Why are men in sexless marriages for years?

A guy is sexually frustrated, but he gives himself enough “solo sex” to satisfy himself. Is this way of getting relief good enough? Well, most of the time. When he looks at how much he has to lose, he is willing to go along. He doesn’t want the fight, and he doesn’t want to leave, so he takes care of himself and struggles privately.

Another guy has more than solo sex; he is the one who has one or more affairs with other women. I’ve seen guys who occasionally “go to town” and get some, and guys who have kept another woman (a very “European thing”) for decades. But, the outside relationships keep his inside marriage in balance.

Then there is the man who loves his children, his position in the community, his home and toys… and he doesn’t want to mess it all up with a messy divorce. He is moral enough to not withstand an affair. So he is married and polite, but frustrated and pissed off at the same time. He toys with porn and thinks about an affair, but he can’t bring himself to act out. Maybe he becomes passive-aggressive with his wife. Maybe he becomes depressed. He tolerates it with more-or-less pain.

“This is just my cross to bear.” Here is the guy who places value in suffering. He has rationalized the lack of sex in his marriage and something he has to live with, some sort of martyrdom that he has to tolerate. It might become a badge of honor for him as he suffers in silence. It might become the excuse he uses to indulge himself in some other hobby or area of interest.

Then there is the poor guy who deadens the pain with deadening alcohol. Lots of symptoms can emerge from a guy who is coping with a sexless marriage. Denial, the refusal to perceive or face reality, can really be an effective way to get away from the pain of a sexless marriage. Too bad it deadens one to so much of life in the process!

Anger is another common way of coping. “Hey, I would rather be wanted for murder than not wanted at all!” I’ve heard that one, too. Here is the “bad boy” who gets a lot of negative attention for his misbehavior. He would rather have negative attention then none at all.

The saint. The saint is the guy who turns the lack of sex in his marriage, and the frustration that goes with it, into a spiritual discipline that urges him into a deeper relationship with God. I’m very serious about this. Such can be done with any pain in life.

He becomes a violent man. Some of my colleagues deal a great deal with this sad response to sexual frustration. He becomes a beater. He beats his wife because she won’t give him what he wants. The beating might be verbal, and it might be physical. Of course, she might give him a “mercy fuck” to make him go away, but it isn’t making love. He takes what he wants, and she loses her self-esteem and just gives up.