How to attract genuine love into your life

- By Drs Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks

The Law of Attraction in Love and Relationships

The importance of Desire

The Law Of Attraction In Love And Relationships - The Secret of Manifesting Conscious Loving in Your Life

 One Key Question

In this article , we show you how to make those inner shifts yourself, so that your relationship destiny can change. You can also find a deeper exploration of these tools in our online courses in our audio/video program, The Relationship Solution.

If you follow the steps we outline, you will discover what’s been holding you
back from getting the kind of love you really want and need. You’ll know
exactly how to bring genuine love into your life and keep it.

The Best and Worst of Times

On the surface, these would seem to be the best of times for meeting people
and developing close relationships. In some ways, though, these are actually
the worst of times. Although communication is easy and cheap, what matters
is how we use those nickel-a-minute phone calls. It’s how we communicate
with the depths of ourselves and others. That’s what really matters. In this
realm, these really are the worst of times. People constantly write to us to
wonder why their relationships are so shallow and short-lived. Many people
intuitively feel that they are not getting the kind of love they most deeply
want. Some blame it on the busy and fragmented lives they live. Others
point the finger at television, sports and the image-obsessed institutions of
society such as fashion and advertising.

The wiser ones have grown weary of finger-pointing; they write to ask our
help in doing whatever is necessary to create a genuine lasting love-
relationship. They know that the real problem resides within, in the
unconscious inner barriers that block genuine love.

After all is said and done, it’s really genuine love that makes all the difference
in the quality of your life. Without genuine love, human beings feel constant
longing. Once we’ve attracted genuine love into our lives, we face other
challenges, like how to keep it flowing all the time. First, though, we need to
attract a new kind of loving relationship, and that’s where we will begin.


The First Thing We All Really Need To Know About Creating Lasting Love

Here’s the first thing we all really need to know:

None of us has the slightest chance of creating and sustaining a healthy
relationship until we make a conscious commitment to it. Until you make a
conscious commitment to genuine love, your unconscious programming runs
your love-life.

You also need to know that it’s up to you and you can do it! That’s right:

The power rests in your heart and in your hands. Each of us can make that
commitment and bring into our lives a genuine, lasting love relationship. We
made this our own goal many years ago, and since then we’ve gone from the
intense pain of unconscious relationships to twenty-five years of the most
blissful and creative relationship we could have imagined.

If you will make a sincere commitment to creating more genuine love in your
life, you’re more than halfway there. Once you’re committed, you are ready
to learn the mega-lesson.

The Mega-Lesson Of Life And Love

Speaking personally, this is the lesson we’ve struggled to learn throughout
our own lives. Maybe it’s the lesson of life and love. It’s certainly been the
major issue people have talked to us about in our thirty years as therapists
and relationship coaches. Even if the person brought in a problem of 
depression or marital misery, this issue was hovering in the background. The
depression never lifted and the marriage never harmonized until the person
learned the mega-lesson.

Here it is:

The major barrier to a loving relationship with another person is an unloved part of yourself.

That’s right: An aspect of ourselves that we have never loved and accepted
keeps us from forming and keeping genuine love from others.

Here’s why:

If you don’t love yourself, you’ll always be looking for someone else to do it
for you. It never works, because people who don’t love themselves attract
people who don’t love themselves. Then they try to get the other person to
love them unconditionally when they’re not even doing it for themselves.
When you love yourself deeply and unconditionally for everything you are
and aren’t, you attract people who love and accept themselves. If you feel
fundamentally unlovable deep down inside, you’ll attract a lover who feels
the same way.

When we don’t love some part of ourselves, we run around in desperation
trying to get someone else to love us. Our hope is that if they give us enough
love our unlovable part will go away. It never does. Only a moment of
loving ourselves unconditionally will do that particular job.

Most of us spend our lives running from that unlovable part of us. When we
finally confront it, we will usually discover it’s a fear. It’s usually a particular
fear, and there are a very small number of them.

One of them is fear of abandonment. You can probably see why that fear
could play havoc in your relationships. It certainly did in our early
relationships, before we became aware that this fear was driving a lot of our
troublesome behavior. When you’re afraid of being left alone, you’ll either
keep people distant so it won’t hurt so bad if they leave you, or you’ll cling to
them dependently so they can’t leave without dragging you with them.

Another big fear is the dread of being smothered by the other person. When
you’re in the grip of this fear, you’re worried that your individuality and
freedom will be lost if you surrender to full union with the other person. So,
you stay at arm’s length, just as a person who’s afraid of drowning might
stand a yard or so away from the water’s edge.

The good thing to know about fear is that it’s simply a pulsating quiver of
racy-queasy sensations in your stomach area. Fear, said the legendary
psychiatrist Fritz Perls, is merely excitement without the breath. Breathe into
the fear and watch what happens: The butterflies will flutter out of hiding
and fly away.

When you love that fear directly, you can actually feel the fear disappear. In
the space where the fear used to be, you now feel a big open space into
which a wonderful new relationship can enter. That’s what happened to us,
and that’s what we’ve seen happen to a lot of people when they mustered the
courage to love themselves and all their fears.

Fear Holds Us In Check

Until we give that scary place in ourselves a split-second of love, it’s
impossible to enjoy good relationships. The reason: The fear causes us to
push people away when they get too close. That’s because our fear gets
stirred up when we let them in close. To keep the fear under control, we
keep people at a distance. We submerge the very aspects of ourselves that
most need love. Then, we strain to get other people to love us. Trying to get
other people to love us when we don’t think ourselves loveable is like a dog
chasing its own tail. The more they try to love us, the faster we run from it.
Fortunately you can solve that problem right now, right here.

