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Improve Communication in Relationship using NLP and NVC - Overcome Communication Problems in RelationshipCommunication in relationship, Overcoming communication problems in relationship: One major barrier to communication in relationships is interacting from the level of your Ego instead of your Higher Self. Communication in relationships from the level of Ego is based on fear, difference and separation. Communication in relationships from the level of your Higher Self is based on oneness, love and similarities. Numerous communication problems in relationships can be introduced when you interact with your partner based on only your point of view. The relationship communication exercise helps you empathize with your partner more in communication. The relationship negotiation exercise contains strategies to help you find solutions to problems that both you and your partner can enthusiastically agree on. The non-violent communication exercise helps promote compassionate communication with your partner. The spiritual technique promotes compassion, empathy and understanding in communication literally effortlessly. Communication in Relationship: Handling Disagreements in Relationship, Handling Communication Problems in Relationship No relationship exists without disagreements. The best relationships are not those where the partners never disagree, but those where they are able to express and respect their differences. Conflict and difference adds character to a relationship and makes it interesting, providing they are not so great as to be intolerable. How you handle conflict is of utmost importance to the quality of life and staying together. To ignore a problem does not mean it is not there or that it will not have an effect. Punishing one another in silence is not a solution, either. Whatever the cause or the outcome of disagreements and quarrels, they are always fuelled by not understanding the other person's point of view. There is no completely 'right' perspective here. Men tend to think that with logic on their side they can win any argument, but logic does not win arguments between two people who are emotionally entangled, it only wins arguments when there are no emotions at stake and both people agree that logic is the way to go. Men often think that women are not logical, but this is not true. Women can be very logical when the need arises, but they do not use logic to solve disagreements in close relationships. Have you ever been in a discussion where you and another person have been in disagreement and then they have said something and suddenly your perspective shifts? The realization comes like a splash of cold water. It happens during arguments between couples quite often. Suddenly one of them is suddenly forced to review their opinion and see the situation from the perspective of the other. The more we can put ourselves in our partner's shoes and perceive how they understand the world, the better we will be able to communicate with them. With an openness to their point of view we will have a better chance of resolving the issue. It will also make it easier for us to put across our point of view in such a way that they are most likely to understand it. Have you ever listened to a discussion or argument between two people and just known that the issue will not be resolved? Have you ever watched such a couple and understood their relationship more than they seem to understand it? If you have then it is because that objective viewpoint gave you an understanding that was not available to the couple because they were'inside' what was taking place. It is this objective viewpoint that makes the roles of cinema director, boxing referee and legal judge such important ones. They have an understanding, because of their objective position, that those involved do not. To resolve a conflict you need the ability to stand up for your own point of view, a willingness to empathize with and understand the other person and the capacity to be objective. Your perspective is based on your experience, but that does not make it right in a relationship. To empathize with another, you have to make a creative leap into the other person's reality, and the better you know someone, the easier this is. Couples who have been together for a long time often seem to be almost telepathic. This empathy with another is a basic human ability, however we often do not use it at those times when it would be most useful. The ability to appreciate your partner's point of view does not invalidate your own, it is just different. That does not mean it is right either. Then there is the detached perspective that the intellectual voice gives you, from which you can evaluate both points of view and see the similarities and the differences between them. From here you can appreciate your relationship. Finally, we would add another position to these three basic ones. That is a position that takes into account you as a couple, in a relationship. What is important to you both? How does this disagreement fit with what you both share? What is important to you as a couple and how important is this disagreement in that context? One way to develop the skill is to jump mentally around these three viewpoints is to practice them physically. If we adopt someone's external behavior we experience their internal state. Matching has shown us that if we copy their body language we receive a sense of the world view that creates that way of acting. Communication in Relationship: Exercise to Sense Accurately What Your Partner is Really Feeling 1. If your partner has their own chair and tends to sit in that chair in the same posture then, when they are not around, simply sit in that chair in the way that they sit. Give yourself time to settle into the pose, wait until your muscles become familiar with the posture and then become aware of your thoughts and feelings. 2. Sitting like them, become aware of the internal state that triggers that Our body and mind are interconnected. As an application of this exercise, adopt your partner's postures when you are in a disagreement, to gain insight into their feelings and thoughts. What Constitutes Communication Researchers determined that just 7% of what we communicate is the result of the words that we say, or the content of our communication. 