What BIG challenges are facing a sexless relationship?

by Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT

You can get lost in endless confusion when you try to identify one specific challenge facing a sexless relationship. Think about global warming for a minute. Everyone knows it is happening, but no one can identify “the reason” in a specific way. There are a lot of factors that have all combined to create a warming planet.

If your relationship has grown cold… there are a number of factors that have combined to creating the chill. I call them the 5 BIG Challenge Areas that are creating a sexless relationship.

Challenge Area 1: Physical Fitness
Couples that are physically fit enjoy more great sex, more often, than those that are not fit. This isn’t just about body fat and muscle mass; physically fitness involves all of the biological systems. There are numerous potential physical challenges, and many are very subtle and not frequently associated with sexual enjoyment. The fact remains, complete physical fitness enhances great sex, and a biological problem might be getting in the way of great sex. This is true for men as well as women.

Challenge Area 2: Personal Maturity
Grown up people enjoy better sex than immature people. A woman that can be herself with her partner, honestly and openly, will enjoy greater sex than the woman who is anxious about being herself with her partner. Same is true for a man. Anxiety about being your honest self creates distance. There simply is no substitute for good mental health when it comes to enjoying great sex. If you or your partner are struggling personally, if either of you have “personal issues” that are getting in the way and creating a sexless relationship… then this is a real challenge area of you.

Challenge Area 3: Cultural Acceptability
Great sex happens within the larger context of community. If a couple’s sexual relationship supports the stable growth of community life, then that sex can be great. On the other hand, if a couple’s sexually relationship does not edify the community, does not enhance the moral and spiritual growth of the community, then it is not “great” sex. If one or the other of you is anxious about having “good” sex, or doing something that is “wrong” then you have a challenge.

Challenge Area 4: Relationship Success
Today, thanks to a great deal of research into what makes for successful relationships, we know that couples that have a “successful” relationship enjoy greater sex than do those that are in frustrating and conflict-full relationships. Simply put, we have better sex when we are having sex with someone with whom we have a good and strong relationship.

Challenge Area 5: Spiritual and Energetic Vitality
Sex that moves two people toward a conscious oneness, a mindful awareness of their separateness, yet oneness, is better than sex that is focused on self or other gratification alone. Making love is better than getting laid. Also, sex that is open and flowing, that is full of the subtle yet powerful energy of creativity is better than sex that is closed and blocked up in a detached way, or in a way that is churning internally without gracious release. The couple that can be in the present moment while having sex has greater sex.

I’ve been working with couples for more than three decades as a Marriage and Family Therapist, and I’ve been married for almost 36 years. I have been blessed with a vigorous body, mind, soul, and spirit. My wife and I married when we were in College and we have experienced a great deal together; much of our life has been fraught with the normal struggles that we all have, some that few have, and much of it has been extraordinarily blissful. Professionally, after spending more than 62,000 hours working with individuals, couples, and families… I’ve pretty much seen it all!

The 5 Ingredients that make for Great Sex are also the 5 Challenge Areas that I address in my eBook, “Hopeful Solutions for a Sexless Marriage” In my book I have compiled scores and scores of articles aimed at helping couples to get UNstuck from their sexless marriage so that they can truly, deeply, and happily enjoy a great marriage, and great sex. In over 300 pages each of the 5 Ingredients is addressed in more detail in an informative and encouraging way.

There are steps that you can take that will help you to have a Great Marriage, and Great Sex. Go toHopeful Solutions for a Sexless Marriage for much more information that is designed to support and encourage a Great Marriage and Great Sex.