Begin by shining the light of awareness on fear with a simple question: What
are you feeling right now? Tune in to yourself and do a quick body-scan.
Are you afraid that the ideas we’re describing may not work for you? Are
you afraid that nothing will work? Are you worried that maybe you’re not
good enough to do this? Do you fear, as we once did, that there’s something
fundamentally wrong with you that is always going to keep you from love?
Right now feel all these feelings and LOVE them. Love yourself for having
them. Love yourself for your courage to feel.

We’ve never met anyone who loved themselves deeply and unconditionally
all the time. Don’t expect that you’ll be perfect at it, either. Begin with a
second or two of loving yourself and work up from there. Begin with a
commitment to loving yourself. That way, you’ll have the commitment to fall
back on when you find yourself in the grip of your unlovable part.

Remember, too, that loving yourself has nothing to do with egotism or self-
flattery. Egotistical people are desperately trying to get other people to love
them, even though they feel deeply unlovable inside. That’s why egotism
and boasting look so tacky: Everybody knows it’s phony.

We’re talking about genuine, sincere, heartfelt and humble love for yourself.
It’s a feeling of accepting yourself for everything you are and everything you
aren’t. Unless you’re super-human, you won’t ever feel absolute love and
acceptance for yourself all the time. You can, however, make a commitment
to feeling that way. Making a commitment to loving yourself gives you a firm
ground to stand on throughout the ups and downs of your life.

Right now say to yourself:
I commit to loving myself deeply.

Float the idea around in your mind and feel it in your body. Use it as an
anchor-point in your work on yourself. It really works.


In Summary

Remember how The Law Of Attraction operates: Like attracts like. Your job is
to give yourself the same quality of love you want to receive from another
person. Do that often as you go through your day, and watch the miracles
unfold in your life!

Drs Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks are published, bestselling authors of Bestselling, life-changing, 21-session Attracting Genuine Love cyber-course and The Relationship Solution.

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The importance of desire

Many of us, as we were growing up, were made to feel guilty and ashamed about
wanting things. We may have been called selfish or impractical or unreasonable. That is exactly where Kathlyn and I found ourselves, in our late twenties and early thirties, when we first began to wake up from our long trance of unconscious relationships. We both realized, even before we met each other, that we felt guilty for wanting the kind of relationship we really wanted. And yet we also knew that unless we learned to ask for what we wanted, we had little chance of actually getting it.

You too may have felt guilty for having a desire for a specific kind of relationship,
and the guilt may have caused you to submerge your desire. If that is true for you,
write in your notebook: "I feel guilty for wanting a genuinely loving relationship."
After you have written it down, stare at it the same way you did when looking at your
list of unlovable qualities, and allow yourself to feel the depth of your guilt around
your desire for a satisfying love relationship.

Now take a moment to love yourself for feeling guilty. Realize that it is natural
and normal to feel guilty about desiring the kind of relationship you really want.
After all, how much encouragement did you get for clarifying what you really want
in a close relationship? How much encouragement did you ever receive for holding
out for your highest desires?

I know that, personally, I did not get very much encouragement in this regard.
In fact, until I was able to create the kind of relationship I have with Kathlyn, a
part of me was afraid that I was doomed to miss out on life's big prize. Desperately
wanting a total and fulfilling love relationship was a guilty secret that I buried
inside myself. It was only when I finally consciously voiced my deepest desire that I
was able to consciously receive and enjoy its fulfillment. Kathlyn's own story illustrates how difficult it can be to get support for going after our highest ideals:

"After a year of disappointment, heartbreak, and abuse, I decided to leave my
first marriage. Since I was m my early twenties, I figured it was better to get out
quickly and get on with the rest of my life, rather than waste my time hoping for
something better to happen. Maybe I would find the right person, maybe I would
not, but at least I would not be settling for less than I wanted. But when I told my
mother about my decision, she gave me the exact opposite counsel. 'Stay put,' she
told me, 'Even though it may be awful now, it could improve. And, you know, you
could do a lot worse.'  I did not see how I could do much worse, though, so I went
ahead with my decision. It felt like I would be selling myself out if I stayed—any
loneliness and hardship I might face by leaving seemed so much easier to deal with
than the soul-shrinking feeling of settling for less."

It is important to admit to yourself that you really want a genuinely conscious,
loving relationship. If you are like most of us, you know deep down in your heart
that you will never feel fulfilled until you have one, and yet you have probably never
stopped and admitted this truth to yourself. If this is really your heart's desire, it is
not only okay to let yourself want this kind of relationship, it is essential to make
the fulfillment of this desire one of your highest priorities. In addition, it is not
until we allow ourselves to consciously desire something that we can consciously
receive and enjoy it when it arrives.

You can begin this same process by using the Whole-Body Learning technique
with the following sentence:

I want a genuine, conscious, loving relationship, and I will do whatever work on myself I need to do to make that desire come true.

Repeat it silently to yourself and try to feel it in your body. When you can do
this, get out your notebook and write it out twice with your dominant, and then
your non-dominant hand. Then do a sincerity check—how comfortable are you
with this commitment?

When you have finished this process, take a break. Let the  Whole-Body Learning
technique continue to work on coordinating your conscious mind, your unconscious mind, and your bodymind with your willingness to continue the personal
work necessary to bring a genuine, conscious, loving relationship into your life.
 

Bestselling, life-changing, 21-session Attracting Genuine Love cyber-course.

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