38% of our communication to others is a result of our verbal behavior, which includes tone of voice, timbre, tempo, and volume. 55% of our communication to others is a result of our nonverbal communication, our body posture, breathing, skin color and our movement. The match between our verbal and non-verbal communication indicates the level of congruency. Communication in Relationship: Exercise to See Your Partner's Viewpoint 1. Conflict Situation.Think of a conflict situation in which you had a disagreement or conflict with your partner. 2. Self Position. Run your movie of this situation from your own point of view. Imagine that you are going through this situation again, looking out of your own eyes, re-experiencing what actually happened. Notice what you hear and feel—all the information that is available to you. When you come to the end of this episode, 3. Study Your Partner. With the movie stopped on "pause" at the beginning, look over at your partner. Notice his breathing, his posture, his facial expression, the way he moves and speaks, the tone and tempo of his voice, all the nonverbal information that tells you what your partner's experience is like. You can also review all your experiences with him, and all that you know of his likes and dislikes, his attitudes, his personal history, everything that contributes to who he is. 4. Take Partner's Position. Now let your awareness float up out of your body and around to align with your partner, perhaps looking over his shoulder, so that you can begin to see what he sees, and hear what he hears. Begin to take on his likes and dislikes and personal history by saying to yourself, "I am a person who ..." and follow it with all of the traits and characteristics you know about. Allow your awareness to enter his body, and take on his posture and movement, and all the other nonverbal behavior you noted earlier. As you continue to become this person even more fully, feel what it is like to really be this person. 5. Run a Movie from Partner's Position. Now run that same movie of the conflict situation again, seeing it from his perspective. As your partner, how do you experience this same conflict situation? What feelings do you have? What are your wants, hopes, and fears? What are your positive intentions, and how are you attempting to cope with this difficult situation? What do you notice about how your own behavior looks and feels to your partner as you run this movie to the end? What else can you learn about your partner's experience? 6. Return to Self Position. Allow your awareness to float up again and return to your own body. Take all the time you need to fully return to being yourself before opening your eyes, leaving all the elements of your partner's identity there with him. Communication in Relationship: Exercise to See Neutral Observer's Viewpoint 1. Conflict Situation. Return to the same conflict situation you used in the previous exercise.
2. Self Position. Again, take self position in this situation. You don't have to run the whole movie this time, as long as you put yourself back into the situation fully.
3. Partner's Position. Now take partner's position in the same way. Again, you don't have to run the whole movie, as long as you fully become your partner in this situation. 4. Take Observer Position. Now move out to a position from which you can see and hear both you and this other person clearly. Make sure this observer is the same distance from where you see yourself as it is from where you see the other person. Also make sure you are observing from a place that is eye-level with yourself and the other person—not higher or lower. 5. Run a Movie as Observer. Now run the entire movie, watching and listening to the situation unfold as an observer, as if you were observing these two people for the first time. From this neutral perspective, pay close attention to the interaction between the two of you. Notice particularly how what one does stimulates or triggers the other, how one person's behavior stimulates feelings in the other, and vice versa. Learn all you can about this interaction from this observer position. How do you feel in this position as you observe this interaction? Tip: You can repeat the exercise replacing Observer Position with Source/God/Your Mentor etc. Conclusion The ability to step outside the situation is the key to solving it. Many arguments are like tennis matches, each partner feels they have to keep returning the ball and each partner usually blames the other partner for serving in the first place. One person's reaction is the other person's trigger. There is a further twist and that is that each expects the other to argue in a particular way and therefore they adopt their own way to counter that, yet looked at from the outside this is exactly what keeps the argument going. Then to cap it all, the situation cannot be discussed because when our warring couple try to discuss it, they fall into the same trap. To make any change you have to take a metaphorical step outside the situation and see how you are responding to each other. You have to see the relationship, not just the individuals in it. Any solution has to come from a'we' point of view, for example, 'Whenever we talk about this issue, we seem to end up arguing and I don't like that. What canwe do to help us stop?' Your partner may reply something like,'Well, we wouldn't if you weren't so...' At this point do not be drawn. The big temptation is to say something like,'Well, I wouldn't be if you weren't so...' All over the world couples have arguments with this same structure and they fill in the blanks in their own way. We take the quality we experience in the relationship and attribute it to the other person. It does not belong to them. It belongs to the relationship. So we say, 'You are bossy' instead Instead of becoming drawn into your old pattern, you could say, 'OK, how would you prefer me to react?' This is not an admission that you are wrong, just a way of exploring the situation.
