sexless Marriage. Sex and love. You have every right to want both, and I hope you can find them both. Hopeful Solutions for a Sexless Marriage |