Credits:
Communication in Relationship: How to move from disagreement to problem solving, using NLP art of negotiation. Negotiation is communicating for the purpose of getting a joint decision, one that can be congruently agreed on both sides. It is the process of getting what you want from others by giving others what they want, and takes place in any communication where interests conflict. Would that it were as easy to do as it is to describe. There is a balance and a dance between your integrity, values and outcomes, and those of the your partner. The dance of communication goes back and forth, some interests and values will be shared, some opposed. In this sense, negotiation permeates everything we do. We are dealing here with the process of negotiation, rather than what you are actually negotiating over. Negotiation often takes place about scarce resources. The key skill in negotiation is to dovetail outcomes: to fit them together so that everyone involved gets what they want (although that may not be the same as their demand at the beginning of the negotiation). The presupposition is that the best way to achieve your outcome is to make sure that everyone involved achieves theirs too. The opposite of dovetailing outcomes is manipulation, where your partner's wants are disregarded. There are four dragons that lie in wait for those that practise manipulation: remorse, resentment, recrimination, and revenge. When you negotiate by seeking to dovetail outcomes your partner becomes your ally, not Separate the people from the problem. It is worth remembering that most negotiations involve people with whom you have, or want, an ongoing relationship. Whether you are negotiating over a child issues or a holiday, if you get what you want at the other person's expense, or they think you have pulled a fast one, you will lose goodwill that may be worth much more in the long run than success in that one You will be negotiating because you have different outcomes. You need to explore these differences, because they will point to areas where you can make trade-offs to mutual advantage. Interests that conflict at one level may be resolved if you can find ways of each party getting their outcome on a higher level. This is where stepping up For example, in a negotiation over private time spent together as couple (initial outcome), your partner coming home early from work everyday is only one way of obtaining increased satisfaction and intimacy in your relationship (higher level outcome). There may be other ways of achieving increased intimacy if your partner was involved in a demanding project - vacation when project is finished, a date-night, hiring house cleaning help to free up time to spend with your partner as much as possible, for example. Stepping up finds bridges across pointsof difference. People may want the same thing for different reasons. For example, imagine two people quarrelling over a pumpkin. They both want it. However, when they explain exactly why they want it, you find that one wants the fruit to make a pie, and the other wants the rind to make a Halloween mask. Really they are not fighting over the same thing at all. Many conflicts disappear when analyzed this way. This is a small example, but imagine all the different possibilities there are in any apparent disagreement. If there is a stalemate, and a person refuses to consider a particular step, you can ask the question,'What would have to happen for this not to be a problem?' or,'Under what circumstances would you be prepared to give way on this?' This is a creative application of the As If frame and the answer can often break through the impasse. You are asking the person who made the block to think of a way round it. Set your limits before you start. It is confusing and self-defeating to negotiate with yourself when you need to be negotiating with someone else. You need what Roger Fisher and William Ury in their marvelous book on negotiation. Getting to Yes, call a BATNA, or Best Alternative To Negotiated Agreement. What will you do if despite all Focus on interests and intentions rather than behavior. It is easy to get drawn into winning points and condemning behavior, but really nobody wins in these sorts of situations. Separate your partner's intentions from his behavior - for every behavior has a positive intention behind it, that is serving the person. If your partner does not help with the housework, the positive intention may be to relax after a day's work. You may ask questions such as "What is your highest intention for ____?" A mutually-satisfying solution will be based on a dovetailing of interests, a win/win, not a win/lose model. In a win/lose model, everyone loses in the long term. So what is important is the problem and not the people, the intentions not the behavior, the interests of the parties not their positions. It is also essential to have an evidence procedure that is independent of the parties involved. If the negotiation is framed as a joint search for a solution, it will be governed by principles and not pressure. Yield only to principle, not pressure. There are some specific ideas to keep in mind while negotiating. Do not make an immediate counter-proposal immediately after the other side has made a proposal. This is precisely the time when they are least interested in your offering. Discuss their proposal first. If you disagree, give the reasons first. Saying you disagree immediately is a good way to make the other person deaf to your next few sentences. All good negotiators use a lot of questions. In fact two good negotiators will often start negotiating over the number of questions. 'I've answered three of your questions, now you answer some of mine. . .' Questions give you time to think, and they are an alternative to disagreement. It is far better to get the other person to see the weakness in his position by asking him questions about it, rather than by telling him the weaknesses you perceive. Good negotiators also explicitly signal their questions. They will say something like, 'May I ask you a question about that?' By doing so they focus the attention of the meeting on the answer and make it difficult for the person questioned to evade the point if he has agreed to answer the question. It would seem that the more reasons you give for your point of view the better. Phrases like 'the weight of the argument' seem to suggest it is good to pile arguments on the scales until it comes down on your side. In fact the opposite is true. The fewer reasons you give, the better, because a chain is only as strong as its weakest link. A weak argument dilutes a strong one, and if you are drawn into defending it, you are on poor ground. Beware of a person who says, 'Is that your only argument?' If you have a good one, say, 'Yes'. Do not get drawn into giving another, necessarily weaker one. The follow up may be, 'Is that all? If you take this bait you will just give him ammunition. Hopefully, if the negotiation is framed as a joint search for a solution, this sort of trick will not occur. Relationship Negotiation Exercise A) Before the negotiation - planning 1. Determine your outcome. 2. Develop as many options as possible to achieve that outcome.
3. Identify potential areas of disagreement. 4. Identify issues to be resolved and plan how to discuss them. 5. Determine the best alternative to an agreement. B) During the negotiation: 1. Establish rapport with your partner. Match and mirror your partner's body language and sitting posture. 2. Ensure that you are in a resourceful, calm state. 3. Be clear about your own outcome and the evidence for it. State your highest positive intention for desiring a particular outcome to your partner. Elicit outcomes of your partner together with their evidence for it. Ask for your partner's highest positive intention for desiring their outcome. Evidence of outcome concentrates on clear specific details. In particular how will you know when you have attained your outcome? What will you see, hear and feel? 4. Frame the negotiation as a joint search for a solution. 5. Clarify major issues and where there is a disagreement, obtain agreement on a large frame. Dovetail outcomes, step up if necessary to find a common outcome. Check that you have the congruent agreement of your partner to this common outcome. 6. Break the outcome down to identify more specific areas of most and least agreement. 7. Starting with the easiest areas, move to agreement using these trouble-shooting techniques:
Backtrack as agreement is reached in each area, and finish with the More Tactics 1. Do not respond to a proposal with a counterproposal. Restate, validate, clarify and probe. 2. Invent options for mutual gain - win/win - dovetail outcomes. In a win-lose outcome, all lose in the end. 3. Avoid attack/defense exchanges. Use "negotiation Aikido". • Treat their proposal as one option. Probe for the outcome behind it. • Treat your proposal the same way. If attacked, probe for the 4. Use strategies that can keep you in a calm state (eg nlp anchoring). 5. Avoid "irritators" - value judgments and statements which glorify the 6. Separate your partner's intention from his behavior. Ask what is his highest positive intention behind what he is doing. Then see if the same positive intention can be served by another solution. 7. Label suggestions and questions. "Let me offer a suggestion." 8. Use "I" language rather than accusing. "I'm having trouble understanding this," rather than, "You're not making yourself clear." 9. State your reasons first before making a proposal.
Not the reverse 10. Anticipate Objections - Handle in advance. 11. Adopt flexibility in your behavior, be willing to change communication strategy if it does not produce required results.
12. Minimize the reasons you give when stating an option. Multiple reasons give the other the opportunity to select the weakest and make it the basis for rejecting the option.
13. Test understanding and summarize. "So you think that..." "Then it seems that we both think the idea is worth a trial period." 14. Tell the other your feelings. "I'm having trouble with your proposal for home-schooling Carla. We've agreed that Carla needs exposure in her education. And yet I feel that this will only prevent..." "I get the feeling that we're jumping into, and from issue to issue. Which one would you like to discuss first?" 15. If you get stuck: a) Stop doing what you're doing. b) Generate at least three options for doing something else. c) Choose the best and go with it. 16. Use the "As If" frame for creative problem solving. Pretending that something has happened in order to explore possibilities. Start with the words, 'If this happened . ..' or, 'Let's suppose that . ..' There are many ways this can be useful. Another way of using the idea is to project yourself six months or a year into a successful future, and looking back, ask, 'What were the steps that we took then, that led us to this state now?' From this perspective you can often discover important information that you cannot see easily in the present because you are too close to it. Another way is to take the worst case that could happen. What would you do if the worst happened? What options and plans do you have?'As if' can be used to explore the worst case as a specific example of a more general and very useful process known as downside planning. Handling Objections Strategies 1. Restate and validate the objection.
This process is a form of verbal aikido, redirecting force rather than attempting to overcome it. Do not use a positive statement followed by a "but", because it invalidates everything that you said before it. 2. Ask your partner what their idea or objection is intended to accomplish. Keep asking step up questions (...and what will that get for you?) until you arrive at an outcome each can agree on. 3. Ask clarification questions. - "What are your fears and concerns?" - "How exactly do you want me to communicate with you better?" - "How exactly do you want me to be a better spouse?" 4. Some options to resolve: • Exaggerate ' • "What would happen if could solve this concern?" • Devise an acceptable option that handles the objection. 4. Options when the objection hasn't been resolved after five minutes. • Go on to other issues. • "Act as if you were me." • Ask your partner what will happen if you both don't reach an agreement. Use this option only if your partner is being uncooperative or argumentative C) Closing the negotiation: 1. Backtrack. 2. Test agreement and test congruence (match of partner's verbal and non verbal communication, ie voice and body language). 3. Future pace, where appropriate eg put yourselves in a specific situation in the future and determine if this agreement would be carried out willingly by both. Credits: - An Introduction to NLP, Joseph O' Connor & John Seymour Solving Communication problems in relationships: NVC Communication in relationship: More ways to overcome communication problems in relationships through nonviolent communication Solving Communication problems in relationship: Spiritual Technique that Aids Communication. The finger and thumb spiritual technique works beautifully when I get into an argument with my partner (or just anybody else). Doing so triggers Higher Self state, which then enables me to see what is going on in a more detached, yet compassionate and empathetic manner. I have made leaps and bounds in my ability to communicate with my partner using this simple technique. |